2013, A Year of Triumph.

I missed it. Where did 2013 go? One day I was wrapping gifts and proud of myself because I was ahead of the game this year. Even got my cards out the day after Thanksgiving. I was so puffed up with pride. Now I am sitting on the couch realizing in two days it will be Christmas Eve. I am ready outwardly for my son and his girlfriend to come celebrate the holiday. However, inwardly I am in turmoil trying to register the end of the year is only days away. I cannot believe how quickly the year has flown by. It seems to me that everything in this world is fleeting. Everything we do and use is done with haste; a sense of urgency. No one wants to wait, who has the time?

Where are we in a hurry to get to? Why are we so impatient with each other? More and more people are becoming desensitized to others. We are becoming a rude, impatient society who cares only for ourselves. How much we can attain in how short a time. Then we get what we thought we wanted so badly only to lay it aside for something bigger and faster. For me, I just want to sit back and take my time with something. Anything. But it doesn't work that way. It isn't so easy. I get an idea to do one thing only to be thinking about another project I would like to do, or a topic I would like to learn about. Some folks call this Attention Deficit Disorder, me I call it creativism gone wild.

It is time to sit down quietly with myself and look at what I would like to accomplish in the coming year. Not resolutions mind you, just plain old goals. First I will look back over the last year and see what I accomplished, what I may have done better or differently and in what ways have I grown emotionally and spiritually. Its not always easy to look at oneself, but if you want to grow as a person, you need to know what can be changed to get you closer to the person you would like to be. I am still trying to figure out who I want to become; who I believe I think I am. I only hope I know before I become senile and forget, this is one life time I do not want to repeat!

This last year has been one of self talk. Self evaluation and honesty. No longer running from myself, my past mistakes or errors. I have allowed myself with my husband's encouragement, to look at the accomplishments of the months past. To see the positive accomplishments. I have walked through many fears and self doubts. I have become honest with my spiritual doubts and grown in my emotional struggles. In all parts of my life this year I have gotten closer to who I think I want to become. Of course I am not so naïve as to think  it won't change next week. Heck, it could change tomorrow. I will read an article, hear something and think, wait a minute, I like that! I think I will work towards that. I am as fickle as anyone can be. I change in a matter of seconds sometimes. But through it all I learn more about Cathie and what she is about.

Today I was so proud of myself. I wanted a latte, went to the store. I was standing there for a bit while the lady at the register was banging on the register trying to void out an earlier transaction. Then with frustration she asked if she could help me. I placed my order and she went back to trying to figure out how to close out the previous order so she could place mine. I realized that I really wasn't sure I wanted this lady to make my latte. I wasn't convinced it was going to come out well. I did something I am sure other women have done without a blink, I stated I would come back later, and walked away. She tried to stop me but I yelled back, that's ok, I will return at a later time. Not a big deal huh? But it was for me. I am the people pleaser remember. But NO MORE! I felt bad for the lady behind the counter, but good for me. I didn't want the drink from the frustrated lady and got up the courage to leave before it was too late. I had stuck up for what I wanted. Or in this case, what I did not want. I am always concerned about he other person's feelings or needs. But not this time. I am finally practicing what I am learning watching women of stronger convictions live out their lives. Not in a rude kind of way, but with self-confidence and conviction.

The only way to change is to change. No easy way. No one is going to do it for me. I just have to walk through the uncomfortable feelings, the fears and self doubts. You know, the voices in our heads that tell us we aren't good enough to get what we desire. No more will I allow these lying voices to direct my life. I am going to create new voices. I am going to meet new people in my life; fun people, smart people, risk takers. To do this, I have to become the person I want to hang out with. And I am slowly doing just that.

