I have been living under the assumption that I know what is best for those close to me. What will make them happy or better people. I owe these loved ones an apology. Who am I to tell others what is best or how they should do things? I don't even know half the time what is best for me! There are still so many parts to myself that need cleaning up, brushing off and building anew. I am told this takes a life time. Well I don't have a life time anymore. I am at the end of my life time. The last part you might say. So I have this anxiety going on as to how to accomplish and change the things I desire within the time span I do have. Assuming of course that I don't get killed tomorrow in a freak accident. Then I guess there won't be any need to worry about this trivial matter. But for now I am alive and as far as I know still have some years left in which I would like to be different. Better.
Tonight I will be attending an art show where a dear friend is showing her painting. I am looking forward to dressing up, Fedora and all. This is my opportunity to begin wearing what I want to wear without the concern of what might think. "Might think". It just occurred to me that I don't even know what others "might think"! I automatically assume it will be negative. Maybe, just maybe it will be positive! When I see people dressing creatively I think positive thoughts, why can't I believe this could be true when I am looked at? Once again I am learning something about myself. I always assume the negative where others opinions of me are concerned. That will be worked on for sure. OK back to the subject at hand.
I have always been in awe of those who wear and do things I never had the courage to wear or do but always wanted to. You know, the crazy colorful outfits, going to the theatre or on a trip somewhere exciting without any thought that they could not do so. It never occurs to people like this that what they want to do cannot be done! They aren't people-pleaser's, they live for themselves. They are creative, outgoing free spirits. They are the very species I want to evolve into. This is what I am striving to become as I continue to grow into my own. It is who I believe I was created to be. And the first step to allowing myself this freedom is to continue surround myself with those who are the same. Not with those who want me to conform to the "acceptable" or what they perceive to be "proper". Who the hell wants to be proper all the time. And truth be told, for those who know me, I have not always been what you would consider proper anyway.
Growing up I had always felt like the outsider. Our family was the family no one wanted to be associated with in too close a relationship. And we were certainly not accepted right away into our new neighborhood when we first moved in. We were "different" to many people. In a negative way. I never felt like I was truly accepted by those I hung out with. Friends were always trying to change me or make me better some how. I know it was out of kindness, that they felt they were doing me a favor. But in reality all they were telling me was, you are not good enough, let me fix you up. And I continue to do that to those close to me without realizing I am doing it. At the same time, I continue even as an adult at times, to allow others to try and fix me. Anytime I try to change something in someone or they me; we are telling each other, "you aren't good enough yet, let me show you how to be "good enough", or, "do this and you will be acceptable." I guess some of it is the society we live in. Always having to have or be more.
This has been a rude awakening to see in myself. To realize and admit that I am just as guilty of shaming others as others have done to me. Thankfully we can stop old behaviors if we choose to. We can stop allowing others to tell us what to change as well. It just takes acknowledgement that it is going on and the willingness to change it. Not to mention a lot of courage and self-honesty.
The more I try to "fix" others or change them, the more my life gets crazy and I become filled with anxiety and worry. The "What ifs" I have mentioned before come back stronger than ever. Wanting to control someone or something becomes an obsession. Its during these times that one of two things happen; my house becomes messier and more cluttered. Or cleaned really well. If I can't control the people and situations around me then by golly I will find something I can control. Of course this just starts the whole vicious cycle over again and until I myself am finally out of control! Until I can relax or a friend reminds me, that I really am powerless to change others, my life is quite a mess. I have to accept that I cannot change people, places or things if I am to have true serenity in my life. And this is true about being who I really am. Until I can accept who I am and start living as myself, I can not have true serenity, true inner peace. I am too busy trying to meet others expectations of who they think I am or should be, or trying to change others to achieve these things.
So the question of late has become. What is more important to me in my life today? To be myself which will bring serenity and inner peace. Or, changing and controlling others, to be accepted by others even if it means changing who I am. I choose the first choice. And slowly I am gaining the courage within to be myself. As I learn what I enjoy and fill those enjoyments, I become happier inside, I like myself more. I smile more and can hold my head up because I am no longer living a lie. That is what I am doing when I am not living true to myself, I am living as an impostor.
