Let it begin with Me

 I am beginning a new life experience. I am excited to once again share who I was, where I've been emotionally and spiritually, and where my Mother God has lead me to. Once again the excitement to write is back. A friend' just earlier this evening inspired me to get back on this blog and write. She said I had something other people could relate to and needed to know they were not alone. And that is exactly why I started this blog. I want all of you to know those of us in our senior years are not alone and less important the younger people. Writing about my life, my experiences  not only help me to feel good about reaching out to others, but it also frees me from the shame, fears and sense of no longer being important in this age where only the young matter. I look forward to the day I begin to hear back from readers and their input and experiences as well, and how they over came insecurities and fears. I don't know who you, the reader is, and  yet I feel we know each other by our common thoughts and experiences. Lets face it. Life looks uncertain for us baby boomers. The future does not look bright and secure if you don't have a large bank account, a rich relative to leave you their house or money. But we can at least know we are not alone. That if it came to be; we will at least have one another to share our cardboard boxes on the streets.

Seriously though, where do I begin? For now all I can do is "throw up" my thoughts onto this paper and see where the words go. Trust my Mother Spirit to put the right words into the right sentence. Later I can go back and clean up the mess and move words around so they make sense and are coherent   at she directs me.

Someone asked me what type of  audience was I trying to reach? Well, being as this is my journal, it will no doubt resonate more with the older generation. How many 20 year old young ladies for instance stare in the mirror and notice more wrinkles or gray hairs that were not there the day before. I remember so clearly when this began to happen to me. I was upstairs in the bathroom brushing my teeth and when I raised up my head I noticed my eyes were more droopy than usual. My eyelids were not going back up. So I rinsed my face and thought they would be back to normal as the day went on. But to my astonishment, (horror is more like it),  I noticed later that day the droopy eye lids were still droopy! They had not risen back up. I literally screamed to my husband who was watching t.v. downstairs, "Oh my God, Steve, my eyes have fallen and they aren't going back up!" At that moment I knew I was no longer the young lady with the big pretty brown eyes. Now I had wished I had my glasses back to hide behind.

Slowly over the past two years I notice that changes to my physical body are developing on a rapid pace, almost daily. I still look good for 58, people are surprised when I tell them how old I am, (God please don't let this be kindness). It still remains a sad fact though; my body is aging. So what am I going to do? Sit down and feel sorry for myself? Continue to waste more years sitting around watching more of my life go on without my participation?  Being bombarded with ads about looking younger doesn't help my self esteem much.  I blame the media. Their subtle brain washing through ads and commercials. Have you notice how commercials for perfume, clothes, cars and jewelry all have slim beautiful women in them? And of course they have to look sexy as well. Why in the world do you have to be sexy to eat a fat, messy cheeseburger?  I mean really, the girl dong the ad probably runs to the bathroom to throw it all up. We all know we aren't going to stay slim eating a fast food cheeseburger, and we certainly aren't going to look sexy with the sauce running down our chins.  I don't know about you, but when I go out to eat, I want to enjoy my food without worrying about how I look. Commercials are telling our young population that plain over weight women don't have the right to drive a fancy car or buy nice jewelry. No, commercials for us are the Windex commercials, the detergent commercials and of course the family commercials for frozen dinners. They are not fancy restaurants and wine. They don't even use older women to advertise certain moisturizers, special skin soap or lotions, no they use a young lady who does't look a day over 20 to sell face cream to make you longer! How young does she want to look, 15? We get the depend commercials, the under pads that look like underwear. Viagra.

Maybe I am just jealous. I don't like that my hands are winkled and fingers are getting arthritic, or that I grunt when I get up from a sitting or leaning down position. But that is my reality. Each time I notice something else, like growing a mustache and having to plunk these darn hairs that come out of nowhere; and of course I don't find them until they are a foot long. Then my poor husband gets screamed at for letting me go out in public with a hair sticking out like a wart.

It is scary to know I am getting older. That it takes more effort to do the physical activities I once enjoyed without paying for it later in pain. Its not easy to be in my fifties and still not have accomplished anything worth bragging about. Instead, I am just finally learning what it is to be a healthy, respectful woman. It is still hard to stand up for myself with authoritative people, or strong personalities. The insecure little girl comes rushing back to remind me I am not suppose to talk back, I am not worthy of their respect.

