A new year for Goals (not resolutions)

As I look ahead at another year to come I am not experiencing the same excitement or anticipation of past years. Perhaps it is because I am older now and have witnessed too many years of unfulfilled resolutions I was going to do, but never have. My intentions were always good. I have been convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt  that, "this year was going to be different," only to come upon the end of another year of failed attempts. I quit making new year resolutions a few years back when I finally admitted defeat and accepted they never work. The only thing I managed to accomplish by setting new year resolutions was making myself feel like a failure and beating myself up for a time because I did fail. Not to mention the humility of facing those who I bragged to regarding what I was going to do that year and having to admit I didn't do it.  Resolutions don't stick. They only last a day, a week, maybe in a good year, a whole month. Like hundreds of people,  I begin a new year vowing to eat healthier, exercise more, maybe start a hobby or new study. Only to buy a nice big pumpkin pie on New Years Day. ( I just called my husband, who is out running errands, and asked if he would pick me up a Starbucks Carmel Macchiato, after just telling him this morning we were not going to have any junk food in the house!).

Suppose I set goals to achieve instead of resolutions to keep?  To me, goals are things we work towards, not set an end to. Maybe this is just a play on words to make me feel more hopeful,  I don't care, if it makes me feel better so be it. I am going to set goals for the coming year and unlike resolutions, if I do not achieve all of them, it is ok. It is the striving that makes it worthwhile, not the end result. Goals are fun where as resolutions are generally something we feel we have to do but don't enjoy the process of doing. Like dieting or exercising to get thin or look impressive to others.

My first new thing for this year is to not set rules for myself. If it isn't hurting anyone else or myself, go for it. Don't feel like cleaning the house? Well then don't, if there are no bugs or rats running around, what is a little clutter going to hurt?  All I do is drive myself crazy and cause an argument with my husband, and for what, clutter on the table? A few clothes lying on the floor? Is peace really worth giving up for these trivial things? Now if you couldn't walk through the living room or get to the bed, well then yes, I would say there is a problem, a sense of denial perhaps. I have always lived by rules. Rules set by myself or by others. False beliefs caused by those who think they are right, or by my sense of needing some form of control over my life. But never out of what rules should be out of . For the best interest of ALL involved. In this case me and those close to me. 

So what goals are realistic and attainable. Goals that I can strive towards and not beat myself up over when I fail and have to try again. Goals, unlike resolutions, can be changed, tweaked. To set these  I have to figure out what is important to me and what are the things that bring me inner joy and peace. What are the things that bring real happiness to my life? Do I even know? Yes. Maybe not all of them, but I do know some.

I know that laughing with my husband and friends brings me happiness and contentment. Board games bring joy inside while we are playing. Reading and crafts such as sewing and embroidery, anything to do with a sewing needle for that matter, brings me happiness and a sense of accomplishment. Writing, as I am doing right now brings me great satisfaction. It is a passion you might say. I may not be a great writer, maybe not even what you might call a good writer or a "professional" writer. But it is something I have loved doing since I learned to put pen to paper, or should I say crayon to paper? Same with reading. There is nothing better on a cold rainy or snowy day, than to lie on the couch or in bed with a good book.

Another passion of mine is learning. Oh how much excitement and sense of accomplishment  I get after learning something new. It brings with it a sense of renown faith in myself, my abilities. As I have been putting things down I realized something.  All these things that are coming to mind are attainable! All these things can be down without financial security. Why have I not known or realized this before? The things that matter most to me, that bring me much joy and happiness are within my reach? Right in front of my nose you might say. A wonderful husband who is also a good friend, (faults and all); good books and paper are within a few steps. So if my laptop were to die, or we lost a job and could no longer have inter-net for a while, I could still write the old fashioned way. Writing on the computer can be fun and faster, but writers, real writers, know deep down there is nothing better than putting a pen to paper. The feeling one gets as the pen glides across the paper is something you cannot duplicate on a computer. But back to the joys and happiness I seek. I already have them in my life. What I can do with goal setting is to bring more of these into my life. Here is how. Now mind you, I am thinking out loud.

