I have been sitting at the computer for a couple weeks now. I don't know how to put into words what is going on inside me. Fear. Uncertainty. At 56 years old my future in the work place looks bleak at times. Especially when the field I work in is going electronic. I don't know more than the basics of Word Programs. It isn't that I cannot learn, it is that employers really don't want someone they have to train. I do not hold a degree in any particular field nor have savings. And as I listen to the news it is even more frightening to look into the future and plan ahead.
I hear almost everyday professed Christians tell me how excited they are to go to heaven. That this is the beginning of the end. To which I say, I don't care about after death, I care about surviving life in the here and now! I care about whether or not I will have a job or insurance in the months ahead. I care about whether or not I will have a place to live. These are what I care and worry about. I know personally several elderly folks who cannot get the assistance or care they need because they do not have enough social security or because most Dr.s won't accept Medicare. They live alone feeling frightened and vulnerable. And why shouldn't they? Who is watching out for them? I can't help all of them. Yet we send millions of dollars to other countries to help the poor. Our own seniors and elderly who have paid most of their lives into taxes and social security get barely enough to live on. Our soldiers get barely enough to support their families. Yet they are losing limbs and lives for their country. So no, I do not God nor our Government. I have to look out for myself and somehow I will. Somehow I will muster up the courage to survive.
How many seniors or elderly live on the streets or in some broken down apt. complex? Will I join them in years to come? I see all around me how little people care about their neighbors. We are all out for ourselves just trying to survive. My husband works so hard in the construction business and physically we do not know how much longer he will be able to do so. But he is unable to retire and will no doubt be unable for years to come. Lets face it. The "Golden Years" have turned into the "You are on your own" years.
People tell me all the time. Trust God. Really? You are going to tell someone who gave her life to a belief that only turned her sour towards professed Christianity to trust a God who apparently gets a thrill out of watching his "followers" suffer for his sake? I think not. But that is for another blog. Back to reality.
I have watched co-workers who have come after me get positions I was not even considered for because my boss didn't think "I could handle it". It is another reminder of how those of us who suffer from some type of mental illness, no matter how minimal are discriminated against and judged. I have never lost a job nor could not work due to my illness. I am blessed in that it is not as severe as some I know. And even though that experience was caused by wrong medication, it does not matter. So I am pushed down further in self esteem. I am allowing those who feel superior to define who I am. It must stop, but how? The real sadness is, never in all my working years have I taken a new position I could not or did not learn efficiently.
This morning I got up the courage to read some comments I didn't know were here. It was so encouraging. It has given me more courage to be truthful and honest about this journey. No more secrets. What more can people do to me? I have survived abuse, job losses, divorce and other experiences most do not. And yet, there are a lot who have and it is my hope that you will continue to encourage and share as I do.
Life will continue to get harder as I get older and my health deteriorates. I have a back that is arthritic and am in pain a lot of the time. It is difficult to watch my body not equal my youthful mind. But now I can focus on writing and sharing my story. I can quit worrying about pleasing others with it and trying to be the "professional" writer. I have the freedom to say, this is me and it will not change as I put me on paper!
Now I need to get going. This isn't one of my best, and won't be my worst. but I didn't want another week to go by without writing something. Later I will take more time to write.
