I had a choice today. Clean the dishes before work or write. Guess what I chose? During my morning walk the breeze was cool and I could hear it rustling through the trees. It brought to mind just how blessed I am to live where I live and have what I have. Yes, many people have more and live in nicer, bigger homes; yet many have less and no home. Made me realize again how important it is not to compare my life with others but to be grateful for what I do have, to continue being who I was born to be and to do what I enjoy most.
It is difficult to understand the devastation and wars going on around the world. To know civilians who have no say and are being killed and tortured. To know thousands have lost loved ones, homes and entire towns due to natural disasters and the hands of horrible people. Yet here I sit feeling sorry for myself because I have to go to work in a place where it is loud, chaotic and unprofessional. I should be thankful I have a job to complain about!
Today I will continue my affirmation of being a creative professional woman and mind my own business. I will not allow those few woman who profess to be "Christians" and act worldly with gossip and judgment of others effect my view of a loving strong presence in our universe. I don't believe the biblical god; I know people have said it takes more faith not to believe than to believe; so I guess I have very strong faith at this point in time! But that is for another time.
I decided last night to learn excel. I know the basics only. So I got out the expensive book, "Microsoft Office 2013 for DUMMIES" out of hiding and looked at the chapter on excel. Looking at the title made me wonder, "if I do not learn this nor understand it, what does that make me? Stupid?" Is stupid lower than dumb? I didn't do anything with the book mind you, but hey, its a start. Maybe tomorrow I will push myself further and actually try one of the lessons. For now I will leave it on the computer desk and go back to what I have come to be good at, lying down. Its not yoga, but it is relaxing, does that count?
It is amazing how much you want to learn when you suddenly wake up one day and realize how much of your life you wasted being a victim or just plain lazy, truth be told. It is difficult though to get myself out of the laziness I have gotten myself into the last year. How do I go from being a woman who is not blessed with perseverance and know how and give her the energy and determination to do what it takes to succeed in her interests and hobbies? Why are some so blessed with strong personalities and perseverance, the "I can do anything" attitude while the rest of us doubt ourselves? I need a magic wand. Or a swift kick in the pants. If I could afford it I would hire my own boot camp instructor and suffer the abuse of being yelled at all day!!
The positive side now. I have begun to surround myself with woman who feel the same as I. Who have the same insecurities and lack of energy I have at times but these woman have learned to overcome. They have changed and are succeeding in their lives. Surrounding myself around woman who enjoy laughing and can accept themselves just as they are while continuing to learn new things and blow through challenges is just what I need. It is up to me I now have to admit, to make the choice of getting off the couch and "doing" something. Not continue to write about what I want to be different. Yesterday was a start. I have continued this week to make myself get dressed and walk my dog before work. Even when I didn't "feel like it" (that is my normal mantra). I have also written each day. It may not be a world classic or as good as other blogs I have read, but it is a beginning.
Today I will remember the things I have to be grateful for. The things that bring a smile to my face, make my life more comfortable to live in and for the people that have been and are coming into my life. It is a new day to live anew!! I wish to thank my readers for being patient with me as I work out my writing subjects and live this new journey. My next goal will be to sit down when I have real time to write something meaningful.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Menopause, The Years of Delight.
First off, I thought I hit save so I could work more on my previous post but saw this morning that instead, I had posted it! More learning I suppose.
That being said. I want to know why no one told me that in my menopausal years I would not only suffer from "hot" flashes, but that they would make me sweat like a pig over a pit!!! It is so embarrassing to be sitting there at work and suddenly feel the heat and sweat pouring down my face. I wonder, can they see it? Do I smell? No one says anything, perhaps they are being nice. I go to the bathroom and smell myself to be sure. I work out front and it would not do to greet strangers with a bad odor.
Another thing I notice are the mood swings. One moment my husband is the best in the world. The next he is a selfish, self-centered man who I need reprieve from before I am seen on the front news on channel 9. I hate being this woman I turn into at times. I can only hang on until I transform from Senior Citizen to Elderly. Now isn't that something to look forward to.
