I know Whats Best for You; So I Thought

I have been living under the assumption that I know what is best for those close to me. What will make them happy or better people. I owe these loved ones an apology. Who am I to tell others what is best or how they should do things? I don't even know half the time what is best for me! There are still so many parts to myself that need cleaning up, brushing off and building anew. I am told this takes a life time. Well I don't have a life time anymore. I am at the end of my life time. The last part you might say. So I have this anxiety going on as to how to accomplish and change the things I desire within the time span  I do have. Assuming of course that I don't get killed tomorrow in a freak accident. Then I guess there won't be any need to worry about this trivial matter. But for now I am alive and as far as I know still have some years left in which I would like to be different. Better.

Tonight I will be attending an art show where a dear friend is showing her painting. I am looking forward to dressing up, Fedora and all. This is my opportunity to begin wearing what I want to wear without the concern of what  might think. "Might think". It just occurred to me that I don't even know what others "might think"! I automatically assume it will be negative. Maybe, just maybe it will be positive! When I see people dressing creatively I think positive thoughts, why can't I believe this could be true when I am looked at? Once again I am learning something about myself. I always assume the negative where others opinions of me are concerned. That will be worked on for sure. OK back to the subject at hand.

I have always been in awe of those who wear and do things I never had the courage to wear or do but always wanted to. You know, the crazy colorful outfits, going to the theatre or on a trip somewhere exciting without any thought that they could not do so. It never occurs to people like this that what they want to do cannot be done! They aren't people-pleaser's, they live for themselves. They are creative, outgoing free spirits. They are the very species I want to evolve into. This is what I am striving to become as I continue to grow into my own. It is who I believe I was created to be. And the first step to allowing myself this freedom is to continue surround myself with those who are the same. Not with those who want me to conform to the "acceptable" or what they perceive to be "proper". Who the hell wants to be proper all the time. And truth be told, for those who know me, I have not always been what you would consider proper anyway.

Growing up I had always felt like the  outsider. Our family was the family no one wanted to be associated with in too close a relationship. And we were certainly not accepted right away into our new neighborhood when we first moved in. We were "different" to many people. In a negative way. I never felt like I was truly accepted by those I hung out with. Friends were always trying to change me or make me better some how. I know it was out of kindness, that they felt they were doing me a favor. But in reality all they were telling me was, you are not good enough, let me fix you up. And I continue to do that to those close to me without realizing I am doing it. At the same time, I continue even as an adult at times, to allow others to try and fix me. Anytime I try to change something in someone or they me; we are telling each other, "you aren't good enough yet, let me show you how to be "good enough", or, "do this and you will be acceptable." I guess some of it is the society we live in. Always having to have or be more.

This has been a rude awakening to see in myself. To realize and admit that I am just as guilty of shaming others as others have done to me. Thankfully we can stop old behaviors if we choose to. We can stop allowing others to tell us what to change as well. It just takes acknowledgement that it is going on and the willingness to change it. Not to mention a lot of courage and self-honesty.

The more I try to "fix" others or change them, the more my life gets crazy and I become filled with anxiety and worry. The "What ifs" I have mentioned before come back stronger than ever. Wanting to control someone or something becomes an obsession. Its during these times that one of two things happen; my house becomes messier and more cluttered. Or cleaned really well. If I can't control the people and situations around me then by golly I will find something I can control. Of course this just starts the whole vicious cycle over again and until I myself am finally out of control! Until I can relax or a friend reminds me, that I really am powerless to change others, my life is quite a mess. I have to accept that I cannot change people, places or things if I am to have true serenity in my life. And this is true about being who I really am. Until I can accept who I am and start living as myself, I can not have true serenity, true inner peace. I am too busy trying to meet others expectations of who they think I am or should be, or trying to change others to achieve these things.

So the question of late has become. What is more important to me in my life today? To be myself which will bring serenity and inner peace. Or, changing and controlling others, to be accepted by others even if it means changing who I am. I choose the first choice. And slowly I am gaining the courage within to be myself. As I learn what I enjoy and fill those enjoyments, I become happier inside, I like myself more. I smile more and can hold my head up because I am no longer living a lie. That is what I am doing when I am not living true to myself, I am living as an impostor.  

Little by little, very slowly, I am learning it is ok to be who I am. And that can be someone different as I grow and change. And this is not to say it is easy or not at all frightening. Of course I am scared at times. There is always the risk of losing relationships anytime you choose to change. People have come to know me and love me for who I am and as I change, they may not like this new person. This person they can no longer manipulate or control. My interests are changing and it would be natural for me to want to be around those who share the same interests and who will introduce me to possible new experiences I will find I enjoy. All this makes life seem more appealing and exciting to me. I don't want to spend another moment envying others who live and experience things in their lives. I want to be those people! This of course does not mean all my relationships will end. Not everyone in my life has wanted to change me or manipulate me into doing things they want, I am not that weak a person. I have some terrific women in my life and they are the ones that have been helping me see these things in me that I don't like, but need to see just the same if I want to be a better me.

Slowly, as I pray each day to my Creator within, I gain more courage to change what I can. I take the focus off what others are or are not doing and put it back on me. Truthfully though, it is the spirit within that is doing the changing, not me. I believe this because every morning on my way to work I pray for courage to change what I can in my life and I am seeing results, so how can I deny this Creator the credit for the changes occurring within on a daily basis?  I know it isn't me. I don't have it in me not to want to impress or please others, it is too ingrained in me.

