Monday, February 15, 2016

Excuses, excuses excuses. Just write already!


I had a war going on in my head all afternoon. As a matter of fact it is still going on. I wanted to go to my new writing group, yet felt sick and not at all up to sitting for two hours writing. And yet what would be the difference from writing at home in my bed or on the couch feeling ill, or going to the writers group and getting some input, and probably get my mind off this illness for a while. Besides, writing at home is great while my husband is out, but when my husband comes home it will no longer be quiet and then I will have to move to the bedroom. But if I went to the writer's group I would be around others writing. That can be very distracting for me. Especially listening to others typing. What could they possibly be writing and why is it so easy for them? But the real reason I didn't go was because I didn't feel good; and my legs feel like they are on fire from the back issue. Of course they would still be burning if I went to the writers group or stayed home alone. I wonder sometimes lately, if there isn't something else going on. Could I be using my physical ailments to avoid going out where I will be surrounded by people?

Am I afraid to go after what would bring more joy into my life, perhaps a different job? Getting more involved with people doing activities I enjoy? But then the voices come back again; "Who would hire you at your age? And what do you have to offer this world of technology?" or "Its a younger generations world now, time to accept where you are and try not to lose the job you have." And who would want to spend time doing fun activities with you anyway, you are always sick or in pain. But still. A little voice whispers constantly lately, "Wouldn't you like to do something else? Wouldn't you prefer a happier atmosphere? Healthier? Maybe even a little more professional?" Not just in a job position, but everyday life activities. I find myself getting excited at the fact that yes, I want more for myself. But then I wonder, can I realistically believe there is another position out there for someone in her late 50s? Or are there people out there who would actually want to do activities with me. I can't hike long trails, I do have limits to what I can do. See, more fears, more excuses to avoid life. Living life, not just existing through it.

Oh my goodness. It just hit me, late 50s! That means close to early 60s! Which means late 60s, which means; well you get the picture. Lets face it. If I don't take a risk and just at least look at possibilities I can only blame myself. No one else. And that my friend stinks. There is no more time to waste worrying what might or might not happen. What people will or will not think about me. All the time I might have left has to be spent "living" and for me, living is writing. I am the happiest when I am writing, or when I am out in the mountains where I can only see trees and wooded areas. No buildings.

So, now I have been writing for 20 minutes. The time is just flying. I don't know if what I am writing makes sense to anyone, but it is helping me sort things out in my rattled mind. Hundreds of ideas and thoughts run through my little head like tiny atoms. Just buzzing around each other but not really connecting. Not until that is, I start writing it out. Sometimes I need a friend to talk things out. Either way, it gets the juggling to slow down enough to look at what is reality. What is the real truth. And what is false or old lies I am still carrying inside me.

So, as you probably guessed, I chose to stay home. Part of me regrets this decision, the other part is happy to be home alone where it is quiet and I can just punch away at the keyboard undisturbed or distracted by noise and people around me. Its just how I am. My friends think I am over sensitive to noise around me. They are right. But that is not the topic for today's blog. No, today I want to see if others in their later 50s or in that range who are still having to work feel as stuck as I do. Are we choosing to stay where we are for the right reason? And are there other areas in our lives that we are simply accepting or choosing to do for the wrong reasons. Fear, guilt, uncertainty. Do we accept things because it is easier than changing it? Change takes courage. It is a risk. Risk of rejection. Losing relationships. Making a wrong decision. Now that would really stink. To talk a risk and find it was a bad move.  Ouch. And then to have people who tried to talk you out of it tell you they told you so! Talk about broken down humiliated pride! I don't know if I am ready for that. And so, here I am, safe at home by myself.  Am I happy? Do I regret my decision? Of course. I get energy being around people. I get ideas. So why do I avoid it?

This is the same old conversation I have been having with myself all my life. Making excuses not do something or go somewhere. Too sick. Don't have the time. (Sure know a lot of t.v. series though). Then I sit around whining because I see women all around me living life. Taking chances. Going for it, whatever "it" is. Do I really  want to wake up at 60 and see the same woman I was in my 40s? When did it happen? This sense of not wanting to put effort into things. Being too tired to try new things. It is so much easier to just come home, put on my pajama's and lie on the couch and read. Or to be perfectly honest, watch some dumb reality t.v. show. Did I just admit to that on my blog? I have to admit there are also some good comedy series on this season as well. I tell myself to just let the younger folks have this world, they have the energy and ideas for it. I'm too tired. Then other times I am full of ideas of what I am going to do. I am filled with excitement.

