As an individual who am I? What excites me? What are my interests and joys outside my marriage? Do I have what it takes to find out? Do I have the courage to move outside my little area between home and work? Am I ready to be an individual? I have friends, we have friends. But not in relationships that make you look at yourself and make you grow in yourself. My life is safe with no complications and changes to be had. And I must say I am learning quickly it is no longer a life I am comfortable in. I learned last night I want more. I guess I have know for a while, just wasn't ready to admit it to myself, never mind the world. That would mean doing something. And that would mean taking risks and facing challenges. Ok and yes, energy. Let me share how this all came about.
Last night I was at a play with two friends. One of them said I had to get out of my comfort zone. Get out and experience things on my own. This morning I thought on it for a while and realized yes, it is time to take that risk and find out who I really am as an individual. I know my role as a wife, as an employee and responsibilities it takes to fill in these roles. I have friendships and know who I am most of the time with these friends. But as an individual, do I know who I am? What I want to become and to do while I am able? Most important, do I have what it takes to be an individual? To experience new adventures on my own. To take risks without falling back on my husband and friends to tell me who I am or what I need to do. Can I step outside my comfort zone and risk making mistakes or taking a wrong turn now and then? Do I have the most important factor in becoming an individual with her own ideas and fulfilling her desires, courage.
This morning as I reflected on what my friend said I came to see clearly just how dependent I truly had become on one person. How much I handed over because he was so willing to take it. And I also realized just how comfortable I had become in sticking to my little area in life, I had become secluded in my home and work area, never venturing out alone. I kept finding things my husband would enjoy doing with me. Never realizing until last night that there were things I would like to do and try as an individual. Yes, I have friends that I go hiking with or have dinner with; safe things. But what about going out and venturing alone to the museum or theatre when there is no one to go with? What about driving downtown to an art show? I could get lost and never found. I could become a homeless person with a car to sleep in!
How does one become an individual in a marriage relationship? I have heard and come to believe that we cannot fill all the needs of our spouses. No one person can have all the same interests or passions of another; we are different in many ways and have different interests. What I have done for the most part is put my individual away in the closet somewhere. Slowly over the years I forgot she even existed. Until last night that is. Last night she woke up in such a way I cannot explain. And all it took was going to a live play. When those actors and actresses came out on the stage I felt this sense of excitement and happiness I had not felt in such a long time. I laughed and cried at the same time from the strong emotions within me coming out. I could not contain the joy of being at a live play with live actors and actresses. It was a night of such laughter I hurt and cried from the comedy. It was a fun night out with a couple girlfriends. It struck me on the way home that I had done something my husband had no interest in and I enjoyed myself! I enjoyed myself outside my marriage and did not feel guilty! I wasn't sitting there wishing he had come or worrying that I was being selfish. As a matter of fact I didn't think about him at all and this was different for me.
This morning I realized there was an individual within trying to push herself out. There was no more holding back this creative, intelligent woman any longer. (This idea is becoming a regular theme in my life lately). Yes, this brought up fear and a sense of dread. After all it meant I would be venturing into a whole new world. I am beginning to believe it is ok to have my separate life away from my husband. It was ok to have passions that he did not have. I could still fill my passions and interests without him. Just as he could fill his without me. And if he had no interests outside the home, well that was ok too! It did not mean I could not pursue interests and have outside activities separate from him. We have things we enjoy doing together. So why have I been afraid to seek out my own interests as well? Why haven't I seen myself as an individual with her own needs and passions? Because I was afraid.
Fear as I have mentioned before rules my life sometimes. I allow it to keep me in my safe little world. I do not venture past a certain area of town. I do not go to movies alone or seek outside interests with friends. Most importantly, I have not seriously persued writing as something to grow in and to make a big part of my life. And yet, I truly believe deep down I have so much I could share and help others with. My life experiences, some of which are difficult to talk about or acknowledge are the very things that need to be shared. Why? Because there are others out there who are just like me. Who feel they are the only ones who feel insecure, afraid, not good enough. And so we stay in our safe little worlds where we belong. We are not good enough to play with the "big" people. We are not in the right classs of people to show up in certain entertainments. Lies. All lies my friends. Today I can no longer sit back and be the person I thought I had to be. I can no longer pretend sitting home and being a house wife was good enough. As much as I love my husband and being with him; I also long for a life separate from him. I want to live as an individual within a marriage. Is this possible? Can two people live together and yet live as individuals?