Little by little, very slowly, I am learning it is ok to be who I am. And that can be someone different as I grow and change. And this is not to say it is easy or not at all frightening. Of course I am scared at times. There is always the risk of losing relationships anytime you choose to change. People have come to know me and love me for who I am and as I change, they may not like this new person. This person they can no longer manipulate or control. My interests are changing and it would be natural for me to want to be around those who share the same interests and who will introduce me to possible new experiences I will find I enjoy. All this makes life seem more appealing and exciting to me. I don't want to spend another moment envying others who live and experience things in their lives. I want to be those people! This of course does not mean all my relationships will end. Not everyone in my life has wanted to change me or manipulate me into doing things they want, I am not that weak a person. I have some terrific women in my life and they are the ones that have been helping me see these things in me that I don't like, but need to see just the same if I want to be a better me.
Slowly, as I pray each day to my Creator within, I gain more courage to change what I can. I take the focus off what others are or are not doing and put it back on me. Truthfully though, it is the spirit within that is doing the changing, not me. I believe this because every morning on my way to work I pray for courage to change what I can in my life and I am seeing results, so how can I deny this Creator the credit for the changes occurring within on a daily basis? I know it isn't me. I don't have it in me not to want to impress or please others, it is too ingrained in me.
You know what? I find the more I do this the more I like who I am! Funny how that works. The person I am becoming is creative, fun, intelligent and kind. Whats not to like? Sure, I have a long ways to go; I still have flaws that need to be dealt with. But its important I am learning, to see the good in each of us as we work towards ridding ourselves of the things that are not so appealing. That harm ourselves or others even when we don't mean to.
The message I started out with is really what I want to impress upon the reader. And on myself. It is time for me to stop trying so hard to change others, and keep the focus on changing myself. So I guess I will continue to pray each day for the courage to change those things within me that need changing. To trust that my Creator within loves me enough to help with this. After all isn't this what its all about? Life changes?
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Being an Individual within a relationship, is it possible?
As an individual who am I? What excites me? What are my interests and joys outside my marriage? Do I have what it takes to find out? Do I have the courage to move outside my little area between home and work? Am I ready to be an individual? I have friends, we have friends. But not in relationships that make you look at yourself and make you grow in yourself. My life is safe with no complications and changes to be had. And I must say I am learning quickly it is no longer a life I am comfortable in. I learned last night I want more. I guess I have know for a while, just wasn't ready to admit it to myself, never mind the world. That would mean doing something. And that would mean taking risks and facing challenges. Ok and yes, energy. Let me share how this all came about.
Last night I was at a play with two friends. One of them said I had to get out of my comfort zone. Get out and experience things on my own. This morning I thought on it for a while and realized yes, it is time to take that risk and find out who I really am as an individual. I know my role as a wife, as an employee and responsibilities it takes to fill in these roles. I have friendships and know who I am most of the time with these friends. But as an individual, do I know who I am? What I want to become and to do while I am able? Most important, do I have what it takes to be an individual? To experience new adventures on my own. To take risks without falling back on my husband and friends to tell me who I am or what I need to do. Can I step outside my comfort zone and risk making mistakes or taking a wrong turn now and then? Do I have the most important factor in becoming an individual with her own ideas and fulfilling her desires, courage.
This morning as I reflected on what my friend said I came to see clearly just how dependent I truly had become on one person. How much I handed over because he was so willing to take it. And I also realized just how comfortable I had become in sticking to my little area in life, I had become secluded in my home and work area, never venturing out alone. I kept finding things my husband would enjoy doing with me. Never realizing until last night that there were things I would like to do and try as an individual. Yes, I have friends that I go hiking with or have dinner with; safe things. But what about going out and venturing alone to the museum or theatre when there is no one to go with? What about driving downtown to an art show? I could get lost and never found. I could become a homeless person with a car to sleep in!
How does one become an individual in a marriage relationship? I have heard and come to believe that we cannot fill all the needs of our spouses. No one person can have all the same interests or passions of another; we are different in many ways and have different interests. What I have done for the most part is put my individual away in the closet somewhere. Slowly over the years I forgot she even existed. Until last night that is. Last night she woke up in such a way I cannot explain. And all it took was going to a live play. When those actors and actresses came out on the stage I felt this sense of excitement and happiness I had not felt in such a long time. I laughed and cried at the same time from the strong emotions within me coming out. I could not contain the joy of being at a live play with live actors and actresses. It was a night of such laughter I hurt and cried from the comedy. It was a fun night out with a couple girlfriends. It struck me on the way home that I had done something my husband had no interest in and I enjoyed myself! I enjoyed myself outside my marriage and did not feel guilty! I wasn't sitting there wishing he had come or worrying that I was being selfish. As a matter of fact I didn't think about him at all and this was different for me.