 However, lately I am being blessed more and more with things that really matter. Friendships. Relationships based on healthy respect for one another. Laughing at each other's mistakes or silly thoughts. I now have women who encourage, not put down. Friends who treat me as their equal, and respect my opinions. The greatest thing about these new friendships is that they accept it when I continuously get lost trying to find the restaurant we are meeting at; or that I have no idea that some things are best left alone. They laugh "with" me; not "at" me. For the first time in my life I am not just knowing others love me; but feeling it, believing it is genuine, and that means I am really  lovable, and not because I did something for them. How cool is that. You know something else? I realized that by my insecurities, weird thinking turn out to be what attracts others. My sometimes strange antics  are the very things others find me fun and enjoyable to be around.

On the other spectrum, I have come to realize sadly, that when I back away or disappear out of fear or embarrassment, They actually miss me and are hurt that I no longer visit with them in a group we are in together. I honestly believed no one cared if I didn't show up. That I wouldn't be missed or my absence would be noticed. By meeting regularly with these new friends, I am learning through them what a healthy relationship looks like. And that healthy relationships are fun, trustworthy and honest. I do not have to agree with everything my friends or people I respect do. This is called unconditional love. What a concept. It isn't necessary to get angry in order to get a response I want; or to pout when others treat me disrespectfully. Actually I can be quite childish when I feel hurt or unimportant. I sulk and behave like a 14 year old. And look stupid in the process. But again, these friends in my life don't judge me; don't run away or scold me for being an idiot. Instead they laugh because they too have reacted in situations in the same manner.

I guess we are always evolving; growing, changing. And isn't that great? Because as we change and learn from our mistakes and wrong behavior, we become better people; we get to look in the mirror and smile because today we are a better person than we were yesterday. Each day these past few months Mother Spirit within has continually shown me and whispered to me what I need to do; and that is, to always do the right thing no matter how difficult or humbling it may be. To mend a relationship with someone I have to work with, or got into a heated disagreement with, it can even be something I just don't want to deal with out of fear of how the other person might react. Again I am reminded what the important part of change and maturity is, and that is to "Let it begin with Me". Not wait until the other person apologizes or changes to my satisfaction. No, what is right is to always do the next right thing. And to remember, It is not always about me. Boy oh boy, growing up in later life is a difficult thing. And embarrassing as well when I keep it to myself. When I share stupid or wrongful behavior I did with a trusted friend, I am told I am not alone in these reactions. I am able to laugh at my mistakes or embarrassing reactions. However that does not take away my responsibility to do the next right thing. I still have to make the amends for the harm or hurtful feeling I may have caused. Again, its living with the reminder; "Let it begin with me."

What does one do when they are "Stuck" in their Lives?

I am in "Stuck" mode. Where do I belong, fit in? Where am I suppose to be at this stage of my life? Others I know seem content to with their normal routine day in and day out. Work, go home, clean house, take a walk. Whatever it is they do in their lives. And I am one of them! It really stinks. I see myself as someone living an excited, interesting life. Learning new things, like Social Media and all it entails. Or joining a group that does fun things like going to a museum or live Play. I am not being the person I was created to be. How do I know this? Well let me tell you. Perhaps you too, will realize you are wasting the only life you have in front of the t.v. or napping on the couch after a stressful day on the job.

I visualize myself as a professional writer and speaker. That would be such fun. I also picture myself in a comic skit similar to The Carol Burnett show. I just know I would be good at it. That is, of course, if I could get up the confidence and courage to do it. Or what about belonging to a professional writer's group or book club. Not a club where you read romance novels. A book club that   that make you think, books that everyone has different opinions of. Now that would be great because I would have to actually think! Another area that is lacking in my daily life is exercise. Walking the dog around a small mobile home park is not what I would call a work out. I have great intentions, really I do. I bought a yoga mat, video on yoga for beginners, that has managed to get lost. Every night I tell myself, "Cathie, tomorrow you are going to get out of this bed (after my first cup of coffee of course), and you are going to do stretches, eat a healthy breakfast and walk the dog. Then after work you are going to do the same thing while Steve is cooking supper". And guess what. Something happens while I am asleep. Don't know what, but somehow that enthusiasm and determination is taking away in my sleep. I am as serious as a heart attack, morning comes and I can't get out of bed until my second cup of coffee and by the time I am dressed and gotten daily reading out of the way, it is time to go to work. Then, when I get home, well you understand I am sure, I am so uptight and stressed that I nibble while I watch my dear husband cook supper. This has been a regular routine for several months now. But since my birthday last month I was so determined this would be my year. So far all it has been is a repeat of last year with a few exceptions on occasion. The determination is being kidnapped while I sleep. I admire those who are disciplined and have a hard drive to accomplish things in their lives. You know the ones, maybe you are one. They faithfully get up an extra hour early to get in their exercise or run. I know a friend who gets up at 3 am to write her book! Now she is a writer. I am not willing to or just not disciplined enough to get up so early. How does one gain discipline? If someone tells me, by just doing it, I will scream. Because I know they are right. I never thought about writing a story, but maybe that would be fun.

