In this mornings reading I came to the passage in Luke 11: 35, where it says, "See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness." When I read that verse I was suddenly struck with the thought; "Am I walking in the light when I react to situations around me in a "worldly" manner? How hard am I actually trying to live differently?
When I am frustrated or angry with a co-worker or neighbor for instance and I show my anger, am I not reacting in a worldly manner? Of course I know the answer. And if I shun someone because I dislike them or they offended me somehow, then am I not living as the world lives and not being any different than anyone else in this world of darkness? Again I know the answer. I just hope you don't. And to my shagrin, there are times when I like living in the world, as part of the world. It is so much easier! It doesn't take courage or strength; it doesn't cause me discomfort or being treated as an outcast. To live by our world's expectations is so much easier because not too much is expected of me as compared to God's expectations of me.
When I read this passage above, I was made aware of just how much I live in sin on a daily basis. How little effort some days, I put into living as a true servant of Jesus. On the outside I do not look any different than my non-believing friends or co-workers. And lets face it, no matter how spiritual I may feel on the inside, those around me see the outside. No matter how good my intentions, others see my actions.
The cause for my sinful actions is that I am "reacting" to worldly turmoil and stress, and not "Acting" by the fruits of the spirit. It is so much easier to be controlled by pride, fear and self-pity than to do the next right thing. Although God continues to convict me on a daily basis, the human part of me continues to choose the easier, softer path on a daily, living according to worldly expectations and not according to God's Will.
You see, if I do not like a co-worker or feel she is not pulling her weight, I shun her. And when I do have to speak to her ( or him) I will make sure it is in a tone that lets her know I dislike her. After all, my pride says she needs to be put in her place and it is my responsibility to let her know. This is called passive-aggressive behavior I believe. A fancy way of saying, immature behavior.
Or take my husband for instance. God tells me to be loving and submissive, (treat him with respect as the man of the house). I say, "why do I have to do all the changing?" Another form of self-pity. Looking at "all" I do and not taking into account all he does. (Even though I do more of course). And yet, everytime I react in anger, self-pity and revenge, I add another "spike into the cross". I do not show others around me or my husband who God really is. Loving, forgiving, patient and kind. To name just a few of His wonderful attributes.
So how do I rid myself of this sin called pride? How do I relieve myself from Satan's clutches? It is only through prayer and admitting to my fellow Christian brother and sister's of this weakness. However, Repentance isn't merely saying, I am sorry. True repentance is the willingness to say I sinned, please forgive me and then not repeating the behavior. But I don't want to admit I was wrong!! Why do I have to say I am sorry when he/she "started it." How pathetic and immature I continue to be. And I hate this in myself.
For a few days I can be living as Christ showed me how to live. To conduct myself in a manner worthy of calling myself a Believer in Christ. A Christian. Then, WHAM, my evil human side comes to the service and I am once again this angry, self-pitying being that I have come to loathe. I can only be grateful to God for sending his wonderful son to give me hope that I will not always be this way. (Right God?) In the meantime, I will continue reading and being convicted. I will continue to practice living by the spirit and not reacting to the world around me. And most important of all, I will continue each morning to pray for God's strength and power to be in my life for the upcoming hours. Sad thing is, he answers my prayers and then I choose to ignor his message because I don't like it.
At these moments of conviction I am forced to ask myself, "Just how hard am I trying to live differently?
There is a big difference between living in sin due to weakness and living in sin intentionally. I just don't want to admit which one I live by on some days. When I am willing to see the truth to this question I have to be honest and shamefully say, "I want to live according to God's will but in my own way.
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