I'm going on a "real" vacation.

I am so frustrated, as usual, just as I get ready to write something on my blog, my husband walks in the door, the cat decides she is going to run all over me and the dog starts wanting in, then back out a hundred times. Whatever it was that I wanted or felt compelled to write goes out of my head. The concentration is gone. My sweet husband thinks going to the bedroom and reading is the answer; forgetting that it now leaves me to have to let the dog in and out. The dear man tries so hard to do the right thing that I can't stay upset with him. OK, I can, just not for long. Then there is the guilt of making him go to the bedroom to read so I can be left alone. There is only one answer and I have finally gotten him to agree. As soon as the bills are paid off from our upcoming trip, our top priority is going to be getting my own room completed with door and walls. It won't take much.  (I think he agreed because it will give him a break from my complaining and angry outbursts. For now I will just try to make the best of the situation and look for answers instead of feeling sorry for myself and getting so angry each time this comes up. I can hear a good friend asking me, "Cathie, how bad do you want this? What are you willing to give up to have "writing time?" Maybe I don't want it as bad as I make is sound. If I did wouldn't I make it happen one way or another? Yes I would. All this complaining about being interrupted and not having the  time are excuses to hide the real reason I don't write as much as I could; lack of discipline and perseverance. I want it to be easy, just as I do everything in my life. I am such a baby sometimes. There are times when people or things don't go my way that I throw tantrums like I just now. And then there are other times these things just don't matter and I go with the flow. Can I blame this on menopause for now instead of immaturity? I think I will.

There are solutions. I just choose to feel like the victim and complain about why I shouldn't have to be the one who is always having to change my schedule or be inconvenienced in order to get my needs met. It's times like this when that fantasy about owning a duplex, with him living on one side and me the other comes back. We would have our own places to do and decorate as we please and yet still be together when we want. Talk about a perfect world. Oh don't fret, he probably feels the same way, as you already gathered from previous journals, I am not a piece of cake to live with either. I believe deep down a lot of people probably feel the same way at times, they just don't want to admit it.

OK, the dog is in and laying in bed with the husband and the cat has calmed down. All is quiet except his snoring coming down the hallway. See, even when he is asleep he still manages to make noise! No problem, I can deal with this little thing. So back to writing what I had started to. Which is probably not worth all the previous ranting and raving. I am not even sure what it was I was going to journal about! Oh yeah, my up-coming vacation.

I will be traveling back east where I grew up in just a couple weeks. I haven't been back in fifteen years and that was not a good visit for a couple reasons, one being my dad was ill and I knew deep down it was going to be the last time I saw him alive. The last couple weeks have been very stressful and exciting all at the same time. People are getting tired of hearing my concerns and my changing the itinerary over and over. It was suggested (strongly) that I sit down and write out the itinerary and then leave it alone. To plan it out but to be flexible if it should change for some reason. You see, if it hasn't been noticeable yet, it will as time goes on and I continue blogging, that I am a control freak. I need to have a plan and know what to expect so I can plan for it at all times. Otherwise I am a basket case and drive everyone around me absolutely crazy to a point, I am sure, where they dread it when they see me coming. (I am willing to bet there are a few who are so grateful for caller ID). Unfortunately I am still fighting a  world where life doesn't always go according to Cathie's plan. Unexpected things continue to come up. And plans for this vacation are no exception.

First off, we were going to stay at a sister's house the whole time to save money on the hotel room. However, she forgot to mention there would be two kids and my older sister staying there as well, along with six dogs. So seven people sharing one bathroom seemed a little crowded for us, but her heart was in the right place. We knew our limits and decided it would be best to stay at a hotel part of the visit. Then another sister offered for us to stay at her place as long as we didn't mind sleeping on an air mattress and quite frankly that sounded like fun since we get along so well. (I don't know where I got that idea since we haven't seen each other in 15 years and even then it was for a very short time). Anyway, we then realized how much smoking would be going on in the house and I am highly sensitive to smoke; so we decided we would only stay a few nights then spend the rest of the time at a hotel. There all is well. We would have "our" time away when needed. But that too was not to be. We then found out that this sister is having health issues again and not really strong enough to have to worry about getting her house ready for visitors and keeping us entertained when there and, the air mattress had a hole in it so we would be sleeping on a blow up bed. She was very relieved when I suggested we stay the whole time at the hotel so she wouldn't have to get ready for us. This worked out well for us, we realized or I should say, I realized that it was probably best we had a place to go to when and if the need arises, I am sure we would all need a break from each other at times. However, this new plan has eaten up a great deal of our spending  budget. But again it has turned out for the best since both my husband and I love staying at hotels. I really do. I feel spoiled and free. It is getting away for a while from everyone. And there are a lot of things we can do at no cost or low cost, so it worked out for the best. Once again.  I know this probably sounds silly, since  the very person I was complaining about not having enough time away from earlier will be in the same hotel room; but come on, this is different, we will be on vacation! And we get our own big beds!! I love having my own bed and having it look nice every time we return to the room. Another part of a vacation I love so much. Not worrying about cleaning up.

So, I took my friends suggestion and sat down and wrote out an itinerary of the days and times we would be free to travel and site see on our own and the times we would be expected to spend with my sisters and their families. I still cannot believe I am journaling about going back East and seeing where I grew up and my sisters again. To finally be able to show my husband where I grew up and went to school and other areas of childhood. There has always been this little part of me that would get jealous whenever we would drive through an area where my husband would say, "this is where I did such and such." OK, a big part of me would get jealous. I wanted to be able to show him parts of my life. And now, here I am, planning to do just that! I had given up on this ever happening due to unforeseen financial problems constantly popping up. But one day a few months ago while he was at the computer, out of no where I decided the hell with it,  we were going back east and I told him so and we just went ahead and booked the flight. That's right, without a second thought (which is not like us with these types of decisions),  we took all our savings and booked our tickets. I just had this sense that if we didn't do it now we never would. I knew it would never be "the right time so why not just go for it and take a chance. And so far everything is falling into place. And so far things are beginning to  fall apart at the same time. The truck has decided to have problems, the washer is making horrible noises; and work is slow. I am trying not to stress out about the finances and trust the Creator in all this. To stop doubting the decision to take this trip. And so far the Creator is taking care of things just fine when I stay out of the way and let each thing go as it comes up. Of course that is after I have a few moments of panic, then I let it go.

