A dear friend of mine gave me a suggestion a few months back when I was struggling with who my God was or if he/she/it was. She had me get a cork board and start putting pictures of things that make me happy and feel spiritual. Another dear friend offered to paint a large tree on it, as I love tree's so very much, as I do all nature. I asked her to not put leaves on the tree, I wanted my pictures to be the leaves.
Well, my God had an even better idea. My friend found her voice from painting the tree and made 12 hearts from the branches; subtle but there. It is beautiful. At first I couldn't bring myself to put anything on it. Then one day I put an owl I had cut out, on one of the branches. Next I put a picture of a Goddess or Mother fairy down at the bottom of the tree trunk. As I sat in bed that night looking at my tree; I saw what I wanted. Birds on each tree; (owls) and quotes. I want to keep it simple as it will be more relaxing. But the child deep down within me saw something else. Her imagination was set on fire. As I continued the tree with all its forms, my eyes continued to be drawn to the Mother Goddess, Fairy if you prefer; but I could suddenly imagine the Mother Fairy going into the tree where there was a whole new world. It reminded me of the closet in the book by C.S. Lewis, The Witch, The Lion, and The Wardrobe." It made me smile as I imagined that world a part from ours where anything was possible.
So what does this have to do with letting your child within come out? It has shown me how little I allow myself to do things because it is "immature or childish". I realize now the difference between being childish (immature) versus "Child-like". To be child-like is let the innocence within come to the surface and create. Or as I like to say; give yourself a voice. I like to write; but I also like to create things. Making a collage or cutting out pictures for my "God" board is very creative and brings up feelings of happiness, serenity and something to meditate about. Not to mention, helping me to find a God of my understanding; one that brings me strength, courage, love and yes, a voice in which to share things I learn or acquire.
Once I began to allow the little girl within to come out to play; and by this I mean, allow the innocence and freedom to do things, create things that I believe God created all of us to be; it has become apparent just how creative and loving I would like to be. It has given me the courage to be child-like and find my voice. In whatever manner my God chooses for me. And I believe the more I add to my tree of life, (that just came to me for what to call my tree), the more I will come to know my Higher Power, God. In the meantime, I continue to talk to the God I do not understand, and I try to be still and listen for his voice to speak to me.
This project has lead me to other forms of being child-like. For instance, I have been busy knitting dish cloths, something I love to do. I also pulled out my pencils and drawing pads that were hidden away for a few years now due to my fear of learning I can't draw. Now I am free to draw, not to make a beautiful drawing, but to draw for the fun of it. If it turns out horrible so what? I just throw it away and draw another. It is the process of playing with creativity that causes it to be fun. Coloring books also bring me a quiet joy. It relaxes me. Again I had not bought a coloring book for many years for fear of appearing immature and childish. How can feeling relaxed and happy be childish or immature I had asked myself one night last week. How can doing things I enjoy, whether I am good at it or not be a bad thing? If I am judged harshly, isn't that about the one judging, not myself?
Creativity is about using whatever tools you have to use for creating something. I use yarn and needles to create a beautiful afghan for my son, Pens and pencils are used to write letters and loved ones notes or cards. Something as simple as cutting out pictures and quotes can bring large doses of happiness and wonderful thoughts. You can think of anything you make as being creative. And sometimes this can cause us to feel like little children. Is that a bad thing? Is it hurting you or someone else? If not, then I say, go for it, put all your energy into it. Bring some fun and happiness back into your life with simple tools like crayons and coloring books or paints. Whatever brings you calmness and joy.
To be child-like and allow that child within to surface, we allow ourselves to grow into loving, peaceful, creative individuals. And tell me; how is this a bad thing? Its not. My life is about a small group of friends who encourage me to create. These wonderful ladies show interest and joy when they see my ideas, watch me grow into a better human being. I don't know what my life would look like without them. I would no doubt still be living in constant fear of the unknown; still be allowing unhealthy relationships into my life that cause conflict and insecurity to fester within. Now as I have been taking time to get to know people and make better decisions about who I allow into my small circle of friends, I find my life becoming more abundant and fulfilling. It is no longer a bad thing to feel like a child when creating something using what adults consider children's tools, like crayons and paint by numbers. I suddenly remember the cut out dolls with clothe you attached with tabs that you folded over the doll. I remember even as a girl, drawing new clothes for my doll and feeling so proud of my work. It made me feel happy and pleased with myself. I realize I have to let go and be who I want to me; and to let child like thoughts and ideas come out to the surface.
I realize this is short, but I just felt like sharing something positive and uplifting. Hoping there is a reader who will gain encouragement to allow herself or himself to let down their guard, their unhealthy belief that it is wrong to be child-like. To do things that perhaps you think of children doing, not adults. Go ahead. Do it! Climb that tree you have been looking at. Jump into that pool others are enjoying. Color that picture you have been dying to color! Please, allow the little one within, the creative one, to come to the surface. Set her/him free for just a little while each day to create and bring you joy and a true sense of happiness. I assure you, it is an experience you will enjoy once you stop asking yourself, "what will people think?"
It was very difficult, painful even, to allow myself to let down my guard and play. Enjoy life each moment or brief moments. But now, as I slowly allow myself simple joys, I am becoming a better, happier woman. A woman I hope others want to be around. Not to complain to or to judge, but to play with. To share our creative side with one another. I don't know if you will be encouraged to try this little exercise after you have read the ideas; but I know I am going to continue being child-like at moments through out the day when I feel her strongly wanting to come to the surface. Why wouldn't I? She is very creative and funny. I like her. And if I can say I like the creative one within, I can say I like another piece of myself. Soon, these likes will eventually turn into love for myself.
So friend, please try to find that child hidden deep down and allow her to come out and play. You may be surprised to find you have hidden talents you never knew you had! Better yet, you just might find some happiness in yourself. I have. And that is why I am going to continue to play and do the things that make me feel good. I am going to give myself and others permission to be child-like! And with that my dear reader, I am going to close this post and go eat a box of Cracker Jacks! Who knows, perhaps I will even look for the prize inside!
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
God of My Own Understanding
There was a time, a very long time ago when I thought I had faith in God. I would talk to him at night during the day. I even started going to church and believing whatever they told me about who God was and what I needed to do to be "saved". These people had such faith, how could they be wrong? In the church I belonged to, 90% had good lives. Big gorgeous houses; beautiful clothes. No worries in the world. At least that is what I assumed. I remember always feeling like the kid in the Charlie Brown cartoon, Pig pen, when I walked into the building and sat down. It took time for the women to talk to me and find that I was not interested in their husbands. And yes, unfortunately I was wrong. These women turned out to be a blessing in my life. They warned me that my new found faith would blow up in my face one day. That because I strongly believed in God's love for me and that he would never let anything more bad happen to me, that when something bad came into my life my faith would disappear. How could they say such a thing? How could they preach faith one day and turn around the next and tell you your faith would be tested one day. I just didn't believe it.
Well, they were right. One day my husband at the time told me he wanted a divorce. He only married me because that was what he should do at his age; get married. I remember a fog slowly form around me. I was safe in this fog. I did not have to feel. I didn't have to talk to anyone. And I certainly didn't want to talk to God. Once again I was made to feel like a fool by my faith in a God I thought I believed in. Then it struck me, I was believing in the church's concept of God. A God of judgement, testing those who he loved; testing our love and loyalty. What kind of God would create us kmnwing one day we would destroy the beautiful life on this planet? No, the more I heard at church, the less I believed in a God of THEIR understanding. I knew it was time to find a God of MY understanding. I needed the God I had in early sobriety. The God I did not need to understand or know; just had to believe he was there and heard everything I said. And every so often this God would show Itself through a "coincident". I once heard, Coincident's are God's way of staying anonymous. Now, once again I believe in a Power Greater than Myself. One that I do not need to understand or put in a box. A God of all Life and creation. We are all part of this Universe, connected through this Higher Being.
If you really think about it; it is pretty arrogant to believe we could understand a God who is powerful enough to Create such a Universe. Where everything is made perfect. But we humans have become our own god. Creating and manufacturing machines and pesticides for things creation was doing all by itself. Did you know that bats eat insects? Yes, they come out at night and the pesty insects we hate. But I guess they don't it well enough to suit us so we created pesticides. A chemical that not only kills insects, but is toxic to us as well. Is this not crazy? If you believe God is the creator of all that exists, why do you litter? Why do you seek to destroy His creation? No, sorry, don't buy it.
The God of my understanding doesn't expect or need anything from me. However I need all from God. Strength for when life is difficult, Courage for when I am afraid or have lost someone important, or a job; I need my God for inner peace when I am in turmoil and my emotions are all over the place. The God of my understanding has no beginning or end and all of us, all that has life in it, are apart of the Higher Being because we are apart of the Universe. We were born into a world filled with greed, envy, anger, murder. But we don't have to let these things consume our every waking moment. At least that is what I have to keep telling myself. You see, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, my life is filled with worry and fear. And that is why every day I start with a simple prayer I learned about serenity, courage and wisdom. I have to accept I am powerless over people and what they do or how they choose to live; not to mention what they think about me. When I can accept I am powerless over others and situations, that trying to control what happens, my life becomes unmanageable. I am working on "Letting Go, and Letting God." It is not easy for me to trust in Power I believe in, yet don't necessarily believe it cares about someone as insignificant as me. Trust, it is a big word for but I am watching my life unfold in a different way and watching out for small miracles and "coincidences". For those times where I am afraid, and suddenly I walk through the fear believing this Power is with me giving me courage. And after I have walked through the fear, (or drove through it in a winter storm), it fills me with more faith and a sense that maybe, just maybe I am not who I believe I am. Perhaps I am stronger and better, but it is hidden deep down by mistrust of the Power's love for me.
Each day I grow closer and closer to believing in a God of MY understanding. A God that is too big for me to define. As I continue on this journey, as I talk more regularly to this Power greater than myself, I believe I will gain back that strong faith I once had before I allowed humans with good intentions tell me who this God is. We are all a family in this universe and as my husband puts so well; This Power greater than all of us, is gentle enough to give each of us an understanding we can turn and trust in God. We will all have our different beliefs and that is OK. It is OK to believe differently, but it is also important that we do not force our personal faiths on others. That we do not judge our fellow brother and sisters in this Power of life. That is playing God. Our purpose while here on this planet, is to help, love and give hope to one another, at least that is what I believe.
So, I will leave it at that. I have an understanding of who God is in my life today, and I believe it will always be changing, and yet staying the same. I love being on the spiritual journey.
Well, they were right. One day my husband at the time told me he wanted a divorce. He only married me because that was what he should do at his age; get married. I remember a fog slowly form around me. I was safe in this fog. I did not have to feel. I didn't have to talk to anyone. And I certainly didn't want to talk to God. Once again I was made to feel like a fool by my faith in a God I thought I believed in. Then it struck me, I was believing in the church's concept of God. A God of judgement, testing those who he loved; testing our love and loyalty. What kind of God would create us kmnwing one day we would destroy the beautiful life on this planet? No, the more I heard at church, the less I believed in a God of THEIR understanding. I knew it was time to find a God of MY understanding. I needed the God I had in early sobriety. The God I did not need to understand or know; just had to believe he was there and heard everything I said. And every so often this God would show Itself through a "coincident". I once heard, Coincident's are God's way of staying anonymous. Now, once again I believe in a Power Greater than Myself. One that I do not need to understand or put in a box. A God of all Life and creation. We are all part of this Universe, connected through this Higher Being.
If you really think about it; it is pretty arrogant to believe we could understand a God who is powerful enough to Create such a Universe. Where everything is made perfect. But we humans have become our own god. Creating and manufacturing machines and pesticides for things creation was doing all by itself. Did you know that bats eat insects? Yes, they come out at night and the pesty insects we hate. But I guess they don't it well enough to suit us so we created pesticides. A chemical that not only kills insects, but is toxic to us as well. Is this not crazy? If you believe God is the creator of all that exists, why do you litter? Why do you seek to destroy His creation? No, sorry, don't buy it.
The God of my understanding doesn't expect or need anything from me. However I need all from God. Strength for when life is difficult, Courage for when I am afraid or have lost someone important, or a job; I need my God for inner peace when I am in turmoil and my emotions are all over the place. The God of my understanding has no beginning or end and all of us, all that has life in it, are apart of the Higher Being because we are apart of the Universe. We were born into a world filled with greed, envy, anger, murder. But we don't have to let these things consume our every waking moment. At least that is what I have to keep telling myself. You see, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, my life is filled with worry and fear. And that is why every day I start with a simple prayer I learned about serenity, courage and wisdom. I have to accept I am powerless over people and what they do or how they choose to live; not to mention what they think about me. When I can accept I am powerless over others and situations, that trying to control what happens, my life becomes unmanageable. I am working on "Letting Go, and Letting God." It is not easy for me to trust in Power I believe in, yet don't necessarily believe it cares about someone as insignificant as me. Trust, it is a big word for but I am watching my life unfold in a different way and watching out for small miracles and "coincidences". For those times where I am afraid, and suddenly I walk through the fear believing this Power is with me giving me courage. And after I have walked through the fear, (or drove through it in a winter storm), it fills me with more faith and a sense that maybe, just maybe I am not who I believe I am. Perhaps I am stronger and better, but it is hidden deep down by mistrust of the Power's love for me.
Each day I grow closer and closer to believing in a God of MY understanding. A God that is too big for me to define. As I continue on this journey, as I talk more regularly to this Power greater than myself, I believe I will gain back that strong faith I once had before I allowed humans with good intentions tell me who this God is. We are all a family in this universe and as my husband puts so well; This Power greater than all of us, is gentle enough to give each of us an understanding we can turn and trust in God. We will all have our different beliefs and that is OK. It is OK to believe differently, but it is also important that we do not force our personal faiths on others. That we do not judge our fellow brother and sisters in this Power of life. That is playing God. Our purpose while here on this planet, is to help, love and give hope to one another, at least that is what I believe.
So, I will leave it at that. I have an understanding of who God is in my life today, and I believe it will always be changing, and yet staying the same. I love being on the spiritual journey.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
"How A Kindle Fire almost ruined a beautiful Day."
It is official. Men DO get grumpier as they get older. This morning I have proof. There have been other times when I could have proven it; however I had simply let it go. Not without a fight mind you. So let me share my beautiful Saturday morning's start.
