What if I am wrong?

Sometimes we have to stand up for what is true to ourselves. This past week I found it can cause ill feelings on my part when I do. I am new at disagreeing with strong personalities. My self doubts come flying into the front of my brain like a bunch of little gnats. And a few days later I am still feeling like that little girl who did something wrong and everyone is going to turn against her. That her friends will go away. This isn't easy to share but it is true and must be. I had a strong disagreement earlier in the week and it has brought about strong insecurities and even anger in me. I am feeling like that little girl who was picked on and felt ugly and stupid. Thankfully it is not as strong since I called a friend and talked it out. But it did get me thinking, when am I going to grow up?

When does maturity really begin and what is it? How do we determine when someone is acting like a mature adult or when they are being silly and immature? Can I disagree with what someone believes and not pout or feel negative about myself? I suppose it just takes time and sticking close to friends who are changing and growing themselves. Friends who will let me know I am over reacting or not a bad person for standing up for what I need. Its just that those strong personality types are so darn intimidating to me. I want everyone to like me and not feel negative about me because I disagreed with them or don't want to do what they think I should. That is so unrealistic and immature. I don't like everyone I meet or know and that's OK. But it is not OK for you to dislike me. This I understand and see very clearly is the immature side of me. I am so happy I have people in my life today who love me in spite of my childish behavior at times. It is called unconditional love. Something I am not used to.

I thought being a "grown up" just happened as you got older. I didn't know you had to work at it. I thought that by now I would be a mature individual who no longer acted childish or felt like a child. Someone who no longer cared what other people thought of her. I envy those who say they really don't care what other people think. As a matter of fact I have heard some say, "its none of my business what others think about me." That makes no sense to me at all. Of course its my business, its me they are thinking badly of! Or are they? My ego is so big sometimes. I think everyone is looking at me and thinking these things. Hell, I can be walking my dog and sense people looking out their windows thinking, "poor thing, doesn't have any friends to walk with her." OK, that's an exaggeration, I used to believe that, but not so much now. Maybe I am growing some.

What does it take to grow up? I am running out of time. I want to feel secure, confident and know who my God is and I want it yesterday! When I am at work I want to feel confident about who I am and not allow co-workers define who I am by  their negative actions or words. But it has to come from within myself first. Positive confidence is something I must gain myself. It cannot come from others. A personal God has to be from within, I cannot take someone else's.  But how do you get it?

Each day I am meditating on a daily reading. I take something that means something to me, write it in my planner for that day and look at it throughout that day. I started a couple weeks ago and it is helping  little by little. I also try to have time each day where I sit and quiet myself as much as possible and see if God speaks to me. I try to accept it when I do not get a thought or answer. It will come later through a reading, something someone says or perhaps even from just walking and suddenly having a thought pop into my head. You just never know how God will speak or come to you. My difficulty is trusting in my God. Trusting that what I believe or come to believe is OK. That I will not go to hell because I do not believe as others do. Or that because I do not share your belief I must be wrong. Why do I always assume I am wrong and everyone else is right? Where does that come from I wonder.

Having my my own opinion or idea and then sharing or acting on it is not something that comes easily to me. I feel confident and happy while I am doing sharing a thought or opinion, however, when alone later on, all the doubts and insecurities come flooding in and I critique everything I said and think about all the things I should have said or not said. Lately I have slowly begun to trust my new friends when they say, Cathie you are OK. What you shared was great. You are smart and creative. These are things I must start believing and living by. And I am trying. I am little by little going outside my comfort zone and forcing myself to do things I am self-conscious about or afraid. Like this week. I put a gym bag together with shorts, socks, t-shirt and yes, a bathing suit. I am going to throw it into the car and have it handy for that day after work when I get the courage to go the rec center to exercise or get into the pool. I love to be in the water. I love to swim. There is an opportunity to do these things I love, it is my lack of confidence and fear of what others at the pool will think that stops me. That little girl everyone laughed in elementary school and even at home,  comes forward and suddenly I am feeling embarrassed and self-conscious about my body. Especially now that it is wrinkled and has these new funny looking pumps and lines. And of course we can't forget the sagging skin between the boobs now can we? I can't believe I am now one of the "seniors" at the pool. Someone who that young person at the desk looks at and thinks, "Lady, you belong in the senior center." See, there I go again, believing I know what that person is thinking. Ego, all about me. When in reality they are probably thinking about themselves and own problems and could care less about what I am doing, they just want the money and for me to go away.

Well, this post probably isn't one of my best, but I was feeling kind of alone and sad after this disagreement I had earlier in the week and thought, why don't I blog. It always makes me feel better. I wish I could find a writers group to help me do a better job with this blog, but that will come soon enough I am sure.

So for those of you who have managed to read this far, thanks. I hope it made a little bit of sense to you. I know it helped me get it out. Later I will join my group of friends and know I will come home feeling positive and happy again. And when I go back to work in the morning, hopefully I will continue to practice minding my own business and focusing on the little phrase I find to help my thinking for that day. Maybe I will even call a friend during lunch! My goodness, how did I get along without these friends all this time? Trusting can be very difficult for me; but it is worth the doubts and risks of sharing how I feel, so I can experience the love and acceptance I am receiving in spite of myself. Life is good when you think about all the things you can do instead of the things you can no longer do. So, my goal this week will be to go to the rec center and just do something, even if it is walking around the track for a while. Just take that first baby step and walk through those doors. Believe me, if I do you will be reading about it!

Cancer be Dammed, I want Hormones!

