Wallop!!

God disciplines those he loves, and he sure does love me, let me tell you! I  received a good wallop from the Lord this week. He tried speaking to me; warning me, but I did not listen. Instead I continued to judge and complain about life around me. My focus was taken off God and onto Cathie. Where God tried to show me what he wanted from me; I took it as him wanting to show it to others. To share with fellow Christians how "we" were not living Christ-like. After all, if I was being filled with such passion and conviction regarding this matter, how could it not be God's will that I share it with those around me. Didn't they need to hear it? Wasn't my opinion more important than their feelings? God's messge cannot be limited by how others might feel. Right? Warning #1.
As Christians, we have an obligation to live our lives as Christ lived his. To stand up for Jesus and what he taught no matter who we are with, or what situation we are in. It is our responsibilities as Christians to look different from what the world says we ought to look. So if God is giving me this message in a passionate, strong manner in my spirit, then he must want me to convict others, yes? Warning # 2.  

You see, for a few weeks I thought I was Moses!! What I failed to remember was that Mose's did not have the gift to speak God's message to the people; he needed someone more able and gifted with speech so others could the warnings and encouragement of God without taking it for granted or with offence. In a manner they would listen to and hear. All my words were doing was causing others to be uncomfortable and perhaps even a little angry with me. Feeling judged. But did not those who heard the Apostles words take offense? Didn't they get angry? And yet they continued to speak the truth. So who is to say God was not putting these things on my heart to warn those around me? Warning # 3. And we all know, three strikes and 

Wallop!!

My faith journey goes through periods where doubts overwhelm me. No matter how hard I try to make a piece of the puzzle fit, it will not go in. The negatives of this world, stresses on the job and just plain self-righteousness take control of my emotions. When allowed, these negative infiltrations consume me to the point of no return. I am driven into an open field of powerlessness  and for a time satan takes me for a ride in his plow of despair and judgement. He feeds on my insecurities and fears until I can only see what is wrong in the Christian world and I am blinded from the good. I question every motive behind an act. No one is doing what Cathie believes they should be doing in their walk with Christ. I become a Christian sister with a worldly heart. And I pay the price. Sometimes I even hurt others, those I love the most because I think I am sharing God's truth, when in reality I am sharing what is my truth. God is speaking to me about what needs to be changed in me; not others. No matter how strong the conviction, it is not my responsibility to judge those around me. It is only my responsibility to warn them or speak to them one on one in love. And so far, I have not been placed in that position.  

God is so gracious. He allows me to flounder in my self-righteousness and arrogance for just so long; and then, Wallop, I am hit so hard with humility and truth I cannot ignor it. It may come in the form of the scriptures or it may come through the words of a brother or sister in Christ. ( I prefer the first way), I guess Jesus thought I needed a whacking this time becaue I was hit in both ways. I didn't listen to the first when reading the word and hearing my sinfulness, so he sent it in the form of a fellow brother. Man did that hurt!

God is so mericful and gracious however, that today I was able to sit back and rejoice in the truth of who I have become. Though just a few nights ago I was not rejoicing. I was crying my eyes out to my heavenly father, asking for his forgiveness and the ability to make amends where needed. God in his mercy and love showed me just how self-righteous and opinionated I was becoming in my faith walk, how it was causing me to judge Christianity once again. Satan was returning full force with his armor of fear and doubt and I was not ready. My eyes had fallen off God and onto the world and people around me.

Although I continue to believe we are all accountable as believers in Christ to try to live differently than the world or as we did prior to knowing Christ, it is not up to me to judge how others are living or what they are doing in their relationships with Christ. What arrogance to believe I had this power!

At work I am constantly reminded that not all people who profess to believe in Jesus are not always the most loving and kind people. This truth causes disapointment and embarassment. It causes me to take my focus off those who do live lives full of love and concern for others and onto those who do not. My expectations of fellow Christians and myself are too high. They are not humanly possible for anyone to live up to. And although there are believers who live solely on the merits of grace who do not to do what is right, it is not my place to judge them. I must remember always that God is the ultimate judge, not Cathie. God is where my focus needs to be, not on me and those around me. This can be very difficult when life around me is full of anger and greed. When I do not understand the things of God or this world. But it must be remembered that it is not up to me to understand all things. Satan wants me to trouble over why things happen to some and not others. He wants me to doubt eternity and my faith. He does not want to know in my heart that God is God. He is who He says he is. All Powerful and Knowing. That is all I need to know sometimes.

