Let it begin with Me

 I am beginning a new life experience. I am excited to once again share who I was, where I've been emotionally and spiritually, and where my Mother God has lead me to. Once again the excitement to write is back. A friend' just earlier this evening inspired me to get back on this blog and write. She said I had something other people could relate to and needed to know they were not alone. And that is exactly why I started this blog. I want all of you to know those of us in our senior years are not alone and less important the younger people. Writing about my life, my experiences  not only help me to feel good about reaching out to others, but it also frees me from the shame, fears and sense of no longer being important in this age where only the young matter. I look forward to the day I begin to hear back from readers and their input and experiences as well, and how they over came insecurities and fears. I don't know who you, the reader is, and  yet I feel we know each other by our common thoughts and experiences. Lets face it. Life looks uncertain for us baby boomers. The future does not look bright and secure if you don't have a large bank account, a rich relative to leave you their house or money. But we can at least know we are not alone. That if it came to be; we will at least have one another to share our cardboard boxes on the streets.

Seriously though, where do I begin? For now all I can do is "throw up" my thoughts onto this paper and see where the words go. Trust my Mother Spirit to put the right words into the right sentence. Later I can go back and clean up the mess and move words around so they make sense and are coherent   at she directs me.

Someone asked me what type of  audience was I trying to reach? Well, being as this is my journal, it will no doubt resonate more with the older generation. How many 20 year old young ladies for instance stare in the mirror and notice more wrinkles or gray hairs that were not there the day before. I remember so clearly when this began to happen to me. I was upstairs in the bathroom brushing my teeth and when I raised up my head I noticed my eyes were more droopy than usual. My eyelids were not going back up. So I rinsed my face and thought they would be back to normal as the day went on. But to my astonishment, (horror is more like it),  I noticed later that day the droopy eye lids were still droopy! They had not risen back up. I literally screamed to my husband who was watching t.v. downstairs, "Oh my God, Steve, my eyes have fallen and they aren't going back up!" At that moment I knew I was no longer the young lady with the big pretty brown eyes. Now I had wished I had my glasses back to hide behind.

Slowly over the past two years I notice that changes to my physical body are developing on a rapid pace, almost daily. I still look good for 58, people are surprised when I tell them how old I am, (God please don't let this be kindness). It still remains a sad fact though; my body is aging. So what am I going to do? Sit down and feel sorry for myself? Continue to waste more years sitting around watching more of my life go on without my participation?  Being bombarded with ads about looking younger doesn't help my self esteem much.  I blame the media. Their subtle brain washing through ads and commercials. Have you notice how commercials for perfume, clothes, cars and jewelry all have slim beautiful women in them? And of course they have to look sexy as well. Why in the world do you have to be sexy to eat a fat, messy cheeseburger?  I mean really, the girl dong the ad probably runs to the bathroom to throw it all up. We all know we aren't going to stay slim eating a fast food cheeseburger, and we certainly aren't going to look sexy with the sauce running down our chins.  I don't know about you, but when I go out to eat, I want to enjoy my food without worrying about how I look. Commercials are telling our young population that plain over weight women don't have the right to drive a fancy car or buy nice jewelry. No, commercials for us are the Windex commercials, the detergent commercials and of course the family commercials for frozen dinners. They are not fancy restaurants and wine. They don't even use older women to advertise certain moisturizers, special skin soap or lotions, no they use a young lady who does't look a day over 20 to sell face cream to make you longer! How young does she want to look, 15? We get the depend commercials, the under pads that look like underwear. Viagra.

Maybe I am just jealous. I don't like that my hands are winkled and fingers are getting arthritic, or that I grunt when I get up from a sitting or leaning down position. But that is my reality. Each time I notice something else, like growing a mustache and having to plunk these darn hairs that come out of nowhere; and of course I don't find them until they are a foot long. Then my poor husband gets screamed at for letting me go out in public with a hair sticking out like a wart.

It is scary to know I am getting older. That it takes more effort to do the physical activities I once enjoyed without paying for it later in pain. Its not easy to be in my fifties and still not have accomplished anything worth bragging about. Instead, I am just finally learning what it is to be a healthy, respectful woman. It is still hard to stand up for myself with authoritative people, or strong personalities. The insecure little girl comes rushing back to remind me I am not suppose to talk back, I am not worthy of their respect.