Ok, I surrender. I have had enough of being "natural" and letting menopause run its course. Enough is enough. Its course is about to hurt someone or send me to jail! And its not just for me. I am doing this for those I live with and work with as well. They too have suffered. How many husbands have made an innocent comment only to have their wife suddenly hit them with the closest available item? Then five minutes later listen to that same woman cry over not knowing what is wrong with her? Then being the sweet understanding, (and rather naive) husband, you put your arms around her to comfort her and again say the wrong words, only to be lashed out at again. Thus begins the vicious emotional roller coaster of hormone insanity. Not to mention the constant hot flashes. I just love it when  co-workers ask, "Cathie why is your face so red, are you having a hot flash?" No you silly woman, I am turning beat red with sweat poring down my face because I am working so hard at this paperwork! First of all why would anyone ask such a personal question and second of all why would they risk their lives?  Don't they realize those of us in menopause are lethal human beings? That at any given moment we can explode and unleash venomous rages at them?

I did not know, nor was it explained to me just how bad going through menopause would be,  And its not just the physical discomfort, the tiredness and inability to concentrate. But the emotional up and downs as well. My poor husband never knows from one moment to the next what will set me off into a rage. I have been ready to pack up my things I don't know how many times because he is so irritating or pisses me off so badly. I just want to get away from this man who doesn't know when keep his mouth shut. I just think I will pack up and move in with a friend who isn't so irritating. But as I am packing (in my mind) I begin to calm down and realize and ask myself, how long will it be before this friend also begins to say or do stupid things that will cause me to blow up? So I will not only lose a good man but all my friends one by one as well.

Its just not safe to be around menopausal women. And I can tell you right now, if you are one of those women who "didn't have any trouble at all going through menopause", you had better be smart and not tell that to the rest of us. We will take you by the hair on your heads and drag you down the street tarred and feathered! It is not smart nor nice to rub that in our faces as we sit there with our fans sweating to death. I wonder how many women are sitting in jail simply because they refused to take hormone replacement therapy. Oh my goodness, I just thought of something. Can you imagine being a guard watching over a group of women in the "yard" who happen to be menopausal but unable to get hormone therapy? That is just trouble waiting to happen! Watching over menopause and PMS ladies, yeah, that's where I want to work. NOT

So, a few weeks ago I swallowed my pride and saw my doctor and agreed to try the hormone replacement therapy. Its only been a couple weeks but finally three days ago I realized the hot flashes were nearly non-existent, my husband was back to being his nice cute self again and the people at work were finally tolerable to work around. Funny how taking hormones can change other people as well isn't it?
And another great thing is I am once again sleeping through the night, and my energy level is back up. So I am no longer spending time lying on the couch or stressing over things I have no control over. OK, maybe a little. But I'm not raging and throwing things so that's a start. I wonder how much road rage would decrease if more women took hormones. Just a thought.

I still don't understand the women who say these were the best years of their lives, maybe it will take a few more months to get to that point. All I can say at this moment is I am so happy I listened to a few friends who kept telling me to go on hormones and quit listening to the Nay-Sayers about cancer risks. Cancer risks are all around us people.

Hey, maybe one day I will wake up and find out I no longer have a mustache or little hairs popping up all over my face!! Don't you hate that? You go to the bathroom at work and when you look in the mirror you notice a hair that is a foot long just hanging off your chin or side of your face and your husband, if you have one, hasn't said anything? I want to shoot him as soon as I get home. And he says something ridiculous like, "I didn't notice it!" How the hell do you not see a foot long hair on the side of someone's face? I have learned the most important thing in my purse is a pair of tweezers. I carry them everywhere I go. You just don't know when or where you will be when that hair suddenly shows itself!

Women are so blessed. We get to experience life through PMS, child birth, Menopause and then dementia. But at least we have good times if lucky enough, in between. And lets be honest, it isn't easy for our husbands or boyfriends either, after all, they have to live in constant fear of what and when is something going to set us off.

Yes, I am happy to be on these hormones. I only wish I hadn't waited so long. But oh well. Can't look backwards. Just need to move forward and start looking for new interests and joys for this period in my life.

Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Three Life changing words.

More and more I learn new things about myself and about my life. It is as if I became willing one day to look at myself and that willingness snowballed into this whole new world for me. And it keeps rolling and collecting data about who I am, things I do unconsciously and things I would like to try even if I am afraid. It is also over-whelming at times as well and at these times I take a break and work on something fun, or I call a friend. Other times my Creator will put someone in front of me that helps me hear something useful. This is exactly what happened a week ago. I heard a gentleman talking about something called "the three A's".  My ears were pricked with interest. What could these three words possibly mean?  I didn't get a lot of information from what was said, but I did hear enough to get me thinking. During the coming week I was astounded at what an impact these three simple words had on me.

When I become aware of something, I have an opportunity to change it or learn from it. Or I simply just become aware of it and say, "Hmm, so that is why that happened." The problem is that I have become more and more aware of things I do not find acceptable in my life and I don't have the courage to change some of them. Sometimes I don't know why I suddenly go from being in a great mood to being extremely agitated or angry. Or so I told myself. Deep down I knew what was going on, where these emotions were coming from. I just didn't want to admit it. To admit it means change. And that is not always a good thing. I don't want to admit I am unhappy or that I want something new in my life. What would that mean? But the truth is, I do want new things in my life. I am not getting any younger and and lets face it, not getting any more attractive either. But seriously, is it wrong for a woman my age to still desire to be pursued? To be cherished and the most important person in someone's life? What would that feel like? This is an awareness that came up a while back. An awareness I was too afraid to look at, to admit to. I didn't know what it would mean.

