I have always been a black and white thinker. It either was it was not. No maybe. I didn't know how to think "outside the box." Or maybe I was afraid to. I don't always trust my own decisions or ideas. I have come to see this in colors as well. All my clothes have to be matched "perfectly", no mixing. Truth be told, I don't know how to mix colors. So I stick to the boring wardrobe of matching outfits. And I am hating it more and more. It is not me. I am a colorful person, I am fun and enjoy experimenting and trying new things. Yet to see my home or closet, you would get a different impression of who I am. Those of you who know me, maybe you too, see me different than what I am writing about who I want to be.
How does one mix colors without going to the extreme? I see these women who wear colorful scarves with colorful long skirts and I think to myself, how does she do that? I want to do that. But I am so afraid of mixing the wrong colors and proving to people I am "way out there." On the other hand, who cares, really? Isn't it time to be true to myself and have a little fun?
To be a creative woman I need to "act the part". Be creative in all I do. How I live. But I need teachers. I need women in my life who are not afraid to dress outside the wardrobe sort of speak. Women who are creative in their own right, their own crafts. We cannot know what we do not know! No matter how old I get, I am always finding new interests I didn't know I had. Or new things I like. For instance, just the other day I was in my craft closet and was looking for a button. I opened one of the drawers I keep my colored buttons and suddenly it struck me, I love buttons! Always been drawn to the different button racks whenever I go into a fabric store; but I didn't realize why. And I never thought for an instant I could just buy them because I liked them! No way, that's thinking outside the box. You can't just buy something cause you like it! No, you need a reason. At least that is how I used to think. Lately, if it hasn't shown yet, I have been changing my thinking process. Or maybe my Creator is working through me since I have begun to relax and give him more control in my life. Anyway, I am now the button collector lady.
Is this all just a midlife crisis? Wanting to be a totally different person than I have been all my life? I really believe deep down that I have always had a creative person living inside me. But she was pushed way down as child by insults and degrading remarks. Eventually that part of me just gave up. Now she is slowly, shyly creeping back up to the surface and this time I want her to fly! To express herself completely. Who would it be hurting? I am nervous, lets be honest. To change who people have known you to be is not always comfortable for them or yourself. They may not like the new me and see her as a quirky kind of women. Hell, they may think I have gone over the edge or am manic! There I go again, being more worried about what others will think than allowing myself to just be me and be happy. Worrying about making sure others will see me in a positive light rather than step out and be who I want to be.
I am not completely happy inside. No one is to blame but me. Not being honest with who you are and living as that person can only bring about a sense of anxiety. Not liking parts of yourself and unable to change them is difficult. I just don't know where or how to start. I know what styles excite me when I see them on other women. Styles that shout out creativity, clothing that lets people know you are not afraid to be different. I don't want to be afraid to be different. But I am. And that is the part of me I dislike so much. Its that people-pleaser in me that I want to squash into the ground.
So then, where to begin. First I have to make a list of what colors I like. Then a list of things in the house to get rid of and bring in. Then there is a list of To-Dos to get the house and my wardrobe into what I desire. Oh there is that darn list again. No more lists. I will do this; when I see something I like, something I find appealing and grabs my attention, I will write it down! Then later I will bring it to mind and see how I can duplicate it so it fits me. I certainly don't want to "copy" someone else or become their clone.
It is time to gain the courage I need to be the person I want to be. Who I believe I have always been but was never allowed to as a child growing up. There was no room for being different, my goodness what would people think! So I went with the style that was going on. Remember the long frizzed out hair? The wide pants and the headbands? Tie-dyed clothes. (My parents hated it and forbid us to wear them). Of course it is all coming back now. I don't want to go back in time. But must say I do like the tie-dye.
Perhaps I should just put money aside each week and ask one of the ladies who I admire the way they dress to take me shopping. (At a thrift store of course). I don't have the finances to just go shopping in some outrageous shop that sells outrageous clothing. I just need a few scarves, some material to make the skirts, I saw some I really liked this weekend but didn't have the funds to buy it. Maybe I need a pattern that doesn't call for so much material to make.
I am babbling. Babbling because I am growing more and more frustrated and anxious about all this. It may seem petty to you, but at my age I don't have thirty years to get it together!
I could go through my closet and start ripping different pieces I don't really like apart and mixing them up and sewing them together. A sleeve off one blouse I don't necessarily like and sew it onto another top I am not in love with and make a whole new blouse of mix and match and bam! A blouse that is different, creative and me! How difficult can that be? Ok, maybe I better ask for help.
Well, guess I will quit writing and go do something creative. I am working on a cross stitch for Halloween, if I don't start on it I won't have it done and will put it away with all the other holiday crafts I start and don't get done in time for the holiday. But no more. From now on I am going to finish what I start and on time! Gosh, I sure hope I am not the only one who has these crazy ideas and thoughts that go round and round in our heads some days.
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