My God Does For Me What I Cannot Do for Myself.

God does for me what I cannot do for myself. I heard this a few times but it was never truly personal to me until a few days ago. I suddenly realized that was who God was to me. A being more powerful than I who would guide me and give me strength to get through bad times. A loving spirit that would forgive my weaknesses and give me courage to press on. God changes my thoughts and brings about small miracles within me and around me. I see the changes often lately. I never feel alone when I remember to stop what I am doing and think about this all knowing, all powerful being I choose to call God.

Some people have different concepts and beliefs who God is to them and that is ok. I believe God is all things to all people. He comes to us in ways we can know personally to ourselves. Where we are born and raised will define our God. What life brings our way will define our God. But no matter what, I have come to believe in a Being whom I choose to call God today. But I refuse to put him in a box and try to define who or what he looks like. All my life I have tried to find the "right" belief or God so I would not "go to hell" and it has only brought about confusion and at times fear. But never peace, never joy. Today, I have joy and inner peace because I have come to accept and trust that God loves me and will do for me what I cannot do for myself even if I don't believe another's concept of who he is or is not.

My creator will grant me serenity when I am in turmoil or indecision. He will grant me courage when I am in fear and need to walk through a situation that I am uncertain about. And, he will give me wisdom to know what I can change and what I cannot. Sometimes I just don't know. The kicker is, I have to be willing to stop and ask him for these things. God will never push himself on me. He will never force himself into my life. I have to invite him. And each morning that is exactly what I try to remember to do before leaving for work. And on a good day, I will remember to pause and take a break to think about this new relationship I am developing each day. One day I hope to be able to do it upon waking up, but right now I still need that cup of coffee or two to even know it is morning!

Since I have finally come to this belief in who God is for me I have felt peace, encouragement and a sense of "I can do anything with his help." I believe in myself more and in my abilities to create because it is no longer me doing it alone. My creator is guiding me through his spirit within. He is opening my eyes to see what needs to be written or drawn. If I keep my spiritual eyes open I will see someone he may want me to call or go to. If I keep my spiritual ears open I will hear his voice telling me what my next step should be in order to do his will. And if I open my mouth in love I will be given the correct words needed at the right time to the right person. What can be better than all this?

But I am unable to do this all the time. I need to be reminded daily by readings, time speaking to God and then listening quietly. Most times it is through friends who see me going in the wrong direction or getting into "controlling" a situation, which causes me fear or for my pride to get in the way of serenity and peace, to remind me with a simple question, "where is God in all this Cathie?".

I have to leave now for work but these thoughts were strong and I realize that as a journal, I do not need to write long pages in order to get my personal feelings and thoughts out. I simply need to get on line and share them when they come. If I don't they will disappear. It is best to just get it out and allow the true Cathie to come out on paper. I hope their are others who have struggled in their faith and have found a God of their own understanding, a God that brings them peace within. If not, all I can say is keep searching, keep praying. He will come in a way that is comforting to you in a very personal way. Just stop listening to who he is for others and not allow these well meaning people to define God for you, like I have all my life. Good luck and may you be filled within yourself soon.

Longing to go back "home".

 I spent six days back in CT where I grew up. But realized I have lived here in Colorado longer than in Connecticut. I was anxious about the trip. Wasn't sure how I would get along with my sisters I hadn't seen in 15 years. I had made all these plans. None of which went accordingly. They went better than I had expected. It was six days of fun, laughter and acceptance. To see the beach again was wonderful and we did not see enough of it. Touring Mark Twain's home and Harriet Beecher Stowe was filled with interesting facts. I want to learn more about this amazing woman, she was way ahead of her time. I was not ready to come home, and I still feel like I am not home. It can only be described as feeling homesick for a home I left years ago. I want to go back there. I would like to spend my last years close to my family and I am going to make it happen some how. Maybe not in a year, perhaps it will take a few years, but it will happen. It was a great surprise to hear my husband, who is a Denver native say he would move without hesitation in his voice. It made it seem more possible. Now what about my son? I won't worry about that just yet as there is a lot to do before making this decision possible. But I will make lists and goals and work towards it one step at a time. If it is to be it will. If not, I do know I will do what it takes to not allow so much time go by again for my next family reunion. I felt I was finally a part of my family and not the outcast I had always felt like. Some of it of my own making. I tend to be over sensitive and can react to people and situations in manners that are not appropriate; over reacting you might say.

Spending time with my best friend from high school whom I hadn't seen in 30 years was one of the best times. It was as if no time had gone by at all! We acted silly and played in her pool all day, we laughed until we cried, shared stories. My husband and her husband got along really well and talked the whole time! It was a day I will cherish for a long time. She showed me what I had been missing all these years. A friendship based on fun, acceptance and encouragement. A friendship where you can't lie about anything because the relationship is too important and its safe to be truthful no matter what it is.

There were sad moments with one sister who is having her own problems with over medicating;  the two times I had time to spend with her were cut short because she was too out of it to have a conversation with. It was my first day and my last. I cried because it hurt so much to see how she was living. I wanted to take her away from it all, but I know it is her problem, not mine to change. I am not responsible for her life. But it was disappointing and though I love her dearly, I did not like the woman I met on this vacation. Although I knew she could not help herself, I still found myself upset and angry that she could not stay straight for my last night in town. But it also showed me who she had become and that I had no control what so ever in how she chooses to live her life.

We can't make others be who we want them to be. I can't even make myself who I want to be. I need my Creator's help. Each morning I pray to be the person I can be that day. Some days I fail. While we were in New York, which by the way I learned I hate New York, I became someone I hated. I allowed another stranger bring out my ugly side and allowed myself to get into a verbal fight in public. I could see my husbands face and right away felt ashamed. He is the only one who can make me feel this way when I am doing something I know is wrong. I embarrassed him and it made me sick for two days. The good side of all this is that I actually knew it was wrong and felt remorse, I knew I was wrong no matter what the other person's actions were. I was wrong in my reaction to her. I broke my new rule; "Let it Begin with Me." When I do something horrible like call someone a name that I would never normally even think of, never mind use out loud, it takes days to forgive myself. To let it go. I want to go back undo it; handle it differently. But everyone kept saying 'let it go". So I will let it go and learn from it. I will meditate on it and ask myself what the underlying cause of my reaction was. No doubt embarrassment and pride had something to do with it. I will accept that I am still "a work in progress" who needs a Higher Power's help to change these things in me. To guide me into that mature spiritual being that I want to be.