My husband is the most stubborn man on this planet. No, reader, you cannot say your husband is; I've taken dibs on this one ladies.
It has gotten way out of hand and I am not sure how I am going to continue putting up with it. Think about it. What man in his right mind would pick a fight or get stubborn with a menopausal wife? Is that not insane or what? Yet, this very morning my husband has decided he would. All because once again I knew what was good for him and how happy he would be with a Kindle Fire. Why couldn't he have just accepted the gift? Why did he have to get upset when I continued to badger him about it? Hasn't this man learned in the past 20 years that I know what will make him happy? Gosh, sometimes his stubbornness drives me absolutely crazy! His mood changes are so fast the make my head spin. One moment we are laughing and having a good time and the next, he is snapping my head off. Again, because he was not going to try something I know he would enjoy; a Kindle Fire. So we will argue; I will stomp off into my room and not speak to him. My way of "showing him,"
He, on the other hand, will simply go on as if nothing has happened, the argument is over so no need holding on to the anger, is what he is no doubt thinking. oblivious to the fact that I am in my room ignoring him. I will show him what stubbornness is! I will simply camp out in my room and let him have the whole house, including the television if he pleases. I don't need it. And I will also show this grumpy old man just how well off I can be without any help from him. And when did he turn into this old man? Why does he act old when he is only in his early 60's! I refuse to be married to an old grump. An old anything for that matter. Then it means I am old. Or older I want to say. Anyway, if he doesn't want to listen to me when I am right than so be it. He will just go without a damn Kindle Fire! Or anything else I tell him to get or do that will make him happier. This man always says he "doesn't need it," I keep trying to tell him that is not the point ! Not everything is about need. Sometimes having something is just about having fun, having something to make you feel good. Like me spending money we don't really have, getting my nails done. They look pretty and make me feel good. Isn't that the purpose in life? He just doesn't want to be happy I think. He pretends to be content and satisfied with what he has but I know better. And the sooner he realizes that I do in fact know what will make him happy and satisfied with his life the better it will be for the both of us!
Uggh! If these hot flashes don't go away soon I am going to put us both out of our miseries! He doesn't have to put up with them; nor with having to go without dentures for over a week because of stitches I had to get. Yet, he is the one who got upset because I kept pushing him to take my kindle, and I would get a new one. He wouldn't have to put out the money he doesn't want to 'waste, because he doesn't need it." OK, he did say he would think about it; but really, what is there to think about? If I say this will be good for you, it will be convenient and fun for you to have, why the heck would you argue and get mad and act like a grumpy, stubborn man and decide that now you just won't get one? That is being crazy and unreasonable. Of course as usual, he will make this argument about me. It will have been caused by my constant pushing him to do something he "wanted to think about" instead of accepting he was wrong by not listening to me and acknowledging I am right. So now I will just have to show him.
First, I will start picking up my own prescriptions and things I need at the store. My car will be filled with gas by me; not him and I will no longer allow him to cook my suppers; I will do that myself. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are just fine for me. Another way I will show him is by cleaning up the kitchen so he doesn't have get thanked for doing it. I certainly don't get thanked. And I will clean up after the animals myself, he won't be needed for that either. Yep, I am going to show this husband of mine that I am very capable of living life by myself. He won't have to do a thing. That ought to wake him up.
OK, I admit I could have stopped insisting upon him getting a Kindle Fire when he said, "Let me think about it." I just didn't see what there was to think about. So you get the picture. I had started an unnecessary argument with my husband this morning. There was a difference this time. I ended it before it got too serious. Before it became a fight that ruined the whole day. When he reacted in anger and said, "forget it, I am not getting one." I just waved my hand in the air and said, "Not listening, you are not going to start another weekend with a fight." and here I am, sitting on my bed journaling.
And as usual, writing it out helps me to see the humor in the situation. How silly I can be, or immature if I am to be honest with myself, over the littlest things. Why was it so important for me, that he have a kindle? Yes, they are wonderful and handy. I love having one. So of course I think he would love one as well. Once again I am trying to control what he must do to be happy. But it is not my responsibility to make him happy as it is not his to make me happy. So I am going to stop here and take my dog for a walk. No more pouting; now it is time to be pro active. This is not to say I am not still angry about his stubbornness and grouchiness. I am. It just means I am not going to allow anger to stay burning within and ruin a perfectly beautiful warm day. I will go have breakfast on the deck and take my dog and I for a walk around
Reader you are not going to believe how God turned this whole day around! Well first this God I do not understand but still believe in, filled me with the thought to go for that walk I planned on . On this walk I happened to look into someone's yard and what I was blessed with was to see two deer with a doe between them eating in the yard! It was beautiful. I love to see the Creator's work up and close. He knows how close I feel to this Him/ when outside seeing nature in its natural . I feel uplifted and hopeful whenever I am around trees and animals. I can sense the Universe's Power all around me. I couldn't stop smiling. I could sense my Higher Power smiling and saying, "Cathie, just think, had I not pushed you to walk, you would have missed this creation of mine." I smiled the rest of the way home.
All my anger was gone by the time I got back. My husband was now the one in his room. My first reaction was, oh great, he is reverting back to when he was a kid and would escape into a book rather than fight it out. But then the spirit within gave me a different thought, perhaps he was giving me some space, some time alone to do what I needed to do.
The day was fantastic. I met a very special woman who is the mother I never had, and we went to lunch and movie. I love her so much and have promised to care for her when the time came for her to need it. And I intend to keep this promise. God will need to figure out the details. I will just follow that gentle voice within. We shared serious things at lunch and funny things. I have no doubt at all in my heart that this woman and her husband really love me. That I am special to them and a part of them. That is not easy for me to accept from others, trust, but it is coming along. I want to be able to say one day, "God, I trust that I am a part of you and that you love me."
So back to this morning. Yes, it started out rough, and yes, as the day wore on, I realized that by trying to "show him," my husband. I was really hurting lf. Do I want to have to start cooking for myself, filling up my car, running after work to pick up prescriptions or something we need? No, and I do not want to take away from my spouse, that feeling of pride and joy he gets because he is doing something for his wife. This is important to him. I am not saying I don't feel relieved I do not have to worry about these things, of course it is nice to have someone to do them for me, I'm not a fool. But I also want to work on not taking him for granted. Or controlling what he does or doesn't do. Like or doesn't like.
When I returned home later in the day all was well. He had let it go, actually he let it go right after it happened. It was me hanging onto it. The need to be right. So worried he wouldn't get a darn Kindle Fire. It is going to take more than a few months to grow through feeling responsible for his happiness or lack of. But the evening was fun and we watched a comedy together and shared things, fun things.
Isn't it silly how big fights and arguments come from that small need inside to control a situation, or feel responsible for other people's happiness? I have a husband who frustrates me to no end a lot of the time; but then I can see clearly now, that he too can find me frustrating and controlling at times.
I guess we will both just keep on learning new ways to deal with things that come up. For me that will take letting go of the belief I know what is best for him and then trying to force it down his throat. Do I really want to choke the guy? Of course not.
Today was a successful day. A wonderful, fun day. These are the days I see God the most. I even saw a coyote as well today. Another reminder that I am not in charge. And all this knowledge and understanding came from a Kindle! Really, is it that important he want one? Is it worth ruining a whole day over? I think not. Just chalk it up to a new lesson about my relationships and need to make everyone happy and actually end up making them frustrated or angry.
My husband is the most stubborn man on this planet. No, reader, you cannot say your husband is; I've taken dibs on this one ladies.
It has gotten way out of hand and I am not sure how I am going to continue putting up with it. Think about it. What man in his right mind would pick a fight or get stubborn with a menopausal wife? Is that not insane or what? Yet, this very morning my husband has decided he would. All because once again I knew what was good for him and how happy he would be with a Kindle Fire. Why couldn't he have just accepted the gift? Why did he have to get upset when I continued to badger him about it? Hasn't this man learned in the past 20 years that I know what will make him happy? Gosh, sometimes his stubbornness drives me absolutely crazy! His mood changes are so fast the make my head spin. One moment we are laughing and having a good time and the next, he is snapping my head off. Again, because he was not going to try something I know he would enjoy; a Kindle Fire. So we will argue; I will stomp off into my room and not speak to him. My way of "showing him,"
He, on the other hand, will simply go on as if nothing has happened, the argument is over so no need holding on to the anger, is what he is no doubt thinking. oblivious to the fact that I am in my room ignoring him. I will show him what stubbornness is! I will simply camp out in my room and let him have the whole house, including the television if he pleases. I don't need it. And I will also show this grumpy old man just how well off I can be without any help from him. And when did he turn into this old man? Why does he act old when he is only in his early 60's! I refuse to be married to an old grump. An old anything for that matter. Then it means I am old. Or older I want to say. Anyway, if he doesn't want to listen to me when I am right than so be it. He will just go without a damn Kindle Fire! Or anything else I tell him to get or do that will make him happier. This man always says he "doesn't need it," I keep trying to tell him that is not the point ! Not everything is about need. Sometimes having something is just about having fun, having something to make you feel good. Like me spending money we don't really have, getting my nails done. They look pretty and make me feel good. Isn't that the purpose in life? He just doesn't want to be happy I think. He pretends to be content and satisfied with what he has but I know better. And the sooner he realizes that I do in fact know what will make him happy and satisfied with his life the better it will be for the both of us!
Uggh! If these hot flashes don't go away soon I am going to put us both out of our miseries! He doesn't have to put up with them; nor with having to go without dentures for over a week because of stitches I had to get. Yet, he is the one who got upset because I kept pushing him to take my kindle, and I would get a new one. He wouldn't have to put out the money he doesn't want to 'waste, because he doesn't need it." OK, he did say he would think about it; but really, what is there to think about? If I say this will be good for you, it will be convenient and fun for you to have, why the heck would you argue and get mad and act like a grumpy, stubborn man and decide that now you just won't get one? That is being crazy and unreasonable. Of course as usual, he will make this argument about me. It will have been caused by my constant pushing him to do something he "wanted to think about" instead of accepting he was wrong by not listening to me and acknowledging I am right. So now I will just have to show him.
First, I will start picking up my own prescriptions and things I need at the store. My car will be filled with gas by me; not him and I will no longer allow him to cook my suppers; I will do that myself. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are just fine for me. Another way I will show him is by cleaning up the kitchen so he doesn't have get thanked for doing it. I certainly don't get thanked. And I will clean up after the animals myself, he won't be needed for that either. Yep, I am going to show this husband of mine that I am very capable of living life by myself. He won't have to do a thing. That ought to wake him up.
OK, I admit I could have stopped insisting upon him getting a Kindle Fire when he said, "Let me think about it." I just didn't see what there was to think about. So you get the picture. I had started an unnecessary argument with my husband this morning. There was a difference this time. I ended it before it got too serious. Before it became a fight that ruined the whole day. When he reacted in anger and said, "forget it, I am not getting one." I just waved my hand in the air and said, "Not listening, you are not going to start another weekend with a fight." and here I am, sitting on my bed journaling.
And as usual, writing it out helps me to see the humor in the situation. How silly I can be, or immature if I am to be honest with myself, over the littlest things. Why was it so important for me, that he have a kindle? Yes, they are wonderful and handy. I love having one. So of course I think he would love one as well. Once again I am trying to control what he must do to be happy. But it is not my responsibility to make him happy as it is not his to make me happy. So I am going to stop here and take my dog for a walk. No more pouting; now it is time to be pro active. This is not to say I am not still angry about his stubbornness and grouchiness. I am. It just means I am not going to allow anger to stay burning within and ruin a perfectly beautiful warm day. I will go have breakfast on the deck and take my dog and I for a walk around
Reader you are not going to believe how God turned this whole day around! Well first this God I do not understand but still believe in, filled me with the thought to go for that walk I planned on . On this walk I happened to look into someone's yard and what I was blessed with was to see two deer with a doe between them eating in the yard! It was beautiful. I love to see the Creator's work up and close. He knows how close I feel to this Him/ when outside seeing nature in its natural . I feel uplifted and hopeful whenever I am around trees and animals. I can sense the Universe's Power all around me. I couldn't stop smiling. I could sense my Higher Power smiling and saying, "Cathie, just think, had I not pushed you to walk, you would have missed this creation of mine." I smiled the rest of the way home.
All my anger was gone by the time I got back. My husband was now the one in his room. My first reaction was, oh great, he is reverting back to when he was a kid and would escape into a book rather than fight it out. But then the spirit within gave me a different thought, perhaps he was giving me some space, some time alone to do what I needed to do.
The day was fantastic. I met a very special woman who is the mother I never had, and we went to lunch and movie. I love her so much and have promised to care for her when the time came for her to need it. And I intend to keep this promise. God will need to figure out the details. I will just follow that gentle voice within. We shared serious things at lunch and funny things. I have no doubt at all in my heart that this woman and her husband really love me. That I am special to them and a part of them. That is not easy for me to accept from others, trust, but it is coming along. I want to be able to say one day, "God, I trust that I am a part of you and that you love me."
So back to this morning. Yes, it started out rough, and yes, as the day wore on, I realized that by trying to "show him," my husband. I was really hurting lf. Do I want to have to start cooking for myself, filling up my car, running after work to pick up prescriptions or something we need? No, and I do not want to take away from my spouse, that feeling of pride and joy he gets because he is doing something for his wife. This is important to him. I am not saying I don't feel relieved I do not have to worry about these things, of course it is nice to have someone to do them for me, I'm not a fool. But I also want to work on not taking him for granted. Or controlling what he does or doesn't do. Like or doesn't like.
When I returned home later in the day all was well. He had let it go, actually he let it go right after it happened. It was me hanging onto it. The need to be right. So worried he wouldn't get a darn Kindle Fire. It is going to take more than a few months to grow through feeling responsible for his happiness or lack of. But the evening was fun and we watched a comedy together and shared things, fun things.
Isn't it silly how big fights and arguments come from that small need inside to control a situation, or feel responsible for other people's happiness? I have a husband who frustrates me to no end a lot of the time; but then I can see clearly now, that he too can find me frustrating and controlling at times.
I guess we will both just keep on learning new ways to deal with things that come up. For me that will take letting go of the belief I know what is best for him and then trying to force it down his throat. Do I really want to choke the guy? Of course not.