Friends: My goal in this area will be to make the friendships I do have stronger. I will also look at the circle of friends I have and ask myself, "do the friends I surround myself with enhance my life or drag it down? Do they put me at ease or am I constantly having to watch what I say or do around them?  Do we laugh and talk a lot when together? Does it matter what I think or feel about a particular topic, or is it what they believe or think that is important? Can we just share thoughts on a topic or does someone have to prove their point?  As you probably guessed, I have been dissecting my relationships lately. Perhaps it is because it is becoming more and more evident  I am not always enjoying myself when out with "friends". So, for this goal I have to look honestly within and ask myself, am I the type of friend I want in my life? How can I attract such friends if I lack being that friend?  The types of friends I wish to attract and become are those who are always striving to be better, to learn and grow in new things. Those who are not afraid to make a mistake or laugh at themselves. I want to have fun, real fun. The kind of fun that just engulfs you. There is nothing better than a real hearty, tear invoking laugh with a friend. (Or spouse). Most important of all? I want to become my own best friend. No longer do I want to put myself beneath others, to be the inferior one. Nor do I wish to continue beating myself up for past mistakes or mistakes to come. A real friend is one who can find it in their heart to forgive. And I will be that friend to myself and my friends as well. Last in this area. I am gong to set a goal towards developing new relationships in my life.
Relationships that force me to grow and challenge myself. Surround myself with people who like me, are tired of sitting around wishing for things to be different, and are ready to do things different.

Learning: Since I get such excitement when I am learning something, why not look for ways I can learn something new each month or bi-monthly if once a month is unrealistic. Oh hell, why set a time line in this area? Why not just say I will learn something new as often as reasonably possible. After I have learned something, or gotten the hang of something,  I will merely start on something else to learn or get the hang of. Actually, now that I think about it, I have started in this area. A woman I know who teaches Social Media classes is going to teach me about it this coming weekend! I won the football pool and am using this money for it. What is more important these days than to learn how the social media works? There are two bonuses for me in this; I love it and I will need it if I am to move forward in our world of technology. So for this goal I will simply take what is already at my disposal, women who know the things I would like to learn and are willing to teach me, and take their offers. I have another lady who would love to teach me to become a good knitter. I am tired of knitting simple things like dishcloths and afghans. I want to knit a sweater, so I have begun on a pattern that is simple, we shall see if I accomplish my goal and finish a sweater someone would first of all be able to wear, and secondly, want to wear it in public! So it is set. I will continue on my travels or learning new skills.

Another area in which I can set a goal is the area of employment. Is where I am in life, where I wish or hope to end my working career? We know I have to be realistic in this area. After all, its not like I have twenty or thirty years ahead of me to try out different careers. Nor is it reasonable to think I can learn the skills needed to gain employment in the technological world we are advancing in. But! This does not mean I have no value what so ever to contribute in the world of employment. I simply have to take a look at what I enjoy and see where I can use these in the work place. For instance, I love the sense of joy it brings me when I know what I did helped someone. Or that feeling inside you get when you bring a smile to someone's face or relieved them of a burden. I miss that part of my life when I worked in LTC. I loved knowing each day I made a difference, even a small one, like spending a few short minutes listening to an elderly person's story or concern they had. Or of taking them for breakfast outside the facility once a week. And the job I had greeting customers or family members as they came into the building and helping them find the area they were looking for. It all seems trivial I am sure. But I miss it. I miss working with the public, sitting at a desk inputting information all day is depressing. I have often thought about how much fun it would be to go out there and show caretakers easier ways to care for their loved ones. After all, I have thirty or more years of experience. Anyway, that's just talk. Not like I could really do it. See, right there. That is what stops me from accomplishing things! That negative self talk. No more of that Cathie. It stops here. (Is this another goal?)

Ok, its only three goals so far, but they are big goals at that. And they will bring about other positive changes in my daily life as I strive towards accomplishing them. You out there can be my cheering section. I will envision many readers saying, "Go Cathie Go!" I will also envision you striving your own personal goals. Lets do it together.

Well,  goals or no goals, I will put my writing aside for now. Otherwise I am forced to listen to him crack open and chew pistachios as he sits "quietly" and lets me enjoy my writing. Then there is the dog scratching at the door to come in (that he let out). I guess setting goals doesn't mean one can set aside the responsibilities life has for us. Now I will be grateful for all the good things this life (and yes my dear husband) has started this new year with, and get back to the not so exiting aspects of daily living.

HAPPY NEW YEAR BLOGGERS!!

2013, A Year of Triumph.

I missed it. Where did 2013 go? One day I was wrapping gifts and proud of myself because I was ahead of the game this year. Even got my cards out the day after Thanksgiving. I was so puffed up with pride. Now I am sitting on the couch realizing in two days it will be Christmas Eve. I am ready outwardly for my son and his girlfriend to come celebrate the holiday. However, inwardly I am in turmoil trying to register the end of the year is only days away. I cannot believe how quickly the year has flown by. It seems to me that everything in this world is fleeting. Everything we do and use is done with haste; a sense of urgency. No one wants to wait, who has the time?