Yes, I hear those of you who know me saying, "but you have a wonderful husband". Yes, he is a great guy. But he doesn't meet all the important needs I have. I mean admit it, wouldn't it be wonderful to have your guy walk into the room, turn the t.v. off or take the book out of your hand and say, "I want some time with you, lets talk or go do something." Talk about feeling important. Sometimes I get so jealous when I see a guy openly show affection to his wife or girlfriend, as if to say this lady is precious to me and I want the whole world to know it. Or hearing a man bragging on his wife and what a wonderful woman she is. I know he loves me, but for goodness sakes, I am tired of being the one in the relationship to make the first move for us to do something together. I get tired of always being the one bragging on how good he is at this or that. All it does is make me look like the bad guy when I get angry and try to complain about him! The longer we are together the mo re I am becoming aware of things I didn't know were so important to me. And those I did know I stuffed down so I didn't have to look at them. Growing up I was not taught or shown that I was worthy of being cherished or loved deeply. I didn't know I was important just because I was who I was and that was good enough to be loved. I always felt I had to earn it. I continued to live this lie into my adulthood. Taking what I learned as a child into my adulthood only lead me to attracting men who used me or were emotionally unavailable. This is not to place blame. Remember, we are talking about becoming aware of things in ourselves so we can change them.

What I am talking about is being treated with gentleness, kindness and respect. Having a conversation instead of sharing opinions. Or going out somewhere and sharing the fun. I have become aware of the fact that we, my spouse and I, don't have a whole lot of interests in common and do not share the same views on things nor enjoy a lot of the same things; wow talk about opposites attract! When I first became aware of this I was terrified. I just knew it meant divorce. I mean really, how can two people live together who have nothing in common and still be happy? I had to look long and hard at this, I had to ask myself could I live with someone I did not have anything in common with? I knew I wanted a relationship, not just companionship. This was a huge awareness in my life and was what started me on this journey of what I call my midlife moments. Perhaps that is just a nice way of saying I am having a midlife crisis. We will save that for a future post. Anyway, I knew things were going to have to change. But what? How? And that is where the next simple but strong letter "A" word came in. Acceptance.

It was difficult to accept that I was not going to be able to change this important man in my life into the knight in shining Armour. Nor was I willing to leave him to go looking for one. Remember what I said earlier, I attract emotionally unavailable men? I highly doubt that has changed since I have just become aware of it. No, what I learned is that I have to accept I can't change him or anyone else into who I want him or them to be. They are who they are. He is who he was when I married him and I chose to marry him anyway, faults and all. What I didn't know was that as time went on the things I found bothersome would eventually turn into resentments. Anger. And I would have to deal with these emotions somehow. And I did. For a while I blew up at him at little stuff. One moment we would be having a great time, then shortly afterwords I found myself in a rage. Something he did would remind me that I was not going to get what I needed from him emotionally. And this fear or truth would turn into anger. Poor guy had no clue what the hell had just happened. Of course I realize some of this could just be menopause, but I refuse to let him off the hook that easy. That is another thing I had to accept. I put myself into positions to be taken advantage of. I don't stand up for myself, for what I need. But the real truth here is a huge pill to swallow. And that truth is this. My husband, my boss, my friends, any one who is a part of my life cannot fill all my needs. Only I can. And that sucks. I didn't want to give up the dream that one day I would have someone who cherished me. Who thought of me as one hell of a lady and showed it. Most men just assume you know they love you, they do things for you and that should be enough. They don't know how to be emotionally available. And that is why acceptance is so important in this situation and situations like it with any relationship, whether it is at work with a co-workers, a family member or in friendships. It is up to me to fill my own needs. But I have to admit, once I began to accept these things, and just for the record, it isn't always easy, it still frustrates me to have to be the one to plan things and do things together, I don't want to scare anyone or mislead anyone into thinking I have this down pat. What I am saying is that once I do accept it my life becomes more serene and, to my surprise, a little exciting. Because if I am responsible for my own happiness; if I am the one who has to fill my own emotional needs, then I get to pick what those needs and wants are and how I am going to fill them! And who knows me better and what will bring me joybetter than me? See, even this is a new awareness! I get to decide what I am willing to do to get what I need. I am the one who says what will take priority in what time I have left on this earth. Do I accept this now or do I continue sitting around feeling sorry for myself and being hurt and angry because I don't "feel" special enough or because I don't feel like I am being treated right. I believe I will chose acceptance. And so this leads to the final "A" word, Action.

Now I have to take the appropriate action to get my needs met. To be truly happy and content. And I finally know how. After all these years I finally know how to be happy. Are you ready? Its so simple, I have heard it so many times and thought how ridiculous it sounded, but now I find it is true. The action I can take is to be the person I have been looking for! Be that motivator I need in order to accomplish things and try new things. Be that best friend who accepts me warts and all. Go do the very things I don't want to do but know will make me feel confident and better about myself. Encourage myself to go do something I am afraid to do. Bottom line, it is up to me to cherish myself. To show others what a wonderful lady I am, how important I am. Stop hiding under all this self-pity and self loathing waiting for others to pull me up and wash me off. Its not their responsibility. Sure I would still love to experience being cherished, being extra special to someone and deep down I know I am, but yet it would be nice to have it reaffirmed with action on another's part. But today it is what it is. And to be quite frank, I am actually excited about the idea of being my own best friend. No one can tell me whats best for me or what I "should" do if I am not depending on them to make me happy.

Wow, three simple words and yet such a big impact on me. Lately I have begun small changes, but now I am working on bigger ones. And I am walking through fears. Yesterday for example. I got up and thought to myself, "I don't want to come straight home after work." So I packed up my lap top and decided I was going to do something I never had the nerve to do before. I was going to go to a coffee shop, order myself a latte and type away. After all, isn't that what real writers do? I love coffee shops. I love watching people. But my plan backfired. I got all set up only to find I couldn't get on their internet site, and since I was alone I didn't have help. Then I couldn't get my latte because the worker behind the counter was busy washing all the parts to the coffee machine! Oh well, the important thing I had to remember was that I finally did it. I acted on a desire in spite of the fear and uncomfortable feeling of believing I wasn't good enough to be there. I had taken responsibility to do something I would enjoy doing and I didn't have to have someone with me. I was being a grown up! OK, so maybe it didn't work out this time. But its the fact that I took action! I didn't use my husband as an excuse as to why I couldn't do something, that I needed to get home to him. Isn't that what married women are supposed to do, go straight home and cook supper? He is wonderful in that area. I have the best of both worlds really. A terrific husband who does not have a problem with me having a life of my own and doing things that do not include him. Remember, we don't have a whole lot in common nor share the same interests. But what we do have is pretty darn nice and I will take that over divorce any day!

