Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Three Life changing words.

More and more I learn new things about myself and about my life. It is as if I became willing one day to look at myself and that willingness snowballed into this whole new world for me. And it keeps rolling and collecting data about who I am, things I do unconsciously and things I would like to try even if I am afraid. It is also over-whelming at times as well and at these times I take a break and work on something fun, or I call a friend. Other times my Creator will put someone in front of me that helps me hear something useful. This is exactly what happened a week ago. I heard a gentleman talking about something called "the three A's".  My ears were pricked with interest. What could these three words possibly mean?  I didn't get a lot of information from what was said, but I did hear enough to get me thinking. During the coming week I was astounded at what an impact these three simple words had on me.

When I become aware of something, I have an opportunity to change it or learn from it. Or I simply just become aware of it and say, "Hmm, so that is why that happened." The problem is that I have become more and more aware of things I do not find acceptable in my life and I don't have the courage to change some of them. Sometimes I don't know why I suddenly go from being in a great mood to being extremely agitated or angry. Or so I told myself. Deep down I knew what was going on, where these emotions were coming from. I just didn't want to admit it. To admit it means change. And that is not always a good thing. I don't want to admit I am unhappy or that I want something new in my life. What would that mean? But the truth is, I do want new things in my life. I am not getting any younger and and lets face it, not getting any more attractive either. But seriously, is it wrong for a woman my age to still desire to be pursued? To be cherished and the most important person in someone's life? What would that feel like? This is an awareness that came up a while back. An awareness I was too afraid to look at, to admit to. I didn't know what it would mean.

Yes, I hear those of you who know me saying, "but you have a wonderful husband". Yes, he is a great guy. But he doesn't meet all the important needs I have. I mean admit it, wouldn't it be wonderful to have your guy walk into the room, turn the t.v. off or take the book out of your hand and say, "I want some time with you, lets talk or go do something." Talk about feeling important. Sometimes I get so jealous when I see a guy openly show affection to his wife or girlfriend, as if to say this lady is precious to me and I want the whole world to know it. Or hearing a man bragging on his wife and what a wonderful woman she is. I know he loves me, but for goodness sakes, I am tired of being the one in the relationship to make the first move for us to do something together. I get tired of always being the one bragging on how good he is at this or that. All it does is make me look like the bad guy when I get angry and try to complain about him! The longer we are together the mo re I am becoming aware of things I didn't know were so important to me. And those I did know I stuffed down so I didn't have to look at them. Growing up I was not taught or shown that I was worthy of being cherished or loved deeply. I didn't know I was important just because I was who I was and that was good enough to be loved. I always felt I had to earn it. I continued to live this lie into my adulthood. Taking what I learned as a child into my adulthood only lead me to attracting men who used me or were emotionally unavailable. This is not to place blame. Remember, we are talking about becoming aware of things in ourselves so we can change them.

What I am talking about is being treated with gentleness, kindness and respect. Having a conversation instead of sharing opinions. Or going out somewhere and sharing the fun. I have become aware of the fact that we, my spouse and I, don't have a whole lot of interests in common and do not share the same views on things nor enjoy a lot of the same things; wow talk about opposites attract! When I first became aware of this I was terrified. I just knew it meant divorce. I mean really, how can two people live together who have nothing in common and still be happy? I had to look long and hard at this, I had to ask myself could I live with someone I did not have anything in common with? I knew I wanted a relationship, not just companionship. This was a huge awareness in my life and was what started me on this journey of what I call my midlife moments. Perhaps that is just a nice way of saying I am having a midlife crisis. We will save that for a future post. Anyway, I knew things were going to have to change. But what? How? And that is where the next simple but strong letter "A" word came in. Acceptance.