I was surprised to find that the two sisters I was most concerned about were the two I loved being around the most. And the one I thought I was going to be happy hanging out with turned out to be the one I least wanted to visit with. It was good that God took over and made it work out that we stayed at a hotel the whole visit. The only regret I have about the visit is that it was too short. I had projected all these things that were gong to go wrong or happen; had discussions in my head on what I was going to say or do when this or that happened. Have you ever done that? And none of it happened! When will I learn to stop projecting the future! God must get such enjoyment watching me continue believing I have control over things in my life. The whole trip was nothing but fun and relaxing. Except for all the traveling. Who knew vacations were so exhausting! I didn't.

Sitting back and just watching the family interact with each other was an eye opener. At the beginning I thought, my they are very sarcastic to one another, yelling a lot. As time went on I began to enjoy their bantering back and forth. I saw the love they had for each other and knew without a doubt they had each other's backs. And when I left I knew for certain they had mine as well. I left feeling I had a family and I want to spend more time with them. I want to be a part of their daily lives. Maybe not daily, but you know what I mean. Family gatherings, having them over for dinner, going shopping, that kind of thing. And I am going to make it happen. And I believe my son will eventually follow us out there. He will have family and I won't have to worry about him being alone in the world when we are gone. Ok, I am beginning to project again. Ok, maybe a bit of controlling as well.

My girlfriend brought back an interest and passion I had a long time ago and had forgotten completely. How much I enjoy book keeping! I love numbers. I loved taking care of people's accounts. When did I lose that? How did I forget and why did I not pursue it? I don't know. I got into the health field in LTC and forgot the one thing I loved doing. So now I will go back to learning what I need to learn to be a bookkeeper. It could mean extra funds for my saving account to go back east next year.

It is exciting to have goals again. To have something to strive for. It will take a lot of discipline and energy, it will mean not allowing others to discourage my desires or cause me to lose hope or belief. It is time to take responsibility for my life and what it is and what it becomes. It is my responsibility to teach others how they can treat me or not treat me. On a couple of occasions on vacation I was given the opportunity to stand up and say that is not what I wanted. Or, this is unacceptable please fix it. And it helped me gain more self confidence.

I know a lot of what is going on within is spiritual. You may not understand this but the fact is; the stronger I grow in my relationship with a spiritual guide; a Creator, the God of creation. Whatever it is you want to refer this Spiritual Being, the stronger a person I become. I have noticed a strong desire lately to be more creative and to trust the creative person within. What I still lack is the discipline to create. I continue to not be willing to give up things like television, computer games etc. and use that time to be creative or be outdoors. I guess if I am to be truthful, I am lazy. I get tired faster. I also believe not having someone who is creative and disciplined in my life helps me to be lazy. To make excuses not to do what I can. I need to meet and be around women who don't allow for excuses. Who encourage me to get off the couch and quit being so lazy. To stop being a child and grow up.

Being with family that is dysfunctional yet loving has brought up something in me I needed for a long time. The sense of forgiveness. I left finally believing deep down I was forgiven for who I had been in the past and loved for who I was today. What a great freedom. Freedom of feeling guilty all these years for not being there for them when they needed me. Freedom from feeling like the outsider. I can text and write now and know they will keep in touch as well. They too, including my nieces want us to move back there. To not wait so long to visit again. I left Connecticut feeling loved.

I know we still have our dysfunctional sides. How could we not with the upbringing we had. You cannot grow up in an alcoholic situation and not come out scarred somehow. But you can overcome those traits if you are willing and I have been willing for some time now. And I will continue to do what it takes to continue to change and accept others as they are. Most important, I will continue to keep a conscious contact with a Higher Power and rely on him to continue changing what needs to be changed in me. I will practice on a daily basis keeping the focus on me; not the other person. What do I need to do that is right. "Let it Begin With Me." I love that saying. I will use it as my mantra as I practice meditating.

I feel so content, so free as I write these words. And I am beginning to find myself writing ideas on the side in a notebook for short stories. I want to get back to writing for children and spiritual insights. Make up stories using real life situations. There is so much I want to do and feel anxious that I have such little time to do it all. Working full time does not make it easier. but again, I cannot make anymore excuses. There is still time in the day to do little things. Before and after work. During lunch breaks. I just have to pray for the willingness and energy, to be willing to get off my butt and start being the woman I can respect and love.

This journal entry has been all over the place. But it is where my head is right now. I am home in Colorado trying to get back into my normal life, yet my heart and mind is still in Connecticut. I don't feel like I am home anymore. It is a weird place to me emotionally. But I know in time it will get back to normal. Maybe going back to work Monday will help. All I can say is, this trip back to see family, to see where I grew up and to be with my friend woke something up in me that has been dormant a long time. Hope of returning home. I gave that up a long time ago and this trip has brought it back up to the surface. It will be interesting to see where it goes from here. Will I act on it or will it go dormant again? Only time will tell.

Getting back a piece of serenity and belief in a Creator though Nature.

Each morning for the past month I ask my Creator to reveal him/herself to me. To open my eyes so I can see him. Yesterday I saw the most beautiful eagle; it was close enough for me to see his wingspan so wide and his red head. He soared above so magnificently. Then this morning I left earlier than usual for my morning walk before work and came upon the mother deer who comes each year. I had to walk slowly to the other side of the road so she would know we were not going to harm her. That was a great sign of the Creator. So I open my eyes and become willing to look for the signs of a power that is big enough to create these animals that simply live each day as they were created to live and minding their own business. These innocent animals do intentionally set out to destroy your garden, they are simply seeking out food. You know, the food source we destroy every time we tear up the earth to build new buildings, homes and dirt bike trails.

When I see small things like this deer, it brings me a sense of being a part of creation in a very spiritual way. Just look at the colors in the flowers. They are natural. They are not colored by human hands, they grow naturally, just the way they are made to. All things in our universe was created perfectly. Created in a way to enhance our lives and bring us close to the spiritual energy that brought life to this planet. A power or God if you wish that created nature in a way to sustain life in a natural way, in a manner that did not need destruction or the touch of man's greedy way of life.

