Wallop!!

God disciplines those he loves, and he sure does love me, let me tell you! I  received a good wallop from the Lord this week. He tried speaking to me; warning me, but I did not listen. Instead I continued to judge and complain about life around me. My focus was taken off God and onto Cathie. Where God tried to show me what he wanted from me; I took it as him wanting to show it to others. To share with fellow Christians how "we" were not living Christ-like. After all, if I was being filled with such passion and conviction regarding this matter, how could it not be God's will that I share it with those around me. Didn't they need to hear it? Wasn't my opinion more important than their feelings? God's messge cannot be limited by how others might feel. Right? Warning #1.
As Christians, we have an obligation to live our lives as Christ lived his. To stand up for Jesus and what he taught no matter who we are with, or what situation we are in. It is our responsibilities as Christians to look different from what the world says we ought to look. So if God is giving me this message in a passionate, strong manner in my spirit, then he must want me to convict others, yes? Warning # 2.  

You see, for a few weeks I thought I was Moses!! What I failed to remember was that Mose's did not have the gift to speak God's message to the people; he needed someone more able and gifted with speech so others could the warnings and encouragement of God without taking it for granted or with offence. In a manner they would listen to and hear. All my words were doing was causing others to be uncomfortable and perhaps even a little angry with me. Feeling judged. But did not those who heard the Apostles words take offense? Didn't they get angry? And yet they continued to speak the truth. So who is to say God was not putting these things on my heart to warn those around me? Warning # 3. And we all know, three strikes and 

Wallop!!

My faith journey goes through periods where doubts overwhelm me. No matter how hard I try to make a piece of the puzzle fit, it will not go in. The negatives of this world, stresses on the job and just plain self-righteousness take control of my emotions. When allowed, these negative infiltrations consume me to the point of no return. I am driven into an open field of powerlessness  and for a time satan takes me for a ride in his plow of despair and judgement. He feeds on my insecurities and fears until I can only see what is wrong in the Christian world and I am blinded from the good. I question every motive behind an act. No one is doing what Cathie believes they should be doing in their walk with Christ. I become a Christian sister with a worldly heart. And I pay the price. Sometimes I even hurt others, those I love the most because I think I am sharing God's truth, when in reality I am sharing what is my truth. God is speaking to me about what needs to be changed in me; not others. No matter how strong the conviction, it is not my responsibility to judge those around me. It is only my responsibility to warn them or speak to them one on one in love. And so far, I have not been placed in that position.  

God is so gracious. He allows me to flounder in my self-righteousness and arrogance for just so long; and then, Wallop, I am hit so hard with humility and truth I cannot ignor it. It may come in the form of the scriptures or it may come through the words of a brother or sister in Christ. ( I prefer the first way), I guess Jesus thought I needed a whacking this time becaue I was hit in both ways. I didn't listen to the first when reading the word and hearing my sinfulness, so he sent it in the form of a fellow brother. Man did that hurt!

God is so mericful and gracious however, that today I was able to sit back and rejoice in the truth of who I have become. Though just a few nights ago I was not rejoicing. I was crying my eyes out to my heavenly father, asking for his forgiveness and the ability to make amends where needed. God in his mercy and love showed me just how self-righteous and opinionated I was becoming in my faith walk, how it was causing me to judge Christianity once again. Satan was returning full force with his armor of fear and doubt and I was not ready. My eyes had fallen off God and onto the world and people around me.

Although I continue to believe we are all accountable as believers in Christ to try to live differently than the world or as we did prior to knowing Christ, it is not up to me to judge how others are living or what they are doing in their relationships with Christ. What arrogance to believe I had this power!

At work I am constantly reminded that not all people who profess to believe in Jesus are not always the most loving and kind people. This truth causes disapointment and embarassment. It causes me to take my focus off those who do live lives full of love and concern for others and onto those who do not. My expectations of fellow Christians and myself are too high. They are not humanly possible for anyone to live up to. And although there are believers who live solely on the merits of grace who do not to do what is right, it is not my place to judge them. I must remember always that God is the ultimate judge, not Cathie. God is where my focus needs to be, not on me and those around me. This can be very difficult when life around me is full of anger and greed. When I do not understand the things of God or this world. But it must be remembered that it is not up to me to understand all things. Satan wants me to trouble over why things happen to some and not others. He wants me to doubt eternity and my faith. He does not want to know in my heart that God is God. He is who He says he is. All Powerful and Knowing. That is all I need to know sometimes.

