What if I am wrong?

Sometimes we have to stand up for what is true to ourselves. This past week I found it can cause ill feelings on my part when I do. I am new at disagreeing with strong personalities. My self doubts come flying into the front of my brain like a bunch of little gnats. And a few days later I am still feeling like that little girl who did something wrong and everyone is going to turn against her. That her friends will go away. This isn't easy to share but it is true and must be. I had a strong disagreement earlier in the week and it has brought about strong insecurities and even anger in me. I am feeling like that little girl who was picked on and felt ugly and stupid. Thankfully it is not as strong since I called a friend and talked it out. But it did get me thinking, when am I going to grow up?

When does maturity really begin and what is it? How do we determine when someone is acting like a mature adult or when they are being silly and immature? Can I disagree with what someone believes and not pout or feel negative about myself? I suppose it just takes time and sticking close to friends who are changing and growing themselves. Friends who will let me know I am over reacting or not a bad person for standing up for what I need. Its just that those strong personality types are so darn intimidating to me. I want everyone to like me and not feel negative about me because I disagreed with them or don't want to do what they think I should. That is so unrealistic and immature. I don't like everyone I meet or know and that's OK. But it is not OK for you to dislike me. This I understand and see very clearly is the immature side of me. I am so happy I have people in my life today who love me in spite of my childish behavior at times. It is called unconditional love. Something I am not used to.

I thought being a "grown up" just happened as you got older. I didn't know you had to work at it. I thought that by now I would be a mature individual who no longer acted childish or felt like a child. Someone who no longer cared what other people thought of her. I envy those who say they really don't care what other people think. As a matter of fact I have heard some say, "its none of my business what others think about me." That makes no sense to me at all. Of course its my business, its me they are thinking badly of! Or are they? My ego is so big sometimes. I think everyone is looking at me and thinking these things. Hell, I can be walking my dog and sense people looking out their windows thinking, "poor thing, doesn't have any friends to walk with her." OK, that's an exaggeration, I used to believe that, but not so much now. Maybe I am growing some.

What does it take to grow up? I am running out of time. I want to feel secure, confident and know who my God is and I want it yesterday! When I am at work I want to feel confident about who I am and not allow co-workers define who I am by  their negative actions or words. But it has to come from within myself first. Positive confidence is something I must gain myself. It cannot come from others. A personal God has to be from within, I cannot take someone else's.  But how do you get it?

Each day I am meditating on a daily reading. I take something that means something to me, write it in my planner for that day and look at it throughout that day. I started a couple weeks ago and it is helping  little by little. I also try to have time each day where I sit and quiet myself as much as possible and see if God speaks to me. I try to accept it when I do not get a thought or answer. It will come later through a reading, something someone says or perhaps even from just walking and suddenly having a thought pop into my head. You just never know how God will speak or come to you. My difficulty is trusting in my God. Trusting that what I believe or come to believe is OK. That I will not go to hell because I do not believe as others do. Or that because I do not share your belief I must be wrong. Why do I always assume I am wrong and everyone else is right? Where does that come from I wonder.

Having my my own opinion or idea and then sharing or acting on it is not something that comes easily to me. I feel confident and happy while I am doing sharing a thought or opinion, however, when alone later on, all the doubts and insecurities come flooding in and I critique everything I said and think about all the things I should have said or not said. Lately I have slowly begun to trust my new friends when they say, Cathie you are OK. What you shared was great. You are smart and creative. These are things I must start believing and living by. And I am trying. I am little by little going outside my comfort zone and forcing myself to do things I am self-conscious about or afraid. Like this week. I put a gym bag together with shorts, socks, t-shirt and yes, a bathing suit. I am going to throw it into the car and have it handy for that day after work when I get the courage to go the rec center to exercise or get into the pool. I love to be in the water. I love to swim. There is an opportunity to do these things I love, it is my lack of confidence and fear of what others at the pool will think that stops me. That little girl everyone laughed in elementary school and even at home,  comes forward and suddenly I am feeling embarrassed and self-conscious about my body. Especially now that it is wrinkled and has these new funny looking pumps and lines. And of course we can't forget the sagging skin between the boobs now can we? I can't believe I am now one of the "seniors" at the pool. Someone who that young person at the desk looks at and thinks, "Lady, you belong in the senior center." See, there I go again, believing I know what that person is thinking. Ego, all about me. When in reality they are probably thinking about themselves and own problems and could care less about what I am doing, they just want the money and for me to go away.

Well, this post probably isn't one of my best, but I was feeling kind of alone and sad after this disagreement I had earlier in the week and thought, why don't I blog. It always makes me feel better. I wish I could find a writers group to help me do a better job with this blog, but that will come soon enough I am sure.