Where are we in a hurry to get to? Why are we so impatient with each other? More and more people are becoming desensitized to others. We are becoming a rude, impatient society who cares only for ourselves. How much we can attain in how short a time. Then we get what we thought we wanted so badly only to lay it aside for something bigger and faster. For me, I just want to sit back and take my time with something. Anything. But it doesn't work that way. It isn't so easy. I get an idea to do one thing only to be thinking about another project I would like to do, or a topic I would like to learn about. Some folks call this Attention Deficit Disorder, me I call it creativism gone wild.

It is time to sit down quietly with myself and look at what I would like to accomplish in the coming year. Not resolutions mind you, just plain old goals. First I will look back over the last year and see what I accomplished, what I may have done better or differently and in what ways have I grown emotionally and spiritually. Its not always easy to look at oneself, but if you want to grow as a person, you need to know what can be changed to get you closer to the person you would like to be. I am still trying to figure out who I want to become; who I believe I think I am. I only hope I know before I become senile and forget, this is one life time I do not want to repeat!

This last year has been one of self talk. Self evaluation and honesty. No longer running from myself, my past mistakes or errors. I have allowed myself with my husband's encouragement, to look at the accomplishments of the months past. To see the positive accomplishments. I have walked through many fears and self doubts. I have become honest with my spiritual doubts and grown in my emotional struggles. In all parts of my life this year I have gotten closer to who I think I want to become. Of course I am not so naïve as to think  it won't change next week. Heck, it could change tomorrow. I will read an article, hear something and think, wait a minute, I like that! I think I will work towards that. I am as fickle as anyone can be. I change in a matter of seconds sometimes. But through it all I learn more about Cathie and what she is about.

Today I was so proud of myself. I wanted a latte, went to the store. I was standing there for a bit while the lady at the register was banging on the register trying to void out an earlier transaction. Then with frustration she asked if she could help me. I placed my order and she went back to trying to figure out how to close out the previous order so she could place mine. I realized that I really wasn't sure I wanted this lady to make my latte. I wasn't convinced it was going to come out well. I did something I am sure other women have done without a blink, I stated I would come back later, and walked away. She tried to stop me but I yelled back, that's ok, I will return at a later time. Not a big deal huh? But it was for me. I am the people pleaser remember. But NO MORE! I felt bad for the lady behind the counter, but good for me. I didn't want the drink from the frustrated lady and got up the courage to leave before it was too late. I had stuck up for what I wanted. Or in this case, what I did not want. I am always concerned about he other person's feelings or needs. But not this time. I am finally practicing what I am learning watching women of stronger convictions live out their lives. Not in a rude kind of way, but with self-confidence and conviction.

The only way to change is to change. No easy way. No one is going to do it for me. I just have to walk through the uncomfortable feelings, the fears and self doubts. You know, the voices in our heads that tell us we aren't good enough to get what we desire. No more will I allow these lying voices to direct my life. I am going to create new voices. I am going to meet new people in my life; fun people, smart people, risk takers. To do this, I have to become the person I want to hang out with. And I am slowly doing just that.

I  like to believe I am a fun person to do things with. I just need to learn new things so I will be more knowledgeable about topics I find interesting. Or find out where I can meet people with the same interests. I can be that lady who belongs to a group of old ladies sitting around talking while they knit. Or a lady that belongs to a club where none of us know what we are doing but are enjoying ourselves just the same. I can't wait for retirement to do these things. In this day and age I am not sure I will live long enough to retire! So I may as well accept the fact that I will have to work my social life around my job. I will not have the luxury of enjoying myself at retirement.  I will have to get up the energy to meet with people after work or weekends. There has got be more women out there who are in the same boat as myself; wanting to enjoy socializing with other ladies with the same interests, yet cannot do it during the day  due to having jobs. I cannot be the only woman out there who has to work in her senior years. I don't want to wait until I cannot knit anymore or do other things due to arthritis settling in. I need to do it now. Therefore I better end here and do some web searching to see where all these ladies are. And find out what type of groups or classes we have here in town that are not during the day.