Today was a successful day. A wonderful, fun day. These are the days I see God the most. I even saw a coyote as well today. Another reminder that I am not in charge. And all this knowledge and understanding came from a Kindle! Really, is it that important he want one? Is it worth ruining a whole day over? I think not. Just chalk it up to a new lesson about my relationships and need to make everyone happy and actually end up making them frustrated or angry.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
We are destroying what brings beauty and life to our World
When you read the title, I am sure many of you thought, "she is going to talk about the Bible." Well, you are wrong. I am actually talking about our language. Our words we use around the world. I just out of the blue decided to take a walk at lunch instead of getting on Facebook or reading the latest on The Duggers. Writing that out-loud shows me just how wasteful my thirty minutes has been for some time.
I happened to look up at the sky, and today the blue was so striking. I hadn't seen it look that blue in a very long time. Perhaps because I haven't looked up lately? I wondered at that moment, "where did the word blue come from? Who decided which color was which? And who decides what a word means anyway? This probably sounds pretty silly when you just read it real quick. But really, think about it. Where did these definitions come from and how was it determined that, this color would be called blue, and the sky will be blue; this color will be green, and the grass and leaves will be green, not blue or pink, but green; at least until fall; then they will be red, orange and yellow. Who decided a tree bark would be brown? I was just taken by surprise at how strong these questions came to me. Where did it all start? And by who or what? Every country has its own language and yet are interpreted in a way that a tree is a tree no matter where, it is just called by a different name in a different language or meaning to describe the same thing.
Another thought that came to me was that words take on a new meaning as generations come and go. I will use offensive words or meanings in this paragraph, but please remember it is only to explain what I mean, and not to offend anyone at all. So, the word "gay" generations ago meant happy, joyful, glad. For our generation it is a word to describe two people of the same sex as partners. Another word is Find words where their meanings have changed in each generation.
Colors are in nature and are natural. They are "born" purple, red, orange, pink, yellow etc. They are beautiful on their own. Not one of these natural colors does man have to "improve" upon. The Universe created life form perfectly and with colors that needed no enhancement. At least until we decided it wasn't colorful enough. Everything in nature, every living thing from plants to animals to earth worms and yes bats, to human beings were all made in such a way that it all kept the ecosystem level. Now we have managed to tear it all apart to make room for population growth. And to fill the need for more humans, we are destroying the very things we need to exist. And we are destroying and ridding our planet of the beauty of color as well as the beauty we get when we see an animal in its natural habitat. Or even when we see one where you might not expect. All I know is, when I see the mother deer and her babies each year, I am filled with a joy and love I cannot explain. And it concerns me that we are taking away these animals food source. We are destroying our beautiful land for shopping malls, parking lots, stores. And years later, we no longer use such businesses and they stand empty for a few more years. Such waste to good land.
Humans have a need for loud noise, be it radio, or t.v. anything to distract us from hearing our own thoughts. What are people afraid to think about? Why is it so difficult to be still and quiet. To enjoy the sounds of nature. We have replaced the sound of birds, crickets, children laughing with loud music,and other un-natural sounds. Nature is no longer seen as part of God's creation, (use your own concept of God when I use the term). It is no longer something wonderful to see. It is just something in the way of progress. When I see a mountain side being ripped apart with bulldozers to make room for more housing, I want to scream. It is as if it were taking a part of me. I can't explain it. But it tears me up inside. My thoughts automatically go to the animals that have now lost their home or food source. We are replacing natures way of keeping the ecosystem doing its job. Did you know it is animal dung that fertilized the ground for grass to grow? Without grass, there is no food source for the animals. We have pesticides to kill insects, when nature created bats to do that job. Again, we are killing off a species with harmful chemicals, instead of allowing nature to do its job harmlessly. But, it is more important for corporations to keep their money to buy their "toys", fancy homes and other material wealth. It doesn't matter to them that they are destroying the very things we need to keep our species alive for many years to come. We have become the "God" of the earth. We build and invent ways and objects to do the job nature has been doing since the beginning; and in a way that is not harmful to man or other species.
All these thoughts came from one simple question of where did the "word" or language begin and who determined what a tree was, the sky, earth. Who called these things by the name we accepted? Was it through generations as language began to form? Look how much language has changed over the centuries. How words not used years ago suddenly appear from the next generation. Shit, Fuck, Ass hole; words created by a newer generation and given a negative meaning, making them "bad words". Who determined they were bad? Again, who or how did these words form? Why not freak-en? Or oh shoot? Why were these not "bad" words? They were used to express negative feelings or opinions as the words earlier were. Again, who determines whether a word is good or a word is bad? It was just something I began to ponder on as I continued my walk and observed what little nature was left in this area. I was grateful I had a park to walk around that still had the big trees and I could hear the birds enjoying them. I could see people enjoying their shade from the big trees.
The more I thought about nature and its perfection the more I though about who God may be. How powerful to be able to create such magnificence. How loving in order to create such tender animals like birds, rabbits, butterflies etc. How creative and gentle this God must be to add beauty in the flowers and landscapes. And how loving to create each part of the ecosystem in such a way that all life form from plants to humans needs were met, and how all of life depends on this ecosystem to survive life. And now we humans, supposedly believed by some as the important ones, who made in the image of God himself or itself, are destroying the very perfection their God created without a thought to how they are destroying the beauty and food sources for natures animals. All in the name of progress.
Who needs God anyway. Aren't we intelligent enough without his aid? Look at what we have been able to accomplish? We have come so far that we don't even need him or see him. As a matter of fact we have come so far that we don't even believe in God, we don't need to; we have shown what is beyond the sky; an open universe filled with other planets. And now we can send automation out into the universe and see for ourselves there is no heaven, just open space, a universe. But who or what created this universe? How did it come to be that each planet is exactly where it needs to be to keep the earth from rotating out of control. How did gravity happen in such a way that it is able to keep the planets where they need to be? To keep us from floating off into outer space. The more questions I ask myself the more I am convinced I may be wrong about this God thing. God has many different names, depending on where you are living, what your culture is, and how you are taught to believe. Each God has different rules to obey. And each God is defended by war and judgement of others who believe differently. But what each God has in common is that he or it, is the one who created life forms perfectly. And again, how did that come to be? Who decided and how did they decide who God was? If there is one God, and only one God, why so many different meanings of who he/she is? If God is all powerful, all knowing , why are we trying to change what He designed? Why do we believe we can make it better? Look at all the damage and harm to the earth and ourselves with our man made creations, inventions. Again, I found myself obsessed in where did it all begin? When did man begin to speak and make a word's meaning.
All I know is, in a short walk on a gorgeous fall day, I saw and felt the presence of a God of the Universe, of creation, for the first time in a very long time. I allowed doubts and disbelief over shadow the beauty of God and his creation. I allowed worldly turmoil and chaos over shadow faith and trust, belief. I tried to prove and create God, instead of just looking past all the human made objects that have over shadowed nature take away the last of any faith I once had. I have allowed questions and lack of faith replace childlike faith. Just believing from shear innocence. I tried to accept church doctrine and teachings and traditions, but all that did was turn my eyes from the creation around me, and slowly from the Creator of this wonderful, natural perfect world. I allowed people's criticism become my criticism. Does all this mean I suddenly believe the bible is the only true word of God? The only word of God? Absolutely not. I believe it was interpreted by human beings and used to control people once upon a time. It is time to step away from church doctrine and get back to where God resides; in his creation. Instead, we are slowly destroying our wonderful earth and all that depends on it to continue life forms.
God, again your belief of who or what God is to you, created life, all life forms. It is time for us get back to that love and respect for his creation. But perhaps I am naive in believing we can undo the damage we have done to what was made perfect. Oh my goodness; am I beginning to believe once again in God? I never stopped. I have always believed in a God of creation. Just not in the teachings of God. Once again, who had the rights to decide what the scrolls found really meant? It comes down to my original question; how did words and their meanings come to be?
By the end of my short walk I remembered the feeling of being a part of the universe, God I once had and his creation. I felt his presence within me and found myself smiling and feeling I was not alone. I am a part of the God and all his creation. We are all a part of him; all living things are a part of the spirit that brings life. Remembering all thee things brought me back to the sense of God's presence in my life and all who come into my life. I don't have to like all he created; but I do need to respect it because we are all connected to the one spiritual, powerful being that brought life upon this earth.
Well, I better stop before I get into a lecture. But I hope this short piece will open the minds of others. I hope it will awaken a new strong desire to protect and nurture all life form once again. To stop all the meaningless destruction we are bringing to the very earth and its inhabitants that bring true life and inner peace to ourselves. I know I will be trying harder to do my part, even if it appears to be little and perhaps useless in the big scheme of things. But, it will also bring me closer to the Creator; I will once again feel a part of him and that means important to him.
I happened to look up at the sky, and today the blue was so striking. I hadn't seen it look that blue in a very long time. Perhaps because I haven't looked up lately? I wondered at that moment, "where did the word blue come from? Who decided which color was which? And who decides what a word means anyway? This probably sounds pretty silly when you just read it real quick. But really, think about it. Where did these definitions come from and how was it determined that, this color would be called blue, and the sky will be blue; this color will be green, and the grass and leaves will be green, not blue or pink, but green; at least until fall; then they will be red, orange and yellow. Who decided a tree bark would be brown? I was just taken by surprise at how strong these questions came to me. Where did it all start? And by who or what? Every country has its own language and yet are interpreted in a way that a tree is a tree no matter where, it is just called by a different name in a different language or meaning to describe the same thing.
Another thought that came to me was that words take on a new meaning as generations come and go. I will use offensive words or meanings in this paragraph, but please remember it is only to explain what I mean, and not to offend anyone at all. So, the word "gay" generations ago meant happy, joyful, glad. For our generation it is a word to describe two people of the same sex as partners. Another word is Find words where their meanings have changed in each generation.
Colors are in nature and are natural. They are "born" purple, red, orange, pink, yellow etc. They are beautiful on their own. Not one of these natural colors does man have to "improve" upon. The Universe created life form perfectly and with colors that needed no enhancement. At least until we decided it wasn't colorful enough. Everything in nature, every living thing from plants to animals to earth worms and yes bats, to human beings were all made in such a way that it all kept the ecosystem level. Now we have managed to tear it all apart to make room for population growth. And to fill the need for more humans, we are destroying the very things we need to exist. And we are destroying and ridding our planet of the beauty of color as well as the beauty we get when we see an animal in its natural habitat. Or even when we see one where you might not expect. All I know is, when I see the mother deer and her babies each year, I am filled with a joy and love I cannot explain. And it concerns me that we are taking away these animals food source. We are destroying our beautiful land for shopping malls, parking lots, stores. And years later, we no longer use such businesses and they stand empty for a few more years. Such waste to good land.
Humans have a need for loud noise, be it radio, or t.v. anything to distract us from hearing our own thoughts. What are people afraid to think about? Why is it so difficult to be still and quiet. To enjoy the sounds of nature. We have replaced the sound of birds, crickets, children laughing with loud music,and other un-natural sounds. Nature is no longer seen as part of God's creation, (use your own concept of God when I use the term). It is no longer something wonderful to see. It is just something in the way of progress. When I see a mountain side being ripped apart with bulldozers to make room for more housing, I want to scream. It is as if it were taking a part of me. I can't explain it. But it tears me up inside. My thoughts automatically go to the animals that have now lost their home or food source. We are replacing natures way of keeping the ecosystem doing its job. Did you know it is animal dung that fertilized the ground for grass to grow? Without grass, there is no food source for the animals. We have pesticides to kill insects, when nature created bats to do that job. Again, we are killing off a species with harmful chemicals, instead of allowing nature to do its job harmlessly. But, it is more important for corporations to keep their money to buy their "toys", fancy homes and other material wealth. It doesn't matter to them that they are destroying the very things we need to keep our species alive for many years to come. We have become the "God" of the earth. We build and invent ways and objects to do the job nature has been doing since the beginning; and in a way that is not harmful to man or other species.
All these thoughts came from one simple question of where did the "word" or language begin and who determined what a tree was, the sky, earth. Who called these things by the name we accepted? Was it through generations as language began to form? Look how much language has changed over the centuries. How words not used years ago suddenly appear from the next generation. Shit, Fuck, Ass hole; words created by a newer generation and given a negative meaning, making them "bad words". Who determined they were bad? Again, who or how did these words form? Why not freak-en? Or oh shoot? Why were these not "bad" words? They were used to express negative feelings or opinions as the words earlier were. Again, who determines whether a word is good or a word is bad? It was just something I began to ponder on as I continued my walk and observed what little nature was left in this area. I was grateful I had a park to walk around that still had the big trees and I could hear the birds enjoying them. I could see people enjoying their shade from the big trees.
The more I thought about nature and its perfection the more I though about who God may be. How powerful to be able to create such magnificence. How loving in order to create such tender animals like birds, rabbits, butterflies etc. How creative and gentle this God must be to add beauty in the flowers and landscapes. And how loving to create each part of the ecosystem in such a way that all life form from plants to humans needs were met, and how all of life depends on this ecosystem to survive life. And now we humans, supposedly believed by some as the important ones, who made in the image of God himself or itself, are destroying the very perfection their God created without a thought to how they are destroying the beauty and food sources for natures animals. All in the name of progress.
Who needs God anyway. Aren't we intelligent enough without his aid? Look at what we have been able to accomplish? We have come so far that we don't even need him or see him. As a matter of fact we have come so far that we don't even believe in God, we don't need to; we have shown what is beyond the sky; an open universe filled with other planets. And now we can send automation out into the universe and see for ourselves there is no heaven, just open space, a universe. But who or what created this universe? How did it come to be that each planet is exactly where it needs to be to keep the earth from rotating out of control. How did gravity happen in such a way that it is able to keep the planets where they need to be? To keep us from floating off into outer space. The more questions I ask myself the more I am convinced I may be wrong about this God thing. God has many different names, depending on where you are living, what your culture is, and how you are taught to believe. Each God has different rules to obey. And each God is defended by war and judgement of others who believe differently. But what each God has in common is that he or it, is the one who created life forms perfectly. And again, how did that come to be? Who decided and how did they decide who God was? If there is one God, and only one God, why so many different meanings of who he/she is? If God is all powerful, all knowing , why are we trying to change what He designed? Why do we believe we can make it better? Look at all the damage and harm to the earth and ourselves with our man made creations, inventions. Again, I found myself obsessed in where did it all begin? When did man begin to speak and make a word's meaning.