 However, lately I am being blessed more and more with things that really matter. Friendships. Relationships based on healthy respect for one another. Laughing at each other's mistakes or silly thoughts. I now have women who encourage, not put down. Friends who treat me as their equal, and respect my opinions. The greatest thing about these new friendships is that they accept it when I continuously get lost trying to find the restaurant we are meeting at; or that I have no idea that some things are best left alone. They laugh "with" me; not "at" me. For the first time in my life I am not just knowing others love me; but feeling it, believing it is genuine, and that means I am really  lovable, and not because I did something for them. How cool is that. You know something else? I realized that by my insecurities, weird thinking turn out to be what attracts others. My sometimes strange antics  are the very things others find me fun and enjoyable to be around.

On the other spectrum, I have come to realize sadly, that when I back away or disappear out of fear or embarrassment, They actually miss me and are hurt that I no longer visit with them in a group we are in together. I honestly believed no one cared if I didn't show up. That I wouldn't be missed or my absence would be noticed. By meeting regularly with these new friends, I am learning through them what a healthy relationship looks like. And that healthy relationships are fun, trustworthy and honest. I do not have to agree with everything my friends or people I respect do. This is called unconditional love. What a concept. It isn't necessary to get angry in order to get a response I want; or to pout when others treat me disrespectfully. Actually I can be quite childish when I feel hurt or unimportant. I sulk and behave like a 14 year old. And look stupid in the process. But again, these friends in my life don't judge me; don't run away or scold me for being an idiot. Instead they laugh because they too have reacted in situations in the same manner.

I guess we are always evolving; growing, changing. And isn't that great? Because as we change and learn from our mistakes and wrong behavior, we become better people; we get to look in the mirror and smile because today we are a better person than we were yesterday. Each day these past few months Mother Spirit within has continually shown me and whispered to me what I need to do; and that is, to always do the right thing no matter how difficult or humbling it may be. To mend a relationship with someone I have to work with, or got into a heated disagreement with, it can even be something I just don't want to deal with out of fear of how the other person might react. Again I am reminded what the important part of change and maturity is, and that is to "Let it begin with Me". Not wait until the other person apologizes or changes to my satisfaction. No, what is right is to always do the next right thing. And to remember, It is not always about me. Boy oh boy, growing up in later life is a difficult thing. And embarrassing as well when I keep it to myself. When I share stupid or wrongful behavior I did with a trusted friend, I am told I am not alone in these reactions. I am able to laugh at my mistakes or embarrassing reactions. However that does not take away my responsibility to do the next right thing. I still have to make the amends for the harm or hurtful feeling I may have caused. Again, its living with the reminder; "Let it begin with me."

What does one do when they are "Stuck" in their Lives?

I am in "Stuck" mode. Where do I belong, fit in? Where am I suppose to be at this stage of my life? Others I know seem content to with their normal routine day in and day out. Work, go home, clean house, take a walk. Whatever it is they do in their lives. And I am one of them! It really stinks. I see myself as someone living an excited, interesting life. Learning new things, like Social Media and all it entails. Or joining a group that does fun things like going to a museum or live Play. I am not being the person I was created to be. How do I know this? Well let me tell you. Perhaps you too, will realize you are wasting the only life you have in front of the t.v. or napping on the couch after a stressful day on the job.

I visualize myself as a professional writer and speaker. That would be such fun. I also picture myself in a comic skit similar to The Carol Burnett show. I just know I would be good at it. That is, of course, if I could get up the confidence and courage to do it. Or what about belonging to a professional writer's group or book club. Not a club where you read romance novels. A book club that   that make you think, books that everyone has different opinions of. Now that would be great because I would have to actually think! Another area that is lacking in my daily life is exercise. Walking the dog around a small mobile home park is not what I would call a work out. I have great intentions, really I do. I bought a yoga mat, video on yoga for beginners, that has managed to get lost. Every night I tell myself, "Cathie, tomorrow you are going to get out of this bed (after my first cup of coffee of course), and you are going to do stretches, eat a healthy breakfast and walk the dog. Then after work you are going to do the same thing while Steve is cooking supper". And guess what. Something happens while I am asleep. Don't know what, but somehow that enthusiasm and determination is taking away in my sleep. I am as serious as a heart attack, morning comes and I can't get out of bed until my second cup of coffee and by the time I am dressed and gotten daily reading out of the way, it is time to go to work. Then, when I get home, well you understand I am sure, I am so uptight and stressed that I nibble while I watch my dear husband cook supper. This has been a regular routine for several months now. But since my birthday last month I was so determined this would be my year. So far all it has been is a repeat of last year with a few exceptions on occasion. The determination is being kidnapped while I sleep. I admire those who are disciplined and have a hard drive to accomplish things in their lives. You know the ones, maybe you are one. They faithfully get up an extra hour early to get in their exercise or run. I know a friend who gets up at 3 am to write her book! Now she is a writer. I am not willing to or just not disciplined enough to get up so early. How does one gain discipline? If someone tells me, by just doing it, I will scream. Because I know they are right. I never thought about writing a story, but maybe that would be fun.