How badly do I want a new life? Perhaps the real question would be, What am I willing to give up to accomplish these things? Not to be published or win a ribbon. But for the shear joy of feeling good about myself. That sense of accomplishment and joy I get when I finish a post. I know there are physical activities I can no longer do; but there are lots of things I can do emotionally, intellectually and even spiritually that would enhance my daily living and give my life a sense of worth. Perhaps even build confidence. Both that were robbed from me as a child.

I was talking to a friend about this subject and how I felt "stuck". Not knowing how to get out of this funk and she said matter of factually, "move ahead, do something, push on." Really? That is the advise I get?  Do something to move ahead. How the hell do I do that? I don't think she understood what I was asking. It is so easy to say what I need to do; but they leave out the most important part of the  problem, the "how to" part! Come on people, do you really think I can figure this stuff out on my own? I don't think so. But wait a minute, perhaps I do. Perhaps the answer lies deep within. I only need to trust that inner voice that says, " Do something different. Take a risk. Just do something, anything." Even if it is as simple as writing this silly post. I have nothing concrete to write about, and yet here I am, in the middle of a big thunder and lightening storm writing. I had a Star Bucks coffee with a dear friend after work. I really didn't want to go, but that voice told me to quit being so lazy and go. I am sure it was Mother Spirit directing me. I had fun and ended up hanging out with a group of people sharing where they were at and what they had been going through this week. I was glad to be back there and even got involved. Inspired to start knitting and sewing again. Well, this just goes to prove that what people have been telling me , really is all it takes. Just doing it even when I don't want to. Like that little eight year old inside me that stamps her foot and says, "I don't feel like it!"

OK, I know the answer now; the only thing stopping me from doing the things I believe I would enjoy is me. Me and all my lame excuses I find to defend my laziness. So my friends, this is my commitment and you can hold me accountable. I am going to write at least, once a week and work on it being worthy of posting. Each day I am going to do something I don't feel like doing, but would be good for me. And last, turn off the t.v.! Get out the sewing machine, yarn, whatever will help me feel alive and worthy of this life I am given. We are at the age where friends are having strokes, cancer, heart attacks. It is continuously on my mind of how much time do I really have before getting the "death sentence". And even if I were to have 10 or more years left, will I continue to waste it "relaxing" watching t.v. or playing games on my lap top instead of writing or learning something new. Creating something I can wear with pride. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do the things that create excitement and confidence in myself. Learning something new just brightens my day, I feel exhilarated and want to do or learn more. OH, now I remember what is keeping me stuck, the word is, Lazy!! I say I need to relax, when in reality I am being lazy, plain and simple.

So, no more excuses; no more "I don't want to" or "I don't feel like it". Each day I am blessed to have, I will show my appreciation by completing a craft I started or continue on one I have already begun. I will read books that inspire and teach me new things. Doesn't this sound great? Yeah, I think so too. Now lets see if it really happens. It could be taken from my memory as I sleep tonight, like it has in the past.

My real goal is to be able to write a post that is interesting and has a focus. I still feel like I am floundering around trying to find a purpose in my writings. I know I want to reach out to others who are struggling with the same struggles I have.  To know I am not alone in my craziness, fears and concerns of what the future holds. So I will just keep writing what is on my mind and enjoy the process. Maybe one day I will look and see a response from someone who has the same excuses and the same questions as I have. You never know.

Well, its late and the morning comes early. So I will say Good night.

Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides

Well I am back. Never really went anywhere, not in my head anyway. But been struggling with trying not to compare myself with others these past months. It is truly disheartening to see young women filled with such self confidence and intelligence with technology, not to mention careers and what they want from life. Each year I go through this process as my birthday comes closer. I look back and realize I am the same person I was last year. Same job, same husband, (I guess that parts good), same home, same insecurities blah blah blah. And it makes me wonder. What am I doing so wrong?

