I'm going on a "real" vacation.

I am so frustrated, as usual, just as I get ready to write something on my blog, my husband walks in the door, the cat decides she is going to run all over me and the dog starts wanting in, then back out a hundred times. Whatever it was that I wanted or felt compelled to write goes out of my head. The concentration is gone. My sweet husband thinks going to the bedroom and reading is the answer; forgetting that it now leaves me to have to let the dog in and out. The dear man tries so hard to do the right thing that I can't stay upset with him. OK, I can, just not for long. Then there is the guilt of making him go to the bedroom to read so I can be left alone. There is only one answer and I have finally gotten him to agree. As soon as the bills are paid off from our upcoming trip, our top priority is going to be getting my own room completed with door and walls. It won't take much.  (I think he agreed because it will give him a break from my complaining and angry outbursts. For now I will just try to make the best of the situation and look for answers instead of feeling sorry for myself and getting so angry each time this comes up. I can hear a good friend asking me, "Cathie, how bad do you want this? What are you willing to give up to have "writing time?" Maybe I don't want it as bad as I make is sound. If I did wouldn't I make it happen one way or another? Yes I would. All this complaining about being interrupted and not having the  time are excuses to hide the real reason I don't write as much as I could; lack of discipline and perseverance. I want it to be easy, just as I do everything in my life. I am such a baby sometimes. There are times when people or things don't go my way that I throw tantrums like I just now. And then there are other times these things just don't matter and I go with the flow. Can I blame this on menopause for now instead of immaturity? I think I will.

There are solutions. I just choose to feel like the victim and complain about why I shouldn't have to be the one who is always having to change my schedule or be inconvenienced in order to get my needs met. It's times like this when that fantasy about owning a duplex, with him living on one side and me the other comes back. We would have our own places to do and decorate as we please and yet still be together when we want. Talk about a perfect world. Oh don't fret, he probably feels the same way, as you already gathered from previous journals, I am not a piece of cake to live with either. I believe deep down a lot of people probably feel the same way at times, they just don't want to admit it.

OK, the dog is in and laying in bed with the husband and the cat has calmed down. All is quiet except his snoring coming down the hallway. See, even when he is asleep he still manages to make noise! No problem, I can deal with this little thing. So back to writing what I had started to. Which is probably not worth all the previous ranting and raving. I am not even sure what it was I was going to journal about! Oh yeah, my up-coming vacation.

I will be traveling back east where I grew up in just a couple weeks. I haven't been back in fifteen years and that was not a good visit for a couple reasons, one being my dad was ill and I knew deep down it was going to be the last time I saw him alive. The last couple weeks have been very stressful and exciting all at the same time. People are getting tired of hearing my concerns and my changing the itinerary over and over. It was suggested (strongly) that I sit down and write out the itinerary and then leave it alone. To plan it out but to be flexible if it should change for some reason. You see, if it hasn't been noticeable yet, it will as time goes on and I continue blogging, that I am a control freak. I need to have a plan and know what to expect so I can plan for it at all times. Otherwise I am a basket case and drive everyone around me absolutely crazy to a point, I am sure, where they dread it when they see me coming. (I am willing to bet there are a few who are so grateful for caller ID). Unfortunately I am still fighting a  world where life doesn't always go according to Cathie's plan. Unexpected things continue to come up. And plans for this vacation are no exception.

First off, we were going to stay at a sister's house the whole time to save money on the hotel room. However, she forgot to mention there would be two kids and my older sister staying there as well, along with six dogs. So seven people sharing one bathroom seemed a little crowded for us, but her heart was in the right place. We knew our limits and decided it would be best to stay at a hotel part of the visit. Then another sister offered for us to stay at her place as long as we didn't mind sleeping on an air mattress and quite frankly that sounded like fun since we get along so well. (I don't know where I got that idea since we haven't seen each other in 15 years and even then it was for a very short time). Anyway, we then realized how much smoking would be going on in the house and I am highly sensitive to smoke; so we decided we would only stay a few nights then spend the rest of the time at a hotel. There all is well. We would have "our" time away when needed. But that too was not to be. We then found out that this sister is having health issues again and not really strong enough to have to worry about getting her house ready for visitors and keeping us entertained when there and, the air mattress had a hole in it so we would be sleeping on a blow up bed. She was very relieved when I suggested we stay the whole time at the hotel so she wouldn't have to get ready for us. This worked out well for us, we realized or I should say, I realized that it was probably best we had a place to go to when and if the need arises, I am sure we would all need a break from each other at times. However, this new plan has eaten up a great deal of our spending  budget. But again it has turned out for the best since both my husband and I love staying at hotels. I really do. I feel spoiled and free. It is getting away for a while from everyone. And there are a lot of things we can do at no cost or low cost, so it worked out for the best. Once again.  I know this probably sounds silly, since  the very person I was complaining about not having enough time away from earlier will be in the same hotel room; but come on, this is different, we will be on vacation! And we get our own big beds!! I love having my own bed and having it look nice every time we return to the room. Another part of a vacation I love so much. Not worrying about cleaning up.

