Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides

Well I am back. Never really went anywhere, not in my head anyway. But been struggling with trying not to compare myself with others these past months. It is truly disheartening to see young women filled with such self confidence and intelligence with technology, not to mention careers and what they want from life. Each year I go through this process as my birthday comes closer. I look back and realize I am the same person I was last year. Same job, same husband, (I guess that parts good), same home, same insecurities blah blah blah. And it makes me wonder. What am I doing so wrong?

However, this year I can look back and see how I have grown, and how I have begun to change into the woman I hope to become. Instead of looking at women I wish I were like, I have started acting like it! What a concept huh? Also, I look at my job that is going no where and began using it as a practice job for the position I will be in one day. (Did you notice the positive affirmation I just did?). For instance I find myself minding my own business more and staying out of gossip, or keeping from starting it. I firmly but respectfully stand up to those who feel they are superior. And most important I have surrounded myself with women who encourage and love me just as I am, and are also there to encourage where I could change for better. It doesn't matter how old you are, inside we are all those insecure little boys and girls at times. We just see others outsides and assume it is their insides as well.

I had read other blogs and looked at them and suddenly felt so insecure and inferior. They were all so professional and set up so nicely! Pictures even! I don't' have the luxury of a teen or fellow blogger to help me work out the kinks nearby. But a woman told me and a friend what a great writer I was and how I needed to get back at it. So here I am, insecure and fearful. But I am here. My goal last year if I remember right, was not allowing fear to rule my life any longer. And of course as soon as I realized people were reading my blog and although they loved it, it filled me with fear of continuing to write what they would like or not like. I need to remind myself I am writing for myself and because I love it. Actually I love writing and rewriting. The editing is so much fun.

My husband is talking about retiring in a few years. If you don't think that sent chills up my spine! When did he have the right to get so old? And why is he aging and getting grumpier so much faster than I am? Then reality sinks in and I realize, I am aging right alongside him. Everyday as I do my data entry position I notice how old my hands are looking. When I am crocheting or knitting, I again notice the stiffness that wasn't there a week ago. My hair is changing color faster and it isn't coming out of a bottle! I just keep seeing all these new changes happening to my body at an alarming rate of speed and my immature young mentality is not catching up! And yes, there are days when I am terrified.

My husband left for a week long trip yesterday and for a week prior I was having anxiety attacks. All the old "what ifs" came storming into my head. What if he doesn't make it back? What if he has a stroke or heart attack so far from home? What if, what if. What if I just shut my thoughts off and move on!! First I can't wait to get rid of the grump for a few days, then I am worrying about losing him. Wish my mind could make itself up already. I do love the guy, but lets face it, I don't always like him. Some days I want to just smack him a long side his head and scream "Shape up already!".

So today I enjoyed my regular Saturday brunch lunch with a woman I met and it was so much fun. In the back of my mind though, I caught myself thinking how strange that I didn't have to think about my spouse and what he was doing while I was sitting here eating with a friend. Of course that means I was still thinking about him! I just can't win. Lets face it, if my thoughts are focused on him and what he is doing, I don't have to look at what I am doing. That is a great way to avoid looking at what needs to be changed in me. but it is also a way to miss out on the joy of the moment. That isn't something I want to continue doing any longer. I am ready to face the truth of life and change what I can and find a way to live with what I can't. Thank goodness I have a Power greater than myself that guides me and fills me with peace and encouragement whenever I think of her or go to her for comfort.

Writing is so therapeutic. I can never understand why some find it so difficult. It is fun, hard work, but the joy is finding out that the more transparent I become, the less alone I feel in these life situations. My journaling is never meant to hurt anyone and this has stopped me from always being completely open about what is going on or speaking up when the moment is right. but how can this be helpful to you, the reader and to myself? My philosophy of late has been, "No more hiding who I am." No more secrets. Yes, this can and will set me up to be ridiculed and judged. Maybe I will lose a few friends or family member relationships. I hope it wouldn't, but that's not realistic. As a writer of truth we have to be willing to risk losing a few relationships when we share intimate things about ourselves.

This is the next best thing to being "Dear Abby" as I can think of . I always thought it would be so much fun to have people ask me for advise and give it like she did. So instead, I will end this year of my life writing more stories about myself, my life before and now, daily events that are funny or frustrating, and hope to hear others are reading these events and feelings and identifying with me. More importantly, they will gain hope and encouragement that they are not alone or crazy in their thoughts. Or maybe we are and its that is ok too, just so long as we are not harming ourselves or others in the process. I am sadly guilty of both. But am so grateful I can say that in past tense. Not that I don't continue to hurt others unknowingly. but there was a time I did it intentionally out of anger or ego.

Well, this is a short and very simple post, but I knew if I didn't put something on here I may never get back at it. So back to the disciplining. Writing every day, and even if I don't hit the "post" button the first writing, at least I will have written something that day. Life is changing quickly for me emotionally, physically and spiritually. The best time to write don't you think?

Is believing in one true god bring peace to our world?

I am slowly coming into my own and it is frightening and exciting at the same time. As I begin living by my own truth it is setting off uncomfortable situations. People don't know what is going on. And when I stand up for myself and say "no" when I mean no, I feel shaky inside and afraid of the confrontation that may come of it. I am not used to being true to myself. How can I when I have only just begun to get to know myself? What I like, what type of things I find interesting or want to learn about. My spiritual truth continues to grow stronger and more difficult to ignore or push down as well.

