I am not sure what happened this year. I have never been effected by a birthday as I have this year. And its not even a mild stone birthday. I turned 57. But somehow it finally struck me I wasn't young anymore. I wasn't even middle aged. I have been finding myself taking stock of my life and realizing how many years I have wasted on thinking and writing about what I was going to do or what I needed to do, yet never doing any of it! The question keeps popping into my head, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Am I gong to change something? If so, what? Who is this person living in my skin? If I continue on this journey of discovery will I like who I meet?
All my life I have allowed others to tell me who I should be. What I was worth. I was never encouraged to go after what I wanted. And eventually I stopped wanting. I quit dreaming. Little by little I became a people pleaser. Doing and saying what I thought would make you happy, and if you were happy than I could be happy. Everything depended on what others thought or felt. And as long as I didn't have to confront you or do something that might hurt you or make you mad, even though I was suffering, life was ok. What I didn't know was that I was slowly, little by little losing who I was and becoming bitter and angry. You saw me laughing and joking. But you didn't see the hurt little girl inside. Now, the past year has slowly begun changing me. What used to be tolerable is no longer tolerable. How I see things is different. I don't want to be a chameleon any longer. And so now I have to re-define who I am. Perhaps the real sentence should be, now I need to define myself since I really have never had my own identity. it is this realization that has brought about these sudden crazy ideas. Ideas of wanting to change everything, my wardrobe, my house. I want to start over completely. But the stinker is this; I don't know who or what I want to change into! So I just keep going through my closet looking and looking but not knowing what to throw out because I don't know what I want to replace it with! I have ideas in my head but I don't have a lot of money to spend on a whole new wardrobe. And its not like I want a lot. As a matter of fact one thing I have learned about myself is that I am becoming less and less materialistic in the fashion sense and leaning more and more towards simplicity with color. But now I have this huge pile of clothes that I have no idea what to do with!
That's it! I have to simplify my life. Get rid of all the clutter inside my house and inside my head. I want to learn how to keep my life simple. Let the world continue on without me trying to fix it all.
So how do I start? Where does an older women begin a new "her". How do I find out what my passion is? Where does a person get motivation to try new things? I haven't a clue where to start. My house is showing the clutter and confusion that is going on in my head. Am I having a mid-life crisis? Do women have mid-life crisis like men do? I can't imagine someone my age even thinking about being with a man ten years younger than myself. What do young men see in old shriveled up women anyway? Why would you go after last weeks leftovers when you can have a fresh steak today? I even changed doctors a few years back because I couldn't stand the idea of a young male doctor examine me and seeing this old body. It was getting embarrassing.
Getting older brings about so many questions and desires all at once. I feel both anxious of growing older faster, and yet at the same time there is something deep inside me that is excited. There is an enthusiasm and hope I hadn't experienced before. I want to try new things even if afraid. I want to learn everything, yet don't know where to start so I just sit around in front of the t.v. contemplating and watching women around me living their lives and wishing it were me. Well by golly, it is me! I talked to my husband, Steve, (its time to give him a name don't you think?) and I am going to join "Curves" My only concern is, if I lose weight that I do not need to lose, where is the extra skin going to go? Let me explain how this question came about.
This past weekend I was out shopping for bras. Yes, I still need bras. I am not at that stage yet where they sag down enough to just tuck into my underpants. So there I was trying on this bra in my usual size. Or so I thought. I was in for a rude awakening. The scale may say I still weigh the same but my body parts weren't getting the message! There was skin and fat coming out all over that bra! I just stood there staring at myself wondering when the hell does it stop? Every day I am seeing changes confirming I have lost the last bit of youth I had. Let me just say this. The full length mirror is no longer my friend. I couldn't tell what was skin and what was fat. Did I need to lose weight or would that just cause more wrinkled skin to hang over and through my bra? Not to mention over my pants. It was horrible having to walk out of that fitting room and tell my husband, "I need a bigger size." He just smiled and said, "Aren't you glad you tried them on first?" I wanted to hit him and scream, "No you idiot! I don't feel glad about anything right now!" But I remained calm. After all it wasn't his fault. He hadn't seen what I saw. Then I realized he had seen it! We are married for goodness sakes! But when I complained to him how terrible I looked and that from now on I was getting dressed in the bathroom and he was not to look when I got into bed any more, he just laughed and reminded me that he too was changing and sagging and that we were growing old together. Personally I think he was trying to "get some." I guess that could be a compliment in a cute sort of way. At least he still finds me attractive sagging skin and all. But I am still horrified by what I saw. Some women would tell me to embrace it. Accept it as a part of life. I say to you, screw this embracing crap. I want my old body back! So I did something I knew would make me feel young and sexy again, even for just a short time. I seduced my husband into making love to me. Yes, in case some young lady in her thirties is reading this, we still have sex in our fifties and sixties. Lets just say its "different." And it worked. And I got up the next morning feeling ok with who I was. But there are other areas in my life to remind me daily I am an older woman. Not middle aged, older.