Will the Real Cathie Please Stand Up

So,  I got all my shopping done for the holiday only to come home and find the list for my Secret Santa and saw realized there were other items I could have gotten her. So I will no doubt be out shopping this week. I do this every year; think I am done only to feel I needed to do more or buy something different. There is that people pleasing in me again. Worrying about what my co-workers will think of my gifts. Funny though, they are no doubt thinking the same thing. I find as I share my insecurities or concerns with others, that they too, have the same concerns and self-doubts. Why do we always feel we are alone in our feelings, worries, self-doubts etc. Why are we so afraid to just be who we are and enjoy the process of becoming who we were created to be? It is my goal to continue working on accepting who I am today and changing only what I believe needs to be changed in myself, not to please others. To learn who I am and leave behind who others think I am or should be.

Perhaps it is a midlife crisis. This sense of wanting to do so many things I haven't. Or things I never thought I could. There is this creative part of me that is growing stronger within. I want to knit my first sweater, cross-stitch my first Christmas cards. Learn to sew more outfits, perhaps even create my own personal wardrobe. And most important. I want to surround myself with creative, fun people who are enjoying learning new things as much as I do. People who are not afraid to fail or make mistakes. I want to laugh more and have stimulating conversations about interesting subjects. No more sullen, boring acquaintances. Life is too short. I used to believe I should be happy to have  anyone like me or want me as a friend. Now I believe I can decide who I want to surround myself with. I get to decide if someone is worth my time and worthy of hanging out with on a regular basis. Does this sound arrogant? Its not meant to. When you spend your whole life trying to make everyone around you happy and trying to be accepted by the people who will never accept you unless you do as they wish, it is rewarding to realize one day you are worthy of more than you had ever believed you were.

When it really hits you that this is the only life you are going to have on this earth in this life time, it changes your perspective on life. Suddenly it becomes very important that you do as much as you can without comparing your life to others lives. My focus is no longer on what others are doing or can do that I cannot. It is on what can I do with what I have?

So that being said. I will close this blog for now and get on my cross-stitch project so I can finish at least one darn Christmas card this weekend. I am not naïve. I know the thoughts shared above will not always be easy to live out on a daily basis. I know there will be days and moments when I will fall back on the old Cathie and her doubts. But it is my hope that these moments will be less frequent as more creative, encouraging women come into my life. I have a new found hope and I am not going to let it escape me. I may not have another chance.

Lesson from Baking Christmas Cookies

Ok, another "bucket list" mark off. Bake Christmas cookies. Real ones that you cut out shapes. Yes, that is correct, I have never made actual Christmas shaped cookies. So now they are in the refrigerator chilling. The recipe calls for three hours but a lady friend told me she only does it for 30 minutes, so I am compromising and chilling mine for 1 1/2 hours. I said I was baking cookies, I did not say they would be eatable!

So I started getting the ingredients out as the directions called for them. But when I started with the flour I suddenly remembered I hadn't wrapped my husbands gift and he was out picking up a few groceries, so I stopped what I was doing and got to wrapping his gift. After that was done I went back to the kitchen to proceed with the recipe when I realized I couldn't find the measuring spoons! I looked for sometime growing more and more frustrated, even looked in the closet where the wrapping paper was thinking perhaps I had left them in there when I grabbed the paper. No. Frantically I went back to the kitchen and remembered I had to heat the oven and there they were the whole time, on top of the stove. "Really" I muttered grabbing them and feeling quite stupid.

Proceeding with the recipe I went to the cupboard to grab the baking powder and didn't see it. So I checked in the refrigerator where I had kept it in the past and could not find it the refrigerator was so full. So of course the next step in the recipe was, clean out the refrigerator real quick so I could find the baking powder, a less full kitchen and few minutes later I still did not find the baking powder. Growing more agitated I went back to the cupboard and realized I had not bothered to look behind the spices where of course I found the baking powder. Feeling somewhat less agitated I went back to following the directions.

As I was putting in the ingredients I thought about my blog. I hadn't written in a while and I was due for a post. I wondered if perhaps I could share my baking experience as my last few posts had been so deep and serious. It was time for something light hearted. I continued to put together the ingredients and my thoughts starting running together.I decided I would relax when it came to my blog and allow the Spirit of God to guide my words After putting the doe in the refrigerator and sitting down to begin my blog I suddenly realized  I was heating the oven too soon. Here I was feeling proud of myself earlier for remembering that small detail and had not thought about it heating for an hour and half. Oh well I forgave myself and shut the darn thing off. And here I am ready to begin this weeks blog.