This morning I realized there was an individual within trying to push herself out. There was no more holding back this creative, intelligent woman any longer. (This idea is becoming a regular theme in my life lately). Yes, this brought up fear and a sense of dread. After all it meant I would be venturing into a whole new world. I am beginning to believe it is ok to have my separate life away from my husband. It was ok to have passions that he did not have. I could still fill my passions and interests without him. Just as he could fill his without me. And if he had no interests outside the home, well that was ok too! It did not mean I could not pursue interests and have outside activities separate from him. We have things we enjoy doing together. So why have I been afraid to seek out my own interests as well? Why haven't I seen myself as an individual with her own needs and passions? Because I was afraid.
Fear as I have mentioned before rules my life sometimes. I allow it to keep me in my safe little world. I do not venture past a certain area of town. I do not go to movies alone or seek outside interests with friends. Most importantly, I have not seriously persued writing as something to grow in and to make a big part of my life. And yet, I truly believe deep down I have so much I could share and help others with. My life experiences, some of which are difficult to talk about or acknowledge are the very things that need to be shared. Why? Because there are others out there who are just like me. Who feel they are the only ones who feel insecure, afraid, not good enough. And so we stay in our safe little worlds where we belong. We are not good enough to play with the "big" people. We are not in the right classs of people to show up in certain entertainments. Lies. All lies my friends. Today I can no longer sit back and be the person I thought I had to be. I can no longer pretend sitting home and being a house wife was good enough. As much as I love my husband and being with him; I also long for a life separate from him. I want to live as an individual within a marriage. Is this possible? Can two people live together and yet live as individuals?
Last night something woke up inside me that can no longer be contained. After experiencing such joy and excitement being in that theatre watching live people acting on stage, I could no longer contain the happiness inside. I laughed so hard it hurt. I felt a sense of joy and freedom I had lost long ago. And it was all my doing. Little by little throughout the last 18 or 19 years I have given up my individuality. I handed myself over piece by piece without realizing I was doing it! My wonderful husband took over areas in the relationship because he didn't mind and enjoyed doing things for me. But what this did was take away who I was. How? Well lets see.
I stopped filling my car with gas. I stopped running to the store for small items because he was willing to do it. We each do our own laundry (I have no plans to change that by the way), he does the grocery shopping. What do I do? I help clean up the house when needed. I go to work, I go out to meet with friends, I lie on the couch and watch silly reality television, I read, and I complain about not having a life. Whose fault is that? Who allowed herself to disappear?
So this week I filled my own car with gas and I stopped at the store for a few items instead of asking my husband to; (or mentioning I was out of gas knowing he would offer to go fill it). It is as if I am suddenly growing up all over again. It is amazing how easily I was able to let go of areas in my life, including our financial affairs and just let him do it all. I thought this was great. I had no worries. I wasn't asked or expected to do anything I wasn't comfortable doing. And the less I did the more uncomfortable I became doing things. I slowly went from being an independent self sufficient (to a degree) woman to a dependent, fearful woman who doesn't go outside her little area. A woman who stays in her safe little box. Wow, this was an eye opener let me tell you. I did not like what I was seeing at all. I was no longer, nor had been for some time, an individual. I did nothing outside my comfort zone. I tried always to find things my husband would enjoy doing with me. I thought that was how it worked. I did not realize until last night, while out with these two good friends, that I could have outside interests and do things by myself that did not include my husband or even my friends. I could do things I enjoyed all by myself. I could be a grown up and still enjoy the benefits of marriage and friendships.
I wonder how many people go to a play and learn something so huge about themselves. I became so alive at that theatre. The exciting, creative, fun person inside wanted out and wanted out bad. The brave little girl was ready to come out and play. And the fearful, somewhat insecure adult was now willing to let her. Actually wanted her to come out and play.
Individual. Wow. It is amazing that one word could stir up so much inside me. that a simple word, individual, could wake up things inside me I didn't know existed. There is no turning back now if I am to be happy. I can try to go back to being a housewife, an employee, a friend and leave it there. But I will not be happy. Not truly happy. I have woken up the woman inside that wants to experience new things, go to new places and to do these things alone or with girlfriends who share the same excitement and interests. I want to know it is ok to have interests outside my marriage. How much fun would it be to be able to come home and have something interesting to share with each other?
