My God Does For Me What I Cannot Do for Myself.

God does for me what I cannot do for myself. I heard this a few times but it was never truly personal to me until a few days ago. I suddenly realized that was who God was to me. A being more powerful than I who would guide me and give me strength to get through bad times. A loving spirit that would forgive my weaknesses and give me courage to press on. God changes my thoughts and brings about small miracles within me and around me. I see the changes often lately. I never feel alone when I remember to stop what I am doing and think about this all knowing, all powerful being I choose to call God.

Some people have different concepts and beliefs who God is to them and that is ok. I believe God is all things to all people. He comes to us in ways we can know personally to ourselves. Where we are born and raised will define our God. What life brings our way will define our God. But no matter what, I have come to believe in a Being whom I choose to call God today. But I refuse to put him in a box and try to define who or what he looks like. All my life I have tried to find the "right" belief or God so I would not "go to hell" and it has only brought about confusion and at times fear. But never peace, never joy. Today, I have joy and inner peace because I have come to accept and trust that God loves me and will do for me what I cannot do for myself even if I don't believe another's concept of who he is or is not.

My creator will grant me serenity when I am in turmoil or indecision. He will grant me courage when I am in fear and need to walk through a situation that I am uncertain about. And, he will give me wisdom to know what I can change and what I cannot. Sometimes I just don't know. The kicker is, I have to be willing to stop and ask him for these things. God will never push himself on me. He will never force himself into my life. I have to invite him. And each morning that is exactly what I try to remember to do before leaving for work. And on a good day, I will remember to pause and take a break to think about this new relationship I am developing each day. One day I hope to be able to do it upon waking up, but right now I still need that cup of coffee or two to even know it is morning!

Since I have finally come to this belief in who God is for me I have felt peace, encouragement and a sense of "I can do anything with his help." I believe in myself more and in my abilities to create because it is no longer me doing it alone. My creator is guiding me through his spirit within. He is opening my eyes to see what needs to be written or drawn. If I keep my spiritual eyes open I will see someone he may want me to call or go to. If I keep my spiritual ears open I will hear his voice telling me what my next step should be in order to do his will. And if I open my mouth in love I will be given the correct words needed at the right time to the right person. What can be better than all this?

But I am unable to do this all the time. I need to be reminded daily by readings, time speaking to God and then listening quietly. Most times it is through friends who see me going in the wrong direction or getting into "controlling" a situation, which causes me fear or for my pride to get in the way of serenity and peace, to remind me with a simple question, "where is God in all this Cathie?".

I have to leave now for work but these thoughts were strong and I realize that as a journal, I do not need to write long pages in order to get my personal feelings and thoughts out. I simply need to get on line and share them when they come. If I don't they will disappear. It is best to just get it out and allow the true Cathie to come out on paper. I hope their are others who have struggled in their faith and have found a God of their own understanding, a God that brings them peace within. If not, all I can say is keep searching, keep praying. He will come in a way that is comforting to you in a very personal way. Just stop listening to who he is for others and not allow these well meaning people to define God for you, like I have all my life. Good luck and may you be filled within yourself soon.

Longing to go back "home".

 I spent six days back in CT where I grew up. But realized I have lived here in Colorado longer than in Connecticut. I was anxious about the trip. Wasn't sure how I would get along with my sisters I hadn't seen in 15 years. I had made all these plans. None of which went accordingly. They went better than I had expected. It was six days of fun, laughter and acceptance. To see the beach again was wonderful and we did not see enough of it. Touring Mark Twain's home and Harriet Beecher Stowe was filled with interesting facts. I want to learn more about this amazing woman, she was way ahead of her time. I was not ready to come home, and I still feel like I am not home. It can only be described as feeling homesick for a home I left years ago. I want to go back there. I would like to spend my last years close to my family and I am going to make it happen some how. Maybe not in a year, perhaps it will take a few years, but it will happen. It was a great surprise to hear my husband, who is a Denver native say he would move without hesitation in his voice. It made it seem more possible. Now what about my son? I won't worry about that just yet as there is a lot to do before making this decision possible. But I will make lists and goals and work towards it one step at a time. If it is to be it will. If not, I do know I will do what it takes to not allow so much time go by again for my next family reunion. I felt I was finally a part of my family and not the outcast I had always felt like. Some of it of my own making. I tend to be over sensitive and can react to people and situations in manners that are not appropriate; over reacting you might say.