But as we humans evolve we change the natural order of things. We have somehow come to believe we are the ones with the power. We do not need the animals that are apart of the natural order of things. And with this false belief we are destroying the very things that sustain our being. The human race has become their own god. There are those who believe themselves to have the power to do as they please at the cost of lives and living things, including the innocent people who struggle each day to just want to live a simple life without destruction or fear of the corporations and their power to take away our source of living. The people with power do not care about nature or animals or the 'little people's needs, they are too consumed with power and making more money.

 It hurts me every time I drive by a wooded area, a mountain side or open spaces and see it being torn up to build homes or shopping centers. Knowing for a fact there are millions of empty, perfectly good houses people could move into without destroying more earth. Yet they want their own home, a new better home. And so we dig up more earth, we destroy the food and water source for the wild animals and we kill off the very existence of what sustains the earth which in turn sustains us. But don't listen to me; I am just a small person with little knowledge about the corporate world. I am just an animal lover, a lover of nature who wishes she could do something to stop the materialistic growth going on all around me. Is there no wonder we cannot find God? A Creator?

 I cannot help myself from thinking about the small creatures who have homes in these woods and open areas. Creatures that will have to scurry to find new places to get their food source and build homes. Animals like the deer I saw and mountain lions we read about that coming down from the mountains and getting closer to humans; people are scared and want them killed. Yet did they not move into animal territory? Isn't it funny and contradictory to move into the mountains then complain because an elk is in your yard eating your flowers? Or complaining about Mountain lions coming into your property attacking your chickens or small dogs and wanting them killed, come on now, who was living there first? Whose territory did you move into? These wild animals are only doing what they were born to do, hunt for food. Every animal, insect and living things in nature has a purpose. We don't have to understand or know what it is, we only have to accept they are part of the eco system that we depend on for our own survival.

If we study and watch the animal kingdom we see something we can learn if we are willing to be honest, humble and less greedy. Animals do not kill because they are angry, they kill to eat or protect their territory. Animals do not destroy the earth that sustains their food source. There is a peacefulness watching how they go about life simply taking only what they need to survive and no more. And yet we call ourselves the smarter species because God created us as so. Really?

I resent that I am at the mercy of corporations and insurance companies that tell me what I can have or not have depending on my age. I resent that CEO's sit behind big offices making decisions on how to get richer at the expense of our animal kingdom and ourselves as well! These organizations care only about making more money and gaining more power. How it is effecting the natural order of things, the natural order of what was perfectly created and put together is utterly ridiculous. And yet what can I do about it? I am just a lower class woman who lives pay check to pay check. I do not have the means to protect the wild life and natural habitats that these big corporations are destroying. Who would listen to a housewife with no knowledge of the big corporate world.

I find myself some days finding it difficult to believe in a God of creation. When I find this happening it is usually because I have become more focused on what we are destroying and the material world more than on nature and the true creation. My focus is on the worldly events that are out of my control instead of on what is around me here, in my small world, my neighborhood and then I miss the beauty around me like the deer or the eagle. So then I then I know it is time to  take a ride to the mountains where human beings have not yet touched or destroyed the trees and wild life and my faith is restored. My belief that a Creator bigger than the human race exists. We are just hiding it with buildings and material greed. My focus is returned to nature and off worldly matters and things I have no control over. I am able for just a while to "Let Go and Let God" as they say.

So I have returned to my morning prayer as some may call it; I prefer to see it as a conversation with a Higher Power who does not need a name. I ask each day to see what is important. And I ask for the courage to do whatever it is I can no matter how small it may be. Like taking a walk at lunch time and feeding the horses an apple or just sitting on the bench watching the innocent children in the park enjoying the moment, not concerned with the future or yet filled with greed for more 'things" and before I realize it my spirit is restored, my faith is returned, even if for just a short time. But I have to make the time, sacrifice things like sitting in front of the t.v. or playing games on the computer to see the life I was created to see. Perhaps one day I will fulfill a dream of sketching the beauty in our world. Perhaps our Creator will bring me the gift to draw what he/she wants me to see. Or perhaps I will be blessed with a mentor who can help me expand on my writing. Teach me to express what it is I am trying to say in a more professional way. Like the day I saved that skunk with the yogurt cup stuck on his nose. Oh to be able to draw that!

So now, as I come to close and get ready to sleep, I will think about the deer I came upon and smile. I will thank my Creator for showing me his beautiful art. And when I wake up, I will once again ask for my eyes to be opened to the world around me, the little world I live in and see the beauty around me. I will think about ways to rid this little world of the stupid, evil people who live under the false pretense that animals are nothing more than nuisance and get into their gardens. I will fantasize about using my BB gun. Don't worry, it would just be a short fantasy. I wouldn't actually go through with it; that would only make me a part of the very world I want to escape from.

So, if you are reading this and feel strongly about saving our animal kingdom, the mountains and open spaces around us, please respond and let me know how you do your small part to help. I know not to feed the wild animals and yet feel compelled to do something to give back to nature what the big corporations and people of power are taking away. What small act do you do to make yourself feel more a part of creation?

I'm going on a "real" vacation.

I am so frustrated, as usual, just as I get ready to write something on my blog, my husband walks in the door, the cat decides she is going to run all over me and the dog starts wanting in, then back out a hundred times. Whatever it was that I wanted or felt compelled to write goes out of my head. The concentration is gone. My sweet husband thinks going to the bedroom and reading is the answer; forgetting that it now leaves me to have to let the dog in and out. The dear man tries so hard to do the right thing that I can't stay upset with him. OK, I can, just not for long. Then there is the guilt of making him go to the bedroom to read so I can be left alone. There is only one answer and I have finally gotten him to agree. As soon as the bills are paid off from our upcoming trip, our top priority is going to be getting my own room completed with door and walls. It won't take much.  (I think he agreed because it will give him a break from my complaining and angry outbursts. For now I will just try to make the best of the situation and look for answers instead of feeling sorry for myself and getting so angry each time this comes up. I can hear a good friend asking me, "Cathie, how bad do you want this? What are you willing to give up to have "writing time?" Maybe I don't want it as bad as I make is sound. If I did wouldn't I make it happen one way or another? Yes I would. All this complaining about being interrupted and not having the  time are excuses to hide the real reason I don't write as much as I could; lack of discipline and perseverance. I want it to be easy, just as I do everything in my life. I am such a baby sometimes. There are times when people or things don't go my way that I throw tantrums like I just now. And then there are other times these things just don't matter and I go with the flow. Can I blame this on menopause for now instead of immaturity? I think I will.