My husband has never been to the east coast and wants to see the beaches more than historical sites so we will make Rhode Island a higher priority than Boston if we get to a point where we just can't do both trips in the short amount of time we will be there. But again, I am going to wait until we get there and see how things go. I did buy tickets for the tour bus to downtown NY, that will be the big trip! I am pleased my sisters have given us the freedom to travel while there, after all it is our vacation and we won't be back there again for a very long time if at all. Truth be told, we haven't really stayed too close in touch over the years, except when one of them was ill in the hospital or some other emergency came up. So I don't feel obligated to spend our entire time with family. Sad as that may sound. I love them, but in all honesty I have to admit my friends know me better than my sisters do and I don't really know my sisters as much as I do my friends. Its just the way it is; no ones fault really. But the fact remains they are my sisters and I am excited for the opportunity to see them and spend some quality time with them. It will be the first time my husband will meet all but one. That is exciting as well. I hope they will love him as much as I want them to. Another thing out of my control.

Vacations, real vacations are a lot of work when you are someone who needs to be control and have everything planned out. I have four lists going: a what to pack list, what to prepare list for my son who is caring for our pets, an outfits to pack list, and a To-Do list. I have a little notebook I am carrying around so I can write things down as they come up. Don't want to forget anything. No control issues here. I also don't know what I can take on the plane in a carry-on or how big the carry on can be. A friend is taking us to the air-port and I am trying to trust she will not be late. I am still learning to trust people to do what they say they will, as my experiences in that area has not turned out so well in the past. But I have begun to develop healthier relationships and need to give them my trust when they offer to do things for us. Like my neighbors helping out with pets in the mornings so my son doesn't have to come before work. Trust is not one of my strong suits, but that's for another post. Back to my up-coming trip.

This is our second real vacation in our twenty years together. The first was in San Diego when my son graduated form Marine boot camp. We had a wonderful week away by the ocean, it was the honeymoon we never got to have. I literally cried when on the way back the pilot announced we would be landing in Denver in 10 minutes. I didn't want to be back in Colorado; I wanted to go back to San Diego and the ocean and the fun. Not back to the dry air and the stress from our jobs. Now we are getting ready to fly to CT for six whole days! We will fly in late one night and leave early our last day, and have six whole days in between to travel around and see my sisters.

Is it normal to feel both apprehension and excitement at the same time? It is frustrating because I can't really do anything to get ready yet, like pack and fix meals for my son, still too soon for those things. However there is a lot around the house I can be doing but keep finding excuses not to. Then get stressed out because it isn't getting done. So today I finally got started on that "To Do" list.

Today was a productive day. I repotted some plants I have been needing to do for a while; got a load of laundry done and scrubbed down and cleaned out the bottom cabinet in my bathroom that I have been going to do for several months now and watered the plants and bird bath. But other than that I have done nothing but get on this site and write, which has taken about two hours, can't believe how quickly time goes whenever I am writing. I just love to write and then edit and rewrite. I could do it all day!  But now it is time to put the computer away and do some knitting before I take a bath and meet up with some friends.

I heard about a lady who is wanting to do a writers workshop and I am thinking about calling her and asking if she would be willing to help me with this blog, with my writing. I could use some critiquing and help as you no doubt already figured out. But I am afraid she will tell me what I have always feared. That I don't have writing talent. That although I love writing, I stink at it. But maybe if I try writing a couple short stories she will see I can write. I will continue to think about it and not make a decision or do anything just yet.

With all that is going on with planning for this vacation I am much too vulnerable to hear that I am not a writer and would be better off shutting down this blog to save me anymore humility. I can be so dramatic can't I? Always thinking the worse even when told the opposite. Maybe I should have gone to acting school. I would be so good in a drama movie. I would have made a great Scarlet O'Hara; 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn".

OK, not much time left so I better start on the dishcloth and continue to enjoy this quiet time I am having as he sleeps. Isn't it funny how a sleeping husband can be as innocent and cute as a sleeping toddler? Oh my I just realized, he did do the right thing going to the bed room! I have been enjoying quiet time this whole time while he, the dog and finally the cat are all asleep. God, forgive my whiney complaining earlier!

Perfect timing. I was able to go back and edit this post and am now finished and he just woke up and let the dog out. So he is on the computer playing his games and the dog is happily laying outside, for a few minutes anyway. I can knit and take a bath with him awake doing his thing no problem. Besides, when I get frustrated I just have to remember we are going on vacation soon. It will be here before we know it! Yay us! Now I can be one of those people who goes on a "real" vacation out of state!

Like a Giraffe

Did you know that when a baby giraffe is born his mother will knock him down each time he stands up and do this several times? It is for survival, so the baby will be able to get up quickly when needing to run from predators. Or so I am told. I also like the thought a dear lady once said to me. She said, Cathie, sometimes you have to stick your neck out once in a while and take a risk. Which also made me think about a giraffe's long neck. So naturally I now have an obsession, a love for giraffes. And I am practicing little by little each day for the past couple weeks, of doing something outside my comfort level. I am doing instead of thinking. Know what I mean? All my life I think and write about what I need to do and what needs to be changed. Lately I have actually begun to do things and find myself writing less. That is not what I intend to keep doing however. I want to continue writing, but about things that I am accomplishing not what I should be doing.  I am a worrier. I am fearful and used to living in the world of "what ifs". Lately I have been making decisions and doing things in spite of the fears and unnecessary concerns. And to be honest it gets really stressful at times. It doesn't come easy for me. But yet it also has a sense of pride and Wow!, I can really think and make decisions on my own and they work out alright! Ok, maybe not completely on my own, I did have to have some help talking it out and fretted quite a bit over it; but I finally made it and now I feel relieved and proud. Ok, I know you are wondering what this huge thing was. I know you will no doubt either understand completely or just think I am a nut case. That's ok. I am at times. The decision I was struggling over was whether or not to get off my husbands insurance and onto my own at my job. It was better to do this for many reasons but I just fretted so much over "what if" I made the wrong decision? What if I changed and suddenly lost my job? Or the company folded. Or "what if " I find out I can't keep my doctors? Oh my gosh what if my husband's company doesn't drop me in time, will I run into a problem having a claim paid?  I was worrying over things that one; hadn't happened yet and two, were out of my control should any of them happened. I am here to say, so far all is well and working out fine. But I stressed so much over it! Is it worth it really? Sticking my neck out is so stressful. Maybe I should learn to love the ostrich, then I could go back to sticking my head in the sand sort of speak and not deal with these issues. Continue to let my husband take care of everything. Unfortunately that is not an option for me any longer. At least not if I want to live life on my terms. If you have read any of my other blogs you know that I am determined to be a whole different person than who I have been. One who I can cherish and love being. This means falling down and getting back up. Sticking my neck out and risking rejection or failure. Giving up however, is no longer an option.