Spending time with my best friend from high school whom I hadn't seen in 30 years was one of the best times. It was as if no time had gone by at all! We acted silly and played in her pool all day, we laughed until we cried, shared stories. My husband and her husband got along really well and talked the whole time! It was a day I will cherish for a long time. She showed me what I had been missing all these years. A friendship based on fun, acceptance and encouragement. A friendship where you can't lie about anything because the relationship is too important and its safe to be truthful no matter what it is.

There were sad moments with one sister who is having her own problems with over medicating;  the two times I had time to spend with her were cut short because she was too out of it to have a conversation with. It was my first day and my last. I cried because it hurt so much to see how she was living. I wanted to take her away from it all, but I know it is her problem, not mine to change. I am not responsible for her life. But it was disappointing and though I love her dearly, I did not like the woman I met on this vacation. Although I knew she could not help herself, I still found myself upset and angry that she could not stay straight for my last night in town. But it also showed me who she had become and that I had no control what so ever in how she chooses to live her life.

We can't make others be who we want them to be. I can't even make myself who I want to be. I need my Creator's help. Each morning I pray to be the person I can be that day. Some days I fail. While we were in New York, which by the way I learned I hate New York, I became someone I hated. I allowed another stranger bring out my ugly side and allowed myself to get into a verbal fight in public. I could see my husbands face and right away felt ashamed. He is the only one who can make me feel this way when I am doing something I know is wrong. I embarrassed him and it made me sick for two days. The good side of all this is that I actually knew it was wrong and felt remorse, I knew I was wrong no matter what the other person's actions were. I was wrong in my reaction to her. I broke my new rule; "Let it Begin with Me." When I do something horrible like call someone a name that I would never normally even think of, never mind use out loud, it takes days to forgive myself. To let it go. I want to go back undo it; handle it differently. But everyone kept saying 'let it go". So I will let it go and learn from it. I will meditate on it and ask myself what the underlying cause of my reaction was. No doubt embarrassment and pride had something to do with it. I will accept that I am still "a work in progress" who needs a Higher Power's help to change these things in me. To guide me into that mature spiritual being that I want to be.

I was surprised to find that the two sisters I was most concerned about were the two I loved being around the most. And the one I thought I was going to be happy hanging out with turned out to be the one I least wanted to visit with. It was good that God took over and made it work out that we stayed at a hotel the whole visit. The only regret I have about the visit is that it was too short. I had projected all these things that were gong to go wrong or happen; had discussions in my head on what I was going to say or do when this or that happened. Have you ever done that? And none of it happened! When will I learn to stop projecting the future! God must get such enjoyment watching me continue believing I have control over things in my life. The whole trip was nothing but fun and relaxing. Except for all the traveling. Who knew vacations were so exhausting! I didn't.

Sitting back and just watching the family interact with each other was an eye opener. At the beginning I thought, my they are very sarcastic to one another, yelling a lot. As time went on I began to enjoy their bantering back and forth. I saw the love they had for each other and knew without a doubt they had each other's backs. And when I left I knew for certain they had mine as well. I left feeling I had a family and I want to spend more time with them. I want to be a part of their daily lives. Maybe not daily, but you know what I mean. Family gatherings, having them over for dinner, going shopping, that kind of thing. And I am going to make it happen. And I believe my son will eventually follow us out there. He will have family and I won't have to worry about him being alone in the world when we are gone. Ok, I am beginning to project again. Ok, maybe a bit of controlling as well.

My girlfriend brought back an interest and passion I had a long time ago and had forgotten completely. How much I enjoy book keeping! I love numbers. I loved taking care of people's accounts. When did I lose that? How did I forget and why did I not pursue it? I don't know. I got into the health field in LTC and forgot the one thing I loved doing. So now I will go back to learning what I need to learn to be a bookkeeper. It could mean extra funds for my saving account to go back east next year.

It is exciting to have goals again. To have something to strive for. It will take a lot of discipline and energy, it will mean not allowing others to discourage my desires or cause me to lose hope or belief. It is time to take responsibility for my life and what it is and what it becomes. It is my responsibility to teach others how they can treat me or not treat me. On a couple of occasions on vacation I was given the opportunity to stand up and say that is not what I wanted. Or, this is unacceptable please fix it. And it helped me gain more self confidence.