I have been so busy looking at my faults and weaknesses (and therefore the fault and weaknesses of others), that I failed to see the wonderful, forgiven woman God has created in me today. When I allow satan room to wander in my mind, I allow fears and character defects to sprout. Weeds of anger and confusion grow where my Lord had planted flowers of love and peace. Twigs made of fear and insecurities are standing where trees of strength and courage were meant to be. All because I took my focus off of God and who He is.

My confidence was being placed in the hands of human beings when it should have been placed in the hands of God. I had forgotten to look beyond this world and its insanity and greed.

I do not know for certain how this crept up; this sense of self-righteousness and terror. Perhaps it was when things began to get out of control in my work environment. Perhaps it is this wonderful blessing called menopause, (yes, you can pray for my husband now),  I don't really know. All I do know is inspite of what I may believe or think during these times of insanity, God is constant and in control. I only have to surrender my will and my life once again into his care; and as he did over and over again in the Old Testament, he does with me today, he forgives and walks with me each moment I allow His presence to dwell upon me.

The last couple days I am seeing in the scriptures the wonderful things God has for me. His wonderful encouragement and strength in the word of God. How I have missed these times and look forward with excitement and anticipation as I begin to share with you, whoever you might be, the blessings and lessons God brings to my attention. God has messages for each of us. And they are different for each of us. All we can do is share what He shows us with one another and let him decide who needs to hear it.
I do not have the answers for how other Christians should live. Only how I ought to live. I do not have the gift of seeing into other's hearts and minds; therefore I cannot possibly know what they are doing or why. Of late I have forgotten this truth and fallen into the sin of judgement. This is something I do whenever I find wrong doing in myself. I want to hide it by sharing this sin. Making it about you instead of me. Isn't that an unselfish thing to do, wouldn't you agree? Wallop. I get so passionate about what God is trying to tell "Cathie", that I think he means it for everyone. Then of course, it becomes my duty to share my opinion or "message" with others. Wallop.

What has transpired through all this is the real truth. God tells each of us what he wants us to know. He does not tell me how to judge the actions or lack of actions in my brother and sister's in Christ. When I am filled with a passion or insight that is so overwhelming that it consumes me; I must remember this is a message for me and me alone; it is not a prophesy for others! I do not have that gift. My gift is one of encouragement; one of prayer. So when I try to use a gift that is not mine, I end up destroying relationships with others. I pull them down with my insanity and judgement instead of building them up. Where God intended encourgement from me, I discouraged,  where God desired prayer I doubted instead of using it to get through the turmoils of the situation that had come upon me. And the biggest sin of all is that I hurt the very ones I have come to love and hold most dear to me. They would have listened and guided me through the situation had I only shared it. Instead I ran to the old self of  fear and doubts that say, "I will get through this, no need to bother others. or I shouldn't let them see my weakness lest they doubt God's spirit in me."  Even the disciple's who where with Jesus in person had their moments of fear and doubt, yet I am too strong for that. Wallop.

My focus has been on those who drag me down instead of those whose lives reflect the mind and heart of Christ. For a short period of time, satan was once again given room in my heart to prowl. But because I am filled with the spirit of Christ, the Holy Spirit;because I continued to read the scriptures on a daily basis and share my frustrations and doubts with God throughout the day, I believe the armor of God beat the armor of satan. Truth overcame doubt and the light overcame the darakness. Praise Almighty God.

Today I can thank my heavenly Father for loving me enough to convict me. For without conviction there is no repentance, where there is no repentance there is no forgiveness, and where there is no forgiveness there is no hope. Today I am living in hope. Hope that gets me up in the morning and through the day ahead. This hope tells me it will be ok. Maybe not today, but eventually, it will all be ok. For eternity it will be just fine. So for now, I will bask in his love and strength and go back to encouraging and praying for my wonderful family in Christ. May God continue to remind me of those who have loved me when I was unloveable, and encouraged me when I was discouraged. This too gives me hope that I am never alone in life's battles unless I choose to be.

Did you notice? God wallops me because I need it. Then, he tenderly wrapps me in his arms and lovingly heals the sore spot. The wallop isn't so painful anymore. Man, I just love when God showers me with his love. When I empy myself of fear, anger and judgement and just let his spirit fill me up. I cannot help but smile I write this. I am over-joyed with being back in the "spirit" of things.