I met a wonderful lady last weekend that was so vivacious and fun, she had a room for meditation; lived in a wonderful tiny little town in an old house with a big yard. I saw her and immediately knew who I wanted to be! I am not saying I want to be her, but I saw myself through her. I saw the person I wanted to become. I suddenly realized and saw for the first time who I really am! Who I wanted to become. Creative, colorful, and most important free to be who I am. Since that weekend I have not been able to let go of the sense that there is a wonderful woman inside that is desperately wanting to be set free and I am keeping her locked inside out of fear no one will like her. No one will accept her. But is this truth?  Or is it just another excuse not to change? Is it another way to avoid the chance I will fail a few times and have to get back up. Am I too afraid to stick my neck out and see what happens? I can't blame other people or circumstances anymore for me not be truthful to myself. I am the only one who can change what I don't like about me. Thankfully I believe in a Creator who is a part of me and will give me the courage to do what I need to do in spite of the risks. And I know with certainty that if I continue to spend time with my spirit Creator, I will gain the courage and guidance to be who I was created to be in the first place. I will learn to be my own best friend. Wouldn't that be fun? To get up each day and be able to spend it with someone you are comfortable and happy to be with? Sounds crazy to some people I am sure. But its become so important to me to be my own best friend. After all, if I don't learn to accept and love me the way I am now, warts and all; how can I expect others to? If I don't respect myself, is it realistic to expect others to treat me with respect? It doesn't seem to work that way. If I wait until I am rid of all the things I dislike about myself I will never be a friend to myself because I am never going to be perfect.

So all this to say I am finally ready to be "like a Giraffe" and stick my neck out, and get up each time I try something and fall down, (instead of feeling sorry for myself and staying down). I won't look at things that don't work out as failures, I will simply get back up and try something else. I won't know right away who I am or feel good about, I have to try out different styles and hobbies to know what I really like and what suits me. You can't change overnight what you have believed and done all your life. Being a people pleaser for my entire life isn't going to disappear because I suddenly realized I wasn't being true to myself. I wish it were that easy. No, its time to be an adult and take responsibility for my own happiness. I am willing to do whatever it takes to become the woman I can wake up to each day and say, hi, I am Cathie and I like me! Sounds corny when I put it that way but I don't know how else to say it. I just know I don't want to hate who I am any longer. This journey I am on is not one I am taking alone. My Creator has brought women into my life to help me. And if I am willing to reach out to them I can do nothing but grow and change. It is my choice.

This is so exciting! Because since this revelation, I have done things on the spur of the moment I normally would not do. Like going camping with a friend on a two week notice. Or make decisions about what insurance plan to take. Little things to most people, but huge to me. I am not as confident in decision making as some. I have too much self-doubt inside. I learned growing up not to trust my feelings or thoughts about things, that I didn't know anything. I carried this lie into my adult life. Now I need to be gentle with myself and take it one thing at a time. Who would have thought that at 56 years old I would begin taking risks. That I would be willing to start looking at what I need to change and not what others need to do in order for me to be happy. I feel like a little kid who just learned she could choose for herself what she wanted to be when she grew up. I am learning I can say, "you know, I really don't want to do that." or "I really want to do this." Is it easy? No. Is it comfortable? Absolutely not. But I believe with all my heart and soul it is worth it. It will get easier and it will become comfortable. Maybe even natural! ( I hope). I just have to get up and go! No more lying down after work. No more spending energy at work worrying about what might happen or not happen. A lady said to me a short time back, "Cathie, where are your hands?" What she was saying was, what are you doing at that particular moment? Get out of tomorrow and its unwarranted concerns and back into the moment. And I have been trying to remind myself of that each time I find myself starting to worry, or stressing over what I have no control over. I know this all sounds like I have it figured out. Believe me I don't. I am just practicing and walking through it. There are good moments and there are moments when I am so afraid I want to hide my head in the sand. But instead I stick my neck out. I make a phone call and talk it over, or I reach out to my Creator and ask for the courage and guidance to make the next move. Then I sit quietly for a bit, then go on with rest of the day, trusting he will show me and I will know the step to take for that particular situation.

Life is a journey. It is full of disappointment and pain at times. But it is also full of joy and fun and love a lot of the time. It is just a matter of where I spend it. In the pain or in the joy. Once again my choice. My decision. No more looking to others to tell me who I am, what I need to do or not do. It is time for Cathie to stick out her neck and take risks. Find out life isn't so bad or difficult after all. I can do more than I give myself credit for or truthfully want to. Sometimes I still want to take the easy way out of situations, not rock the boat sort of speak. And I probably will continue to at times. But hopefully, my blogs will be filled with positive, inspiring experiences more and more, and less on what is not happening or what others are doing to me.

My husband has gone out and I am going to stop here and take the time he is gone to enjoy a good book or movie undisturbed! Or maybe I will just play a game. Who knows. I will just close this post and let whatever comes be what I do! This giraffe is going to take a rest.

.

I know Whats Best for You; So I Thought

I have been living under the assumption that I know what is best for those close to me. What will make them happy or better people. I owe these loved ones an apology. Who am I to tell others what is best or how they should do things? I don't even know half the time what is best for me! There are still so many parts to myself that need cleaning up, brushing off and building anew. I am told this takes a life time. Well I don't have a life time anymore. I am at the end of my life time. The last part you might say. So I have this anxiety going on as to how to accomplish and change the things I desire within the time span  I do have. Assuming of course that I don't get killed tomorrow in a freak accident. Then I guess there won't be any need to worry about this trivial matter. But for now I am alive and as far as I know still have some years left in which I would like to be different. Better.

Tonight I will be attending an art show where a dear friend is showing her painting. I am looking forward to dressing up, Fedora and all. This is my opportunity to begin wearing what I want to wear without the concern of what  might think. "Might think". It just occurred to me that I don't even know what others "might think"! I automatically assume it will be negative. Maybe, just maybe it will be positive! When I see people dressing creatively I think positive thoughts, why can't I believe this could be true when I am looked at? Once again I am learning something about myself. I always assume the negative where others opinions of me are concerned. That will be worked on for sure. OK back to the subject at hand.

