Cleanliness is next to Godliness; Really?

Ok, I admit it, I live my life at times by what I 'feel" like doing or "don't feel" like doing. Its that three year old in me that says, "I don't wanna!" For instance, I still don't want to make the bed, so I don't. I simply pull the cover we use to keep dog hair off the bed spread and there you go, it looks made! Or how about the laundry. Now honestly. who likes to do laundry or dishes when you could be walking the dog, writing, knitting; or maybe your favorite show is coming on. I know it has to be done, and it gets done. Just not on a regular basis. Household chores are more of an "as need " basis. If it needs to be done I will do it. Or my husband will do it. Otherwise it can wait. If I don't need any clean laundry yet, why do a load when I can be outside with the dog or working on a craft? Really. I work all day, do I really have to come home and clean the house as well? Do it on the weekend you say? I don't think so. That's my time to relax and go have fun, or hang with my husband and watch a good movie. Take the dog on a hike. Why on earth would I waste a beautiful sunny day scrubbing a toilet? Or washing down windows or do laundry if I don't need to? And if its a rainy chilly day, well heck, that is the perfect kind of day to wrap up in a blanket on the couch and read a good book. Its all about priorities. Life has priorities. What is important to you. Now I am not saying people who have spotless homes are strange or that something is wrong with them; I admire that they have the energy to keep their homes clean and tidy. All I am saying is, it should also be ok if I don't keep my house spotless and tidy at all times. And yet, how many of us panic when someone shows up unannounced, and of course it is always on the day the house looks its worse! So I have finally found a solution to this problem. Don't  have friends. Just kidding. The solution for me is simply accepting this is who I am and there is no sense in trying to be someone I am not. I am not a good housekeeper. I am a good friend, wife, volunteer, employee. These are what I am good at. My friends who know me love me even when there is dust on the shelves and I haven't vacuumed in a while. We just sit and visit and have a good time. Isn't that what life is really about? Having a good time. Picking our priorities? Isn't it time to relax and leave the stress of impressing others to the younger generation? I think so. I am tired of comparing my house with the neighbors. My clothes with my co-workers clothes. etc. It just gets to a point of life being too short, and it gets shorter a lot quicker these days than it used to! So little by little I am letting go of things that aren't all that important anymore. And the big one today that I am practicing is, not worrying about what other people think. I hear it said over and over. "what other people think of me is none of my business." My business is doing the next right thing and having fun. It is not worrying about what others think.

Does anyone remember as a kid not being able to wait to grow up so you wouldn't have to do these things anymore? When you would be able to do as you pleased and have no one tell you to go clean your room, pick up your clothes or put away your shoes. I couldn't wait to be a grown up and do as I wanted. Not having anyone telling me I had to do something "or else". No one told me this wasn't how it worked. That if I wanted to have a home and food on the table I would have a boss telling me what to do on the job; or that if I wanted to stay out of jail there was certain laws I would have to obey. We will always have someone to answer to in one form or another as long as we are breathing. Maybe more so with some of us than others depending on circumstances. But most of that is just plain maturity and being responsible.

The issue I am addressing here is, what is really important? A perfect home or great times with friends? What brings me closer to God, cleaning my house and resenting the time it is taking, or leaving it and doing something creative that brings my thoughts to a spiritual level? Creativity and time spent with friends always brings me closer to my God. I see the Spirits love in a friends smile; I hear God's voice of encouragement in a book I am reading at the time. I sense the Spirits energy as I sit and create. So excuse me if I don't buy the "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" thing. I wonder where it came from. Probably someone trying to get their kid to clean their room.

Most of us live our lives by what people in our society deems acceptable or religious. Or what we think others deem acceptable. We worry what others will think of us if they saw how we lived when no one is looking. The truth is; we all have days, maybe weeks, when we are just too darn busy to worry about making the damn bed or picking up the clutter around the house. What I want to know is, who makes up these rules? Who determines whether or not I am a good person because I did the dishes before leaving for work? Who decides I am a bad person because I left the bed un-made when I drove off to work? What is important here? Making a bed or giving your pet a walk or some play time before leaving for work?

Lets face it. We all have days where our homes look a bit cluttered. When clothes are on the bedroom floor, or books and papers are lying around on the tables or there is dust on the coffee table. (We have crafts lying around undone that we are "going to get to"). Then we hurry and run around frantically when company is on their way. My husband and I joke that it is a good thing we have friends come over for game night once a month because it gives us the push to give the house a real thorough cleaning.