You know what? I find the more I do this the more I like who I am! Funny how that works. The person I am becoming is creative, fun, intelligent and kind. Whats not to like? Sure, I have a long ways to go; I still have flaws that need to be dealt with. But its important I am learning, to see the good in each of us as we work towards ridding ourselves of the things that are not so appealing. That harm ourselves or others even when we don't mean to.

The message I started out with is really what I want to impress upon the reader. And on myself. It is time for me to stop trying so hard to change others, and keep the focus on changing myself. So I guess I will continue to pray each day for the courage to change those things within me that need changing. To trust that my Creator within loves me enough to help with this. After all isn't this what its all about? Life changes?

Being an Individual within a relationship, is it possible?

As an individual who am I? What excites me? What are my interests and joys outside my marriage?  Do I have what it takes to find out? Do I have the courage to move outside my little area between home and work? Am I ready to be an individual? I have friends, we have friends. But not in relationships that make you look at yourself and make you grow in yourself. My life is safe with no complications and changes to be had. And I must say I am learning quickly it is no longer a life I am comfortable in. I learned last night I want more. I guess I have know for a while, just wasn't ready to admit it to myself, never mind the world. That would mean doing something. And that would mean taking risks and facing challenges. Ok and yes, energy. Let me share how this all came about.

Last night I was at a play with two friends. One of them said I had to get out of my comfort zone. Get out and experience things on my own. This morning I thought on it for a while and realized yes, it is time to take that risk and find out who I really am as an individual. I know my role as a wife, as an employee and responsibilities it takes  to fill in these roles. I have friendships and know who I am most of the time with these friends. But as an individual, do I know who I am? What I want to become and to do while I am able? Most important, do I have what it takes to be an individual? To experience new adventures on my own. To take risks without falling back on my husband and friends to tell me who I am or what I need to do. Can I step outside my comfort zone and risk making mistakes or taking a wrong turn now and then? Do I have the most important factor in becoming an individual with her own ideas and fulfilling her desires, courage.

This morning as I reflected on what my friend said I came to see clearly just how dependent I truly had become on one person. How much I handed over because he was so willing to take it. And I also realized just how comfortable I had become in sticking to my little area in life, I had become secluded in my home and work area, never venturing out alone. I kept finding things my husband would enjoy doing with me. Never realizing until last night that there were things I would like to do and try as an individual. Yes, I have friends that I go hiking with or have dinner with; safe things. But what about going out and venturing alone to the museum or theatre when there is no one to go with? What about driving downtown to an art show? I could get lost and never found. I could become a homeless person with a car to sleep in!

How does one become an individual in a marriage relationship? I have heard and come to believe that we cannot fill all the needs of our spouses. No one person can have all the same interests or passions of another; we are different in many ways and have different interests. What I have done for the most part is put my individual away in the closet somewhere. Slowly over the years I forgot she even existed. Until last night that is. Last night she woke up in such a way I cannot explain. And all it took was going to a live play. When those actors and actresses came out on the stage I felt this sense of excitement and happiness I had not felt in such a long time. I laughed and cried at the same time from the strong emotions within me coming out. I could not contain the joy of being at a live play with live actors and actresses. It was a night of such laughter I hurt and cried from the comedy. It was a fun night out with a couple girlfriends. It struck me on the way home that I had done something my husband had no interest in and I enjoyed myself! I enjoyed myself outside my marriage and did not feel guilty! I wasn't sitting there wishing he had come or worrying that I was being selfish. As a matter of fact I didn't think about him at all and this was different for me.

This morning I realized there was an individual within trying to push herself out. There was no more holding back this creative, intelligent woman any longer. (This idea is becoming a regular theme in my life lately). Yes, this brought up fear and a sense of dread. After all it meant I would be venturing into a whole new world. I am beginning to believe it is ok to have my separate life away from my husband. It was ok to have passions that he did not have. I could still fill my passions and interests without him. Just as he could fill his without me. And if he had no interests outside the home, well that was ok too! It did not mean I could not pursue interests and have outside activities separate from him. We have things we enjoy doing together. So why have I been afraid to seek out my own interests as well? Why haven't I seen myself as an individual with her own needs and passions? Because I was afraid.

Fear as I have mentioned before rules my life sometimes. I allow it to keep me in my safe little world. I do not venture past a certain area of town. I do not go to movies alone or seek outside interests with friends. Most importantly, I have not seriously persued writing as something to grow in and to make a big part of my life. And yet, I truly believe deep down I have so much I could share and help others with. My life experiences, some of which are difficult to talk about or acknowledge are the very things that need to be shared. Why? Because there are others out there who are just like me. Who feel they are the only ones who feel insecure, afraid, not good enough. And so we stay in our safe little worlds where we belong. We are not good enough to play with the "big" people. We are not in the right classs of people to show up in certain entertainments. Lies. All lies my friends. Today I can no longer sit back and be the person I thought I had to be. I can no longer pretend sitting home and being a house wife was good enough. As much as I love my husband and being with him; I also long for a life separate from him. I want to live as an individual within a marriage. Is this possible? Can two people live together and yet live as individuals?