So for those of you who have managed to read this far, thanks. I hope it made a little bit of sense to you. I know it helped me get it out. Later I will join my group of friends and know I will come home feeling positive and happy again. And when I go back to work in the morning, hopefully I will continue to practice minding my own business and focusing on the little phrase I find to help my thinking for that day. Maybe I will even call a friend during lunch! My goodness, how did I get along without these friends all this time? Trusting can be very difficult for me; but it is worth the doubts and risks of sharing how I feel, so I can experience the love and acceptance I am receiving in spite of myself. Life is good when you think about all the things you can do instead of the things you can no longer do. So, my goal this week will be to go to the rec center and just do something, even if it is walking around the track for a while. Just take that first baby step and walk through those doors. Believe me, if I do you will be reading about it!

Cancer be Dammed, I want Hormones!

Ok, I surrender. I have had enough of being "natural" and letting menopause run its course. Enough is enough. Its course is about to hurt someone or send me to jail! And its not just for me. I am doing this for those I live with and work with as well. They too have suffered. How many husbands have made an innocent comment only to have their wife suddenly hit them with the closest available item? Then five minutes later listen to that same woman cry over not knowing what is wrong with her? Then being the sweet understanding, (and rather naive) husband, you put your arms around her to comfort her and again say the wrong words, only to be lashed out at again. Thus begins the vicious emotional roller coaster of hormone insanity. Not to mention the constant hot flashes. I just love it when  co-workers ask, "Cathie why is your face so red, are you having a hot flash?" No you silly woman, I am turning beat red with sweat poring down my face because I am working so hard at this paperwork! First of all why would anyone ask such a personal question and second of all why would they risk their lives?  Don't they realize those of us in menopause are lethal human beings? That at any given moment we can explode and unleash venomous rages at them?

I did not know, nor was it explained to me just how bad going through menopause would be,  And its not just the physical discomfort, the tiredness and inability to concentrate. But the emotional up and downs as well. My poor husband never knows from one moment to the next what will set me off into a rage. I have been ready to pack up my things I don't know how many times because he is so irritating or pisses me off so badly. I just want to get away from this man who doesn't know when keep his mouth shut. I just think I will pack up and move in with a friend who isn't so irritating. But as I am packing (in my mind) I begin to calm down and realize and ask myself, how long will it be before this friend also begins to say or do stupid things that will cause me to blow up? So I will not only lose a good man but all my friends one by one as well.

Its just not safe to be around menopausal women. And I can tell you right now, if you are one of those women who "didn't have any trouble at all going through menopause", you had better be smart and not tell that to the rest of us. We will take you by the hair on your heads and drag you down the street tarred and feathered! It is not smart nor nice to rub that in our faces as we sit there with our fans sweating to death. I wonder how many women are sitting in jail simply because they refused to take hormone replacement therapy. Oh my goodness, I just thought of something. Can you imagine being a guard watching over a group of women in the "yard" who happen to be menopausal but unable to get hormone therapy? That is just trouble waiting to happen! Watching over menopause and PMS ladies, yeah, that's where I want to work. NOT

So, a few weeks ago I swallowed my pride and saw my doctor and agreed to try the hormone replacement therapy. Its only been a couple weeks but finally three days ago I realized the hot flashes were nearly non-existent, my husband was back to being his nice cute self again and the people at work were finally tolerable to work around. Funny how taking hormones can change other people as well isn't it?
And another great thing is I am once again sleeping through the night, and my energy level is back up. So I am no longer spending time lying on the couch or stressing over things I have no control over. OK, maybe a little. But I'm not raging and throwing things so that's a start. I wonder how much road rage would decrease if more women took hormones. Just a thought.

I still don't understand the women who say these were the best years of their lives, maybe it will take a few more months to get to that point. All I can say at this moment is I am so happy I listened to a few friends who kept telling me to go on hormones and quit listening to the Nay-Sayers about cancer risks. Cancer risks are all around us people.

Hey, maybe one day I will wake up and find out I no longer have a mustache or little hairs popping up all over my face!! Don't you hate that? You go to the bathroom at work and when you look in the mirror you notice a hair that is a foot long just hanging off your chin or side of your face and your husband, if you have one, hasn't said anything? I want to shoot him as soon as I get home. And he says something ridiculous like, "I didn't notice it!" How the hell do you not see a foot long hair on the side of someone's face? I have learned the most important thing in my purse is a pair of tweezers. I carry them everywhere I go. You just don't know when or where you will be when that hair suddenly shows itself!

Women are so blessed. We get to experience life through PMS, child birth, Menopause and then dementia. But at least we have good times if lucky enough, in between. And lets be honest, it isn't easy for our husbands or boyfriends either, after all, they have to live in constant fear of what and when is something going to set us off.

Yes, I am happy to be on these hormones. I only wish I hadn't waited so long. But oh well. Can't look backwards. Just need to move forward and start looking for new interests and joys for this period in my life.