I wish I could be a better homemaker. I wish I cared enough to have a clutter free home. It would be nice to come home and not see stuff lying around. But the truth is, I don't wanna do it. Either I am too tired when I get home from work or have other projects that are more important to do, crafts to make for people, take my dog for a nice walk after being cooped up all day. Maybe go meet with friends after work. I just don't have the energy to keep a spotless house and work full time and do the things I enjoy. So something has to give. We need my income if we want to have the house and eat. So not working isn't an option. I enjoy my social life and being with friends, so giving that time up isn't an option. So I guess the only other option is to accept this is who I am today and how I choose to live my life. It isn't like I have rats running around or cobwebs hanging off the ceilings. Oh yeah, I did find a couple this weekend in a dark corner of the hall way; but its gone. I don't want to give spiders the idea they are welcome here.

Every day I tell myself I am going to set up a schedule. Each day I will take 10 minutes to do a room; dust, iron, clean the bathrooms etc. If there was a schedule then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to have a clean home and still enjoy life after work. But it hasn't happened yet. Not sure it ever will. So I will just continue to do what I want to do and not do what I don't want to do. I will be that grown-up I couldn't wait to be that no one could boss her around anymore. I will do the things that bring me joy and continue to keep friends who accept me just the way I am, dust, clutter and all. So if you are in the neighborhood and not afraid of a little mess, then please, by all means, drop on in. You are always welcome in our home. But if a little dust or clutter bothers you, you might want to keep on walking or driving by. We don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, including ourselves!  I hate that embarrassing feeling after someone has dropped by to say hello or give me something and it is the very day I had pulled laundry out of the dryer and thrown it on the sofa and got busy doing something else. The visitor doesn't know I just pulled it out, they just see the pile of clothes on the sofa. People don't understand people like me. I start one project and my thoughts go to another project so I drop what I am doing to go take care of what just popped into my head and on and on it goes. Like a hamster in a hamster wheel. I am always going from one thing to another and eventually I complete nothing and create more clutter to pick up later. It is like being a hamster on a wheel sometimes. I just go around and around and get nowhere where house work is concerned.

I will say this though; I did come home and iron and put a couple things away today. Walked the dog a little further than usual and now wrote this silly little post. And I have to admit it felt pretty darn good to have accomplished something. I have set a goal. I know, here she goes again with goals. I am going to set a few minutes each evening after work to do one small chore. But not if it interferes with my after work walks with Maddie, my precious dog. I will see if I can accomplish the main goal of getting the house completely organized and picked up and then keeping it that way. Perhaps setting a schedule would work after all. but first, lets see how well this idea works. But! I am still not going to make the bed before I leave for work. I just refuse to do something I am going to have to undo later. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me but it is. Actually, it is what started this post. Listening to a women talk about how bad she felt because she didn't have time this morning to make the bed before she left for work and it was driving her crazy. I didn't get it. Who was going to tell on her? Who was going to even know if she hadn't said anything? I just didn't get the big deal. Others did; but then others like me thought, who cares? Get back to work.

So, now I have a few minutes left before it is time to go to bed. I could clean up a little more. NOT! I would rather go lie down and catch up on the this month's book club book.

Fifty Seven going on Seventeen

When does it stop. I always believed that mind would mature and age along with my body. That as my body "matured", so would my mind. Where did this silly notion come from? Instead I find my body aging and my mind slowly digressing backwards. Not maturing at all! OK, maybe not completely true.

Last night after my bath, I noticed something that made me want to scream, "who took my body!" There were all these little purple things on my legs, lines and wrinkles where firm skin used lay. Sore body aches where firm muscles used to be. And to top it all off, my hair is doing this weird thing lately. Instead of laying shiny and thick, it is frizzy and course. And there are these gray streaks mixed in with the brown that I swear I did not put there! But if I start pulling them out, which I considered, I would then be bald! I had my nails done a week ago in hopes of making my hands pretty. Then realized all  I have managed to do is draw attention to hands that are becoming arthritic and veins showing through the thin skin. I understand now when someone says, "He has old hands." I am just not sure how to wrap my head around all these changes my body is going through without my permission. And I certainly can't seem to get my thinking to mature so it is the same age as my body. My husband who is the least vain person I know, he is one of those people I want to throw a rock at, he is not self conscious about his body at all and will walk naked into the bedroom after a bath as if he were a handsome hunk of twenty. Of course being the loving supportive wife that I am, I say nothing and smile up at him and say "hey handsome". I wonder to myself, do I look as old to him as he to me, is he thinking the same thoughts and just being sweet when he whistles at me?  I find myself  more and more trying to get dressed before he see's me. How is that for being vain in a different manner?  It is not so difficult to understand why women spend so much money avoiding the inevitable; growing old which means looking old.