I have been so busy looking at my faults and weaknesses (and therefore the fault and weaknesses of others), that I failed to see the wonderful, forgiven woman God has created in me today. When I allow satan room to wander in my mind, I allow fears and character defects to sprout. Weeds of anger and confusion grow where my Lord had planted flowers of love and peace. Twigs made of fear and insecurities are standing where trees of strength and courage were meant to be. All because I took my focus off of God and who He is.

My confidence was being placed in the hands of human beings when it should have been placed in the hands of God. I had forgotten to look beyond this world and its insanity and greed.

I do not know for certain how this crept up; this sense of self-righteousness and terror. Perhaps it was when things began to get out of control in my work environment. Perhaps it is this wonderful blessing called menopause, (yes, you can pray for my husband now),  I don't really know. All I do know is inspite of what I may believe or think during these times of insanity, God is constant and in control. I only have to surrender my will and my life once again into his care; and as he did over and over again in the Old Testament, he does with me today, he forgives and walks with me each moment I allow His presence to dwell upon me.

The last couple days I am seeing in the scriptures the wonderful things God has for me. His wonderful encouragement and strength in the word of God. How I have missed these times and look forward with excitement and anticipation as I begin to share with you, whoever you might be, the blessings and lessons God brings to my attention. God has messages for each of us. And they are different for each of us. All we can do is share what He shows us with one another and let him decide who needs to hear it.
I do not have the answers for how other Christians should live. Only how I ought to live. I do not have the gift of seeing into other's hearts and minds; therefore I cannot possibly know what they are doing or why. Of late I have forgotten this truth and fallen into the sin of judgement. This is something I do whenever I find wrong doing in myself. I want to hide it by sharing this sin. Making it about you instead of me. Isn't that an unselfish thing to do, wouldn't you agree? Wallop. I get so passionate about what God is trying to tell "Cathie", that I think he means it for everyone. Then of course, it becomes my duty to share my opinion or "message" with others. Wallop.

What has transpired through all this is the real truth. God tells each of us what he wants us to know. He does not tell me how to judge the actions or lack of actions in my brother and sister's in Christ. When I am filled with a passion or insight that is so overwhelming that it consumes me; I must remember this is a message for me and me alone; it is not a prophesy for others! I do not have that gift. My gift is one of encouragement; one of prayer. So when I try to use a gift that is not mine, I end up destroying relationships with others. I pull them down with my insanity and judgement instead of building them up. Where God intended encourgement from me, I discouraged,  where God desired prayer I doubted instead of using it to get through the turmoils of the situation that had come upon me. And the biggest sin of all is that I hurt the very ones I have come to love and hold most dear to me. They would have listened and guided me through the situation had I only shared it. Instead I ran to the old self of  fear and doubts that say, "I will get through this, no need to bother others. or I shouldn't let them see my weakness lest they doubt God's spirit in me."  Even the disciple's who where with Jesus in person had their moments of fear and doubt, yet I am too strong for that. Wallop.

My focus has been on those who drag me down instead of those whose lives reflect the mind and heart of Christ. For a short period of time, satan was once again given room in my heart to prowl. But because I am filled with the spirit of Christ, the Holy Spirit;because I continued to read the scriptures on a daily basis and share my frustrations and doubts with God throughout the day, I believe the armor of God beat the armor of satan. Truth overcame doubt and the light overcame the darakness. Praise Almighty God.

Today I can thank my heavenly Father for loving me enough to convict me. For without conviction there is no repentance, where there is no repentance there is no forgiveness, and where there is no forgiveness there is no hope. Today I am living in hope. Hope that gets me up in the morning and through the day ahead. This hope tells me it will be ok. Maybe not today, but eventually, it will all be ok. For eternity it will be just fine. So for now, I will bask in his love and strength and go back to encouraging and praying for my wonderful family in Christ. May God continue to remind me of those who have loved me when I was unloveable, and encouraged me when I was discouraged. This too gives me hope that I am never alone in life's battles unless I choose to be.