I have always been in awe of those who wear and do things I never had the courage to wear or do but always wanted to. You know, the crazy colorful outfits, going to the theatre or on a trip somewhere exciting without any thought that they could not do so. It never occurs to people like this that what they want to do cannot be done! They aren't people-pleaser's, they live for themselves. They are creative, outgoing free spirits. They are the very species I want to evolve into. This is what I am striving to become as I continue to grow into my own. It is who I believe I was created to be. And the first step to allowing myself this freedom is to continue surround myself with those who are the same. Not with those who want me to conform to the "acceptable" or what they perceive to be "proper". Who the hell wants to be proper all the time. And truth be told, for those who know me, I have not always been what you would consider proper anyway.

Growing up I had always felt like the  outsider. Our family was the family no one wanted to be associated with in too close a relationship. And we were certainly not accepted right away into our new neighborhood when we first moved in. We were "different" to many people. In a negative way. I never felt like I was truly accepted by those I hung out with. Friends were always trying to change me or make me better some how. I know it was out of kindness, that they felt they were doing me a favor. But in reality all they were telling me was, you are not good enough, let me fix you up. And I continue to do that to those close to me without realizing I am doing it. At the same time, I continue even as an adult at times, to allow others to try and fix me. Anytime I try to change something in someone or they me; we are telling each other, "you aren't good enough yet, let me show you how to be "good enough", or, "do this and you will be acceptable." I guess some of it is the society we live in. Always having to have or be more.

This has been a rude awakening to see in myself. To realize and admit that I am just as guilty of shaming others as others have done to me. Thankfully we can stop old behaviors if we choose to. We can stop allowing others to tell us what to change as well. It just takes acknowledgement that it is going on and the willingness to change it. Not to mention a lot of courage and self-honesty.

The more I try to "fix" others or change them, the more my life gets crazy and I become filled with anxiety and worry. The "What ifs" I have mentioned before come back stronger than ever. Wanting to control someone or something becomes an obsession. Its during these times that one of two things happen; my house becomes messier and more cluttered. Or cleaned really well. If I can't control the people and situations around me then by golly I will find something I can control. Of course this just starts the whole vicious cycle over again and until I myself am finally out of control! Until I can relax or a friend reminds me, that I really am powerless to change others, my life is quite a mess. I have to accept that I cannot change people, places or things if I am to have true serenity in my life. And this is true about being who I really am. Until I can accept who I am and start living as myself, I can not have true serenity, true inner peace. I am too busy trying to meet others expectations of who they think I am or should be, or trying to change others to achieve these things.

So the question of late has become. What is more important to me in my life today? To be myself which will bring serenity and inner peace. Or, changing and controlling others, to be accepted by others even if it means changing who I am. I choose the first choice. And slowly I am gaining the courage within to be myself. As I learn what I enjoy and fill those enjoyments, I become happier inside, I like myself more. I smile more and can hold my head up because I am no longer living a lie. That is what I am doing when I am not living true to myself, I am living as an impostor.  

Little by little, very slowly, I am learning it is ok to be who I am. And that can be someone different as I grow and change. And this is not to say it is easy or not at all frightening. Of course I am scared at times. There is always the risk of losing relationships anytime you choose to change. People have come to know me and love me for who I am and as I change, they may not like this new person. This person they can no longer manipulate or control. My interests are changing and it would be natural for me to want to be around those who share the same interests and who will introduce me to possible new experiences I will find I enjoy. All this makes life seem more appealing and exciting to me. I don't want to spend another moment envying others who live and experience things in their lives. I want to be those people! This of course does not mean all my relationships will end. Not everyone in my life has wanted to change me or manipulate me into doing things they want, I am not that weak a person. I have some terrific women in my life and they are the ones that have been helping me see these things in me that I don't like, but need to see just the same if I want to be a better me.

Slowly, as I pray each day to my Creator within, I gain more courage to change what I can. I take the focus off what others are or are not doing and put it back on me. Truthfully though, it is the spirit within that is doing the changing, not me. I believe this because every morning on my way to work I pray for courage to change what I can in my life and I am seeing results, so how can I deny this Creator the credit for the changes occurring within on a daily basis?  I know it isn't me. I don't have it in me not to want to impress or please others, it is too ingrained in me.

You know what? I find the more I do this the more I like who I am! Funny how that works. The person I am becoming is creative, fun, intelligent and kind. Whats not to like? Sure, I have a long ways to go; I still have flaws that need to be dealt with. But its important I am learning, to see the good in each of us as we work towards ridding ourselves of the things that are not so appealing. That harm ourselves or others even when we don't mean to.

The message I started out with is really what I want to impress upon the reader. And on myself. It is time for me to stop trying so hard to change others, and keep the focus on changing myself. So I guess I will continue to pray each day for the courage to change those things within me that need changing. To trust that my Creator within loves me enough to help with this. After all isn't this what its all about? Life changes?

Being an Individual within a relationship, is it possible?

As an individual who am I? What excites me? What are my interests and joys outside my marriage?  Do I have what it takes to find out? Do I have the courage to move outside my little area between home and work? Am I ready to be an individual? I have friends, we have friends. But not in relationships that make you look at yourself and make you grow in yourself. My life is safe with no complications and changes to be had. And I must say I am learning quickly it is no longer a life I am comfortable in. I learned last night I want more. I guess I have know for a while, just wasn't ready to admit it to myself, never mind the world. That would mean doing something. And that would mean taking risks and facing challenges. Ok and yes, energy. Let me share how this all came about.

Last night I was at a play with two friends. One of them said I had to get out of my comfort zone. Get out and experience things on my own. This morning I thought on it for a while and realized yes, it is time to take that risk and find out who I really am as an individual. I know my role as a wife, as an employee and responsibilities it takes  to fill in these roles. I have friendships and know who I am most of the time with these friends. But as an individual, do I know who I am? What I want to become and to do while I am able? Most important, do I have what it takes to be an individual? To experience new adventures on my own. To take risks without falling back on my husband and friends to tell me who I am or what I need to do. Can I step outside my comfort zone and risk making mistakes or taking a wrong turn now and then? Do I have the most important factor in becoming an individual with her own ideas and fulfilling her desires, courage.