I think like a twelve year one day, a seventeen year old the next. (I have to admit I act like a twelve year at times as well). What does a fifty or sixty year old think like? Anyone know? Anyone care to share? Somehow I believed that when I reached this age I would no longer concern myself with things such as how my hair looks, or have I gotten fat?  I would just finally be able to relax and enjoy my life. I do have to admit this is happening in subtle ways which I will share later in this post, I am just whining right now.

Unless your spouse is ten or fifteen years younger than you, it is even harder to pretend your body is not getting older. When I see my husband aging physically, it is a wake up call that he too is seeing my body age as well. And this really makes me want to scream "I want my young body back! I would not bother myself about such vanity after forty, so I thought. I am just as vain now as I was in my younger years. However, there is some differences.

You would never catch me walking the dog in my pajamas, or running to the store without make up. Today, I throw on a coat and walk the dog. After all who is going to notice at 6am what I am wearing? And in the grocery store do the clerks or other customers give a hoot if I put on make up or not? The cool thing, only thing maybe, about being older is that people really aren't looking at you much anymore. Sadly they are focusing on the younger prettier, sexier ladies. The competition is gone. Unless of course you are in your senior years and still competing to look twenty. I am sorry to inform you that as we age, things that looked attractive in our twenties and thirties no longer appear attractive. Just silly. And when we try to dress like a twenty year old, you do attract attention. The attention though is not positive. Instead of admiring your long legs in a short skirt, they are laughing at that "old" lady trying to look cute. Yes, old. Remember when you were young, in your late teens early twenty's? People in their fifties and sixties were considered old. They may as well have been eighty to us. My husband and I notice it more and more. At work my husband is teased about being the "old guy" in the field. Young clerks call me mam, the polite ones anyway.

I am still immature in some of my attitudes. I sulk when I don't get my way. I have a temper tantrum when people don't treat me the way I think they should or don't drive fast enough. I continue to want what I want when I want it, no patience in this lady. So how does one grow-up?  Do you copy another's behavior that appears grown up? I tried that. Felt like a phony and didn't feel it inside. I wasn't finding out who I was as a grown-up, I was just pretending to be someone else. And that someone else wasn't always the best person to be I would find later.

So I did some investigating. I began questioning other women my age or older about their mental status. Did they feel their age? Most said they too thought like a kid. Still wanted things they enjoyed as teen agers. Others were comfortable in their own skin (wrinkled and all) and just accepted it as part of the circle of life. These were the ones I wanted to be like. I am tired of the Cathie who is always trying to be like that gorgeous fifty year old who never ages. Lets face it, the more make up some of us put on our faces, the older and sillier we look. I am at the place in life where "less is best."

What I am learning to do is think before I try to do something. I must ask myself, is this the twelve year old that wants to run around the block? Can the present fifty something do it without causing injury or pain? It is sad when I feel sore after hiking two miles when just last year I was hiking four to five up hill! unfortunately my body has more control over my life these days than my mind.

Yes, being in my fifties is beginning to show in many ways physically; and I have two choices. Continue to judge myself harshly which I have always done; or accept myself lovingly for the wonderful woman I am growing into. There are days when I feel like a grown up and am allowing her to develop her own interests and joys in this life. It takes practice, it takes being uncomfortable and at times making others uncomfortable who are not used to the new confident older woman I am growing into.
As I write this post I am made aware of the many changes that have occurred in the past year and many are good. Living life on life's terms can really be a good thing to practice. I believe I will continue to work on this.

Doctor/Patient relationship, is it gone for good?

Just back from cataract surgery. Another reminder I am no longer 30 years old. As I sat in the waiting room I noticed a lot of white haired older patients waiting for the same surgery. And in the pre-op room we were all lined up ready to get our turns.