All I know is, in a short walk on a gorgeous fall day, I saw and felt the presence of a God of the Universe, of creation, for the first time in a very long time. I allowed doubts and disbelief over shadow the beauty of God and his creation. I allowed worldly turmoil and chaos over shadow faith and trust, belief. I tried to prove and create God, instead of just looking past all the human made objects that have over shadowed nature take away the last of any faith I once had. I have allowed questions and lack of faith replace childlike faith. Just believing from shear innocence. I tried to accept church doctrine and teachings and traditions, but all that did was turn my eyes from the creation around me, and slowly from the Creator of this wonderful, natural perfect world. I allowed people's criticism become my criticism. Does all this mean I suddenly believe the bible is the only true word of God? The only word of God? Absolutely not. I believe it was interpreted by human beings and used to control people once upon a time. It is time to step away from church doctrine and get back to where God resides; in his creation. Instead, we are slowly destroying our wonderful earth and all that depends on it to continue life forms.
God, again your belief of who or what God is to you, created life, all life forms. It is time for us get back to that love and respect for his creation. But perhaps I am naive in believing we can undo the damage we have done to what was made perfect. Oh my goodness; am I beginning to believe once again in God? I never stopped. I have always believed in a God of creation. Just not in the teachings of God. Once again, who had the rights to decide what the scrolls found really meant? It comes down to my original question; how did words and their meanings come to be?
By the end of my short walk I remembered the feeling of being a part of the universe, God I once had and his creation. I felt his presence within me and found myself smiling and feeling I was not alone. I am a part of the God and all his creation. We are all a part of him; all living things are a part of the spirit that brings life. Remembering all thee things brought me back to the sense of God's presence in my life and all who come into my life. I don't have to like all he created; but I do need to respect it because we are all connected to the one spiritual, powerful being that brought life upon this earth.
Well, I better stop before I get into a lecture. But I hope this short piece will open the minds of others. I hope it will awaken a new strong desire to protect and nurture all life form once again. To stop all the meaningless destruction we are bringing to the very earth and its inhabitants that bring true life and inner peace to ourselves. I know I will be trying harder to do my part, even if it appears to be little and perhaps useless in the big scheme of things. But, it will also bring me closer to the Creator; I will once again feel a part of him and that means important to him.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
A new family built from Friendships
I can't believe it. I just lost two hours of writing about my visit back home and how things are not always how we wished or believed them to be. I hit a button some how and lost the whole thing. Now I must start rewriting the whole thing again. I know it will be different and I want to cry. It was good and it was honest. I can only hope my God will bring back the words she gave me in the first piece I wrote.
I had planned and bought my tickets to fly back east to stay with one of my sisters we will call Elle. During those eight months Elle and I texted back and forth almost daily. We were building that relationship I saw in healthy families. We were joking, laughing and sometimes sharing serious things with each other. As the trip got closer, we began talking about all the fun we were going to have. Eating jello and watching our favorite shows. Playing Yahtzee til late into the night. It was going to be so much fun. And with all the work I had been doing the past year, I just knew she and my other sisters were going to love the new me. They were going to be so happy spending time with me and forming a close, loving relationship with one another. I couldn't wait for my nieces to meet me, and I them.
As the trip got within a couple of months, I began to sense trouble in the horizon. My baby sister, (we will call Sheila), were also making plans of our own. There was no reason for Elle to take time off from her new job during my seven day visit. I could spend a couple of them with Sheila. It was exciting. We were planning how we would have time to share and get to know each other do some bonding. When I told Elle our plans of having a couple days together, so she need not worry about taking every day off, she became different. Instead of being relieved to save vacation time, and giving me and Sheila some time together (like a normal family would), she wanted to know why she wasn't included. And was dinner and game night at Sheila's just for me, or was she invited. I saw for the first time since my planned trip, that Elle was just as jealous and controlling as I remembered her to be. I simply told her of course she was invited. And we were just trying to save her some vac. time at her new job. Already I was being sucked into the old "roles" of my dysfunctional family. And it was about to get worse. A few weeks before I was to leave I began to feel uncomfortable and nervous. Through all the texting I was beginning to see that there would be no "Cathie and Sheila time." Elle had gone ahead and taken every day I would be there off from her job. Her way of controlling and manipulating my plans and the trip. She was running the show. There would be no bonding time between me and Sheila, or any family member for that matter except with Elle.
I continued to tell myself it would be alright. Hadn't I changed? Didn't I have some "tools" to use on my visit? I knew not to react to things; to be loving and kind and accepting of my sisters. Letting them be who they were. More important, I knew I could not and should not try to change their lives. Only go to visit. But deep down I was still excited to show them their new better version of Cathie, their big sister. I couldn't wait for Sheila to see her big sister and learn she could trust and turn to me if she ever needed a big sister.
The first two days were fantastic. Elle and I went shopping, out to lunch, just had fun talking and laughing. I was able to spend evenings with our niece who was living with Elle, and getting to see the young lady she had grown into. She had just graduated high school. Sheila came over in the evening after work to visit. She cooked us a meal and now as I look back, there was little time for her to come sit and visit. Again Elle had managed to manipulate it in a way that looked like Sheila chose to cook. And perhaps she did. I only remember not being able to visit with her alone during my entire trip . Elle was always there. I also watched as Elle controlled those around her. She was happy and loving when everyone was living by her script; (remember, I forgot to mail mine ahead). But I also witnessed on several occasions a lot of anger. The one constant during my whole trip was the yelling and constant loud noise. Loud t.v.; the radio going every morning, dogs barking loud and continuously every morning. It was just constant loud noise. Not at all what my fantasy trip looked like. And it was about to get a whole lot worse.
On the third day, another one of my sisters, we will call Betsy, came into the picture. It was Saturday. My grand-nephews 2nd birthday party. I knew no one there and Elle was off busy helping our older niece with the party. Thank goodness for Tina, my niece living with Elle. She kept me company until Betsy showed up. It was not the entrance I expected. When Betsy came into the yard that day I was beyond shock. I could not accept mentally, what I was seeing. As she got closer I saw a very frail, thin rail of a lady, with eyes hidden in dark sockets approaching me with a big smile. She had to use a cane. Was this really Betsy? I saw pictures, she wasn't sick like this. that I remember. I was told she was doing better! She gave me a big hug and sat down by me. She was in a good place mentally, not snowed under with medication (I thought) and we were having such a good time talking and taking selfies. Yes, I was having fun with another one of my sisters, my fantasy was becoming real. Suddenly, Betsy saw Elle sitting across from us alone. She said she better go talk to her before she got angry because she was getting jealous. I was heart broken. This wasn't suppose to happen. I was the one visiting, I didn't have every day with my sisters, Elle did. Why wasn't it OK to have time with each of my sisters without one of them being jealous and getting angry? We were adults now remember? So there I was again. Sitting alone at a party I knew no one. I was growing bored and my back was hurting from too much sitting and walking the last two days. I was ready to go home. I was ignored when asked if we were leaving soon. We had already been there all day; didn't she want to spend time with me, her sister she was so excited to spend time with? I was beginning to regret my decision to spend a full week there.
Finally it was time to go home. I wasn't sure how Elle was going to be when we got in the car. But she seemed OK. I was relieve she wasn't angry over my having fun with my sister. I was soon to learn how wrong I was. Later that night, I mentioned Betsy had said she wanted to ride to the airport with us. It was as if I had announced some terrible news! Elle snapped at me and wanted to know why. And why was Betsy and I hanging all over each other with selfies and never once talked to her! I was shocked and not sure how to respond. I was, after all, staying in her house and we had plenty of time talking, while my time with my other sisters was limited. Where was this anger coming from? I slowly got up and went into the kitchen. I mumbled something about being frustrated over not being able to spend time with my other sisters without causing trouble. I went to go up stairs when Elle got snobby and stated, "what, now your going to go upstairs and pout?" My new learning tools kicked in; I remained calm and simply reminded her that it was she who said, if I needed space, feel free to go upstairs. She calmed down for a bit. I then foolishly stated I did not think it was right that I could not have fun with my other sisters without causing trouble for her. Something to those words. Suddenly not only was she screaming at me about being made to be the bad guy, but then my brother in law came out of his den and began screaming in my face about not knowing what they had to deal with every day with my sisters drug problems. I tried to say that was true, and that is why I thought she was having one of her good days. I was not to explain my side. I could not talk over their screaming and the little frightened guilt ridden girl came soaring into my body. I was no longer the confident, grown up Cathie. Now I was the little girl being screamed at for something she unknowingly, innocently did. I ran up to my room and cried hysterically as I dialed a dear friend who had been there to help me grow and change over the past year and a half. I recall crying out to her, "I want to be an adult in this mess, I was hysterical and felt like I was going to throw up. She calmed me down and helped me to see what I needed to do step by step as I was too confused and emotional to know on my own. I called my husband to see if he could please get me tickets to come home the very next day. I tried to explain what had happened and how I just couldn't stay there and be stressed all week over who I could talk to and when. He talked to me and was so loving and he told me to calm down he would see what he could do. He would get me home. We hung up so he could look into it. Meanwhile my niece walked in and tried to console me and explain that this was Elle. She was very jealous and gets jealous. You just have to accept it and ignore it. In 5 minutes it would all be over and never brought up again. I told her that was not OK, what they did, was not OK nor acceptable. She begged me not leave. To just please give it another day. My phone rang, it was a lady I didn't know, that my friend had called. I told my niece I needed to take this call and would think about what she said. The kind lady on the other end of the phone was gentle and kind as she spoke to me. She shared how she dealt with dysfunctional family members and made some suggestions on how I could get through the next week. It was so helpful. My husband called me back and said he could get me home the next day. I asked about the cost and could we get the money back, he wasn't sure. I asked if we had enough for me to stay a hotel the rest of my trip, we did not. Apparently my God felt it was important for me to stay put. I thanked him for trying and being there for me, but I would stick it out.
True to my nieces words, the next morning I woke up to the usual. Elle sitting at her kitchen table texting on her phone, listening to her radio, dogs barking like crazy, Elle yelling for them to shut up. I could feel the tenseness between us. What was I supposed to do? If I tried to talk about what happened it would create a whole new angry conversation; if I played the game and acted as if everything was forgotten and ok, it would lessen the tension and make life bearable for everyone. I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and took my coffee upstairs while they went back and forth with Betsy and whether or not she was going to the big fair with us. Memories I had safely tucked away slowly crept back into my mind. Memories of my dad beating my mother the night before in a drunken rage; us sisters huddled in terror once again, wondering if tonight was the night he would kill her. The next day we all went about business as usual. What happened the night before was not mentioned and forgotten. I was angry. It wasn't' suppose to be this way. What happened to the fun and laughter we were going to have? I knew without a doubt those times were meant for only for when Elle and I were alone. But when other family members were present, I was conveniently pushed aside while Elle talked and joke with them. I was being gently put in my place. I knew that morning how my trip was going to be played out and I was filled with sadness and anger.
The day at the fair was long and tense. Thankfully Sheila, my baby sister was there and at times she and I were able to go see things together without causing anger in Elle. My niece with the two year old sensed something was wrong but I refused to talk to her about it. Elle for the most part ignored me. At times she would include me; but I already knew my role. Be quiet and join in when invited. I was not the sister from out of town that everyone was spending quality time with; I was simply the sister. Elle was the important one and she made sure whenever a family member started to have fun with me, that I,knew it. The day was long and my back was getting worse from all the sitting and the 12 hours of walking around the fair. I said nothing. I had become who I resented. one of Elle's minions. It would be the only way to survive this trip. I could not imagine how I was going to get through the next four days. That evening was usual. t.v. shows and phone texting. No real conversations. I learned quickly this was her life. I did my best to make the day enjoyable and found little gifts to bring home. I kept being reminded in my head, "you are as happy as you choose to be, you have choices today."
The next day we went to the beach. It was the best time ever and I was going to enjoy the heck out of it; Elle's jealousy be damned! I had a wonderful, fun time at the beach and playing in the water. By evening however, I was ready to leave, my back was in horrible pain and I couldn't sit on the benches. But Elle was insistent that we stay and cook burgers, in spite of me stating I was ready to leave and hurting pretty bad. She snapped something I don't recall, but remember feeling embarrassed and angry. It was as if she were my mother all over again telling me to "shut up and be quiet". Yup, it was becoming a long seven days for sure. But I just kept my eyes on my trip back home. Making the best of each day as I could and not reacting to Elle's controlling jealous character. We both knew the argument had changed us, our relationship.
Somehow I got through the rest of the trip and it was finally my last night. Everyone was coming over to have dinner and say good bye. My niece, the older one, and I were at the computer getting ready to click on the airline site to get good seats on the plane. After we received the confirmation however, we could not get it to print. We were sitting there trying everything and laughing. Having fun you might say. Once again Elle's jealous anger erupted as she came into the room wanting to know what we were laughing about. I explained we couldn't get the ticket to print. She told us both to get up and go eat, she would do it. I heard that a lot over the week come to think about it. She would take control of a situation, then be angry for having to do it. Finally Sheila was able to figure it out. I was eating my supper scared to death I was not going to be able to get a flight home. I was relieved and happy. Sheila had also brought over a beautiful mason jar filled with sand, shells, grass and even a dead crab from the day at the beach! I was so overwhelmed with love towards this sister. She spent most of the evening cooking me a great meal. I joined her in the kitchen a few times but made sure it wasn't too long so it didn't cause trouble with the jealous one. The feeling of being her protective, big sister from the past came back to me with such force, it took all I had to not burst out crying for all the work she put into making this a good trip, I wanted badly to take her aside and tell her she didn't have to live this way. But it was not my place, nor my business. So I prayed quietly and was calmed down.
The next day I could not get to the airport quick enough. I was a couple hours early and it didn't matter. It would be a couple hours to unwind and let what happened sink in. I was disappointed that I was not as changed as I had thought. It hurt my ego to see that I was still easily drawn into reacting to others behavior and moods as I always was. I did not see the amazing growth and change I had hoped to see on this trip. The only difference was Elle and I were still speaking when we got to the air port to say good bye.