There are solutions. I just choose to feel like the victim and complain about why I shouldn't have to be the one who is always having to change my schedule or be inconvenienced in order to get my needs met. It's times like this when that fantasy about owning a duplex, with him living on one side and me the other comes back. We would have our own places to do and decorate as we please and yet still be together when we want. Talk about a perfect world. Oh don't fret, he probably feels the same way, as you already gathered from previous journals, I am not a piece of cake to live with either. I believe deep down a lot of people probably feel the same way at times, they just don't want to admit it.

OK, the dog is in and laying in bed with the husband and the cat has calmed down. All is quiet except his snoring coming down the hallway. See, even when he is asleep he still manages to make noise! No problem, I can deal with this little thing. So back to writing what I had started to. Which is probably not worth all the previous ranting and raving. I am not even sure what it was I was going to journal about! Oh yeah, my up-coming vacation.

I will be traveling back east where I grew up in just a couple weeks. I haven't been back in fifteen years and that was not a good visit for a couple reasons, one being my dad was ill and I knew deep down it was going to be the last time I saw him alive. The last couple weeks have been very stressful and exciting all at the same time. People are getting tired of hearing my concerns and my changing the itinerary over and over. It was suggested (strongly) that I sit down and write out the itinerary and then leave it alone. To plan it out but to be flexible if it should change for some reason. You see, if it hasn't been noticeable yet, it will as time goes on and I continue blogging, that I am a control freak. I need to have a plan and know what to expect so I can plan for it at all times. Otherwise I am a basket case and drive everyone around me absolutely crazy to a point, I am sure, where they dread it when they see me coming. (I am willing to bet there are a few who are so grateful for caller ID). Unfortunately I am still fighting a  world where life doesn't always go according to Cathie's plan. Unexpected things continue to come up. And plans for this vacation are no exception.

First off, we were going to stay at a sister's house the whole time to save money on the hotel room. However, she forgot to mention there would be two kids and my older sister staying there as well, along with six dogs. So seven people sharing one bathroom seemed a little crowded for us, but her heart was in the right place. We knew our limits and decided it would be best to stay at a hotel part of the visit. Then another sister offered for us to stay at her place as long as we didn't mind sleeping on an air mattress and quite frankly that sounded like fun since we get along so well. (I don't know where I got that idea since we haven't seen each other in 15 years and even then it was for a very short time). Anyway, we then realized how much smoking would be going on in the house and I am highly sensitive to smoke; so we decided we would only stay a few nights then spend the rest of the time at a hotel. There all is well. We would have "our" time away when needed. But that too was not to be. We then found out that this sister is having health issues again and not really strong enough to have to worry about getting her house ready for visitors and keeping us entertained when there and, the air mattress had a hole in it so we would be sleeping on a blow up bed. She was very relieved when I suggested we stay the whole time at the hotel so she wouldn't have to get ready for us. This worked out well for us, we realized or I should say, I realized that it was probably best we had a place to go to when and if the need arises, I am sure we would all need a break from each other at times. However, this new plan has eaten up a great deal of our spending  budget. But again it has turned out for the best since both my husband and I love staying at hotels. I really do. I feel spoiled and free. It is getting away for a while from everyone. And there are a lot of things we can do at no cost or low cost, so it worked out for the best. Once again.  I know this probably sounds silly, since  the very person I was complaining about not having enough time away from earlier will be in the same hotel room; but come on, this is different, we will be on vacation! And we get our own big beds!! I love having my own bed and having it look nice every time we return to the room. Another part of a vacation I love so much. Not worrying about cleaning up.

So, I took my friends suggestion and sat down and wrote out an itinerary of the days and times we would be free to travel and site see on our own and the times we would be expected to spend with my sisters and their families. I still cannot believe I am journaling about going back East and seeing where I grew up and my sisters again. To finally be able to show my husband where I grew up and went to school and other areas of childhood. There has always been this little part of me that would get jealous whenever we would drive through an area where my husband would say, "this is where I did such and such." OK, a big part of me would get jealous. I wanted to be able to show him parts of my life. And now, here I am, planning to do just that! I had given up on this ever happening due to unforeseen financial problems constantly popping up. But one day a few months ago while he was at the computer, out of no where I decided the hell with it,  we were going back east and I told him so and we just went ahead and booked the flight. That's right, without a second thought (which is not like us with these types of decisions),  we took all our savings and booked our tickets. I just had this sense that if we didn't do it now we never would. I knew it would never be "the right time so why not just go for it and take a chance. And so far everything is falling into place. And so far things are beginning to  fall apart at the same time. The truck has decided to have problems, the washer is making horrible noises; and work is slow. I am trying not to stress out about the finances and trust the Creator in all this. To stop doubting the decision to take this trip. And so far the Creator is taking care of things just fine when I stay out of the way and let each thing go as it comes up. Of course that is after I have a few moments of panic, then I let it go.

My husband has never been to the east coast and wants to see the beaches more than historical sites so we will make Rhode Island a higher priority than Boston if we get to a point where we just can't do both trips in the short amount of time we will be there. But again, I am going to wait until we get there and see how things go. I did buy tickets for the tour bus to downtown NY, that will be the big trip! I am pleased my sisters have given us the freedom to travel while there, after all it is our vacation and we won't be back there again for a very long time if at all. Truth be told, we haven't really stayed too close in touch over the years, except when one of them was ill in the hospital or some other emergency came up. So I don't feel obligated to spend our entire time with family. Sad as that may sound. I love them, but in all honesty I have to admit my friends know me better than my sisters do and I don't really know my sisters as much as I do my friends. Its just the way it is; no ones fault really. But the fact remains they are my sisters and I am excited for the opportunity to see them and spend some quality time with them. It will be the first time my husband will meet all but one. That is exciting as well. I hope they will love him as much as I want them to. Another thing out of my control.