This morning as I reflected on what my friend said I came to see clearly just how dependent I truly had become on one person. How much I handed over because he was so willing to take it. And I also realized just how comfortable I had become in sticking to my little area in life, I had become secluded in my home and work area, never venturing out alone. I kept finding things my husband would enjoy doing with me. Never realizing until last night that there were things I would like to do and try as an individual. Yes, I have friends that I go hiking with or have dinner with; safe things. But what about going out and venturing alone to the museum or theatre when there is no one to go with? What about driving downtown to an art show? I could get lost and never found. I could become a homeless person with a car to sleep in!

How does one become an individual in a marriage relationship? I have heard and come to believe that we cannot fill all the needs of our spouses. No one person can have all the same interests or passions of another; we are different in many ways and have different interests. What I have done for the most part is put my individual away in the closet somewhere. Slowly over the years I forgot she even existed. Until last night that is. Last night she woke up in such a way I cannot explain. And all it took was going to a live play. When those actors and actresses came out on the stage I felt this sense of excitement and happiness I had not felt in such a long time. I laughed and cried at the same time from the strong emotions within me coming out. I could not contain the joy of being at a live play with live actors and actresses. It was a night of such laughter I hurt and cried from the comedy. It was a fun night out with a couple girlfriends. It struck me on the way home that I had done something my husband had no interest in and I enjoyed myself! I enjoyed myself outside my marriage and did not feel guilty! I wasn't sitting there wishing he had come or worrying that I was being selfish. As a matter of fact I didn't think about him at all and this was different for me.

This morning I realized there was an individual within trying to push herself out. There was no more holding back this creative, intelligent woman any longer. (This idea is becoming a regular theme in my life lately). Yes, this brought up fear and a sense of dread. After all it meant I would be venturing into a whole new world. I am beginning to believe it is ok to have my separate life away from my husband. It was ok to have passions that he did not have. I could still fill my passions and interests without him. Just as he could fill his without me. And if he had no interests outside the home, well that was ok too! It did not mean I could not pursue interests and have outside activities separate from him. We have things we enjoy doing together. So why have I been afraid to seek out my own interests as well? Why haven't I seen myself as an individual with her own needs and passions? Because I was afraid.

Fear as I have mentioned before rules my life sometimes. I allow it to keep me in my safe little world. I do not venture past a certain area of town. I do not go to movies alone or seek outside interests with friends. Most importantly, I have not seriously persued writing as something to grow in and to make a big part of my life. And yet, I truly believe deep down I have so much I could share and help others with. My life experiences, some of which are difficult to talk about or acknowledge are the very things that need to be shared. Why? Because there are others out there who are just like me. Who feel they are the only ones who feel insecure, afraid, not good enough. And so we stay in our safe little worlds where we belong. We are not good enough to play with the "big" people. We are not in the right classs of people to show up in certain entertainments. Lies. All lies my friends. Today I can no longer sit back and be the person I thought I had to be. I can no longer pretend sitting home and being a house wife was good enough. As much as I love my husband and being with him; I also long for a life separate from him. I want to live as an individual within a marriage. Is this possible? Can two people live together and yet live as individuals?

Last night something woke up inside me that can no longer be contained. After experiencing such joy and excitement being in that theatre watching live people acting on stage, I could no longer contain the happiness inside. I laughed so hard it hurt. I felt a sense of joy and freedom I had lost long ago. And it was all my doing. Little by little throughout the last 18 or 19 years I have given up my individuality. I handed myself over piece by piece without realizing I was doing it! My wonderful husband took over areas in the relationship because he didn't mind and enjoyed doing things for me. But what this did was take away who I was. How? Well lets see.

I stopped filling my car with gas. I stopped running to the store for small items because he was willing to do it. We each do our own laundry (I have no plans to change that by the way), he does the grocery shopping. What do I do? I help clean up the house when needed. I go to work, I go out to meet with friends, I lie on the couch and watch silly reality television, I read, and I complain about not having a life. Whose fault is that? Who allowed herself to disappear?

So this week I filled my own car with gas and I stopped at the store for a few items instead of asking my husband to; (or mentioning I was out of gas knowing he would offer to go fill it). It is as if I am suddenly growing up all over again. It is amazing how easily I was able to let go of areas in my life, including our financial affairs and just let him do it all. I thought this was great. I had no worries. I wasn't asked or expected to do anything I wasn't comfortable doing. And the less I did the more uncomfortable I became doing things. I slowly went from being an independent self sufficient (to a degree) woman to a dependent, fearful woman who doesn't go outside her little area. A woman who stays in her safe little box. Wow, this was an eye opener let me tell you. I did not like what I was seeing at all. I was no longer, nor had been for some time, an individual. I did nothing outside my comfort zone. I tried always to find things my husband would enjoy doing with me. I thought that was how it worked. I did not realize until last night, while out with these two good friends, that I could have outside interests and do things by myself that did not include my husband or even my friends. I could do things I enjoyed all by myself. I could be a grown up and still enjoy the benefits of marriage and friendships.

I wonder how many people go to a play and learn something so huge about themselves. I became so alive at that theatre. The exciting, creative, fun person inside wanted out and wanted out bad. The brave little girl was ready to come out and play. And the fearful, somewhat insecure adult was now willing to let her. Actually wanted her to come out and play.

Individual. Wow. It is amazing that one word could stir up so much inside me. that a simple word, individual, could wake up things inside me I didn't know existed. There is no turning back now if I am to be happy. I can try to go back to being a housewife, an employee, a friend and leave it there. But I will not be happy. Not truly happy. I have woken up the woman inside that wants to experience new things, go to new places and to do these things alone or with girlfriends who share the same excitement and interests. I want to know it is ok to have interests outside my marriage. How much fun would it be to be able to come home and have something interesting to share with each other? 

Yes, I finally realize I am an individual with her own interests, passions, and sense of adventure. I want to do things and see things I haven't. they don't have to be extravagant or huge. Like going to this play last night. That wasn't huge, but it was a new experience, a thrill and I learned something about myself I didn't know before; I love the theatre! I love everything about it; the stage, the costumes, the live actors on the stage. I want to experience more of it. Maybe even be in a play just once! Going and enjoying this evening has made me wonder what other activities I have missed and may have enjoyed and loved. I don't want to miss out anymore. I don't want to be dependent on anyone any longer. From now on it is about "sharing" in my marriage, instead of depending on him. It is shameful to admit how much I have taken him for granted. How easily I allow him to do things for me. It is time to say "thank you but I can do it" once in a while.

