Like a Giraffe

Did you know that when a baby giraffe is born his mother will knock him down each time he stands up and do this several times? It is for survival, so the baby will be able to get up quickly when needing to run from predators. Or so I am told. I also like the thought a dear lady once said to me. She said, Cathie, sometimes you have to stick your neck out once in a while and take a risk. Which also made me think about a giraffe's long neck. So naturally I now have an obsession, a love for giraffes. And I am practicing little by little each day for the past couple weeks, of doing something outside my comfort level. I am doing instead of thinking. Know what I mean? All my life I think and write about what I need to do and what needs to be changed. Lately I have actually begun to do things and find myself writing less. That is not what I intend to keep doing however. I want to continue writing, but about things that I am accomplishing not what I should be doing.  I am a worrier. I am fearful and used to living in the world of "what ifs". Lately I have been making decisions and doing things in spite of the fears and unnecessary concerns. And to be honest it gets really stressful at times. It doesn't come easy for me. But yet it also has a sense of pride and Wow!, I can really think and make decisions on my own and they work out alright! Ok, maybe not completely on my own, I did have to have some help talking it out and fretted quite a bit over it; but I finally made it and now I feel relieved and proud. Ok, I know you are wondering what this huge thing was. I know you will no doubt either understand completely or just think I am a nut case. That's ok. I am at times. The decision I was struggling over was whether or not to get off my husbands insurance and onto my own at my job. It was better to do this for many reasons but I just fretted so much over "what if" I made the wrong decision? What if I changed and suddenly lost my job? Or the company folded. Or "what if " I find out I can't keep my doctors? Oh my gosh what if my husband's company doesn't drop me in time, will I run into a problem having a claim paid?  I was worrying over things that one; hadn't happened yet and two, were out of my control should any of them happened. I am here to say, so far all is well and working out fine. But I stressed so much over it! Is it worth it really? Sticking my neck out is so stressful. Maybe I should learn to love the ostrich, then I could go back to sticking my head in the sand sort of speak and not deal with these issues. Continue to let my husband take care of everything. Unfortunately that is not an option for me any longer. At least not if I want to live life on my terms. If you have read any of my other blogs you know that I am determined to be a whole different person than who I have been. One who I can cherish and love being. This means falling down and getting back up. Sticking my neck out and risking rejection or failure. Giving up however, is no longer an option.

I met a wonderful lady last weekend that was so vivacious and fun, she had a room for meditation; lived in a wonderful tiny little town in an old house with a big yard. I saw her and immediately knew who I wanted to be! I am not saying I want to be her, but I saw myself through her. I saw the person I wanted to become. I suddenly realized and saw for the first time who I really am! Who I wanted to become. Creative, colorful, and most important free to be who I am. Since that weekend I have not been able to let go of the sense that there is a wonderful woman inside that is desperately wanting to be set free and I am keeping her locked inside out of fear no one will like her. No one will accept her. But is this truth?  Or is it just another excuse not to change? Is it another way to avoid the chance I will fail a few times and have to get back up. Am I too afraid to stick my neck out and see what happens? I can't blame other people or circumstances anymore for me not be truthful to myself. I am the only one who can change what I don't like about me. Thankfully I believe in a Creator who is a part of me and will give me the courage to do what I need to do in spite of the risks. And I know with certainty that if I continue to spend time with my spirit Creator, I will gain the courage and guidance to be who I was created to be in the first place. I will learn to be my own best friend. Wouldn't that be fun? To get up each day and be able to spend it with someone you are comfortable and happy to be with? Sounds crazy to some people I am sure. But its become so important to me to be my own best friend. After all, if I don't learn to accept and love me the way I am now, warts and all; how can I expect others to? If I don't respect myself, is it realistic to expect others to treat me with respect? It doesn't seem to work that way. If I wait until I am rid of all the things I dislike about myself I will never be a friend to myself because I am never going to be perfect.

So all this to say I am finally ready to be "like a Giraffe" and stick my neck out, and get up each time I try something and fall down, (instead of feeling sorry for myself and staying down). I won't look at things that don't work out as failures, I will simply get back up and try something else. I won't know right away who I am or feel good about, I have to try out different styles and hobbies to know what I really like and what suits me. You can't change overnight what you have believed and done all your life. Being a people pleaser for my entire life isn't going to disappear because I suddenly realized I wasn't being true to myself. I wish it were that easy. No, its time to be an adult and take responsibility for my own happiness. I am willing to do whatever it takes to become the woman I can wake up to each day and say, hi, I am Cathie and I like me! Sounds corny when I put it that way but I don't know how else to say it. I just know I don't want to hate who I am any longer. This journey I am on is not one I am taking alone. My Creator has brought women into my life to help me. And if I am willing to reach out to them I can do nothing but grow and change. It is my choice.

This is so exciting! Because since this revelation, I have done things on the spur of the moment I normally would not do. Like going camping with a friend on a two week notice. Or make decisions about what insurance plan to take. Little things to most people, but huge to me. I am not as confident in decision making as some. I have too much self-doubt inside. I learned growing up not to trust my feelings or thoughts about things, that I didn't know anything. I carried this lie into my adult life. Now I need to be gentle with myself and take it one thing at a time. Who would have thought that at 56 years old I would begin taking risks. That I would be willing to start looking at what I need to change and not what others need to do in order for me to be happy. I feel like a little kid who just learned she could choose for herself what she wanted to be when she grew up. I am learning I can say, "you know, I really don't want to do that." or "I really want to do this." Is it easy? No. Is it comfortable? Absolutely not. But I believe with all my heart and soul it is worth it. It will get easier and it will become comfortable. Maybe even natural! ( I hope). I just have to get up and go! No more lying down after work. No more spending energy at work worrying about what might happen or not happen. A lady said to me a short time back, "Cathie, where are your hands?" What she was saying was, what are you doing at that particular moment? Get out of tomorrow and its unwarranted concerns and back into the moment. And I have been trying to remind myself of that each time I find myself starting to worry, or stressing over what I have no control over. I know this all sounds like I have it figured out. Believe me I don't. I am just practicing and walking through it. There are good moments and there are moments when I am so afraid I want to hide my head in the sand. But instead I stick my neck out. I make a phone call and talk it over, or I reach out to my Creator and ask for the courage and guidance to make the next move. Then I sit quietly for a bit, then go on with rest of the day, trusting he will show me and I will know the step to take for that particular situation.

Life is a journey. It is full of disappointment and pain at times. But it is also full of joy and fun and love a lot of the time. It is just a matter of where I spend it. In the pain or in the joy. Once again my choice. My decision. No more looking to others to tell me who I am, what I need to do or not do. It is time for Cathie to stick out her neck and take risks. Find out life isn't so bad or difficult after all. I can do more than I give myself credit for or truthfully want to. Sometimes I still want to take the easy way out of situations, not rock the boat sort of speak. And I probably will continue to at times. But hopefully, my blogs will be filled with positive, inspiring experiences more and more, and less on what is not happening or what others are doing to me.

My husband has gone out and I am going to stop here and take the time he is gone to enjoy a good book or movie undisturbed! Or maybe I will just play a game. Who knows. I will just close this post and let whatever comes be what I do! This giraffe is going to take a rest.

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