Excuses, excuses excuses. Just write already!

I had a war going on in my head all afternoon. As a matter of fact it is still going on. I wanted to go to my new writing group, yet felt sick and not at all up to sitting for two hours writing. And yet what would be the difference from writing at home in my bed or on the couch feeling ill, or going to the writers group and getting some input, and probably get my mind off this illness for a while. Besides, writing at home is great while my husband is out, but when my husband comes home it will no longer be quiet and then I will have to move to the bedroom. But if I went to the writer's group I would be around others writing. That can be very distracting for me. Especially listening to others typing. What could they possibly be writing and why is it so easy for them? But the real reason I didn't go was because I didn't feel good; and my legs feel like they are on fire from the back issue. Of course they would still be burning if I went to the writers group or stayed home alone. I wonder sometimes lately, if there isn't something else going on. Could I be using my physical ailments to avoid going out where I will be surrounded by people?

Am I afraid to go after what would bring more joy into my life, perhaps a different job? Getting more involved with people doing activities I enjoy? But then the voices come back again; "Who would hire you at your age? And what do you have to offer this world of technology?" or "Its a younger generations world now, time to accept where you are and try not to lose the job you have." And who would want to spend time doing fun activities with you anyway, you are always sick or in pain. But still. A little voice whispers constantly lately, "Wouldn't you like to do something else? Wouldn't you prefer a happier atmosphere? Healthier? Maybe even a little more professional?" Not just in a job position, but everyday life activities. I find myself getting excited at the fact that yes, I want more for myself. But then I wonder, can I realistically believe there is another position out there for someone in her late 50s? Or are there people out there who would actually want to do activities with me. I can't hike long trails, I do have limits to what I can do. See, more fears, more excuses to avoid life. Living life, not just existing through it.

Oh my goodness. It just hit me, late 50s! That means close to early 60s! Which means late 60s, which means; well you get the picture. Lets face it. If I don't take a risk and just at least look at possibilities I can only blame myself. No one else. And that my friend stinks. There is no more time to waste worrying what might or might not happen. What people will or will not think about me. All the time I might have left has to be spent "living" and for me, living is writing. I am the happiest when I am writing, or when I am out in the mountains where I can only see trees and wooded areas. No buildings.

So, now I have been writing for 20 minutes. The time is just flying. I don't know if what I am writing makes sense to anyone, but it is helping me sort things out in my rattled mind. Hundreds of ideas and thoughts run through my little head like tiny atoms. Just buzzing around each other but not really connecting. Not until that is, I start writing it out. Sometimes I need a friend to talk things out. Either way, it gets the juggling to slow down enough to look at what is reality. What is the real truth. And what is false or old lies I am still carrying inside me.

So, as you probably guessed, I chose to stay home. Part of me regrets this decision, the other part is happy to be home alone where it is quiet and I can just punch away at the keyboard undisturbed or distracted by noise and people around me. Its just how I am. My friends think I am over sensitive to noise around me. They are right. But that is not the topic for today's blog. No, today I want to see if others in their later 50s or in that range who are still having to work feel as stuck as I do. Are we choosing to stay where we are for the right reason? And are there other areas in our lives that we are simply accepting or choosing to do for the wrong reasons. Fear, guilt, uncertainty. Do we accept things because it is easier than changing it? Change takes courage. It is a risk. Risk of rejection. Losing relationships. Making a wrong decision. Now that would really stink. To talk a risk and find it was a bad move.  Ouch. And then to have people who tried to talk you out of it tell you they told you so! Talk about broken down humiliated pride! I don't know if I am ready for that. And so, here I am, safe at home by myself.  Am I happy? Do I regret my decision? Of course. I get energy being around people. I get ideas. So why do I avoid it?

This is the same old conversation I have been having with myself all my life. Making excuses not do something or go somewhere. Too sick. Don't have the time. (Sure know a lot of t.v. series though). Then I sit around whining because I see women all around me living life. Taking chances. Going for it, whatever "it" is. Do I really  want to wake up at 60 and see the same woman I was in my 40s? When did it happen? This sense of not wanting to put effort into things. Being too tired to try new things. It is so much easier to just come home, put on my pajama's and lie on the couch and read. Or to be perfectly honest, watch some dumb reality t.v. show. Did I just admit to that on my blog? I have to admit there are also some good comedy series on this season as well. I tell myself to just let the younger folks have this world, they have the energy and ideas for it. I'm too tired. Then other times I am full of ideas of what I am going to do. I am filled with excitement.

For instance,  I set up a great little corner in my room just for writing. Even found a small cute original desk to use. And its been there for several months now, unused. Well, I can't use the chair I have with it; not comfortable. And I am staring at wall with my back to the door, doesn't feel right. No I can't move it, I would have to rearrange the whole bedroom! OK. If I truly needed to, I would. See what I have to live with on a daily basis? All these little back and forth arguments on why or why not to do something. So what if I write and never amount to much. There will always be better  writers than me out there. Younger people are always going to come along with great ideas to write about, and, they have the energy of youth to go out there and find their story source. My goodness, I am lucky I have energy after work to drive home!

What happened to me? Where did all my energy and out going spirit disappear to? And when did it start? I need to know so I can  get it back. Or do I? Maybe, just maybe now, I could take small baby steps disciplining myself to do something I don't "feel" like doing. Pushing myself like I have the last two days. I didn't feel physically well all weekend. Yet, I pushed myself to go out to a potluck social we do each month; surprise! I had a great time with friends. Laughter and serious talks all in one evening; and yes, I was glad I went. Saturday I had absolutely no desire or energy to get out of bed. But there was that little voice again pushing me to go to my regular Saturday gathering with some friends. This argument went back and forth for several minutes, meanwhile I found myself getting ready to go. And once again I was in for a treat. And after the gathering was invited to lunch with a couple wonderful ladies. I learned a lot and was encouraged to "go for it". Of course when I got home I quickly changed and proceeded to go back to my weekend ritual; lying on the couch watching t.v. and hating myself for being so lazy. Actually, I think I am beating myself up again unnecessarily. I  pushed myself yesterday to walk the whole mobile home park with my husband. And today after work we pushed ourselves to do it again. Not the whole park though. But we still did more than we normally would. When I lived at the condo I had no trouble walking every day. I had so much energy and was so happy. Again I ask, what happened? When did it happen? Is this normal?

So now it has been a little over an hour and I have written the whole time! Had I gone to the writer's group I would have been doing the same thing but less efficiently I think. Too many distractions. Or is that another excuse? I am not sure, but I think we were supposed to share a small part of what we wrote. I hate that part of it all. I am always comparing myself to the other writers in the group. Some own their own publishing company, one is an editor! And it shows in their writing. I feel so inadequate, so intimidated by these intelligent women. To add to the intimidation is the fact that most are much younger than myself. I wonder, do they look at me and think,"what is she trying to do? She is so old.". They aren't of course. Or are they? Oh crap, there is that noise in my head again.

I never thought about what it felt like to be an "older" person. When you are young you have your whole life ahead of you to do things you think about. When you are in your late 50's and above, those years are no longer available. You do it now or you never do it. It just occurred to me. There are a lot of senior adults who are experiencing and fulfilling dreams all the time. They don't use their age as a reason not to go for something they want! And some of these people are older than I and they are out riding bikes, hiking, whatever they enjoy.