I came home yesterday evening and am sorry to report I did not look at the book I am supposed to be starting to study on Word Programs. But don't give up on me, I am still determined to. Its this menopause I swear. I can't remember a darn thing 10 minutes after thinking it. It is also noticeable at work the last couple months. My typing skills are slowing down and I have to go back and retype words correctly, somehow over the months I have become dyslexic is that another symptom of menopause? If there is God, and I am not saying there is, it has to be a man. Why would a female God put her own kind through all this? I suppose men suffer as well, after all they have to put up with the mood swings and forgetfulness, not to mention whining. (Or am I the only one who whines)?
A co-worker was nice enough to give me a fan for my birthday that hangs from my neck and blows up into my face. It is a wonderful tool and I recommend it highly for those of you suffering alongside me. However, you have to have a strong, I don't care what you think attitude to wear it. Other co-workers look at me funny and ask what the heck that thing is. I simply smile and explain I believe someone has turned on the heat and I need to cool off. When in a mood swing however, I simply shout, "I am having a hot flash you dim wit!". No not really, I just think that last comment, I do need this job until the universe or God, whichever you believe, decides I have earned a new more fulfilling position somewhere else. I believe I am practicing overcoming challenges at this workplace, that is for another article.
Another area menopause has effected is my face. I notice more hair and I have this unattractive shadow under my nose and above my mouth. It seems to need attention every few days and am horrified when my husband walks in and catches me shaving my face!!! To overcome the embarrassment I have looked closely at other women and notice they too have "the shadow". Have you notice as well, that on one side of the face, your eye is smaller than the right? What is up with that? But I have a wonderful secret to keeping our skin smooth and soft and it is right in your kitchen pantry. Pure Olive Oil!!! I used it for a really bad sunburn I got a few weeks back and it did such a wonderful job on that I decided to continue using it. Ladies, my husband has noticed my face looking really nice lately! Use it sparingly though, don't want to attract little flies. Wouldn't that be a fantastic addition to the already many wonderful facets of menopause, flies around the face.
So, as I do not want my posts to end in a negative manner I do want to say that there is one positive thing that has come out of this time in my life. I am writing!! It is an accomplishment I did not think I had the nerve to continue doing once I notice a couple posts. However, I haven't read them as I am afraid it will deter me from my main goal of this blog. To share and grow through these senior years with other women. And men as they too deal with their own issues of middle age. Oh sorry, fooling myself again, Senior years!
Oh, better get to work!
That being said. I want to know why no one told me that in my menopausal years I would not only suffer from "hot" flashes, but that they would make me sweat like a pig over a pit!!! It is so embarrassing to be sitting there at work and suddenly feel the heat and sweat pouring down my face. I wonder, can they see it? Do I smell? No one says anything, perhaps they are being nice. I go to the bathroom and smell myself to be sure. I work out front and it would not do to greet strangers with a bad odor.
Another thing I notice are the mood swings. One moment my husband is the best in the world. The next he is a selfish, self-centered man who I need reprieve from before I am seen on the front news on channel 9. I hate being this woman I turn into at times. I can only hang on until I transform from Senior Citizen to Elderly. Now isn't that something to look forward to.
I came home yesterday evening and am sorry to report I did not look at the book I am supposed to be starting to study on Word Programs. But don't give up on me, I am still determined to. Its this menopause I swear. I can't remember a darn thing 10 minutes after thinking it. It is also noticeable at work the last couple months. My typing skills are slowing down and I have to go back and retype words correctly, somehow over the months I have become dyslexic is that another symptom of menopause? If there is God, and I am not saying there is, it has to be a man. Why would a female God put her own kind through all this? I suppose men suffer as well, after all they have to put up with the mood swings and forgetfulness, not to mention whining. (Or am I the only one who whines)?
