I have been living under the assumption that I know what is best for those close to me. What will make them happy or better people. I owe these loved ones an apology. Who am I to tell others what is best or how they should do things? I don't even know half the time what is best for me! There are still so many parts to myself that need cleaning up, brushing off and building anew. I am told this takes a life time. Well I don't have a life time anymore. I am at the end of my life time. The last part you might say. So I have this anxiety going on as to how to accomplish and change the things I desire within the time span I do have. Assuming of course that I don't get killed tomorrow in a freak accident. Then I guess there won't be any need to worry about this trivial matter. But for now I am alive and as far as I know still have some years left in which I would like to be different. Better.
Tonight I will be attending an art show where a dear friend is showing her painting. I am looking forward to dressing up, Fedora and all. This is my opportunity to begin wearing what I want to wear without the concern of what might think. "Might think". It just occurred to me that I don't even know what others "might think"! I automatically assume it will be negative. Maybe, just maybe it will be positive! When I see people dressing creatively I think positive thoughts, why can't I believe this could be true when I am looked at? Once again I am learning something about myself. I always assume the negative where others opinions of me are concerned. That will be worked on for sure. OK back to the subject at hand.
I have always been in awe of those who wear and do things I never had the courage to wear or do but always wanted to. You know, the crazy colorful outfits, going to the theatre or on a trip somewhere exciting without any thought that they could not do so. It never occurs to people like this that what they want to do cannot be done! They aren't people-pleaser's, they live for themselves. They are creative, outgoing free spirits. They are the very species I want to evolve into. This is what I am striving to become as I continue to grow into my own. It is who I believe I was created to be. And the first step to allowing myself this freedom is to continue surround myself with those who are the same. Not with those who want me to conform to the "acceptable" or what they perceive to be "proper". Who the hell wants to be proper all the time. And truth be told, for those who know me, I have not always been what you would consider proper anyway.
Growing up I had always felt like the outsider. Our family was the family no one wanted to be associated with in too close a relationship. And we were certainly not accepted right away into our new neighborhood when we first moved in. We were "different" to many people. In a negative way. I never felt like I was truly accepted by those I hung out with. Friends were always trying to change me or make me better some how. I know it was out of kindness, that they felt they were doing me a favor. But in reality all they were telling me was, you are not good enough, let me fix you up. And I continue to do that to those close to me without realizing I am doing it. At the same time, I continue even as an adult at times, to allow others to try and fix me. Anytime I try to change something in someone or they me; we are telling each other, "you aren't good enough yet, let me show you how to be "good enough", or, "do this and you will be acceptable." I guess some of it is the society we live in. Always having to have or be more.
This has been a rude awakening to see in myself. To realize and admit that I am just as guilty of shaming others as others have done to me. Thankfully we can stop old behaviors if we choose to. We can stop allowing others to tell us what to change as well. It just takes acknowledgement that it is going on and the willingness to change it. Not to mention a lot of courage and self-honesty.
The more I try to "fix" others or change them, the more my life gets crazy and I become filled with anxiety and worry. The "What ifs" I have mentioned before come back stronger than ever. Wanting to control someone or something becomes an obsession. Its during these times that one of two things happen; my house becomes messier and more cluttered. Or cleaned really well. If I can't control the people and situations around me then by golly I will find something I can control. Of course this just starts the whole vicious cycle over again and until I myself am finally out of control! Until I can relax or a friend reminds me, that I really am powerless to change others, my life is quite a mess. I have to accept that I cannot change people, places or things if I am to have true serenity in my life. And this is true about being who I really am. Until I can accept who I am and start living as myself, I can not have true serenity, true inner peace. I am too busy trying to meet others expectations of who they think I am or should be, or trying to change others to achieve these things.
So the question of late has become. What is more important to me in my life today? To be myself which will bring serenity and inner peace. Or, changing and controlling others, to be accepted by others even if it means changing who I am. I choose the first choice. And slowly I am gaining the courage within to be myself. As I learn what I enjoy and fill those enjoyments, I become happier inside, I like myself more. I smile more and can hold my head up because I am no longer living a lie. That is what I am doing when I am not living true to myself, I am living as an impostor.
Little by little, very slowly, I am learning it is ok to be who I am. And that can be someone different as I grow and change. And this is not to say it is easy or not at all frightening. Of course I am scared at times. There is always the risk of losing relationships anytime you choose to change. People have come to know me and love me for who I am and as I change, they may not like this new person. This person they can no longer manipulate or control. My interests are changing and it would be natural for me to want to be around those who share the same interests and who will introduce me to possible new experiences I will find I enjoy. All this makes life seem more appealing and exciting to me. I don't want to spend another moment envying others who live and experience things in their lives. I want to be those people! This of course does not mean all my relationships will end. Not everyone in my life has wanted to change me or manipulate me into doing things they want, I am not that weak a person. I have some terrific women in my life and they are the ones that have been helping me see these things in me that I don't like, but need to see just the same if I want to be a better me.
Slowly, as I pray each day to my Creator within, I gain more courage to change what I can. I take the focus off what others are or are not doing and put it back on me. Truthfully though, it is the spirit within that is doing the changing, not me. I believe this because every morning on my way to work I pray for courage to change what I can in my life and I am seeing results, so how can I deny this Creator the credit for the changes occurring within on a daily basis? I know it isn't me. I don't have it in me not to want to impress or please others, it is too ingrained in me.
You know what? I find the more I do this the more I like who I am! Funny how that works. The person I am becoming is creative, fun, intelligent and kind. Whats not to like? Sure, I have a long ways to go; I still have flaws that need to be dealt with. But its important I am learning, to see the good in each of us as we work towards ridding ourselves of the things that are not so appealing. That harm ourselves or others even when we don't mean to.
The message I started out with is really what I want to impress upon the reader. And on myself. It is time for me to stop trying so hard to change others, and keep the focus on changing myself. So I guess I will continue to pray each day for the courage to change those things within me that need changing. To trust that my Creator within loves me enough to help with this. After all isn't this what its all about? Life changes?
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