So here is just another excuse to not do something. If I am not sick, I am too old and why bother anyway. Oh my goodness it is a wonder I have any friends! I am making myself tired of all this whining, I can imagine what my friends and poor husband must go through listening to it! I think I have been letting my illness get the best of me. It is time to take back some control over my body. Push myself to get out there. Do more. Stop lying around feeling sick and tired. Which of course then leads to self pity. It doesn't matter if I am depressed because I don't feel well all the time; or that I don't feel well because I am depressed. It doesn't matter. I have two choices. One, continue to sit around and do nothing and continue to get the same results. Or I can continue each day after work to go out and be around my friends, or even go where I don't know everyone there, I will meet them and perhaps make new friends. And most important, I will make myself go to the writers group from now on unless I am on my death bed. The ladies there have so much to teach me. And I value their opinions and critiques and yes, their encouragement. OK, I don't like being criticized, but it is important to learn and so I must get over that fear. Swallow my pride.

Another thing I have avoided is reading other peoples blogs. Afraid to see how many writers are out there doing a much better job than I. They all have their niche. Their voice if you will. They know what their main goal in writing is. Me. I am still searching for my passion to write about. That one topic I can use to have a more professional blog. But now I will read those other blogs and learn from them! Enjoy them. And hopefully learn to not compare my writing style with others writing styles. We are all writers, we are all different. See, that is the healthy voice talking. The unhealthy voice is saying, come on you aren't buying that.

I want to cry now. I just hit something on my keyboard and lost two paragraphs. I wish I could figure out what I am hitting that does that! And of course I am too tired to remember what I had written in those two paragraphs so I am going to close now before I lose the whole damn thing. I do however remember touching on how much difficulty I have coming up with titles for my short blogs. What do I call these things I write anyway. Essays? Journals? Short stories? Now you see, I do need to be around experienced writers if I am to grow as a writer. Yes, even the young ones!

To be Child-Like, is not being Childish

A dear friend of mine gave me a suggestion a few months back when I was struggling with who my God was or if he/she/it was. She had me get a cork board and start putting pictures of things that make me happy and feel spiritual. Another dear friend offered to paint a large tree on it, as I love tree's so very much, as I do all nature. I asked her to not put leaves on the tree, I wanted my pictures to be the leaves.

Well, my God had an even better idea. My friend found her voice from painting the tree and made 12 hearts from the branches; subtle but there. It is beautiful. At first I couldn't bring myself to put anything on it. Then one day I put an owl I had cut out, on one of the branches. Next I put a picture of a Goddess or Mother fairy down at the bottom of the tree trunk. As I sat in bed that night looking at my tree; I saw what I wanted. Birds on each tree; (owls) and quotes. I want to keep it simple as it will be more relaxing. But the child deep down within me saw something else. Her imagination was set on fire. As I continued the tree with all its forms, my eyes continued to be drawn to the Mother Goddess, Fairy if you prefer; but I could suddenly imagine the Mother Fairy going into the tree where there was a whole new world. It reminded me of the closet in the book by C.S. Lewis, The Witch, The Lion, and The Wardrobe." It made me smile as I imagined that world a part from ours where anything was possible.

So what does this have to do with letting your child within come out? It has shown me how little I allow myself to do things because it is "immature or childish". I realize now the difference between being childish (immature) versus "Child-like". To be child-like is let the innocence within come to the surface and create. Or as I like to say; give yourself a voice. I like to write; but I also like to create things. Making a collage or cutting out pictures for my "God" board is very creative and brings up feelings of happiness, serenity and something to meditate about. Not to mention, helping me to find a God of my understanding; one that brings me strength, courage, love and yes, a voice in which to share things I learn or acquire.

Once I began to allow the little girl within to come out to play; and by this I mean, allow the innocence  and freedom to do things, create things that I believe God created all of us to be; it has become apparent just how creative and loving I would like to be. It has given me the courage to be child-like and find my voice. In whatever manner my God chooses for me. And I believe the more I add to my tree of life, (that just came to me for what to call my tree), the more I will come to know my Higher Power, God. In the meantime, I continue to talk to the God I do not understand, and I try to be still and listen for his voice to speak to me.

This project has lead me to other forms of being child-like. For instance, I have been busy knitting dish cloths, something I love to do. I also pulled out my pencils and drawing pads that were hidden away for a few years now due to my fear of learning I can't draw. Now I am free to draw, not to make a beautiful drawing, but to draw for the fun of it. If it turns out horrible so what? I just throw it away and draw another. It is the process of playing with creativity that causes it to be fun. Coloring books also bring me a quiet joy. It relaxes me. Again I had not bought a coloring book for many years for fear of appearing immature and childish. How can feeling relaxed and happy be childish or immature I had asked myself one night last week. How can doing things I enjoy, whether I am good at it or not be a bad thing? If I am judged harshly, isn't that about the one judging, not myself?

Creativity is about using whatever tools you have to use for creating something. I use yarn and needles to create a beautiful afghan for my son, Pens and pencils are used to write letters and loved ones notes or cards. Something as simple as cutting out pictures and quotes can bring large doses of happiness and wonderful thoughts. You can think of anything you make as being creative. And sometimes this can cause us to feel like little children. Is that a bad thing? Is it hurting you or someone else? If not, then I say, go for it, put all your energy into it. Bring some fun and happiness back into your life with simple tools like crayons and coloring books or paints. Whatever brings you calmness and joy.

To be child-like and allow that child within to surface, we allow ourselves to grow into loving, peaceful, creative individuals. And tell me; how is this a bad thing? Its not. My life is about a small group of friends who encourage me to create. These wonderful ladies show interest and joy when they see my ideas, watch me grow into a better human being. I don't know what my life would look like without them. I would no doubt still be living in constant fear of the unknown; still be allowing unhealthy relationships into my life that cause conflict and insecurity to fester within. Now as I have been taking time to get to know people and make better decisions about who I allow into my small circle of friends, I find my life becoming more abundant and fulfilling. It is no longer a bad thing to feel like a child when creating something using what adults consider children's tools, like crayons and paint by numbers. I suddenly remember the cut out dolls with clothe you attached with tabs that you folded over the doll. I remember even as a girl, drawing new clothes for my doll and feeling so proud of my work. It made me feel happy and pleased with myself. I realize I have to let go and be who I want to me; and to let child like thoughts and ideas come out to the surface.

I realize this is short, but I just felt like sharing something positive and uplifting. Hoping there is a reader who will gain encouragement to allow herself or himself to let down their guard, their unhealthy belief that it is wrong to be child-like. To do things that perhaps you think of children doing, not adults. Go ahead. Do it! Climb that tree you have been looking at. Jump into that pool others are enjoying. Color that picture you have been dying to color! Please, allow the little one within, the creative one, to come to the surface. Set her/him free for just a little while each day to create and bring you joy and a true sense of happiness. I assure you, it is an experience you will enjoy once you stop asking yourself, "what will people think?"