Last night something woke up inside me that can no longer be contained. After experiencing such joy and excitement being in that theatre watching live people acting on stage, I could no longer contain the happiness inside. I laughed so hard it hurt. I felt a sense of joy and freedom I had lost long ago. And it was all my doing. Little by little throughout the last 18 or 19 years I have given up my individuality. I handed myself over piece by piece without realizing I was doing it! My wonderful husband took over areas in the relationship because he didn't mind and enjoyed doing things for me. But what this did was take away who I was. How? Well lets see.

I stopped filling my car with gas. I stopped running to the store for small items because he was willing to do it. We each do our own laundry (I have no plans to change that by the way), he does the grocery shopping. What do I do? I help clean up the house when needed. I go to work, I go out to meet with friends, I lie on the couch and watch silly reality television, I read, and I complain about not having a life. Whose fault is that? Who allowed herself to disappear?

So this week I filled my own car with gas and I stopped at the store for a few items instead of asking my husband to; (or mentioning I was out of gas knowing he would offer to go fill it). It is as if I am suddenly growing up all over again. It is amazing how easily I was able to let go of areas in my life, including our financial affairs and just let him do it all. I thought this was great. I had no worries. I wasn't asked or expected to do anything I wasn't comfortable doing. And the less I did the more uncomfortable I became doing things. I slowly went from being an independent self sufficient (to a degree) woman to a dependent, fearful woman who doesn't go outside her little area. A woman who stays in her safe little box. Wow, this was an eye opener let me tell you. I did not like what I was seeing at all. I was no longer, nor had been for some time, an individual. I did nothing outside my comfort zone. I tried always to find things my husband would enjoy doing with me. I thought that was how it worked. I did not realize until last night, while out with these two good friends, that I could have outside interests and do things by myself that did not include my husband or even my friends. I could do things I enjoyed all by myself. I could be a grown up and still enjoy the benefits of marriage and friendships.

I wonder how many people go to a play and learn something so huge about themselves. I became so alive at that theatre. The exciting, creative, fun person inside wanted out and wanted out bad. The brave little girl was ready to come out and play. And the fearful, somewhat insecure adult was now willing to let her. Actually wanted her to come out and play.

Individual. Wow. It is amazing that one word could stir up so much inside me. that a simple word, individual, could wake up things inside me I didn't know existed. There is no turning back now if I am to be happy. I can try to go back to being a housewife, an employee, a friend and leave it there. But I will not be happy. Not truly happy. I have woken up the woman inside that wants to experience new things, go to new places and to do these things alone or with girlfriends who share the same excitement and interests. I want to know it is ok to have interests outside my marriage. How much fun would it be to be able to come home and have something interesting to share with each other? 

Yes, I finally realize I am an individual with her own interests, passions, and sense of adventure. I want to do things and see things I haven't. they don't have to be extravagant or huge. Like going to this play last night. That wasn't huge, but it was a new experience, a thrill and I learned something about myself I didn't know before; I love the theatre! I love everything about it; the stage, the costumes, the live actors on the stage. I want to experience more of it. Maybe even be in a play just once! Going and enjoying this evening has made me wonder what other activities I have missed and may have enjoyed and loved. I don't want to miss out anymore. I don't want to be dependent on anyone any longer. From now on it is about "sharing" in my marriage, instead of depending on him. It is shameful to admit how much I have taken him for granted. How easily I allow him to do things for me. It is time to say "thank you but I can do it" once in a while.

I need to get off the couch and experience little things that lead up to the big things. I want to take back some responsibilities and be a grown up. It is healthier. No one should be completely dependent on another person to do all things in a relationship. It should be shared. And then there needs to be individual time for individual interests a part from one another. This is both frightening and exciting at the same time. I am growing up all over again. Or maybe I am finally growing up!

Life has a new meaning to me now and with the help and support of my husband and wonderful friends I know and now believe I can be and do whatever I choose to be and do. The only one stopping me is me. If I continue to be bored, angry or frustrated with my life it is my doing. Only I can take responsibility to change what needs to be changed. And with the help of my Creator I can become the individual I was created to be. I just have to continue to take risks and walk through the fears that come up.

We each have our very own Creator within us.

When I was a little girl of about ten I think, perhaps a little younger. When does a child start catechism? Anyway, I remember how excited I was to be going to Saturday bible class. I never remember what was taught or said, I only remember the excitement each week of getting on the bus to go to church class. I hear others who remember stern nuns slapping their hands for wrong doing; or strict teachers yelling at them. I do not recall any of this. The only thing I remember about those years was the excitement of knowing that one day I would devote myself to God and become a nun. It was so much fun and fulfilling to memorize all those prayers! I just knew in my innermost being I wanted to belong to God and God alone. I felt strongly about this for a few more years. Many nights I would look out my bedroom window up at the sky and talk to God. Somehow I just knew He loved me and cared about what happened to me. We had a special connection, he and I. A personal one. And it was my secret.

But then things began to change and I could no longer look up at the sky and believe God cared. I begged for help and even begged to come home to Him. But each day I awoke to face another day of fearing the unknown. I remember one day praying in the bathroom on my knees for God to reveal himself to me; telling him I had to know he existed, begging him to show himself. I even promised him I wouldn't tell anyone if  he did, yeah right, like that would happen! but I needed him to show up so I could believe and get through whatever the future held. I remember kneeling there in the dark terrified he would actually show up! Of course he didn't. Then I got into other spiritual paths and they didn't help my relationship with God, I even tried seances that I swear to this day worked, just not in the way I expected. But God? He never appeared. And as I drifted into a lifestyle of party's, drugs, and drinking God disappeared completely. This would be my life from the age of 13 to 19. Years I will regret, but no longer judge myself for. They were years of anger, distrust and yes even hate towards this God I had loved as a child. How could he be so mean? Why did he not love me? The only answer could be he did not exist.