In the work place for instance. I have noticed how old I feel suddenly. I look around and realize there is only one other lady in the office who is older than I. And she will no doubt retire in few years. I wish I could look forward to retirement. I sometimes worry if my husband and I will have the opportunity to have a few good years to enjoy after working so hard for so many years. Seems like our government just wants to keep us baby boomers working until we die so they don't have to pay us social security. I believe that is why they keep raising the retirement age. Makes me feel so powerless and mad. Ok, back at the office. I notice the younger generation, or maybe its just a sign of the times; but people don't have the same work ethnics. I work with a person who does just enough to keep their job while I have to pick up the slack. Others are on their phones texting or talking constantly throughout the day. And I know I am seen as an old lady, I am left out of things a lot and don't fit in. I don't have kids in school or my job is not tied into other jobs in the office so there is really no reason to come talk to me. Sad but true. I don't feel happy at work. Thank goodness for the friendships I am developing outside of work. This is not to say I don't get along in the office. My sense of humor makes me belong in a small way. Making people laugh is one trait I can hang onto. It is fun to see I can bring laughter to others, even in the workplace of young people.
There is a positive thing in my life right now. I am developing relationships with other women who have the same feelings as I do and are going through or have been through the mid-life crisis and hot flashes. I am reading "The Hot Flash Club" and can relate so much to what these ladies are doing, it is a great book if you are feeling alone and like you are crazy. It is a relief to realize there is a name for what I am going through. Menopause.
So, I have allowed myself to be affected in a couple negative areas due to this birthday for a while now which is why I haven't blogged actually. Didn't know if this is what I really want to blog about anymore. Who cares about what a woman in her menopausal years is going through? Who cares to read about my new adventures I feel coming up. That's where the excitement is about. Although I am whining a bit, ok a lot; I also have this positive sense that something good and wonderful is coming my way. I only need to be ready and open to it when it comes. I need to be willing to take risks and to stand up and say, "This is who I am now and I don't care what you think." I don't even have to believe it all the time, you know that saying, "Fake it til you Make It." What I want today may not be what I want tomorrow. I keep changing my mind day to day! And you know what? As far as I am concerned that is ok with me. Life now is all about change for me. Experimenting to see what fits and what doesn't in my new journey. My next phase of life.
Now it is up to me to begin living to suit myself. Begin doing those things that will boost my self-confidence and respect. I know now that these things cannot come from other people. I can be encouraged and pushed in a positive direction, but ultimately it is up to me who I am comfortable being. I am the one who has to live in my own skin. I believe I was born with a certain amount of creativity. I see things others don't when out in nature; like faces or animals in a tree bark or on a mountain side. I love colors and find bright colors excite me. But I don't know how to put them together or if I need to. That's where friends who know these things can help. I want to learn how to create and think outside the box. Take risks with colors and designs. Maybe even begin learning new hobbies like sketching. Oh how I love stencil drawings!
In a couple months I hope to have my very own room completed. It will be my sanctuary. Away from the front of the house. I am in the planning stages right now of how I want to set it up as a meditation/craft room. Again friends will help. But first there is a lot of de-cluttering I have to do in another room so we can move the stuff out of one into another to make this happen. It is over-whelming if I don't remember to take one little section at a time. That is something else I have learned. I don't have to complete something in a hurry before enjoying other things. I can work hard for a short period of time on one part of my life while at the same time, taking breaks and working on the things I enjoy. I used to believe I couldn't enjoy something unless I completed certain tasks. So I would find myself doing nothing. Just lying around watching t.v. feeling sorry for my boring life. Well let me say this. Lately my life is not boring. Cluttered and confusing at times, but definitely not boring.
So, my main object is to get out of this slump. Stop focusing on the things I wished I had done or done differently and start focusing on the things I can do today. Really put an honest effort into living in the moment. And asking myself, is this really what I want to be doing or am I doing it to impress someone or because I think I should. Am I going to figure out what my passion is and blog about that! In the meantime I will continue just sharing my day to day awareness's and hoping I am not alone in my insane thinking. Wait a minute! I am blogging my topic, my passion. What life through menopause is about! Duh. When did that stop being enough? When did I begin to doubt what I was blogging about?
I didn't want my readers, if I still have any, to think I had stopped writing. I was just "on a break" you might say. Now I need, no, want to get back to working on the room de-cluttering. But I must be able to live with piles as I move these rooms around. Its like the emotional changes going on in my head. I have to allow the noise once in a while in order to enjoy the quiet thoughts. I will put up with a temporary messy house so I can one day enjoy a quiet personal room all my own. Maybe this birthday slump has finally passed! And all I had to do was share it. Just getting it out has helped me to see that all I need to do is accept that this is part of life that I cannot change. So lets do what will make it less painful and more enjoyable. Even if this means being and acting a little crazy at times.
I guess women do have their own mid-life crisis after all. I just haven't heard any share about theirs. My poor husband. He has no idea what is ahead for him. But at least we can go through this craziness together and laugh at each other on the way. Now I can see all the many blessings I have in my life and will say, Cathie, Happy Birthday!
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