The doctor came in, assumed I knew he was my doctor, I had only met him once a couple months back and did not recognize him. He simply came in and put a mark over my right eye so he would do the procedure on the correct eye. In the procedure room he simply came in and began his job of setting me up and began the procedure without a word. I had to ask if he was Dr. so and so. He never talked until it was over and simply said, "it's done, you did a great job." That was it. I will never see this surgeon again until it is time to have the left eye done. My post op will be with my regular eye dr. I left in awe of how quickly all this took. And a little disappointed that I didn't get a hand shake or simple, "Good luck now." He simply moved on to his next patient. I was forgotten as soon as he left me and went to the next patient.

This was simply another reminder of how insignificant we all are when it comes to the medical world. We are account numbers or patient's with no names. There is no personal connections between patient and doctors these days and I suspect as technology continues to advance it will become even less. As I get older I am not naïve enough to not know I will become less important to be treated than if I were a 20 year old. Everything will be chalked up to arthritis or some other older persons disease to treat and/or dismiss.

It is sad really. I miss having doctors who took just a few minutes to talk to you and make you feel you matter, to encourage you, yes even hold your hand a moment to say "you will be fine". But this is not to be I suppose. Doctors have so many patients now and need to keep patient ratio up in order to cover their costs because insurance companies are demanding more and more paperwork and charting before they will reimburse the doctor. Even good doctor's like my PCP, are loaded up with patients,  and although she gives me the time I need, she still has to hurry. And have you noticed, the doctor is on the computer with their backs to you inputting information as you state your symptoms and complaints?  Once again due to the demands of insurance company compliance. Yes, I miss the days when the doctor could sit and actually look at me, not the computer when I share my concerns or present situation. I felt I mattered and important enough to listen to. That my health was important to the doctor. Today,  I feel insignificant. As patients we are made to wait out turns even though we show up on time; then quickly dismissed so the doctor can move on to the next patient.

Insignificant. That word is coming up more and more in my life. Others in my age group or older share they have the same feeling about themselves in the world; that they are not considered important or significant in the events of life, church, group gatherings, work place. Our new world appears to be geared towards and run by the younger generation who do not want us older folks around. We aren't up to date or no longer "fit in" with the times. In their eyes, and perhaps in the eyes of the medical field, we are "in the way". Not worth the younger generations attention. This can be discouraging. Has it always been this way and I just didn't recognize it because I was the younger generation back then? As I sit here writing this out, I realize I have a choice. I can live out my life feeling and acting insignificant or out of touch with the growing times. Or I can continue trying to learn what I need to learn on the computer and media world. I can chose how I want to be seen and treated instead of accepting the false truth of the technological generation. And that is what I intend to do. I can be the victim or I can do whatever it takes to keep up and continue learning new things. Find things in this busy world to feel I still have something to contribute; I can find the things that bring joy into my life and do them. And if I need medical attention, I will simply speak up and will accept that this area of my life is also changing and I can fight it, complain about it or just accept it and move on.

There are doctors out there who care about their patients and I believe they are just as frustrated with the lack of time they can spend with each patient. I am sure they too, are saddened by the fact that time is so short and there is so much documentation to be done that some simply choose to stop practicing and move onto some other area where they feel they are doing something important. They too must be so frustrated with all the state requirements and Medicare requirements they have to adhere to that takes away from patient/doctor time due to the amount of paper work needed to be completed in order to get paid. So what is left but to get as many patients through the door as possible in order to make money. And we, the patient, who is paying so much out of pocket deductibles in order to get medical attention, are treated quickly and impersonally. I am positive, perhaps naïve too, to believe my doctor really does care about my well being and that it is the insurance companies and large corporations I need to vent my frustration towards. Although this doesn't explain away my surgeons coldness towards me, his patient. He seemed so nice in the office; of course I was his last patient of the day before he was leaving for his trip to New Zealand.

But, I am grateful to be one of the few who still has good insurance and the opportunity to have the cataract surgery done. It will be months of payments, but if it turns out well, it will be worth it. I will not take this gift for granted; I know there are millions of people out there who do not have this opportunity and are legally blind simply because they do not have insurance or money to have what they need to be treated medically. My heart goes out to these people.

Alone time is not just a desire, it is NEEDED!