I know a lot of what is going on within is spiritual. You may not understand this but the fact is; the stronger I grow in my relationship with a spiritual guide; a Creator, the God of creation. Whatever it is you want to refer this Spiritual Being, the stronger a person I become. I have noticed a strong desire lately to be more creative and to trust the creative person within. What I still lack is the discipline to create. I continue to not be willing to give up things like television, computer games etc. and use that time to be creative or be outdoors. I guess if I am to be truthful, I am lazy. I get tired faster. I also believe not having someone who is creative and disciplined in my life helps me to be lazy. To make excuses not to do what I can. I need to meet and be around women who don't allow for excuses. Who encourage me to get off the couch and quit being so lazy. To stop being a child and grow up.

Being with family that is dysfunctional yet loving has brought up something in me I needed for a long time. The sense of forgiveness. I left finally believing deep down I was forgiven for who I had been in the past and loved for who I was today. What a great freedom. Freedom of feeling guilty all these years for not being there for them when they needed me. Freedom from feeling like the outsider. I can text and write now and know they will keep in touch as well. They too, including my nieces want us to move back there. To not wait so long to visit again. I left Connecticut feeling loved.

I know we still have our dysfunctional sides. How could we not with the upbringing we had. You cannot grow up in an alcoholic situation and not come out scarred somehow. But you can overcome those traits if you are willing and I have been willing for some time now. And I will continue to do what it takes to continue to change and accept others as they are. Most important, I will continue to keep a conscious contact with a Higher Power and rely on him to continue changing what needs to be changed in me. I will practice on a daily basis keeping the focus on me; not the other person. What do I need to do that is right. "Let it Begin With Me." I love that saying. I will use it as my mantra as I practice meditating.

I feel so content, so free as I write these words. And I am beginning to find myself writing ideas on the side in a notebook for short stories. I want to get back to writing for children and spiritual insights. Make up stories using real life situations. There is so much I want to do and feel anxious that I have such little time to do it all. Working full time does not make it easier. but again, I cannot make anymore excuses. There is still time in the day to do little things. Before and after work. During lunch breaks. I just have to pray for the willingness and energy, to be willing to get off my butt and start being the woman I can respect and love.

This journal entry has been all over the place. But it is where my head is right now. I am home in Colorado trying to get back into my normal life, yet my heart and mind is still in Connecticut. I don't feel like I am home anymore. It is a weird place to me emotionally. But I know in time it will get back to normal. Maybe going back to work Monday will help. All I can say is, this trip back to see family, to see where I grew up and to be with my friend woke something up in me that has been dormant a long time. Hope of returning home. I gave that up a long time ago and this trip has brought it back up to the surface. It will be interesting to see where it goes from here. Will I act on it or will it go dormant again? Only time will tell.

Getting back a piece of serenity and belief in a Creator though Nature.

Each morning for the past month I ask my Creator to reveal him/herself to me. To open my eyes so I can see him. Yesterday I saw the most beautiful eagle; it was close enough for me to see his wingspan so wide and his red head. He soared above so magnificently. Then this morning I left earlier than usual for my morning walk before work and came upon the mother deer who comes each year. I had to walk slowly to the other side of the road so she would know we were not going to harm her. That was a great sign of the Creator. So I open my eyes and become willing to look for the signs of a power that is big enough to create these animals that simply live each day as they were created to live and minding their own business. These innocent animals do intentionally set out to destroy your garden, they are simply seeking out food. You know, the food source we destroy every time we tear up the earth to build new buildings, homes and dirt bike trails.

When I see small things like this deer, it brings me a sense of being a part of creation in a very spiritual way. Just look at the colors in the flowers. They are natural. They are not colored by human hands, they grow naturally, just the way they are made to. All things in our universe was created perfectly. Created in a way to enhance our lives and bring us close to the spiritual energy that brought life to this planet. A power or God if you wish that created nature in a way to sustain life in a natural way, in a manner that did not need destruction or the touch of man's greedy way of life.

But as we humans evolve we change the natural order of things. We have somehow come to believe we are the ones with the power. We do not need the animals that are apart of the natural order of things. And with this false belief we are destroying the very things that sustain our being. The human race has become their own god. There are those who believe themselves to have the power to do as they please at the cost of lives and living things, including the innocent people who struggle each day to just want to live a simple life without destruction or fear of the corporations and their power to take away our source of living. The people with power do not care about nature or animals or the 'little people's needs, they are too consumed with power and making more money.