So, I took my friends suggestion and sat down and wrote out an itinerary of the days and times we would be free to travel and site see on our own and the times we would be expected to spend with my sisters and their families. I still cannot believe I am journaling about going back East and seeing where I grew up and my sisters again. To finally be able to show my husband where I grew up and went to school and other areas of childhood. There has always been this little part of me that would get jealous whenever we would drive through an area where my husband would say, "this is where I did such and such." OK, a big part of me would get jealous. I wanted to be able to show him parts of my life. And now, here I am, planning to do just that! I had given up on this ever happening due to unforeseen financial problems constantly popping up. But one day a few months ago while he was at the computer, out of no where I decided the hell with it,  we were going back east and I told him so and we just went ahead and booked the flight. That's right, without a second thought (which is not like us with these types of decisions),  we took all our savings and booked our tickets. I just had this sense that if we didn't do it now we never would. I knew it would never be "the right time so why not just go for it and take a chance. And so far everything is falling into place. And so far things are beginning to  fall apart at the same time. The truck has decided to have problems, the washer is making horrible noises; and work is slow. I am trying not to stress out about the finances and trust the Creator in all this. To stop doubting the decision to take this trip. And so far the Creator is taking care of things just fine when I stay out of the way and let each thing go as it comes up. Of course that is after I have a few moments of panic, then I let it go.

My husband has never been to the east coast and wants to see the beaches more than historical sites so we will make Rhode Island a higher priority than Boston if we get to a point where we just can't do both trips in the short amount of time we will be there. But again, I am going to wait until we get there and see how things go. I did buy tickets for the tour bus to downtown NY, that will be the big trip! I am pleased my sisters have given us the freedom to travel while there, after all it is our vacation and we won't be back there again for a very long time if at all. Truth be told, we haven't really stayed too close in touch over the years, except when one of them was ill in the hospital or some other emergency came up. So I don't feel obligated to spend our entire time with family. Sad as that may sound. I love them, but in all honesty I have to admit my friends know me better than my sisters do and I don't really know my sisters as much as I do my friends. Its just the way it is; no ones fault really. But the fact remains they are my sisters and I am excited for the opportunity to see them and spend some quality time with them. It will be the first time my husband will meet all but one. That is exciting as well. I hope they will love him as much as I want them to. Another thing out of my control.

Vacations, real vacations are a lot of work when you are someone who needs to be control and have everything planned out. I have four lists going: a what to pack list, what to prepare list for my son who is caring for our pets, an outfits to pack list, and a To-Do list. I have a little notebook I am carrying around so I can write things down as they come up. Don't want to forget anything. No control issues here. I also don't know what I can take on the plane in a carry-on or how big the carry on can be. A friend is taking us to the air-port and I am trying to trust she will not be late. I am still learning to trust people to do what they say they will, as my experiences in that area has not turned out so well in the past. But I have begun to develop healthier relationships and need to give them my trust when they offer to do things for us. Like my neighbors helping out with pets in the mornings so my son doesn't have to come before work. Trust is not one of my strong suits, but that's for another post. Back to my up-coming trip.

This is our second real vacation in our twenty years together. The first was in San Diego when my son graduated form Marine boot camp. We had a wonderful week away by the ocean, it was the honeymoon we never got to have. I literally cried when on the way back the pilot announced we would be landing in Denver in 10 minutes. I didn't want to be back in Colorado; I wanted to go back to San Diego and the ocean and the fun. Not back to the dry air and the stress from our jobs. Now we are getting ready to fly to CT for six whole days! We will fly in late one night and leave early our last day, and have six whole days in between to travel around and see my sisters.

Is it normal to feel both apprehension and excitement at the same time? It is frustrating because I can't really do anything to get ready yet, like pack and fix meals for my son, still too soon for those things. However there is a lot around the house I can be doing but keep finding excuses not to. Then get stressed out because it isn't getting done. So today I finally got started on that "To Do" list.