My first day home was one of silent emotional melt down. I couldn't feel anything or think about anything. I only remember unpacking slowly and asking myself over and over, what happened? What did I do wrong? I had a good cry that first morning, and the day was pleasantly quiet. Going from constant loud noises and angry yelling, to no one there was both wonderful and troubling. It was as if my brain was having trouble figuring out what just happened. The next day I knew I wasn't ready to go back to work. I wasn't emotionally ready to walk back into the office where the noise level and lack of respect was the same as what I just left. So I did what I needed to do for me and stayed home. By the middle of the second day home I was myself again and everything felt normal. Elle had texted and once again she and I were acting as if nothing had happened. But we both know that wasn't true. We just choose not to talk about it. For now that is OK. I understand with both pity and compassion how sad a life she has.
What positive things can I take from this trip? I gained a sense of gratitude for my life here and with my husband I did not have before. I had it, but not to the degree I now feel. Now I had something to compare my life with. As painful as it was to accept, I knew without a doubt, my relationship with my sisters was not going to be how I had hoped; perhaps it never would be. That is not for me to say. But for today, I will take what I can get. After a few days home, I was able to look at my sisters in a whole different way. I understand where each of them are coming from. I understand why they behave and live the way they do. Like me at one time in my life; they know no different.
So where are we now? We are back to texting, though not as much, like all is well in paradise. Elle's jealousy still pops up anytime I show my baby sister special attention on Facebook. but that is her problem. I am slowly learning when it is about me, and when it is about the other person. I also learned I still have a long way to go when dealing with relationships, especially with those that are important to me. It is time to bury the fantasy of the relationship I had hoped for with my sisters, and accept with unconditional love, the one I actually have. Or should I say, don't have? After all, I am the one that got away.
I have not given up on my sisters completely mind you. I have just accepted the relationships for what they are. And I know that when we do text it is usually because I texted first. Perhaps it is time for me to step back and give them permission to have a relationship with me if they choose to. It is a very painful reality. But I know from experience that when I accept it, I will grow a little more. As my friends always remind me; change is a life long process. It happens slowly. Others will see it before we do.
Last evening we had a party at our home and some friends were over. It was such fun and as I looked around I couldn't help but smile as I watched different conversations going on and everyone was smiling and laughing. There was no arguing nor yelling. Just laughter, some seriousness at times, depending on the subject going on. But in all, it was a night of relaxing and having fun with my new family.
Many years ago, I remember listening to a woman speak who said, "I couldn't choose the family I was born into, but now as an adult, I can create a new family " and so friends, that is what I am slowly doing. I will always be family by blood with my sisters. But I have to remember, I have only been back a few times in thirty some odd years with little conversations in between. I am closer and know more about my friends then I do my sisters. So it would make sense to create a new family with my friends. My relationships are now built slowly with others who are fun, encouraging, and who love and accept me unconditionally just as I am. Knowing I have warts, but loving me while the warts are slowly removed. My friends are what I like to call my "wart removers" although they don't know it yet because I just made it up. I have a long way to go to be a better person, but today I don't have to do it alone. I have a family of friends to help me.
I had planned and bought my tickets to fly back east to stay with one of my sisters we will call Elle. During those eight months Elle and I texted back and forth almost daily. We were building that relationship I saw in healthy families. We were joking, laughing and sometimes sharing serious things with each other. As the trip got closer, we began talking about all the fun we were going to have. Eating jello and watching our favorite shows. Playing Yahtzee til late into the night. It was going to be so much fun. And with all the work I had been doing the past year, I just knew she and my other sisters were going to love the new me. They were going to be so happy spending time with me and forming a close, loving relationship with one another. I couldn't wait for my nieces to meet me, and I them.
As the trip got within a couple of months, I began to sense trouble in the horizon. My baby sister, (we will call Sheila), were also making plans of our own. There was no reason for Elle to take time off from her new job during my seven day visit. I could spend a couple of them with Sheila. It was exciting. We were planning how we would have time to share and get to know each other do some bonding. When I told Elle our plans of having a couple days together, so she need not worry about taking every day off, she became different. Instead of being relieved to save vacation time, and giving me and Sheila some time together (like a normal family would), she wanted to know why she wasn't included. And was dinner and game night at Sheila's just for me, or was she invited. I saw for the first time since my planned trip, that Elle was just as jealous and controlling as I remembered her to be. I simply told her of course she was invited. And we were just trying to save her some vac. time at her new job. Already I was being sucked into the old "roles" of my dysfunctional family. And it was about to get worse. A few weeks before I was to leave I began to feel uncomfortable and nervous. Through all the texting I was beginning to see that there would be no "Cathie and Sheila time." Elle had gone ahead and taken every day I would be there off from her job. Her way of controlling and manipulating my plans and the trip. She was running the show. There would be no bonding time between me and Sheila, or any family member for that matter except with Elle.
I continued to tell myself it would be alright. Hadn't I changed? Didn't I have some "tools" to use on my visit? I knew not to react to things; to be loving and kind and accepting of my sisters. Letting them be who they were. More important, I knew I could not and should not try to change their lives. Only go to visit. But deep down I was still excited to show them their new better version of Cathie, their big sister. I couldn't wait for Sheila to see her big sister and learn she could trust and turn to me if she ever needed a big sister.
The first two days were fantastic. Elle and I went shopping, out to lunch, just had fun talking and laughing. I was able to spend evenings with our niece who was living with Elle, and getting to see the young lady she had grown into. She had just graduated high school. Sheila came over in the evening after work to visit. She cooked us a meal and now as I look back, there was little time for her to come sit and visit. Again Elle had managed to manipulate it in a way that looked like Sheila chose to cook. And perhaps she did. I only remember not being able to visit with her alone during my entire trip . Elle was always there. I also watched as Elle controlled those around her. She was happy and loving when everyone was living by her script; (remember, I forgot to mail mine ahead). But I also witnessed on several occasions a lot of anger. The one constant during my whole trip was the yelling and constant loud noise. Loud t.v.; the radio going every morning, dogs barking loud and continuously every morning. It was just constant loud noise. Not at all what my fantasy trip looked like. And it was about to get a whole lot worse.
On the third day, another one of my sisters, we will call Betsy, came into the picture. It was Saturday. My grand-nephews 2nd birthday party. I knew no one there and Elle was off busy helping our older niece with the party. Thank goodness for Tina, my niece living with Elle. She kept me company until Betsy showed up. It was not the entrance I expected. When Betsy came into the yard that day I was beyond shock. I could not accept mentally, what I was seeing. As she got closer I saw a very frail, thin rail of a lady, with eyes hidden in dark sockets approaching me with a big smile. She had to use a cane. Was this really Betsy? I saw pictures, she wasn't sick like this. that I remember. I was told she was doing better! She gave me a big hug and sat down by me. She was in a good place mentally, not snowed under with medication (I thought) and we were having such a good time talking and taking selfies. Yes, I was having fun with another one of my sisters, my fantasy was becoming real. Suddenly, Betsy saw Elle sitting across from us alone. She said she better go talk to her before she got angry because she was getting jealous. I was heart broken. This wasn't suppose to happen. I was the one visiting, I didn't have every day with my sisters, Elle did. Why wasn't it OK to have time with each of my sisters without one of them being jealous and getting angry? We were adults now remember? So there I was again. Sitting alone at a party I knew no one. I was growing bored and my back was hurting from too much sitting and walking the last two days. I was ready to go home. I was ignored when asked if we were leaving soon. We had already been there all day; didn't she want to spend time with me, her sister she was so excited to spend time with? I was beginning to regret my decision to spend a full week there.
Finally it was time to go home. I wasn't sure how Elle was going to be when we got in the car. But she seemed OK. I was relieve she wasn't angry over my having fun with my sister. I was soon to learn how wrong I was. Later that night, I mentioned Betsy had said she wanted to ride to the airport with us. It was as if I had announced some terrible news! Elle snapped at me and wanted to know why. And why was Betsy and I hanging all over each other with selfies and never once talked to her! I was shocked and not sure how to respond. I was, after all, staying in her house and we had plenty of time talking, while my time with my other sisters was limited. Where was this anger coming from? I slowly got up and went into the kitchen. I mumbled something about being frustrated over not being able to spend time with my other sisters without causing trouble. I went to go up stairs when Elle got snobby and stated, "what, now your going to go upstairs and pout?" My new learning tools kicked in; I remained calm and simply reminded her that it was she who said, if I needed space, feel free to go upstairs. She calmed down for a bit. I then foolishly stated I did not think it was right that I could not have fun with my other sisters without causing trouble for her. Something to those words. Suddenly not only was she screaming at me about being made to be the bad guy, but then my brother in law came out of his den and began screaming in my face about not knowing what they had to deal with every day with my sisters drug problems. I tried to say that was true, and that is why I thought she was having one of her good days. I was not to explain my side. I could not talk over their screaming and the little frightened guilt ridden girl came soaring into my body. I was no longer the confident, grown up Cathie. Now I was the little girl being screamed at for something she unknowingly, innocently did. I ran up to my room and cried hysterically as I dialed a dear friend who had been there to help me grow and change over the past year and a half. I recall crying out to her, "I want to be an adult in this mess, I was hysterical and felt like I was going to throw up. She calmed me down and helped me to see what I needed to do step by step as I was too confused and emotional to know on my own. I called my husband to see if he could please get me tickets to come home the very next day. I tried to explain what had happened and how I just couldn't stay there and be stressed all week over who I could talk to and when. He talked to me and was so loving and he told me to calm down he would see what he could do. He would get me home. We hung up so he could look into it. Meanwhile my niece walked in and tried to console me and explain that this was Elle. She was very jealous and gets jealous. You just have to accept it and ignore it. In 5 minutes it would all be over and never brought up again. I told her that was not OK, what they did, was not OK nor acceptable. She begged me not leave. To just please give it another day. My phone rang, it was a lady I didn't know, that my friend had called. I told my niece I needed to take this call and would think about what she said. The kind lady on the other end of the phone was gentle and kind as she spoke to me. She shared how she dealt with dysfunctional family members and made some suggestions on how I could get through the next week. It was so helpful. My husband called me back and said he could get me home the next day. I asked about the cost and could we get the money back, he wasn't sure. I asked if we had enough for me to stay a hotel the rest of my trip, we did not. Apparently my God felt it was important for me to stay put. I thanked him for trying and being there for me, but I would stick it out.
True to my nieces words, the next morning I woke up to the usual. Elle sitting at her kitchen table texting on her phone, listening to her radio, dogs barking like crazy, Elle yelling for them to shut up. I could feel the tenseness between us. What was I supposed to do? If I tried to talk about what happened it would create a whole new angry conversation; if I played the game and acted as if everything was forgotten and ok, it would lessen the tension and make life bearable for everyone. I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and took my coffee upstairs while they went back and forth with Betsy and whether or not she was going to the big fair with us. Memories I had safely tucked away slowly crept back into my mind. Memories of my dad beating my mother the night before in a drunken rage; us sisters huddled in terror once again, wondering if tonight was the night he would kill her. The next day we all went about business as usual. What happened the night before was not mentioned and forgotten. I was angry. It wasn't' suppose to be this way. What happened to the fun and laughter we were going to have? I knew without a doubt those times were meant for only for when Elle and I were alone. But when other family members were present, I was conveniently pushed aside while Elle talked and joke with them. I was being gently put in my place. I knew that morning how my trip was going to be played out and I was filled with sadness and anger.
The day at the fair was long and tense. Thankfully Sheila, my baby sister was there and at times she and I were able to go see things together without causing anger in Elle. My niece with the two year old sensed something was wrong but I refused to talk to her about it. Elle for the most part ignored me. At times she would include me; but I already knew my role. Be quiet and join in when invited. I was not the sister from out of town that everyone was spending quality time with; I was simply the sister. Elle was the important one and she made sure whenever a family member started to have fun with me, that I,knew it. The day was long and my back was getting worse from all the sitting and the 12 hours of walking around the fair. I said nothing. I had become who I resented. one of Elle's minions. It would be the only way to survive this trip. I could not imagine how I was going to get through the next four days. That evening was usual. t.v. shows and phone texting. No real conversations. I learned quickly this was her life. I did my best to make the day enjoyable and found little gifts to bring home. I kept being reminded in my head, "you are as happy as you choose to be, you have choices today."
The next day we went to the beach. It was the best time ever and I was going to enjoy the heck out of it; Elle's jealousy be damned! I had a wonderful, fun time at the beach and playing in the water. By evening however, I was ready to leave, my back was in horrible pain and I couldn't sit on the benches. But Elle was insistent that we stay and cook burgers, in spite of me stating I was ready to leave and hurting pretty bad. She snapped something I don't recall, but remember feeling embarrassed and angry. It was as if she were my mother all over again telling me to "shut up and be quiet". Yup, it was becoming a long seven days for sure. But I just kept my eyes on my trip back home. Making the best of each day as I could and not reacting to Elle's controlling jealous character. We both knew the argument had changed us, our relationship.
Somehow I got through the rest of the trip and it was finally my last night. Everyone was coming over to have dinner and say good bye. My niece, the older one, and I were at the computer getting ready to click on the airline site to get good seats on the plane. After we received the confirmation however, we could not get it to print. We were sitting there trying everything and laughing. Having fun you might say. Once again Elle's jealous anger erupted as she came into the room wanting to know what we were laughing about. I explained we couldn't get the ticket to print. She told us both to get up and go eat, she would do it. I heard that a lot over the week come to think about it. She would take control of a situation, then be angry for having to do it. Finally Sheila was able to figure it out. I was eating my supper scared to death I was not going to be able to get a flight home. I was relieved and happy. Sheila had also brought over a beautiful mason jar filled with sand, shells, grass and even a dead crab from the day at the beach! I was so overwhelmed with love towards this sister. She spent most of the evening cooking me a great meal. I joined her in the kitchen a few times but made sure it wasn't too long so it didn't cause trouble with the jealous one. The feeling of being her protective, big sister from the past came back to me with such force, it took all I had to not burst out crying for all the work she put into making this a good trip, I wanted badly to take her aside and tell her she didn't have to live this way. But it was not my place, nor my business. So I prayed quietly and was calmed down.