It was very difficult, painful even, to allow myself to let down my guard and play. Enjoy life each moment or brief moments. But now, as I slowly allow myself simple joys, I am becoming a better, happier woman. A woman I hope others want to be around. Not to complain to or to judge, but to play with. To share our creative side with one another. I don't know if you will be encouraged to try this little exercise after you have read the ideas; but I know I am going to continue being child-like at moments through out the day when I feel her strongly wanting to come to the surface. Why wouldn't I? She is very creative and funny. I like her. And if I can say I like the creative one within, I can say I like another piece of myself. Soon, these likes will eventually turn into love for myself.

So friend, please try to find that child hidden deep down and allow her to come out and play. You may be surprised to find you have hidden talents you never knew you had! Better yet, you just might find some happiness in yourself. I have. And that is why I am going to continue to play and do the things that make me feel good. I am going to  give myself and others permission to be child-like! And with that my dear reader, I am going to close this post and go eat a box of Cracker Jacks! Who knows, perhaps I will even look for the prize inside!

God of My Own Understanding

There was a time, a very long time ago when I thought I had faith in God. I would talk to him at night during the day. I even started going to church and believing whatever they told me about who God was and what I needed to do to be "saved". These people had such faith, how could they be wrong? In the church I belonged to, 90% had good lives. Big gorgeous houses; beautiful clothes. No worries in the world. At least that is what I assumed. I remember always feeling like the kid in the Charlie Brown cartoon, Pig pen, when I walked into the building and sat down. It took time for the women to talk to me and find that I was not interested in their husbands. And yes, unfortunately I was wrong. These women turned out to be a blessing in my life. They warned me that my new found faith would blow up in my face one day. That because I strongly believed in God's love for me and that he would never let anything more bad happen to me, that when something bad came into my life my faith would disappear.  How could they say such a thing? How could they preach faith one day and turn around the next and tell you your faith would be tested one day. I just didn't believe it.

Well, they were right. One day my husband at the time told me he wanted a divorce. He only married me because that was what he should do at his age; get married. I remember a fog slowly form around me. I was safe in this fog. I did not have to feel. I didn't have to talk to anyone. And I certainly didn't want to talk to God. Once again I was made to feel like a fool by my faith in a God I thought I believed in. Then it struck me, I was believing in the church's concept of God. A God of judgement, testing those who he loved; testing our love and loyalty. What kind of God would create us kmnwing one day we would destroy the beautiful life on this planet? No, the more I heard at church, the less I believed in a God of THEIR understanding. I knew it was time to find a God of MY understanding. I needed the God I had in early sobriety. The God I did not need to understand or know; just had to believe he was there and heard everything I said. And every so often this God would show Itself through a "coincident". I once heard, Coincident's are God's way of staying anonymous. Now, once again I believe in a Power Greater than Myself. One that I do not need to understand or put in a box. A God of all Life and creation. We are all part of this Universe, connected through this Higher Being.

If you really think about it; it is pretty arrogant to believe we could understand a God who is powerful enough to Create such a Universe. Where everything is made perfect. But we humans have become our own god. Creating and manufacturing machines and pesticides for things creation was doing all by itself. Did you know that bats eat insects? Yes, they come out at night and the pesty insects we hate. But I guess they don't it well enough to suit us so we created pesticides. A chemical that not only kills insects, but is toxic to us as well. Is this not crazy? If you believe God is the creator of all that exists, why do you litter? Why do you seek to destroy His creation? No, sorry, don't buy it.

The God of my understanding doesn't expect or need anything from me. However I need all from God. Strength for when life is difficult, Courage for when I am afraid or have lost someone important, or a job; I need my God for inner peace when I am in turmoil and my emotions are all over the place. The God of my understanding has no beginning or end and all of us, all that has life in it, are apart of the Higher Being because we are apart of the Universe. We were born into a world filled with greed, envy, anger, murder. But we don't have to let these things consume our every waking moment. At least that is what I have to keep telling myself. You see, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, my life is filled with worry and fear. And that is why every day I start with a simple prayer I learned about serenity, courage and wisdom. I have to accept I am powerless over people and what they do or how they choose to live; not to mention what they think about me. When I can accept I am powerless over others and situations, that trying to control what happens, my life becomes unmanageable. I am working on "Letting Go, and Letting God." It is not easy for me to trust in Power I believe in, yet don't necessarily believe it cares about someone as insignificant as me. Trust, it is a big word for but I am watching my life unfold in a different way and watching out for small miracles and "coincidences". For those times where I am afraid, and suddenly I walk through the fear believing this Power is with me giving me courage. And after I have walked through the fear, (or drove through it in a winter storm), it fills me with more faith and a sense that maybe, just maybe I am not who I believe I am. Perhaps I am stronger and better, but it is hidden deep down by mistrust of the Power's love for me.

Each day I grow closer and closer to believing in a God of MY understanding. A God that is too big for me to define. As I continue on this journey, as I talk more regularly to this Power greater than myself, I believe I will gain back that strong faith I once had before I allowed humans with good intentions tell me who this God is. We are all a family in this universe and as my husband puts so well; This Power greater than all of us, is gentle enough to give each of us an understanding we can turn and trust in God. We will all have our different beliefs and that is OK. It is OK to believe differently, but it is also important that we do not force our personal faiths on others. That we do not judge our fellow brother and sisters in this Power of life. That is playing God. Our purpose while here on this planet, is to help, love and give hope to one another, at least that is what I believe.

So, I will leave it at that. I have an understanding of who God is in my life today, and I believe it will always be changing, and yet staying the same. I love being on the spiritual journey.

"How A Kindle Fire almost ruined a beautiful Day."

 It is official. Men DO get grumpier as they get older. This morning I have proof. There have been other times when I could have proven it; however I had simply let it go. Not without a fight mind you. So let me share my beautiful Saturday morning's start.

My husband is the most stubborn man on this planet. No, reader, you cannot say your husband is; I've taken dibs on this one ladies.

It has gotten way out of hand and I am not sure how I am going to continue putting up with it. Think about it. What man in his right mind would pick a fight or get stubborn with a menopausal wife? Is that not insane or what? Yet, this very morning my husband has decided he would. All because once again I knew what was good for him and how happy he would be with a Kindle Fire. Why couldn't he have just accepted the gift? Why did he have to get upset when I continued to badger him about it? Hasn't this man learned in the past 20 years that I know what will make him happy? Gosh, sometimes his stubbornness drives me absolutely crazy! His mood changes are so fast the make my head spin. One moment we are laughing and having a good time and the next, he is snapping my head off. Again, because he was not going to try something I know he would enjoy; a Kindle Fire. So we will argue; I will stomp off into my room and not speak to him. My way of "showing him,"

He, on the other hand, will simply go on as if nothing has happened, the argument is over so no need holding on to the anger, is what he is no doubt thinking.  oblivious to the fact that I am in my room ignoring him. I will show him what stubbornness is! I will simply camp out in my room and let him have the whole house, including the television if he pleases. I don't need it. And I will also show this grumpy old man just how well off I can be without any help from him. And when did he turn into this old man? Why does he act old when he is only in his early 60's! I refuse to be married to an old grump. An old anything for that matter. Then it means I am old. Or older I want to say. Anyway, if he doesn't want to listen to me when I am right than so be it. He will just go without a damn Kindle Fire! Or anything else I tell him to get or do that will make him happier. This man always says he "doesn't need it," I keep trying to tell him that is not the point ! Not everything is about need. Sometimes having something is just about having fun, having something to make you feel good. Like me spending money we don't really have, getting my nails done. They look pretty and make me feel good. Isn't that the purpose in life? He just doesn't want to be happy I think. He pretends to be content and satisfied with what he has but I know better. And the sooner he realizes that I do in fact know what will make him happy and satisfied with his life the better it will be for the both of us!