I  like to believe I am a fun person to do things with. I just need to learn new things so I will be more knowledgeable about topics I find interesting. Or find out where I can meet people with the same interests. I can be that lady who belongs to a group of old ladies sitting around talking while they knit. Or a lady that belongs to a club where none of us know what we are doing but are enjoying ourselves just the same. I can't wait for retirement to do these things. In this day and age I am not sure I will live long enough to retire! So I may as well accept the fact that I will have to work my social life around my job. I will not have the luxury of enjoying myself at retirement.  I will have to get up the energy to meet with people after work or weekends. There has got be more women out there who are in the same boat as myself; wanting to enjoy socializing with other ladies with the same interests, yet cannot do it during the day  due to having jobs. I cannot be the only woman out there who has to work in her senior years. I don't want to wait until I cannot knit anymore or do other things due to arthritis settling in. I need to do it now. Therefore I better end here and do some web searching to see where all these ladies are. And find out what type of groups or classes we have here in town that are not during the day.

Will the Real Cathie Please Stand Up

So,  I got all my shopping done for the holiday only to come home and find the list for my Secret Santa and saw realized there were other items I could have gotten her. So I will no doubt be out shopping this week. I do this every year; think I am done only to feel I needed to do more or buy something different. There is that people pleasing in me again. Worrying about what my co-workers will think of my gifts. Funny though, they are no doubt thinking the same thing. I find as I share my insecurities or concerns with others, that they too, have the same concerns and self-doubts. Why do we always feel we are alone in our feelings, worries, self-doubts etc. Why are we so afraid to just be who we are and enjoy the process of becoming who we were created to be? It is my goal to continue working on accepting who I am today and changing only what I believe needs to be changed in myself, not to please others. To learn who I am and leave behind who others think I am or should be.

Perhaps it is a midlife crisis. This sense of wanting to do so many things I haven't. Or things I never thought I could. There is this creative part of me that is growing stronger within. I want to knit my first sweater, cross-stitch my first Christmas cards. Learn to sew more outfits, perhaps even create my own personal wardrobe. And most important. I want to surround myself with creative, fun people who are enjoying learning new things as much as I do. People who are not afraid to fail or make mistakes. I want to laugh more and have stimulating conversations about interesting subjects. No more sullen, boring acquaintances. Life is too short. I used to believe I should be happy to have  anyone like me or want me as a friend. Now I believe I can decide who I want to surround myself with. I get to decide if someone is worth my time and worthy of hanging out with on a regular basis. Does this sound arrogant? Its not meant to. When you spend your whole life trying to make everyone around you happy and trying to be accepted by the people who will never accept you unless you do as they wish, it is rewarding to realize one day you are worthy of more than you had ever believed you were.

When it really hits you that this is the only life you are going to have on this earth in this life time, it changes your perspective on life. Suddenly it becomes very important that you do as much as you can without comparing your life to others lives. My focus is no longer on what others are doing or can do that I cannot. It is on what can I do with what I have?

So that being said. I will close this blog for now and get on my cross-stitch project so I can finish at least one darn Christmas card this weekend. I am not naïve. I know the thoughts shared above will not always be easy to live out on a daily basis. I know there will be days and moments when I will fall back on the old Cathie and her doubts. But it is my hope that these moments will be less frequent as more creative, encouraging women come into my life. I have a new found hope and I am not going to let it escape me. I may not have another chance.

Lesson from Baking Christmas Cookies

Ok, another "bucket list" mark off. Bake Christmas cookies. Real ones that you cut out shapes. Yes, that is correct, I have never made actual Christmas shaped cookies. So now they are in the refrigerator chilling. The recipe calls for three hours but a lady friend told me she only does it for 30 minutes, so I am compromising and chilling mine for 1 1/2 hours. I said I was baking cookies, I did not say they would be eatable!

So I started getting the ingredients out as the directions called for them. But when I started with the flour I suddenly remembered I hadn't wrapped my husbands gift and he was out picking up a few groceries, so I stopped what I was doing and got to wrapping his gift. After that was done I went back to the kitchen to proceed with the recipe when I realized I couldn't find the measuring spoons! I looked for sometime growing more and more frustrated, even looked in the closet where the wrapping paper was thinking perhaps I had left them in there when I grabbed the paper. No. Frantically I went back to the kitchen and remembered I had to heat the oven and there they were the whole time, on top of the stove. "Really" I muttered grabbing them and feeling quite stupid.

