I spent six days back in CT where I grew up. But realized I have lived here in Colorado longer than in Connecticut. I was anxious about the trip. Wasn't sure how I would get along with my sisters I hadn't seen in 15 years. I had made all these plans. None of which went accordingly. They went better than I had expected. It was six days of fun, laughter and acceptance. To see the beach again was wonderful and we did not see enough of it. Touring Mark Twain's home and Harriet Beecher Stowe was filled with interesting facts. I want to learn more about this amazing woman, she was way ahead of her time. I was not ready to come home, and I still feel like I am not home. It can only be described as feeling homesick for a home I left years ago. I want to go back there. I would like to spend my last years close to my family and I am going to make it happen some how. Maybe not in a year, perhaps it will take a few years, but it will happen. It was a great surprise to hear my husband, who is a Denver native say he would move without hesitation in his voice. It made it seem more possible. Now what about my son? I won't worry about that just yet as there is a lot to do before making this decision possible. But I will make lists and goals and work towards it one step at a time. If it is to be it will. If not, I do know I will do what it takes to not allow so much time go by again for my next family reunion. I felt I was finally a part of my family and not the outcast I had always felt like. Some of it of my own making. I tend to be over sensitive and can react to people and situations in manners that are not appropriate; over reacting you might say.
Spending time with my best friend from high school whom I hadn't seen in 30 years was one of the best times. It was as if no time had gone by at all! We acted silly and played in her pool all day, we laughed until we cried, shared stories. My husband and her husband got along really well and talked the whole time! It was a day I will cherish for a long time. She showed me what I had been missing all these years. A friendship based on fun, acceptance and encouragement. A friendship where you can't lie about anything because the relationship is too important and its safe to be truthful no matter what it is.
There were sad moments with one sister who is having her own problems with over medicating; the two times I had time to spend with her were cut short because she was too out of it to have a conversation with. It was my first day and my last. I cried because it hurt so much to see how she was living. I wanted to take her away from it all, but I know it is her problem, not mine to change. I am not responsible for her life. But it was disappointing and though I love her dearly, I did not like the woman I met on this vacation. Although I knew she could not help herself, I still found myself upset and angry that she could not stay straight for my last night in town. But it also showed me who she had become and that I had no control what so ever in how she chooses to live her life.
We can't make others be who we want them to be. I can't even make myself who I want to be. I need my Creator's help. Each morning I pray to be the person I can be that day. Some days I fail. While we were in New York, which by the way I learned I hate New York, I became someone I hated. I allowed another stranger bring out my ugly side and allowed myself to get into a verbal fight in public. I could see my husbands face and right away felt ashamed. He is the only one who can make me feel this way when I am doing something I know is wrong. I embarrassed him and it made me sick for two days. The good side of all this is that I actually knew it was wrong and felt remorse, I knew I was wrong no matter what the other person's actions were. I was wrong in my reaction to her. I broke my new rule; "Let it Begin with Me." When I do something horrible like call someone a name that I would never normally even think of, never mind use out loud, it takes days to forgive myself. To let it go. I want to go back undo it; handle it differently. But everyone kept saying 'let it go". So I will let it go and learn from it. I will meditate on it and ask myself what the underlying cause of my reaction was. No doubt embarrassment and pride had something to do with it. I will accept that I am still "a work in progress" who needs a Higher Power's help to change these things in me. To guide me into that mature spiritual being that I want to be.
I was surprised to find that the two sisters I was most concerned about were the two I loved being around the most. And the one I thought I was going to be happy hanging out with turned out to be the one I least wanted to visit with. It was good that God took over and made it work out that we stayed at a hotel the whole visit. The only regret I have about the visit is that it was too short. I had projected all these things that were gong to go wrong or happen; had discussions in my head on what I was going to say or do when this or that happened. Have you ever done that? And none of it happened! When will I learn to stop projecting the future! God must get such enjoyment watching me continue believing I have control over things in my life. The whole trip was nothing but fun and relaxing. Except for all the traveling. Who knew vacations were so exhausting! I didn't.
