I am in "Stuck" mode. Where do I belong, fit in? Where am I suppose to be at this stage of my life? Others I know seem content to with their normal routine day in and day out. Work, go home, clean house, take a walk. Whatever it is they do in their lives. And I am one of them! It really stinks. I see myself as someone living an excited, interesting life. Learning new things, like Social Media and all it entails. Or joining a group that does fun things like going to a museum or live Play. I am not being the person I was created to be. How do I know this? Well let me tell you. Perhaps you too, will realize you are wasting the only life you have in front of the t.v. or napping on the couch after a stressful day on the job.
I visualize myself as a professional writer and speaker. That would be such fun. I also picture myself in a comic skit similar to The Carol Burnett show. I just know I would be good at it. That is, of course, if I could get up the confidence and courage to do it. Or what about belonging to a professional writer's group or book club. Not a club where you read romance novels. A book club that that make you think, books that everyone has different opinions of. Now that would be great because I would have to actually think! Another area that is lacking in my daily life is exercise. Walking the dog around a small mobile home park is not what I would call a work out. I have great intentions, really I do. I bought a yoga mat, video on yoga for beginners, that has managed to get lost. Every night I tell myself, "Cathie, tomorrow you are going to get out of this bed (after my first cup of coffee of course), and you are going to do stretches, eat a healthy breakfast and walk the dog. Then after work you are going to do the same thing while Steve is cooking supper". And guess what. Something happens while I am asleep. Don't know what, but somehow that enthusiasm and determination is taking away in my sleep. I am as serious as a heart attack, morning comes and I can't get out of bed until my second cup of coffee and by the time I am dressed and gotten daily reading out of the way, it is time to go to work. Then, when I get home, well you understand I am sure, I am so uptight and stressed that I nibble while I watch my dear husband cook supper. This has been a regular routine for several months now. But since my birthday last month I was so determined this would be my year. So far all it has been is a repeat of last year with a few exceptions on occasion. The determination is being kidnapped while I sleep. I admire those who are disciplined and have a hard drive to accomplish things in their lives. You know the ones, maybe you are one. They faithfully get up an extra hour early to get in their exercise or run. I know a friend who gets up at 3 am to write her book! Now she is a writer. I am not willing to or just not disciplined enough to get up so early. How does one gain discipline? If someone tells me, by just doing it, I will scream. Because I know they are right. I never thought about writing a story, but maybe that would be fun.
How badly do I want a new life? Perhaps the real question would be, What am I willing to give up to accomplish these things? Not to be published or win a ribbon. But for the shear joy of feeling good about myself. That sense of accomplishment and joy I get when I finish a post. I know there are physical activities I can no longer do; but there are lots of things I can do emotionally, intellectually and even spiritually that would enhance my daily living and give my life a sense of worth. Perhaps even build confidence. Both that were robbed from me as a child.
I was talking to a friend about this subject and how I felt "stuck". Not knowing how to get out of this funk and she said matter of factually, "move ahead, do something, push on." Really? That is the advise I get? Do something to move ahead. How the hell do I do that? I don't think she understood what I was asking. It is so easy to say what I need to do; but they leave out the most important part of the problem, the "how to" part! Come on people, do you really think I can figure this stuff out on my own? I don't think so. But wait a minute, perhaps I do. Perhaps the answer lies deep within. I only need to trust that inner voice that says, " Do something different. Take a risk. Just do something, anything." Even if it is as simple as writing this silly post. I have nothing concrete to write about, and yet here I am, in the middle of a big thunder and lightening storm writing. I had a Star Bucks coffee with a dear friend after work. I really didn't want to go, but that voice told me to quit being so lazy and go. I am sure it was Mother Spirit directing me. I had fun and ended up hanging out with a group of people sharing where they were at and what they had been going through this week. I was glad to be back there and even got involved. Inspired to start knitting and sewing again. Well, this just goes to prove that what people have been telling me , really is all it takes. Just doing it even when I don't want to. Like that little eight year old inside me that stamps her foot and says, "I don't feel like it!"
OK, I know the answer now; the only thing stopping me from doing the things I believe I would enjoy is me. Me and all my lame excuses I find to defend my laziness. So my friends, this is my commitment and you can hold me accountable. I am going to write at least, once a week and work on it being worthy of posting. Each day I am going to do something I don't feel like doing, but would be good for me. And last, turn off the t.v.! Get out the sewing machine, yarn, whatever will help me feel alive and worthy of this life I am given. We are at the age where friends are having strokes, cancer, heart attacks. It is continuously on my mind of how much time do I really have before getting the "death sentence". And even if I were to have 10 or more years left, will I continue to waste it "relaxing" watching t.v. or playing games on my lap top instead of writing or learning something new. Creating something I can wear with pride. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do the things that create excitement and confidence in myself. Learning something new just brightens my day, I feel exhilarated and want to do or learn more. OH, now I remember what is keeping me stuck, the word is, Lazy!! I say I need to relax, when in reality I am being lazy, plain and simple.
So, no more excuses; no more "I don't want to" or "I don't feel like it". Each day I am blessed to have, I will show my appreciation by completing a craft I started or continue on one I have already begun. I will read books that inspire and teach me new things. Doesn't this sound great? Yeah, I think so too. Now lets see if it really happens. It could be taken from my memory as I sleep tonight, like it has in the past.
My real goal is to be able to write a post that is interesting and has a focus. I still feel like I am floundering around trying to find a purpose in my writings. I know I want to reach out to others who are struggling with the same struggles I have. To know I am not alone in my craziness, fears and concerns of what the future holds. So I will just keep writing what is on my mind and enjoy the process. Maybe one day I will look and see a response from someone who has the same excuses and the same questions as I have. You never know.
Well, its late and the morning comes early. So I will say Good night.
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