How badly do I want a new life? Perhaps the real question would be, What am I willing to give up to accomplish these things? Not to be published or win a ribbon. But for the shear joy of feeling good about myself. That sense of accomplishment and joy I get when I finish a post. I know there are physical activities I can no longer do; but there are lots of things I can do emotionally, intellectually and even spiritually that would enhance my daily living and give my life a sense of worth. Perhaps even build confidence. Both that were robbed from me as a child.

I was talking to a friend about this subject and how I felt "stuck". Not knowing how to get out of this funk and she said matter of factually, "move ahead, do something, push on." Really? That is the advise I get?  Do something to move ahead. How the hell do I do that? I don't think she understood what I was asking. It is so easy to say what I need to do; but they leave out the most important part of the  problem, the "how to" part! Come on people, do you really think I can figure this stuff out on my own? I don't think so. But wait a minute, perhaps I do. Perhaps the answer lies deep within. I only need to trust that inner voice that says, " Do something different. Take a risk. Just do something, anything." Even if it is as simple as writing this silly post. I have nothing concrete to write about, and yet here I am, in the middle of a big thunder and lightening storm writing. I had a Star Bucks coffee with a dear friend after work. I really didn't want to go, but that voice told me to quit being so lazy and go. I am sure it was Mother Spirit directing me. I had fun and ended up hanging out with a group of people sharing where they were at and what they had been going through this week. I was glad to be back there and even got involved. Inspired to start knitting and sewing again. Well, this just goes to prove that what people have been telling me , really is all it takes. Just doing it even when I don't want to. Like that little eight year old inside me that stamps her foot and says, "I don't feel like it!"

OK, I know the answer now; the only thing stopping me from doing the things I believe I would enjoy is me. Me and all my lame excuses I find to defend my laziness. So my friends, this is my commitment and you can hold me accountable. I am going to write at least, once a week and work on it being worthy of posting. Each day I am going to do something I don't feel like doing, but would be good for me. And last, turn off the t.v.! Get out the sewing machine, yarn, whatever will help me feel alive and worthy of this life I am given. We are at the age where friends are having strokes, cancer, heart attacks. It is continuously on my mind of how much time do I really have before getting the "death sentence". And even if I were to have 10 or more years left, will I continue to waste it "relaxing" watching t.v. or playing games on my lap top instead of writing or learning something new. Creating something I can wear with pride. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do the things that create excitement and confidence in myself. Learning something new just brightens my day, I feel exhilarated and want to do or learn more. OH, now I remember what is keeping me stuck, the word is, Lazy!! I say I need to relax, when in reality I am being lazy, plain and simple.

So, no more excuses; no more "I don't want to" or "I don't feel like it". Each day I am blessed to have, I will show my appreciation by completing a craft I started or continue on one I have already begun. I will read books that inspire and teach me new things. Doesn't this sound great? Yeah, I think so too. Now lets see if it really happens. It could be taken from my memory as I sleep tonight, like it has in the past.

My real goal is to be able to write a post that is interesting and has a focus. I still feel like I am floundering around trying to find a purpose in my writings. I know I want to reach out to others who are struggling with the same struggles I have.  To know I am not alone in my craziness, fears and concerns of what the future holds. So I will just keep writing what is on my mind and enjoy the process. Maybe one day I will look and see a response from someone who has the same excuses and the same questions as I have. You never know.

Well, its late and the morning comes early. So I will say Good night.

Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides

Well I am back. Never really went anywhere, not in my head anyway. But been struggling with trying not to compare myself with others these past months. It is truly disheartening to see young women filled with such self confidence and intelligence with technology, not to mention careers and what they want from life. Each year I go through this process as my birthday comes closer. I look back and realize I am the same person I was last year. Same job, same husband, (I guess that parts good), same home, same insecurities blah blah blah. And it makes me wonder. What am I doing so wrong?