Vacations, real vacations are a lot of work when you are someone who needs to be control and have everything planned out. I have four lists going: a what to pack list, what to prepare list for my son who is caring for our pets, an outfits to pack list, and a To-Do list. I have a little notebook I am carrying around so I can write things down as they come up. Don't want to forget anything. No control issues here. I also don't know what I can take on the plane in a carry-on or how big the carry on can be. A friend is taking us to the air-port and I am trying to trust she will not be late. I am still learning to trust people to do what they say they will, as my experiences in that area has not turned out so well in the past. But I have begun to develop healthier relationships and need to give them my trust when they offer to do things for us. Like my neighbors helping out with pets in the mornings so my son doesn't have to come before work. Trust is not one of my strong suits, but that's for another post. Back to my up-coming trip.

This is our second real vacation in our twenty years together. The first was in San Diego when my son graduated form Marine boot camp. We had a wonderful week away by the ocean, it was the honeymoon we never got to have. I literally cried when on the way back the pilot announced we would be landing in Denver in 10 minutes. I didn't want to be back in Colorado; I wanted to go back to San Diego and the ocean and the fun. Not back to the dry air and the stress from our jobs. Now we are getting ready to fly to CT for six whole days! We will fly in late one night and leave early our last day, and have six whole days in between to travel around and see my sisters.

Is it normal to feel both apprehension and excitement at the same time? It is frustrating because I can't really do anything to get ready yet, like pack and fix meals for my son, still too soon for those things. However there is a lot around the house I can be doing but keep finding excuses not to. Then get stressed out because it isn't getting done. So today I finally got started on that "To Do" list.

Today was a productive day. I repotted some plants I have been needing to do for a while; got a load of laundry done and scrubbed down and cleaned out the bottom cabinet in my bathroom that I have been going to do for several months now and watered the plants and bird bath. But other than that I have done nothing but get on this site and write, which has taken about two hours, can't believe how quickly time goes whenever I am writing. I just love to write and then edit and rewrite. I could do it all day!  But now it is time to put the computer away and do some knitting before I take a bath and meet up with some friends.

I heard about a lady who is wanting to do a writers workshop and I am thinking about calling her and asking if she would be willing to help me with this blog, with my writing. I could use some critiquing and help as you no doubt already figured out. But I am afraid she will tell me what I have always feared. That I don't have writing talent. That although I love writing, I stink at it. But maybe if I try writing a couple short stories she will see I can write. I will continue to think about it and not make a decision or do anything just yet.

With all that is going on with planning for this vacation I am much too vulnerable to hear that I am not a writer and would be better off shutting down this blog to save me anymore humility. I can be so dramatic can't I? Always thinking the worse even when told the opposite. Maybe I should have gone to acting school. I would be so good in a drama movie. I would have made a great Scarlet O'Hara; 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn".

OK, not much time left so I better start on the dishcloth and continue to enjoy this quiet time I am having as he sleeps. Isn't it funny how a sleeping husband can be as innocent and cute as a sleeping toddler? Oh my I just realized, he did do the right thing going to the bed room! I have been enjoying quiet time this whole time while he, the dog and finally the cat are all asleep. God, forgive my whiney complaining earlier!

Perfect timing. I was able to go back and edit this post and am now finished and he just woke up and let the dog out. So he is on the computer playing his games and the dog is happily laying outside, for a few minutes anyway. I can knit and take a bath with him awake doing his thing no problem. Besides, when I get frustrated I just have to remember we are going on vacation soon. It will be here before we know it! Yay us! Now I can be one of those people who goes on a "real" vacation out of state!

Like a Giraffe

Did you know that when a baby giraffe is born his mother will knock him down each time he stands up and do this several times? It is for survival, so the baby will be able to get up quickly when needing to run from predators. Or so I am told. I also like the thought a dear lady once said to me. She said, Cathie, sometimes you have to stick your neck out once in a while and take a risk. Which also made me think about a giraffe's long neck. So naturally I now have an obsession, a love for giraffes. And I am practicing little by little each day for the past couple weeks, of doing something outside my comfort level. I am doing instead of thinking. Know what I mean? All my life I think and write about what I need to do and what needs to be changed. Lately I have actually begun to do things and find myself writing less. That is not what I intend to keep doing however. I want to continue writing, but about things that I am accomplishing not what I should be doing.  I am a worrier. I am fearful and used to living in the world of "what ifs". Lately I have been making decisions and doing things in spite of the fears and unnecessary concerns. And to be honest it gets really stressful at times. It doesn't come easy for me. But yet it also has a sense of pride and Wow!, I can really think and make decisions on my own and they work out alright! Ok, maybe not completely on my own, I did have to have some help talking it out and fretted quite a bit over it; but I finally made it and now I feel relieved and proud. Ok, I know you are wondering what this huge thing was. I know you will no doubt either understand completely or just think I am a nut case. That's ok. I am at times. The decision I was struggling over was whether or not to get off my husbands insurance and onto my own at my job. It was better to do this for many reasons but I just fretted so much over "what if" I made the wrong decision? What if I changed and suddenly lost my job? Or the company folded. Or "what if " I find out I can't keep my doctors? Oh my gosh what if my husband's company doesn't drop me in time, will I run into a problem having a claim paid?  I was worrying over things that one; hadn't happened yet and two, were out of my control should any of them happened. I am here to say, so far all is well and working out fine. But I stressed so much over it! Is it worth it really? Sticking my neck out is so stressful. Maybe I should learn to love the ostrich, then I could go back to sticking my head in the sand sort of speak and not deal with these issues. Continue to let my husband take care of everything. Unfortunately that is not an option for me any longer. At least not if I want to live life on my terms. If you have read any of my other blogs you know that I am determined to be a whole different person than who I have been. One who I can cherish and love being. This means falling down and getting back up. Sticking my neck out and risking rejection or failure. Giving up however, is no longer an option.