A co-worker was nice enough to give me a fan for my birthday that hangs from my neck and blows up into my face. It is a wonderful tool and I recommend it highly for those of you suffering alongside me. However, you have to have a strong, I don't care what you think attitude to wear it. Other co-workers look at me funny and ask what the heck that thing is. I simply smile and explain I believe someone has turned on the heat and I need to cool off. When in a mood swing however, I simply shout, "I am having a hot flash you dim wit!". No not really, I just think that last comment, I do need this job until the universe or God, whichever you believe, decides I have earned a new more fulfilling position somewhere else. I believe I am practicing overcoming challenges at this workplace, that is for another article.
Another area menopause has effected is my face. I notice more hair and I have this unattractive shadow under my nose and above my mouth. It seems to need attention every few days and am horrified when my husband walks in and catches me shaving my face!!! To overcome the embarrassment I have looked closely at other women and notice they too have "the shadow". Have you notice as well, that on one side of the face, your eye is smaller than the right? What is up with that? But I have a wonderful secret to keeping our skin smooth and soft and it is right in your kitchen pantry. Pure Olive Oil!!! I used it for a really bad sunburn I got a few weeks back and it did such a wonderful job on that I decided to continue using it. Ladies, my husband has noticed my face looking really nice lately! Use it sparingly though, don't want to attract little flies. Wouldn't that be a fantastic addition to the already many wonderful facets of menopause, flies around the face.
So, as I do not want my posts to end in a negative manner I do want to say that there is one positive thing that has come out of this time in my life. I am writing!! It is an accomplishment I did not think I had the nerve to continue doing once I notice a couple posts. However, I haven't read them as I am afraid it will deter me from my main goal of this blog. To share and grow through these senior years with other women. And men as they too deal with their own issues of middle age. Oh sorry, fooling myself again, Senior years!
Oh, better get to work!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
What is the Definition of who I Am.
Who or what defines me? Why do I allow others in the work place and family to define who I am and what my worth is? I surround myself with dysfunctional, angry boring people and wonder why I am so unhappy. Is this what I am? No! I am funny, creative and smart. I just don't believe this strong enough. I allow others to beat me down into a insecure, angry woman who only dreams of what she could. No more! I made a decision a few weeks back this was going to change. I am tired of being the one everyone looks to for humor yet doesn't respect. I want RESPECT. It has been said, if you want respect, you have to respect yourself. Great, more responsibility for my own happiness.
Yesterday at work I realized I was allowing co-workers and acquaintances define who I am. Always have. Now in my senior years I am waking up and resenting it. So, will I stand up and do something or will I continue to play the victim? It is up to me. I mean really, who are these people? Do they really know me better than I know myself? Well maybe, since I am just beginning to know myself little by little. It is so cliché, "I don't know who I am". But here I sit, feeling those exact words. It is high time I get to know the real Cathie. So how do I start, any suggestions out there? My goodness, I sound like a teenager. I always thought maturity came naturally as you aged. I didn't realize you had to mature through change and experiences. God knows I have plenty of that, just haven't learned from them I suppose.
My first step is to check in with myself whenever I catch myself feeling sad or angry. Am I allowing someone who disrespect me? What about putting myself down in a humorous manner? These are things I can start with. Is the willingness and determination strong enough to change who others have convinced me I am? Wait a minute, I have never been a determined woman. Now I am!
Yesterday at work I came up with an affirmation: I Cathie, am a creative, professional woman employed in a creative, professional environment." Not bad huh? So this morning I practiced it on my walk and caught myself with my head up high and smiling. Will I have to quit my present job? Not today, but who knows, perhaps the universe will here this affirmation and stir me in the right path.
Today I will begin to define myself. Believe I was created for something special, even at this stage of my life, and go for it. I will practice good will towards those who anger or put me down. Ok, this part may be difficult, but not impossible.
So I need to leave for work now, but wanted to write something before the day got away. Practicing discipline, remember? I will add a post later as to how my experiment goes.