However, this year I can look back and see how I have grown, and how I have begun to change into the woman I hope to become. Instead of looking at women I wish I were like, I have started acting like it! What a concept huh? Also, I look at my job that is going no where and began using it as a practice job for the position I will be in one day. (Did you notice the positive affirmation I just did?). For instance I find myself minding my own business more and staying out of gossip, or keeping from starting it. I firmly but respectfully stand up to those who feel they are superior. And most important I have surrounded myself with women who encourage and love me just as I am, and are also there to encourage where I could change for better. It doesn't matter how old you are, inside we are all those insecure little boys and girls at times. We just see others outsides and assume it is their insides as well.

I had read other blogs and looked at them and suddenly felt so insecure and inferior. They were all so professional and set up so nicely! Pictures even! I don't' have the luxury of a teen or fellow blogger to help me work out the kinks nearby. But a woman told me and a friend what a great writer I was and how I needed to get back at it. So here I am, insecure and fearful. But I am here. My goal last year if I remember right, was not allowing fear to rule my life any longer. And of course as soon as I realized people were reading my blog and although they loved it, it filled me with fear of continuing to write what they would like or not like. I need to remind myself I am writing for myself and because I love it. Actually I love writing and rewriting. The editing is so much fun.

My husband is talking about retiring in a few years. If you don't think that sent chills up my spine! When did he have the right to get so old? And why is he aging and getting grumpier so much faster than I am? Then reality sinks in and I realize, I am aging right alongside him. Everyday as I do my data entry position I notice how old my hands are looking. When I am crocheting or knitting, I again notice the stiffness that wasn't there a week ago. My hair is changing color faster and it isn't coming out of a bottle! I just keep seeing all these new changes happening to my body at an alarming rate of speed and my immature young mentality is not catching up! And yes, there are days when I am terrified.

My husband left for a week long trip yesterday and for a week prior I was having anxiety attacks. All the old "what ifs" came storming into my head. What if he doesn't make it back? What if he has a stroke or heart attack so far from home? What if, what if. What if I just shut my thoughts off and move on!! First I can't wait to get rid of the grump for a few days, then I am worrying about losing him. Wish my mind could make itself up already. I do love the guy, but lets face it, I don't always like him. Some days I want to just smack him a long side his head and scream "Shape up already!".

So today I enjoyed my regular Saturday brunch lunch with a woman I met and it was so much fun. In the back of my mind though, I caught myself thinking how strange that I didn't have to think about my spouse and what he was doing while I was sitting here eating with a friend. Of course that means I was still thinking about him! I just can't win. Lets face it, if my thoughts are focused on him and what he is doing, I don't have to look at what I am doing. That is a great way to avoid looking at what needs to be changed in me. but it is also a way to miss out on the joy of the moment. That isn't something I want to continue doing any longer. I am ready to face the truth of life and change what I can and find a way to live with what I can't. Thank goodness I have a Power greater than myself that guides me and fills me with peace and encouragement whenever I think of her or go to her for comfort.

Writing is so therapeutic. I can never understand why some find it so difficult. It is fun, hard work, but the joy is finding out that the more transparent I become, the less alone I feel in these life situations. My journaling is never meant to hurt anyone and this has stopped me from always being completely open about what is going on or speaking up when the moment is right. but how can this be helpful to you, the reader and to myself? My philosophy of late has been, "No more hiding who I am." No more secrets. Yes, this can and will set me up to be ridiculed and judged. Maybe I will lose a few friends or family member relationships. I hope it wouldn't, but that's not realistic. As a writer of truth we have to be willing to risk losing a few relationships when we share intimate things about ourselves.

This is the next best thing to being "Dear Abby" as I can think of . I always thought it would be so much fun to have people ask me for advise and give it like she did. So instead, I will end this year of my life writing more stories about myself, my life before and now, daily events that are funny or frustrating, and hope to hear others are reading these events and feelings and identifying with me. More importantly, they will gain hope and encouragement that they are not alone or crazy in their thoughts. Or maybe we are and its that is ok too, just so long as we are not harming ourselves or others in the process. I am sadly guilty of both. But am so grateful I can say that in past tense. Not that I don't continue to hurt others unknowingly. but there was a time I did it intentionally out of anger or ego.

Well, this is a short and very simple post, but I knew if I didn't put something on here I may never get back at it. So back to the disciplining. Writing every day, and even if I don't hit the "post" button the first writing, at least I will have written something that day. Life is changing quickly for me emotionally, physically and spiritually. The best time to write don't you think?

Is believing in one true god bring peace to our world?