I met a wonderful lady last weekend that was so vivacious and fun, she had a room for meditation; lived in a wonderful tiny little town in an old house with a big yard. I saw her and immediately knew who I wanted to be! I am not saying I want to be her, but I saw myself through her. I saw the person I wanted to become. I suddenly realized and saw for the first time who I really am! Who I wanted to become. Creative, colorful, and most important free to be who I am. Since that weekend I have not been able to let go of the sense that there is a wonderful woman inside that is desperately wanting to be set free and I am keeping her locked inside out of fear no one will like her. No one will accept her. But is this truth?  Or is it just another excuse not to change? Is it another way to avoid the chance I will fail a few times and have to get back up. Am I too afraid to stick my neck out and see what happens? I can't blame other people or circumstances anymore for me not be truthful to myself. I am the only one who can change what I don't like about me. Thankfully I believe in a Creator who is a part of me and will give me the courage to do what I need to do in spite of the risks. And I know with certainty that if I continue to spend time with my spirit Creator, I will gain the courage and guidance to be who I was created to be in the first place. I will learn to be my own best friend. Wouldn't that be fun? To get up each day and be able to spend it with someone you are comfortable and happy to be with? Sounds crazy to some people I am sure. But its become so important to me to be my own best friend. After all, if I don't learn to accept and love me the way I am now, warts and all; how can I expect others to? If I don't respect myself, is it realistic to expect others to treat me with respect? It doesn't seem to work that way. If I wait until I am rid of all the things I dislike about myself I will never be a friend to myself because I am never going to be perfect.

So all this to say I am finally ready to be "like a Giraffe" and stick my neck out, and get up each time I try something and fall down, (instead of feeling sorry for myself and staying down). I won't look at things that don't work out as failures, I will simply get back up and try something else. I won't know right away who I am or feel good about, I have to try out different styles and hobbies to know what I really like and what suits me. You can't change overnight what you have believed and done all your life. Being a people pleaser for my entire life isn't going to disappear because I suddenly realized I wasn't being true to myself. I wish it were that easy. No, its time to be an adult and take responsibility for my own happiness. I am willing to do whatever it takes to become the woman I can wake up to each day and say, hi, I am Cathie and I like me! Sounds corny when I put it that way but I don't know how else to say it. I just know I don't want to hate who I am any longer. This journey I am on is not one I am taking alone. My Creator has brought women into my life to help me. And if I am willing to reach out to them I can do nothing but grow and change. It is my choice.

This is so exciting! Because since this revelation, I have done things on the spur of the moment I normally would not do. Like going camping with a friend on a two week notice. Or make decisions about what insurance plan to take. Little things to most people, but huge to me. I am not as confident in decision making as some. I have too much self-doubt inside. I learned growing up not to trust my feelings or thoughts about things, that I didn't know anything. I carried this lie into my adult life. Now I need to be gentle with myself and take it one thing at a time. Who would have thought that at 56 years old I would begin taking risks. That I would be willing to start looking at what I need to change and not what others need to do in order for me to be happy. I feel like a little kid who just learned she could choose for herself what she wanted to be when she grew up. I am learning I can say, "you know, I really don't want to do that." or "I really want to do this." Is it easy? No. Is it comfortable? Absolutely not. But I believe with all my heart and soul it is worth it. It will get easier and it will become comfortable. Maybe even natural! ( I hope). I just have to get up and go! No more lying down after work. No more spending energy at work worrying about what might happen or not happen. A lady said to me a short time back, "Cathie, where are your hands?" What she was saying was, what are you doing at that particular moment? Get out of tomorrow and its unwarranted concerns and back into the moment. And I have been trying to remind myself of that each time I find myself starting to worry, or stressing over what I have no control over. I know this all sounds like I have it figured out. Believe me I don't. I am just practicing and walking through it. There are good moments and there are moments when I am so afraid I want to hide my head in the sand. But instead I stick my neck out. I make a phone call and talk it over, or I reach out to my Creator and ask for the courage and guidance to make the next move. Then I sit quietly for a bit, then go on with rest of the day, trusting he will show me and I will know the step to take for that particular situation.

Life is a journey. It is full of disappointment and pain at times. But it is also full of joy and fun and love a lot of the time. It is just a matter of where I spend it. In the pain or in the joy. Once again my choice. My decision. No more looking to others to tell me who I am, what I need to do or not do. It is time for Cathie to stick out her neck and take risks. Find out life isn't so bad or difficult after all. I can do more than I give myself credit for or truthfully want to. Sometimes I still want to take the easy way out of situations, not rock the boat sort of speak. And I probably will continue to at times. But hopefully, my blogs will be filled with positive, inspiring experiences more and more, and less on what is not happening or what others are doing to me.

My husband has gone out and I am going to stop here and take the time he is gone to enjoy a good book or movie undisturbed! Or maybe I will just play a game. Who knows. I will just close this post and let whatever comes be what I do! This giraffe is going to take a rest.

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I know Whats Best for You; So I Thought

I have been living under the assumption that I know what is best for those close to me. What will make them happy or better people. I owe these loved ones an apology. Who am I to tell others what is best or how they should do things? I don't even know half the time what is best for me! There are still so many parts to myself that need cleaning up, brushing off and building anew. I am told this takes a life time. Well I don't have a life time anymore. I am at the end of my life time. The last part you might say. So I have this anxiety going on as to how to accomplish and change the things I desire within the time span  I do have. Assuming of course that I don't get killed tomorrow in a freak accident. Then I guess there won't be any need to worry about this trivial matter. But for now I am alive and as far as I know still have some years left in which I would like to be different. Better.

Tonight I will be attending an art show where a dear friend is showing her painting. I am looking forward to dressing up, Fedora and all. This is my opportunity to begin wearing what I want to wear without the concern of what  might think. "Might think". It just occurred to me that I don't even know what others "might think"! I automatically assume it will be negative. Maybe, just maybe it will be positive! When I see people dressing creatively I think positive thoughts, why can't I believe this could be true when I am looked at? Once again I am learning something about myself. I always assume the negative where others opinions of me are concerned. That will be worked on for sure. OK back to the subject at hand.

I have always been in awe of those who wear and do things I never had the courage to wear or do but always wanted to. You know, the crazy colorful outfits, going to the theatre or on a trip somewhere exciting without any thought that they could not do so. It never occurs to people like this that what they want to do cannot be done! They aren't people-pleaser's, they live for themselves. They are creative, outgoing free spirits. They are the very species I want to evolve into. This is what I am striving to become as I continue to grow into my own. It is who I believe I was created to be. And the first step to allowing myself this freedom is to continue surround myself with those who are the same. Not with those who want me to conform to the "acceptable" or what they perceive to be "proper". Who the hell wants to be proper all the time. And truth be told, for those who know me, I have not always been what you would consider proper anyway.