Sunday morning and I don't know want to get out of bed. Its quiet in here by myself. You wait for the day your kids grow up so you can have some "alone time" There is just one catch to this, you forget that you are still living with someone. And, as long as you choose to live with someone you will seldom have quiet time to yourself. Even when he is sleeping my wonderful husband cannot help it, he makes noise by snoring Just the other day as he was napping after work, I found myself staring at this man and wondering, is this it? Is this the rest of my life? Never having time to myself  more than once a month for a few hours? Is my job the last job I will have the rest of my working life? This could stink big time. Its not exactly what I planned. OK, I never really sat down and planned how I wanted my life to be, or dreamed of how it would be. But if I had I am pretty sure it would not be like this. I did believe as a young girl at one time of growing up and becoming a writer or artist. But that quickly vanished as I got into my teens and took a path of which I am not proud of. Anyway, I really got to thinking about this situation. I have been learning of late that I am the only one who can change a situation I am not happy or comfortable in. Don't go jumping the gun people. I am not considering a divorce, not right at this moment anyway.

Sometimes I resent that I don't have more days to myself to do as I please without being interupted or listening to noise.Time to myself is something I need. Not just desire. And it really is for his own protection as well. Lets face it, happy wife, happy life. When its been a while since I had a day to myself you can sense the tension in the air. He can do nothing right. Every word that comes out of his mouth gets a sharp reply. Out of no where I start ranting at how selfish he is, how unfair it is that he gets so much time to himself when I work on a Sat. afternoon or go to socials.  All the things I let slide for months comes flying out of my mouth. It is like having an evil woman living inside me who gets lose  and takes over. No matter how I try to keep her bottled in, she escapes and there is no stopping her. Some say this is just part of menopause. I say menopause my ass. He needs to know these things so he can change and I can be happy! To which some lady who is not married, will say, "Now Cathie, you are being unfair, you knew this when you married him." I just spit in her face and walk away. (In my mind of course).  The simple fact is, I am a selfish woman who needs her own space and who does not always "play well with others." There is this woman in me who likes to have her own way when she wants it. Not when it is convenient for others who are involved in her life. After all, hasn't everyone learned that life is about me? Perhaps I need to send out another memo.

Maybe I wasn't meant to cohabitate with someone. Maybe I am suppose to be in a relationship where we each have our own place but get together for "special" visits and fun time when it suits both of us. Wouldn't that be the perfect arrangement? Oh come on now. Its not that I hate my husband or want to get rid of him. And I am pretty darn sure he has these thoughts at times as well. After all, by now if you have been reading my blogs you will certainly know I too, am not the easiest person to live with. He just happens to get more time to himself than I do so of course I get resentful. And rightfully so I would imagine.

So, how can I change my life in a way that I can be happy and content. Without having to put much effort or time into it. Remember, I am not a disciplined, "go get em" kind of person. Nor do I have the financial means to hire someone to do it all for me. So, I need to get creative. I mean lets be real here, I love this pain in the butt guy with all my heart, I just need to get him to change a few things so we can have the perfect relationship, you know the kind; where it all goes according to Cathie's plan. So what creative ideas can I come up with for this problem.

I could get up early on a Sunday afternoon and put a sedative under his tongue. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill the guy, just keep him asleep for a while so I won't be bothered while trying to write or watch a good movie. Of course first I would have to get it under his tongue and how do you do that when he is awake?  And will a sedative keep him from snoring? I think not. New idea.

Sometimes to get some Cathie time  I have to "go to my room". Why doesn't he come in here and I have the whole house to myself for a while? He says he will, but that would mean me telling him I want the house to myself, which would  then make me the bad guy for making him stay in the bedroom all day, which would make people fell sorry for him. No, it is better for me to be the martyr and him the spoiled child. 

So, here I am, looking around at this bedroom. And I get this idea. It has long counter with drawers and a little drawer on top. It is a vanity of sorts I believe. These were popular when this trailor was first built. Anyway, what if I take it over and give him the dresser. I could use it for my desk. It is far away enough from the living room to concentrate on what I am studying or writing, and it has plenty of room for my books, journal and another bookshelf. With a little creativity, I could have my own "Cathie's Space." And when I am ready to focus and not be disturbed, I can put a sign on the door, "Do not enter." We also have another room off the living room we are making into a craft room. I can sew and he can do his woodcarving crafts. But first we need doors to keep the cats out. Oh. Look, just as I am into this post he is now home from grocery shopping. Once again, impeccable timing. See, when we get the room rearranged, this won't matter because I will be left alone when he comes home from somewhere. Oh, well, I need to edit this anyway, so I will stop here and go buy myself a purse. That will make up for this horrible thing being done to my privacy invasion.