Did you notice? God wallops me because I need it. Then, he tenderly wrapps me in his arms and lovingly heals the sore spot. The wallop isn't so painful anymore. Man, I just love when God showers me with his love. When I empy myself of fear, anger and judgement and just let his spirit fill me up. I cannot help but smile I write this. I am over-joyed with being back in the "spirit" of things.

Does God answer prayers? I think Not.

With all that is going on the world and has for centuries I cannot help but wonder about this whole answered prayer vs God's will. We praise God and give him credit when things go the way we had hoped, what we had prayed for. On the other hand; when a prayer goes unanswered or something horrible happens, we say, we have "free will" or "it must have been God's will." Really people?

So if a child is saved from abuse and we say God loved her and answered her prayers; are we saying God didn't love the abused child who was not saved? Or maybe he/she just wasn't God's "Favorite" at the time. When horrible crimes are committed by gangs and pirates, it is because of "free will" the bad guys "will" wins over the believer's will. Makes sense to me.
So, the truth is we really don't know isn't it? You see, I think it is life. Period. Life has good and bad.  You have good people in the world and you have bad. There are some who have no conscious, and others who do. Life happens. We cannot control it. Nor do I believe prayer is the answer. I do however believe God is there is give us strength and endurance through these troubling times in our lives; we can know we are not alone to face the hardships. God can do that; God will send the right people at the right time for each situation. Can He answer prayer? Sure. Does He? Not so sure. I tend to continue to believe Life Happens and God gets us through it.
I don't really believe God cares about our earthly situations. Hold on before you blow a casket now; I just think he placed us here in the beginning for one purpose and we decided to use it for another purpose. We decided and continue to decide on a daily basis we don't need him. We can handle this thing called "Life" on our own. When we are in a jam and at the end of our rope, when we just don't know what to do, then and only then we will throw up our hands and surrender to God. And if he answers our prayer he is a kind and merciful God, and if he doesn't, oh well it just wasn't His will right now. The more I ponder on these things the more I come to believe that life is life. We are at each other's mercy and the mercy of our physical bodies. And God is not interested in whether or not we live or die, suffer or don't suffer. That is not his concern. Have I got your attention now?

God created us to be spiritual beings. To live on this earth to serve him and take care of the earth and its inhabitants. And what a fine job we are doing. We live for ourselves and what we can get out of life. Yes, we support missionaries and ministries. We go "out there" and serve the less unfortunates. But at what cost to ourselves? Do we really take our comfort and put it at anothers feet? Are we willing to give up our homes to give to the poor? Are we even willing to open an extra room who has no home? No. 90% of us cannot say we are. And we have many good reasons. Or if we look honestly, are they excuses? Again, do we really want to invite a stranger into our home and live with them? Aren't we comfortable having the house to ourselves, with our own families? Is that why we have homeless people; poor families wondering why they can't get food on the table for their kids? I'm just saying, as "Christians" are we doing ALL we can do to be like Christ; to serve God?  I am ashamed to say I know I don't. And I will continue to do more each day and make myself uncomfortable just a little.

Living God's will in My Own Way

In this mornings reading I came to the passage in Luke 11: 35, where it says, "See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness." When I read that verse I was suddenly struck with the thought; "Am I walking in the light when I react to situations around me in a "worldly" manner? How hard am I actually trying to live differently?

When I am frustrated or angry with a co-worker or neighbor for instance and I show my anger, am I not reacting in a worldly manner?  Of course I know the answer. And if I shun someone because I dislike them or they offended me somehow, then am I not living as the world lives and not being any different than anyone else in this world of darkness? Again I know the answer. I just hope you don't. And to my shagrin, there are times when I like living in the world, as part of the world. It is so much easier! It doesn't take courage or strength; it doesn't cause me discomfort or being treated as an outcast. To live by our world's expectations is so much easier because not too much is expected of me as compared to God's expectations of me.