At the age of 19 my life took another twist and I "straightened out".  I started talking to God again and slowly my belief in him returned. I began searching for truth and started visiting church again, a different church. I got very involved and did whatever I was told so I would not go to hell. I talked the talk, tried to walk the walk, but failed miserably. The truth is, never in all the years from 19 til now could I convince myself that the bible was the one and only way to God. That the resurrection spoken of truly happened. Then a spiritual awakening occurred one day as I was standing and singing a song; suddenly I stopped singing and the thought came, "I don't believe this! I don't believe any of this!" At that moment I had become completely honest with myself in regards to my faith in God. I knew and, here is the important part, I accepted  I was not a true believer in Christianity. I did not believe what was being taught and this was what was causing my spiritual turmoil and struggle over all these years. I was too busy looking to others for my own faith and trying so hard to believe what they were teaching that my Creator couldn't catch my attention!

True spiritual faith for me has to come from within myself or it isn't real. And if it isn't real to me I cannot live it.  I was no longer living a lie. I was no longer trying to believe something I just could not. That moment was the beginning of living a life of honesty. Being honest with myself about what I believed and who I wanted to become. That morning a year and a half ago I gave myself the greatest gift a person can give herself, and that is the freedom to begin learning and accepting who she is and what she is all about. It has caused some difficulty in relationships and as I continue to grow and change in all areas of my life it continues to change my relationships; yet all I can truly say to this is that as big a risk as it feels for me; it is totally worth the joy and confidence that it is developing in me. It has and continues to feel like a snake. Always shedding off the old skin and living in the new. Each time I learn something about me that is not who I am or want to be, I shed another layer.

On a daily basis my spiritual journey grows and changes. As this area changes, others areas in my life changes. Doubts and beliefs trade places on a constant basis. Questions arise during moments of reflections. But the one constant in my journey is that I never stop seeking. I seek my Creator's presence all the time and it never fails to show up in ways I hadn't been looking. You see, I can sit quietly for a long time and wait for the spirit to show itself. But it generally never happens in this manner. Generally I sense it when I am reading a book and a sentence pops out, and by the way, it doesn't even have to be a spiritual book! It could be a novel I am reading. Or, I could be driving to work and suddenly a thought will pop into my head and it will be the exact answer I had been seeking. But it didn't come until I really needed it. Other times I pick up on my Creator's presence during a conversation that is on a spiritual topic or discussion.

When I stop asking "You" to tell me about God, or to prove your faith to me; I am at peace. I am open to the Creator's voice within. When I stop believing "You" have the truth" an inner strength and confidence grows deep within my soul. It took much seeking, reading and attending different "Churches" to realize we all have to develop our own personal relationship with this inner spirit we seek. No one can give it to us. And it is so very important that I do not judge those whose beliefs or truths are different from mine. As they cannot judge my truth. It saddens me to know that because I do not believe in the resurrection people who love me dearly are so fearful of my damnation. Yet I must admit I respect their strength and faith in what they believe. But not everyone who claims to believe is showing their faith. We all fall short in our walks. But as long as we can truthfully say we are trying, then I believe our truth is real. I have many friends who are "Christians" that I love dearly and this is because they accept and love me even though I do not believe exactly as they do. they show their truth by their love of others, not judgement. They did not stop associating with me because I admitted I didn't believe. Nor did I feel the need to break away from those I grew to love. We are each continuing to live our beliefs as different as they may be.

There are times when I am upset or doubtful of my Creator's existence in my life personally. There are moments when I look around and ask, "why them and not me?" Why do some have such wonderful, good things come into their lives all the time and others do not? It just doesn't seem fair and I will get on the "pity pot" for a while or throw a spiritual tantrum. Then I get over it and remember that I must separate my spiritual journey from my worldly desires.

So I end this writing by saying I love this journey! I love seeking and constantly learning new things about myself and what I believe. I enjoy watching the growth of accepting who I was and what I had done in the past and loving her anyway. It is a blast to grow into this new, self-confident, creative women I was always meant to be. My belief for this moment is; A spiritual Being is a Creative Being.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness; Really?