Yesterday at work I realized I was allowing co-workers and acquaintances define who I am. Always have. Now in my senior years I am waking up and resenting it. So, will I stand up and do something or will I continue to play the victim? It is up to me. I mean really, who are these people? Do they really know me better than I know myself? Well maybe, since I am just beginning to know myself little by little. It is so cliché, "I don't know who I am". But here I sit, feeling those exact words. It is high time I get to know the real Cathie. So how do I start, any suggestions out there? My goodness, I sound like a teenager. I always thought maturity came naturally as you aged. I didn't realize you had to mature through change and experiences. God knows I have plenty of that, just haven't learned from them I suppose.
My first step is to check in with myself whenever I catch myself feeling sad or angry. Am I allowing someone who disrespect me? What about putting myself down in a humorous manner? These are things I can start with. Is the willingness and determination strong enough to change who others have convinced me I am? Wait a minute, I have never been a determined woman. Now I am!
Yesterday at work I came up with an affirmation: I Cathie, am a creative, professional woman employed in a creative, professional environment." Not bad huh? So this morning I practiced it on my walk and caught myself with my head up high and smiling. Will I have to quit my present job? Not today, but who knows, perhaps the universe will here this affirmation and stir me in the right path.
Today I will begin to define myself. Believe I was created for something special, even at this stage of my life, and go for it. I will practice good will towards those who anger or put me down. Ok, this part may be difficult, but not impossible.
So I need to leave for work now, but wanted to write something before the day got away. Practicing discipline, remember? I will add a post later as to how my experiment goes.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
New Day, New Blog, New Thoughts
I don't know for sure if what I want to blog about is the right or safe thing to do, but feel compelled to begin a new chapter in my not so active blog history. I have changed the title so I could change the messages, experiences and personal experiences as well. Not be stuck on one idea as lately I have many thoughts and concerns in my head that I hope other women will be able to identify with.
I suppose I should start out with fears. For many years now I have hidden a secret that has caused me to feel great shame and fear of being found out. You see, I am Bi-polar. "Bi-polar II Disorder" is the exact diagnosis. Because of this I have come to believe (falsely) that I could not accomplish anything in my desire and love of writing; I would not be trusted by others to be dependable or "safe". I also believed I would be watched carefully by my bosses if they knew. Oh what fears and stress I had placed myself under.
I recently was put in a position I could no longer hide this truth. I became severely depressed and had to be hospitalized. I knew it was time to either be alone once again in this darkness, or take a risk and reach out to some of my trusted brothers and sisters in Christ. Not the whole church mind you, I haven't become that "out in the open" as yet! But with the few I wanted to know and have support from. I also was put in the position of my boss knowing because it was with her I "lost my mind" with. She was such a caring, loving soul and has only wanted what is best for me. It is with a new shame that I face my "illness", one of not trusting these close circle of people that have come into my life. For judging others as I was so afraid were judging me. I believe this is called false EGO.
This is another sample of what I will be sharing. I want others out there to know mental illness of any sort, huge or small does not have to define who we are; nor does it have to stop us from succeeding in our passions in life. I have read and learned of many people who struggle with mental illness much harsher than my own and they are creative, intelligent people who give me hope and inspiration to create in my own life. To these wonderful people I say thank you.
I suppose I should start out with fears. For many years now I have hidden a secret that has caused me to feel great shame and fear of being found out. You see, I am Bi-polar. "Bi-polar II Disorder" is the exact diagnosis. Because of this I have come to believe (falsely) that I could not accomplish anything in my desire and love of writing; I would not be trusted by others to be dependable or "safe". I also believed I would be watched carefully by my bosses if they knew. Oh what fears and stress I had placed myself under.
I recently was put in a position I could no longer hide this truth. I became severely depressed and had to be hospitalized. I knew it was time to either be alone once again in this darkness, or take a risk and reach out to some of my trusted brothers and sisters in Christ. Not the whole church mind you, I haven't become that "out in the open" as yet! But with the few I wanted to know and have support from. I also was put in the position of my boss knowing because it was with her I "lost my mind" with. She was such a caring, loving soul and has only wanted what is best for me. It is with a new shame that I face my "illness", one of not trusting these close circle of people that have come into my life. For judging others as I was so afraid were judging me. I believe this is called false EGO.