I need to get off the couch and experience little things that lead up to the big things. I want to take back some responsibilities and be a grown up. It is healthier. No one should be completely dependent on another person to do all things in a relationship. It should be shared. And then there needs to be individual time for individual interests a part from one another. This is both frightening and exciting at the same time. I am growing up all over again. Or maybe I am finally growing up!

Life has a new meaning to me now and with the help and support of my husband and wonderful friends I know and now believe I can be and do whatever I choose to be and do. The only one stopping me is me. If I continue to be bored, angry or frustrated with my life it is my doing. Only I can take responsibility to change what needs to be changed. And with the help of my Creator I can become the individual I was created to be. I just have to continue to take risks and walk through the fears that come up.

We each have our very own Creator within us.

When I was a little girl of about ten I think, perhaps a little younger. When does a child start catechism? Anyway, I remember how excited I was to be going to Saturday bible class. I never remember what was taught or said, I only remember the excitement each week of getting on the bus to go to church class. I hear others who remember stern nuns slapping their hands for wrong doing; or strict teachers yelling at them. I do not recall any of this. The only thing I remember about those years was the excitement of knowing that one day I would devote myself to God and become a nun. It was so much fun and fulfilling to memorize all those prayers! I just knew in my innermost being I wanted to belong to God and God alone. I felt strongly about this for a few more years. Many nights I would look out my bedroom window up at the sky and talk to God. Somehow I just knew He loved me and cared about what happened to me. We had a special connection, he and I. A personal one. And it was my secret.

But then things began to change and I could no longer look up at the sky and believe God cared. I begged for help and even begged to come home to Him. But each day I awoke to face another day of fearing the unknown. I remember one day praying in the bathroom on my knees for God to reveal himself to me; telling him I had to know he existed, begging him to show himself. I even promised him I wouldn't tell anyone if  he did, yeah right, like that would happen! but I needed him to show up so I could believe and get through whatever the future held. I remember kneeling there in the dark terrified he would actually show up! Of course he didn't. Then I got into other spiritual paths and they didn't help my relationship with God, I even tried seances that I swear to this day worked, just not in the way I expected. But God? He never appeared. And as I drifted into a lifestyle of party's, drugs, and drinking God disappeared completely. This would be my life from the age of 13 to 19. Years I will regret, but no longer judge myself for. They were years of anger, distrust and yes even hate towards this God I had loved as a child. How could he be so mean? Why did he not love me? The only answer could be he did not exist.

At the age of 19 my life took another twist and I "straightened out".  I started talking to God again and slowly my belief in him returned. I began searching for truth and started visiting church again, a different church. I got very involved and did whatever I was told so I would not go to hell. I talked the talk, tried to walk the walk, but failed miserably. The truth is, never in all the years from 19 til now could I convince myself that the bible was the one and only way to God. That the resurrection spoken of truly happened. Then a spiritual awakening occurred one day as I was standing and singing a song; suddenly I stopped singing and the thought came, "I don't believe this! I don't believe any of this!" At that moment I had become completely honest with myself in regards to my faith in God. I knew and, here is the important part, I accepted  I was not a true believer in Christianity. I did not believe what was being taught and this was what was causing my spiritual turmoil and struggle over all these years. I was too busy looking to others for my own faith and trying so hard to believe what they were teaching that my Creator couldn't catch my attention!

True spiritual faith for me has to come from within myself or it isn't real. And if it isn't real to me I cannot live it.  I was no longer living a lie. I was no longer trying to believe something I just could not. That moment was the beginning of living a life of honesty. Being honest with myself about what I believed and who I wanted to become. That morning a year and a half ago I gave myself the greatest gift a person can give herself, and that is the freedom to begin learning and accepting who she is and what she is all about. It has caused some difficulty in relationships and as I continue to grow and change in all areas of my life it continues to change my relationships; yet all I can truly say to this is that as big a risk as it feels for me; it is totally worth the joy and confidence that it is developing in me. It has and continues to feel like a snake. Always shedding off the old skin and living in the new. Each time I learn something about me that is not who I am or want to be, I shed another layer.

On a daily basis my spiritual journey grows and changes. As this area changes, others areas in my life changes. Doubts and beliefs trade places on a constant basis. Questions arise during moments of reflections. But the one constant in my journey is that I never stop seeking. I seek my Creator's presence all the time and it never fails to show up in ways I hadn't been looking. You see, I can sit quietly for a long time and wait for the spirit to show itself. But it generally never happens in this manner. Generally I sense it when I am reading a book and a sentence pops out, and by the way, it doesn't even have to be a spiritual book! It could be a novel I am reading. Or, I could be driving to work and suddenly a thought will pop into my head and it will be the exact answer I had been seeking. But it didn't come until I really needed it. Other times I pick up on my Creator's presence during a conversation that is on a spiritual topic or discussion.

When I stop asking "You" to tell me about God, or to prove your faith to me; I am at peace. I am open to the Creator's voice within. When I stop believing "You" have the truth" an inner strength and confidence grows deep within my soul. It took much seeking, reading and attending different "Churches" to realize we all have to develop our own personal relationship with this inner spirit we seek. No one can give it to us. And it is so very important that I do not judge those whose beliefs or truths are different from mine. As they cannot judge my truth. It saddens me to know that because I do not believe in the resurrection people who love me dearly are so fearful of my damnation. Yet I must admit I respect their strength and faith in what they believe. But not everyone who claims to believe is showing their faith. We all fall short in our walks. But as long as we can truthfully say we are trying, then I believe our truth is real. I have many friends who are "Christians" that I love dearly and this is because they accept and love me even though I do not believe exactly as they do. they show their truth by their love of others, not judgement. They did not stop associating with me because I admitted I didn't believe. Nor did I feel the need to break away from those I grew to love. We are each continuing to live our beliefs as different as they may be.

There are times when I am upset or doubtful of my Creator's existence in my life personally. There are moments when I look around and ask, "why them and not me?" Why do some have such wonderful, good things come into their lives all the time and others do not? It just doesn't seem fair and I will get on the "pity pot" for a while or throw a spiritual tantrum. Then I get over it and remember that I must separate my spiritual journey from my worldly desires.