Proceeding with the recipe I went to the cupboard to grab the baking powder and didn't see it. So I checked in the refrigerator where I had kept it in the past and could not find it the refrigerator was so full. So of course the next step in the recipe was, clean out the refrigerator real quick so I could find the baking powder, a less full kitchen and few minutes later I still did not find the baking powder. Growing more agitated I went back to the cupboard and realized I had not bothered to look behind the spices where of course I found the baking powder. Feeling somewhat less agitated I went back to following the directions.

As I was putting in the ingredients I thought about my blog. I hadn't written in a while and I was due for a post. I wondered if perhaps I could share my baking experience as my last few posts had been so deep and serious. It was time for something light hearted. I continued to put together the ingredients and my thoughts starting running together.I decided I would relax when it came to my blog and allow the Spirit of God to guide my words After putting the doe in the refrigerator and sitting down to begin my blog I suddenly realized  I was heating the oven too soon. Here I was feeling proud of myself earlier for remembering that small detail and had not thought about it heating for an hour and half. Oh well I forgave myself and shut the darn thing off. And here I am ready to begin this weeks blog.

It is funny how each of us have our own niche in life. Baking is not mine. Though I enjoy it, I find I enjoy writing much more. It seems more natural to me than trying to follow directions in a recipe and putting all the ingredients together. I do the same with my spiritual walk. I go from one book or person to another gathering all different views on who they believe God is and His will for us and trying to grasp the end result, faith. While I was baking I came to the realization that it may have been easier if I had gotten all the ingredients together first then start putting it together one ingredient at a time. What if I did this on my faith journey? Take it one piece at time and then begin putting it together. Step 1, pray. Step 2 read a spiritual book, maybe even the bible with an open mind? Step 3, sit back and think about what I just read. What did it mean to me? What could God be saying to me? As I was reading the Book of John I gave myself permission to underline and write my thoughts on particular verses that stood out to me. For the first time I was not afraid to be wrong. So what if what I thought in one verse would be proven wrong in a verse further on in the book? Isn't that what learning is about? Questioning, searching then deciding? It isn't like I am going to share these thoughts with anyone; this time my faith is between God and me, at least for now. I am trusting  my Creator fully to guide me in my faith. Just as I believe my cookies will turn out delicious and full of flavor I believe my faith will turn out strong and full of inspiration!

When I embark on a new adventure or craft, I am never afraid to ask someone for their ideas or help. The same is true of this spiritual journey. Take this baking as an example. I shared what I was gong to do with a lady friend who had baked for many years. She shared what worked for her. Although I didn't follow her way exactly, I did take it into consideration and compromised. The same with my faith.

Now notice something here. I did not go to someone who had never baked for suggestions on baking. I went to someone who had baked for several years, someone who had positive results. The same goes for my faith journey. I do not go to people whose lives do not appear spiritual to me. They may talk about what they believe as people who never baked, may share what they believe I might try. No, I meet with those whose lives show God's love in the way they live and treat others. I go to those who have what I want in my relationship with God and in the way I want to live my life. I take what they share and I ponder on it. Then I come to some kind of balance that works for me.

Now, just because I try something a different way, like instead of the three hours the recipe calls for, I try thirty minutes as my friend suggested; does not mean my cookies will turn out good. I may find that the way she does it is the way that is right. Or perhaps the directions the recipe in the book says to do it would make my cookies turn out right. But I won't know until I try it out. Same with faith. What my Christian friends believe and share with me may turn out to be correct; or perhaps what my friends of other spiritual paths may be right. Then again, the "book" I read may turn out to be true. But in all cases, it is by searching, pondering and trying it out; living the way the book tells me, (following the directions), that I will find out what works the best, what makes better cookies, and what makes me a better person. A more joyful peaceful woman of the God of my understanding.

Well the timer went off a bit ago but I couldn't stop writing. So now I have chilled almost two hours. So I will go follow the rest of the directions and then come back to this post.