Growing up I had always felt like the  outsider. Our family was the family no one wanted to be associated with in too close a relationship. And we were certainly not accepted right away into our new neighborhood when we first moved in. We were "different" to many people. In a negative way. I never felt like I was truly accepted by those I hung out with. Friends were always trying to change me or make me better some how. I know it was out of kindness, that they felt they were doing me a favor. But in reality all they were telling me was, you are not good enough, let me fix you up. And I continue to do that to those close to me without realizing I am doing it. At the same time, I continue even as an adult at times, to allow others to try and fix me. Anytime I try to change something in someone or they me; we are telling each other, "you aren't good enough yet, let me show you how to be "good enough", or, "do this and you will be acceptable." I guess some of it is the society we live in. Always having to have or be more.

This has been a rude awakening to see in myself. To realize and admit that I am just as guilty of shaming others as others have done to me. Thankfully we can stop old behaviors if we choose to. We can stop allowing others to tell us what to change as well. It just takes acknowledgement that it is going on and the willingness to change it. Not to mention a lot of courage and self-honesty.

The more I try to "fix" others or change them, the more my life gets crazy and I become filled with anxiety and worry. The "What ifs" I have mentioned before come back stronger than ever. Wanting to control someone or something becomes an obsession. Its during these times that one of two things happen; my house becomes messier and more cluttered. Or cleaned really well. If I can't control the people and situations around me then by golly I will find something I can control. Of course this just starts the whole vicious cycle over again and until I myself am finally out of control! Until I can relax or a friend reminds me, that I really am powerless to change others, my life is quite a mess. I have to accept that I cannot change people, places or things if I am to have true serenity in my life. And this is true about being who I really am. Until I can accept who I am and start living as myself, I can not have true serenity, true inner peace. I am too busy trying to meet others expectations of who they think I am or should be, or trying to change others to achieve these things.

So the question of late has become. What is more important to me in my life today? To be myself which will bring serenity and inner peace. Or, changing and controlling others, to be accepted by others even if it means changing who I am. I choose the first choice. And slowly I am gaining the courage within to be myself. As I learn what I enjoy and fill those enjoyments, I become happier inside, I like myself more. I smile more and can hold my head up because I am no longer living a lie. That is what I am doing when I am not living true to myself, I am living as an impostor.  

Little by little, very slowly, I am learning it is ok to be who I am. And that can be someone different as I grow and change. And this is not to say it is easy or not at all frightening. Of course I am scared at times. There is always the risk of losing relationships anytime you choose to change. People have come to know me and love me for who I am and as I change, they may not like this new person. This person they can no longer manipulate or control. My interests are changing and it would be natural for me to want to be around those who share the same interests and who will introduce me to possible new experiences I will find I enjoy. All this makes life seem more appealing and exciting to me. I don't want to spend another moment envying others who live and experience things in their lives. I want to be those people! This of course does not mean all my relationships will end. Not everyone in my life has wanted to change me or manipulate me into doing things they want, I am not that weak a person. I have some terrific women in my life and they are the ones that have been helping me see these things in me that I don't like, but need to see just the same if I want to be a better me.

Slowly, as I pray each day to my Creator within, I gain more courage to change what I can. I take the focus off what others are or are not doing and put it back on me. Truthfully though, it is the spirit within that is doing the changing, not me. I believe this because every morning on my way to work I pray for courage to change what I can in my life and I am seeing results, so how can I deny this Creator the credit for the changes occurring within on a daily basis?  I know it isn't me. I don't have it in me not to want to impress or please others, it is too ingrained in me.

You know what? I find the more I do this the more I like who I am! Funny how that works. The person I am becoming is creative, fun, intelligent and kind. Whats not to like? Sure, I have a long ways to go; I still have flaws that need to be dealt with. But its important I am learning, to see the good in each of us as we work towards ridding ourselves of the things that are not so appealing. That harm ourselves or others even when we don't mean to.

The message I started out with is really what I want to impress upon the reader. And on myself. It is time for me to stop trying so hard to change others, and keep the focus on changing myself. So I guess I will continue to pray each day for the courage to change those things within me that need changing. To trust that my Creator within loves me enough to help with this. After all isn't this what its all about? Life changes?

Being an Individual within a relationship, is it possible?

As an individual who am I? What excites me? What are my interests and joys outside my marriage?  Do I have what it takes to find out? Do I have the courage to move outside my little area between home and work? Am I ready to be an individual? I have friends, we have friends. But not in relationships that make you look at yourself and make you grow in yourself. My life is safe with no complications and changes to be had. And I must say I am learning quickly it is no longer a life I am comfortable in. I learned last night I want more. I guess I have know for a while, just wasn't ready to admit it to myself, never mind the world. That would mean doing something. And that would mean taking risks and facing challenges. Ok and yes, energy. Let me share how this all came about.

Last night I was at a play with two friends. One of them said I had to get out of my comfort zone. Get out and experience things on my own. This morning I thought on it for a while and realized yes, it is time to take that risk and find out who I really am as an individual. I know my role as a wife, as an employee and responsibilities it takes  to fill in these roles. I have friendships and know who I am most of the time with these friends. But as an individual, do I know who I am? What I want to become and to do while I am able? Most important, do I have what it takes to be an individual? To experience new adventures on my own. To take risks without falling back on my husband and friends to tell me who I am or what I need to do. Can I step outside my comfort zone and risk making mistakes or taking a wrong turn now and then? Do I have the most important factor in becoming an individual with her own ideas and fulfilling her desires, courage.

This morning as I reflected on what my friend said I came to see clearly just how dependent I truly had become on one person. How much I handed over because he was so willing to take it. And I also realized just how comfortable I had become in sticking to my little area in life, I had become secluded in my home and work area, never venturing out alone. I kept finding things my husband would enjoy doing with me. Never realizing until last night that there were things I would like to do and try as an individual. Yes, I have friends that I go hiking with or have dinner with; safe things. But what about going out and venturing alone to the museum or theatre when there is no one to go with? What about driving downtown to an art show? I could get lost and never found. I could become a homeless person with a car to sleep in!