So, its been a while since writing this blog. I have rearranged the bedroom so I have "Cathie's Space" AND! I have a new work schedule where I can take a whole day off once a month and work all day Saturday, instead just four hours off a month work fours in the middle of the day Saturday. (We are required to work one Sat. a month). I am getting creative and all involved are benefitting. Maybe thinking things out can be a good thing. I learn to be a little less selfish, others get more of my good side. We shall see. I do need to get a higher seated chair for my new desk however.

Its funny how such a small thing can bring me more incentive to write and take myself a little more serious as a writer. I have gone through my journals and continue to jot things down on paper due to my strong love of pen to paper.

Move over old me;There's a new me coming to town.

It is time to get bold! To put the fearful, insecure, somewhat wimpy Cathie aside and let the bold new Cathie come out! But I am nervous. What if I don't like her? What if she turns out to be confident, successful and actually happy? I won't know what to do with her. She will drive me crazy. She will no doubt rub it in my face that I could have had her living through me for many years now if I had just listened to her. Oh yes, I know who this side of me is. She pops her face out at me in the mornings while I am getting my make up on, (or plucking another damn hair off my chin). I see the glitter in my eyes and think, "Cathie, there is another side to you and you have got to let her out  before it is too late." But I am afraid. What if she wants more than I can give her? What if she wants new friends, you know, the kind that like to have fun and grow and laugh? Not sure where I would find them for her.

Or suppose she decides she doesn't like the clothes I've been wearing? Its not like I can just run out and buy her a new wardrobe. I don't know. Perhaps its been the right thing to do; keeping the real me shoved down deep so I don't have to worry about all these things. Yet, it could prove to be fun and exhilarating to see what might happen. Of course my husband may have to adjust to having a new wife living under the same roof. Oh my goodness, what if he doesn't like her? No, better stop here while I still know what to expect, even if it is getting drab and somewhat boring. On the other hand, if I continue to be bored with myself, if I continue to wake up each morning thinking, is this how my life is going to end? Boring and nothing really to brag about? Is the job I am going to go each morning going to my last job before retirement? Oh that is depressing. Out of all the jobs I have done, to retire as a data entry clerk would not be my job of choice. My hands

Ok, so what's it going to be. Am I going to stick my neck out like a giraffe and keep taking risks or am I going to stop here and feel sorry and angry for myself? I want to add excitement and fun, but then I am afraid I will find out I don't have friends in my life who would be on board with the new Cathie. I guess I could dump these friends and create new relationships. Fun ones. Its time I decide who is going to be in our lives, not let others decide they will be in our lives. There's a new idea. Who would believe that at 56 years of age I am just getting this down. I get to choose who will or will not be in my life. That can mean more risks. Changing and becoming the person you really want to be isn't easy. But I can't help but believe that it must be worth it or I wouldn't be hearing about all these women who are trying new things for the first time in their lives, and they have never been more confident or happy in their lives. I want to be one of those women dammit! No more "I can't because" from now on I am going to practice saying," I want to therefore I will. Of course this would mean getting off the couch and actually doing something. It will mean more energy and time away from the t.v. or book. We are talking about a woman who has gotten lazy since her illness a year ago! Where to start.

The decision has been made. From this moment on I am going to be the new and improved Cathie. I will make a list. I love lists, don't you? They give you a sense of accomplishment when you can check something off. Anyway, I will write out a list things I will have to do in order to accomplish and become the woman I can respect, admire and actually like hanging out with. I will use my sense of humor to get through the failures and humiliations that are sure to come as I move forward. I am not naïve enough to think that just because I have decided to go for it, means it will just happen! It is going to take all the discipline, perseverance and hard work, all the things I have never been good at to accomplish this huge goal. But the alternative is no longer an option. Continuing to be the same person I have always been, just isn't an option any comfortable any longer. I am tired of the same old me day after day. I don't want this person living inside me to be the person who dies inside me. I want to wake her up and shake her up!

