It is time to get bold! To put the fearful, insecure, somewhat wimpy Cathie aside and let the bold new Cathie come out! But I am nervous. What if I don't like her? What if she turns out to be confident, successful and actually happy? I won't know what to do with her. She will drive me crazy. She will no doubt rub it in my face that I could have had her living through me for many years now if I had just listened to her. Oh yes, I know who this side of me is. She pops her face out at me in the mornings while I am getting my make up on, (or plucking another damn hair off my chin). I see the glitter in my eyes and think, "Cathie, there is another side to you and you have got to let her out before it is too late." But I am afraid. What if she wants more than I can give her? What if she wants new friends, you know, the kind that like to have fun and grow and laugh? Not sure where I would find them for her.
Or suppose she decides she doesn't like the clothes I've been wearing? Its not like I can just run out and buy her a new wardrobe. I don't know. Perhaps its been the right thing to do; keeping the real me shoved down deep so I don't have to worry about all these things. Yet, it could prove to be fun and exhilarating to see what might happen. Of course my husband may have to adjust to having a new wife living under the same roof. Oh my goodness, what if he doesn't like her? No, better stop here while I still know what to expect, even if it is getting drab and somewhat boring. On the other hand, if I continue to be bored with myself, if I continue to wake up each morning thinking, is this how my life is going to end? Boring and nothing really to brag about? Is the job I am going to go each morning going to my last job before retirement? Oh that is depressing. Out of all the jobs I have done, to retire as a data entry clerk would not be my job of choice. My hands
Ok, so what's it going to be. Am I going to stick my neck out like a giraffe and keep taking risks or am I going to stop here and feel sorry and angry for myself? I want to add excitement and fun, but then I am afraid I will find out I don't have friends in my life who would be on board with the new Cathie. I guess I could dump these friends and create new relationships. Fun ones. Its time I decide who is going to be in our lives, not let others decide they will be in our lives. There's a new idea. Who would believe that at 56 years of age I am just getting this down. I get to choose who will or will not be in my life. That can mean more risks. Changing and becoming the person you really want to be isn't easy. But I can't help but believe that it must be worth it or I wouldn't be hearing about all these women who are trying new things for the first time in their lives, and they have never been more confident or happy in their lives. I want to be one of those women dammit! No more "I can't because" from now on I am going to practice saying," I want to therefore I will. Of course this would mean getting off the couch and actually doing something. It will mean more energy and time away from the t.v. or book. We are talking about a woman who has gotten lazy since her illness a year ago! Where to start.
The decision has been made. From this moment on I am going to be the new and improved Cathie. I will make a list. I love lists, don't you? They give you a sense of accomplishment when you can check something off. Anyway, I will write out a list things I will have to do in order to accomplish and become the woman I can respect, admire and actually like hanging out with. I will use my sense of humor to get through the failures and humiliations that are sure to come as I move forward. I am not naïve enough to think that just because I have decided to go for it, means it will just happen! It is going to take all the discipline, perseverance and hard work, all the things I have never been good at to accomplish this huge goal. But the alternative is no longer an option. Continuing to be the same person I have always been, just isn't an option any comfortable any longer. I am tired of the same old me day after day. I don't want this person living inside me to be the person who dies inside me. I want to wake her up and shake her up!
I may even have to bring my husband along this path if we are going to live together, I guess he will have to be a part of the journey. He won't have to like it, but it is what it is. Come along or move along baby! Oh, I just made my first new cliché! I like it.
I had to do some soul searching and letting go of old ideas, dreams before getting to this point. Thoughts and feelings I didn't realize I had until one day at work I realized I was feeling very angry and jealous over others relationships with family or co-workers. It suddenly dawned on me that I have nothing to share regarding travel or other fun things to do with family. This has made it difficult for me to fit in at certain places or in different group settings. It was a hard realization to face and hurt terribly. I felt angry at missed opportunities, some of my own decisions, some from situations beyond my control. So I allowed myself a time of mourning what would never be. I accepted the things and people I could not change and I allowed myself a few moments of tears. And yes, I even talked to God about these painful truths and was given a sense of peace. A sense that now I could truly let go of what is not to be, nor ever was and move on to what can. I can now begin to live a life of truth. My truth. I am not 100% sure what that is, I think it will change periodically, as I grow and learn more about who I am, who I choose to surround myself with and what I want to do.
There will always be more awareness's, more enlightenments, that is how we grow. When we are finally ready to face the truths about ourselves, and this includes the good as well as bad; then we change. Then we can say, move over old me; the new me has arrived and she is bolder than ever! Sounds good anyway. Lets see if it really works. Each day I will experiment with something and ask myself, am I really enjoying this or am I doing it to impress others or to be able to say, look, I did something, doesn't that say something good about who I am? I don't want to compete with others anymore, it is exhausting. I don't want to compare my insides with others outsides anymore, it isn't always what it seems. I just want to be who I am; a 56 year old woman learning the truth about who she is and what life has to offer her.