The next day I could not get to the airport quick enough. I was a couple hours early and it didn't matter. It would be a couple hours to unwind and let what happened sink in. I was disappointed that I was not as changed as I had thought. It hurt my ego to see that I was still easily drawn into reacting to others behavior and moods as I always was. I did not see the amazing growth and change I had hoped to see on this trip. The only difference was Elle and I were still speaking when we got to the air port to say good bye.
My first day home was one of silent emotional melt down. I couldn't feel anything or think about anything. I only remember unpacking slowly and asking myself over and over, what happened? What did I do wrong? I had a good cry that first morning, and the day was pleasantly quiet. Going from constant loud noises and angry yelling, to no one there was both wonderful and troubling. It was as if my brain was having trouble figuring out what just happened. The next day I knew I wasn't ready to go back to work. I wasn't emotionally ready to walk back into the office where the noise level and lack of respect was the same as what I just left. So I did what I needed to do for me and stayed home. By the middle of the second day home I was myself again and everything felt normal. Elle had texted and once again she and I were acting as if nothing had happened. But we both know that wasn't true. We just choose not to talk about it. For now that is OK. I understand with both pity and compassion how sad a life she has.
What positive things can I take from this trip? I gained a sense of gratitude for my life here and with my husband I did not have before. I had it, but not to the degree I now feel. Now I had something to compare my life with. As painful as it was to accept, I knew without a doubt, my relationship with my sisters was not going to be how I had hoped; perhaps it never would be. That is not for me to say. But for today, I will take what I can get. After a few days home, I was able to look at my sisters in a whole different way. I understand where each of them are coming from. I understand why they behave and live the way they do. Like me at one time in my life; they know no different.
So where are we now? We are back to texting, though not as much, like all is well in paradise. Elle's jealousy still pops up anytime I show my baby sister special attention on Facebook. but that is her problem. I am slowly learning when it is about me, and when it is about the other person. I also learned I still have a long way to go when dealing with relationships, especially with those that are important to me. It is time to bury the fantasy of the relationship I had hoped for with my sisters, and accept with unconditional love, the one I actually have. Or should I say, don't have? After all, I am the one that got away.
I have not given up on my sisters completely mind you. I have just accepted the relationships for what they are. And I know that when we do text it is usually because I texted first. Perhaps it is time for me to step back and give them permission to have a relationship with me if they choose to. It is a very painful reality. But I know from experience that when I accept it, I will grow a little more. As my friends always remind me; change is a life long process. It happens slowly. Others will see it before we do.
Last evening we had a party at our home and some friends were over. It was such fun and as I looked around I couldn't help but smile as I watched different conversations going on and everyone was smiling and laughing. There was no arguing nor yelling. Just laughter, some seriousness at times, depending on the subject going on. But in all, it was a night of relaxing and having fun with my new family.
Many years ago, I remember listening to a woman speak who said, "I couldn't choose the family I was born into, but now as an adult, I can create a new family " and so friends, that is what I am slowly doing. I will always be family by blood with my sisters. But I have to remember, I have only been back a few times in thirty some odd years with little conversations in between. I am closer and know more about my friends then I do my sisters. So it would make sense to create a new family with my friends. My relationships are now built slowly with others who are fun, encouraging, and who love and accept me unconditionally just as I am. Knowing I have warts, but loving me while the warts are slowly removed. My friends are what I like to call my "wart removers" although they don't know it yet because I just made it up. I have a long way to go to be a better person, but today I don't have to do it alone. I have a family of friends to help me.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Let it begin with Me
I am beginning a new life experience. I am excited to once again share who I was, where I've been emotionally and spiritually, and where my Mother God has lead me to. Once again the excitement to write is back. A friend' just earlier this evening inspired me to get back on this blog and write. She said I had something other people could relate to and needed to know they were not alone. And that is exactly why I started this blog. I want all of you to know those of us in our senior years are not alone and less important the younger people. Writing about my life, my experiences not only help me to feel good about reaching out to others, but it also frees me from the shame, fears and sense of no longer being important in this age where only the young matter. I look forward to the day I begin to hear back from readers and their input and experiences as well, and how they over came insecurities and fears. I don't know who you, the reader is, and yet I feel we know each other by our common thoughts and experiences. Lets face it. Life looks uncertain for us baby boomers. The future does not look bright and secure if you don't have a large bank account, a rich relative to leave you their house or money. But we can at least know we are not alone. That if it came to be; we will at least have one another to share our cardboard boxes on the streets.
Seriously though, where do I begin? For now all I can do is "throw up" my thoughts onto this paper and see where the words go. Trust my Mother Spirit to put the right words into the right sentence. Later I can go back and clean up the mess and move words around so they make sense and are coherent at she directs me.
Someone asked me what type of audience was I trying to reach? Well, being as this is my journal, it will no doubt resonate more with the older generation. How many 20 year old young ladies for instance stare in the mirror and notice more wrinkles or gray hairs that were not there the day before. I remember so clearly when this began to happen to me. I was upstairs in the bathroom brushing my teeth and when I raised up my head I noticed my eyes were more droopy than usual. My eyelids were not going back up. So I rinsed my face and thought they would be back to normal as the day went on. But to my astonishment, (horror is more like it), I noticed later that day the droopy eye lids were still droopy! They had not risen back up. I literally screamed to my husband who was watching t.v. downstairs, "Oh my God, Steve, my eyes have fallen and they aren't going back up!" At that moment I knew I was no longer the young lady with the big pretty brown eyes. Now I had wished I had my glasses back to hide behind.
Slowly over the past two years I notice that changes to my physical body are developing on a rapid pace, almost daily. I still look good for 58, people are surprised when I tell them how old I am, (God please don't let this be kindness). It still remains a sad fact though; my body is aging. So what am I going to do? Sit down and feel sorry for myself? Continue to waste more years sitting around watching more of my life go on without my participation? Being bombarded with ads about looking younger doesn't help my self esteem much. I blame the media. Their subtle brain washing through ads and commercials. Have you notice how commercials for perfume, clothes, cars and jewelry all have slim beautiful women in them? And of course they have to look sexy as well. Why in the world do you have to be sexy to eat a fat, messy cheeseburger? I mean really, the girl dong the ad probably runs to the bathroom to throw it all up. We all know we aren't going to stay slim eating a fast food cheeseburger, and we certainly aren't going to look sexy with the sauce running down our chins. I don't know about you, but when I go out to eat, I want to enjoy my food without worrying about how I look. Commercials are telling our young population that plain over weight women don't have the right to drive a fancy car or buy nice jewelry. No, commercials for us are the Windex commercials, the detergent commercials and of course the family commercials for frozen dinners. They are not fancy restaurants and wine. They don't even use older women to advertise certain moisturizers, special skin soap or lotions, no they use a young lady who does't look a day over 20 to sell face cream to make you longer! How young does she want to look, 15? We get the depend commercials, the under pads that look like underwear. Viagra.
Maybe I am just jealous. I don't like that my hands are winkled and fingers are getting arthritic, or that I grunt when I get up from a sitting or leaning down position. But that is my reality. Each time I notice something else, like growing a mustache and having to plunk these darn hairs that come out of nowhere; and of course I don't find them until they are a foot long. Then my poor husband gets screamed at for letting me go out in public with a hair sticking out like a wart.
It is scary to know I am getting older. That it takes more effort to do the physical activities I once enjoyed without paying for it later in pain. Its not easy to be in my fifties and still not have accomplished anything worth bragging about. Instead, I am just finally learning what it is to be a healthy, respectful woman. It is still hard to stand up for myself with authoritative people, or strong personalities. The insecure little girl comes rushing back to remind me I am not suppose to talk back, I am not worthy of their respect.
However, lately I am being blessed more and more with things that really matter. Friendships. Relationships based on healthy respect for one another. Laughing at each other's mistakes or silly thoughts. I now have women who encourage, not put down. Friends who treat me as their equal, and respect my opinions. The greatest thing about these new friendships is that they accept it when I continuously get lost trying to find the restaurant we are meeting at; or that I have no idea that some things are best left alone. They laugh "with" me; not "at" me. For the first time in my life I am not just knowing others love me; but feeling it, believing it is genuine, and that means I am really lovable, and not because I did something for them. How cool is that. You know something else? I realized that by my insecurities, weird thinking turn out to be what attracts others. My sometimes strange antics are the very things others find me fun and enjoyable to be around.
On the other spectrum, I have come to realize sadly, that when I back away or disappear out of fear or embarrassment, They actually miss me and are hurt that I no longer visit with them in a group we are in together. I honestly believed no one cared if I didn't show up. That I wouldn't be missed or my absence would be noticed. By meeting regularly with these new friends, I am learning through them what a healthy relationship looks like. And that healthy relationships are fun, trustworthy and honest. I do not have to agree with everything my friends or people I respect do. This is called unconditional love. What a concept. It isn't necessary to get angry in order to get a response I want; or to pout when others treat me disrespectfully. Actually I can be quite childish when I feel hurt or unimportant. I sulk and behave like a 14 year old. And look stupid in the process. But again, these friends in my life don't judge me; don't run away or scold me for being an idiot. Instead they laugh because they too have reacted in situations in the same manner.
I guess we are always evolving; growing, changing. And isn't that great? Because as we change and learn from our mistakes and wrong behavior, we become better people; we get to look in the mirror and smile because today we are a better person than we were yesterday. Each day these past few months Mother Spirit within has continually shown me and whispered to me what I need to do; and that is, to always do the right thing no matter how difficult or humbling it may be. To mend a relationship with someone I have to work with, or got into a heated disagreement with, it can even be something I just don't want to deal with out of fear of how the other person might react. Again I am reminded what the important part of change and maturity is, and that is to "Let it begin with Me". Not wait until the other person apologizes or changes to my satisfaction. No, what is right is to always do the next right thing. And to remember, It is not always about me. Boy oh boy, growing up in later life is a difficult thing. And embarrassing as well when I keep it to myself. When I share stupid or wrongful behavior I did with a trusted friend, I am told I am not alone in these reactions. I am able to laugh at my mistakes or embarrassing reactions. However that does not take away my responsibility to do the next right thing. I still have to make the amends for the harm or hurtful feeling I may have caused. Again, its living with the reminder; "Let it begin with me."
Seriously though, where do I begin? For now all I can do is "throw up" my thoughts onto this paper and see where the words go. Trust my Mother Spirit to put the right words into the right sentence. Later I can go back and clean up the mess and move words around so they make sense and are coherent at she directs me.
Someone asked me what type of audience was I trying to reach? Well, being as this is my journal, it will no doubt resonate more with the older generation. How many 20 year old young ladies for instance stare in the mirror and notice more wrinkles or gray hairs that were not there the day before. I remember so clearly when this began to happen to me. I was upstairs in the bathroom brushing my teeth and when I raised up my head I noticed my eyes were more droopy than usual. My eyelids were not going back up. So I rinsed my face and thought they would be back to normal as the day went on. But to my astonishment, (horror is more like it), I noticed later that day the droopy eye lids were still droopy! They had not risen back up. I literally screamed to my husband who was watching t.v. downstairs, "Oh my God, Steve, my eyes have fallen and they aren't going back up!" At that moment I knew I was no longer the young lady with the big pretty brown eyes. Now I had wished I had my glasses back to hide behind.
Slowly over the past two years I notice that changes to my physical body are developing on a rapid pace, almost daily. I still look good for 58, people are surprised when I tell them how old I am, (God please don't let this be kindness). It still remains a sad fact though; my body is aging. So what am I going to do? Sit down and feel sorry for myself? Continue to waste more years sitting around watching more of my life go on without my participation? Being bombarded with ads about looking younger doesn't help my self esteem much. I blame the media. Their subtle brain washing through ads and commercials. Have you notice how commercials for perfume, clothes, cars and jewelry all have slim beautiful women in them? And of course they have to look sexy as well. Why in the world do you have to be sexy to eat a fat, messy cheeseburger? I mean really, the girl dong the ad probably runs to the bathroom to throw it all up. We all know we aren't going to stay slim eating a fast food cheeseburger, and we certainly aren't going to look sexy with the sauce running down our chins. I don't know about you, but when I go out to eat, I want to enjoy my food without worrying about how I look. Commercials are telling our young population that plain over weight women don't have the right to drive a fancy car or buy nice jewelry. No, commercials for us are the Windex commercials, the detergent commercials and of course the family commercials for frozen dinners. They are not fancy restaurants and wine. They don't even use older women to advertise certain moisturizers, special skin soap or lotions, no they use a young lady who does't look a day over 20 to sell face cream to make you longer! How young does she want to look, 15? We get the depend commercials, the under pads that look like underwear. Viagra.
Maybe I am just jealous. I don't like that my hands are winkled and fingers are getting arthritic, or that I grunt when I get up from a sitting or leaning down position. But that is my reality. Each time I notice something else, like growing a mustache and having to plunk these darn hairs that come out of nowhere; and of course I don't find them until they are a foot long. Then my poor husband gets screamed at for letting me go out in public with a hair sticking out like a wart.
It is scary to know I am getting older. That it takes more effort to do the physical activities I once enjoyed without paying for it later in pain. Its not easy to be in my fifties and still not have accomplished anything worth bragging about. Instead, I am just finally learning what it is to be a healthy, respectful woman. It is still hard to stand up for myself with authoritative people, or strong personalities. The insecure little girl comes rushing back to remind me I am not suppose to talk back, I am not worthy of their respect.
However, lately I am being blessed more and more with things that really matter. Friendships. Relationships based on healthy respect for one another. Laughing at each other's mistakes or silly thoughts. I now have women who encourage, not put down. Friends who treat me as their equal, and respect my opinions. The greatest thing about these new friendships is that they accept it when I continuously get lost trying to find the restaurant we are meeting at; or that I have no idea that some things are best left alone. They laugh "with" me; not "at" me. For the first time in my life I am not just knowing others love me; but feeling it, believing it is genuine, and that means I am really lovable, and not because I did something for them. How cool is that. You know something else? I realized that by my insecurities, weird thinking turn out to be what attracts others. My sometimes strange antics are the very things others find me fun and enjoyable to be around.