It is funny how each of us have our own niche in life. Baking is not mine. Though I enjoy it, I find I enjoy writing much more. It seems more natural to me than trying to follow directions in a recipe and putting all the ingredients together. I do the same with my spiritual walk. I go from one book or person to another gathering all different views on who they believe God is and His will for us and trying to grasp the end result, faith. While I was baking I came to the realization that it may have been easier if I had gotten all the ingredients together first then start putting it together one ingredient at a time. What if I did this on my faith journey? Take it one piece at time and then begin putting it together. Step 1, pray. Step 2 read a spiritual book, maybe even the bible with an open mind? Step 3, sit back and think about what I just read. What did it mean to me? What could God be saying to me? As I was reading the Book of John I gave myself permission to underline and write my thoughts on particular verses that stood out to me. For the first time I was not afraid to be wrong. So what if what I thought in one verse would be proven wrong in a verse further on in the book? Isn't that what learning is about? Questioning, searching then deciding? It isn't like I am going to share these thoughts with anyone; this time my faith is between God and me, at least for now. I am trusting  my Creator fully to guide me in my faith. Just as I believe my cookies will turn out delicious and full of flavor I believe my faith will turn out strong and full of inspiration!

When I embark on a new adventure or craft, I am never afraid to ask someone for their ideas or help. The same is true of this spiritual journey. Take this baking as an example. I shared what I was gong to do with a lady friend who had baked for many years. She shared what worked for her. Although I didn't follow her way exactly, I did take it into consideration and compromised. The same with my faith.

Now notice something here. I did not go to someone who had never baked for suggestions on baking. I went to someone who had baked for several years, someone who had positive results. The same goes for my faith journey. I do not go to people whose lives do not appear spiritual to me. They may talk about what they believe as people who never baked, may share what they believe I might try. No, I meet with those whose lives show God's love in the way they live and treat others. I go to those who have what I want in my relationship with God and in the way I want to live my life. I take what they share and I ponder on it. Then I come to some kind of balance that works for me.

Now, just because I try something a different way, like instead of the three hours the recipe calls for, I try thirty minutes as my friend suggested; does not mean my cookies will turn out good. I may find that the way she does it is the way that is right. Or perhaps the directions the recipe in the book says to do it would make my cookies turn out right. But I won't know until I try it out. Same with faith. What my Christian friends believe and share with me may turn out to be correct; or perhaps what my friends of other spiritual paths may be right. Then again, the "book" I read may turn out to be true. But in all cases, it is by searching, pondering and trying it out; living the way the book tells me, (following the directions), that I will find out what works the best, what makes better cookies, and what makes me a better person. A more joyful peaceful woman of the God of my understanding.

Well the timer went off a bit ago but I couldn't stop writing. So now I have chilled almost two hours. So I will go follow the rest of the directions and then come back to this post.

Now I know why I have never made Christmas Cookies. The batter was horrible. I got to wrapping presents and went past the three hour mark. When I could not get the batter out of the bowl I decided I didn't want to make them anymore so I threw it in the garbage. I don't enjoy all the work that goes into making little cookies that will be gone in no time and forgotten. Is this what my faith is like? When it takes up too much of my time or too difficult to understand I give up on it all together?

My friend that chills her doe for 30 minutes may just know what she is talking about. but I am not going to try it to see. I will just take her word for it.

Well, I am exhausted from all the preparation for the unbaked cookies, wrapping a bunch of gifts. The day is over and it feel wasted. Nothing to show for my efforts. At least I can see what I cross-stich. Lets just say baking Christmas cookies is not my thing. Now eating them, well that is another story! My thing right now is take a nap and then start on my cross-stitch.

Bringing excitement and fun into your life by learning new things!

I would like to share how alive learning can make a person feel. When I learn something new, not only is it exciting for me, but it also builds up my self-confidence . It shows me I am still teachable and able to learn new things if I am truly interested. That is the clincher; it has to be something I have an interest in or passion for. I didn't know how much I enjoy the computer and learning programs. It is frustrating for sure when I cannot figure it out, and the insecure Cathie wants to shut down and give up, "its too difficult", but the stronger side, the advernturous side says, "You go girl, you are going to do this if it kills you." Of course there is a chance I could learn all these things only to get dementia and have to relearn it! Seriously, it is nice to know you can continue to pick up new hobbies and interests even as you grow into your Senior Years. It takes more energy and concentration, lets face it, as we age we don't retain as much information as quickly as when we were younger, nor do we learn as quickly. But it does keep our minds sharp and life worth getting up for each day.