Today was a productive day. I repotted some plants I have been needing to do for a while; got a load of laundry done and scrubbed down and cleaned out the bottom cabinet in my bathroom that I have been going to do for several months now and watered the plants and bird bath. But other than that I have done nothing but get on this site and write, which has taken about two hours, can't believe how quickly time goes whenever I am writing. I just love to write and then edit and rewrite. I could do it all day!  But now it is time to put the computer away and do some knitting before I take a bath and meet up with some friends.

I heard about a lady who is wanting to do a writers workshop and I am thinking about calling her and asking if she would be willing to help me with this blog, with my writing. I could use some critiquing and help as you no doubt already figured out. But I am afraid she will tell me what I have always feared. That I don't have writing talent. That although I love writing, I stink at it. But maybe if I try writing a couple short stories she will see I can write. I will continue to think about it and not make a decision or do anything just yet.

With all that is going on with planning for this vacation I am much too vulnerable to hear that I am not a writer and would be better off shutting down this blog to save me anymore humility. I can be so dramatic can't I? Always thinking the worse even when told the opposite. Maybe I should have gone to acting school. I would be so good in a drama movie. I would have made a great Scarlet O'Hara; 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn".

OK, not much time left so I better start on the dishcloth and continue to enjoy this quiet time I am having as he sleeps. Isn't it funny how a sleeping husband can be as innocent and cute as a sleeping toddler? Oh my I just realized, he did do the right thing going to the bed room! I have been enjoying quiet time this whole time while he, the dog and finally the cat are all asleep. God, forgive my whiney complaining earlier!

Perfect timing. I was able to go back and edit this post and am now finished and he just woke up and let the dog out. So he is on the computer playing his games and the dog is happily laying outside, for a few minutes anyway. I can knit and take a bath with him awake doing his thing no problem. Besides, when I get frustrated I just have to remember we are going on vacation soon. It will be here before we know it! Yay us! Now I can be one of those people who goes on a "real" vacation out of state!

Like a Giraffe

Did you know that when a baby giraffe is born his mother will knock him down each time he stands up and do this several times? It is for survival, so the baby will be able to get up quickly when needing to run from predators. Or so I am told. I also like the thought a dear lady once said to me. She said, Cathie, sometimes you have to stick your neck out once in a while and take a risk. Which also made me think about a giraffe's long neck. So naturally I now have an obsession, a love for giraffes. And I am practicing little by little each day for the past couple weeks, of doing something outside my comfort level. I am doing instead of thinking. Know what I mean? All my life I think and write about what I need to do and what needs to be changed. Lately I have actually begun to do things and find myself writing less. That is not what I intend to keep doing however. I want to continue writing, but about things that I am accomplishing not what I should be doing.  I am a worrier. I am fearful and used to living in the world of "what ifs". Lately I have been making decisions and doing things in spite of the fears and unnecessary concerns. And to be honest it gets really stressful at times. It doesn't come easy for me. But yet it also has a sense of pride and Wow!, I can really think and make decisions on my own and they work out alright! Ok, maybe not completely on my own, I did have to have some help talking it out and fretted quite a bit over it; but I finally made it and now I feel relieved and proud. Ok, I know you are wondering what this huge thing was. I know you will no doubt either understand completely or just think I am a nut case. That's ok. I am at times. The decision I was struggling over was whether or not to get off my husbands insurance and onto my own at my job. It was better to do this for many reasons but I just fretted so much over "what if" I made the wrong decision? What if I changed and suddenly lost my job? Or the company folded. Or "what if " I find out I can't keep my doctors? Oh my gosh what if my husband's company doesn't drop me in time, will I run into a problem having a claim paid?  I was worrying over things that one; hadn't happened yet and two, were out of my control should any of them happened. I am here to say, so far all is well and working out fine. But I stressed so much over it! Is it worth it really? Sticking my neck out is so stressful. Maybe I should learn to love the ostrich, then I could go back to sticking my head in the sand sort of speak and not deal with these issues. Continue to let my husband take care of everything. Unfortunately that is not an option for me any longer. At least not if I want to live life on my terms. If you have read any of my other blogs you know that I am determined to be a whole different person than who I have been. One who I can cherish and love being. This means falling down and getting back up. Sticking my neck out and risking rejection or failure. Giving up however, is no longer an option.