On the other spectrum, I have come to realize sadly, that when I back away or disappear out of fear or embarrassment, They actually miss me and are hurt that I no longer visit with them in a group we are in together. I honestly believed no one cared if I didn't show up. That I wouldn't be missed or my absence would be noticed. By meeting regularly with these new friends, I am learning through them what a healthy relationship looks like. And that healthy relationships are fun, trustworthy and honest. I do not have to agree with everything my friends or people I respect do. This is called unconditional love. What a concept. It isn't necessary to get angry in order to get a response I want; or to pout when others treat me disrespectfully. Actually I can be quite childish when I feel hurt or unimportant. I sulk and behave like a 14 year old. And look stupid in the process. But again, these friends in my life don't judge me; don't run away or scold me for being an idiot. Instead they laugh because they too have reacted in situations in the same manner.
I guess we are always evolving; growing, changing. And isn't that great? Because as we change and learn from our mistakes and wrong behavior, we become better people; we get to look in the mirror and smile because today we are a better person than we were yesterday. Each day these past few months Mother Spirit within has continually shown me and whispered to me what I need to do; and that is, to always do the right thing no matter how difficult or humbling it may be. To mend a relationship with someone I have to work with, or got into a heated disagreement with, it can even be something I just don't want to deal with out of fear of how the other person might react. Again I am reminded what the important part of change and maturity is, and that is to "Let it begin with Me". Not wait until the other person apologizes or changes to my satisfaction. No, what is right is to always do the next right thing. And to remember, It is not always about me. Boy oh boy, growing up in later life is a difficult thing. And embarrassing as well when I keep it to myself. When I share stupid or wrongful behavior I did with a trusted friend, I am told I am not alone in these reactions. I am able to laugh at my mistakes or embarrassing reactions. However that does not take away my responsibility to do the next right thing. I still have to make the amends for the harm or hurtful feeling I may have caused. Again, its living with the reminder; "Let it begin with me."
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
What does one do when they are "Stuck" in their Lives?
I am in "Stuck" mode. Where do I belong, fit in? Where am I suppose to be at this stage of my life? Others I know seem content to with their normal routine day in and day out. Work, go home, clean house, take a walk. Whatever it is they do in their lives. And I am one of them! It really stinks. I see myself as someone living an excited, interesting life. Learning new things, like Social Media and all it entails. Or joining a group that does fun things like going to a museum or live Play. I am not being the person I was created to be. How do I know this? Well let me tell you. Perhaps you too, will realize you are wasting the only life you have in front of the t.v. or napping on the couch after a stressful day on the job.
I visualize myself as a professional writer and speaker. That would be such fun. I also picture myself in a comic skit similar to The Carol Burnett show. I just know I would be good at it. That is, of course, if I could get up the confidence and courage to do it. Or what about belonging to a professional writer's group or book club. Not a club where you read romance novels. A book club that that make you think, books that everyone has different opinions of. Now that would be great because I would have to actually think! Another area that is lacking in my daily life is exercise. Walking the dog around a small mobile home park is not what I would call a work out. I have great intentions, really I do. I bought a yoga mat, video on yoga for beginners, that has managed to get lost. Every night I tell myself, "Cathie, tomorrow you are going to get out of this bed (after my first cup of coffee of course), and you are going to do stretches, eat a healthy breakfast and walk the dog. Then after work you are going to do the same thing while Steve is cooking supper". And guess what. Something happens while I am asleep. Don't know what, but somehow that enthusiasm and determination is taking away in my sleep. I am as serious as a heart attack, morning comes and I can't get out of bed until my second cup of coffee and by the time I am dressed and gotten daily reading out of the way, it is time to go to work. Then, when I get home, well you understand I am sure, I am so uptight and stressed that I nibble while I watch my dear husband cook supper. This has been a regular routine for several months now. But since my birthday last month I was so determined this would be my year. So far all it has been is a repeat of last year with a few exceptions on occasion. The determination is being kidnapped while I sleep. I admire those who are disciplined and have a hard drive to accomplish things in their lives. You know the ones, maybe you are one. They faithfully get up an extra hour early to get in their exercise or run. I know a friend who gets up at 3 am to write her book! Now she is a writer. I am not willing to or just not disciplined enough to get up so early. How does one gain discipline? If someone tells me, by just doing it, I will scream. Because I know they are right. I never thought about writing a story, but maybe that would be fun.
How badly do I want a new life? Perhaps the real question would be, What am I willing to give up to accomplish these things? Not to be published or win a ribbon. But for the shear joy of feeling good about myself. That sense of accomplishment and joy I get when I finish a post. I know there are physical activities I can no longer do; but there are lots of things I can do emotionally, intellectually and even spiritually that would enhance my daily living and give my life a sense of worth. Perhaps even build confidence. Both that were robbed from me as a child.
I was talking to a friend about this subject and how I felt "stuck". Not knowing how to get out of this funk and she said matter of factually, "move ahead, do something, push on." Really? That is the advise I get? Do something to move ahead. How the hell do I do that? I don't think she understood what I was asking. It is so easy to say what I need to do; but they leave out the most important part of the problem, the "how to" part! Come on people, do you really think I can figure this stuff out on my own? I don't think so. But wait a minute, perhaps I do. Perhaps the answer lies deep within. I only need to trust that inner voice that says, " Do something different. Take a risk. Just do something, anything." Even if it is as simple as writing this silly post. I have nothing concrete to write about, and yet here I am, in the middle of a big thunder and lightening storm writing. I had a Star Bucks coffee with a dear friend after work. I really didn't want to go, but that voice told me to quit being so lazy and go. I am sure it was Mother Spirit directing me. I had fun and ended up hanging out with a group of people sharing where they were at and what they had been going through this week. I was glad to be back there and even got involved. Inspired to start knitting and sewing again. Well, this just goes to prove that what people have been telling me , really is all it takes. Just doing it even when I don't want to. Like that little eight year old inside me that stamps her foot and says, "I don't feel like it!"
OK, I know the answer now; the only thing stopping me from doing the things I believe I would enjoy is me. Me and all my lame excuses I find to defend my laziness. So my friends, this is my commitment and you can hold me accountable. I am going to write at least, once a week and work on it being worthy of posting. Each day I am going to do something I don't feel like doing, but would be good for me. And last, turn off the t.v.! Get out the sewing machine, yarn, whatever will help me feel alive and worthy of this life I am given. We are at the age where friends are having strokes, cancer, heart attacks. It is continuously on my mind of how much time do I really have before getting the "death sentence". And even if I were to have 10 or more years left, will I continue to waste it "relaxing" watching t.v. or playing games on my lap top instead of writing or learning something new. Creating something I can wear with pride. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do the things that create excitement and confidence in myself. Learning something new just brightens my day, I feel exhilarated and want to do or learn more. OH, now I remember what is keeping me stuck, the word is, Lazy!! I say I need to relax, when in reality I am being lazy, plain and simple.
So, no more excuses; no more "I don't want to" or "I don't feel like it". Each day I am blessed to have, I will show my appreciation by completing a craft I started or continue on one I have already begun. I will read books that inspire and teach me new things. Doesn't this sound great? Yeah, I think so too. Now lets see if it really happens. It could be taken from my memory as I sleep tonight, like it has in the past.
My real goal is to be able to write a post that is interesting and has a focus. I still feel like I am floundering around trying to find a purpose in my writings. I know I want to reach out to others who are struggling with the same struggles I have. To know I am not alone in my craziness, fears and concerns of what the future holds. So I will just keep writing what is on my mind and enjoy the process. Maybe one day I will look and see a response from someone who has the same excuses and the same questions as I have. You never know.
Well, its late and the morning comes early. So I will say Good night.
I visualize myself as a professional writer and speaker. That would be such fun. I also picture myself in a comic skit similar to The Carol Burnett show. I just know I would be good at it. That is, of course, if I could get up the confidence and courage to do it. Or what about belonging to a professional writer's group or book club. Not a club where you read romance novels. A book club that that make you think, books that everyone has different opinions of. Now that would be great because I would have to actually think! Another area that is lacking in my daily life is exercise. Walking the dog around a small mobile home park is not what I would call a work out. I have great intentions, really I do. I bought a yoga mat, video on yoga for beginners, that has managed to get lost. Every night I tell myself, "Cathie, tomorrow you are going to get out of this bed (after my first cup of coffee of course), and you are going to do stretches, eat a healthy breakfast and walk the dog. Then after work you are going to do the same thing while Steve is cooking supper". And guess what. Something happens while I am asleep. Don't know what, but somehow that enthusiasm and determination is taking away in my sleep. I am as serious as a heart attack, morning comes and I can't get out of bed until my second cup of coffee and by the time I am dressed and gotten daily reading out of the way, it is time to go to work. Then, when I get home, well you understand I am sure, I am so uptight and stressed that I nibble while I watch my dear husband cook supper. This has been a regular routine for several months now. But since my birthday last month I was so determined this would be my year. So far all it has been is a repeat of last year with a few exceptions on occasion. The determination is being kidnapped while I sleep. I admire those who are disciplined and have a hard drive to accomplish things in their lives. You know the ones, maybe you are one. They faithfully get up an extra hour early to get in their exercise or run. I know a friend who gets up at 3 am to write her book! Now she is a writer. I am not willing to or just not disciplined enough to get up so early. How does one gain discipline? If someone tells me, by just doing it, I will scream. Because I know they are right. I never thought about writing a story, but maybe that would be fun.
How badly do I want a new life? Perhaps the real question would be, What am I willing to give up to accomplish these things? Not to be published or win a ribbon. But for the shear joy of feeling good about myself. That sense of accomplishment and joy I get when I finish a post. I know there are physical activities I can no longer do; but there are lots of things I can do emotionally, intellectually and even spiritually that would enhance my daily living and give my life a sense of worth. Perhaps even build confidence. Both that were robbed from me as a child.
I was talking to a friend about this subject and how I felt "stuck". Not knowing how to get out of this funk and she said matter of factually, "move ahead, do something, push on." Really? That is the advise I get? Do something to move ahead. How the hell do I do that? I don't think she understood what I was asking. It is so easy to say what I need to do; but they leave out the most important part of the problem, the "how to" part! Come on people, do you really think I can figure this stuff out on my own? I don't think so. But wait a minute, perhaps I do. Perhaps the answer lies deep within. I only need to trust that inner voice that says, " Do something different. Take a risk. Just do something, anything." Even if it is as simple as writing this silly post. I have nothing concrete to write about, and yet here I am, in the middle of a big thunder and lightening storm writing. I had a Star Bucks coffee with a dear friend after work. I really didn't want to go, but that voice told me to quit being so lazy and go. I am sure it was Mother Spirit directing me. I had fun and ended up hanging out with a group of people sharing where they were at and what they had been going through this week. I was glad to be back there and even got involved. Inspired to start knitting and sewing again. Well, this just goes to prove that what people have been telling me , really is all it takes. Just doing it even when I don't want to. Like that little eight year old inside me that stamps her foot and says, "I don't feel like it!"
OK, I know the answer now; the only thing stopping me from doing the things I believe I would enjoy is me. Me and all my lame excuses I find to defend my laziness. So my friends, this is my commitment and you can hold me accountable. I am going to write at least, once a week and work on it being worthy of posting. Each day I am going to do something I don't feel like doing, but would be good for me. And last, turn off the t.v.! Get out the sewing machine, yarn, whatever will help me feel alive and worthy of this life I am given. We are at the age where friends are having strokes, cancer, heart attacks. It is continuously on my mind of how much time do I really have before getting the "death sentence". And even if I were to have 10 or more years left, will I continue to waste it "relaxing" watching t.v. or playing games on my lap top instead of writing or learning something new. Creating something I can wear with pride. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do the things that create excitement and confidence in myself. Learning something new just brightens my day, I feel exhilarated and want to do or learn more. OH, now I remember what is keeping me stuck, the word is, Lazy!! I say I need to relax, when in reality I am being lazy, plain and simple.
So, no more excuses; no more "I don't want to" or "I don't feel like it". Each day I am blessed to have, I will show my appreciation by completing a craft I started or continue on one I have already begun. I will read books that inspire and teach me new things. Doesn't this sound great? Yeah, I think so too. Now lets see if it really happens. It could be taken from my memory as I sleep tonight, like it has in the past.
My real goal is to be able to write a post that is interesting and has a focus. I still feel like I am floundering around trying to find a purpose in my writings. I know I want to reach out to others who are struggling with the same struggles I have. To know I am not alone in my craziness, fears and concerns of what the future holds. So I will just keep writing what is on my mind and enjoy the process. Maybe one day I will look and see a response from someone who has the same excuses and the same questions as I have. You never know.
Well, its late and the morning comes early. So I will say Good night.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides
Well I am back. Never really went anywhere, not in my head anyway. But been struggling with trying not to compare myself with others these past months. It is truly disheartening to see young women filled with such self confidence and intelligence with technology, not to mention careers and what they want from life. Each year I go through this process as my birthday comes closer. I look back and realize I am the same person I was last year. Same job, same husband, (I guess that parts good), same home, same insecurities blah blah blah. And it makes me wonder. What am I doing so wrong?
However, this year I can look back and see how I have grown, and how I have begun to change into the woman I hope to become. Instead of looking at women I wish I were like, I have started acting like it! What a concept huh? Also, I look at my job that is going no where and began using it as a practice job for the position I will be in one day. (Did you notice the positive affirmation I just did?). For instance I find myself minding my own business more and staying out of gossip, or keeping from starting it. I firmly but respectfully stand up to those who feel they are superior. And most important I have surrounded myself with women who encourage and love me just as I am, and are also there to encourage where I could change for better. It doesn't matter how old you are, inside we are all those insecure little boys and girls at times. We just see others outsides and assume it is their insides as well.
I had read other blogs and looked at them and suddenly felt so insecure and inferior. They were all so professional and set up so nicely! Pictures even! I don't' have the luxury of a teen or fellow blogger to help me work out the kinks nearby. But a woman told me and a friend what a great writer I was and how I needed to get back at it. So here I am, insecure and fearful. But I am here. My goal last year if I remember right, was not allowing fear to rule my life any longer. And of course as soon as I realized people were reading my blog and although they loved it, it filled me with fear of continuing to write what they would like or not like. I need to remind myself I am writing for myself and because I love it. Actually I love writing and rewriting. The editing is so much fun.