Uggh! If these hot flashes don't go away soon I am going to put us both out of our miseries! He doesn't have to put up with them; nor with having to go without dentures for over a week because of stitches I had to get. Yet, he is the one who got upset because I kept pushing him to take my kindle, and I would get a new one. He wouldn't have to put out the money he doesn't want to 'waste, because he doesn't need it." OK, he did say he would think about it; but really, what is there to think about? If I say this will be good for you, it will be convenient and fun for you to have, why the heck would you argue and get mad and act like a grumpy, stubborn man and decide that now you just won't get one? That is being crazy and unreasonable. Of course as usual, he will make this argument about me.  It will have been caused by my constant pushing him to do something he "wanted to think about" instead of accepting he was wrong by not listening to me and acknowledging I am right. So now I will just have to show him.

First, I will start picking up my own prescriptions and things I need at the store. My car will be filled with gas by me; not him and I will no longer allow him to cook my suppers; I will do that myself. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are just fine for me. Another way I will show him is by cleaning up the kitchen so he doesn't have  get  thanked for doing it. I certainly don't get thanked. And I will clean up after the animals myself, he won't be needed for that either. Yep, I am going to show this husband of mine that I am very capable of living life by myself. He won't have to do a thing. That ought to wake him up.

OK, I admit I could have stopped insisting upon him getting a Kindle Fire when he said, "Let me think about it." I just didn't see what there was to think about. So you get the picture. I had started an unnecessary argument with my husband this morning. There was a difference this time. I ended it before it got too serious. Before it became a fight that ruined the whole day. When he reacted in anger and said, "forget it, I am not getting one." I just waved my hand in the air and said, "Not listening, you are not going to start another weekend with a fight." and here I am, sitting on my bed journaling.

And as usual, writing it out helps me to see the humor in the situation. How silly I can be, or immature if I am to be honest with myself, over the littlest things. Why was it so important for me, that he have a kindle? Yes, they are wonderful and handy. I love having one. So of course I think he would love one as well. Once again I am trying to control what he must do to be happy. But it is not my responsibility to make him happy as it is not his to make me happy. So I am going to stop here and take my dog for a walk. No more pouting; now it is time to be pro active. This is not to say I am not still angry about his stubbornness and grouchiness. I am. It just means I am not going to allow anger to stay burning within and ruin a perfectly beautiful warm day. I will go have breakfast on the deck and take my dog and I for a walk around

Reader you are not going to believe how God turned this whole day around! Well first this God I do not understand but still believe in, filled me with the thought to go for that walk I planned on . On this walk I happened to look into someone's yard and what I was blessed with was to see two deer with a doe between them eating in the yard! It was beautiful. I love to see the Creator's work up and close. He knows how close I feel to this Him/ when outside seeing nature in its natural . I feel uplifted and hopeful whenever I am around trees and animals. I can sense the Universe's Power all around me. I couldn't stop smiling. I could sense my Higher Power smiling and saying, "Cathie, just think, had I not pushed you to walk, you would have missed this creation of mine." I smiled the rest of the way home.

All my anger was gone by the time I got back. My husband was now the one in his room. My first reaction was, oh great, he is reverting back to when he was a kid and would escape into a book rather than fight it out. But then the spirit within gave me a different thought, perhaps he was giving me some space, some time alone to do what I needed to do.

The day was fantastic. I met a very special woman who is the mother I never had, and we went to lunch and movie. I love her so much and have promised to care for her when the time came for her to need it. And I intend to keep this promise. God will need to figure out the details. I will just follow that gentle voice within. We shared serious things at lunch and funny things. I have no doubt at all in my heart that this woman and her husband really love me. That I am special to them and a part of them. That is not easy for me to accept from others, trust, but it is coming along. I want to be able to say one day, "God, I trust that I am a part of you and that you love me."

So back to this morning. Yes, it started out rough, and yes, as the day wore on, I realized that by trying to "show him," my husband.  I was really hurting lf. Do I want to have to start cooking for myself, filling up my car, running after work to pick up prescriptions or something we need? No, and I do not want to take away from my spouse, that feeling of pride and joy he gets because he is doing something for his wife. This is important to him. I am not saying I don't feel relieved I do not have to worry about these things, of course it is nice to have someone to do them for me, I'm not a fool. But I also want to work on not taking him for granted. Or controlling what he does or doesn't do. Like or doesn't like.

When I returned home later in the day all was well. He had let it go, actually he let it go right after it happened. It was me hanging onto it. The need to be right. So worried he wouldn't get a darn Kindle Fire. It is going to take more than a few months to grow through feeling responsible for his happiness or lack of. But the evening was fun and we watched a comedy together and shared things, fun things.

Isn't it silly how big fights and arguments come from that small need inside to control a situation, or feel responsible for other people's happiness? I have a husband who frustrates me to no end a lot of the time; but then I can see clearly now, that he too can find me frustrating and controlling at times.
I guess we will both just keep on learning new ways to deal with things that come up. For me that will take letting go of the belief I know what is best for him and then trying to force it down his throat. Do I really want to choke the guy? Of course not.

Today was a successful day. A wonderful, fun day. These are the days I see God the most. I even saw a coyote as well today. Another reminder that I am not in charge. And all this knowledge and understanding came from a Kindle! Really, is it that important he want one? Is it worth ruining a whole day over? I think not. Just chalk it up to a new lesson about my relationships and need to make everyone happy and actually end up making them frustrated or angry.

We are destroying what brings beauty and life to our World

When you read the title, I am sure many of you thought, "she is going to talk about the Bible." Well, you are wrong. I am actually talking about our language. Our words we use around the world.   I just out of the blue decided to take a walk at lunch instead of getting on Facebook or reading the latest on The Duggers. Writing that out-loud shows me just how wasteful my thirty minutes has been for some time.

I happened to look up at the sky, and today the blue was so striking. I hadn't seen it look that blue in a very long time. Perhaps because I haven't looked up lately? I wondered at that moment, "where did the word blue come from? Who decided which color was which? And who decides what a word means anyway? This probably sounds pretty silly when you just read it real quick. But really, think about it. Where did these definitions come from and how was it determined that, this color would be called blue, and the sky will be blue; this color will be green, and the grass and leaves will be green, not blue or pink, but green; at least until fall; then they will be red, orange and yellow. Who decided a tree bark would be brown? I was just taken by surprise at how strong these questions came to me. Where did it all start? And by who or what? Every country has its own language and yet are interpreted in a way that a tree is a tree no matter where, it is just called by a different name in a different language or meaning to describe the same thing.

Another thought that came to me was that words take on a new meaning as generations come and go. I will use offensive words or meanings in this paragraph, but please remember it is only to explain what I mean, and not to offend anyone at all. So, the word "gay" generations ago meant happy, joyful, glad. For our generation it is a word to describe two people of the same sex as partners. Another word is Find words where their meanings have changed in each generation.