So I end this writing by saying I love this journey! I love seeking and constantly learning new things about myself and what I believe. I enjoy watching the growth of accepting who I was and what I had done in the past and loving her anyway. It is a blast to grow into this new, self-confident, creative women I was always meant to be. My belief for this moment is; A spiritual Being is a Creative Being.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness; Really?

Ok, I admit it, I live my life at times by what I 'feel" like doing or "don't feel" like doing. Its that three year old in me that says, "I don't wanna!" For instance, I still don't want to make the bed, so I don't. I simply pull the cover we use to keep dog hair off the bed spread and there you go, it looks made! Or how about the laundry. Now honestly. who likes to do laundry or dishes when you could be walking the dog, writing, knitting; or maybe your favorite show is coming on. I know it has to be done, and it gets done. Just not on a regular basis. Household chores are more of an "as need " basis. If it needs to be done I will do it. Or my husband will do it. Otherwise it can wait. If I don't need any clean laundry yet, why do a load when I can be outside with the dog or working on a craft? Really. I work all day, do I really have to come home and clean the house as well? Do it on the weekend you say? I don't think so. That's my time to relax and go have fun, or hang with my husband and watch a good movie. Take the dog on a hike. Why on earth would I waste a beautiful sunny day scrubbing a toilet? Or washing down windows or do laundry if I don't need to? And if its a rainy chilly day, well heck, that is the perfect kind of day to wrap up in a blanket on the couch and read a good book. Its all about priorities. Life has priorities. What is important to you. Now I am not saying people who have spotless homes are strange or that something is wrong with them; I admire that they have the energy to keep their homes clean and tidy. All I am saying is, it should also be ok if I don't keep my house spotless and tidy at all times. And yet, how many of us panic when someone shows up unannounced, and of course it is always on the day the house looks its worse! So I have finally found a solution to this problem. Don't  have friends. Just kidding. The solution for me is simply accepting this is who I am and there is no sense in trying to be someone I am not. I am not a good housekeeper. I am a good friend, wife, volunteer, employee. These are what I am good at. My friends who know me love me even when there is dust on the shelves and I haven't vacuumed in a while. We just sit and visit and have a good time. Isn't that what life is really about? Having a good time. Picking our priorities? Isn't it time to relax and leave the stress of impressing others to the younger generation? I think so. I am tired of comparing my house with the neighbors. My clothes with my co-workers clothes. etc. It just gets to a point of life being too short, and it gets shorter a lot quicker these days than it used to! So little by little I am letting go of things that aren't all that important anymore. And the big one today that I am practicing is, not worrying about what other people think. I hear it said over and over. "what other people think of me is none of my business." My business is doing the next right thing and having fun. It is not worrying about what others think.

Does anyone remember as a kid not being able to wait to grow up so you wouldn't have to do these things anymore? When you would be able to do as you pleased and have no one tell you to go clean your room, pick up your clothes or put away your shoes. I couldn't wait to be a grown up and do as I wanted. Not having anyone telling me I had to do something "or else". No one told me this wasn't how it worked. That if I wanted to have a home and food on the table I would have a boss telling me what to do on the job; or that if I wanted to stay out of jail there was certain laws I would have to obey. We will always have someone to answer to in one form or another as long as we are breathing. Maybe more so with some of us than others depending on circumstances. But most of that is just plain maturity and being responsible.

The issue I am addressing here is, what is really important? A perfect home or great times with friends? What brings me closer to God, cleaning my house and resenting the time it is taking, or leaving it and doing something creative that brings my thoughts to a spiritual level? Creativity and time spent with friends always brings me closer to my God. I see the Spirits love in a friends smile; I hear God's voice of encouragement in a book I am reading at the time. I sense the Spirits energy as I sit and create. So excuse me if I don't buy the "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" thing. I wonder where it came from. Probably someone trying to get their kid to clean their room.

Most of us live our lives by what people in our society deems acceptable or religious. Or what we think others deem acceptable. We worry what others will think of us if they saw how we lived when no one is looking. The truth is; we all have days, maybe weeks, when we are just too darn busy to worry about making the damn bed or picking up the clutter around the house. What I want to know is, who makes up these rules? Who determines whether or not I am a good person because I did the dishes before leaving for work? Who decides I am a bad person because I left the bed un-made when I drove off to work? What is important here? Making a bed or giving your pet a walk or some play time before leaving for work?

Lets face it. We all have days where our homes look a bit cluttered. When clothes are on the bedroom floor, or books and papers are lying around on the tables or there is dust on the coffee table. (We have crafts lying around undone that we are "going to get to"). Then we hurry and run around frantically when company is on their way. My husband and I joke that it is a good thing we have friends come over for game night once a month because it gives us the push to give the house a real thorough cleaning.

I wish I could be a better homemaker. I wish I cared enough to have a clutter free home. It would be nice to come home and not see stuff lying around. But the truth is, I don't wanna do it. Either I am too tired when I get home from work or have other projects that are more important to do, crafts to make for people, take my dog for a nice walk after being cooped up all day. Maybe go meet with friends after work. I just don't have the energy to keep a spotless house and work full time and do the things I enjoy. So something has to give. We need my income if we want to have the house and eat. So not working isn't an option. I enjoy my social life and being with friends, so giving that time up isn't an option. So I guess the only other option is to accept this is who I am today and how I choose to live my life. It isn't like I have rats running around or cobwebs hanging off the ceilings. Oh yeah, I did find a couple this weekend in a dark corner of the hall way; but its gone. I don't want to give spiders the idea they are welcome here.

Every day I tell myself I am going to set up a schedule. Each day I will take 10 minutes to do a room; dust, iron, clean the bathrooms etc. If there was a schedule then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to have a clean home and still enjoy life after work. But it hasn't happened yet. Not sure it ever will. So I will just continue to do what I want to do and not do what I don't want to do. I will be that grown-up I couldn't wait to be that no one could boss her around anymore. I will do the things that bring me joy and continue to keep friends who accept me just the way I am, dust, clutter and all. So if you are in the neighborhood and not afraid of a little mess, then please, by all means, drop on in. You are always welcome in our home. But if a little dust or clutter bothers you, you might want to keep on walking or driving by. We don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, including ourselves!  I hate that embarrassing feeling after someone has dropped by to say hello or give me something and it is the very day I had pulled laundry out of the dryer and thrown it on the sofa and got busy doing something else. The visitor doesn't know I just pulled it out, they just see the pile of clothes on the sofa. People don't understand people like me. I start one project and my thoughts go to another project so I drop what I am doing to go take care of what just popped into my head and on and on it goes. Like a hamster in a hamster wheel. I am always going from one thing to another and eventually I complete nothing and create more clutter to pick up later. It is like being a hamster on a wheel sometimes. I just go around and around and get nowhere where house work is concerned.