Ok, I admit it, I live my life at times by what I 'feel" like doing or "don't feel" like doing. Its that three year old in me that says, "I don't wanna!" For instance, I still don't want to make the bed, so I don't. I simply pull the cover we use to keep dog hair off the bed spread and there you go, it looks made! Or how about the laundry. Now honestly. who likes to do laundry or dishes when you could be walking the dog, writing, knitting; or maybe your favorite show is coming on. I know it has to be done, and it gets done. Just not on a regular basis. Household chores are more of an "as need " basis. If it needs to be done I will do it. Or my husband will do it. Otherwise it can wait. If I don't need any clean laundry yet, why do a load when I can be outside with the dog or working on a craft? Really. I work all day, do I really have to come home and clean the house as well? Do it on the weekend you say? I don't think so. That's my time to relax and go have fun, or hang with my husband and watch a good movie. Take the dog on a hike. Why on earth would I waste a beautiful sunny day scrubbing a toilet? Or washing down windows or do laundry if I don't need to? And if its a rainy chilly day, well heck, that is the perfect kind of day to wrap up in a blanket on the couch and read a good book. Its all about priorities. Life has priorities. What is important to you. Now I am not saying people who have spotless homes are strange or that something is wrong with them; I admire that they have the energy to keep their homes clean and tidy. All I am saying is, it should also be ok if I don't keep my house spotless and tidy at all times. And yet, how many of us panic when someone shows up unannounced, and of course it is always on the day the house looks its worse! So I have finally found a solution to this problem. Don't  have friends. Just kidding. The solution for me is simply accepting this is who I am and there is no sense in trying to be someone I am not. I am not a good housekeeper. I am a good friend, wife, volunteer, employee. These are what I am good at. My friends who know me love me even when there is dust on the shelves and I haven't vacuumed in a while. We just sit and visit and have a good time. Isn't that what life is really about? Having a good time. Picking our priorities? Isn't it time to relax and leave the stress of impressing others to the younger generation? I think so. I am tired of comparing my house with the neighbors. My clothes with my co-workers clothes. etc. It just gets to a point of life being too short, and it gets shorter a lot quicker these days than it used to! So little by little I am letting go of things that aren't all that important anymore. And the big one today that I am practicing is, not worrying about what other people think. I hear it said over and over. "what other people think of me is none of my business." My business is doing the next right thing and having fun. It is not worrying about what others think.

Does anyone remember as a kid not being able to wait to grow up so you wouldn't have to do these things anymore? When you would be able to do as you pleased and have no one tell you to go clean your room, pick up your clothes or put away your shoes. I couldn't wait to be a grown up and do as I wanted. Not having anyone telling me I had to do something "or else". No one told me this wasn't how it worked. That if I wanted to have a home and food on the table I would have a boss telling me what to do on the job; or that if I wanted to stay out of jail there was certain laws I would have to obey. We will always have someone to answer to in one form or another as long as we are breathing. Maybe more so with some of us than others depending on circumstances. But most of that is just plain maturity and being responsible.

The issue I am addressing here is, what is really important? A perfect home or great times with friends? What brings me closer to God, cleaning my house and resenting the time it is taking, or leaving it and doing something creative that brings my thoughts to a spiritual level? Creativity and time spent with friends always brings me closer to my God. I see the Spirits love in a friends smile; I hear God's voice of encouragement in a book I am reading at the time. I sense the Spirits energy as I sit and create. So excuse me if I don't buy the "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" thing. I wonder where it came from. Probably someone trying to get their kid to clean their room.

Most of us live our lives by what people in our society deems acceptable or religious. Or what we think others deem acceptable. We worry what others will think of us if they saw how we lived when no one is looking. The truth is; we all have days, maybe weeks, when we are just too darn busy to worry about making the damn bed or picking up the clutter around the house. What I want to know is, who makes up these rules? Who determines whether or not I am a good person because I did the dishes before leaving for work? Who decides I am a bad person because I left the bed un-made when I drove off to work? What is important here? Making a bed or giving your pet a walk or some play time before leaving for work?

Lets face it. We all have days where our homes look a bit cluttered. When clothes are on the bedroom floor, or books and papers are lying around on the tables or there is dust on the coffee table. (We have crafts lying around undone that we are "going to get to"). Then we hurry and run around frantically when company is on their way. My husband and I joke that it is a good thing we have friends come over for game night once a month because it gives us the push to give the house a real thorough cleaning.

I wish I could be a better homemaker. I wish I cared enough to have a clutter free home. It would be nice to come home and not see stuff lying around. But the truth is, I don't wanna do it. Either I am too tired when I get home from work or have other projects that are more important to do, crafts to make for people, take my dog for a nice walk after being cooped up all day. Maybe go meet with friends after work. I just don't have the energy to keep a spotless house and work full time and do the things I enjoy. So something has to give. We need my income if we want to have the house and eat. So not working isn't an option. I enjoy my social life and being with friends, so giving that time up isn't an option. So I guess the only other option is to accept this is who I am today and how I choose to live my life. It isn't like I have rats running around or cobwebs hanging off the ceilings. Oh yeah, I did find a couple this weekend in a dark corner of the hall way; but its gone. I don't want to give spiders the idea they are welcome here.

Every day I tell myself I am going to set up a schedule. Each day I will take 10 minutes to do a room; dust, iron, clean the bathrooms etc. If there was a schedule then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to have a clean home and still enjoy life after work. But it hasn't happened yet. Not sure it ever will. So I will just continue to do what I want to do and not do what I don't want to do. I will be that grown-up I couldn't wait to be that no one could boss her around anymore. I will do the things that bring me joy and continue to keep friends who accept me just the way I am, dust, clutter and all. So if you are in the neighborhood and not afraid of a little mess, then please, by all means, drop on in. You are always welcome in our home. But if a little dust or clutter bothers you, you might want to keep on walking or driving by. We don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, including ourselves!  I hate that embarrassing feeling after someone has dropped by to say hello or give me something and it is the very day I had pulled laundry out of the dryer and thrown it on the sofa and got busy doing something else. The visitor doesn't know I just pulled it out, they just see the pile of clothes on the sofa. People don't understand people like me. I start one project and my thoughts go to another project so I drop what I am doing to go take care of what just popped into my head and on and on it goes. Like a hamster in a hamster wheel. I am always going from one thing to another and eventually I complete nothing and create more clutter to pick up later. It is like being a hamster on a wheel sometimes. I just go around and around and get nowhere where house work is concerned.