God is a name that I, like most people, learned to call the Creator of the world. For years I have tried to believe in the God of the bible. Went to church, forced myself to be around people I did not fit in with but because I had gotten close to and loved, continued to try and force myself to believe in their God. But since I have let go of that agony and rid myself of heaven and hell. I have been freed up to live my life according to what my own truth or truths are. As I grow  confident in my own opinions and self, my spiritual beliefs continue to change and expand. I respect my friends and all people's beliefs for themselves and wish it could be reciprocated by Christian friends, but it doesn't seem to work out that way. I respect them for standing up for their beliefs but do not see a loving and accepting God in their judgment of those of us who do not believe as they do. I do not see the true teachings of Jesus in their daily walk or treatment of others. This is not true of all Christians, but many that I have come in contact with. But this is true of all walks of faiths isn't it? We are all responsible to live as close to our beliefs as humanly possible.

I am accepted if I believe in the Christian God. But not accepted if I believe in pagan Gods or other spiritual paths. I am expected to believe in God, but not a God of my choice. Why not?  Because I did not trust my God when she/he approached me I have allowed others to tell me what truth is. This is the same in other areas of my life. Allowing others to define who I am or am not. So many doubts. So much fear caused by people pleasing. But as I have said in previous blogs, people pleasing has to stop and that means stop in ALL areas of my life. I am happy to share that this is happening, slowly but happening just the same.

I feel free now to be who I am.  I am studying and reading about paganism. I want to learn everything I can. Just as I want to study Buddhism and Hinduism and other walks of faith. There are so many spiritual paths in our world. And yet some would say I was going to hell for believing and practicing my own religion. But the Creator of the universe is bringing women into my life who encourage me to be true to myself, even those who do not share the same beliefs. I have also been blessed to have people of the same faith beginning to come into my life. 

If all people were allowed to follow and have their own Gods and religions and we all accepted one another for who we are and not what we believe just think how peaceful and loving our world would be. But again that is none of my business. I have no control over what others think, only what I think.

I am finally being brought to sanity. I am being given the courage to live life as I feel inspired. I know the woman I want to become and my God is helping me to become her. I know I will have many new friends on this journey. It is cool to be eclectic; I can take what makes sense to me from all types of spiritual paths and leave the rest without fear or guilt.

Yes, old ideas and brain washing come back time to time, however now I have tools to push them away and move forward in my personal journey. I may not believe in "One true God", but I do believe there is a power greater than myself that brought this universe to being. And I love what my husband says; God comes to each of us in a way it knows we can come to it. Or him if you prefer. There is an energy that is a part of us all and when we are open to it and willing to tap into it, we become a part of it. We are a part of it. When I think of death I see my spirit, the energy within, returning to the universal power, free and joyful. This brings me inner peace.

Each morning I ask for courage and strength from my higher power to face whatever comes that day. Whether it is something out of my control or a consequence for yesterdays actions. At night I thank him for all the blessings I have in my life. This too brings me peace and a sense of well being. It is creating a personal relationship with the spirit within. It is bringing me closer to who I am and who I want to become. A spiritual being. A woman of love and peace. My own woman of faith.

A Vision that Came to me of an Angel or Goddess

It is snowing and the roads are slick. I am blessed to have a boss and supervisor who understand the terror I have of driving in these conditions and tell me to stay home. So I have an opportunity to write on my blog, something way over due. So much for being disciplined.

Yesterday I had the most wonderful vision. A beautiful woman in a black and white silhouette with a jet black raven sitting on her shoulder. Right away I felt she was looking into my inner being and I felt safe and protected. I knew without a doubt I had found my God. Or better yet, Goddess. The spirit in a form I can see and feel her love. Something tangible that I can relate to. Yet not one many of my friends would understand or agree to. Some would even be concerned I was returning to the "dark side". I understand their concern having been in the Christian community for sometime in the past. But the peace I felt, the love I saw on this angelic like face only sent positive energy within me.

Why are there so many religions out there fighting with one another instead of embracing each others love for their God? Is it not possible that God, who ever he/she/it may be, comes to each of us in a manner that helps us to trust and lean on for strength and hope? God is energy, a Creator of all living things I believe and therefore lives within each of us. If I can learn to relax, quiet my mind and separate my thoughts from worldly clamor, I believe I would hear her message and I would once again have the trust and guidance to write spiritual essays and poems once again. For too long now I have allowed the religious community control what I believe and cause doubts within me as to who my Higher Power, as some I know call it,  "God really is". And I have lost the peace that once resided within.

I wish I could draw. I see her so plainly and would love to draw what I saw. I will try just the same. Who knows, I may find there is a talent in me I never knew I had. It is time to experiment with different crafts.

Being surrounded with encouraging, loving, self confident women lately who believe in me and encourage me to try things has truly begun changing how I see myself and to treat myself with respect. And now with this image of my guardian angel,  I will call her, I have more confidence that strength will continue to grow, for now I have someone I can turn to for help. Someone personal to me. As a matter of fact she has already begun filling me with strength and self respect. Let me explain.