When I read this passage above, I was made aware of just how much I live in sin on a daily basis. How little effort some days, I put into living as a true servant of Jesus. On the outside I do not look any different than my non-believing friends or co-workers. And lets face it, no matter how spiritual I may feel on the inside, those around me see the outside. No matter how good my intentions, others see my actions.

The cause for my sinful actions is that I am "reacting" to worldly turmoil and stress, and not "Acting" by the fruits of the spirit. It is so much easier to be controlled by pride, fear and self-pity than to do the next right thing. Although God continues to convict me on a daily basis, the human part of me continues to choose the easier, softer path on a daily, living according to worldly expectations and not according to God's Will. 

You see, if I do not like a co-worker or feel she is not pulling her weight, I shun her. And when I do have to speak to her ( or him) I will make sure it is in a tone that lets her know I dislike her. After all, my pride says she needs to be put in her place and it is my responsibility to let her know. This is called passive-aggressive behavior I believe. A fancy way of saying, immature behavior. 

Or take my husband for instance. God tells me to be loving and submissive, (treat him with respect as the man of the house). I say, "why do I have to do all the changing?" Another form of self-pity. Looking at "all" I do and not taking into account all he does. (Even though I do more of course). And yet, everytime I react in anger, self-pity and revenge, I add another "spike into the cross". I do not show others around me or my husband who God really is. Loving, forgiving, patient and kind. To name just a few of His wonderful attributes.

So how do I rid myself of this sin called pride? How do I relieve myself from Satan's clutches? It is only through prayer and admitting to my fellow Christian brother and sister's of this weakness. However, Repentance isn't merely saying, I am sorry. True repentance is the willingness to say I sinned, please forgive me and then not repeating the behavior. But I don't want to admit I was wrong!! Why do I have to say I am sorry when he/she "started it." How pathetic and immature I continue to be. And I hate this in myself.

For a few days I can be living as Christ showed me how to live. To conduct myself in a manner worthy of calling myself a Believer in Christ. A Christian. Then, WHAM, my evil human side comes to the service and I am once again this angry, self-pitying being that I have come to loathe. I can only be grateful to God for sending his wonderful son to give me hope that I will not always be this way. (Right God?) In the meantime, I will continue reading and being convicted. I will continue to practice living by the spirit and not reacting to the world around me. And most important of all, I will continue each morning to pray for God's strength and power to be in my life for the upcoming hours. Sad thing is, he answers my prayers and then I choose to ignor his message because I don't like it.

At these moments of conviction I am forced to ask myself, "Just how hard am I trying to live differently? 
There is a big difference between living in sin due to weakness and living in sin intentionally. I just don't want to admit which one I live by on some days. When I am willing to see the truth to this question I have to be honest and shamefully say, "I want to live according to God's will but in my own way. 

Church is like a Box of Chocolates

This morning Iwas thinking about the conversation I had with my nephew last night. It was exciting and I found his strong faith in Jesus and the scriptures very contageous. What was it that caused my spirit to ignite with excitement? It wasn't interest in his church or belief. It was his love for our Lord. He was so on fire about the importance of knowing and having Jesus in our daily lives and I agreed with him. It was so fantastic sharing the faith and belief in the bible with another Christian. Now, he would say, "Aunt Cathie it is the Holy Ghost speaking to you." And perhaps he would be correct. I have had messages given to me in many different ways. All I know is that I felt his excitement for Jesus and was enjoying it tremendously. I was even ready to go visit the church denomination he belonged to! I wanted to be around other believers who were as excited and as strong as he was in his faith, in his love for Jesus and what he did for me.

Then, on the way to work I was struck with an awesome realization. It is not so much the church I attend that fills me up with excitement and encouragement, it is talking and sharing about Jesus with a fellow believer. Any believer, no matter their denominational belief. So it isn't the church denomination that catches my interest, it is the enthusiasm.

This got me thinking some more. And then it hit me, "Church is Like a Box of Chocolates." So many denominations with so many different beliefs. You just don't know what you are going to hear. Sometimes like last night, it is contageous and uplifting, other times it is dull or judgemental. But it is still part of the same box. You may not like what you get inside, but it doesn't change the fact that it is still in the same box. Jesus is the wrapping around that box, the church I see the box as the church, Jesus' church, and the different kinds of chocolates are us, the different denominations,believers. All different kinds, but all still God's children. What an image.