Sitting back and just watching the family interact with each other was an eye opener. At the beginning I thought, my they are very sarcastic to one another, yelling a lot. As time went on I began to enjoy their bantering back and forth. I saw the love they had for each other and knew without a doubt they had each other's backs. And when I left I knew for certain they had mine as well. I left feeling I had a family and I want to spend more time with them. I want to be a part of their daily lives. Maybe not daily, but you know what I mean. Family gatherings, having them over for dinner, going shopping, that kind of thing. And I am going to make it happen. And I believe my son will eventually follow us out there. He will have family and I won't have to worry about him being alone in the world when we are gone. Ok, I am beginning to project again. Ok, maybe a bit of controlling as well.
My girlfriend brought back an interest and passion I had a long time ago and had forgotten completely. How much I enjoy book keeping! I love numbers. I loved taking care of people's accounts. When did I lose that? How did I forget and why did I not pursue it? I don't know. I got into the health field in LTC and forgot the one thing I loved doing. So now I will go back to learning what I need to learn to be a bookkeeper. It could mean extra funds for my saving account to go back east next year.
It is exciting to have goals again. To have something to strive for. It will take a lot of discipline and energy, it will mean not allowing others to discourage my desires or cause me to lose hope or belief. It is time to take responsibility for my life and what it is and what it becomes. It is my responsibility to teach others how they can treat me or not treat me. On a couple of occasions on vacation I was given the opportunity to stand up and say that is not what I wanted. Or, this is unacceptable please fix it. And it helped me gain more self confidence.
I know a lot of what is going on within is spiritual. You may not understand this but the fact is; the stronger I grow in my relationship with a spiritual guide; a Creator, the God of creation. Whatever it is you want to refer this Spiritual Being, the stronger a person I become. I have noticed a strong desire lately to be more creative and to trust the creative person within. What I still lack is the discipline to create. I continue to not be willing to give up things like television, computer games etc. and use that time to be creative or be outdoors. I guess if I am to be truthful, I am lazy. I get tired faster. I also believe not having someone who is creative and disciplined in my life helps me to be lazy. To make excuses not to do what I can. I need to meet and be around women who don't allow for excuses. Who encourage me to get off the couch and quit being so lazy. To stop being a child and grow up.
Being with family that is dysfunctional yet loving has brought up something in me I needed for a long time. The sense of forgiveness. I left finally believing deep down I was forgiven for who I had been in the past and loved for who I was today. What a great freedom. Freedom of feeling guilty all these years for not being there for them when they needed me. Freedom from feeling like the outsider. I can text and write now and know they will keep in touch as well. They too, including my nieces want us to move back there. To not wait so long to visit again. I left Connecticut feeling loved.
I know we still have our dysfunctional sides. How could we not with the upbringing we had. You cannot grow up in an alcoholic situation and not come out scarred somehow. But you can overcome those traits if you are willing and I have been willing for some time now. And I will continue to do what it takes to continue to change and accept others as they are. Most important, I will continue to keep a conscious contact with a Higher Power and rely on him to continue changing what needs to be changed in me. I will practice on a daily basis keeping the focus on me; not the other person. What do I need to do that is right. "Let it Begin With Me." I love that saying. I will use it as my mantra as I practice meditating.
I feel so content, so free as I write these words. And I am beginning to find myself writing ideas on the side in a notebook for short stories. I want to get back to writing for children and spiritual insights. Make up stories using real life situations. There is so much I want to do and feel anxious that I have such little time to do it all. Working full time does not make it easier. but again, I cannot make anymore excuses. There is still time in the day to do little things. Before and after work. During lunch breaks. I just have to pray for the willingness and energy, to be willing to get off my butt and start being the woman I can respect and love.
This journal entry has been all over the place. But it is where my head is right now. I am home in Colorado trying to get back into my normal life, yet my heart and mind is still in Connecticut. I don't feel like I am home anymore. It is a weird place to me emotionally. But I know in time it will get back to normal. Maybe going back to work Monday will help. All I can say is, this trip back to see family, to see where I grew up and to be with my friend woke something up in me that has been dormant a long time. Hope of returning home. I gave that up a long time ago and this trip has brought it back up to the surface. It will be interesting to see where it goes from here. Will I act on it or will it go dormant again? Only time will tell.
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