Just last week something happened that caused me to be very uncomfortable and I found myself in turmoil. I met with a pain specialist. I liked the dr. but did not feel confident with his office staff. They had not even told him they had the flu shots in! That should have been my first clue as to who was running that office. Then during the week I called a few times regarding the medication he was going to prescribe and never received a call back. Nor did the pharmacy. All weekend I fretted over what to do. I wasn't comfortable with the office staff nor had confidence they cared about my well being. Did I have the courage or the  right to call and tell them I was going elsewhere? Was I being too picky? The whole weekend I stressed out about it. The lack of self worth was overtaking the new found confidence I was gaining. Finally, Sunday I made the decision I was going to do what I felt was best for me and I called and canceled with that office. I called my own PCP and will get a new referral. As soon as I did all that I was calm and all the anxiety I was struggling with last week and over the weekend subsided.  I felt so proud for taking care of my needs. It is new to put my needs ahead of others opinions and my people pleasing. But boy did it feel good. After all, if we don't take responsibility for ourselves we have no one else who will. We can only blame ourselves for allowing ourselves to be victims of the world around us. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? Some of you may be reading this thinking, "well dah!". But if you grew up in the  home I did, you were not taught self love or respect. You were taught self loathing and shame. Unworthy of others respect. I am grateful my spirit angel  has brought me to a place where there are women who have been there and understand what I feel and need to grow into the being I was created to be. To have the choice to live in this new found freedom of creativity and love.

The world is full of hate and violence. I have obsessed all my life over the horrible things I read and hear about that is going on around the world. Yet there is nothing I can do. I have no control over the actions of others. Now that I am finally accepting this a little at a time I am learning to live in my own little world and change what is possible for me to change. Isn't it cool that as we grow spiritually so can our spiritual beliefs? Today my God can be a beautiful spirit women, tomorrow the Christ, another day Buddha. But the main thing is that I have a God I can lean on and to remember I am not alone. I need help to live in this world. God works through people, books, visions and so many other ways to reach out to us; we only need to be willing to believe and accept it when it comes.

I have a writer's workshop coming up that I have been asked to be a part of. To share about blogging and journaling. I do not have experience with blogging as many who read probably have noticed. I do not stay on one topic. Sharing thoughts and experiences isn't what one thinks of as a blog. I need a particular topic. It is becoming one of spiritual growth I think. I was considering writing letters to God in my journals. Just to see if it changes anything. I will let you know.

Well, once again I not sure this post made any sense or was worth reading. But again I wanted to get something written, even if for just the discipline of keeping on with this blog. I hope one day to meet someone who can guide me on blogging and mentor me in my writing. I want to write spiritual insights that come to me as well as humorous experiences like arguments with my spouse over ridiculous things.

Well, I will try to not let the guilt of knowing others made it to work in spite of their fear of driving in this weather and I didn't. I will take my bosses words to stay home to heart and if they wanted me to go in then they would have said so. 

Guess I will make a fresh cup of coffee and edit this post before publishing it. I love editing.

What if I am wrong?

Sometimes we have to stand up for what is true to ourselves. This past week I found it can cause ill feelings on my part when I do. I am new at disagreeing with strong personalities. My self doubts come flying into the front of my brain like a bunch of little gnats. And a few days later I am still feeling like that little girl who did something wrong and everyone is going to turn against her. That her friends will go away. This isn't easy to share but it is true and must be. I had a strong disagreement earlier in the week and it has brought about strong insecurities and even anger in me. I am feeling like that little girl who was picked on and felt ugly and stupid. Thankfully it is not as strong since I called a friend and talked it out. But it did get me thinking, when am I going to grow up?

When does maturity really begin and what is it? How do we determine when someone is acting like a mature adult or when they are being silly and immature? Can I disagree with what someone believes and not pout or feel negative about myself? I suppose it just takes time and sticking close to friends who are changing and growing themselves. Friends who will let me know I am over reacting or not a bad person for standing up for what I need. Its just that those strong personality types are so darn intimidating to me. I want everyone to like me and not feel negative about me because I disagreed with them or don't want to do what they think I should. That is so unrealistic and immature. I don't like everyone I meet or know and that's OK. But it is not OK for you to dislike me. This I understand and see very clearly is the immature side of me. I am so happy I have people in my life today who love me in spite of my childish behavior at times. It is called unconditional love. Something I am not used to.

I thought being a "grown up" just happened as you got older. I didn't know you had to work at it. I thought that by now I would be a mature individual who no longer acted childish or felt like a child. Someone who no longer cared what other people thought of her. I envy those who say they really don't care what other people think. As a matter of fact I have heard some say, "its none of my business what others think about me." That makes no sense to me at all. Of course its my business, its me they are thinking badly of! Or are they? My ego is so big sometimes. I think everyone is looking at me and thinking these things. Hell, I can be walking my dog and sense people looking out their windows thinking, "poor thing, doesn't have any friends to walk with her." OK, that's an exaggeration, I used to believe that, but not so much now. Maybe I am growing some.

What does it take to grow up? I am running out of time. I want to feel secure, confident and know who my God is and I want it yesterday! When I am at work I want to feel confident about who I am and not allow co-workers define who I am by  their negative actions or words. But it has to come from within myself first. Positive confidence is something I must gain myself. It cannot come from others. A personal God has to be from within, I cannot take someone else's.  But how do you get it?