Colors are in nature and are natural. They are "born" purple, red, orange, pink, yellow etc. They are beautiful on their own.  Not one of these natural colors does man have to "improve" upon. The Universe created life form perfectly and with colors that needed no enhancement. At least until we decided it wasn't colorful enough. Everything in nature, every living thing from plants to animals to earth worms and yes bats, to human beings were all made in such a way that it all kept the ecosystem level. Now we have managed to tear it all apart to make room for population growth. And to fill the need for more humans, we are destroying the very things we need to exist. And we are destroying and ridding our planet of the beauty of color as well as the beauty we get when we see an animal in its natural habitat. Or even when we see one where you might not expect. All I know is, when I see the mother deer and her babies each year, I am filled with a joy and love I cannot explain. And it concerns me that we are taking away these animals food source. We are destroying our beautiful land for shopping malls, parking lots, stores. And years later, we no longer use such businesses and they stand empty for a few more years. Such waste to good land.

Humans have a need for loud noise, be it radio, or t.v. anything to distract us from hearing our own thoughts. What are people afraid to think about? Why is it so difficult to be still and quiet. To enjoy the sounds of nature. We have replaced the sound of birds, crickets, children laughing with loud music,and other un-natural sounds. Nature is no longer seen as part of God's creation, (use your own concept of God when I use the term). It is no longer something wonderful to see. It is just something in the way of progress. When I see a mountain side being ripped apart with bulldozers to make room for more housing, I want to scream. It is as if it were taking a part of me. I can't explain it. But it tears me up inside. My thoughts automatically go to the animals that have now lost their home or food source. We are replacing natures way of keeping the ecosystem doing its job.  Did you know it is animal dung that fertilized the ground for grass to grow? Without grass, there is no food source for the animals. We have pesticides to kill insects, when nature created bats to do that job. Again, we are killing off a species with harmful chemicals, instead of allowing nature to do its job harmlessly. But, it is more important for corporations to keep their money to buy their "toys", fancy homes and other material wealth. It doesn't matter to them that they are destroying the very things we need to keep our species alive for many years to come. We have become the "God" of the earth. We build and invent ways and objects to do the job nature has been doing since the beginning; and in a way that is not harmful to man or other species.

All these thoughts came from one simple question of where did the "word" or language begin and who determined what a tree was, the sky, earth. Who called these things by the name we accepted? Was it through generations as language  began to form? Look how much language has changed over the centuries. How words not used years ago suddenly appear from the next generation. Shit, Fuck, Ass hole; words created by a newer generation and given a negative meaning, making them "bad words". Who determined they were bad? Again, who or how did these words form?  Why not freak-en? Or oh shoot? Why were these not "bad" words? They were used to express negative feelings or opinions as the words earlier were. Again, who determines whether a word is good or a word is bad? It was just something I began to ponder on as I continued my walk and observed what little nature was left in this area. I was grateful I had a park to walk around that still had the big trees and I could hear the birds enjoying them. I could see people enjoying their shade from the big trees.

The more I thought about nature and its perfection the more I though about who God may be. How powerful to be able to create such magnificence. How loving in order to create such tender animals like birds, rabbits, butterflies etc. How creative and gentle this God must be to add beauty in the flowers and landscapes. And how loving to create each part of the ecosystem in such a way that all life form from plants to humans needs were met, and how all of life depends on this ecosystem to survive life. And now we humans, supposedly believed by some as the important ones, who made in the image of God himself or itself, are destroying the very perfection their God created without a thought to how they are destroying the beauty and food sources for natures animals. All in the name of progress.

Who needs God anyway. Aren't we intelligent enough without his aid? Look at what we have been able to accomplish? We have come so far that we don't even need him or see him. As a matter of fact we have come so far that we don't even believe in God, we don't need to; we have shown what is beyond the sky; an open universe filled with other planets. And now we can send automation out into the universe and see for ourselves there is no heaven, just open space, a universe. But who or what created this universe? How did it come to be that each planet is exactly where it needs to be to keep the earth from rotating out of control. How did gravity happen in such a way that it is able to keep the planets where they need to be? To keep us from floating off into outer space. The more questions I ask myself the more I am convinced I may be wrong about this God thing. God has many different names, depending on where you are living, what your culture is, and how you are taught to believe. Each God has different rules to obey. And each God is defended by war and judgement of others who believe differently. But what each God has in common is that he or it, is the one who created life forms perfectly. And again, how did that come to be? Who decided and how did they decide who God was? If there is one God, and only one God, why so many different meanings of who he/she is? If God is all powerful, all knowing , why are we trying to change what He designed? Why do we believe we can make it better? Look at all the damage and harm to the earth and ourselves with our man made creations, inventions.  Again, I found myself obsessed in where did it all begin? When did man begin to speak and make a word's meaning.

All I know is, in a short walk on a gorgeous fall day, I saw and felt the presence of a God of the Universe, of creation, for the first time in a very long time. I allowed doubts and disbelief over shadow the beauty of God and his creation. I allowed worldly turmoil and chaos over shadow faith and trust, belief. I tried to prove and create God, instead of just looking past all the human made objects that have over shadowed nature take away the last of any faith I once had. I have allowed questions and lack of faith replace childlike faith. Just believing from shear innocence. I tried to accept church doctrine and teachings and traditions, but all that did was turn my eyes from the creation around me, and slowly from the Creator of this wonderful, natural perfect world. I allowed people's criticism become my criticism. Does all this mean I suddenly believe the bible is the only true word of God? The only word of God? Absolutely not. I believe it was interpreted by human beings and used to control people once upon a time. It is time to step away from church doctrine and get back to where God resides; in his creation. Instead, we are slowly destroying our wonderful earth and all that depends on it to continue life forms.

God, again your belief of who or what God is to you,  created life, all life forms. It is time for us get back to that love and respect for his creation. But perhaps I am naive in believing we can undo the damage we have done to what was made perfect. Oh my goodness; am I beginning to believe once again in God? I never stopped. I have always believed in a God of creation. Just not in the teachings of God. Once again, who had the rights to decide what the scrolls found really meant? It comes down to my original question; how did words and their meanings come to be?

By the end of my short walk I remembered the feeling of being a part of the universe, God I once had and his creation. I felt his presence within me and found myself smiling and feeling I was not alone. I am a part of the God and all his creation. We are all a part of him; all living things are a part of the spirit that brings life. Remembering all thee things brought me back to the sense of God's presence in my life and all who come into my life. I don't have to like all he created; but I do need to respect it because we are all connected to the one spiritual, powerful being that brought life upon this earth.

Well, I better stop before I get into a lecture. But I hope this short piece will open the minds of others. I hope it will awaken a new strong desire to protect and nurture all life form once again. To stop all the meaningless destruction we are bringing to the very earth and its inhabitants that bring true life and inner peace to ourselves. I know I will be trying harder to do my part, even if it appears to be little and perhaps useless in the big scheme of things. But, it will also bring me closer to the Creator; I will once again feel a part of him and that means important to him.

A new family built from Friendships

I can't believe it. I just lost two hours of writing about my visit back home and how things are not always how we wished or believed them to be. I hit a button some how and lost the whole thing.   Now I must start rewriting the whole thing again. I know it will be different and I want to cry. It was good and it was honest. I can only hope my God will bring back the words she gave me in the first piece I wrote.