Now I know why I have never made Christmas Cookies. The batter was horrible. I got to wrapping presents and went past the three hour mark. When I could not get the batter out of the bowl I decided I didn't want to make them anymore so I threw it in the garbage. I don't enjoy all the work that goes into making little cookies that will be gone in no time and forgotten. Is this what my faith is like? When it takes up too much of my time or too difficult to understand I give up on it all together?

My friend that chills her doe for 30 minutes may just know what she is talking about. but I am not going to try it to see. I will just take her word for it.

Well, I am exhausted from all the preparation for the unbaked cookies, wrapping a bunch of gifts. The day is over and it feel wasted. Nothing to show for my efforts. At least I can see what I cross-stich. Lets just say baking Christmas cookies is not my thing. Now eating them, well that is another story! My thing right now is take a nap and then start on my cross-stitch.

Bringing excitement and fun into your life by learning new things!

I would like to share how alive learning can make a person feel. When I learn something new, not only is it exciting for me, but it also builds up my self-confidence . It shows me I am still teachable and able to learn new things if I am truly interested. That is the clincher; it has to be something I have an interest in or passion for. I didn't know how much I enjoy the computer and learning programs. It is frustrating for sure when I cannot figure it out, and the insecure Cathie wants to shut down and give up, "its too difficult", but the stronger side, the advernturous side says, "You go girl, you are going to do this if it kills you." Of course there is a chance I could learn all these things only to get dementia and have to relearn it! Seriously, it is nice to know you can continue to pick up new hobbies and interests even as you grow into your Senior Years. It takes more energy and concentration, lets face it, as we age we don't retain as much information as quickly as when we were younger, nor do we learn as quickly. But it does keep our minds sharp and life worth getting up for each day.

 So tonight I am excited to share that I now have three top priorities for the next month. I found a book of Cross-Stitch Christmas Ornaments to make.  I love to Cross-Stitch so why not use it for something other than putting into a drawer somewhere. Why do I do that anyway? Spend hours and hours on a beautiful cross-stitch piece only for it to end up in a forgotten place. Doesn't say much about how good or bad I think it is. So now I have a piece I made for my husband (who did nothing with it), and I am going to take it to a craft store and they are going to frame it. My first step to saying what I do is important! The first week of the new year I am going to get it framed!! I will even mark it on my calendar.

OK, back to my priorities. Priority #1. I am going to make my co-workers and friends Christmas ornaments. That is about 15. They are little and if I do one each night I should be able to accomplish this goal. Of course it is almost 8:30pm and I have done nothing on this project. However! That leads me to priority #2. Study my new Windows 8.1 computer and how to get around LinkedIn. An acquaintance who teaches a course on Power Point sent me her Power Point demonstration to help me learn it! Tonight I spent a little over an hour reading and practicing moving around my new PC and am loving it. It is overwhelming but once I figure something out I get so excited. My self-confidence grows and I feel really good about Cathie.


Oh Priority #3 was to get back on this blog and stick to it. I ran away for a short time, but I'm back. No more quitting. I was starting to read other blogs and comparing mine and of course I couldn't compare with such good writers so I froze. But I thawed and will continue to read and learn. On the side I am practicing writing short stories for kids.  My Aunt on my husbands side has encouraged me for years now to write. She just this month suggested I write one short story a month. I am thinking about my grand-niece and nephew and how much fun it would be for them to read a story about some adventure they had on their sailboat or some other made up adventure. I am finding that when I discipline myself and make myself sit down and write, I actually love making up stories for kids!

What I am learning with the blogging and stories is that writing takes work. It takes discipline and perseverance. If it does anything for me, it will help me grow in these areas that, to be honest, I am weak in. I am NOT a disciplined woman, nor have I been known to persevere. I envy others that just seem to know what they want and go for it, allowing nothing to get in their way. They ooze with self-confidence and determination. I am going for those two qualities, determination and perseverance. Time to stop procrastinating and acting on impulse and start planning and sticking to the plans.