Each day I am meditating on a daily reading. I take something that means something to me, write it in my planner for that day and look at it throughout that day. I started a couple weeks ago and it is helping  little by little. I also try to have time each day where I sit and quiet myself as much as possible and see if God speaks to me. I try to accept it when I do not get a thought or answer. It will come later through a reading, something someone says or perhaps even from just walking and suddenly having a thought pop into my head. You just never know how God will speak or come to you. My difficulty is trusting in my God. Trusting that what I believe or come to believe is OK. That I will not go to hell because I do not believe as others do. Or that because I do not share your belief I must be wrong. Why do I always assume I am wrong and everyone else is right? Where does that come from I wonder.

Having my my own opinion or idea and then sharing or acting on it is not something that comes easily to me. I feel confident and happy while I am doing sharing a thought or opinion, however, when alone later on, all the doubts and insecurities come flooding in and I critique everything I said and think about all the things I should have said or not said. Lately I have slowly begun to trust my new friends when they say, Cathie you are OK. What you shared was great. You are smart and creative. These are things I must start believing and living by. And I am trying. I am little by little going outside my comfort zone and forcing myself to do things I am self-conscious about or afraid. Like this week. I put a gym bag together with shorts, socks, t-shirt and yes, a bathing suit. I am going to throw it into the car and have it handy for that day after work when I get the courage to go the rec center to exercise or get into the pool. I love to be in the water. I love to swim. There is an opportunity to do these things I love, it is my lack of confidence and fear of what others at the pool will think that stops me. That little girl everyone laughed in elementary school and even at home,  comes forward and suddenly I am feeling embarrassed and self-conscious about my body. Especially now that it is wrinkled and has these new funny looking pumps and lines. And of course we can't forget the sagging skin between the boobs now can we? I can't believe I am now one of the "seniors" at the pool. Someone who that young person at the desk looks at and thinks, "Lady, you belong in the senior center." See, there I go again, believing I know what that person is thinking. Ego, all about me. When in reality they are probably thinking about themselves and own problems and could care less about what I am doing, they just want the money and for me to go away.

Well, this post probably isn't one of my best, but I was feeling kind of alone and sad after this disagreement I had earlier in the week and thought, why don't I blog. It always makes me feel better. I wish I could find a writers group to help me do a better job with this blog, but that will come soon enough I am sure.

So for those of you who have managed to read this far, thanks. I hope it made a little bit of sense to you. I know it helped me get it out. Later I will join my group of friends and know I will come home feeling positive and happy again. And when I go back to work in the morning, hopefully I will continue to practice minding my own business and focusing on the little phrase I find to help my thinking for that day. Maybe I will even call a friend during lunch! My goodness, how did I get along without these friends all this time? Trusting can be very difficult for me; but it is worth the doubts and risks of sharing how I feel, so I can experience the love and acceptance I am receiving in spite of myself. Life is good when you think about all the things you can do instead of the things you can no longer do. So, my goal this week will be to go to the rec center and just do something, even if it is walking around the track for a while. Just take that first baby step and walk through those doors. Believe me, if I do you will be reading about it!

Cancer be Dammed, I want Hormones!

Ok, I surrender. I have had enough of being "natural" and letting menopause run its course. Enough is enough. Its course is about to hurt someone or send me to jail! And its not just for me. I am doing this for those I live with and work with as well. They too have suffered. How many husbands have made an innocent comment only to have their wife suddenly hit them with the closest available item? Then five minutes later listen to that same woman cry over not knowing what is wrong with her? Then being the sweet understanding, (and rather naive) husband, you put your arms around her to comfort her and again say the wrong words, only to be lashed out at again. Thus begins the vicious emotional roller coaster of hormone insanity. Not to mention the constant hot flashes. I just love it when  co-workers ask, "Cathie why is your face so red, are you having a hot flash?" No you silly woman, I am turning beat red with sweat poring down my face because I am working so hard at this paperwork! First of all why would anyone ask such a personal question and second of all why would they risk their lives?  Don't they realize those of us in menopause are lethal human beings? That at any given moment we can explode and unleash venomous rages at them?

I did not know, nor was it explained to me just how bad going through menopause would be,  And its not just the physical discomfort, the tiredness and inability to concentrate. But the emotional up and downs as well. My poor husband never knows from one moment to the next what will set me off into a rage. I have been ready to pack up my things I don't know how many times because he is so irritating or pisses me off so badly. I just want to get away from this man who doesn't know when keep his mouth shut. I just think I will pack up and move in with a friend who isn't so irritating. But as I am packing (in my mind) I begin to calm down and realize and ask myself, how long will it be before this friend also begins to say or do stupid things that will cause me to blow up? So I will not only lose a good man but all my friends one by one as well.