So, as new awareness's crop up, as I slowly accept them and take the risk of acting upon them in which ever way that may be, I have a very good feeling I am beginning a whole new journey in my life. That this is the beginning of the next chapter in my life. I feel like a little girl who is just beginning her first year in kindergarten. Excited and scared all at the same time. And of course not being able to wait to share it with someone! Thankfully I am being blessed on a regular basis with new and wonderful friends I can share the good and the difficult situations with. I have a new motto for my life, if it doesn't enhance my life nor make me a better person, than it or they do not belong in my life. I get to choose now who and what will be a part of my life. Wow that is a good feeling. I used to believe I should be happy with anyone willing to be in my life. Talk about having it back words!

Birthday Blues to Birthday Blessings.

I am not sure what happened this year. I have never been effected by a birthday as I have this year. And its not even a mild stone birthday. I turned 57. But somehow it finally struck me I wasn't young anymore. I wasn't even middle aged. I have been finding myself taking stock of my life and realizing how many years I have wasted on thinking and writing about what I was going to do or what I needed to do, yet never doing any of it! The question keeps popping into my head, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Am I gong to change something? If so, what? Who is this person living in my skin? If I continue on this journey of discovery will I like who I meet?

All my life I have allowed others to tell me who I should be. What I was worth. I was never encouraged to go after what I wanted. And eventually I stopped wanting. I quit dreaming. Little by little I became a people pleaser. Doing and saying what I thought would make you happy, and if you were happy than I could be happy. Everything depended on what others thought or felt. And as long as I didn't have to confront you or do something that might hurt you or make you mad, even though I was suffering, life was ok. What I didn't know was that I was slowly, little by little losing who I was and becoming bitter and angry. You saw me laughing and joking. But you didn't see the hurt little girl inside. Now, the past year has slowly begun changing me. What used to be tolerable is no longer tolerable. How I see things is different. I don't want to be a chameleon any longer. And so now I have to re-define who I am. Perhaps the real sentence should be, now I need to define myself since I really have never had my own identity. it is this realization that has brought about these sudden crazy ideas. Ideas of wanting to change everything, my wardrobe, my house. I want to start over completely. But the stinker is this; I don't know who or what I want to change into! So I just keep going through my closet looking and looking but not knowing what to throw out because I don't know what I want to replace it with! I have ideas in my head but I don't have a lot of money to spend on a whole new wardrobe. And its not like I want a lot. As a matter of fact one thing I have learned about myself is that I am becoming less and less materialistic in the fashion sense and leaning more and more towards simplicity with color. But now I have this huge pile of clothes that I have no idea what to do with!

That's it! I have to simplify my life. Get rid of all the clutter inside my house and inside my head. I want to learn how to keep my life simple. Let the world continue on without me trying to fix it all.

So how do I start? Where does an older women begin a new "her". How do I find out what my passion is? Where does a person get motivation to try new things? I haven't a clue where to start. My house is showing the clutter and confusion that is going on in my head. Am I having a mid-life crisis? Do women have mid-life crisis like men do? I can't imagine someone my age even thinking about being with a man ten years younger than myself. What do young men see in old shriveled up women anyway? Why would you go after last weeks leftovers when you can have a fresh steak today? I even changed doctors a few years back because I couldn't stand the idea of a young male doctor examine me and seeing this old body. It was getting embarrassing.

Getting older brings about so many questions and desires all at once. I feel both anxious of growing older faster, and yet at the same time there is something deep inside me that is excited. There is an enthusiasm and hope I hadn't experienced before. I want to try new things even if afraid. I want to learn everything, yet don't know where to start so I just sit around in front of the t.v. contemplating and watching women around me living their lives and wishing it were me. Well by golly, it is me! I talked to my husband, Steve, (its time to give him a name don't you think?) and I am going to join "Curves" My only concern is, if I lose weight that I do not need to lose, where is the extra skin going to go? Let me explain how this question came about.

This past weekend I was out shopping for bras. Yes, I still need bras. I am not at that stage yet where they sag down enough to just tuck into my underpants. So there I was trying on this bra in my usual size. Or so I thought. I was in for a rude awakening. The scale may say I still weigh the same but my body parts weren't getting the message! There was skin and fat coming out all over that bra! I just stood there staring at myself wondering when the hell does it stop? Every day I am seeing changes confirming I have lost the last bit of youth I had. Let me just say this. The full length mirror is no longer my friend. I couldn't tell what was skin and what was fat. Did I need to lose weight or would that just cause more wrinkled skin to hang over and through my bra? Not to mention over my pants. It was horrible having to walk out of that fitting room and tell my husband, "I need a bigger size." He just smiled and said, "Aren't you glad you tried them on first?" I wanted to hit him and scream, "No you idiot! I don't feel glad about anything right now!" But I remained calm. After all it wasn't his fault. He hadn't seen what I saw. Then I realized he had seen it!  We are married for goodness sakes!  But when I complained to him how terrible I looked and that from now on I was getting dressed in the bathroom and he was not to look when I got into bed any more, he just laughed and reminded me that he too was changing and sagging and that we were growing old together. Personally I think he was trying to "get some." I guess that could be a compliment in a cute sort of way. At least he still finds me attractive  sagging skin and all. But I am still horrified by what I saw. Some women would tell me to embrace it. Accept it as a part of life. I say to you, screw this embracing crap. I want my old body back!  So I did something I knew would make me feel young and sexy again, even for just a short time. I seduced my husband into making love to me. Yes, in case some young lady in her thirties is reading this, we still have sex in our fifties and sixties. Lets just say its "different." And it worked. And  I got up the next morning feeling ok with who I was. But there are other areas in my life to remind me daily I am an older woman. Not middle aged, older.

