When I was a little girl of about ten I think, perhaps a little younger. When does a child start catechism? Anyway, I remember how excited I was to be going to Saturday bible class. I never remember what was taught or said, I only remember the excitement each week of getting on the bus to go to church class. I hear others who remember stern nuns slapping their hands for wrong doing; or strict teachers yelling at them. I do not recall any of this. The only thing I remember about those years was the excitement of knowing that one day I would devote myself to God and become a nun. It was so much fun and fulfilling to memorize all those prayers! I just knew in my innermost being I wanted to belong to God and God alone. I felt strongly about this for a few more years. Many nights I would look out my bedroom window up at the sky and talk to God. Somehow I just knew He loved me and cared about what happened to me. We had a special connection, he and I. A personal one. And it was my secret.
But then things began to change and I could no longer look up at the sky and believe God cared. I begged for help and even begged to come home to Him. But each day I awoke to face another day of fearing the unknown. I remember one day praying in the bathroom on my knees for God to reveal himself to me; telling him I had to know he existed, begging him to show himself. I even promised him I wouldn't tell anyone if he did, yeah right, like that would happen! but I needed him to show up so I could believe and get through whatever the future held. I remember kneeling there in the dark terrified he would actually show up! Of course he didn't. Then I got into other spiritual paths and they didn't help my relationship with God, I even tried seances that I swear to this day worked, just not in the way I expected. But God? He never appeared. And as I drifted into a lifestyle of party's, drugs, and drinking God disappeared completely. This would be my life from the age of 13 to 19. Years I will regret, but no longer judge myself for. They were years of anger, distrust and yes even hate towards this God I had loved as a child. How could he be so mean? Why did he not love me? The only answer could be he did not exist.
At the age of 19 my life took another twist and I "straightened out". I started talking to God again and slowly my belief in him returned. I began searching for truth and started visiting church again, a different church. I got very involved and did whatever I was told so I would not go to hell. I talked the talk, tried to walk the walk, but failed miserably. The truth is, never in all the years from 19 til now could I convince myself that the bible was the one and only way to God. That the resurrection spoken of truly happened. Then a spiritual awakening occurred one day as I was standing and singing a song; suddenly I stopped singing and the thought came, "I don't believe this! I don't believe any of this!" At that moment I had become completely honest with myself in regards to my faith in God. I knew and, here is the important part, I accepted I was not a true believer in Christianity. I did not believe what was being taught and this was what was causing my spiritual turmoil and struggle over all these years. I was too busy looking to others for my own faith and trying so hard to believe what they were teaching that my Creator couldn't catch my attention!
True spiritual faith for me has to come from within myself or it isn't real. And if it isn't real to me I cannot live it. I was no longer living a lie. I was no longer trying to believe something I just could not. That moment was the beginning of living a life of honesty. Being honest with myself about what I believed and who I wanted to become. That morning a year and a half ago I gave myself the greatest gift a person can give herself, and that is the freedom to begin learning and accepting who she is and what she is all about. It has caused some difficulty in relationships and as I continue to grow and change in all areas of my life it continues to change my relationships; yet all I can truly say to this is that as big a risk as it feels for me; it is totally worth the joy and confidence that it is developing in me. It has and continues to feel like a snake. Always shedding off the old skin and living in the new. Each time I learn something about me that is not who I am or want to be, I shed another layer.
On a daily basis my spiritual journey grows and changes. As this area changes, others areas in my life changes. Doubts and beliefs trade places on a constant basis. Questions arise during moments of reflections. But the one constant in my journey is that I never stop seeking. I seek my Creator's presence all the time and it never fails to show up in ways I hadn't been looking. You see, I can sit quietly for a long time and wait for the spirit to show itself. But it generally never happens in this manner. Generally I sense it when I am reading a book and a sentence pops out, and by the way, it doesn't even have to be a spiritual book! It could be a novel I am reading. Or, I could be driving to work and suddenly a thought will pop into my head and it will be the exact answer I had been seeking. But it didn't come until I really needed it. Other times I pick up on my Creator's presence during a conversation that is on a spiritual topic or discussion.
When I stop asking "You" to tell me about God, or to prove your faith to me; I am at peace. I am open to the Creator's voice within. When I stop believing "You" have the truth" an inner strength and confidence grows deep within my soul. It took much seeking, reading and attending different "Churches" to realize we all have to develop our own personal relationship with this inner spirit we seek. No one can give it to us. And it is so very important that I do not judge those whose beliefs or truths are different from mine. As they cannot judge my truth. It saddens me to know that because I do not believe in the resurrection people who love me dearly are so fearful of my damnation. Yet I must admit I respect their strength and faith in what they believe. But not everyone who claims to believe is showing their faith. We all fall short in our walks. But as long as we can truthfully say we are trying, then I believe our truth is real. I have many friends who are "Christians" that I love dearly and this is because they accept and love me even though I do not believe exactly as they do. they show their truth by their love of others, not judgement. They did not stop associating with me because I admitted I didn't believe. Nor did I feel the need to break away from those I grew to love. We are each continuing to live our beliefs as different as they may be.
There are times when I am upset or doubtful of my Creator's existence in my life personally. There are moments when I look around and ask, "why them and not me?" Why do some have such wonderful, good things come into their lives all the time and others do not? It just doesn't seem fair and I will get on the "pity pot" for a while or throw a spiritual tantrum. Then I get over it and remember that I must separate my spiritual journey from my worldly desires.
So I end this writing by saying I love this journey! I love seeking and constantly learning new things about myself and what I believe. I enjoy watching the growth of accepting who I was and what I had done in the past and loving her anyway. It is a blast to grow into this new, self-confident, creative women I was always meant to be. My belief for this moment is; A spiritual Being is a Creative Being.
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