Its just not safe to be around menopausal women. And I can tell you right now, if you are one of those women who "didn't have any trouble at all going through menopause", you had better be smart and not tell that to the rest of us. We will take you by the hair on your heads and drag you down the street tarred and feathered! It is not smart nor nice to rub that in our faces as we sit there with our fans sweating to death. I wonder how many women are sitting in jail simply because they refused to take hormone replacement therapy. Oh my goodness, I just thought of something. Can you imagine being a guard watching over a group of women in the "yard" who happen to be menopausal but unable to get hormone therapy? That is just trouble waiting to happen! Watching over menopause and PMS ladies, yeah, that's where I want to work. NOT

So, a few weeks ago I swallowed my pride and saw my doctor and agreed to try the hormone replacement therapy. Its only been a couple weeks but finally three days ago I realized the hot flashes were nearly non-existent, my husband was back to being his nice cute self again and the people at work were finally tolerable to work around. Funny how taking hormones can change other people as well isn't it?
And another great thing is I am once again sleeping through the night, and my energy level is back up. So I am no longer spending time lying on the couch or stressing over things I have no control over. OK, maybe a little. But I'm not raging and throwing things so that's a start. I wonder how much road rage would decrease if more women took hormones. Just a thought.

I still don't understand the women who say these were the best years of their lives, maybe it will take a few more months to get to that point. All I can say at this moment is I am so happy I listened to a few friends who kept telling me to go on hormones and quit listening to the Nay-Sayers about cancer risks. Cancer risks are all around us people.

Hey, maybe one day I will wake up and find out I no longer have a mustache or little hairs popping up all over my face!! Don't you hate that? You go to the bathroom at work and when you look in the mirror you notice a hair that is a foot long just hanging off your chin or side of your face and your husband, if you have one, hasn't said anything? I want to shoot him as soon as I get home. And he says something ridiculous like, "I didn't notice it!" How the hell do you not see a foot long hair on the side of someone's face? I have learned the most important thing in my purse is a pair of tweezers. I carry them everywhere I go. You just don't know when or where you will be when that hair suddenly shows itself!

Women are so blessed. We get to experience life through PMS, child birth, Menopause and then dementia. But at least we have good times if lucky enough, in between. And lets be honest, it isn't easy for our husbands or boyfriends either, after all, they have to live in constant fear of what and when is something going to set us off.

Yes, I am happy to be on these hormones. I only wish I hadn't waited so long. But oh well. Can't look backwards. Just need to move forward and start looking for new interests and joys for this period in my life.

Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Three Life changing words.

More and more I learn new things about myself and about my life. It is as if I became willing one day to look at myself and that willingness snowballed into this whole new world for me. And it keeps rolling and collecting data about who I am, things I do unconsciously and things I would like to try even if I am afraid. It is also over-whelming at times as well and at these times I take a break and work on something fun, or I call a friend. Other times my Creator will put someone in front of me that helps me hear something useful. This is exactly what happened a week ago. I heard a gentleman talking about something called "the three A's".  My ears were pricked with interest. What could these three words possibly mean?  I didn't get a lot of information from what was said, but I did hear enough to get me thinking. During the coming week I was astounded at what an impact these three simple words had on me.

When I become aware of something, I have an opportunity to change it or learn from it. Or I simply just become aware of it and say, "Hmm, so that is why that happened." The problem is that I have become more and more aware of things I do not find acceptable in my life and I don't have the courage to change some of them. Sometimes I don't know why I suddenly go from being in a great mood to being extremely agitated or angry. Or so I told myself. Deep down I knew what was going on, where these emotions were coming from. I just didn't want to admit it. To admit it means change. And that is not always a good thing. I don't want to admit I am unhappy or that I want something new in my life. What would that mean? But the truth is, I do want new things in my life. I am not getting any younger and and lets face it, not getting any more attractive either. But seriously, is it wrong for a woman my age to still desire to be pursued? To be cherished and the most important person in someone's life? What would that feel like? This is an awareness that came up a while back. An awareness I was too afraid to look at, to admit to. I didn't know what it would mean.

Yes, I hear those of you who know me saying, "but you have a wonderful husband". Yes, he is a great guy. But he doesn't meet all the important needs I have. I mean admit it, wouldn't it be wonderful to have your guy walk into the room, turn the t.v. off or take the book out of your hand and say, "I want some time with you, lets talk or go do something." Talk about feeling important. Sometimes I get so jealous when I see a guy openly show affection to his wife or girlfriend, as if to say this lady is precious to me and I want the whole world to know it. Or hearing a man bragging on his wife and what a wonderful woman she is. I know he loves me, but for goodness sakes, I am tired of being the one in the relationship to make the first move for us to do something together. I get tired of always being the one bragging on how good he is at this or that. All it does is make me look like the bad guy when I get angry and try to complain about him! The longer we are together the mo re I am becoming aware of things I didn't know were so important to me. And those I did know I stuffed down so I didn't have to look at them. Growing up I was not taught or shown that I was worthy of being cherished or loved deeply. I didn't know I was important just because I was who I was and that was good enough to be loved. I always felt I had to earn it. I continued to live this lie into my adulthood. Taking what I learned as a child into my adulthood only lead me to attracting men who used me or were emotionally unavailable. This is not to place blame. Remember, we are talking about becoming aware of things in ourselves so we can change them.

What I am talking about is being treated with gentleness, kindness and respect. Having a conversation instead of sharing opinions. Or going out somewhere and sharing the fun. I have become aware of the fact that we, my spouse and I, don't have a whole lot of interests in common and do not share the same views on things nor enjoy a lot of the same things; wow talk about opposites attract! When I first became aware of this I was terrified. I just knew it meant divorce. I mean really, how can two people live together who have nothing in common and still be happy? I had to look long and hard at this, I had to ask myself could I live with someone I did not have anything in common with? I knew I wanted a relationship, not just companionship. This was a huge awareness in my life and was what started me on this journey of what I call my midlife moments. Perhaps that is just a nice way of saying I am having a midlife crisis. We will save that for a future post. Anyway, I knew things were going to have to change. But what? How? And that is where the next simple but strong letter "A" word came in. Acceptance.

