More and more I learn new things about myself and about my life. It is as if I became willing one day to look at myself and that willingness snowballed into this whole new world for me. And it keeps rolling and collecting data about who I am, things I do unconsciously and things I would like to try even if I am afraid. It is also over-whelming at times as well and at these times I take a break and work on something fun, or I call a friend. Other times my Creator will put someone in front of me that helps me hear something useful. This is exactly what happened a week ago. I heard a gentleman talking about something called "the three A's". My ears were pricked with interest. What could these three words possibly mean? I didn't get a lot of information from what was said, but I did hear enough to get me thinking. During the coming week I was astounded at what an impact these three simple words had on me.
When I become aware of something, I have an opportunity to change it or learn from it. Or I simply just become aware of it and say, "Hmm, so that is why that happened." The problem is that I have become more and more aware of things I do not find acceptable in my life and I don't have the courage to change some of them. Sometimes I don't know why I suddenly go from being in a great mood to being extremely agitated or angry. Or so I told myself. Deep down I knew what was going on, where these emotions were coming from. I just didn't want to admit it. To admit it means change. And that is not always a good thing. I don't want to admit I am unhappy or that I want something new in my life. What would that mean? But the truth is, I do want new things in my life. I am not getting any younger and and lets face it, not getting any more attractive either. But seriously, is it wrong for a woman my age to still desire to be pursued? To be cherished and the most important person in someone's life? What would that feel like? This is an awareness that came up a while back. An awareness I was too afraid to look at, to admit to. I didn't know what it would mean.
Yes, I hear those of you who know me saying, "but you have a wonderful husband". Yes, he is a great guy. But he doesn't meet all the important needs I have. I mean admit it, wouldn't it be wonderful to have your guy walk into the room, turn the t.v. off or take the book out of your hand and say, "I want some time with you, lets talk or go do something." Talk about feeling important. Sometimes I get so jealous when I see a guy openly show affection to his wife or girlfriend, as if to say this lady is precious to me and I want the whole world to know it. Or hearing a man bragging on his wife and what a wonderful woman she is. I know he loves me, but for goodness sakes, I am tired of being the one in the relationship to make the first move for us to do something together. I get tired of always being the one bragging on how good he is at this or that. All it does is make me look like the bad guy when I get angry and try to complain about him! The longer we are together the mo re I am becoming aware of things I didn't know were so important to me. And those I did know I stuffed down so I didn't have to look at them. Growing up I was not taught or shown that I was worthy of being cherished or loved deeply. I didn't know I was important just because I was who I was and that was good enough to be loved. I always felt I had to earn it. I continued to live this lie into my adulthood. Taking what I learned as a child into my adulthood only lead me to attracting men who used me or were emotionally unavailable. This is not to place blame. Remember, we are talking about becoming aware of things in ourselves so we can change them.
What I am talking about is being treated with gentleness, kindness and respect. Having a conversation instead of sharing opinions. Or going out somewhere and sharing the fun. I have become aware of the fact that we, my spouse and I, don't have a whole lot of interests in common and do not share the same views on things nor enjoy a lot of the same things; wow talk about opposites attract! When I first became aware of this I was terrified. I just knew it meant divorce. I mean really, how can two people live together who have nothing in common and still be happy? I had to look long and hard at this, I had to ask myself could I live with someone I did not have anything in common with? I knew I wanted a relationship, not just companionship. This was a huge awareness in my life and was what started me on this journey of what I call my midlife moments. Perhaps that is just a nice way of saying I am having a midlife crisis. We will save that for a future post. Anyway, I knew things were going to have to change. But what? How? And that is where the next simple but strong letter "A" word came in. Acceptance.