I will say this though; I did come home and iron and put a couple things away today. Walked the dog a little further than usual and now wrote this silly little post. And I have to admit it felt pretty darn good to have accomplished something. I have set a goal. I know, here she goes again with goals. I am going to set a few minutes each evening after work to do one small chore. But not if it interferes with my after work walks with Maddie, my precious dog. I will see if I can accomplish the main goal of getting the house completely organized and picked up and then keeping it that way. Perhaps setting a schedule would work after all. but first, lets see how well this idea works. But! I am still not going to make the bed before I leave for work. I just refuse to do something I am going to have to undo later. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me but it is. Actually, it is what started this post. Listening to a women talk about how bad she felt because she didn't have time this morning to make the bed before she left for work and it was driving her crazy. I didn't get it. Who was going to tell on her? Who was going to even know if she hadn't said anything? I just didn't get the big deal. Others did; but then others like me thought, who cares? Get back to work.

So, now I have a few minutes left before it is time to go to bed. I could clean up a little more. NOT! I would rather go lie down and catch up on the this month's book club book.

Fifty Seven going on Seventeen

When does it stop. I always believed that mind would mature and age along with my body. That as my body "matured", so would my mind. Where did this silly notion come from? Instead I find my body aging and my mind slowly digressing backwards. Not maturing at all! OK, maybe not completely true.

Last night after my bath, I noticed something that made me want to scream, "who took my body!" There were all these little purple things on my legs, lines and wrinkles where firm skin used lay. Sore body aches where firm muscles used to be. And to top it all off, my hair is doing this weird thing lately. Instead of laying shiny and thick, it is frizzy and course. And there are these gray streaks mixed in with the brown that I swear I did not put there! But if I start pulling them out, which I considered, I would then be bald! I had my nails done a week ago in hopes of making my hands pretty. Then realized all  I have managed to do is draw attention to hands that are becoming arthritic and veins showing through the thin skin. I understand now when someone says, "He has old hands." I am just not sure how to wrap my head around all these changes my body is going through without my permission. And I certainly can't seem to get my thinking to mature so it is the same age as my body. My husband who is the least vain person I know, he is one of those people I want to throw a rock at, he is not self conscious about his body at all and will walk naked into the bedroom after a bath as if he were a handsome hunk of twenty. Of course being the loving supportive wife that I am, I say nothing and smile up at him and say "hey handsome". I wonder to myself, do I look as old to him as he to me, is he thinking the same thoughts and just being sweet when he whistles at me?  I find myself  more and more trying to get dressed before he see's me. How is that for being vain in a different manner?  It is not so difficult to understand why women spend so much money avoiding the inevitable; growing old which means looking old.

I think like a twelve year one day, a seventeen year old the next. (I have to admit I act like a twelve year at times as well). What does a fifty or sixty year old think like? Anyone know? Anyone care to share? Somehow I believed that when I reached this age I would no longer concern myself with things such as how my hair looks, or have I gotten fat?  I would just finally be able to relax and enjoy my life. I do have to admit this is happening in subtle ways which I will share later in this post, I am just whining right now.

Unless your spouse is ten or fifteen years younger than you, it is even harder to pretend your body is not getting older. When I see my husband aging physically, it is a wake up call that he too is seeing my body age as well. And this really makes me want to scream "I want my young body back! I would not bother myself about such vanity after forty, so I thought. I am just as vain now as I was in my younger years. However, there is some differences.

You would never catch me walking the dog in my pajamas, or running to the store without make up. Today, I throw on a coat and walk the dog. After all who is going to notice at 6am what I am wearing? And in the grocery store do the clerks or other customers give a hoot if I put on make up or not? The cool thing, only thing maybe, about being older is that people really aren't looking at you much anymore. Sadly they are focusing on the younger prettier, sexier ladies. The competition is gone. Unless of course you are in your senior years and still competing to look twenty. I am sorry to inform you that as we age, things that looked attractive in our twenties and thirties no longer appear attractive. Just silly. And when we try to dress like a twenty year old, you do attract attention. The attention though is not positive. Instead of admiring your long legs in a short skirt, they are laughing at that "old" lady trying to look cute. Yes, old. Remember when you were young, in your late teens early twenty's? People in their fifties and sixties were considered old. They may as well have been eighty to us. My husband and I notice it more and more. At work my husband is teased about being the "old guy" in the field. Young clerks call me mam, the polite ones anyway.

I am still immature in some of my attitudes. I sulk when I don't get my way. I have a temper tantrum when people don't treat me the way I think they should or don't drive fast enough. I continue to want what I want when I want it, no patience in this lady. So how does one grow-up?  Do you copy another's behavior that appears grown up? I tried that. Felt like a phony and didn't feel it inside. I wasn't finding out who I was as a grown-up, I was just pretending to be someone else. And that someone else wasn't always the best person to be I would find later.

So I did some investigating. I began questioning other women my age or older about their mental status. Did they feel their age? Most said they too thought like a kid. Still wanted things they enjoyed as teen agers. Others were comfortable in their own skin (wrinkled and all) and just accepted it as part of the circle of life. These were the ones I wanted to be like. I am tired of the Cathie who is always trying to be like that gorgeous fifty year old who never ages. Lets face it, the more make up some of us put on our faces, the older and sillier we look. I am at the place in life where "less is best."