I met a wonderful lady last weekend that was so vivacious and fun, she had a room for meditation; lived in a wonderful tiny little town in an old house with a big yard. I saw her and immediately knew who I wanted to be! I am not saying I want to be her, but I saw myself through her. I saw the person I wanted to become. I suddenly realized and saw for the first time who I really am! Who I wanted to become. Creative, colorful, and most important free to be who I am. Since that weekend I have not been able to let go of the sense that there is a wonderful woman inside that is desperately wanting to be set free and I am keeping her locked inside out of fear no one will like her. No one will accept her. But is this truth?  Or is it just another excuse not to change? Is it another way to avoid the chance I will fail a few times and have to get back up. Am I too afraid to stick my neck out and see what happens? I can't blame other people or circumstances anymore for me not be truthful to myself. I am the only one who can change what I don't like about me. Thankfully I believe in a Creator who is a part of me and will give me the courage to do what I need to do in spite of the risks. And I know with certainty that if I continue to spend time with my spirit Creator, I will gain the courage and guidance to be who I was created to be in the first place. I will learn to be my own best friend. Wouldn't that be fun? To get up each day and be able to spend it with someone you are comfortable and happy to be with? Sounds crazy to some people I am sure. But its become so important to me to be my own best friend. After all, if I don't learn to accept and love me the way I am now, warts and all; how can I expect others to? If I don't respect myself, is it realistic to expect others to treat me with respect? It doesn't seem to work that way. If I wait until I am rid of all the things I dislike about myself I will never be a friend to myself because I am never going to be perfect.

So all this to say I am finally ready to be "like a Giraffe" and stick my neck out, and get up each time I try something and fall down, (instead of feeling sorry for myself and staying down). I won't look at things that don't work out as failures, I will simply get back up and try something else. I won't know right away who I am or feel good about, I have to try out different styles and hobbies to know what I really like and what suits me. You can't change overnight what you have believed and done all your life. Being a people pleaser for my entire life isn't going to disappear because I suddenly realized I wasn't being true to myself. I wish it were that easy. No, its time to be an adult and take responsibility for my own happiness. I am willing to do whatever it takes to become the woman I can wake up to each day and say, hi, I am Cathie and I like me! Sounds corny when I put it that way but I don't know how else to say it. I just know I don't want to hate who I am any longer. This journey I am on is not one I am taking alone. My Creator has brought women into my life to help me. And if I am willing to reach out to them I can do nothing but grow and change. It is my choice.

This is so exciting! Because since this revelation, I have done things on the spur of the moment I normally would not do. Like going camping with a friend on a two week notice. Or make decisions about what insurance plan to take. Little things to most people, but huge to me. I am not as confident in decision making as some. I have too much self-doubt inside. I learned growing up not to trust my feelings or thoughts about things, that I didn't know anything. I carried this lie into my adult life. Now I need to be gentle with myself and take it one thing at a time. Who would have thought that at 56 years old I would begin taking risks. That I would be willing to start looking at what I need to change and not what others need to do in order for me to be happy. I feel like a little kid who just learned she could choose for herself what she wanted to be when she grew up. I am learning I can say, "you know, I really don't want to do that." or "I really want to do this." Is it easy? No. Is it comfortable? Absolutely not. But I believe with all my heart and soul it is worth it. It will get easier and it will become comfortable. Maybe even natural! ( I hope). I just have to get up and go! No more lying down after work. No more spending energy at work worrying about what might happen or not happen. A lady said to me a short time back, "Cathie, where are your hands?" What she was saying was, what are you doing at that particular moment? Get out of tomorrow and its unwarranted concerns and back into the moment. And I have been trying to remind myself of that each time I find myself starting to worry, or stressing over what I have no control over. I know this all sounds like I have it figured out. Believe me I don't. I am just practicing and walking through it. There are good moments and there are moments when I am so afraid I want to hide my head in the sand. But instead I stick my neck out. I make a phone call and talk it over, or I reach out to my Creator and ask for the courage and guidance to make the next move. Then I sit quietly for a bit, then go on with rest of the day, trusting he will show me and I will know the step to take for that particular situation.

Life is a journey. It is full of disappointment and pain at times. But it is also full of joy and fun and love a lot of the time. It is just a matter of where I spend it. In the pain or in the joy. Once again my choice. My decision. No more looking to others to tell me who I am, what I need to do or not do. It is time for Cathie to stick out her neck and take risks. Find out life isn't so bad or difficult after all. I can do more than I give myself credit for or truthfully want to. Sometimes I still want to take the easy way out of situations, not rock the boat sort of speak. And I probably will continue to at times. But hopefully, my blogs will be filled with positive, inspiring experiences more and more, and less on what is not happening or what others are doing to me.

My husband has gone out and I am going to stop here and take the time he is gone to enjoy a good book or movie undisturbed! Or maybe I will just play a game. Who knows. I will just close this post and let whatever comes be what I do! This giraffe is going to take a rest.

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