This is another sample of what I will be sharing. I want others out there to know mental illness of any sort, huge or small does not have to define who we are; nor does it have to stop us from succeeding in our passions in life. I have read and learned of many people who struggle with mental illness much harsher than my own and they are creative, intelligent people who give me hope and inspiration to create in my own life. To these wonderful people I say thank you.
Do I have to be a Wife today?
I don't want to be a wife today; or tomorrow, or the next day either. I want to get up in the morning and not see him sitting in his lounger eating his breakfast watching CSPAN. Rather, it would be nice to get up, poor myself a cup of coffee, open the drapes and turn on some music. To wake up and have no one to listen to or talk to; I have forgotten what that is like since getting married 16 years ago.
I admit it; I am a selfish person in my own right and want things my own way. But it is seldom I get it. He on the other hand has not had to sacrifice any of the enjoyments he had before we got married. Mainly because he has so few things he is interested in. Eating, watching television, a meeting or two a week and his motorcycle, which he only takes to meetings once or twice a week. So, I guess you could say, because he has no life, I have no life. Not one I truly would enjoy. Like having girlfriends stop by unannounced for coffee and a bit of chit chat. Maybe a game.
Now don't go getting all twisted up about me complaining. It isn't that I am unhappy that I married my husband. Quite the opposite most days. I just go thought these periods where I want to through him and his stuff out the door and let him back in when I have had my fun. Menopause? Middle age? Perhaps. All I know is, I am running out of time to enjoy my life to the fullest in the way I would like to and not sure how to go about experiencing it in such a way that is short of a divorce. Which by the way is not an option in either of our minds. But some days I really ponder these thoughts. More so as my birthday approaches.
(This post was drafted way back when I first considered a blog. Thought I would post it to give readers an idea of what Cathie's Corner might be about). Remember, I am not a professional writer. But I am a professional blabber who shares what she thinks, at least on paper)
I admit it; I am a selfish person in my own right and want things my own way. But it is seldom I get it. He on the other hand has not had to sacrifice any of the enjoyments he had before we got married. Mainly because he has so few things he is interested in. Eating, watching television, a meeting or two a week and his motorcycle, which he only takes to meetings once or twice a week. So, I guess you could say, because he has no life, I have no life. Not one I truly would enjoy. Like having girlfriends stop by unannounced for coffee and a bit of chit chat. Maybe a game.
Now don't go getting all twisted up about me complaining. It isn't that I am unhappy that I married my husband. Quite the opposite most days. I just go thought these periods where I want to through him and his stuff out the door and let him back in when I have had my fun. Menopause? Middle age? Perhaps. All I know is, I am running out of time to enjoy my life to the fullest in the way I would like to and not sure how to go about experiencing it in such a way that is short of a divorce. Which by the way is not an option in either of our minds. But some days I really ponder these thoughts. More so as my birthday approaches.
(This post was drafted way back when I first considered a blog. Thought I would post it to give readers an idea of what Cathie's Corner might be about). Remember, I am not a professional writer. But I am a professional blabber who shares what she thinks, at least on paper)
Coming Alive at Fifty-Five
Well, here goes nothing. It is time. Time to set aside all fears and lack of self confidence and just go for it. Nothing may come of this blog and suddenly one day I realized it didn't matter. For once in my life I am going to do something for me. This is my personal secret from spouse and friends. Why? Because I need something I can write for me without those who know me critiquing it. I would then begin trying to write what I think they want and not what is truth for me. Isn't it funny how I can take criticism or negativity from strangers yet not those close to me?
You see, I turned fifty-six last week and was reflecting on the last six months or so. Something within was changing. I was becoming honest with myself and those I was trying to be a part of in life.