I will say this though; I did come home and iron and put a couple things away today. Walked the dog a little further than usual and now wrote this silly little post. And I have to admit it felt pretty darn good to have accomplished something. I have set a goal. I know, here she goes again with goals. I am going to set a few minutes each evening after work to do one small chore. But not if it interferes with my after work walks with Maddie, my precious dog. I will see if I can accomplish the main goal of getting the house completely organized and picked up and then keeping it that way. Perhaps setting a schedule would work after all. but first, lets see how well this idea works. But! I am still not going to make the bed before I leave for work. I just refuse to do something I am going to have to undo later. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me but it is. Actually, it is what started this post. Listening to a women talk about how bad she felt because she didn't have time this morning to make the bed before she left for work and it was driving her crazy. I didn't get it. Who was going to tell on her? Who was going to even know if she hadn't said anything? I just didn't get the big deal. Others did; but then others like me thought, who cares? Get back to work.

So, now I have a few minutes left before it is time to go to bed. I could clean up a little more. NOT! I would rather go lie down and catch up on the this month's book club book.

Fifty Seven going on Seventeen

When does it stop. I always believed that mind would mature and age along with my body. That as my body "matured", so would my mind. Where did this silly notion come from? Instead I find my body aging and my mind slowly digressing backwards. Not maturing at all! OK, maybe not completely true.

Last night after my bath, I noticed something that made me want to scream, "who took my body!" There were all these little purple things on my legs, lines and wrinkles where firm skin used lay. Sore body aches where firm muscles used to be. And to top it all off, my hair is doing this weird thing lately. Instead of laying shiny and thick, it is frizzy and course. And there are these gray streaks mixed in with the brown that I swear I did not put there! But if I start pulling them out, which I considered, I would then be bald! I had my nails done a week ago in hopes of making my hands pretty. Then realized all  I have managed to do is draw attention to hands that are becoming arthritic and veins showing through the thin skin. I understand now when someone says, "He has old hands." I am just not sure how to wrap my head around all these changes my body is going through without my permission. And I certainly can't seem to get my thinking to mature so it is the same age as my body. My husband who is the least vain person I know, he is one of those people I want to throw a rock at, he is not self conscious about his body at all and will walk naked into the bedroom after a bath as if he were a handsome hunk of twenty. Of course being the loving supportive wife that I am, I say nothing and smile up at him and say "hey handsome". I wonder to myself, do I look as old to him as he to me, is he thinking the same thoughts and just being sweet when he whistles at me?  I find myself  more and more trying to get dressed before he see's me. How is that for being vain in a different manner?  It is not so difficult to understand why women spend so much money avoiding the inevitable; growing old which means looking old.

I think like a twelve year one day, a seventeen year old the next. (I have to admit I act like a twelve year at times as well). What does a fifty or sixty year old think like? Anyone know? Anyone care to share? Somehow I believed that when I reached this age I would no longer concern myself with things such as how my hair looks, or have I gotten fat?  I would just finally be able to relax and enjoy my life. I do have to admit this is happening in subtle ways which I will share later in this post, I am just whining right now.

Unless your spouse is ten or fifteen years younger than you, it is even harder to pretend your body is not getting older. When I see my husband aging physically, it is a wake up call that he too is seeing my body age as well. And this really makes me want to scream "I want my young body back! I would not bother myself about such vanity after forty, so I thought. I am just as vain now as I was in my younger years. However, there is some differences.

You would never catch me walking the dog in my pajamas, or running to the store without make up. Today, I throw on a coat and walk the dog. After all who is going to notice at 6am what I am wearing? And in the grocery store do the clerks or other customers give a hoot if I put on make up or not? The cool thing, only thing maybe, about being older is that people really aren't looking at you much anymore. Sadly they are focusing on the younger prettier, sexier ladies. The competition is gone. Unless of course you are in your senior years and still competing to look twenty. I am sorry to inform you that as we age, things that looked attractive in our twenties and thirties no longer appear attractive. Just silly. And when we try to dress like a twenty year old, you do attract attention. The attention though is not positive. Instead of admiring your long legs in a short skirt, they are laughing at that "old" lady trying to look cute. Yes, old. Remember when you were young, in your late teens early twenty's? People in their fifties and sixties were considered old. They may as well have been eighty to us. My husband and I notice it more and more. At work my husband is teased about being the "old guy" in the field. Young clerks call me mam, the polite ones anyway.

I am still immature in some of my attitudes. I sulk when I don't get my way. I have a temper tantrum when people don't treat me the way I think they should or don't drive fast enough. I continue to want what I want when I want it, no patience in this lady. So how does one grow-up?  Do you copy another's behavior that appears grown up? I tried that. Felt like a phony and didn't feel it inside. I wasn't finding out who I was as a grown-up, I was just pretending to be someone else. And that someone else wasn't always the best person to be I would find later.

So I did some investigating. I began questioning other women my age or older about their mental status. Did they feel their age? Most said they too thought like a kid. Still wanted things they enjoyed as teen agers. Others were comfortable in their own skin (wrinkled and all) and just accepted it as part of the circle of life. These were the ones I wanted to be like. I am tired of the Cathie who is always trying to be like that gorgeous fifty year old who never ages. Lets face it, the more make up some of us put on our faces, the older and sillier we look. I am at the place in life where "less is best."

What I am learning to do is think before I try to do something. I must ask myself, is this the twelve year old that wants to run around the block? Can the present fifty something do it without causing injury or pain? It is sad when I feel sore after hiking two miles when just last year I was hiking four to five up hill! unfortunately my body has more control over my life these days than my mind.

Yes, being in my fifties is beginning to show in many ways physically; and I have two choices. Continue to judge myself harshly which I have always done; or accept myself lovingly for the wonderful woman I am growing into. There are days when I feel like a grown up and am allowing her to develop her own interests and joys in this life. It takes practice, it takes being uncomfortable and at times making others uncomfortable who are not used to the new confident older woman I am growing into.
As I write this post I am made aware of the many changes that have occurred in the past year and many are good. Living life on life's terms can really be a good thing to practice. I believe I will continue to work on this.