Last night something woke up inside me that can no longer be contained. After experiencing such joy and excitement being in that theatre watching live people acting on stage, I could no longer contain the happiness inside. I laughed so hard it hurt. I felt a sense of joy and freedom I had lost long ago. And it was all my doing. Little by little throughout the last 18 or 19 years I have given up my individuality. I handed myself over piece by piece without realizing I was doing it! My wonderful husband took over areas in the relationship because he didn't mind and enjoyed doing things for me. But what this did was take away who I was. How? Well lets see.
I stopped filling my car with gas. I stopped running to the store for small items because he was willing to do it. We each do our own laundry (I have no plans to change that by the way), he does the grocery shopping. What do I do? I help clean up the house when needed. I go to work, I go out to meet with friends, I lie on the couch and watch silly reality television, I read, and I complain about not having a life. Whose fault is that? Who allowed herself to disappear?
So this week I filled my own car with gas and I stopped at the store for a few items instead of asking my husband to; (or mentioning I was out of gas knowing he would offer to go fill it). It is as if I am suddenly growing up all over again. It is amazing how easily I was able to let go of areas in my life, including our financial affairs and just let him do it all. I thought this was great. I had no worries. I wasn't asked or expected to do anything I wasn't comfortable doing. And the less I did the more uncomfortable I became doing things. I slowly went from being an independent self sufficient (to a degree) woman to a dependent, fearful woman who doesn't go outside her little area. A woman who stays in her safe little box. Wow, this was an eye opener let me tell you. I did not like what I was seeing at all. I was no longer, nor had been for some time, an individual. I did nothing outside my comfort zone. I tried always to find things my husband would enjoy doing with me. I thought that was how it worked. I did not realize until last night, while out with these two good friends, that I could have outside interests and do things by myself that did not include my husband or even my friends. I could do things I enjoyed all by myself. I could be a grown up and still enjoy the benefits of marriage and friendships.
I wonder how many people go to a play and learn something so huge about themselves. I became so alive at that theatre. The exciting, creative, fun person inside wanted out and wanted out bad. The brave little girl was ready to come out and play. And the fearful, somewhat insecure adult was now willing to let her. Actually wanted her to come out and play.
Individual. Wow. It is amazing that one word could stir up so much inside me. that a simple word, individual, could wake up things inside me I didn't know existed. There is no turning back now if I am to be happy. I can try to go back to being a housewife, an employee, a friend and leave it there. But I will not be happy. Not truly happy. I have woken up the woman inside that wants to experience new things, go to new places and to do these things alone or with girlfriends who share the same excitement and interests. I want to know it is ok to have interests outside my marriage. How much fun would it be to be able to come home and have something interesting to share with each other?
Yes, I finally realize I am an individual with her own interests, passions, and sense of adventure. I want to do things and see things I haven't. they don't have to be extravagant or huge. Like going to this play last night. That wasn't huge, but it was a new experience, a thrill and I learned something about myself I didn't know before; I love the theatre! I love everything about it; the stage, the costumes, the live actors on the stage. I want to experience more of it. Maybe even be in a play just once! Going and enjoying this evening has made me wonder what other activities I have missed and may have enjoyed and loved. I don't want to miss out anymore. I don't want to be dependent on anyone any longer. From now on it is about "sharing" in my marriage, instead of depending on him. It is shameful to admit how much I have taken him for granted. How easily I allow him to do things for me. It is time to say "thank you but I can do it" once in a while.
I need to get off the couch and experience little things that lead up to the big things. I want to take back some responsibilities and be a grown up. It is healthier. No one should be completely dependent on another person to do all things in a relationship. It should be shared. And then there needs to be individual time for individual interests a part from one another. This is both frightening and exciting at the same time. I am growing up all over again. Or maybe I am finally growing up!
Life has a new meaning to me now and with the help and support of my husband and wonderful friends I know and now believe I can be and do whatever I choose to be and do. The only one stopping me is me. If I continue to be bored, angry or frustrated with my life it is my doing. Only I can take responsibility to change what needs to be changed. And with the help of my Creator I can become the individual I was created to be. I just have to continue to take risks and walk through the fears that come up.
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