It was difficult to accept that I was not going to be able to change this important man in my life into the knight in shining Armour. Nor was I willing to leave him to go looking for one. Remember what I said earlier, I attract emotionally unavailable men? I highly doubt that has changed since I have just become aware of it. No, what I learned is that I have to accept I can't change him or anyone else into who I want him or them to be. They are who they are. He is who he was when I married him and I chose to marry him anyway, faults and all. What I didn't know was that as time went on the things I found bothersome would eventually turn into resentments. Anger. And I would have to deal with these emotions somehow. And I did. For a while I blew up at him at little stuff. One moment we would be having a great time, then shortly afterwords I found myself in a rage. Something he did would remind me that I was not going to get what I needed from him emotionally. And this fear or truth would turn into anger. Poor guy had no clue what the hell had just happened. Of course I realize some of this could just be menopause, but I refuse to let him off the hook that easy. That is another thing I had to accept. I put myself into positions to be taken advantage of. I don't stand up for myself, for what I need. But the real truth here is a huge pill to swallow. And that truth is this. My husband, my boss, my friends, any one who is a part of my life cannot fill all my needs. Only I can. And that sucks. I didn't want to give up the dream that one day I would have someone who cherished me. Who thought of me as one hell of a lady and showed it. Most men just assume you know they love you, they do things for you and that should be enough. They don't know how to be emotionally available. And that is why acceptance is so important in this situation and situations like it with any relationship, whether it is at work with a co-workers, a family member or in friendships. It is up to me to fill my own needs. But I have to admit, once I began to accept these things, and just for the record, it isn't always easy, it still frustrates me to have to be the one to plan things and do things together, I don't want to scare anyone or mislead anyone into thinking I have this down pat. What I am saying is that once I do accept it my life becomes more serene and, to my surprise, a little exciting. Because if I am responsible for my own happiness; if I am the one who has to fill my own emotional needs, then I get to pick what those needs and wants are and how I am going to fill them! And who knows me better and what will bring me joybetter than me? See, even this is a new awareness! I get to decide what I am willing to do to get what I need. I am the one who says what will take priority in what time I have left on this earth. Do I accept this now or do I continue sitting around feeling sorry for myself and being hurt and angry because I don't "feel" special enough or because I don't feel like I am being treated right. I believe I will chose acceptance. And so this leads to the final "A" word, Action.

Now I have to take the appropriate action to get my needs met. To be truly happy and content. And I finally know how. After all these years I finally know how to be happy. Are you ready? Its so simple, I have heard it so many times and thought how ridiculous it sounded, but now I find it is true. The action I can take is to be the person I have been looking for! Be that motivator I need in order to accomplish things and try new things. Be that best friend who accepts me warts and all. Go do the very things I don't want to do but know will make me feel confident and better about myself. Encourage myself to go do something I am afraid to do. Bottom line, it is up to me to cherish myself. To show others what a wonderful lady I am, how important I am. Stop hiding under all this self-pity and self loathing waiting for others to pull me up and wash me off. Its not their responsibility. Sure I would still love to experience being cherished, being extra special to someone and deep down I know I am, but yet it would be nice to have it reaffirmed with action on another's part. But today it is what it is. And to be quite frank, I am actually excited about the idea of being my own best friend. No one can tell me whats best for me or what I "should" do if I am not depending on them to make me happy.

Wow, three simple words and yet such a big impact on me. Lately I have begun small changes, but now I am working on bigger ones. And I am walking through fears. Yesterday for example. I got up and thought to myself, "I don't want to come straight home after work." So I packed up my lap top and decided I was going to do something I never had the nerve to do before. I was going to go to a coffee shop, order myself a latte and type away. After all, isn't that what real writers do? I love coffee shops. I love watching people. But my plan backfired. I got all set up only to find I couldn't get on their internet site, and since I was alone I didn't have help. Then I couldn't get my latte because the worker behind the counter was busy washing all the parts to the coffee machine! Oh well, the important thing I had to remember was that I finally did it. I acted on a desire in spite of the fear and uncomfortable feeling of believing I wasn't good enough to be there. I had taken responsibility to do something I would enjoy doing and I didn't have to have someone with me. I was being a grown up! OK, so maybe it didn't work out this time. But its the fact that I took action! I didn't use my husband as an excuse as to why I couldn't do something, that I needed to get home to him. Isn't that what married women are supposed to do, go straight home and cook supper? He is wonderful in that area. I have the best of both worlds really. A terrific husband who does not have a problem with me having a life of my own and doing things that do not include him. Remember, we don't have a whole lot in common nor share the same interests. But what we do have is pretty darn nice and I will take that over divorce any day!

So, as new awareness's crop up, as I slowly accept them and take the risk of acting upon them in which ever way that may be, I have a very good feeling I am beginning a whole new journey in my life. That this is the beginning of the next chapter in my life. I feel like a little girl who is just beginning her first year in kindergarten. Excited and scared all at the same time. And of course not being able to wait to share it with someone! Thankfully I am being blessed on a regular basis with new and wonderful friends I can share the good and the difficult situations with. I have a new motto for my life, if it doesn't enhance my life nor make me a better person, than it or they do not belong in my life. I get to choose now who and what will be a part of my life. Wow that is a good feeling. I used to believe I should be happy with anyone willing to be in my life. Talk about having it back words!

Birthday Blues to Birthday Blessings.

I am not sure what happened this year. I have never been effected by a birthday as I have this year. And its not even a mild stone birthday. I turned 57. But somehow it finally struck me I wasn't young anymore. I wasn't even middle aged. I have been finding myself taking stock of my life and realizing how many years I have wasted on thinking and writing about what I was going to do or what I needed to do, yet never doing any of it! The question keeps popping into my head, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Am I gong to change something? If so, what? Who is this person living in my skin? If I continue on this journey of discovery will I like who I meet?