 So tonight I am excited to share that I now have three top priorities for the next month. I found a book of Cross-Stitch Christmas Ornaments to make.  I love to Cross-Stitch so why not use it for something other than putting into a drawer somewhere. Why do I do that anyway? Spend hours and hours on a beautiful cross-stitch piece only for it to end up in a forgotten place. Doesn't say much about how good or bad I think it is. So now I have a piece I made for my husband (who did nothing with it), and I am going to take it to a craft store and they are going to frame it. My first step to saying what I do is important! The first week of the new year I am going to get it framed!! I will even mark it on my calendar.

OK, back to my priorities. Priority #1. I am going to make my co-workers and friends Christmas ornaments. That is about 15. They are little and if I do one each night I should be able to accomplish this goal. Of course it is almost 8:30pm and I have done nothing on this project. However! That leads me to priority #2. Study my new Windows 8.1 computer and how to get around LinkedIn. An acquaintance who teaches a course on Power Point sent me her Power Point demonstration to help me learn it! Tonight I spent a little over an hour reading and practicing moving around my new PC and am loving it. It is overwhelming but once I figure something out I get so excited. My self-confidence grows and I feel really good about Cathie.


Oh Priority #3 was to get back on this blog and stick to it. I ran away for a short time, but I'm back. No more quitting. I was starting to read other blogs and comparing mine and of course I couldn't compare with such good writers so I froze. But I thawed and will continue to read and learn. On the side I am practicing writing short stories for kids.  My Aunt on my husbands side has encouraged me for years now to write. She just this month suggested I write one short story a month. I am thinking about my grand-niece and nephew and how much fun it would be for them to read a story about some adventure they had on their sailboat or some other made up adventure. I am finding that when I discipline myself and make myself sit down and write, I actually love making up stories for kids!

What I am learning with the blogging and stories is that writing takes work. It takes discipline and perseverance. If it does anything for me, it will help me grow in these areas that, to be honest, I am weak in. I am NOT a disciplined woman, nor have I been known to persevere. I envy others that just seem to know what they want and go for it, allowing nothing to get in their way. They ooze with self-confidence and determination. I am going for those two qualities, determination and perseverance. Time to stop procrastinating and acting on impulse and start planning and sticking to the plans.

I can work on ornaments during my half hour lunch since it is too cold this week to go to my car. I can work on writing in the morning before work and after work the computer program learning. Who needs to relax? Who has time? I have spent way too much of my years "relaxing". for me it has become just another term for lazy. From now on, new rules. One night a week to catch up on favorite shows. The rest of the week is for studying, crafts and maybe a game with my husband. My husband is on board with it. "There's nothing to watch anymore" he says. I agree.

Well, I see I need to continue working on staying on the main topic. What was it anyway? Oh yes, my new priorities. Christmas ornaments and learning. But now it is time for hot chocolate and a good book. I am at the moment reading "Mrs. Lincoln's Dressmaker" for next month Book Club. Very interesting. I also started reading "The Book Thief", looks good.

Finding Hope and Trust in a Father's Love.

Well, as I have shared in previous blogs, my struggle with faith continues. However this past week something began to take shape. Something I am not familiar with. Something I had no idea I lacked until recently. That something is called Hope. Who would know that at 57, instead of being filled with wisdom and a life of peace and contentment, I would instead be on an adventure filled with so many, I would never have believed this could happen!

It starts out sad really and I will share how it came about. But first I have to be honest and tell you I am scared out of my mind to share this experience. But I promised myself and readers (should any begin to show up), that I would be open and honest on my journey as a woman first, a senior citizen second, who DOES NOT have it all together.

I have to share a first before I get too serious. Last week we had our company party and I can check off another "I wish I could do that" and say instead, I can't believe I did that! I got up and sang Tina Turner's Proud Mary with my husband as back up singer. No we were not drunk. But I was counting on everyone else in the room to be, let me just say. Anyway, I did her dance like I remembered years ago. Surprise! My boss couldn't believe it and couldn't stop telling me how good I was and how people kept coming up to her and asking if she knew I could sing that good. (I know, they were all drunk, but let me have my moment). It was the best night in a long time. The first time I had so much fun in a long time. I was beaming as I limped to our hotel room. The aches and pains in my joints was worth the feeling of accomplishment and pride I felt for the first time in years. My husband was such a good sport and I knew he had my back that night. Anyway, back to the important message I believe God was trying to convey to me this week.

I was getting ready for bed and without anything triggering these thoughts they just started popping into my head. Here they are:

I want to be a child protected by her father, a father who adores me. A father who calls me his little princess, his most cherished angel. Or the little girl sitting on her daddy's lap and as she reads her first words from a story book she smiles as he says, "you are such a smart little girl, I am so proud."