I had planned and bought my tickets to fly back east to stay with one of my sisters we will call Elle. During those eight months Elle and I texted back and forth almost daily. We were building that relationship I saw in healthy families. We were joking, laughing and sometimes sharing serious things with each other. As the trip got closer, we began talking about all the fun we were going to have. Eating jello and watching our favorite shows. Playing Yahtzee til late into the night. It was going to be so much fun. And with all the work I had been doing the past year, I just knew she and my other sisters were going to love the new me. They were going to be so happy spending time with me and forming a close, loving relationship with one another. I couldn't wait for my nieces to meet me, and I them.

As the trip got within a couple of months, I began to sense trouble in the horizon. My baby sister, (we will call Sheila), were also making plans of our own. There was no reason for Elle to take time off from her new job during my seven day visit. I could spend a couple of them with Sheila. It was exciting. We were planning how we would have time to share and get to know each other do some bonding. When I told Elle our plans of having a couple days together, so she need not worry about taking every day off, she became different. Instead of being relieved to save vacation time, and giving me and Sheila some time together (like a normal family would), she wanted to know why she wasn't included. And was dinner and game night at Sheila's just for me, or was she invited. I saw for the first time since my planned trip, that Elle was just as jealous and controlling as I remembered her to be. I simply told her of course she was invited. And we were just trying to save her some vac. time at her new job. Already I was being sucked into the old "roles" of my dysfunctional family. And it was about to get worse. A few weeks before I was to leave I began to feel uncomfortable and nervous. Through all the texting I was beginning to see that there would be no "Cathie and Sheila time." Elle had gone ahead and taken every day I would be there off from her job. Her way of controlling and manipulating my plans and the trip. She was running the show. There would be no bonding time between me and Sheila, or any family member for that matter except with Elle.

I continued to tell myself it would be alright. Hadn't I changed? Didn't I have some "tools" to use on my visit? I knew not to react to things; to be loving and kind and accepting of my sisters. Letting them be who they were. More important, I knew I could not and should not try to change their lives. Only go to visit. But deep down I was still excited to show them their new better version of Cathie, their big sister. I couldn't wait for Sheila to see her big sister and learn she could trust and turn to me if she ever needed a big sister.

The first two days were fantastic. Elle and I went shopping, out to lunch, just had fun talking and laughing. I was able to spend evenings with our niece who was living with Elle, and getting to see the young lady she had grown into. She had just graduated high school. Sheila came over in the evening after work to visit. She cooked us a meal and now as I look back, there was little time for her to come sit and visit. Again Elle had managed to manipulate it in a way that looked like Sheila chose to cook. And perhaps she did. I only remember not being able to visit with her alone during my entire trip . Elle was always there. I also watched as Elle controlled those around her. She was happy and loving when everyone was living by her script; (remember, I forgot to mail mine ahead). But I also witnessed on several occasions a lot of anger. The one constant during my whole trip was the yelling and constant loud noise. Loud t.v.; the radio going every morning, dogs barking loud and continuously every morning. It was just constant loud noise. Not at all what my fantasy trip looked like. And it was about to get a whole lot worse.

On the third day, another one of my sisters, we will call Betsy, came into the picture. It was Saturday. My grand-nephews 2nd birthday party. I knew no one there and Elle was off busy helping our older niece with the party. Thank goodness for Tina, my niece living with Elle. She kept me company until Betsy showed up. It was not the entrance I expected. When Betsy came into the yard that day I was beyond shock. I could not accept mentally, what I was seeing. As she got closer I saw a very frail, thin rail of a lady, with eyes hidden in dark sockets approaching me with a big smile. She had to use a cane. Was this really Betsy? I saw pictures, she wasn't sick like this. that I remember. I was told she was doing better!  She gave me a big hug and sat down by me. She was in a good place mentally, not snowed under with medication (I thought) and we were having such a good time talking and taking selfies. Yes, I was having fun with another one of my sisters, my fantasy was becoming real. Suddenly, Betsy saw Elle sitting across from us alone. She said she better go talk to her before she got angry because she was getting jealous. I was heart broken. This wasn't suppose to happen. I was the one visiting, I didn't have every day with my sisters, Elle did. Why wasn't it OK to have time with each of my sisters without one of them being jealous and getting angry? We were adults now remember? So there I was again. Sitting alone at a party I knew no one. I was growing bored and my back was hurting from too much sitting and walking the last two days. I was ready to go home. I was ignored when asked if we were leaving soon. We had already been there all day; didn't she want to spend time with me, her sister she was so excited to spend time with? I was beginning to regret my decision to spend a full week there.

Finally it was time to go home. I wasn't sure how Elle was going to be when we got in the car. But she seemed OK. I was relieve she wasn't angry over my having fun with my sister. I was soon to learn how wrong I was. Later that night, I mentioned Betsy had said she wanted to ride to the airport with us. It was as if I had announced some terrible news! Elle snapped at me and wanted to know why. And why was Betsy and I hanging all over each other with selfies and never once talked to her! I was shocked and not sure how to respond. I was, after all, staying in her house and we had plenty of time talking, while my time with my other sisters was limited. Where was this anger coming from? I slowly got up and went into the kitchen. I mumbled something about being frustrated over not being able to spend time with my other sisters without causing trouble. I went to go up stairs when Elle got snobby and stated, "what, now your going to go upstairs and pout?" My new learning tools kicked in; I remained calm and simply reminded her that it was she who said, if I needed space, feel free to go upstairs. She calmed down for a bit. I then foolishly stated I did not think it was right that I could not have fun with my other sisters without causing trouble for her. Something to those words. Suddenly not only was she screaming at me about being made to be the bad guy, but then my brother in law came out of his den and began screaming in my face about not knowing what they had to deal with every day with my sisters drug problems. I tried to say that was true, and that is why I thought she was having one of her good days. I was not to explain my side. I could not talk over their screaming and the little frightened guilt ridden girl came soaring into my body. I was no longer the confident, grown up Cathie. Now I was the little girl being screamed at for something she unknowingly, innocently did. I ran up to my room and cried hysterically as I dialed a dear friend who had been there to help me grow and change over the past year and a half. I recall crying out to her, "I want to be an adult in this mess, I was hysterical and felt like I was going to throw up. She calmed me down and helped me to see what I needed to do step by step as I was too confused  and emotional to know on my own.  I called my husband to see if he could please get me tickets to come home the very next day. I tried to explain what had happened and how I just couldn't stay there and be stressed all week over who I could talk to and when. He talked to me and was so loving and he told me to calm down he would see what he could do. He would get me home. We hung up so he could look into it. Meanwhile my niece walked in and tried to console me and explain that this was Elle. She was very jealous and gets jealous. You  just have to accept it and ignore it. In 5 minutes it would all be over and never brought up again. I told her that was not OK, what they did, was not OK nor acceptable. She begged me not leave. To just please give it another day. My phone rang, it was a lady I didn't know, that my friend had called. I told my niece I needed to take this call and would think about what she said. The kind lady on the other end of the phone was gentle and kind as she spoke to me. She shared how she dealt with dysfunctional family members and made some suggestions on how I could get through the next week. It was so helpful. My husband called me back and said he could get me home the next day. I asked about the cost and could we get the money back, he wasn't sure. I asked if we had enough for me to stay a hotel the rest of my trip, we did not. Apparently my God felt it was important for me to stay put. I thanked him for trying and being there for me, but I would stick it out.