However, this year I can look back and see how I have grown, and how I have begun to change into the woman I hope to become. Instead of looking at women I wish I were like, I have started acting like it! What a concept huh? Also, I look at my job that is going no where and began using it as a practice job for the position I will be in one day. (Did you notice the positive affirmation I just did?). For instance I find myself minding my own business more and staying out of gossip, or keeping from starting it. I firmly but respectfully stand up to those who feel they are superior. And most important I have surrounded myself with women who encourage and love me just as I am, and are also there to encourage where I could change for better. It doesn't matter how old you are, inside we are all those insecure little boys and girls at times. We just see others outsides and assume it is their insides as well.

I had read other blogs and looked at them and suddenly felt so insecure and inferior. They were all so professional and set up so nicely! Pictures even! I don't' have the luxury of a teen or fellow blogger to help me work out the kinks nearby. But a woman told me and a friend what a great writer I was and how I needed to get back at it. So here I am, insecure and fearful. But I am here. My goal last year if I remember right, was not allowing fear to rule my life any longer. And of course as soon as I realized people were reading my blog and although they loved it, it filled me with fear of continuing to write what they would like or not like. I need to remind myself I am writing for myself and because I love it. Actually I love writing and rewriting. The editing is so much fun.

My husband is talking about retiring in a few years. If you don't think that sent chills up my spine! When did he have the right to get so old? And why is he aging and getting grumpier so much faster than I am? Then reality sinks in and I realize, I am aging right alongside him. Everyday as I do my data entry position I notice how old my hands are looking. When I am crocheting or knitting, I again notice the stiffness that wasn't there a week ago. My hair is changing color faster and it isn't coming out of a bottle! I just keep seeing all these new changes happening to my body at an alarming rate of speed and my immature young mentality is not catching up! And yes, there are days when I am terrified.

My husband left for a week long trip yesterday and for a week prior I was having anxiety attacks. All the old "what ifs" came storming into my head. What if he doesn't make it back? What if he has a stroke or heart attack so far from home? What if, what if. What if I just shut my thoughts off and move on!! First I can't wait to get rid of the grump for a few days, then I am worrying about losing him. Wish my mind could make itself up already. I do love the guy, but lets face it, I don't always like him. Some days I want to just smack him a long side his head and scream "Shape up already!".

So today I enjoyed my regular Saturday brunch lunch with a woman I met and it was so much fun. In the back of my mind though, I caught myself thinking how strange that I didn't have to think about my spouse and what he was doing while I was sitting here eating with a friend. Of course that means I was still thinking about him! I just can't win. Lets face it, if my thoughts are focused on him and what he is doing, I don't have to look at what I am doing. That is a great way to avoid looking at what needs to be changed in me. but it is also a way to miss out on the joy of the moment. That isn't something I want to continue doing any longer. I am ready to face the truth of life and change what I can and find a way to live with what I can't. Thank goodness I have a Power greater than myself that guides me and fills me with peace and encouragement whenever I think of her or go to her for comfort.

Writing is so therapeutic. I can never understand why some find it so difficult. It is fun, hard work, but the joy is finding out that the more transparent I become, the less alone I feel in these life situations. My journaling is never meant to hurt anyone and this has stopped me from always being completely open about what is going on or speaking up when the moment is right. but how can this be helpful to you, the reader and to myself? My philosophy of late has been, "No more hiding who I am." No more secrets. Yes, this can and will set me up to be ridiculed and judged. Maybe I will lose a few friends or family member relationships. I hope it wouldn't, but that's not realistic. As a writer of truth we have to be willing to risk losing a few relationships when we share intimate things about ourselves.

This is the next best thing to being "Dear Abby" as I can think of . I always thought it would be so much fun to have people ask me for advise and give it like she did. So instead, I will end this year of my life writing more stories about myself, my life before and now, daily events that are funny or frustrating, and hope to hear others are reading these events and feelings and identifying with me. More importantly, they will gain hope and encouragement that they are not alone or crazy in their thoughts. Or maybe we are and its that is ok too, just so long as we are not harming ourselves or others in the process. I am sadly guilty of both. But am so grateful I can say that in past tense. Not that I don't continue to hurt others unknowingly. but there was a time I did it intentionally out of anger or ego.

Well, this is a short and very simple post, but I knew if I didn't put something on here I may never get back at it. So back to the disciplining. Writing every day, and even if I don't hit the "post" button the first writing, at least I will have written something that day. Life is changing quickly for me emotionally, physically and spiritually. The best time to write don't you think?