It was difficult to accept that I was not going to be able to change this important man in my life into the knight in shining Armour. Nor was I willing to leave him to go looking for one. Remember what I said earlier, I attract emotionally unavailable men? I highly doubt that has changed since I have just become aware of it. No, what I learned is that I have to accept I can't change him or anyone else into who I want him or them to be. They are who they are. He is who he was when I married him and I chose to marry him anyway, faults and all. What I didn't know was that as time went on the things I found bothersome would eventually turn into resentments. Anger. And I would have to deal with these emotions somehow. And I did. For a while I blew up at him at little stuff. One moment we would be having a great time, then shortly afterwords I found myself in a rage. Something he did would remind me that I was not going to get what I needed from him emotionally. And this fear or truth would turn into anger. Poor guy had no clue what the hell had just happened. Of course I realize some of this could just be menopause, but I refuse to let him off the hook that easy. That is another thing I had to accept. I put myself into positions to be taken advantage of. I don't stand up for myself, for what I need. But the real truth here is a huge pill to swallow. And that truth is this. My husband, my boss, my friends, any one who is a part of my life cannot fill all my needs. Only I can. And that sucks. I didn't want to give up the dream that one day I would have someone who cherished me. Who thought of me as one hell of a lady and showed it. Most men just assume you know they love you, they do things for you and that should be enough. They don't know how to be emotionally available. And that is why acceptance is so important in this situation and situations like it with any relationship, whether it is at work with a co-workers, a family member or in friendships. It is up to me to fill my own needs. But I have to admit, once I began to accept these things, and just for the record, it isn't always easy, it still frustrates me to have to be the one to plan things and do things together, I don't want to scare anyone or mislead anyone into thinking I have this down pat. What I am saying is that once I do accept it my life becomes more serene and, to my surprise, a little exciting. Because if I am responsible for my own happiness; if I am the one who has to fill my own emotional needs, then I get to pick what those needs and wants are and how I am going to fill them! And who knows me better and what will bring me joybetter than me? See, even this is a new awareness! I get to decide what I am willing to do to get what I need. I am the one who says what will take priority in what time I have left on this earth. Do I accept this now or do I continue sitting around feeling sorry for myself and being hurt and angry because I don't "feel" special enough or because I don't feel like I am being treated right. I believe I will chose acceptance. And so this leads to the final "A" word, Action.

Now I have to take the appropriate action to get my needs met. To be truly happy and content. And I finally know how. After all these years I finally know how to be happy. Are you ready? Its so simple, I have heard it so many times and thought how ridiculous it sounded, but now I find it is true. The action I can take is to be the person I have been looking for! Be that motivator I need in order to accomplish things and try new things. Be that best friend who accepts me warts and all. Go do the very things I don't want to do but know will make me feel confident and better about myself. Encourage myself to go do something I am afraid to do. Bottom line, it is up to me to cherish myself. To show others what a wonderful lady I am, how important I am. Stop hiding under all this self-pity and self loathing waiting for others to pull me up and wash me off. Its not their responsibility. Sure I would still love to experience being cherished, being extra special to someone and deep down I know I am, but yet it would be nice to have it reaffirmed with action on another's part. But today it is what it is. And to be quite frank, I am actually excited about the idea of being my own best friend. No one can tell me whats best for me or what I "should" do if I am not depending on them to make me happy.

Wow, three simple words and yet such a big impact on me. Lately I have begun small changes, but now I am working on bigger ones. And I am walking through fears. Yesterday for example. I got up and thought to myself, "I don't want to come straight home after work." So I packed up my lap top and decided I was going to do something I never had the nerve to do before. I was going to go to a coffee shop, order myself a latte and type away. After all, isn't that what real writers do? I love coffee shops. I love watching people. But my plan backfired. I got all set up only to find I couldn't get on their internet site, and since I was alone I didn't have help. Then I couldn't get my latte because the worker behind the counter was busy washing all the parts to the coffee machine! Oh well, the important thing I had to remember was that I finally did it. I acted on a desire in spite of the fear and uncomfortable feeling of believing I wasn't good enough to be there. I had taken responsibility to do something I would enjoy doing and I didn't have to have someone with me. I was being a grown up! OK, so maybe it didn't work out this time. But its the fact that I took action! I didn't use my husband as an excuse as to why I couldn't do something, that I needed to get home to him. Isn't that what married women are supposed to do, go straight home and cook supper? He is wonderful in that area. I have the best of both worlds really. A terrific husband who does not have a problem with me having a life of my own and doing things that do not include him. Remember, we don't have a whole lot in common nor share the same interests. But what we do have is pretty darn nice and I will take that over divorce any day!