 It hurts me every time I drive by a wooded area, a mountain side or open spaces and see it being torn up to build homes or shopping centers. Knowing for a fact there are millions of empty, perfectly good houses people could move into without destroying more earth. Yet they want their own home, a new better home. And so we dig up more earth, we destroy the food and water source for the wild animals and we kill off the very existence of what sustains the earth which in turn sustains us. But don't listen to me; I am just a small person with little knowledge about the corporate world. I am just an animal lover, a lover of nature who wishes she could do something to stop the materialistic growth going on all around me. Is there no wonder we cannot find God? A Creator?

 I cannot help myself from thinking about the small creatures who have homes in these woods and open areas. Creatures that will have to scurry to find new places to get their food source and build homes. Animals like the deer I saw and mountain lions we read about that coming down from the mountains and getting closer to humans; people are scared and want them killed. Yet did they not move into animal territory? Isn't it funny and contradictory to move into the mountains then complain because an elk is in your yard eating your flowers? Or complaining about Mountain lions coming into your property attacking your chickens or small dogs and wanting them killed, come on now, who was living there first? Whose territory did you move into? These wild animals are only doing what they were born to do, hunt for food. Every animal, insect and living things in nature has a purpose. We don't have to understand or know what it is, we only have to accept they are part of the eco system that we depend on for our own survival.

If we study and watch the animal kingdom we see something we can learn if we are willing to be honest, humble and less greedy. Animals do not kill because they are angry, they kill to eat or protect their territory. Animals do not destroy the earth that sustains their food source. There is a peacefulness watching how they go about life simply taking only what they need to survive and no more. And yet we call ourselves the smarter species because God created us as so. Really?

I resent that I am at the mercy of corporations and insurance companies that tell me what I can have or not have depending on my age. I resent that CEO's sit behind big offices making decisions on how to get richer at the expense of our animal kingdom and ourselves as well! These organizations care only about making more money and gaining more power. How it is effecting the natural order of things, the natural order of what was perfectly created and put together is utterly ridiculous. And yet what can I do about it? I am just a lower class woman who lives pay check to pay check. I do not have the means to protect the wild life and natural habitats that these big corporations are destroying. Who would listen to a housewife with no knowledge of the big corporate world.

I find myself some days finding it difficult to believe in a God of creation. When I find this happening it is usually because I have become more focused on what we are destroying and the material world more than on nature and the true creation. My focus is on the worldly events that are out of my control instead of on what is around me here, in my small world, my neighborhood and then I miss the beauty around me like the deer or the eagle. So then I then I know it is time to  take a ride to the mountains where human beings have not yet touched or destroyed the trees and wild life and my faith is restored. My belief that a Creator bigger than the human race exists. We are just hiding it with buildings and material greed. My focus is returned to nature and off worldly matters and things I have no control over. I am able for just a while to "Let Go and Let God" as they say.

So I have returned to my morning prayer as some may call it; I prefer to see it as a conversation with a Higher Power who does not need a name. I ask each day to see what is important. And I ask for the courage to do whatever it is I can no matter how small it may be. Like taking a walk at lunch time and feeding the horses an apple or just sitting on the bench watching the innocent children in the park enjoying the moment, not concerned with the future or yet filled with greed for more 'things" and before I realize it my spirit is restored, my faith is returned, even if for just a short time. But I have to make the time, sacrifice things like sitting in front of the t.v. or playing games on the computer to see the life I was created to see. Perhaps one day I will fulfill a dream of sketching the beauty in our world. Perhaps our Creator will bring me the gift to draw what he/she wants me to see. Or perhaps I will be blessed with a mentor who can help me expand on my writing. Teach me to express what it is I am trying to say in a more professional way. Like the day I saved that skunk with the yogurt cup stuck on his nose. Oh to be able to draw that!

So now, as I come to close and get ready to sleep, I will think about the deer I came upon and smile. I will thank my Creator for showing me his beautiful art. And when I wake up, I will once again ask for my eyes to be opened to the world around me, the little world I live in and see the beauty around me. I will think about ways to rid this little world of the stupid, evil people who live under the false pretense that animals are nothing more than nuisance and get into their gardens. I will fantasize about using my BB gun. Don't worry, it would just be a short fantasy. I wouldn't actually go through with it; that would only make me a part of the very world I want to escape from.

So, if you are reading this and feel strongly about saving our animal kingdom, the mountains and open spaces around us, please respond and let me know how you do your small part to help. I know not to feed the wild animals and yet feel compelled to do something to give back to nature what the big corporations and people of power are taking away. What small act do you do to make yourself feel more a part of creation?