In the work place for instance. I have noticed how old I feel suddenly. I look around and realize there is only one other lady in the office who is older than I. And she will no doubt retire in few years. I wish I could look forward to retirement. I sometimes worry if my husband and I will have the opportunity to have a few good years to enjoy after working so hard for so many years. Seems like our government just wants to keep us baby boomers working until we die so they don't have to pay us social security. I believe that is why they keep raising the retirement age. Makes me feel so powerless and mad. Ok, back at the office. I notice the younger generation, or maybe its just a sign of the times; but people don't have the same work ethnics. I work with a person who does just enough to keep their job while I have to pick up the slack. Others are on their phones texting or talking constantly throughout the day. And I know I am seen as an old lady, I am left out of things a lot and don't fit in. I don't have kids in school or my job is not tied into other jobs in the office so there is really no reason to come talk to me. Sad but true. I don't feel happy at work. Thank goodness for the friendships I am developing outside of work. This is not to say I don't get along in the office. My sense of humor makes me belong in a small way. Making people laugh is one trait I can hang onto. It is fun to see I can bring laughter to others, even in the workplace of young people.

There is a positive thing in my life right now. I am developing relationships with other women who have the same feelings as I do and are going through or have been through the mid-life crisis and hot flashes. I am reading "The Hot Flash Club" and can relate so much to what these ladies are doing, it is a great book if you are feeling alone and like you are crazy. It is a relief to realize there is a name for what I am going through. Menopause.

So, I have allowed myself to be affected in a couple negative areas due to this birthday for a while now which is why I haven't blogged actually. Didn't know if this is what I really want to blog about anymore. Who cares about what a woman in her menopausal years is going through? Who cares to read about my new adventures I feel coming up. That's where the excitement is about. Although I am whining a bit, ok a lot; I also have this positive sense that something good and wonderful is coming my way. I only need to be ready and open to it when it comes. I need to be willing to take risks and to stand up and say, "This is who I am now and I don't care what you think." I don't even have to believe it all the time, you know that saying, "Fake it til you Make It." What I want today may not be what I want tomorrow. I keep changing my mind day to day! And you know what? As far as I am concerned that is ok with me. Life now is all about change for me. Experimenting to see what fits and what doesn't in my new journey. My next phase of life.

Now it is up to me to begin living to suit myself. Begin doing those things that will boost my self-confidence and respect. I know now that these things cannot come from other people. I can be encouraged and pushed in a positive direction, but ultimately it is up to me who I am comfortable being. I am the one who has to live in my own skin. I believe I was born with a certain amount of creativity. I see things others don't when out in nature; like faces or animals in a tree bark or on a mountain side. I love colors and find bright colors excite me. But I don't know how to put them together or if I need to. That's where friends who know these things can help. I want to learn how to create and think outside the box. Take risks with colors and designs. Maybe even begin learning new hobbies like sketching. Oh how I love stencil drawings!

In a couple months I hope to have my very own room completed. It will be my sanctuary. Away from the front of the house.  I am in the planning stages right now of how I want to set it up as a meditation/craft room.  Again friends will help. But first there is a lot of de-cluttering I have to do in another room so we can move the stuff out of one into another to make this happen. It is over-whelming if I don't remember to take one little section at a time. That is something else I have learned. I don't have to complete something in a hurry before enjoying other things. I can work hard for a short period of time on one part of my life while at the same time, taking breaks and working on the things I enjoy. I used to believe I couldn't enjoy something unless I completed certain tasks. So I would find myself doing nothing. Just lying around watching t.v. feeling sorry for my boring life. Well let me say this. Lately my life is not boring. Cluttered and confusing at times, but definitely not boring.

So, my main object is to get out of this slump. Stop focusing on the things I wished I had done or done differently and start focusing on the things I can do today. Really put an honest effort into living in the moment.  And asking myself, is this really what I want to be doing or am I doing it to impress someone or because I think I should.  Am I going to figure out what my passion is and blog about that! In the meantime I will continue just sharing my day to day awareness's and hoping I am not alone in my insane thinking. Wait a minute! I am blogging my topic, my passion. What life through menopause is about! Duh. When did that stop being enough? When did I begin to doubt what I was blogging about?

I didn't want my readers, if I still have any, to think I had stopped writing. I was just "on a break" you might say. Now I need, no, want to get back to working on the room de-cluttering.  But I must be able to live with piles as I move these rooms around. Its like the emotional changes going on in my head. I have to allow the noise once in a while in order to enjoy the quiet thoughts. I will put up with a temporary messy house so I can one day enjoy a quiet personal room all my own. Maybe this birthday slump has finally passed! And all I had to do was share it. Just getting it out has helped me to see that all I need to do is accept that this is part of life that I cannot change. So lets do what will make it less painful and more enjoyable. Even if this means being and acting a little crazy at times.
I guess women do have their own mid-life crisis after all. I just haven't heard any share about theirs. My poor husband. He has no idea what is ahead for him. But at least we can go through this craziness together and laugh at each other on the way. Now I can see all the many blessings I have in my life and will say, Cathie, Happy Birthday!

Living outside the box, Can I really do it?

I have always been a black and white thinker. It either was it was not. No maybe. I didn't know how to think "outside the box." Or maybe I was afraid to. I don't always trust my own decisions or ideas. I have come to see this in colors as well. All my clothes have to be matched "perfectly", no mixing. Truth be told, I don't know how to mix colors. So I stick to the boring wardrobe of matching outfits. And I am hating it more and more. It is not me. I am a colorful person, I am fun and enjoy experimenting and trying new things. Yet to see my home or closet, you would get a different impression of who I am. Those of you who know me, maybe you too, see me different than what I am writing about who I want to be.