All my life I have allowed others to tell me who I should be. What I was worth. I was never encouraged to go after what I wanted. And eventually I stopped wanting. I quit dreaming. Little by little I became a people pleaser. Doing and saying what I thought would make you happy, and if you were happy than I could be happy. Everything depended on what others thought or felt. And as long as I didn't have to confront you or do something that might hurt you or make you mad, even though I was suffering, life was ok. What I didn't know was that I was slowly, little by little losing who I was and becoming bitter and angry. You saw me laughing and joking. But you didn't see the hurt little girl inside. Now, the past year has slowly begun changing me. What used to be tolerable is no longer tolerable. How I see things is different. I don't want to be a chameleon any longer. And so now I have to re-define who I am. Perhaps the real sentence should be, now I need to define myself since I really have never had my own identity. it is this realization that has brought about these sudden crazy ideas. Ideas of wanting to change everything, my wardrobe, my house. I want to start over completely. But the stinker is this; I don't know who or what I want to change into! So I just keep going through my closet looking and looking but not knowing what to throw out because I don't know what I want to replace it with! I have ideas in my head but I don't have a lot of money to spend on a whole new wardrobe. And its not like I want a lot. As a matter of fact one thing I have learned about myself is that I am becoming less and less materialistic in the fashion sense and leaning more and more towards simplicity with color. But now I have this huge pile of clothes that I have no idea what to do with!

That's it! I have to simplify my life. Get rid of all the clutter inside my house and inside my head. I want to learn how to keep my life simple. Let the world continue on without me trying to fix it all.

So how do I start? Where does an older women begin a new "her". How do I find out what my passion is? Where does a person get motivation to try new things? I haven't a clue where to start. My house is showing the clutter and confusion that is going on in my head. Am I having a mid-life crisis? Do women have mid-life crisis like men do? I can't imagine someone my age even thinking about being with a man ten years younger than myself. What do young men see in old shriveled up women anyway? Why would you go after last weeks leftovers when you can have a fresh steak today? I even changed doctors a few years back because I couldn't stand the idea of a young male doctor examine me and seeing this old body. It was getting embarrassing.

Getting older brings about so many questions and desires all at once. I feel both anxious of growing older faster, and yet at the same time there is something deep inside me that is excited. There is an enthusiasm and hope I hadn't experienced before. I want to try new things even if afraid. I want to learn everything, yet don't know where to start so I just sit around in front of the t.v. contemplating and watching women around me living their lives and wishing it were me. Well by golly, it is me! I talked to my husband, Steve, (its time to give him a name don't you think?) and I am going to join "Curves" My only concern is, if I lose weight that I do not need to lose, where is the extra skin going to go? Let me explain how this question came about.

This past weekend I was out shopping for bras. Yes, I still need bras. I am not at that stage yet where they sag down enough to just tuck into my underpants. So there I was trying on this bra in my usual size. Or so I thought. I was in for a rude awakening. The scale may say I still weigh the same but my body parts weren't getting the message! There was skin and fat coming out all over that bra! I just stood there staring at myself wondering when the hell does it stop? Every day I am seeing changes confirming I have lost the last bit of youth I had. Let me just say this. The full length mirror is no longer my friend. I couldn't tell what was skin and what was fat. Did I need to lose weight or would that just cause more wrinkled skin to hang over and through my bra? Not to mention over my pants. It was horrible having to walk out of that fitting room and tell my husband, "I need a bigger size." He just smiled and said, "Aren't you glad you tried them on first?" I wanted to hit him and scream, "No you idiot! I don't feel glad about anything right now!" But I remained calm. After all it wasn't his fault. He hadn't seen what I saw. Then I realized he had seen it!  We are married for goodness sakes!  But when I complained to him how terrible I looked and that from now on I was getting dressed in the bathroom and he was not to look when I got into bed any more, he just laughed and reminded me that he too was changing and sagging and that we were growing old together. Personally I think he was trying to "get some." I guess that could be a compliment in a cute sort of way. At least he still finds me attractive  sagging skin and all. But I am still horrified by what I saw. Some women would tell me to embrace it. Accept it as a part of life. I say to you, screw this embracing crap. I want my old body back!  So I did something I knew would make me feel young and sexy again, even for just a short time. I seduced my husband into making love to me. Yes, in case some young lady in her thirties is reading this, we still have sex in our fifties and sixties. Lets just say its "different." And it worked. And  I got up the next morning feeling ok with who I was. But there are other areas in my life to remind me daily I am an older woman. Not middle aged, older.

