I am slowly coming into my own and it is frightening and exciting at the same time. As I begin living by my own truth it is setting off uncomfortable situations. People don't know what is going on. And when I stand up for myself and say "no" when I mean no, I feel shaky inside and afraid of the confrontation that may come of it. I am not used to being true to myself. How can I when I have only just begun to get to know myself? What I like, what type of things I find interesting or want to learn about. My spiritual truth continues to grow stronger and more difficult to ignore or push down as well.
God is a name that I, like most people, learned to call the Creator of the world. For years I have tried to believe in the God of the bible. Went to church, forced myself to be around people I did not fit in with but because I had gotten close to and loved, continued to try and force myself to believe in their God. But since I have let go of that agony and rid myself of heaven and hell. I have been freed up to live my life according to what my own truth or truths are. As I grow confident in my own opinions and self, my spiritual beliefs continue to change and expand. I respect my friends and all people's beliefs for themselves and wish it could be reciprocated by Christian friends, but it doesn't seem to work out that way. I respect them for standing up for their beliefs but do not see a loving and accepting God in their judgment of those of us who do not believe as they do. I do not see the true teachings of Jesus in their daily walk or treatment of others. This is not true of all Christians, but many that I have come in contact with. But this is true of all walks of faiths isn't it? We are all responsible to live as close to our beliefs as humanly possible.
I am accepted if I believe in the Christian God. But not accepted if I believe in pagan Gods or other spiritual paths. I am expected to believe in God, but not a God of my choice. Why not? Because I did not trust my God when she/he approached me I have allowed others to tell me what truth is. This is the same in other areas of my life. Allowing others to define who I am or am not. So many doubts. So much fear caused by people pleasing. But as I have said in previous blogs, people pleasing has to stop and that means stop in ALL areas of my life. I am happy to share that this is happening, slowly but happening just the same.
I feel free now to be who I am. I am studying and reading about paganism. I want to learn everything I can. Just as I want to study Buddhism and Hinduism and other walks of faith. There are so many spiritual paths in our world. And yet some would say I was going to hell for believing and practicing my own religion. But the Creator of the universe is bringing women into my life who encourage me to be true to myself, even those who do not share the same beliefs. I have also been blessed to have people of the same faith beginning to come into my life.
If all people were allowed to follow and have their own Gods and religions and we all accepted one another for who we are and not what we believe just think how peaceful and loving our world would be. But again that is none of my business. I have no control over what others think, only what I think.
I am finally being brought to sanity. I am being given the courage to live life as I feel inspired. I know the woman I want to become and my God is helping me to become her. I know I will have many new friends on this journey. It is cool to be eclectic; I can take what makes sense to me from all types of spiritual paths and leave the rest without fear or guilt.
Yes, old ideas and brain washing come back time to time, however now I have tools to push them away and move forward in my personal journey. I may not believe in "One true God", but I do believe there is a power greater than myself that brought this universe to being. And I love what my husband says; God comes to each of us in a way it knows we can come to it. Or him if you prefer. There is an energy that is a part of us all and when we are open to it and willing to tap into it, we become a part of it. We are a part of it. When I think of death I see my spirit, the energy within, returning to the universal power, free and joyful. This brings me inner peace.
Each morning I ask for courage and strength from my higher power to face whatever comes that day. Whether it is something out of my control or a consequence for yesterdays actions. At night I thank him for all the blessings I have in my life. This too brings me peace and a sense of well being. It is creating a personal relationship with the spirit within. It is bringing me closer to who I am and who I want to become. A spiritual being. A woman of love and peace. My own woman of faith.