How does one mix colors without going to the extreme? I see these women who wear colorful scarves with colorful long skirts and I think to myself, how does she do that? I want to do that. But I am so afraid of mixing the wrong colors and proving to people I am "way out there." On the other hand, who cares, really? Isn't it time to be true to myself and have a little fun?

To be a creative woman I need to "act the part". Be creative in all I do. How I live. But I need teachers. I need women in my life who are not afraid to dress outside the wardrobe sort of speak. Women who are creative in their own right, their own crafts. We cannot know what we do not know! No matter how old I get, I am always finding new interests I didn't know I had. Or new things I like. For instance, just the other day I was in my craft closet and was looking for a button. I opened one of the drawers I keep my colored buttons and suddenly it struck me, I love buttons! Always been drawn to the different button racks whenever I go into a fabric store; but I didn't realize why. And I never thought for an instant I could just buy them because I liked them! No way, that's thinking outside the box. You can't just buy something cause you like it! No, you need a reason. At least that is how I used to think. Lately, if it hasn't shown yet, I have been changing my thinking process. Or maybe my Creator is working through me since I have begun to relax and give him more control in my life. Anyway, I am now the button collector lady.

Is this all just a midlife crisis? Wanting to be a totally different person than I have been all my life? I really believe deep down that I have always had a creative person living inside me. But she was pushed way down as child by insults and degrading remarks. Eventually that part of me just gave up. Now she is slowly, shyly creeping back up to the surface and this time I want her to fly! To express herself completely. Who would it be hurting? I am nervous, lets be honest. To change who people have known you to be is not always comfortable for them or yourself. They may not like the new me and see her as a quirky kind of women. Hell, they may think I have gone over the edge or am manic! There I go again, being more worried about what others will think than allowing myself to just be me and be happy. Worrying about making sure others will see me in a positive light rather than step out and be who I want to be.

I am not completely happy inside. No one is to blame but me. Not being honest with who you are and living as that person can only bring about a sense of anxiety. Not liking parts of yourself and unable to change them is difficult. I just don't know where or how to start. I know what styles excite me when I see them on other women. Styles that shout out creativity, clothing that lets people know you are not afraid to be different. I don't want to be afraid to be different. But I am. And that is the part of me I dislike so much. Its that people-pleaser in me that I want to squash into the ground.

So then, where to begin. First I have to make a list of what colors I like. Then a list of things in the house to get rid of and bring in. Then there is a list of To-Dos to get the house and my wardrobe into what I desire. Oh there is that darn list again. No more lists. I will do this; when I see something I like, something I find appealing and grabs my attention, I will write it down! Then later I will bring it to mind and see how I can duplicate it so it fits me. I certainly don't want to "copy" someone else or become their clone.

It is time to gain the courage I need to be the person I want to be. Who I believe I have always been but was never allowed to as a child growing up. There was no room for being different, my goodness what would people think! So I went with the style that was going on. Remember the long frizzed out hair? The wide pants and the headbands? Tie-dyed clothes. (My parents hated it and forbid us to wear them). Of course it is all coming back now. I don't want to go back in time. But must say I do like the tie-dye.

Perhaps I should just put money aside each week and ask one of the ladies who I admire the way they dress to take me shopping. (At a thrift store of course). I don't have the finances to just go shopping in some outrageous shop that sells outrageous clothing. I just need a few scarves, some material to make the skirts, I saw some I really liked this weekend but didn't have the funds to buy it. Maybe I need a pattern that doesn't call for so much material to make.

I am babbling. Babbling because I am growing more and more frustrated and anxious about all this. It may seem petty to you, but at my age I don't have thirty years to get it together! 

I could go through my closet and start ripping different pieces I don't really like apart and mixing them up and sewing them together. A sleeve off one blouse I don't necessarily like and sew it onto another top I am not in love with and make a whole new blouse of mix and match and bam! A blouse that is different, creative and me! How difficult can that be? Ok, maybe I better ask for help.

Well, guess I will quit writing and go do something creative. I am working on a cross stitch for Halloween, if I don't start on it I won't have it done and will put it away with all the other holiday crafts I start and don't get done in time for the holiday. But no more. From now on I am going to finish what I start and on time! Gosh, I sure hope I am not the only one who has these crazy ideas and thoughts that go round and round in our heads some days.

Death, do you ever wonder how it will happen to you?

Do you ever wonder about your death? How it will happen? Traffic accident, disease, murder even. I do. I will listen to the news and hear about the death of someone and think, "how will I die?" Sometimes it scares me not to know and I wonder if I have the right to decide when and how. But I believe this is considered suicide and thankfully today I am not feeling suicidal. There have been times in the past when I was seriously considering taking my own life and that was different than what I am talking about today. That type of thought process is horrible and very painful. I am so grateful that for today I have been relieved of that lonely, depressive way of  thinking and feeling.

It is amazing to me sometimes of how innocent or naive we americans really are. How we live our lives with the sense of freedom from war or the possibility of being bombed. When I mention this to people I run at work or somewhere else, I get this look as if to say, lady you are crazy, (maybe I am); but what about 911? Did anyone think such a tragedy would hit us back then? OK then, I rest my case.

Back to this dying thing. Am I the only one that lays awake at night pondering the possible ways I might die? Or think about it as I am driving down the highway and how I could be hit by a flying object that has fallen off a vehicle five cars ahead of me. (It has happened,  not to me of course but it could)! Or maybe I will be sitting in a restaurant or walking through the store spending money I don't have and a shooter will come in and just start  unloading his semi-automatic. You read about that all the time, and yet I bet you my pay check that those innocent victims didn't get up that morning and say, "wow, I bet I'm going to get shot today" or, "I think an object is going to fly through my windshield and decapitate my head on the way to work today". No, we get in our cars and assume we will return home after work.