In the work place for instance. I have noticed how old I feel suddenly. I look around and realize there is only one other lady in the office who is older than I. And she will no doubt retire in few years. I wish I could look forward to retirement. I sometimes worry if my husband and I will have the opportunity to have a few good years to enjoy after working so hard for so many years. Seems like our government just wants to keep us baby boomers working until we die so they don't have to pay us social security. I believe that is why they keep raising the retirement age. Makes me feel so powerless and mad. Ok, back at the office. I notice the younger generation, or maybe its just a sign of the times; but people don't have the same work ethnics. I work with a person who does just enough to keep their job while I have to pick up the slack. Others are on their phones texting or talking constantly throughout the day. And I know I am seen as an old lady, I am left out of things a lot and don't fit in. I don't have kids in school or my job is not tied into other jobs in the office so there is really no reason to come talk to me. Sad but true. I don't feel happy at work. Thank goodness for the friendships I am developing outside of work. This is not to say I don't get along in the office. My sense of humor makes me belong in a small way. Making people laugh is one trait I can hang onto. It is fun to see I can bring laughter to others, even in the workplace of young people.

There is a positive thing in my life right now. I am developing relationships with other women who have the same feelings as I do and are going through or have been through the mid-life crisis and hot flashes. I am reading "The Hot Flash Club" and can relate so much to what these ladies are doing, it is a great book if you are feeling alone and like you are crazy. It is a relief to realize there is a name for what I am going through. Menopause.

So, I have allowed myself to be affected in a couple negative areas due to this birthday for a while now which is why I haven't blogged actually. Didn't know if this is what I really want to blog about anymore. Who cares about what a woman in her menopausal years is going through? Who cares to read about my new adventures I feel coming up. That's where the excitement is about. Although I am whining a bit, ok a lot; I also have this positive sense that something good and wonderful is coming my way. I only need to be ready and open to it when it comes. I need to be willing to take risks and to stand up and say, "This is who I am now and I don't care what you think." I don't even have to believe it all the time, you know that saying, "Fake it til you Make It." What I want today may not be what I want tomorrow. I keep changing my mind day to day! And you know what? As far as I am concerned that is ok with me. Life now is all about change for me. Experimenting to see what fits and what doesn't in my new journey. My next phase of life.

Now it is up to me to begin living to suit myself. Begin doing those things that will boost my self-confidence and respect. I know now that these things cannot come from other people. I can be encouraged and pushed in a positive direction, but ultimately it is up to me who I am comfortable being. I am the one who has to live in my own skin. I believe I was born with a certain amount of creativity. I see things others don't when out in nature; like faces or animals in a tree bark or on a mountain side. I love colors and find bright colors excite me. But I don't know how to put them together or if I need to. That's where friends who know these things can help. I want to learn how to create and think outside the box. Take risks with colors and designs. Maybe even begin learning new hobbies like sketching. Oh how I love stencil drawings!

In a couple months I hope to have my very own room completed. It will be my sanctuary. Away from the front of the house.  I am in the planning stages right now of how I want to set it up as a meditation/craft room.  Again friends will help. But first there is a lot of de-cluttering I have to do in another room so we can move the stuff out of one into another to make this happen. It is over-whelming if I don't remember to take one little section at a time. That is something else I have learned. I don't have to complete something in a hurry before enjoying other things. I can work hard for a short period of time on one part of my life while at the same time, taking breaks and working on the things I enjoy. I used to believe I couldn't enjoy something unless I completed certain tasks. So I would find myself doing nothing. Just lying around watching t.v. feeling sorry for my boring life. Well let me say this. Lately my life is not boring. Cluttered and confusing at times, but definitely not boring.

So, my main object is to get out of this slump. Stop focusing on the things I wished I had done or done differently and start focusing on the things I can do today. Really put an honest effort into living in the moment.  And asking myself, is this really what I want to be doing or am I doing it to impress someone or because I think I should.  Am I going to figure out what my passion is and blog about that! In the meantime I will continue just sharing my day to day awareness's and hoping I am not alone in my insane thinking. Wait a minute! I am blogging my topic, my passion. What life through menopause is about! Duh. When did that stop being enough? When did I begin to doubt what I was blogging about?

I didn't want my readers, if I still have any, to think I had stopped writing. I was just "on a break" you might say. Now I need, no, want to get back to working on the room de-cluttering.  But I must be able to live with piles as I move these rooms around. Its like the emotional changes going on in my head. I have to allow the noise once in a while in order to enjoy the quiet thoughts. I will put up with a temporary messy house so I can one day enjoy a quiet personal room all my own. Maybe this birthday slump has finally passed! And all I had to do was share it. Just getting it out has helped me to see that all I need to do is accept that this is part of life that I cannot change. So lets do what will make it less painful and more enjoyable. Even if this means being and acting a little crazy at times.
I guess women do have their own mid-life crisis after all. I just haven't heard any share about theirs. My poor husband. He has no idea what is ahead for him. But at least we can go through this craziness together and laugh at each other on the way. Now I can see all the many blessings I have in my life and will say, Cathie, Happy Birthday!