When and if we can accept one another not for the denomination or church we belong to, but because we believe and hope in the same God; what a movement we could start up in this world! It would be like opening up a box of chocolates and just accepting that there will be some we don't like or agree with, and others we will absolutely love and agree with; but either way, they all belong in that one box. And only the one who has given us the wonderful, delicious box of chocolates can decide and judge who will be with Him in eternity. Like the chocolates, we can only guess what is on the other side. Heaven or Hell. Cream filled or Carmel. All we have to do is open the box and take a bite!!

Evangelism needs Willingness; not Teaching

Going to church and listening to a sermon on how to "Go out and grow the Kingdom of God", or "How to Evangelize." does not in anyway give me what I need to share Christ. Frankly, it bores me to tears. It only serves to give me a reason not to. Why? Because it is missing the two main ingredients of being a disciple of Christ, which are, Faith and a sense of conviction.Listening to a sermon on how to evangelize just reinforces that I cannot do it until I learn how to and I can stay ignorant in this for as long as evangelizing is not comfortable for me or will cost me something I am unwilling to lose.

To share something I must believe in it. I must have conviction in what it has done in my life. That is just how it works for me. So, why not spend more time telling people like myself about the very person we are being told to evangelize about and what He has done and continues to do in Your life. That gets me excited. That is what perks my ears to listen and want what you have. Not bible studies on how to reach out to the community or what I must do to be saved. Tell me why I see this excitement in your face; why you seem to always have this sense of confidence no mater how difficult your life is right now. That is what will get my attention. And once you have my attention, well then perhaps you will gain my trust as well. And my trust in what you have to say will give me interest into reading the bible; maybe. But isn't it worth a try? Aren't we won over by attraction more than promotion? Don't we want to see results before we are willing to give ourselves or money to a cause?

If I am excited enough and believe enough in Jesus it is no problem for me to share why I am with others. It is lack of faith and conviction that keeps me from boasting in the Lord. I cannot share with others something I do not have. And if I do not have a personal, growing relationship with Jesus, if I am not sharing and being encouraged by fellow believers, than my faith grows, but it grows weak. I need to be in the bible, be with other Christians strong in the Gospels, and I need to be talking to God in prayer; all of these must be done on a regular basis. Let me try using an illustration to show what I mean.

Let's use a lady who is a strong believer in a new skin cream she had learned about and tried. After trying it and seeing positive results, she becomes a believer. From her personal experience she believes this skin cream healed her eczema.  It has worked so well in relieving her discomfort and she believes in this product so strongly, she just has to share it with her girlfriends. She cannot keep this wonderful news to herself. Or take the man who heard about this new tool that he decided to try out. (Somewhat relutantly of course; after all we are talking about a $500.00 tool). After using it on the job for a few weeks, he becomes a believer. He believes, once again through experience, that the tool he bought is the best he has ever used for a particular job. It has made his life at work so much easier and better, that again, he just has to brag about it to his guy friends. Ohers began to see how happy these two people were and wanted to know why; so the lady and the man shared the reason for this joy. Now then, these two individuals were not professionals, nor did they take a class or hear a sermon on how to share the skin cream and tool with their friends. No, they simply believed in the product! They saw how the product worked in their own lives and had to share the good news. They explained how they came upon it and what it had done for them. These friends then tried it and they in turn saw that it changed their lives as well and so they too had to share it with other friends, who then shared it with their friends. Do you see the pattern? The people who heard about what the skin cream or tool did for these two individuals, saw how it effected their lives and they wanted it! No sermon, no class; just personal excitement.

Evangelism should be the same way shouldn't it?  But why isn't it? Why aren't we excited enough about what Jesus has done in our lives that, we have to share it with our spouses, family, friends or co-workers.

This question came to me this morning after reading about the disciples and how excited they were to go out and share the good news. Why wasn't I this excited? Where was my conviction? How strong in my faith in Christ? Is it strong enough to go out there and evangelize? Do I feel as strongly and confidently in it as I do my new sewing machine? Strong enough to share with others? If not, why not?
I do not need to be scholar to share how Christ has changed my inner being. I do not need bible studies to share how prayer has shaped my life. I need willingness. The willingness to be ridiculed and put down for a fool. The willingness to lose family or friends. The willingness to be uncomfortable or go out of my way to serve God. The willingness to be an outcast. All things Jesus says I will suffer, I must be willing to suffer. It is not about "How to." It is about "Willing to." 