I am slowly coming into my own and it is frightening and exciting at the same time. As I begin living by my own truth it is setting off uncomfortable situations. People don't know what is going on. And when I stand up for myself and say "no" when I mean no, I feel shaky inside and afraid of the confrontation that may come of it. I am not used to being true to myself. How can I when I have only just begun to get to know myself? What I like, what type of things I find interesting or want to learn about. My spiritual truth continues to grow stronger and more difficult to ignore or push down as well.

God is a name that I, like most people, learned to call the Creator of the world. For years I have tried to believe in the God of the bible. Went to church, forced myself to be around people I did not fit in with but because I had gotten close to and loved, continued to try and force myself to believe in their God. But since I have let go of that agony and rid myself of heaven and hell. I have been freed up to live my life according to what my own truth or truths are. As I grow  confident in my own opinions and self, my spiritual beliefs continue to change and expand. I respect my friends and all people's beliefs for themselves and wish it could be reciprocated by Christian friends, but it doesn't seem to work out that way. I respect them for standing up for their beliefs but do not see a loving and accepting God in their judgment of those of us who do not believe as they do. I do not see the true teachings of Jesus in their daily walk or treatment of others. This is not true of all Christians, but many that I have come in contact with. But this is true of all walks of faiths isn't it? We are all responsible to live as close to our beliefs as humanly possible.

I am accepted if I believe in the Christian God. But not accepted if I believe in pagan Gods or other spiritual paths. I am expected to believe in God, but not a God of my choice. Why not?  Because I did not trust my God when she/he approached me I have allowed others to tell me what truth is. This is the same in other areas of my life. Allowing others to define who I am or am not. So many doubts. So much fear caused by people pleasing. But as I have said in previous blogs, people pleasing has to stop and that means stop in ALL areas of my life. I am happy to share that this is happening, slowly but happening just the same.

I feel free now to be who I am.  I am studying and reading about paganism. I want to learn everything I can. Just as I want to study Buddhism and Hinduism and other walks of faith. There are so many spiritual paths in our world. And yet some would say I was going to hell for believing and practicing my own religion. But the Creator of the universe is bringing women into my life who encourage me to be true to myself, even those who do not share the same beliefs. I have also been blessed to have people of the same faith beginning to come into my life. 

If all people were allowed to follow and have their own Gods and religions and we all accepted one another for who we are and not what we believe just think how peaceful and loving our world would be. But again that is none of my business. I have no control over what others think, only what I think.

I am finally being brought to sanity. I am being given the courage to live life as I feel inspired. I know the woman I want to become and my God is helping me to become her. I know I will have many new friends on this journey. It is cool to be eclectic; I can take what makes sense to me from all types of spiritual paths and leave the rest without fear or guilt.

Yes, old ideas and brain washing come back time to time, however now I have tools to push them away and move forward in my personal journey. I may not believe in "One true God", but I do believe there is a power greater than myself that brought this universe to being. And I love what my husband says; God comes to each of us in a way it knows we can come to it. Or him if you prefer. There is an energy that is a part of us all and when we are open to it and willing to tap into it, we become a part of it. We are a part of it. When I think of death I see my spirit, the energy within, returning to the universal power, free and joyful. This brings me inner peace.

Each morning I ask for courage and strength from my higher power to face whatever comes that day. Whether it is something out of my control or a consequence for yesterdays actions. At night I thank him for all the blessings I have in my life. This too brings me peace and a sense of well being. It is creating a personal relationship with the spirit within. It is bringing me closer to who I am and who I want to become. A spiritual being. A woman of love and peace. My own woman of faith.

A Vision that Came to me of an Angel or Goddess

It is snowing and the roads are slick. I am blessed to have a boss and supervisor who understand the terror I have of driving in these conditions and tell me to stay home. So I have an opportunity to write on my blog, something way over due. So much for being disciplined.

Yesterday I had the most wonderful vision. A beautiful woman in a black and white silhouette with a jet black raven sitting on her shoulder. Right away I felt she was looking into my inner being and I felt safe and protected. I knew without a doubt I had found my God. Or better yet, Goddess. The spirit in a form I can see and feel her love. Something tangible that I can relate to. Yet not one many of my friends would understand or agree to. Some would even be concerned I was returning to the "dark side". I understand their concern having been in the Christian community for sometime in the past. But the peace I felt, the love I saw on this angelic like face only sent positive energy within me.

