It is snowing and the roads are slick. I am blessed to have a boss and supervisor who understand the terror I have of driving in these conditions and tell me to stay home. So I have an opportunity to write on my blog, something way over due. So much for being disciplined.
Yesterday I had the most wonderful vision. A beautiful woman in a black and white silhouette with a jet black raven sitting on her shoulder. Right away I felt she was looking into my inner being and I felt safe and protected. I knew without a doubt I had found my God. Or better yet, Goddess. The spirit in a form I can see and feel her love. Something tangible that I can relate to. Yet not one many of my friends would understand or agree to. Some would even be concerned I was returning to the "dark side". I understand their concern having been in the Christian community for sometime in the past. But the peace I felt, the love I saw on this angelic like face only sent positive energy within me.
Why are there so many religions out there fighting with one another instead of embracing each others love for their God? Is it not possible that God, who ever he/she/it may be, comes to each of us in a manner that helps us to trust and lean on for strength and hope? God is energy, a Creator of all living things I believe and therefore lives within each of us. If I can learn to relax, quiet my mind and separate my thoughts from worldly clamor, I believe I would hear her message and I would once again have the trust and guidance to write spiritual essays and poems once again. For too long now I have allowed the religious community control what I believe and cause doubts within me as to who my Higher Power, as some I know call it, "God really is". And I have lost the peace that once resided within.
I wish I could draw. I see her so plainly and would love to draw what I saw. I will try just the same. Who knows, I may find there is a talent in me I never knew I had. It is time to experiment with different crafts.
Being surrounded with encouraging, loving, self confident women lately who believe in me and encourage me to try things has truly begun changing how I see myself and to treat myself with respect. And now with this image of my guardian angel, I will call her, I have more confidence that strength will continue to grow, for now I have someone I can turn to for help. Someone personal to me. As a matter of fact she has already begun filling me with strength and self respect. Let me explain.
Just last week something happened that caused me to be very uncomfortable and I found myself in turmoil. I met with a pain specialist. I liked the dr. but did not feel confident with his office staff. They had not even told him they had the flu shots in! That should have been my first clue as to who was running that office. Then during the week I called a few times regarding the medication he was going to prescribe and never received a call back. Nor did the pharmacy. All weekend I fretted over what to do. I wasn't comfortable with the office staff nor had confidence they cared about my well being. Did I have the courage or the right to call and tell them I was going elsewhere? Was I being too picky? The whole weekend I stressed out about it. The lack of self worth was overtaking the new found confidence I was gaining. Finally, Sunday I made the decision I was going to do what I felt was best for me and I called and canceled with that office. I called my own PCP and will get a new referral. As soon as I did all that I was calm and all the anxiety I was struggling with last week and over the weekend subsided. I felt so proud for taking care of my needs. It is new to put my needs ahead of others opinions and my people pleasing. But boy did it feel good. After all, if we don't take responsibility for ourselves we have no one else who will. We can only blame ourselves for allowing ourselves to be victims of the world around us. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? Some of you may be reading this thinking, "well dah!". But if you grew up in the home I did, you were not taught self love or respect. You were taught self loathing and shame. Unworthy of others respect. I am grateful my spirit angel has brought me to a place where there are women who have been there and understand what I feel and need to grow into the being I was created to be. To have the choice to live in this new found freedom of creativity and love.
The world is full of hate and violence. I have obsessed all my life over the horrible things I read and hear about that is going on around the world. Yet there is nothing I can do. I have no control over the actions of others. Now that I am finally accepting this a little at a time I am learning to live in my own little world and change what is possible for me to change. Isn't it cool that as we grow spiritually so can our spiritual beliefs? Today my God can be a beautiful spirit women, tomorrow the Christ, another day Buddha. But the main thing is that I have a God I can lean on and to remember I am not alone. I need help to live in this world. God works through people, books, visions and so many other ways to reach out to us; we only need to be willing to believe and accept it when it comes.
I have a writer's workshop coming up that I have been asked to be a part of. To share about blogging and journaling. I do not have experience with blogging as many who read probably have noticed. I do not stay on one topic. Sharing thoughts and experiences isn't what one thinks of as a blog. I need a particular topic. It is becoming one of spiritual growth I think. I was considering writing letters to God in my journals. Just to see if it changes anything. I will let you know.
Well, once again I not sure this post made any sense or was worth reading. But again I wanted to get something written, even if for just the discipline of keeping on with this blog. I hope one day to meet someone who can guide me on blogging and mentor me in my writing. I want to write spiritual insights that come to me as well as humorous experiences like arguments with my spouse over ridiculous things.
Well, I will try to not let the guilt of knowing others made it to work in spite of their fear of driving in this weather and I didn't. I will take my bosses words to stay home to heart and if they wanted me to go in then they would have said so.
Guess I will make a fresh cup of coffee and edit this post before publishing it. I love editing.