True to my nieces words, the next morning I woke up to the usual. Elle sitting at her kitchen table texting on her phone, listening to her radio, dogs barking like crazy, Elle yelling for them to shut up. I could feel the tenseness between us. What was I supposed to do? If I tried to talk about what happened it would create a whole new angry conversation; if I played the game and acted as if everything was forgotten and ok, it would lessen the tension and make life bearable for everyone. I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and took my coffee upstairs while they went back and forth with Betsy and whether or not she was going to the big fair with us. Memories I had safely tucked away slowly crept back into my mind. Memories of my dad beating my mother the night before in a drunken rage; us sisters huddled in terror once again, wondering if tonight was the night he would kill her. The next day we all went about business as usual. What happened the night before was not mentioned and forgotten. I was angry. It wasn't' suppose to be this way. What happened to the fun and laughter we were going to have? I knew without a doubt  those times were meant for only  for when Elle and I were alone. But when other family members were present, I was conveniently pushed aside while Elle talked and joke with them. I was being gently put in my place. I knew that morning how my trip was going to be played out and I was filled with sadness and anger.

The day at the fair was long and tense. Thankfully Sheila, my baby sister was there and at times she and I were able to go see things together without causing anger in Elle. My niece with the two year old sensed something was wrong but I refused to talk to her about it. Elle for the most part ignored me. At times she would include me; but I already knew my role. Be quiet and join in when invited. I was not the sister from out of town that everyone was spending quality time with; I was simply the sister. Elle was the important one and she made sure whenever a family member started to have fun with me, that I,knew it. The day was long and my back was getting worse from all the sitting and the 12 hours of walking around the fair. I said nothing. I had become who I resented. one of Elle's minions. It would be the only way to survive this trip. I could not imagine how I was going to get through the next four days. That evening was usual. t.v. shows and phone texting. No real conversations. I learned quickly this was her life. I did my best to make the day enjoyable and found little gifts to bring home. I kept being reminded in my head, "you are as happy as you choose to be, you have choices today."

The next day we went to the beach. It was the best time ever and I was going to enjoy the heck out of it; Elle's jealousy be damned!  I had a wonderful, fun time at the beach and playing in the water. By evening however, I was ready to leave, my back was in horrible pain and I couldn't sit on the benches. But Elle was insistent that we stay and cook burgers, in spite of me stating I was ready to leave and hurting pretty bad. She snapped something I don't recall, but remember feeling embarrassed and angry. It was as if she were my mother all over again telling me to "shut up and be quiet". Yup, it was becoming a long seven days for sure. But I just kept my eyes on my trip back home. Making the best of each day as I could and not reacting to Elle's controlling jealous character. We both knew the argument had changed us, our relationship.

Somehow I got through the rest of the trip and it was finally my last night. Everyone was coming over to have dinner and say good bye. My niece, the older one, and I were at the computer getting ready to click on the airline site to get good seats on the plane. After we received the confirmation however, we could not get it to print. We were sitting there trying everything and laughing. Having fun you might say. Once again Elle's jealous anger erupted as she came into the room wanting to know what we were laughing about. I explained we couldn't get the ticket to print. She told us both to get up and go eat, she would do it. I heard that a lot over the week come to think about it. She would take control of a situation, then be angry for having to do it. Finally Sheila was able to figure it out. I was eating my supper scared to death I was not going to be able to get a flight home. I was relieved and happy. Sheila had also brought over a beautiful mason jar filled with sand, shells, grass and even a dead crab from the day at the beach! I was so overwhelmed with love towards this sister. She spent most of the evening cooking me a great meal. I joined her in the kitchen a few times but made sure it wasn't too long so it didn't cause trouble with the jealous one. The feeling of being her protective, big sister from the past came back to me with such force, it took all I had to not burst out crying for all the work she put into making this a good trip, I wanted badly to take her aside and tell her she didn't have to live this way. But it was not my place, nor my business. So I prayed quietly and was calmed down.

The next day I could not get to the airport quick enough. I was a couple hours early and it didn't matter. It would be a couple hours to unwind and let what happened sink in. I was disappointed that  I was not as changed as I had thought. It hurt my ego to see that I was still easily drawn into reacting to others behavior and moods as I always was. I did not see the amazing growth and change I had hoped to see on this trip. The only difference was Elle and I were still speaking when we got to the air port to say good bye.

My first day home was one of silent emotional melt down. I couldn't feel anything or think about anything. I only remember unpacking slowly and asking myself over and over, what happened? What did I do wrong? I had a good cry that first morning, and the day was pleasantly quiet. Going from constant loud noises and angry yelling, to no one there was both wonderful and troubling. It was as if my brain was having trouble figuring out what just happened. The next day I knew I wasn't ready to go back to work. I wasn't emotionally ready to walk back into the office where the noise level and lack of respect was the same as what I just left. So I did what I needed to do for me and stayed home. By the middle of the second day home I was myself again and everything felt normal. Elle had texted and once again she and I were acting as if nothing had happened. But we both know that wasn't true. We just choose not to talk about it. For now that is OK. I understand with both pity and compassion how sad a life she has.

What positive things can I take from this trip? I gained a sense of gratitude for my life here and with my husband I did not have before. I had it, but not to the degree I now feel. Now I had something to compare my life with. As  painful as it was to accept, I knew without a doubt, my relationship with my sisters was not going to be how I had hoped; perhaps it never would be. That is not for me to say. But for today, I will take what I can get. After a few days home, I was able to look at my sisters in a whole different way. I understand where each of them are coming from. I understand why they behave and live the way they do. Like me at one time in my life; they know no different.

So where are we now? We are back to texting, though not as much, like all is well in paradise. Elle's jealousy still pops up anytime I show my baby sister special attention on Facebook. but that is her problem. I am slowly learning when it is about me, and when it is about the other person. I also learned I still have a long way to go when dealing with relationships, especially with those that are important to me. It is time to bury the fantasy of the relationship I had hoped for with my sisters, and accept with unconditional love, the one I actually have. Or should I say, don't have? After all, I am the one that got away.

I have not given up on my sisters completely mind you. I have just accepted the relationships for what they are. And I know that when we do text it is usually because I texted first. Perhaps it is time for me to step back and give them permission to have a relationship with me if they choose to. It is a very painful reality. But I know from experience that when I accept it, I will grow a little more. As my friends always remind me; change is a life long process. It happens slowly. Others will see it before we do.

Last evening we had a party at our home and some friends were over. It was such fun and as I looked around I couldn't help but smile as I watched different conversations going on and everyone was smiling and laughing. There was no arguing nor yelling. Just laughter, some seriousness at times, depending on the subject going on. But in all, it was a night of relaxing and having fun with my new family.