Why are there so many religions out there fighting with one another instead of embracing each others love for their God? Is it not possible that God, who ever he/she/it may be, comes to each of us in a manner that helps us to trust and lean on for strength and hope? God is energy, a Creator of all living things I believe and therefore lives within each of us. If I can learn to relax, quiet my mind and separate my thoughts from worldly clamor, I believe I would hear her message and I would once again have the trust and guidance to write spiritual essays and poems once again. For too long now I have allowed the religious community control what I believe and cause doubts within me as to who my Higher Power, as some I know call it,  "God really is". And I have lost the peace that once resided within.

I wish I could draw. I see her so plainly and would love to draw what I saw. I will try just the same. Who knows, I may find there is a talent in me I never knew I had. It is time to experiment with different crafts.

Being surrounded with encouraging, loving, self confident women lately who believe in me and encourage me to try things has truly begun changing how I see myself and to treat myself with respect. And now with this image of my guardian angel,  I will call her, I have more confidence that strength will continue to grow, for now I have someone I can turn to for help. Someone personal to me. As a matter of fact she has already begun filling me with strength and self respect. Let me explain.

Just last week something happened that caused me to be very uncomfortable and I found myself in turmoil. I met with a pain specialist. I liked the dr. but did not feel confident with his office staff. They had not even told him they had the flu shots in! That should have been my first clue as to who was running that office. Then during the week I called a few times regarding the medication he was going to prescribe and never received a call back. Nor did the pharmacy. All weekend I fretted over what to do. I wasn't comfortable with the office staff nor had confidence they cared about my well being. Did I have the courage or the  right to call and tell them I was going elsewhere? Was I being too picky? The whole weekend I stressed out about it. The lack of self worth was overtaking the new found confidence I was gaining. Finally, Sunday I made the decision I was going to do what I felt was best for me and I called and canceled with that office. I called my own PCP and will get a new referral. As soon as I did all that I was calm and all the anxiety I was struggling with last week and over the weekend subsided.  I felt so proud for taking care of my needs. It is new to put my needs ahead of others opinions and my people pleasing. But boy did it feel good. After all, if we don't take responsibility for ourselves we have no one else who will. We can only blame ourselves for allowing ourselves to be victims of the world around us. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? Some of you may be reading this thinking, "well dah!". But if you grew up in the  home I did, you were not taught self love or respect. You were taught self loathing and shame. Unworthy of others respect. I am grateful my spirit angel  has brought me to a place where there are women who have been there and understand what I feel and need to grow into the being I was created to be. To have the choice to live in this new found freedom of creativity and love.

The world is full of hate and violence. I have obsessed all my life over the horrible things I read and hear about that is going on around the world. Yet there is nothing I can do. I have no control over the actions of others. Now that I am finally accepting this a little at a time I am learning to live in my own little world and change what is possible for me to change. Isn't it cool that as we grow spiritually so can our spiritual beliefs? Today my God can be a beautiful spirit women, tomorrow the Christ, another day Buddha. But the main thing is that I have a God I can lean on and to remember I am not alone. I need help to live in this world. God works through people, books, visions and so many other ways to reach out to us; we only need to be willing to believe and accept it when it comes.

I have a writer's workshop coming up that I have been asked to be a part of. To share about blogging and journaling. I do not have experience with blogging as many who read probably have noticed. I do not stay on one topic. Sharing thoughts and experiences isn't what one thinks of as a blog. I need a particular topic. It is becoming one of spiritual growth I think. I was considering writing letters to God in my journals. Just to see if it changes anything. I will let you know.

Well, once again I not sure this post made any sense or was worth reading. But again I wanted to get something written, even if for just the discipline of keeping on with this blog. I hope one day to meet someone who can guide me on blogging and mentor me in my writing. I want to write spiritual insights that come to me as well as humorous experiences like arguments with my spouse over ridiculous things.

Well, I will try to not let the guilt of knowing others made it to work in spite of their fear of driving in this weather and I didn't. I will take my bosses words to stay home to heart and if they wanted me to go in then they would have said so. 

Guess I will make a fresh cup of coffee and edit this post before publishing it. I love editing.

What if I am wrong?

Sometimes we have to stand up for what is true to ourselves. This past week I found it can cause ill feelings on my part when I do. I am new at disagreeing with strong personalities. My self doubts come flying into the front of my brain like a bunch of little gnats. And a few days later I am still feeling like that little girl who did something wrong and everyone is going to turn against her. That her friends will go away. This isn't easy to share but it is true and must be. I had a strong disagreement earlier in the week and it has brought about strong insecurities and even anger in me. I am feeling like that little girl who was picked on and felt ugly and stupid. Thankfully it is not as strong since I called a friend and talked it out. But it did get me thinking, when am I going to grow up?