How does one become an individual in a marriage relationship? I have heard and come to believe that we cannot fill all the needs of our spouses. No one person can have all the same interests or passions of another; we are different in many ways and have different interests. What I have done for the most part is put my individual away in the closet somewhere. Slowly over the years I forgot she even existed. Until last night that is. Last night she woke up in such a way I cannot explain. And all it took was going to a live play. When those actors and actresses came out on the stage I felt this sense of excitement and happiness I had not felt in such a long time. I laughed and cried at the same time from the strong emotions within me coming out. I could not contain the joy of being at a live play with live actors and actresses. It was a night of such laughter I hurt and cried from the comedy. It was a fun night out with a couple girlfriends. It struck me on the way home that I had done something my husband had no interest in and I enjoyed myself! I enjoyed myself outside my marriage and did not feel guilty! I wasn't sitting there wishing he had come or worrying that I was being selfish. As a matter of fact I didn't think about him at all and this was different for me.

This morning I realized there was an individual within trying to push herself out. There was no more holding back this creative, intelligent woman any longer. (This idea is becoming a regular theme in my life lately). Yes, this brought up fear and a sense of dread. After all it meant I would be venturing into a whole new world. I am beginning to believe it is ok to have my separate life away from my husband. It was ok to have passions that he did not have. I could still fill my passions and interests without him. Just as he could fill his without me. And if he had no interests outside the home, well that was ok too! It did not mean I could not pursue interests and have outside activities separate from him. We have things we enjoy doing together. So why have I been afraid to seek out my own interests as well? Why haven't I seen myself as an individual with her own needs and passions? Because I was afraid.

Fear as I have mentioned before rules my life sometimes. I allow it to keep me in my safe little world. I do not venture past a certain area of town. I do not go to movies alone or seek outside interests with friends. Most importantly, I have not seriously persued writing as something to grow in and to make a big part of my life. And yet, I truly believe deep down I have so much I could share and help others with. My life experiences, some of which are difficult to talk about or acknowledge are the very things that need to be shared. Why? Because there are others out there who are just like me. Who feel they are the only ones who feel insecure, afraid, not good enough. And so we stay in our safe little worlds where we belong. We are not good enough to play with the "big" people. We are not in the right classs of people to show up in certain entertainments. Lies. All lies my friends. Today I can no longer sit back and be the person I thought I had to be. I can no longer pretend sitting home and being a house wife was good enough. As much as I love my husband and being with him; I also long for a life separate from him. I want to live as an individual within a marriage. Is this possible? Can two people live together and yet live as individuals?

Last night something woke up inside me that can no longer be contained. After experiencing such joy and excitement being in that theatre watching live people acting on stage, I could no longer contain the happiness inside. I laughed so hard it hurt. I felt a sense of joy and freedom I had lost long ago. And it was all my doing. Little by little throughout the last 18 or 19 years I have given up my individuality. I handed myself over piece by piece without realizing I was doing it! My wonderful husband took over areas in the relationship because he didn't mind and enjoyed doing things for me. But what this did was take away who I was. How? Well lets see.

I stopped filling my car with gas. I stopped running to the store for small items because he was willing to do it. We each do our own laundry (I have no plans to change that by the way), he does the grocery shopping. What do I do? I help clean up the house when needed. I go to work, I go out to meet with friends, I lie on the couch and watch silly reality television, I read, and I complain about not having a life. Whose fault is that? Who allowed herself to disappear?

So this week I filled my own car with gas and I stopped at the store for a few items instead of asking my husband to; (or mentioning I was out of gas knowing he would offer to go fill it). It is as if I am suddenly growing up all over again. It is amazing how easily I was able to let go of areas in my life, including our financial affairs and just let him do it all. I thought this was great. I had no worries. I wasn't asked or expected to do anything I wasn't comfortable doing. And the less I did the more uncomfortable I became doing things. I slowly went from being an independent self sufficient (to a degree) woman to a dependent, fearful woman who doesn't go outside her little area. A woman who stays in her safe little box. Wow, this was an eye opener let me tell you. I did not like what I was seeing at all. I was no longer, nor had been for some time, an individual. I did nothing outside my comfort zone. I tried always to find things my husband would enjoy doing with me. I thought that was how it worked. I did not realize until last night, while out with these two good friends, that I could have outside interests and do things by myself that did not include my husband or even my friends. I could do things I enjoyed all by myself. I could be a grown up and still enjoy the benefits of marriage and friendships.

I wonder how many people go to a play and learn something so huge about themselves. I became so alive at that theatre. The exciting, creative, fun person inside wanted out and wanted out bad. The brave little girl was ready to come out and play. And the fearful, somewhat insecure adult was now willing to let her. Actually wanted her to come out and play.

Individual. Wow. It is amazing that one word could stir up so much inside me. that a simple word, individual, could wake up things inside me I didn't know existed. There is no turning back now if I am to be happy. I can try to go back to being a housewife, an employee, a friend and leave it there. But I will not be happy. Not truly happy. I have woken up the woman inside that wants to experience new things, go to new places and to do these things alone or with girlfriends who share the same excitement and interests. I want to know it is ok to have interests outside my marriage. How much fun would it be to be able to come home and have something interesting to share with each other? 

Yes, I finally realize I am an individual with her own interests, passions, and sense of adventure. I want to do things and see things I haven't. they don't have to be extravagant or huge. Like going to this play last night. That wasn't huge, but it was a new experience, a thrill and I learned something about myself I didn't know before; I love the theatre! I love everything about it; the stage, the costumes, the live actors on the stage. I want to experience more of it. Maybe even be in a play just once! Going and enjoying this evening has made me wonder what other activities I have missed and may have enjoyed and loved. I don't want to miss out anymore. I don't want to be dependent on anyone any longer. From now on it is about "sharing" in my marriage, instead of depending on him. It is shameful to admit how much I have taken him for granted. How easily I allow him to do things for me. It is time to say "thank you but I can do it" once in a while.

I need to get off the couch and experience little things that lead up to the big things. I want to take back some responsibilities and be a grown up. It is healthier. No one should be completely dependent on another person to do all things in a relationship. It should be shared. And then there needs to be individual time for individual interests a part from one another. This is both frightening and exciting at the same time. I am growing up all over again. Or maybe I am finally growing up!

Life has a new meaning to me now and with the help and support of my husband and wonderful friends I know and now believe I can be and do whatever I choose to be and do. The only one stopping me is me. If I continue to be bored, angry or frustrated with my life it is my doing. Only I can take responsibility to change what needs to be changed. And with the help of my Creator I can become the individual I was created to be. I just have to continue to take risks and walk through the fears that come up.