 I may even have to bring my husband along this path if we are going to live together, I guess he will have to be a part of the journey. He won't have to like it, but it is what it is. Come along or move along baby! Oh, I just made my first new cliché! I like it.

I had to do some soul searching and letting go of old ideas, dreams before getting to this point. Thoughts and feelings I didn't realize I had until one day at work I realized I was feeling very angry and jealous over others relationships with family or co-workers. It suddenly dawned on me that I have nothing to share regarding travel or other fun things to do with family. This has made it difficult for me to fit in at certain places or in different group settings. It was a hard realization to face and hurt terribly. I felt angry at missed opportunities, some of my own decisions, some from situations beyond my control. So I allowed myself a time of mourning what would never be. I accepted the things and people I could not change and I allowed myself a few moments of tears. And yes, I even talked to God about these painful truths and was given a sense of peace. A sense that now I could truly let go of what is not to be, nor ever was and move on to what can. I can now begin to live a life of truth. My truth. I am not 100% sure what that is, I think it will change periodically, as I grow and learn more about who I am, who I choose to surround myself with and what I want to do. 

There will always be more awareness's, more enlightenments, that is how we grow. When we are finally ready to face the truths about ourselves, and this includes the good as well as bad; then we change. Then we can say, move over old me; the new me has arrived and she is bolder than ever! Sounds good anyway. Lets see if it really works. Each day I will experiment with something and ask myself, am I really enjoying this or am I doing it to impress others or to be able to say, look, I did something, doesn't that say something good about who I am? I don't want to compete with others anymore, it is exhausting. I don't want to compare my insides with others outsides anymore, it isn't always what it seems. I just want to be who I am; a 56 year old woman learning the truth about who she is and what life has to offer her.

Finding Truth Through Writing

If someone had said, "Cathie, one day you will be sitting down at your computer writing what your own truth is." I would have laughed in their faces. And yet that is exactly what I have been hearing for some time now. From friends who have read some of my personal thoughts and beliefs. But I lacked the courage up until a few months ago. I still get nervous about peoples opinions or thoughts about what I write, but as a writer you have accept the criticism along with the positive feedback.

So here I am, a few years after taking a writer's correspondence course writing a blog. I had taken the course because I really thought I wanted to be a writer. Now I realize that I had been seeing myself and purpose for being on this earth through my writing. I had been writing and journaling since a young girl. It was used to get out my fears and pain as well as for fun. Somehow I thought if I could be something, a writer perhaps, then I would know who I was and why I was put on this earth. I believed that somehow I would "find myself" if I just wrote enough. And maybe in some strange way I have. But I suspect there is more to learn and this means more to write. More to risk.

Writing for the public is much different than writing for personal reasons. There is a big difference between writing for money and writing because I get the urge to put thoughts down on paper. I think some people were just meant to have disciplined lives and others were born to, well, to not! I am one of the "not's". I want everything to come easy. Someone once said, "I want to be rich, not get rich." And I ma the same way. I want to be something, someone, but don't want to work at getting there. Or maybe I just have my priorities mixed up. What would happen for instance, if I quit bring work home to do and instead spent more time writing? Or quit watching so much garbage on television because I'm too lazy to do anything else. Yes, it is time to focus on what I truly enjoy and give it more discipline and time.

To become a professional writer takes ore than just wanting to be; it takes dedication, time, (lots of time), energy and discipline.  Perhaps if I keep repeating this I will finally get it! I am just not sure I have all it takes. Or maybe I don't have the passion to be a writer as I thought I did. So, does this mean I have thrown all that money out the window, and wasted my instructor's time  years back? I hope not. I hope that all I have come to learn about writing and about myself will one day be used to some purpose. Maybe one day I will realize there is nothing to be afraid of in writing down truth and experience.

Or maybe, just maybe, I will realize I have been attempting (on the side) to write non-fiction whn what I ought to be concentrating on is writing non-fiction in a fiction manner! Oh dear, hre it comes again, I can feel myself wanting to end this piece so I can start on another story idea. But this time I write what I believe think or believe in, as I have begun to do in this blog. I continue to push aside the fears and self-doubts and trust my Creator to tell me what to write.