Yes, I finally realize I am an individual with her own interests, passions, and sense of adventure. I want to do things and see things I haven't. they don't have to be extravagant or huge. Like going to this play last night. That wasn't huge, but it was a new experience, a thrill and I learned something about myself I didn't know before; I love the theatre! I love everything about it; the stage, the costumes, the live actors on the stage. I want to experience more of it. Maybe even be in a play just once! Going and enjoying this evening has made me wonder what other activities I have missed and may have enjoyed and loved. I don't want to miss out anymore. I don't want to be dependent on anyone any longer. From now on it is about "sharing" in my marriage, instead of depending on him. It is shameful to admit how much I have taken him for granted. How easily I allow him to do things for me. It is time to say "thank you but I can do it" once in a while.
I need to get off the couch and experience little things that lead up to the big things. I want to take back some responsibilities and be a grown up. It is healthier. No one should be completely dependent on another person to do all things in a relationship. It should be shared. And then there needs to be individual time for individual interests a part from one another. This is both frightening and exciting at the same time. I am growing up all over again. Or maybe I am finally growing up!
Life has a new meaning to me now and with the help and support of my husband and wonderful friends I know and now believe I can be and do whatever I choose to be and do. The only one stopping me is me. If I continue to be bored, angry or frustrated with my life it is my doing. Only I can take responsibility to change what needs to be changed. And with the help of my Creator I can become the individual I was created to be. I just have to continue to take risks and walk through the fears that come up.
Last night I was at a play with two friends. One of them said I had to get out of my comfort zone. Get out and experience things on my own. This morning I thought on it for a while and realized yes, it is time to take that risk and find out who I really am as an individual. I know my role as a wife, as an employee and responsibilities it takes to fill in these roles. I have friendships and know who I am most of the time with these friends. But as an individual, do I know who I am? What I want to become and to do while I am able? Most important, do I have what it takes to be an individual? To experience new adventures on my own. To take risks without falling back on my husband and friends to tell me who I am or what I need to do. Can I step outside my comfort zone and risk making mistakes or taking a wrong turn now and then? Do I have the most important factor in becoming an individual with her own ideas and fulfilling her desires, courage.
This morning as I reflected on what my friend said I came to see clearly just how dependent I truly had become on one person. How much I handed over because he was so willing to take it. And I also realized just how comfortable I had become in sticking to my little area in life, I had become secluded in my home and work area, never venturing out alone. I kept finding things my husband would enjoy doing with me. Never realizing until last night that there were things I would like to do and try as an individual. Yes, I have friends that I go hiking with or have dinner with; safe things. But what about going out and venturing alone to the museum or theatre when there is no one to go with? What about driving downtown to an art show? I could get lost and never found. I could become a homeless person with a car to sleep in!
How does one become an individual in a marriage relationship? I have heard and come to believe that we cannot fill all the needs of our spouses. No one person can have all the same interests or passions of another; we are different in many ways and have different interests. What I have done for the most part is put my individual away in the closet somewhere. Slowly over the years I forgot she even existed. Until last night that is. Last night she woke up in such a way I cannot explain. And all it took was going to a live play. When those actors and actresses came out on the stage I felt this sense of excitement and happiness I had not felt in such a long time. I laughed and cried at the same time from the strong emotions within me coming out. I could not contain the joy of being at a live play with live actors and actresses. It was a night of such laughter I hurt and cried from the comedy. It was a fun night out with a couple girlfriends. It struck me on the way home that I had done something my husband had no interest in and I enjoyed myself! I enjoyed myself outside my marriage and did not feel guilty! I wasn't sitting there wishing he had come or worrying that I was being selfish. As a matter of fact I didn't think about him at all and this was different for me.
This morning I realized there was an individual within trying to push herself out. There was no more holding back this creative, intelligent woman any longer. (This idea is becoming a regular theme in my life lately). Yes, this brought up fear and a sense of dread. After all it meant I would be venturing into a whole new world. I am beginning to believe it is ok to have my separate life away from my husband. It was ok to have passions that he did not have. I could still fill my passions and interests without him. Just as he could fill his without me. And if he had no interests outside the home, well that was ok too! It did not mean I could not pursue interests and have outside activities separate from him. We have things we enjoy doing together. So why have I been afraid to seek out my own interests as well? Why haven't I seen myself as an individual with her own needs and passions? Because I was afraid.
Fear as I have mentioned before rules my life sometimes. I allow it to keep me in my safe little world. I do not venture past a certain area of town. I do not go to movies alone or seek outside interests with friends. Most importantly, I have not seriously persued writing as something to grow in and to make a big part of my life. And yet, I truly believe deep down I have so much I could share and help others with. My life experiences, some of which are difficult to talk about or acknowledge are the very things that need to be shared. Why? Because there are others out there who are just like me. Who feel they are the only ones who feel insecure, afraid, not good enough. And so we stay in our safe little worlds where we belong. We are not good enough to play with the "big" people. We are not in the right classs of people to show up in certain entertainments. Lies. All lies my friends. Today I can no longer sit back and be the person I thought I had to be. I can no longer pretend sitting home and being a house wife was good enough. As much as I love my husband and being with him; I also long for a life separate from him. I want to live as an individual within a marriage. Is this possible? Can two people live together and yet live as individuals?