I can work on ornaments during my half hour lunch since it is too cold this week to go to my car. I can work on writing in the morning before work and after work the computer program learning. Who needs to relax? Who has time? I have spent way too much of my years "relaxing". for me it has become just another term for lazy. From now on, new rules. One night a week to catch up on favorite shows. The rest of the week is for studying, crafts and maybe a game with my husband. My husband is on board with it. "There's nothing to watch anymore" he says. I agree.

Well, I see I need to continue working on staying on the main topic. What was it anyway? Oh yes, my new priorities. Christmas ornaments and learning. But now it is time for hot chocolate and a good book. I am at the moment reading "Mrs. Lincoln's Dressmaker" for next month Book Club. Very interesting. I also started reading "The Book Thief", looks good.

Finding Hope and Trust in a Father's Love.

Well, as I have shared in previous blogs, my struggle with faith continues. However this past week something began to take shape. Something I am not familiar with. Something I had no idea I lacked until recently. That something is called Hope. Who would know that at 57, instead of being filled with wisdom and a life of peace and contentment, I would instead be on an adventure filled with so many, I would never have believed this could happen!

It starts out sad really and I will share how it came about. But first I have to be honest and tell you I am scared out of my mind to share this experience. But I promised myself and readers (should any begin to show up), that I would be open and honest on my journey as a woman first, a senior citizen second, who DOES NOT have it all together.

I have to share a first before I get too serious. Last week we had our company party and I can check off another "I wish I could do that" and say instead, I can't believe I did that! I got up and sang Tina Turner's Proud Mary with my husband as back up singer. No we were not drunk. But I was counting on everyone else in the room to be, let me just say. Anyway, I did her dance like I remembered years ago. Surprise! My boss couldn't believe it and couldn't stop telling me how good I was and how people kept coming up to her and asking if she knew I could sing that good. (I know, they were all drunk, but let me have my moment). It was the best night in a long time. The first time I had so much fun in a long time. I was beaming as I limped to our hotel room. The aches and pains in my joints was worth the feeling of accomplishment and pride I felt for the first time in years. My husband was such a good sport and I knew he had my back that night. Anyway, back to the important message I believe God was trying to convey to me this week.

I was getting ready for bed and without anything triggering these thoughts they just started popping into my head. Here they are:

I want to be a child protected by her father, a father who adores me. A father who calls me his little princess, his most cherished angel. Or the little girl sitting on her daddy's lap and as she reads her first words from a story book she smiles as he says, "you are such a smart little girl, I am so proud."

I want to be a little girl who knows what it is like to be able to run into her daddy's arms after falling off her bike because she knows he will hug her close and let her know it will be ok, he will fix her cuts and help her try again.

I want to be the young teenager going on her first date and having her dad's protective arm around her as he warns the young man "you take care of my little girl, keep her safe." or the young woman who see's the shimmer of tears in her father's eyes as she heads off to college. Again hearing him choke back the tears as he tells her "I am just a phone call away. I am so proud of you."
And last, I want to be that young woman whose father reminds her the night before her wedding, "I will always be your daddy, and you will always be my little girl."

I don't know why these thoughts came to mind that night. I hadn't been doing any journaling or soul searching. Things had been really stressful at work, dealing with a bully.

But my inner spirit kept telling me there was something else going on. I had begun to turn to God for guidance and trying to trust there even was a "God" who cared about people, about me, personally. But haven't been able to wrap my head around the whole virgin birth, resurrection stuff. So I had decided to throw all that out and just go back to the beginning. The beginning when I didn't know about all these rules you had to obey in order to spend eternity with God and avoid hell. I don't care about that right now. The only thing I have been desiring of late is a personal relationship with God, whoever, whatever God is. I am trusting God to tell me what he wants me to know about him. And this means I have to be open to all avenues he may use to speak to me. And my life experience has been that God speaks through people, thoughts, feelings and many other avenues. We just have to be open to it. We have to be honest with ourselves and accept the fact that sometimes we just don't know. That is where I had finally gotten. I had surrendered trying so hard to know everything. Studying so hard to learn everything. I just quit one day and said, "Its all up to you God." And I stopped going to church and bible studies and back to the basics. Either God is or He isn't. I choose He is. And that is good enough for today. Ok, back to the story at hand. This is what I believe was happening.