Sometimes, and I know this is going to sound really out there, I believe those who are terminally ill are luckier than the sudden death people. I mean, none of us wants to die really, but the fact is we all will some day some how. At least if you are terminal and know it is coming you have time to plan, to day good byes, and best of all, you no longer have to wonder to yourself, "How will I die?"

In case it hasn't become apparent to you yet, I am a projector. A negative one most tell me. I am working on it and trying to project positive things for my future, but the old thinking continues to come in and haunt me at times. It's the powerlessness maybe, the sense of not having control over an aspect in my life. I need control in order to feel safe. And yet that too is a fallacy, but that's another post. I just am afraid sometimes of my future. And sometimes I am more afraid of living than dying when I obsess about the ways my last years might be spent. Like crippled out on the streets because we lost our jobs; or as a prisoner of war. Or maybe even through a dreaded disease like Lou Gerigs where I would have to rely on trusting the person who is caring for me. Yeah, that sits well with a non-trusting person.

As we age, both my spouse and I feel our vulnerability to the world around us. We see how little respect and fear the younger generation have for us older people and have realized that now we are the ones afraid of these arrogant little people. We are at the mercy of young people who are filled with anger and violence and have no concept of what another human beings life is worth. We are also at the mercy of our jobs. Will we have one next week? Will our companies, both of which are small, still be in business a month from now? Or will the greedy corporations over take them? Then what will happen to us? Will we end up on the streets and die of starvation or murder? I know I would never survive living on the streets for long. Look how afraid I get and I live in a nice home with a comfortable bed to sleep in every night.

As I write these thoughts I start smiling. Not because they are wonderful things to think about and I am excited they might happen to me, that would be insanity. No, I am smiling because earlier today I had lunch with three wonderful ladies who I am feeling are becoming friends, and it reminds me that I am not alone in this world. We have friends in our lives who would never allow us to live on the streets. And more importantly, I need to remember I have a God in my life today that would give me the courage and strength to face what comes, including the very bad. But to be truthful, I don't want to experience it. I don't want to be uncomfortable or afraid just so God can prove his existence in my life. I would rather learn this through others going through suffering and seeing their strength because of their faith in their God. My faith is still developing, I'm not ready for the really bad stuff that can happen in life.

So I wonder, how will I die? I don't know. That's the problem. Or is it? Do I really want to know? Would it change how I am living or what I do with my life? Not sure it would. But the fear of how quickly I am aging and life is passing by makes me feel this anxiety within; an anxiousness to do everything right now. It brings up a sense of time is running out and I am not going to be able to do it all. Plus I don't know what "it all" is that I want to do yet. I drive my husband crazy sometimes because I get compulsive during these times and have to go buy all these items right now for all the craft projects I am going to learn how to do, like sewing, painting, you name it I am going to learn it before I get hit by a boulder driving down the mountain! Then I end up having all this stuff and not having the serenity to sit down and do any of it. I have gotten myself so worked up about not having enough time before I die or am killed that I can't relax enough to start any of it. I get home and suddenly I am struck with a weariness, or exhaustion and I suddenly have no energy for any of it. But thats not the only thing stopping me from accomplishing the things I desire, it is not lack of time, though I work full time. Its lack of motivation, discipline and not having friends in my life who share the same interests that could push me to get these projects started or finished. (Is that another excuse? Crap, I hate when the truth pushes into my writings).

I need to join sewing, writing, painting and knitting clubs so I can learn all these things. I know all the basics and can do them as a beginner. However, when it comes to going further in any of them I get confused and can't move on. Instead of seeking out help because "I don't want to bother anyone", I give up on the idea and stick to what I can do. Thankfully though, I am meeting women who do these crafts and are willing to help me learn. Again my god is bringing into my life who and what I need in order to feel creative. Because that is who I am. I am a creative being and since learning this about myself a while back I have become more anxious about my death. (You thought I got off that topic didn't you). Whenever I find I am happy about something or decide I am going to do something enjoyable, maybe even make a living out of it somehow, I become obsessed with dying. I start thinking it is too late and if I start I won't be able to succeed because I will probably find out I have cancer or something, so maybe I shouldn't get too excited about this stuff I am liking. Isn't this pathetic?

So now I have a new perspective on life that I am going to try to live by. I am going to look at each day as a possibility to succeed at something. Anything. Whether its starting a new project or finishing one. Or perhaps I will do what I am doing right now, go out on the deck with a cup of coffee and my lap top and write something. ( I used to dream about the day I would own a lap top and be a "real" writer typing away her stories). Of course I get so involved in what I am writing that my coffee gets cold, but what the heck, its the idea of sitting on my deck and enjoying it for a little while instead of lying on the couch wasting another beautiful day that matters. Wasting it because I don't want to get too used to enjoying something that might be taken away by sudden death. Am I the only one that thinks this way? Being afraid to enjoy something because it probably won't last and I don't want to miss it later? I sure hope not. But again, I am trying a new way of thinking; what if I thought instead, "I have the time why don't I do it while I can, even if it is only for a day?" (Cause we don't know if I will die in a car accident tonight on the way to an event or something).

What I do know about my death is, I don't want to suffer. Who does. But I don't want to suffer in a way that is full of agony and fear, like with Lou Gerigs Disease where I am at the mercy of someone else's care. Just shoot me please. I don't have enough trust in God yet to handle such a way of death. Where my life is in the hands of someone who might be having a bad day and forgets I might need my breathing tube checked. Or that my last moments will be long and torturous like you read in the news of kids or adults being tortured before dying. Ok, I can't move on in this thinking and I am sure you can not move on reading it so lets move along shall we? Lets for now accept we are alive, we are well and we are safe at this moment. Lets breath in and out while we can. As a matter of fact, why don't we try breathing in and out SLOWLY, and try to enjoy it. Bet you can't.