Last night something woke up inside me that can no longer be contained. After experiencing such joy and excitement being in that theatre watching live people acting on stage, I could no longer contain the happiness inside. I laughed so hard it hurt. I felt a sense of joy and freedom I had lost long ago. And it was all my doing. Little by little throughout the last 18 or 19 years I have given up my individuality. I handed myself over piece by piece without realizing I was doing it! My wonderful husband took over areas in the relationship because he didn't mind and enjoyed doing things for me. But what this did was take away who I was. How? Well lets see.
I stopped filling my car with gas. I stopped running to the store for small items because he was willing to do it. We each do our own laundry (I have no plans to change that by the way), he does the grocery shopping. What do I do? I help clean up the house when needed. I go to work, I go out to meet with friends, I lie on the couch and watch silly reality television, I read, and I complain about not having a life. Whose fault is that? Who allowed herself to disappear?
So this week I filled my own car with gas and I stopped at the store for a few items instead of asking my husband to; (or mentioning I was out of gas knowing he would offer to go fill it). It is as if I am suddenly growing up all over again. It is amazing how easily I was able to let go of areas in my life, including our financial affairs and just let him do it all. I thought this was great. I had no worries. I wasn't asked or expected to do anything I wasn't comfortable doing. And the less I did the more uncomfortable I became doing things. I slowly went from being an independent self sufficient (to a degree) woman to a dependent, fearful woman who doesn't go outside her little area. A woman who stays in her safe little box. Wow, this was an eye opener let me tell you. I did not like what I was seeing at all. I was no longer, nor had been for some time, an individual. I did nothing outside my comfort zone. I tried always to find things my husband would enjoy doing with me. I thought that was how it worked. I did not realize until last night, while out with these two good friends, that I could have outside interests and do things by myself that did not include my husband or even my friends. I could do things I enjoyed all by myself. I could be a grown up and still enjoy the benefits of marriage and friendships.
I wonder how many people go to a play and learn something so huge about themselves. I became so alive at that theatre. The exciting, creative, fun person inside wanted out and wanted out bad. The brave little girl was ready to come out and play. And the fearful, somewhat insecure adult was now willing to let her. Actually wanted her to come out and play.
Individual. Wow. It is amazing that one word could stir up so much inside me. that a simple word, individual, could wake up things inside me I didn't know existed. There is no turning back now if I am to be happy. I can try to go back to being a housewife, an employee, a friend and leave it there. But I will not be happy. Not truly happy. I have woken up the woman inside that wants to experience new things, go to new places and to do these things alone or with girlfriends who share the same excitement and interests. I want to know it is ok to have interests outside my marriage. How much fun would it be to be able to come home and have something interesting to share with each other?
Yes, I finally realize I am an individual with her own interests, passions, and sense of adventure. I want to do things and see things I haven't. they don't have to be extravagant or huge. Like going to this play last night. That wasn't huge, but it was a new experience, a thrill and I learned something about myself I didn't know before; I love the theatre! I love everything about it; the stage, the costumes, the live actors on the stage. I want to experience more of it. Maybe even be in a play just once! Going and enjoying this evening has made me wonder what other activities I have missed and may have enjoyed and loved. I don't want to miss out anymore. I don't want to be dependent on anyone any longer. From now on it is about "sharing" in my marriage, instead of depending on him. It is shameful to admit how much I have taken him for granted. How easily I allow him to do things for me. It is time to say "thank you but I can do it" once in a while.
I need to get off the couch and experience little things that lead up to the big things. I want to take back some responsibilities and be a grown up. It is healthier. No one should be completely dependent on another person to do all things in a relationship. It should be shared. And then there needs to be individual time for individual interests a part from one another. This is both frightening and exciting at the same time. I am growing up all over again. Or maybe I am finally growing up!
Life has a new meaning to me now and with the help and support of my husband and wonderful friends I know and now believe I can be and do whatever I choose to be and do. The only one stopping me is me. If I continue to be bored, angry or frustrated with my life it is my doing. Only I can take responsibility to change what needs to be changed. And with the help of my Creator I can become the individual I was created to be. I just have to continue to take risks and walk through the fears that come up.
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