I continue to get excited when I see God convict me in this way. That doesn't mean I am not scared or uncertain; that I do not need my Christian brothers and sisters for strength and encouragement. It simply means God is once again whispering in my ear and if I listen, I can be confident "He will have my back."

Faith like a Plucked Daisy

I bet you are wondering, "What the heck does that mean." Faith like a plucked daisy. Well, as you will see in future blogs; I don't always think like the normal person. Sometimes random ideas or thoughts pop into my head and before I can stop them, they come out of my mouth.  It is fun though, to let these thoughts go and watch what God does with them. Like this morning for instance.

I was holding the bible in my hand, getting ready to read and the thought came to me, when I allow myself to believe in this book as God's inspired word I have such peace. but when I allow doubts to flow through my imperfect brain, I am filled with a sense of chaos. That is when "my faith is like a plucked daisy" came to me as a title for this blog.
Remember as a kid, you would hold a daisy in your hand and as you plucked out a petal you would say, "He loves me, he loves me not."?  That is how my faith is. One day  " God is real, God is not; The bible is truth, the bible is not". Lately I have ended on the pedal that says, "God is real, The bible is truth."
It is at these times that I have let go of trying to figure it out and just trusted the inner voice that says,  there is a God. (you could say I dropped the plucked daisy), Maybe that is what God means in scripture when he says, "Be still and know that I am." When I can do this, my day is more tolerable. I am filled with a sense of well-being and conviction that no matter what, I will be ok.

But!

When I begin questioning my faith, as I often do - I then begin to question whether or not the bible really is the true manuscripts and letters of God. That the letters are real letters written by real men who knew this man Jesus Christ. This fear of "what if it isn't real" leads me to doubt,  which leads me to the final result of despair. Because if God is not real, if the bible is in fact a myth, well, then what is the purpose of getting out of bed each day? My life has no real meaning to it. This is not true for everyone and blessings to those who can have purpose and meaning to life on their own merit. I cannot. I need God. I need to end on the petal that says, "God is Real." and I need to know that this God is not Cathie, or my husband or my Christian brothers and sisters. As I have heard many times, these people and myself will let me down on a regular basis. But if my expectations and strength comes from God and His word. I am convicted with an inner peace and joy that cannot be penetrated.

The bible is like the Big Book of A.A. The Big Book tells the alcoholic how to get sober and how he/she can only do this by taking certain steps; these steps will then lead the recovered alcoholic to a belief and understanding of God's will for him/her. For the believing Christian, the bible is the "manual" for daily living. A book of manuscripts and letters describing and explaining who God is, and how to live according to his will.

When I am in a good place  in my spiritual life and have picked the positive petal of the "faith daisy", God's spirit speaks personally to me and uplifts me. Even conficts me where I am not living up to his expectations. His will.

However!

As God wants to fill my mind with his love and encouragement through the bible; so Satan, the spirit of darkness, wants to fill my head with doubts. And he does this using my biggest weakness; FEAR. I have always been filled with fear; all my life. The fear of "What if". These fears come from doubting myself. From lacking the trust in the possibility that maybe, just maybe,  God does speak to me, that he could love one such as myself; that maybe, just maybe I can be a prophetess of God; one of His messengers. When I am filled with these positive thoughts, Satan rushes in like a dark thunder cloud and yells, "Cathie, don't be ridiculous, you are a no body, you have no seminary training, you don't know the bible well enough." and it is when I listen to these words, that I have picked the negative petal of the faith daisy and held it tightly in my hand, forgetting to open my fist and lettting it fall to the ground and be stomped on.

But! - and this is the last but:)

When I pick the petal of encouragement and conviction and hold it tightly in a fist, God takes a hold of that hand with the petal in it and whispers, "yes daughter, you can hold onto that one. That is the petal of truth. That my child, is the petal that says, "God is real, The bible is true."