My husband is talking about retiring in a few years. If you don't think that sent chills up my spine! When did he have the right to get so old? And why is he aging and getting grumpier so much faster than I am? Then reality sinks in and I realize, I am aging right alongside him. Everyday as I do my data entry position I notice how old my hands are looking. When I am crocheting or knitting, I again notice the stiffness that wasn't there a week ago. My hair is changing color faster and it isn't coming out of a bottle! I just keep seeing all these new changes happening to my body at an alarming rate of speed and my immature young mentality is not catching up! And yes, there are days when I am terrified.
My husband left for a week long trip yesterday and for a week prior I was having anxiety attacks. All the old "what ifs" came storming into my head. What if he doesn't make it back? What if he has a stroke or heart attack so far from home? What if, what if. What if I just shut my thoughts off and move on!! First I can't wait to get rid of the grump for a few days, then I am worrying about losing him. Wish my mind could make itself up already. I do love the guy, but lets face it, I don't always like him. Some days I want to just smack him a long side his head and scream "Shape up already!".
So today I enjoyed my regular Saturday brunch lunch with a woman I met and it was so much fun. In the back of my mind though, I caught myself thinking how strange that I didn't have to think about my spouse and what he was doing while I was sitting here eating with a friend. Of course that means I was still thinking about him! I just can't win. Lets face it, if my thoughts are focused on him and what he is doing, I don't have to look at what I am doing. That is a great way to avoid looking at what needs to be changed in me. but it is also a way to miss out on the joy of the moment. That isn't something I want to continue doing any longer. I am ready to face the truth of life and change what I can and find a way to live with what I can't. Thank goodness I have a Power greater than myself that guides me and fills me with peace and encouragement whenever I think of her or go to her for comfort.
Writing is so therapeutic. I can never understand why some find it so difficult. It is fun, hard work, but the joy is finding out that the more transparent I become, the less alone I feel in these life situations. My journaling is never meant to hurt anyone and this has stopped me from always being completely open about what is going on or speaking up when the moment is right. but how can this be helpful to you, the reader and to myself? My philosophy of late has been, "No more hiding who I am." No more secrets. Yes, this can and will set me up to be ridiculed and judged. Maybe I will lose a few friends or family member relationships. I hope it wouldn't, but that's not realistic. As a writer of truth we have to be willing to risk losing a few relationships when we share intimate things about ourselves.
This is the next best thing to being "Dear Abby" as I can think of . I always thought it would be so much fun to have people ask me for advise and give it like she did. So instead, I will end this year of my life writing more stories about myself, my life before and now, daily events that are funny or frustrating, and hope to hear others are reading these events and feelings and identifying with me. More importantly, they will gain hope and encouragement that they are not alone or crazy in their thoughts. Or maybe we are and its that is ok too, just so long as we are not harming ourselves or others in the process. I am sadly guilty of both. But am so grateful I can say that in past tense. Not that I don't continue to hurt others unknowingly. but there was a time I did it intentionally out of anger or ego.
Well, this is a short and very simple post, but I knew if I didn't put something on here I may never get back at it. So back to the disciplining. Writing every day, and even if I don't hit the "post" button the first writing, at least I will have written something that day. Life is changing quickly for me emotionally, physically and spiritually. The best time to write don't you think?
However, this year I can look back and see how I have grown, and how I have begun to change into the woman I hope to become. Instead of looking at women I wish I were like, I have started acting like it! What a concept huh? Also, I look at my job that is going no where and began using it as a practice job for the position I will be in one day. (Did you notice the positive affirmation I just did?). For instance I find myself minding my own business more and staying out of gossip, or keeping from starting it. I firmly but respectfully stand up to those who feel they are superior. And most important I have surrounded myself with women who encourage and love me just as I am, and are also there to encourage where I could change for better. It doesn't matter how old you are, inside we are all those insecure little boys and girls at times. We just see others outsides and assume it is their insides as well.
I had read other blogs and looked at them and suddenly felt so insecure and inferior. They were all so professional and set up so nicely! Pictures even! I don't' have the luxury of a teen or fellow blogger to help me work out the kinks nearby. But a woman told me and a friend what a great writer I was and how I needed to get back at it. So here I am, insecure and fearful. But I am here. My goal last year if I remember right, was not allowing fear to rule my life any longer. And of course as soon as I realized people were reading my blog and although they loved it, it filled me with fear of continuing to write what they would like or not like. I need to remind myself I am writing for myself and because I love it. Actually I love writing and rewriting. The editing is so much fun.
My husband is talking about retiring in a few years. If you don't think that sent chills up my spine! When did he have the right to get so old? And why is he aging and getting grumpier so much faster than I am? Then reality sinks in and I realize, I am aging right alongside him. Everyday as I do my data entry position I notice how old my hands are looking. When I am crocheting or knitting, I again notice the stiffness that wasn't there a week ago. My hair is changing color faster and it isn't coming out of a bottle! I just keep seeing all these new changes happening to my body at an alarming rate of speed and my immature young mentality is not catching up! And yes, there are days when I am terrified.
My husband left for a week long trip yesterday and for a week prior I was having anxiety attacks. All the old "what ifs" came storming into my head. What if he doesn't make it back? What if he has a stroke or heart attack so far from home? What if, what if. What if I just shut my thoughts off and move on!! First I can't wait to get rid of the grump for a few days, then I am worrying about losing him. Wish my mind could make itself up already. I do love the guy, but lets face it, I don't always like him. Some days I want to just smack him a long side his head and scream "Shape up already!".
So today I enjoyed my regular Saturday brunch lunch with a woman I met and it was so much fun. In the back of my mind though, I caught myself thinking how strange that I didn't have to think about my spouse and what he was doing while I was sitting here eating with a friend. Of course that means I was still thinking about him! I just can't win. Lets face it, if my thoughts are focused on him and what he is doing, I don't have to look at what I am doing. That is a great way to avoid looking at what needs to be changed in me. but it is also a way to miss out on the joy of the moment. That isn't something I want to continue doing any longer. I am ready to face the truth of life and change what I can and find a way to live with what I can't. Thank goodness I have a Power greater than myself that guides me and fills me with peace and encouragement whenever I think of her or go to her for comfort.
Writing is so therapeutic. I can never understand why some find it so difficult. It is fun, hard work, but the joy is finding out that the more transparent I become, the less alone I feel in these life situations. My journaling is never meant to hurt anyone and this has stopped me from always being completely open about what is going on or speaking up when the moment is right. but how can this be helpful to you, the reader and to myself? My philosophy of late has been, "No more hiding who I am." No more secrets. Yes, this can and will set me up to be ridiculed and judged. Maybe I will lose a few friends or family member relationships. I hope it wouldn't, but that's not realistic. As a writer of truth we have to be willing to risk losing a few relationships when we share intimate things about ourselves.
This is the next best thing to being "Dear Abby" as I can think of . I always thought it would be so much fun to have people ask me for advise and give it like she did. So instead, I will end this year of my life writing more stories about myself, my life before and now, daily events that are funny or frustrating, and hope to hear others are reading these events and feelings and identifying with me. More importantly, they will gain hope and encouragement that they are not alone or crazy in their thoughts. Or maybe we are and its that is ok too, just so long as we are not harming ourselves or others in the process. I am sadly guilty of both. But am so grateful I can say that in past tense. Not that I don't continue to hurt others unknowingly. but there was a time I did it intentionally out of anger or ego.
Well, this is a short and very simple post, but I knew if I didn't put something on here I may never get back at it. So back to the disciplining. Writing every day, and even if I don't hit the "post" button the first writing, at least I will have written something that day. Life is changing quickly for me emotionally, physically and spiritually. The best time to write don't you think?
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Is believing in one true god bring peace to our world?
I am slowly coming into my own and it is frightening and exciting at the same time. As I begin living by my own truth it is setting off uncomfortable situations. People don't know what is going on. And when I stand up for myself and say "no" when I mean no, I feel shaky inside and afraid of the confrontation that may come of it. I am not used to being true to myself. How can I when I have only just begun to get to know myself? What I like, what type of things I find interesting or want to learn about. My spiritual truth continues to grow stronger and more difficult to ignore or push down as well.
God is a name that I, like most people, learned to call the Creator of the world. For years I have tried to believe in the God of the bible. Went to church, forced myself to be around people I did not fit in with but because I had gotten close to and loved, continued to try and force myself to believe in their God. But since I have let go of that agony and rid myself of heaven and hell. I have been freed up to live my life according to what my own truth or truths are. As I grow confident in my own opinions and self, my spiritual beliefs continue to change and expand. I respect my friends and all people's beliefs for themselves and wish it could be reciprocated by Christian friends, but it doesn't seem to work out that way. I respect them for standing up for their beliefs but do not see a loving and accepting God in their judgment of those of us who do not believe as they do. I do not see the true teachings of Jesus in their daily walk or treatment of others. This is not true of all Christians, but many that I have come in contact with. But this is true of all walks of faiths isn't it? We are all responsible to live as close to our beliefs as humanly possible.
I am accepted if I believe in the Christian God. But not accepted if I believe in pagan Gods or other spiritual paths. I am expected to believe in God, but not a God of my choice. Why not? Because I did not trust my God when she/he approached me I have allowed others to tell me what truth is. This is the same in other areas of my life. Allowing others to define who I am or am not. So many doubts. So much fear caused by people pleasing. But as I have said in previous blogs, people pleasing has to stop and that means stop in ALL areas of my life. I am happy to share that this is happening, slowly but happening just the same.
I feel free now to be who I am. I am studying and reading about paganism. I want to learn everything I can. Just as I want to study Buddhism and Hinduism and other walks of faith. There are so many spiritual paths in our world. And yet some would say I was going to hell for believing and practicing my own religion. But the Creator of the universe is bringing women into my life who encourage me to be true to myself, even those who do not share the same beliefs. I have also been blessed to have people of the same faith beginning to come into my life.
If all people were allowed to follow and have their own Gods and religions and we all accepted one another for who we are and not what we believe just think how peaceful and loving our world would be. But again that is none of my business. I have no control over what others think, only what I think.
I am finally being brought to sanity. I am being given the courage to live life as I feel inspired. I know the woman I want to become and my God is helping me to become her. I know I will have many new friends on this journey. It is cool to be eclectic; I can take what makes sense to me from all types of spiritual paths and leave the rest without fear or guilt.
Yes, old ideas and brain washing come back time to time, however now I have tools to push them away and move forward in my personal journey. I may not believe in "One true God", but I do believe there is a power greater than myself that brought this universe to being. And I love what my husband says; God comes to each of us in a way it knows we can come to it. Or him if you prefer. There is an energy that is a part of us all and when we are open to it and willing to tap into it, we become a part of it. We are a part of it. When I think of death I see my spirit, the energy within, returning to the universal power, free and joyful. This brings me inner peace.
Each morning I ask for courage and strength from my higher power to face whatever comes that day. Whether it is something out of my control or a consequence for yesterdays actions. At night I thank him for all the blessings I have in my life. This too brings me peace and a sense of well being. It is creating a personal relationship with the spirit within. It is bringing me closer to who I am and who I want to become. A spiritual being. A woman of love and peace. My own woman of faith.
God is a name that I, like most people, learned to call the Creator of the world. For years I have tried to believe in the God of the bible. Went to church, forced myself to be around people I did not fit in with but because I had gotten close to and loved, continued to try and force myself to believe in their God. But since I have let go of that agony and rid myself of heaven and hell. I have been freed up to live my life according to what my own truth or truths are. As I grow confident in my own opinions and self, my spiritual beliefs continue to change and expand. I respect my friends and all people's beliefs for themselves and wish it could be reciprocated by Christian friends, but it doesn't seem to work out that way. I respect them for standing up for their beliefs but do not see a loving and accepting God in their judgment of those of us who do not believe as they do. I do not see the true teachings of Jesus in their daily walk or treatment of others. This is not true of all Christians, but many that I have come in contact with. But this is true of all walks of faiths isn't it? We are all responsible to live as close to our beliefs as humanly possible.
I am accepted if I believe in the Christian God. But not accepted if I believe in pagan Gods or other spiritual paths. I am expected to believe in God, but not a God of my choice. Why not? Because I did not trust my God when she/he approached me I have allowed others to tell me what truth is. This is the same in other areas of my life. Allowing others to define who I am or am not. So many doubts. So much fear caused by people pleasing. But as I have said in previous blogs, people pleasing has to stop and that means stop in ALL areas of my life. I am happy to share that this is happening, slowly but happening just the same.
I feel free now to be who I am. I am studying and reading about paganism. I want to learn everything I can. Just as I want to study Buddhism and Hinduism and other walks of faith. There are so many spiritual paths in our world. And yet some would say I was going to hell for believing and practicing my own religion. But the Creator of the universe is bringing women into my life who encourage me to be true to myself, even those who do not share the same beliefs. I have also been blessed to have people of the same faith beginning to come into my life.
If all people were allowed to follow and have their own Gods and religions and we all accepted one another for who we are and not what we believe just think how peaceful and loving our world would be. But again that is none of my business. I have no control over what others think, only what I think.
I am finally being brought to sanity. I am being given the courage to live life as I feel inspired. I know the woman I want to become and my God is helping me to become her. I know I will have many new friends on this journey. It is cool to be eclectic; I can take what makes sense to me from all types of spiritual paths and leave the rest without fear or guilt.
Yes, old ideas and brain washing come back time to time, however now I have tools to push them away and move forward in my personal journey. I may not believe in "One true God", but I do believe there is a power greater than myself that brought this universe to being. And I love what my husband says; God comes to each of us in a way it knows we can come to it. Or him if you prefer. There is an energy that is a part of us all and when we are open to it and willing to tap into it, we become a part of it. We are a part of it. When I think of death I see my spirit, the energy within, returning to the universal power, free and joyful. This brings me inner peace.
Each morning I ask for courage and strength from my higher power to face whatever comes that day. Whether it is something out of my control or a consequence for yesterdays actions. At night I thank him for all the blessings I have in my life. This too brings me peace and a sense of well being. It is creating a personal relationship with the spirit within. It is bringing me closer to who I am and who I want to become. A spiritual being. A woman of love and peace. My own woman of faith.
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