God gave me those words that night because he wanted me to see Him as my father. He wanted me to face the hurt and pain of what I didn't have so I would realize there is a father who does care, who does cherish me. There is a father who wants to keep me safe, to protect me from the dangers of this horrible world. But like an earthly father, that isn't always possible. Sometimes a dad has to allow his daughter to make her own mistakes, suffer her own pain and yes, sometimes a father cannot save his daughter from harm or death. But what a good father can do is love his child unconditionally and passionately as his cherished angel. Not all of us have been blessed with loving, protective dads, quite the opposite for a lot of us. But that doesn't mean we can't know a father's love. We just have to be willing to take that leap, very huge leap, of faith. And that means overcoming the fear of trusting and of having hope.

God is this father. He helped me to see that night that I was not alone. I was not having to fight this fight alone. All I had to do is be willing to take a leap of faith and trust that he is real and cares about what I am going through. That although I cannot always know for certain of his existence, I could still have hope. I just needed to take a risk and trust. For those of you who have painful pasts, you know the great difficulty this can be, how huge such a small word can be. However, as I look over my life, I see many situations where I should have been killed, yet here I sit typing and feeling sharing what I never thought I would ever share "out there". 

I decided the next morning I would take an honest look backwards and see where God "may have been," and where I was. I was willing to be completely honest and just let me say, that was not easy. Nor is it easy to admit here that I had done some pretty awful things, and it was always when life did not go my way and I left God. Or something would happen that I didn't find fair, so like a little girl, I would throw a tantrum and pout. But the one thing I just recently learned was, no matter how much faith I thought I had in years past, I never had hope. And for me, if there isn't hope, there isn't faith. So that was where I had to start. I had to be willing to have just a little bit of hope and see what happened. And yes, I was scared out of my mind. Afraid nothing would happen. that again I would be disappointed when the "father didn't show up." But I didn't give up this time. And I believe that my perseverance and self honesty led me to that night this week where I could face the hurt little girl and let her go. Let her go and allow the big girl to develop a new relationship with a new father.

 No longer leaning on others faith for strength, but on my own. No longer trying to "find the right god" so I could be "the good Christian.". No, God was showing me these things didn't matter right now. Right now all that mattered was I take that small leap of faith and trust in him.

So once again the big question began to haunt me. How could I trust a God loved me with all that had happened? How could I trust in a God's love with all the tragedies going on in the world? How could I believe in something that made absolutely no sense?  But that inner voice was beginning to teach me new things. First of all, I didn't have to make sense of all these doubts right now. Secondly, I didn't have to concern myself with the worlds ugliness, that was God's business. Right now the only business of mine was to keep my eyes on him and what he was beginning to do within me.

Again those words came to mind, Hope and Trust. Was I really ready to Let Go and Let God as I have heard others say over the years but never really understood? So many "what ifs" come flooding in when I am close to taking that leap. And yet, that night I could hear God's quiet voice tell me, 'I can be that father you dreamed of, that father you always wanted, just take that leap into my protective arms, let me show you." And like the little girl who stood at the end of the diving board looking down at her daddy, trusting him yet still afraid, I took that jump, I leaped.

I don't know what the days ahead will reveal. I don't even know if I am closer to the truth or not. I only know that I have a serenity right now that I do not want to let go of. I do not have the energy any longer to keep fighting and questioning and searching. I am too old. I just want to accept what I have come to believe is a message from God and leave it at that. What or who does it hurt?

Does this mean I know who or what God is? No. Do I care? No. This is between me and God. And I have the trust today, that I will come to believe what God chooses me to believe about Him. (I use Him because it is easier that constantly having to say he/it).

It was a shock to learn I had never had hope in anything or anyone. But knowing that helped me to look at it and take a risk and hope. Hope for a personal relationship with God. Just God and me. Now it is late and God or no God, I still have to get my sleep.