I found old assignments from that course years ago and can see many good pieces for this blog. I also looked back through some of my journals and will be sharing those thoughts and truths as well. Some day perhaps I will reach those who understand and know what it is like to be myself. To be yourself.

There, I have written something. I have to keep my promise to not allow too much time to go by without a post. To practice discipline and courage. Now to my day job!

Insane Ideas for Fearful Thoughts

 I am tired of the inability to do anything about the craziness in our world. Tired of the political leaders deciding my fate where financial and medical means is concerned. Why should the wealthy be the only ones who have security or power in this world?  It is tiring to wonder each day, will we have our jobs? Will we lose our health insurance this week? It takes up too much energy. Yet these fears continue to creep up on a regular basis. So I have two choices: Continue to live in fear or do something.  Even if doing something is as simple as just accepting what I cannot change and live in today. But! What if I were to just imagine some insane choices I could make? Just silly ideas. What would I come up?

Lets see. Realistically I do not have the courage (nor youth) to march into some Senators office and hold him at gun point like I see in the movies.  Nor do I have the strength to hold the darn machine gun up on my shoulders. I can see it now, little me weighed down by a heavy duty gun on YouTube with the caption, "Lady overtaken by machine gun" And there I would be, looking like a fool while the very person I intended to set straight is laughing behind his desk. No, violence is not my thing. Not an answer I would even consider. Ok, yes, I do think about these things, but who doesn't? But I am mature and smart enough to know I would fail miserably at it. I don't even know how to put a simple rifle together, how do I think I am going to handle some of these heavy duty weapons people have these days. I can't even use them on a play station game! Scratch this idiotic thinking thought.

Ok, so what is another choice. I could give up my job, talk my husband into doing the same thing (good luck with this one) and just find a quiet place in the mountains to live, no one to answer to, no boss  telling me what to do, no more bills to worry about. (they would have to find me). Free from all the control people in higher places have over me. Of course it would also mean freezing in the winter, starving because I don't have experience or heart to kill animals. Besides there is a greater chance of me feeding the mountain lion or bear than a deer or squirrel feeding me. I would become the animals food source within a week, if that long! And I don't even know how to skin a squirrel! I tried to learn watching Phil on Duck Dynasty but he went too fast. Ok, so living off the land won't work.

I could live with the homeless. They don't worry about bills or going to jobs they hate. Where their next meal will come from. (OK, maybe their food source isn't so healthy or appetizing but it is food).  But am I really willing to sit on some street corner or under a bridge freezing to death, or eat out of a garbage dumpster (I am too proud to stand on a street corner and beg, someone I know might see me). And I am certainly not brave enough to sleep in an alley or under a bridge at night!

What about this. I could commit a crime and go to jail. There you have it. A bed and three meals already taken care of. And I think if I got sick they have a medical ward. But then I wouldn't have my hobbies, don't  think they would allow me to have my knitting needles or scissors. No matter how much I love reading, I doubt it is something I would want to do forever. And besides, at my age and with my arthritis, how the heck would I protect myself from some broad who weighs 300lbs and is 6 feet tall wanting to make me her "bitch"?

Oh lets face it. I can talk big, but in reality I am just a middle aged citizen who will continue to work everyday and struggle pay check to pay check as long as we have one coming in. I will continue to work my butt off so I can watch social security and Medicare disappear.  The people on Capital Hill will always have power over us little people until a generation comes along who are younger and stronger that will say "Enough!" and decide the government needs a little over-hauling. I hope the younger generation will find us older generation worthy of being taken care of and protected. Wouldn't that be nice? Oh dear, there I go again, dreaming.

Time to face the facts. Until I am willing to be a little uncomfortable and put in some extra hard work to do things that are really what I want, I need to accept my life as it is. For today it is pretty ok. I may not have all the fancy gadgets and things others have, but I do have more than I need as well as things I enjoy and for that I am grateful.

So I think I will stay in my own little world and enjoy what is good in my life today. Let tomorrow stay where it is; the future. For today I will do what needs to be done, and do what brings me joy. I will try to not to  worry about what might happen and concentrate on what is happening. I mean really, what would these things matter if mother nature decided she needed to clean up this part of the country like she has other parts? It wouldn't matter at all. I better stop writing for now and go enjoy some of the things I can while their is still time left on this one snowy, lay on the couch and read day off, At least today I can still say, "I have to get clothes ready for work tomorrow."