It happened one day at church of all places. There I was sitting, listening to the words of the songs, listening to the sermon, then bam! It hit me. I could not do this any longer. I could not keep making believe I believed in the resurrection or virgin birth. I did not and had not. I wanted to, but wanting and doing are completely different. The fighting within had stopped. It was that very moment when I set myself free from the inner turmoil I felt each week. Feeling hypocritical all the time. That was the moment of freedom for me. It opened a whole new adventure. I began to see other areas in my life where I was being dishonest or people pleasing and I knew it had stop. My new year would be one of walking through the fear of writing in public. For one whole year I am going to discipline myself to write weekly. It is my corner to throw up whatever is going on internally or outward.
It is exciting to have a secret. Even at my age. Its not a secret in that you all will read it. But a secret from my inner circle of acquaintances. They will have no say in what I think or write. Now at this time at least.
I don't want to be safe any longer! I want to speak out, I want to WRITE more than I want to please others. I have spent my whole life worrying about others. Now, I want to express myself and hope there are Senior Citizens out there who struggle and enjoy the same things in our crazy world as I do.
So, although I lack discipline, am not a college graduate, I am going to set a new precedence for myself. This blog will be my learning tool. I will learn self-discipline by committing to write one piece a week to start. It will start in a journal as I still love putting pen to paper.
OK, this is just a start and I am writing quickly as my husband will be home shortly. So please don't judge this first piece of work in my writing skills. But I had to write something to get it started. Now I can take my journaling and put it to my blog, (edited of course).
I look forward to walking through my senior years with others like me. To learn that it is never too late to begin a passion no matter your age.Writing has been my passion since I learned my first word.
So, it is time. Time to find out who Cathie really is, what Cathie enjoys and fears. Writing this blog will be the first start in my goal to evolve into the creative, fun accomplished woman I have yearned to be for some time. It will push me to try new things so I will have interesting things to share once in a while. Although I am now fifty-six, I can truthfully say, it was at fifty-five that I came Alive!
You see, I turned fifty-six last week and was reflecting on the last six months or so. Something within was changing. I was becoming honest with myself and those I was trying to be a part of in life.
It happened one day at church of all places. There I was sitting, listening to the words of the songs, listening to the sermon, then bam! It hit me. I could not do this any longer. I could not keep making believe I believed in the resurrection or virgin birth. I did not and had not. I wanted to, but wanting and doing are completely different. The fighting within had stopped. It was that very moment when I set myself free from the inner turmoil I felt each week. Feeling hypocritical all the time. That was the moment of freedom for me. It opened a whole new adventure. I began to see other areas in my life where I was being dishonest or people pleasing and I knew it had stop. My new year would be one of walking through the fear of writing in public. For one whole year I am going to discipline myself to write weekly. It is my corner to throw up whatever is going on internally or outward.
It is exciting to have a secret. Even at my age. Its not a secret in that you all will read it. But a secret from my inner circle of acquaintances. They will have no say in what I think or write. Now at this time at least.
I don't want to be safe any longer! I want to speak out, I want to WRITE more than I want to please others. I have spent my whole life worrying about others. Now, I want to express myself and hope there are Senior Citizens out there who struggle and enjoy the same things in our crazy world as I do.
So, although I lack discipline, am not a college graduate, I am going to set a new precedence for myself. This blog will be my learning tool. I will learn self-discipline by committing to write one piece a week to start. It will start in a journal as I still love putting pen to paper.
OK, this is just a start and I am writing quickly as my husband will be home shortly. So please don't judge this first piece of work in my writing skills. But I had to write something to get it started. Now I can take my journaling and put it to my blog, (edited of course).
I look forward to walking through my senior years with others like me. To learn that it is never too late to begin a passion no matter your age.Writing has been my passion since I learned my first word.
So, it is time. Time to find out who Cathie really is, what Cathie enjoys and fears. Writing this blog will be the first start in my goal to evolve into the creative, fun accomplished woman I have yearned to be for some time. It will push me to try new things so I will have interesting things to share once in a while. Although I am now fifty-six, I can truthfully say, it was at fifty-five that I came Alive!
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