When does maturity really begin and what is it? How do we determine when someone is acting like a mature adult or when they are being silly and immature? Can I disagree with what someone believes and not pout or feel negative about myself? I suppose it just takes time and sticking close to friends who are changing and growing themselves. Friends who will let me know I am over reacting or not a bad person for standing up for what I need. Its just that those strong personality types are so darn intimidating to me. I want everyone to like me and not feel negative about me because I disagreed with them or don't want to do what they think I should. That is so unrealistic and immature. I don't like everyone I meet or know and that's OK. But it is not OK for you to dislike me. This I understand and see very clearly is the immature side of me. I am so happy I have people in my life today who love me in spite of my childish behavior at times. It is called unconditional love. Something I am not used to.

I thought being a "grown up" just happened as you got older. I didn't know you had to work at it. I thought that by now I would be a mature individual who no longer acted childish or felt like a child. Someone who no longer cared what other people thought of her. I envy those who say they really don't care what other people think. As a matter of fact I have heard some say, "its none of my business what others think about me." That makes no sense to me at all. Of course its my business, its me they are thinking badly of! Or are they? My ego is so big sometimes. I think everyone is looking at me and thinking these things. Hell, I can be walking my dog and sense people looking out their windows thinking, "poor thing, doesn't have any friends to walk with her." OK, that's an exaggeration, I used to believe that, but not so much now. Maybe I am growing some.

What does it take to grow up? I am running out of time. I want to feel secure, confident and know who my God is and I want it yesterday! When I am at work I want to feel confident about who I am and not allow co-workers define who I am by  their negative actions or words. But it has to come from within myself first. Positive confidence is something I must gain myself. It cannot come from others. A personal God has to be from within, I cannot take someone else's.  But how do you get it?

Each day I am meditating on a daily reading. I take something that means something to me, write it in my planner for that day and look at it throughout that day. I started a couple weeks ago and it is helping  little by little. I also try to have time each day where I sit and quiet myself as much as possible and see if God speaks to me. I try to accept it when I do not get a thought or answer. It will come later through a reading, something someone says or perhaps even from just walking and suddenly having a thought pop into my head. You just never know how God will speak or come to you. My difficulty is trusting in my God. Trusting that what I believe or come to believe is OK. That I will not go to hell because I do not believe as others do. Or that because I do not share your belief I must be wrong. Why do I always assume I am wrong and everyone else is right? Where does that come from I wonder.

Having my my own opinion or idea and then sharing or acting on it is not something that comes easily to me. I feel confident and happy while I am doing sharing a thought or opinion, however, when alone later on, all the doubts and insecurities come flooding in and I critique everything I said and think about all the things I should have said or not said. Lately I have slowly begun to trust my new friends when they say, Cathie you are OK. What you shared was great. You are smart and creative. These are things I must start believing and living by. And I am trying. I am little by little going outside my comfort zone and forcing myself to do things I am self-conscious about or afraid. Like this week. I put a gym bag together with shorts, socks, t-shirt and yes, a bathing suit. I am going to throw it into the car and have it handy for that day after work when I get the courage to go the rec center to exercise or get into the pool. I love to be in the water. I love to swim. There is an opportunity to do these things I love, it is my lack of confidence and fear of what others at the pool will think that stops me. That little girl everyone laughed in elementary school and even at home,  comes forward and suddenly I am feeling embarrassed and self-conscious about my body. Especially now that it is wrinkled and has these new funny looking pumps and lines. And of course we can't forget the sagging skin between the boobs now can we? I can't believe I am now one of the "seniors" at the pool. Someone who that young person at the desk looks at and thinks, "Lady, you belong in the senior center." See, there I go again, believing I know what that person is thinking. Ego, all about me. When in reality they are probably thinking about themselves and own problems and could care less about what I am doing, they just want the money and for me to go away.

Well, this post probably isn't one of my best, but I was feeling kind of alone and sad after this disagreement I had earlier in the week and thought, why don't I blog. It always makes me feel better. I wish I could find a writers group to help me do a better job with this blog, but that will come soon enough I am sure.

So for those of you who have managed to read this far, thanks. I hope it made a little bit of sense to you. I know it helped me get it out. Later I will join my group of friends and know I will come home feeling positive and happy again. And when I go back to work in the morning, hopefully I will continue to practice minding my own business and focusing on the little phrase I find to help my thinking for that day. Maybe I will even call a friend during lunch! My goodness, how did I get along without these friends all this time? Trusting can be very difficult for me; but it is worth the doubts and risks of sharing how I feel, so I can experience the love and acceptance I am receiving in spite of myself. Life is good when you think about all the things you can do instead of the things you can no longer do. So, my goal this week will be to go to the rec center and just do something, even if it is walking around the track for a while. Just take that first baby step and walk through those doors. Believe me, if I do you will be reading about it!