Grace is not a "Get Out of Jail Free" Card

I often wonder why as Christians we do not fear God more. Not in a trembling horror type fear. But in an Awe, Respectful type fear. We live as if grace is all we need. I hear so often, I live by grace not works. or, yes, I know I should do this or that, or not do this or that, but God is my loving, heavenly father and I am saved by His grace. Ok, so if getting baptized or believing in Jesus Christ is all I need to do to be "saved" to have eternal life with God, than I guess I can keep living the way I live and try just a little to be different. Grace is my "Get out of Hell Card". No accountability. Just grace. REALLY?

It is as if to say; well I don't drink anymore so that is enough, so what if I still beat my wife, curse at my kids, atleast I am sober! There is more in the Scriptures then grace. There are ways Jesus commands me to live. And although I may not be doing it perfectly, I have to ask myself. Am I really trying? Am I truly thinking about God and what he has done for me throughout the day? Or am I just going about my life as if eternal life isn't real. The bible isn't real. Again it boils down to where is my faith really? What is it based on?

To not believe has brought me sadness. No purpose to my life. No real reason to get up. Yes, I have a wonderful husband, great son. But they do not bring me the sense of "being" faith does. Believing in Scriptures has given me a purpose to get up each day. It has gotten me out of "self" and thinking about what God would want me to do in each circumstance. I am guilty of not giving God my best each day. I struggle to look different; to act different when at work. Which brings up another example of what I am trying say. In the work place I hear people say, I am a Christian, I go to this or that church. And yet, the way that we act around each other and treat one another in the the office does not look any different than our co-workers. We slander, we gossip and we complain about each other! I have to ask myself, what are we telling those around us regarding out faith? That because we are saved by "grace" we do not have to live lives of obedience and love? It just bothers my soul when I see this. And when I try to bring it up to the other Christians in the office, again I hear, "aren't we blessed to have grace?" It is saying that with grace we have no accountability!! No expectations from God! God is GOD, people! And yet we talk about him as if he were "daddy" Please folks, let us not lower God to human=ness. He is the Almighty. And either he is who the bible says he is, or he is not. But he cannot be a little bit of each. He is not some kind jailer who decides on a good day, "oh I am in a good mood today I think I will let you go free." Even in churches I have experienced being shunned or ignored because no one knows me when I first visit. We are commanded to encourage and build one another up; but we do the very opposite. We claim to be followers of Christ, and yet I ask myself, "why aren't we reaching out to our brothers and sisters and visitors? Do we really believe? Do I? I wonder, what does God feel when he watches his children come to worship him, and yet speak only of their week and what is going on with "them" instead of what He has done in their lives that week.

I cannot judge or decide what is in other Christian hearts. But I can judge their actions; but I must first judge my own. As Jesus said, why look at the thorn in another's eye and not the plank in my own. And I know this for certian and conviction;  I don't want to live my life as one who thinks grace is her "Get out of Jail" free card. I want to live as a true believer. I want others to see me as a "Godly" woman. As one who respects and holds her God in AWE. One who takes her faith literally. If I do this on a daily basis, I know in my heart I would see more and more of God's power and grace in my life. There is no other way for Him to show His love than when I let go and give him space in my soul.

Today, I will be accountable to God Almighty, to his son Jesus Christ for my deeds and actions. Then and only then will I really really see his Spirit flowing freely through me. I will put more time in Scipture, getting them into my heart and mind so that during the day when I am feeling angry or fearful, God will be able to bring to memory his word. It is only through reading and knowing the scriptures that I can use them to fight negative (satan's) attacks of fear, insecurity, anger and the like. This journaling really brings things out in the open. I am excited for the day when others will join me in this quest to live a spiritual path according to the teachings of Jesus Christ and the Word; and we encourage and build one another up on a regular basis. Not just Sunday morning or at once a week home church. We need each other throughout the week if we are to be truly free to live God's word. (But that is my next blog:)
I realize I jump around as I write, and I hope as I do this more and more I will get better at expressing myself. but for now I will continue to discipline myself to write at least twice a week or more. But no less. I am sure I am not alone in this journey. And I will seek out other blogs to read and learn from.