It was difficult to accept that I was not going to be able to change this important man in my life into the knight in shining Armour. Nor was I willing to leave him to go looking for one. Remember what I said earlier, I attract emotionally unavailable men? I highly doubt that has changed since I have just become aware of it. No, what I learned is that I have to accept I can't change him or anyone else into who I want him or them to be. They are who they are. He is who he was when I married him and I chose to marry him anyway, faults and all. What I didn't know was that as time went on the things I found bothersome would eventually turn into resentments. Anger. And I would have to deal with these emotions somehow. And I did. For a while I blew up at him at little stuff. One moment we would be having a great time, then shortly afterwords I found myself in a rage. Something he did would remind me that I was not going to get what I needed from him emotionally. And this fear or truth would turn into anger. Poor guy had no clue what the hell had just happened. Of course I realize some of this could just be menopause, but I refuse to let him off the hook that easy. That is another thing I had to accept. I put myself into positions to be taken advantage of. I don't stand up for myself, for what I need. But the real truth here is a huge pill to swallow. And that truth is this. My husband, my boss, my friends, any one who is a part of my life cannot fill all my needs. Only I can. And that sucks. I didn't want to give up the dream that one day I would have someone who cherished me. Who thought of me as one hell of a lady and showed it. Most men just assume you know they love you, they do things for you and that should be enough. They don't know how to be emotionally available. And that is why acceptance is so important in this situation and situations like it with any relationship, whether it is at work with a co-workers, a family member or in friendships. It is up to me to fill my own needs. But I have to admit, once I began to accept these things, and just for the record, it isn't always easy, it still frustrates me to have to be the one to plan things and do things together, I don't want to scare anyone or mislead anyone into thinking I have this down pat. What I am saying is that once I do accept it my life becomes more serene and, to my surprise, a little exciting. Because if I am responsible for my own happiness; if I am the one who has to fill my own emotional needs, then I get to pick what those needs and wants are and how I am going to fill them! And who knows me better and what will bring me joybetter than me? See, even this is a new awareness! I get to decide what I am willing to do to get what I need. I am the one who says what will take priority in what time I have left on this earth. Do I accept this now or do I continue sitting around feeling sorry for myself and being hurt and angry because I don't "feel" special enough or because I don't feel like I am being treated right. I believe I will chose acceptance. And so this leads to the final "A" word, Action.
Now I have to take the appropriate action to get my needs met. To be truly happy and content. And I finally know how. After all these years I finally know how to be happy. Are you ready? Its so simple, I have heard it so many times and thought how ridiculous it sounded, but now I find it is true. The action I can take is to be the person I have been looking for! Be that motivator I need in order to accomplish things and try new things. Be that best friend who accepts me warts and all. Go do the very things I don't want to do but know will make me feel confident and better about myself. Encourage myself to go do something I am afraid to do. Bottom line, it is up to me to cherish myself. To show others what a wonderful lady I am, how important I am. Stop hiding under all this self-pity and self loathing waiting for others to pull me up and wash me off. Its not their responsibility. Sure I would still love to experience being cherished, being extra special to someone and deep down I know I am, but yet it would be nice to have it reaffirmed with action on another's part. But today it is what it is. And to be quite frank, I am actually excited about the idea of being my own best friend. No one can tell me whats best for me or what I "should" do if I am not depending on them to make me happy.
Wow, three simple words and yet such a big impact on me. Lately I have begun small changes, but now I am working on bigger ones. And I am walking through fears. Yesterday for example. I got up and thought to myself, "I don't want to come straight home after work." So I packed up my lap top and decided I was going to do something I never had the nerve to do before. I was going to go to a coffee shop, order myself a latte and type away. After all, isn't that what real writers do? I love coffee shops. I love watching people. But my plan backfired. I got all set up only to find I couldn't get on their internet site, and since I was alone I didn't have help. Then I couldn't get my latte because the worker behind the counter was busy washing all the parts to the coffee machine! Oh well, the important thing I had to remember was that I finally did it. I acted on a desire in spite of the fear and uncomfortable feeling of believing I wasn't good enough to be there. I had taken responsibility to do something I would enjoy doing and I didn't have to have someone with me. I was being a grown up! OK, so maybe it didn't work out this time. But its the fact that I took action! I didn't use my husband as an excuse as to why I couldn't do something, that I needed to get home to him. Isn't that what married women are supposed to do, go straight home and cook supper? He is wonderful in that area. I have the best of both worlds really. A terrific husband who does not have a problem with me having a life of my own and doing things that do not include him. Remember, we don't have a whole lot in common nor share the same interests. But what we do have is pretty darn nice and I will take that over divorce any day!
So, as new awareness's crop up, as I slowly accept them and take the risk of acting upon them in which ever way that may be, I have a very good feeling I am beginning a whole new journey in my life. That this is the beginning of the next chapter in my life. I feel like a little girl who is just beginning her first year in kindergarten. Excited and scared all at the same time. And of course not being able to wait to share it with someone! Thankfully I am being blessed on a regular basis with new and wonderful friends I can share the good and the difficult situations with. I have a new motto for my life, if it doesn't enhance my life nor make me a better person, than it or they do not belong in my life. I get to choose now who and what will be a part of my life. Wow that is a good feeling. I used to believe I should be happy with anyone willing to be in my life. Talk about having it back words!
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