I want to be a little girl who knows what it is like to be able to run into her daddy's arms after falling off her bike because she knows he will hug her close and let her know it will be ok, he will fix her cuts and help her try again.

I want to be the young teenager going on her first date and having her dad's protective arm around her as he warns the young man "you take care of my little girl, keep her safe." or the young woman who see's the shimmer of tears in her father's eyes as she heads off to college. Again hearing him choke back the tears as he tells her "I am just a phone call away. I am so proud of you."
And last, I want to be that young woman whose father reminds her the night before her wedding, "I will always be your daddy, and you will always be my little girl."

I don't know why these thoughts came to mind that night. I hadn't been doing any journaling or soul searching. Things had been really stressful at work, dealing with a bully.

But my inner spirit kept telling me there was something else going on. I had begun to turn to God for guidance and trying to trust there even was a "God" who cared about people, about me, personally. But haven't been able to wrap my head around the whole virgin birth, resurrection stuff. So I had decided to throw all that out and just go back to the beginning. The beginning when I didn't know about all these rules you had to obey in order to spend eternity with God and avoid hell. I don't care about that right now. The only thing I have been desiring of late is a personal relationship with God, whoever, whatever God is. I am trusting God to tell me what he wants me to know about him. And this means I have to be open to all avenues he may use to speak to me. And my life experience has been that God speaks through people, thoughts, feelings and many other avenues. We just have to be open to it. We have to be honest with ourselves and accept the fact that sometimes we just don't know. That is where I had finally gotten. I had surrendered trying so hard to know everything. Studying so hard to learn everything. I just quit one day and said, "Its all up to you God." And I stopped going to church and bible studies and back to the basics. Either God is or He isn't. I choose He is. And that is good enough for today. Ok, back to the story at hand. This is what I believe was happening.

God gave me those words that night because he wanted me to see Him as my father. He wanted me to face the hurt and pain of what I didn't have so I would realize there is a father who does care, who does cherish me. There is a father who wants to keep me safe, to protect me from the dangers of this horrible world. But like an earthly father, that isn't always possible. Sometimes a dad has to allow his daughter to make her own mistakes, suffer her own pain and yes, sometimes a father cannot save his daughter from harm or death. But what a good father can do is love his child unconditionally and passionately as his cherished angel. Not all of us have been blessed with loving, protective dads, quite the opposite for a lot of us. But that doesn't mean we can't know a father's love. We just have to be willing to take that leap, very huge leap, of faith. And that means overcoming the fear of trusting and of having hope.

God is this father. He helped me to see that night that I was not alone. I was not having to fight this fight alone. All I had to do is be willing to take a leap of faith and trust that he is real and cares about what I am going through. That although I cannot always know for certain of his existence, I could still have hope. I just needed to take a risk and trust. For those of you who have painful pasts, you know the great difficulty this can be, how huge such a small word can be. However, as I look over my life, I see many situations where I should have been killed, yet here I sit typing and feeling sharing what I never thought I would ever share "out there". 

I decided the next morning I would take an honest look backwards and see where God "may have been," and where I was. I was willing to be completely honest and just let me say, that was not easy. Nor is it easy to admit here that I had done some pretty awful things, and it was always when life did not go my way and I left God. Or something would happen that I didn't find fair, so like a little girl, I would throw a tantrum and pout. But the one thing I just recently learned was, no matter how much faith I thought I had in years past, I never had hope. And for me, if there isn't hope, there isn't faith. So that was where I had to start. I had to be willing to have just a little bit of hope and see what happened. And yes, I was scared out of my mind. Afraid nothing would happen. that again I would be disappointed when the "father didn't show up." But I didn't give up this time. And I believe that my perseverance and self honesty led me to that night this week where I could face the hurt little girl and let her go. Let her go and allow the big girl to develop a new relationship with a new father.

 No longer leaning on others faith for strength, but on my own. No longer trying to "find the right god" so I could be "the good Christian.". No, God was showing me these things didn't matter right now. Right now all that mattered was I take that small leap of faith and trust in him.

So once again the big question began to haunt me. How could I trust a God loved me with all that had happened? How could I trust in a God's love with all the tragedies going on in the world? How could I believe in something that made absolutely no sense?  But that inner voice was beginning to teach me new things. First of all, I didn't have to make sense of all these doubts right now. Secondly, I didn't have to concern myself with the worlds ugliness, that was God's business. Right now the only business of mine was to keep my eyes on him and what he was beginning to do within me.