It felt good to get these thoughts out. They have had me in turmoil for some time. A few weeks ago I was at a friends and we were just talking when suddenly there was a very loud thunder. No lightening to warn us it was coming. We both jumped out of our skins. And it got me thinking. Again, we are so naive, so arrogant really, that it never occurred to us it could have been a bomb. Why would we. We are convinced as US citizens to believe our country could never be penetrated by another lesser country. How conceited of us! Read the papers people, listen to the news. We are not all that loved by all these countries we keep trying to save. Do you really think any of them would come to our rescue if we were to be attacked? I don't think so. So this brings me back to my main concern on how will I die. Will it be as a POW? I can't survive that. I am too old, too fragile and too spoiled to survive encampment or worse. I barely make it through a day of sitting in a chair for eight hours without suffering from back pain, how the heck will I survive a work camp? I guess I really don't have to worry about that, the captors would take one look at me and say, "shoot her, she's useless to us." That may not be a bad thing actually.

Well, once again I have to remember there are somethings I have no control over and worrying and obsessing over them isn't going to make it any easier or less frightening. It will however take away the joy and fun away that I could be having at that moment instead.

This for instance, sitting on my deck, alone, except for my neurotic dog (of course I couldn't owe a quiet, well adjusted animal), and heavy loud traffic the whole time I have been writing on my blog. Which, by the way, was another thing I never believed I would have the courage to do. Too afraid someone would read it, tell me I suck as a writer and should try something else, even though it has been a passion since I learned how to put letters together to form words. I can't remember a time when I didn't think about a story idea or didn't journal. If I could make a living by writing and reading I would be spending my latter years in glory. But I don't see that happening. But then I never saw myself owning a lap top and writing a blog for the public to read either, so I guess I will take that idea off the "never" list and put it on the "possibly" list! Now that's different. I won't let the fear I will get to do what I love for a living and find out I am dying stop me from continuing  my passion to write. I will continue to write and maybe find out I am not alone in my insane thinking, and I will also continue to write out story ideas for small magazines. How is that for positive thinking? Who knows, maybe I will get back to writing poetry like I did as a kid. It was sad poetry about the things going on in the home and how I felt, but to be honest it was good if I do say so myself. I wish I had kept it. But I never keep what I write, only what I journal. So blogging will help with this as well.

Ok reader, I will let you off the hook now and end this dreadful piece with a positive note. I have two choices today;  I can allow my obsession on how and when I might die keep me from doing things I enjoy because I won't be able to continue them; or, I will do what I can when I can while I am breathing and able to. So what if it is only for a day or hour? At least for that day or hour I was at peace and enjoying myself. I was free from worldly fears and chaos. I think I will pick number two. I hope you will as well.

My God Does For Me What I Cannot Do for Myself.

God does for me what I cannot do for myself. I heard this a few times but it was never truly personal to me until a few days ago. I suddenly realized that was who God was to me. A being more powerful than I who would guide me and give me strength to get through bad times. A loving spirit that would forgive my weaknesses and give me courage to press on. God changes my thoughts and brings about small miracles within me and around me. I see the changes often lately. I never feel alone when I remember to stop what I am doing and think about this all knowing, all powerful being I choose to call God.

Some people have different concepts and beliefs who God is to them and that is ok. I believe God is all things to all people. He comes to us in ways we can know personally to ourselves. Where we are born and raised will define our God. What life brings our way will define our God. But no matter what, I have come to believe in a Being whom I choose to call God today. But I refuse to put him in a box and try to define who or what he looks like. All my life I have tried to find the "right" belief or God so I would not "go to hell" and it has only brought about confusion and at times fear. But never peace, never joy. Today, I have joy and inner peace because I have come to accept and trust that God loves me and will do for me what I cannot do for myself even if I don't believe another's concept of who he is or is not.

My creator will grant me serenity when I am in turmoil or indecision. He will grant me courage when I am in fear and need to walk through a situation that I am uncertain about. And, he will give me wisdom to know what I can change and what I cannot. Sometimes I just don't know. The kicker is, I have to be willing to stop and ask him for these things. God will never push himself on me. He will never force himself into my life. I have to invite him. And each morning that is exactly what I try to remember to do before leaving for work. And on a good day, I will remember to pause and take a break to think about this new relationship I am developing each day. One day I hope to be able to do it upon waking up, but right now I still need that cup of coffee or two to even know it is morning!

Since I have finally come to this belief in who God is for me I have felt peace, encouragement and a sense of "I can do anything with his help." I believe in myself more and in my abilities to create because it is no longer me doing it alone. My creator is guiding me through his spirit within. He is opening my eyes to see what needs to be written or drawn. If I keep my spiritual eyes open I will see someone he may want me to call or go to. If I keep my spiritual ears open I will hear his voice telling me what my next step should be in order to do his will. And if I open my mouth in love I will be given the correct words needed at the right time to the right person. What can be better than all this?

But I am unable to do this all the time. I need to be reminded daily by readings, time speaking to God and then listening quietly. Most times it is through friends who see me going in the wrong direction or getting into "controlling" a situation, which causes me fear or for my pride to get in the way of serenity and peace, to remind me with a simple question, "where is God in all this Cathie?".

I have to leave now for work but these thoughts were strong and I realize that as a journal, I do not need to write long pages in order to get my personal feelings and thoughts out. I simply need to get on line and share them when they come. If I don't they will disappear. It is best to just get it out and allow the true Cathie to come out on paper. I hope their are others who have struggled in their faith and have found a God of their own understanding, a God that brings them peace within. If not, all I can say is keep searching, keep praying. He will come in a way that is comforting to you in a very personal way. Just stop listening to who he is for others and not allow these well meaning people to define God for you, like I have all my life. Good luck and may you be filled within yourself soon.