For instance,  I set up a great little corner in my room just for writing. Even found a small cute original desk to use. And its been there for several months now, unused. Well, I can't use the chair I have with it; not comfortable. And I am staring at wall with my back to the door, doesn't feel right. No I can't move it, I would have to rearrange the whole bedroom! OK. If I truly needed to, I would. See what I have to live with on a daily basis? All these little back and forth arguments on why or why not to do something. So what if I write and never amount to much. There will always be better  writers than me out there. Younger people are always going to come along with great ideas to write about, and, they have the energy of youth to go out there and find their story source. My goodness, I am lucky I have energy after work to drive home!

What happened to me? Where did all my energy and out going spirit disappear to? And when did it start? I need to know so I can  get it back. Or do I? Maybe, just maybe now, I could take small baby steps disciplining myself to do something I don't "feel" like doing. Pushing myself like I have the last two days. I didn't feel physically well all weekend. Yet, I pushed myself to go out to a potluck social we do each month; surprise! I had a great time with friends. Laughter and serious talks all in one evening; and yes, I was glad I went. Saturday I had absolutely no desire or energy to get out of bed. But there was that little voice again pushing me to go to my regular Saturday gathering with some friends. This argument went back and forth for several minutes, meanwhile I found myself getting ready to go. And once again I was in for a treat. And after the gathering was invited to lunch with a couple wonderful ladies. I learned a lot and was encouraged to "go for it". Of course when I got home I quickly changed and proceeded to go back to my weekend ritual; lying on the couch watching t.v. and hating myself for being so lazy. Actually, I think I am beating myself up again unnecessarily. I  pushed myself yesterday to walk the whole mobile home park with my husband. And today after work we pushed ourselves to do it again. Not the whole park though. But we still did more than we normally would. When I lived at the condo I had no trouble walking every day. I had so much energy and was so happy. Again I ask, what happened? When did it happen? Is this normal?

So now it has been a little over an hour and I have written the whole time! Had I gone to the writer's group I would have been doing the same thing but less efficiently I think. Too many distractions. Or is that another excuse? I am not sure, but I think we were supposed to share a small part of what we wrote. I hate that part of it all. I am always comparing myself to the other writers in the group. Some own their own publishing company, one is an editor! And it shows in their writing. I feel so inadequate, so intimidated by these intelligent women. To add to the intimidation is the fact that most are much younger than myself. I wonder, do they look at me and think,"what is she trying to do? She is so old.". They aren't of course. Or are they? Oh crap, there is that noise in my head again.

I never thought about what it felt like to be an "older" person. When you are young you have your whole life ahead of you to do things you think about. When you are in your late 50's and above, those years are no longer available. You do it now or you never do it. It just occurred to me. There are a lot of senior adults who are experiencing and fulfilling dreams all the time. They don't use their age as a reason not to go for something they want! And some of these people are older than I and they are out riding bikes, hiking, whatever they enjoy.

So here is just another excuse to not do something. If I am not sick, I am too old and why bother anyway. Oh my goodness it is a wonder I have any friends! I am making myself tired of all this whining, I can imagine what my friends and poor husband must go through listening to it! I think I have been letting my illness get the best of me. It is time to take back some control over my body. Push myself to get out there. Do more. Stop lying around feeling sick and tired. Which of course then leads to self pity. It doesn't matter if I am depressed because I don't feel well all the time; or that I don't feel well because I am depressed. It doesn't matter. I have two choices. One, continue to sit around and do nothing and continue to get the same results. Or I can continue each day after work to go out and be around my friends, or even go where I don't know everyone there, I will meet them and perhaps make new friends. And most important, I will make myself go to the writers group from now on unless I am on my death bed. The ladies there have so much to teach me. And I value their opinions and critiques and yes, their encouragement. OK, I don't like being criticized, but it is important to learn and so I must get over that fear. Swallow my pride.

Another thing I have avoided is reading other peoples blogs. Afraid to see how many writers are out there doing a much better job than I. They all have their niche. Their voice if you will. They know what their main goal in writing is. Me. I am still searching for my passion to write about. That one topic I can use to have a more professional blog. But now I will read those other blogs and learn from them! Enjoy them. And hopefully learn to not compare my writing style with others writing styles. We are all writers, we are all different. See, that is the healthy voice talking. The unhealthy voice is saying, come on you aren't buying that.

I want to cry now. I just hit something on my keyboard and lost two paragraphs. I wish I could figure out what I am hitting that does that! And of course I am too tired to remember what I had written in those two paragraphs so I am going to close now before I lose the whole damn thing. I do however remember touching on how much difficulty I have coming up with titles for my short blogs. What do I call these things I write anyway. Essays? Journals? Short stories? Now you see, I do need to be around experienced writers if I am to grow as a writer. Yes, even the young ones!

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