Cancer be Dammed, I want Hormones!

Ok, I surrender. I have had enough of being "natural" and letting menopause run its course. Enough is enough. Its course is about to hurt someone or send me to jail! And its not just for me. I am doing this for those I live with and work with as well. They too have suffered. How many husbands have made an innocent comment only to have their wife suddenly hit them with the closest available item? Then five minutes later listen to that same woman cry over not knowing what is wrong with her? Then being the sweet understanding, (and rather naive) husband, you put your arms around her to comfort her and again say the wrong words, only to be lashed out at again. Thus begins the vicious emotional roller coaster of hormone insanity. Not to mention the constant hot flashes. I just love it when  co-workers ask, "Cathie why is your face so red, are you having a hot flash?" No you silly woman, I am turning beat red with sweat poring down my face because I am working so hard at this paperwork! First of all why would anyone ask such a personal question and second of all why would they risk their lives?  Don't they realize those of us in menopause are lethal human beings? That at any given moment we can explode and unleash venomous rages at them?

I did not know, nor was it explained to me just how bad going through menopause would be,  And its not just the physical discomfort, the tiredness and inability to concentrate. But the emotional up and downs as well. My poor husband never knows from one moment to the next what will set me off into a rage. I have been ready to pack up my things I don't know how many times because he is so irritating or pisses me off so badly. I just want to get away from this man who doesn't know when keep his mouth shut. I just think I will pack up and move in with a friend who isn't so irritating. But as I am packing (in my mind) I begin to calm down and realize and ask myself, how long will it be before this friend also begins to say or do stupid things that will cause me to blow up? So I will not only lose a good man but all my friends one by one as well.

Its just not safe to be around menopausal women. And I can tell you right now, if you are one of those women who "didn't have any trouble at all going through menopause", you had better be smart and not tell that to the rest of us. We will take you by the hair on your heads and drag you down the street tarred and feathered! It is not smart nor nice to rub that in our faces as we sit there with our fans sweating to death. I wonder how many women are sitting in jail simply because they refused to take hormone replacement therapy. Oh my goodness, I just thought of something. Can you imagine being a guard watching over a group of women in the "yard" who happen to be menopausal but unable to get hormone therapy? That is just trouble waiting to happen! Watching over menopause and PMS ladies, yeah, that's where I want to work. NOT

So, a few weeks ago I swallowed my pride and saw my doctor and agreed to try the hormone replacement therapy. Its only been a couple weeks but finally three days ago I realized the hot flashes were nearly non-existent, my husband was back to being his nice cute self again and the people at work were finally tolerable to work around. Funny how taking hormones can change other people as well isn't it?
And another great thing is I am once again sleeping through the night, and my energy level is back up. So I am no longer spending time lying on the couch or stressing over things I have no control over. OK, maybe a little. But I'm not raging and throwing things so that's a start. I wonder how much road rage would decrease if more women took hormones. Just a thought.

I still don't understand the women who say these were the best years of their lives, maybe it will take a few more months to get to that point. All I can say at this moment is I am so happy I listened to a few friends who kept telling me to go on hormones and quit listening to the Nay-Sayers about cancer risks. Cancer risks are all around us people.

Hey, maybe one day I will wake up and find out I no longer have a mustache or little hairs popping up all over my face!! Don't you hate that? You go to the bathroom at work and when you look in the mirror you notice a hair that is a foot long just hanging off your chin or side of your face and your husband, if you have one, hasn't said anything? I want to shoot him as soon as I get home. And he says something ridiculous like, "I didn't notice it!" How the hell do you not see a foot long hair on the side of someone's face? I have learned the most important thing in my purse is a pair of tweezers. I carry them everywhere I go. You just don't know when or where you will be when that hair suddenly shows itself!

Women are so blessed. We get to experience life through PMS, child birth, Menopause and then dementia. But at least we have good times if lucky enough, in between. And lets be honest, it isn't easy for our husbands or boyfriends either, after all, they have to live in constant fear of what and when is something going to set us off.

Yes, I am happy to be on these hormones. I only wish I hadn't waited so long. But oh well. Can't look backwards. Just need to move forward and start looking for new interests and joys for this period in my life.