So, as new awareness's crop up, as I slowly accept them and take the risk of acting upon them in which ever way that may be, I have a very good feeling I am beginning a whole new journey in my life. That this is the beginning of the next chapter in my life. I feel like a little girl who is just beginning her first year in kindergarten. Excited and scared all at the same time. And of course not being able to wait to share it with someone! Thankfully I am being blessed on a regular basis with new and wonderful friends I can share the good and the difficult situations with. I have a new motto for my life, if it doesn't enhance my life nor make me a better person, than it or they do not belong in my life. I get to choose now who and what will be a part of my life. Wow that is a good feeling. I used to believe I should be happy with anyone willing to be in my life. Talk about having it back words!

Birthday Blues to Birthday Blessings.

I am not sure what happened this year. I have never been effected by a birthday as I have this year. And its not even a mild stone birthday. I turned 57. But somehow it finally struck me I wasn't young anymore. I wasn't even middle aged. I have been finding myself taking stock of my life and realizing how many years I have wasted on thinking and writing about what I was going to do or what I needed to do, yet never doing any of it! The question keeps popping into my head, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Am I gong to change something? If so, what? Who is this person living in my skin? If I continue on this journey of discovery will I like who I meet?

All my life I have allowed others to tell me who I should be. What I was worth. I was never encouraged to go after what I wanted. And eventually I stopped wanting. I quit dreaming. Little by little I became a people pleaser. Doing and saying what I thought would make you happy, and if you were happy than I could be happy. Everything depended on what others thought or felt. And as long as I didn't have to confront you or do something that might hurt you or make you mad, even though I was suffering, life was ok. What I didn't know was that I was slowly, little by little losing who I was and becoming bitter and angry. You saw me laughing and joking. But you didn't see the hurt little girl inside. Now, the past year has slowly begun changing me. What used to be tolerable is no longer tolerable. How I see things is different. I don't want to be a chameleon any longer. And so now I have to re-define who I am. Perhaps the real sentence should be, now I need to define myself since I really have never had my own identity. it is this realization that has brought about these sudden crazy ideas. Ideas of wanting to change everything, my wardrobe, my house. I want to start over completely. But the stinker is this; I don't know who or what I want to change into! So I just keep going through my closet looking and looking but not knowing what to throw out because I don't know what I want to replace it with! I have ideas in my head but I don't have a lot of money to spend on a whole new wardrobe. And its not like I want a lot. As a matter of fact one thing I have learned about myself is that I am becoming less and less materialistic in the fashion sense and leaning more and more towards simplicity with color. But now I have this huge pile of clothes that I have no idea what to do with!

That's it! I have to simplify my life. Get rid of all the clutter inside my house and inside my head. I want to learn how to keep my life simple. Let the world continue on without me trying to fix it all.

So how do I start? Where does an older women begin a new "her". How do I find out what my passion is? Where does a person get motivation to try new things? I haven't a clue where to start. My house is showing the clutter and confusion that is going on in my head. Am I having a mid-life crisis? Do women have mid-life crisis like men do? I can't imagine someone my age even thinking about being with a man ten years younger than myself. What do young men see in old shriveled up women anyway? Why would you go after last weeks leftovers when you can have a fresh steak today? I even changed doctors a few years back because I couldn't stand the idea of a young male doctor examine me and seeing this old body. It was getting embarrassing.

Getting older brings about so many questions and desires all at once. I feel both anxious of growing older faster, and yet at the same time there is something deep inside me that is excited. There is an enthusiasm and hope I hadn't experienced before. I want to try new things even if afraid. I want to learn everything, yet don't know where to start so I just sit around in front of the t.v. contemplating and watching women around me living their lives and wishing it were me. Well by golly, it is me! I talked to my husband, Steve, (its time to give him a name don't you think?) and I am going to join "Curves" My only concern is, if I lose weight that I do not need to lose, where is the extra skin going to go? Let me explain how this question came about.

This past weekend I was out shopping for bras. Yes, I still need bras. I am not at that stage yet where they sag down enough to just tuck into my underpants. So there I was trying on this bra in my usual size. Or so I thought. I was in for a rude awakening. The scale may say I still weigh the same but my body parts weren't getting the message! There was skin and fat coming out all over that bra! I just stood there staring at myself wondering when the hell does it stop? Every day I am seeing changes confirming I have lost the last bit of youth I had. Let me just say this. The full length mirror is no longer my friend. I couldn't tell what was skin and what was fat. Did I need to lose weight or would that just cause more wrinkled skin to hang over and through my bra? Not to mention over my pants. It was horrible having to walk out of that fitting room and tell my husband, "I need a bigger size." He just smiled and said, "Aren't you glad you tried them on first?" I wanted to hit him and scream, "No you idiot! I don't feel glad about anything right now!" But I remained calm. After all it wasn't his fault. He hadn't seen what I saw. Then I realized he had seen it!  We are married for goodness sakes!  But when I complained to him how terrible I looked and that from now on I was getting dressed in the bathroom and he was not to look when I got into bed any more, he just laughed and reminded me that he too was changing and sagging and that we were growing old together. Personally I think he was trying to "get some." I guess that could be a compliment in a cute sort of way. At least he still finds me attractive  sagging skin and all. But I am still horrified by what I saw. Some women would tell me to embrace it. Accept it as a part of life. I say to you, screw this embracing crap. I want my old body back!  So I did something I knew would make me feel young and sexy again, even for just a short time. I seduced my husband into making love to me. Yes, in case some young lady in her thirties is reading this, we still have sex in our fifties and sixties. Lets just say its "different." And it worked. And  I got up the next morning feeling ok with who I was. But there are other areas in my life to remind me daily I am an older woman. Not middle aged, older.