Again those words came to mind, Hope and Trust. Was I really ready to Let Go and Let God as I have heard others say over the years but never really understood? So many "what ifs" come flooding in when I am close to taking that leap. And yet, that night I could hear God's quiet voice tell me, 'I can be that father you dreamed of, that father you always wanted, just take that leap into my protective arms, let me show you." And like the little girl who stood at the end of the diving board looking down at her daddy, trusting him yet still afraid, I took that jump, I leaped.

I don't know what the days ahead will reveal. I don't even know if I am closer to the truth or not. I only know that I have a serenity right now that I do not want to let go of. I do not have the energy any longer to keep fighting and questioning and searching. I am too old. I just want to accept what I have come to believe is a message from God and leave it at that. What or who does it hurt?

Does this mean I know who or what God is? No. Do I care? No. This is between me and God. And I have the trust today, that I will come to believe what God chooses me to believe about Him. (I use Him because it is easier that constantly having to say he/it).

It was a shock to learn I had never had hope in anything or anyone. But knowing that helped me to look at it and take a risk and hope. Hope for a personal relationship with God. Just God and me. Now it is late and God or no God, I still have to get my sleep.

I am a fearful, vulnerable Senior Citizen

I have been sitting at the computer for a couple weeks now. I don't know how to put into words what is going on inside me. Fear. Uncertainty. At 56 years old my future in the work place looks bleak at times. Especially when the field I work in is going electronic. I don't know more than the basics of Word Programs. It isn't that I cannot learn, it is that employers really don't want someone they have to train. I do not hold a degree in any particular field nor have savings. And as I listen to the news it is even more frightening to look into the future and plan ahead.

I hear almost everyday professed Christians tell me how excited they are to go to heaven. That this is the beginning of the end. To which I say, I don't care about after death, I care about surviving life in the here and now! I care about whether or not I will have a job or insurance in the months ahead. I care about whether or not I will have a place to live. These are what I care and worry about. I know personally several elderly folks who cannot get the assistance or care they need because they do not have enough social security or because most Dr.s won't accept Medicare. They live alone feeling frightened and vulnerable. And why shouldn't they? Who is watching out for them? I can't help all of them. Yet we send millions of dollars to other countries to help the poor. Our own seniors and elderly who have paid most of their lives into taxes and social security get barely enough to live on. Our soldiers get barely enough to support their families. Yet they are losing limbs and lives for their country. So no, I do not God nor our Government. I have to look out for myself and somehow I will. Somehow I will muster up the courage to survive.

 How many seniors or elderly live on the streets or in some broken down apt. complex? Will I join them in years to come?  I see all around me how little people care about their neighbors. We are all out for ourselves just trying to survive.  My husband works so hard in the construction business and physically we do not know how much longer he will be able to do so. But he is unable to retire and will no doubt be unable for years to come. Lets face it. The "Golden Years" have turned into the "You are on your own" years.

People tell me all the time. Trust God. Really? You are going to tell someone who gave her life to a belief that only turned her sour towards professed Christianity to trust a God who apparently gets a thrill out of watching his "followers" suffer for his sake? I think not. But that is for another blog. Back to reality.

I have watched co-workers who have come after me get positions I was not even considered for because my boss didn't think "I could handle it". It is another reminder of how those of us who suffer from some type of mental illness, no matter how minimal are discriminated against and judged. I have never lost a job nor could not work due to my illness. I am blessed in that it is not as severe as some I know. And even though that experience was caused by wrong medication, it does not matter. So I am pushed down further in self esteem. I am allowing those who feel superior to define who I am. It must stop, but how? The real sadness is, never in all my working years have I taken a new position I could not or did not learn efficiently.

This morning I got up the courage to read some comments I didn't know were here. It was so encouraging. It has given me more courage to be truthful and honest about this journey. No more secrets. What more can people do to me? I have survived abuse, job losses, divorce and other experiences most do not. And yet, there are a lot who have and it is my hope that you will continue to encourage and share as I do.

Life will continue to get harder as I get older and my health deteriorates. I have a back that is arthritic  and am in pain a lot of the time. It is difficult to watch my body not equal my youthful mind. But now I can focus on writing and sharing my story. I can quit worrying about pleasing others with it and trying to be the "professional" writer. I have the freedom to say, this is me and it will not change as I put me on paper!

Now I need to get going. This isn't one of my best, and won't be my worst. but I didn't want another week to go by without writing something. Later I will take more time to write.