What I am learning to do is think before I try to do something. I must ask myself, is this the twelve year old that wants to run around the block? Can the present fifty something do it without causing injury or pain? It is sad when I feel sore after hiking two miles when just last year I was hiking four to five up hill! unfortunately my body has more control over my life these days than my mind.

Yes, being in my fifties is beginning to show in many ways physically; and I have two choices. Continue to judge myself harshly which I have always done; or accept myself lovingly for the wonderful woman I am growing into. There are days when I feel like a grown up and am allowing her to develop her own interests and joys in this life. It takes practice, it takes being uncomfortable and at times making others uncomfortable who are not used to the new confident older woman I am growing into.
As I write this post I am made aware of the many changes that have occurred in the past year and many are good. Living life on life's terms can really be a good thing to practice. I believe I will continue to work on this.

Doctor/Patient relationship, is it gone for good?

Just back from cataract surgery. Another reminder I am no longer 30 years old. As I sat in the waiting room I noticed a lot of white haired older patients waiting for the same surgery. And in the pre-op room we were all lined up ready to get our turns.

The doctor came in, assumed I knew he was my doctor, I had only met him once a couple months back and did not recognize him. He simply came in and put a mark over my right eye so he would do the procedure on the correct eye. In the procedure room he simply came in and began his job of setting me up and began the procedure without a word. I had to ask if he was Dr. so and so. He never talked until it was over and simply said, "it's done, you did a great job." That was it. I will never see this surgeon again until it is time to have the left eye done. My post op will be with my regular eye dr. I left in awe of how quickly all this took. And a little disappointed that I didn't get a hand shake or simple, "Good luck now." He simply moved on to his next patient. I was forgotten as soon as he left me and went to the next patient.

This was simply another reminder of how insignificant we all are when it comes to the medical world. We are account numbers or patient's with no names. There is no personal connections between patient and doctors these days and I suspect as technology continues to advance it will become even less. As I get older I am not naïve enough to not know I will become less important to be treated than if I were a 20 year old. Everything will be chalked up to arthritis or some other older persons disease to treat and/or dismiss.

It is sad really. I miss having doctors who took just a few minutes to talk to you and make you feel you matter, to encourage you, yes even hold your hand a moment to say "you will be fine". But this is not to be I suppose. Doctors have so many patients now and need to keep patient ratio up in order to cover their costs because insurance companies are demanding more and more paperwork and charting before they will reimburse the doctor. Even good doctor's like my PCP, are loaded up with patients,  and although she gives me the time I need, she still has to hurry. And have you noticed, the doctor is on the computer with their backs to you inputting information as you state your symptoms and complaints?  Once again due to the demands of insurance company compliance. Yes, I miss the days when the doctor could sit and actually look at me, not the computer when I share my concerns or present situation. I felt I mattered and important enough to listen to. That my health was important to the doctor. Today,  I feel insignificant. As patients we are made to wait out turns even though we show up on time; then quickly dismissed so the doctor can move on to the next patient.

Insignificant. That word is coming up more and more in my life. Others in my age group or older share they have the same feeling about themselves in the world; that they are not considered important or significant in the events of life, church, group gatherings, work place. Our new world appears to be geared towards and run by the younger generation who do not want us older folks around. We aren't up to date or no longer "fit in" with the times. In their eyes, and perhaps in the eyes of the medical field, we are "in the way". Not worth the younger generations attention. This can be discouraging. Has it always been this way and I just didn't recognize it because I was the younger generation back then? As I sit here writing this out, I realize I have a choice. I can live out my life feeling and acting insignificant or out of touch with the growing times. Or I can continue trying to learn what I need to learn on the computer and media world. I can chose how I want to be seen and treated instead of accepting the false truth of the technological generation. And that is what I intend to do. I can be the victim or I can do whatever it takes to keep up and continue learning new things. Find things in this busy world to feel I still have something to contribute; I can find the things that bring joy into my life and do them. And if I need medical attention, I will simply speak up and will accept that this area of my life is also changing and I can fight it, complain about it or just accept it and move on.

There are doctors out there who care about their patients and I believe they are just as frustrated with the lack of time they can spend with each patient. I am sure they too, are saddened by the fact that time is so short and there is so much documentation to be done that some simply choose to stop practicing and move onto some other area where they feel they are doing something important. They too must be so frustrated with all the state requirements and Medicare requirements they have to adhere to that takes away from patient/doctor time due to the amount of paper work needed to be completed in order to get paid. So what is left but to get as many patients through the door as possible in order to make money. And we, the patient, who is paying so much out of pocket deductibles in order to get medical attention, are treated quickly and impersonally. I am positive, perhaps naïve too, to believe my doctor really does care about my well being and that it is the insurance companies and large corporations I need to vent my frustration towards. Although this doesn't explain away my surgeons coldness towards me, his patient. He seemed so nice in the office; of course I was his last patient of the day before he was leaving for his trip to New Zealand.

But, I am grateful to be one of the few who still has good insurance and the opportunity to have the cataract surgery done. It will be months of payments, but if it turns out well, it will be worth it. I will not take this gift for granted; I know there are millions of people out there who do not have this opportunity and are legally blind simply because they do not have insurance or money to have what they need to be treated medically. My heart goes out to these people.