Many years ago, I remember listening to a woman speak who said, "I couldn't choose the family I was born into, but now as an adult, I can create a new family " and so friends, that is what I am slowly doing. I will always be family by blood with my sisters. But I have to remember, I have only been back a few times in thirty some odd years with little conversations in between. I am closer and know more about my friends then I do my sisters. So it would make sense to create a new family with my friends. My relationships are now built slowly with others who are fun, encouraging, and who love and accept me unconditionally just as I am. Knowing I have warts, but loving me while the warts are slowly removed. My friends are what I like to call my "wart removers" although they don't know it yet because I just made it up. I have a long way to go to be a better person, but today I don't have to do it alone. I have a family of friends to help me.

Let it begin with Me

 I am beginning a new life experience. I am excited to once again share who I was, where I've been emotionally and spiritually, and where my Mother God has lead me to. Once again the excitement to write is back. A friend' just earlier this evening inspired me to get back on this blog and write. She said I had something other people could relate to and needed to know they were not alone. And that is exactly why I started this blog. I want all of you to know those of us in our senior years are not alone and less important the younger people. Writing about my life, my experiences  not only help me to feel good about reaching out to others, but it also frees me from the shame, fears and sense of no longer being important in this age where only the young matter. I look forward to the day I begin to hear back from readers and their input and experiences as well, and how they over came insecurities and fears. I don't know who you, the reader is, and  yet I feel we know each other by our common thoughts and experiences. Lets face it. Life looks uncertain for us baby boomers. The future does not look bright and secure if you don't have a large bank account, a rich relative to leave you their house or money. But we can at least know we are not alone. That if it came to be; we will at least have one another to share our cardboard boxes on the streets.

Seriously though, where do I begin? For now all I can do is "throw up" my thoughts onto this paper and see where the words go. Trust my Mother Spirit to put the right words into the right sentence. Later I can go back and clean up the mess and move words around so they make sense and are coherent   at she directs me.

Someone asked me what type of  audience was I trying to reach? Well, being as this is my journal, it will no doubt resonate more with the older generation. How many 20 year old young ladies for instance stare in the mirror and notice more wrinkles or gray hairs that were not there the day before. I remember so clearly when this began to happen to me. I was upstairs in the bathroom brushing my teeth and when I raised up my head I noticed my eyes were more droopy than usual. My eyelids were not going back up. So I rinsed my face and thought they would be back to normal as the day went on. But to my astonishment, (horror is more like it),  I noticed later that day the droopy eye lids were still droopy! They had not risen back up. I literally screamed to my husband who was watching t.v. downstairs, "Oh my God, Steve, my eyes have fallen and they aren't going back up!" At that moment I knew I was no longer the young lady with the big pretty brown eyes. Now I had wished I had my glasses back to hide behind.

Slowly over the past two years I notice that changes to my physical body are developing on a rapid pace, almost daily. I still look good for 58, people are surprised when I tell them how old I am, (God please don't let this be kindness). It still remains a sad fact though; my body is aging. So what am I going to do? Sit down and feel sorry for myself? Continue to waste more years sitting around watching more of my life go on without my participation?  Being bombarded with ads about looking younger doesn't help my self esteem much.  I blame the media. Their subtle brain washing through ads and commercials. Have you notice how commercials for perfume, clothes, cars and jewelry all have slim beautiful women in them? And of course they have to look sexy as well. Why in the world do you have to be sexy to eat a fat, messy cheeseburger?  I mean really, the girl dong the ad probably runs to the bathroom to throw it all up. We all know we aren't going to stay slim eating a fast food cheeseburger, and we certainly aren't going to look sexy with the sauce running down our chins.  I don't know about you, but when I go out to eat, I want to enjoy my food without worrying about how I look. Commercials are telling our young population that plain over weight women don't have the right to drive a fancy car or buy nice jewelry. No, commercials for us are the Windex commercials, the detergent commercials and of course the family commercials for frozen dinners. They are not fancy restaurants and wine. They don't even use older women to advertise certain moisturizers, special skin soap or lotions, no they use a young lady who does't look a day over 20 to sell face cream to make you longer! How young does she want to look, 15? We get the depend commercials, the under pads that look like underwear. Viagra.

Maybe I am just jealous. I don't like that my hands are winkled and fingers are getting arthritic, or that I grunt when I get up from a sitting or leaning down position. But that is my reality. Each time I notice something else, like growing a mustache and having to plunk these darn hairs that come out of nowhere; and of course I don't find them until they are a foot long. Then my poor husband gets screamed at for letting me go out in public with a hair sticking out like a wart.

It is scary to know I am getting older. That it takes more effort to do the physical activities I once enjoyed without paying for it later in pain. Its not easy to be in my fifties and still not have accomplished anything worth bragging about. Instead, I am just finally learning what it is to be a healthy, respectful woman. It is still hard to stand up for myself with authoritative people, or strong personalities. The insecure little girl comes rushing back to remind me I am not suppose to talk back, I am not worthy of their respect.

 However, lately I am being blessed more and more with things that really matter. Friendships. Relationships based on healthy respect for one another. Laughing at each other's mistakes or silly thoughts. I now have women who encourage, not put down. Friends who treat me as their equal, and respect my opinions. The greatest thing about these new friendships is that they accept it when I continuously get lost trying to find the restaurant we are meeting at; or that I have no idea that some things are best left alone. They laugh "with" me; not "at" me. For the first time in my life I am not just knowing others love me; but feeling it, believing it is genuine, and that means I am really  lovable, and not because I did something for them. How cool is that. You know something else? I realized that by my insecurities, weird thinking turn out to be what attracts others. My sometimes strange antics  are the very things others find me fun and enjoyable to be around.

On the other spectrum, I have come to realize sadly, that when I back away or disappear out of fear or embarrassment, They actually miss me and are hurt that I no longer visit with them in a group we are in together. I honestly believed no one cared if I didn't show up. That I wouldn't be missed or my absence would be noticed. By meeting regularly with these new friends, I am learning through them what a healthy relationship looks like. And that healthy relationships are fun, trustworthy and honest. I do not have to agree with everything my friends or people I respect do. This is called unconditional love. What a concept. It isn't necessary to get angry in order to get a response I want; or to pout when others treat me disrespectfully. Actually I can be quite childish when I feel hurt or unimportant. I sulk and behave like a 14 year old. And look stupid in the process. But again, these friends in my life don't judge me; don't run away or scold me for being an idiot. Instead they laugh because they too have reacted in situations in the same manner.

I guess we are always evolving; growing, changing. And isn't that great? Because as we change and learn from our mistakes and wrong behavior, we become better people; we get to look in the mirror and smile because today we are a better person than we were yesterday. Each day these past few months Mother Spirit within has continually shown me and whispered to me what I need to do; and that is, to always do the right thing no matter how difficult or humbling it may be. To mend a relationship with someone I have to work with, or got into a heated disagreement with, it can even be something I just don't want to deal with out of fear of how the other person might react. Again I am reminded what the important part of change and maturity is, and that is to "Let it begin with Me". Not wait until the other person apologizes or changes to my satisfaction. No, what is right is to always do the next right thing. And to remember, It is not always about me. Boy oh boy, growing up in later life is a difficult thing. And embarrassing as well when I keep it to myself. When I share stupid or wrongful behavior I did with a trusted friend, I am told I am not alone in these reactions. I am able to laugh at my mistakes or embarrassing reactions. However that does not take away my responsibility to do the next right thing. I still have to make the amends for the harm or hurtful feeling I may have caused. Again, its living with the reminder; "Let it begin with me."