In the work place for instance. I have noticed how old I feel suddenly. I look around and realize there is only one other lady in the office who is older than I. And she will no doubt retire in few years. I wish I could look forward to retirement. I sometimes worry if my husband and I will have the opportunity to have a few good years to enjoy after working so hard for so many years. Seems like our government just wants to keep us baby boomers working until we die so they don't have to pay us social security. I believe that is why they keep raising the retirement age. Makes me feel so powerless and mad. Ok, back at the office. I notice the younger generation, or maybe its just a sign of the times; but people don't have the same work ethnics. I work with a person who does just enough to keep their job while I have to pick up the slack. Others are on their phones texting or talking constantly throughout the day. And I know I am seen as an old lady, I am left out of things a lot and don't fit in. I don't have kids in school or my job is not tied into other jobs in the office so there is really no reason to come talk to me. Sad but true. I don't feel happy at work. Thank goodness for the friendships I am developing outside of work. This is not to say I don't get along in the office. My sense of humor makes me belong in a small way. Making people laugh is one trait I can hang onto. It is fun to see I can bring laughter to others, even in the workplace of young people.

There is a positive thing in my life right now. I am developing relationships with other women who have the same feelings as I do and are going through or have been through the mid-life crisis and hot flashes. I am reading "The Hot Flash Club" and can relate so much to what these ladies are doing, it is a great book if you are feeling alone and like you are crazy. It is a relief to realize there is a name for what I am going through. Menopause.

So, I have allowed myself to be affected in a couple negative areas due to this birthday for a while now which is why I haven't blogged actually. Didn't know if this is what I really want to blog about anymore. Who cares about what a woman in her menopausal years is going through? Who cares to read about my new adventures I feel coming up. That's where the excitement is about. Although I am whining a bit, ok a lot; I also have this positive sense that something good and wonderful is coming my way. I only need to be ready and open to it when it comes. I need to be willing to take risks and to stand up and say, "This is who I am now and I don't care what you think." I don't even have to believe it all the time, you know that saying, "Fake it til you Make It." What I want today may not be what I want tomorrow. I keep changing my mind day to day! And you know what? As far as I am concerned that is ok with me. Life now is all about change for me. Experimenting to see what fits and what doesn't in my new journey. My next phase of life.

Now it is up to me to begin living to suit myself. Begin doing those things that will boost my self-confidence and respect. I know now that these things cannot come from other people. I can be encouraged and pushed in a positive direction, but ultimately it is up to me who I am comfortable being. I am the one who has to live in my own skin. I believe I was born with a certain amount of creativity. I see things others don't when out in nature; like faces or animals in a tree bark or on a mountain side. I love colors and find bright colors excite me. But I don't know how to put them together or if I need to. That's where friends who know these things can help. I want to learn how to create and think outside the box. Take risks with colors and designs. Maybe even begin learning new hobbies like sketching. Oh how I love stencil drawings!

In a couple months I hope to have my very own room completed. It will be my sanctuary. Away from the front of the house.  I am in the planning stages right now of how I want to set it up as a meditation/craft room.  Again friends will help. But first there is a lot of de-cluttering I have to do in another room so we can move the stuff out of one into another to make this happen. It is over-whelming if I don't remember to take one little section at a time. That is something else I have learned. I don't have to complete something in a hurry before enjoying other things. I can work hard for a short period of time on one part of my life while at the same time, taking breaks and working on the things I enjoy. I used to believe I couldn't enjoy something unless I completed certain tasks. So I would find myself doing nothing. Just lying around watching t.v. feeling sorry for my boring life. Well let me say this. Lately my life is not boring. Cluttered and confusing at times, but definitely not boring.

So, my main object is to get out of this slump. Stop focusing on the things I wished I had done or done differently and start focusing on the things I can do today. Really put an honest effort into living in the moment.  And asking myself, is this really what I want to be doing or am I doing it to impress someone or because I think I should.  Am I going to figure out what my passion is and blog about that! In the meantime I will continue just sharing my day to day awareness's and hoping I am not alone in my insane thinking. Wait a minute! I am blogging my topic, my passion. What life through menopause is about! Duh. When did that stop being enough? When did I begin to doubt what I was blogging about?

I didn't want my readers, if I still have any, to think I had stopped writing. I was just "on a break" you might say. Now I need, no, want to get back to working on the room de-cluttering.  But I must be able to live with piles as I move these rooms around. Its like the emotional changes going on in my head. I have to allow the noise once in a while in order to enjoy the quiet thoughts. I will put up with a temporary messy house so I can one day enjoy a quiet personal room all my own. Maybe this birthday slump has finally passed! And all I had to do was share it. Just getting it out has helped me to see that all I need to do is accept that this is part of life that I cannot change. So lets do what will make it less painful and more enjoyable. Even if this means being and acting a little crazy at times.
I guess women do have their own mid-life crisis after all. I just haven't heard any share about theirs. My poor husband. He has no idea what is ahead for him. But at least we can go through this craziness together and laugh at each other on the way. Now I can see all the many blessings I have in my life and will say, Cathie, Happy Birthday!