Alone time is not just a desire, it is NEEDED!

Sunday morning and I don't know want to get out of bed. Its quiet in here by myself. You wait for the day your kids grow up so you can have some "alone time" There is just one catch to this, you forget that you are still living with someone. And, as long as you choose to live with someone you will seldom have quiet time to yourself. Even when he is sleeping my wonderful husband cannot help it, he makes noise by snoring Just the other day as he was napping after work, I found myself staring at this man and wondering, is this it? Is this the rest of my life? Never having time to myself  more than once a month for a few hours? Is my job the last job I will have the rest of my working life? This could stink big time. Its not exactly what I planned. OK, I never really sat down and planned how I wanted my life to be, or dreamed of how it would be. But if I had I am pretty sure it would not be like this. I did believe as a young girl at one time of growing up and becoming a writer or artist. But that quickly vanished as I got into my teens and took a path of which I am not proud of. Anyway, I really got to thinking about this situation. I have been learning of late that I am the only one who can change a situation I am not happy or comfortable in. Don't go jumping the gun people. I am not considering a divorce, not right at this moment anyway.

Sometimes I resent that I don't have more days to myself to do as I please without being interupted or listening to noise.Time to myself is something I need. Not just desire. And it really is for his own protection as well. Lets face it, happy wife, happy life. When its been a while since I had a day to myself you can sense the tension in the air. He can do nothing right. Every word that comes out of his mouth gets a sharp reply. Out of no where I start ranting at how selfish he is, how unfair it is that he gets so much time to himself when I work on a Sat. afternoon or go to socials.  All the things I let slide for months comes flying out of my mouth. It is like having an evil woman living inside me who gets lose  and takes over. No matter how I try to keep her bottled in, she escapes and there is no stopping her. Some say this is just part of menopause. I say menopause my ass. He needs to know these things so he can change and I can be happy! To which some lady who is not married, will say, "Now Cathie, you are being unfair, you knew this when you married him." I just spit in her face and walk away. (In my mind of course).  The simple fact is, I am a selfish woman who needs her own space and who does not always "play well with others." There is this woman in me who likes to have her own way when she wants it. Not when it is convenient for others who are involved in her life. After all, hasn't everyone learned that life is about me? Perhaps I need to send out another memo.

Maybe I wasn't meant to cohabitate with someone. Maybe I am suppose to be in a relationship where we each have our own place but get together for "special" visits and fun time when it suits both of us. Wouldn't that be the perfect arrangement? Oh come on now. Its not that I hate my husband or want to get rid of him. And I am pretty darn sure he has these thoughts at times as well. After all, by now if you have been reading my blogs you will certainly know I too, am not the easiest person to live with. He just happens to get more time to himself than I do so of course I get resentful. And rightfully so I would imagine.

So, how can I change my life in a way that I can be happy and content. Without having to put much effort or time into it. Remember, I am not a disciplined, "go get em" kind of person. Nor do I have the financial means to hire someone to do it all for me. So, I need to get creative. I mean lets be real here, I love this pain in the butt guy with all my heart, I just need to get him to change a few things so we can have the perfect relationship, you know the kind; where it all goes according to Cathie's plan. So what creative ideas can I come up with for this problem.

I could get up early on a Sunday afternoon and put a sedative under his tongue. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill the guy, just keep him asleep for a while so I won't be bothered while trying to write or watch a good movie. Of course first I would have to get it under his tongue and how do you do that when he is awake?  And will a sedative keep him from snoring? I think not. New idea.

Sometimes to get some Cathie time  I have to "go to my room". Why doesn't he come in here and I have the whole house to myself for a while? He says he will, but that would mean me telling him I want the house to myself, which would  then make me the bad guy for making him stay in the bedroom all day, which would make people fell sorry for him. No, it is better for me to be the martyr and him the spoiled child. 

So, here I am, looking around at this bedroom. And I get this idea. It has long counter with drawers and a little drawer on top. It is a vanity of sorts I believe. These were popular when this trailor was first built. Anyway, what if I take it over and give him the dresser. I could use it for my desk. It is far away enough from the living room to concentrate on what I am studying or writing, and it has plenty of room for my books, journal and another bookshelf. With a little creativity, I could have my own "Cathie's Space." And when I am ready to focus and not be disturbed, I can put a sign on the door, "Do not enter." We also have another room off the living room we are making into a craft room. I can sew and he can do his woodcarving crafts. But first we need doors to keep the cats out. Oh. Look, just as I am into this post he is now home from grocery shopping. Once again, impeccable timing. See, when we get the room rearranged, this won't matter because I will be left alone when he comes home from somewhere. Oh, well, I need to edit this anyway, so I will stop here and go buy myself a purse. That will make up for this horrible thing being done to my privacy invasion.

So, its been a while since writing this blog. I have rearranged the bedroom so I have "Cathie's Space" AND! I have a new work schedule where I can take a whole day off once a month and work all day Saturday, instead just four hours off a month work fours in the middle of the day Saturday. (We are required to work one Sat. a month). I am getting creative and all involved are benefitting. Maybe thinking things out can be a good thing. I learn to be a little less selfish, others get more of my good side. We shall see. I do need to get a higher seated chair for my new desk however.

Its funny how such a small thing can bring me more incentive to write and take myself a little more serious as a writer. I have gone through my journals and continue to jot things down on paper due to my strong love of pen to paper.