I missed it. Where did 2013 go? One day I was wrapping gifts and proud of myself because I was ahead of the game this year. Even got my cards out the day after Thanksgiving. I was so puffed up with pride. Now I am sitting on the couch realizing in two days it will be Christmas Eve. I am ready outwardly for my son and his girlfriend to come celebrate the holiday. However, inwardly I am in turmoil trying to register the end of the year is only days away. I cannot believe how quickly the year has flown by. It seems to me that everything in this world is fleeting. Everything we do and use is done with haste; a sense of urgency. No one wants to wait, who has the time?
Where are we in a hurry to get to? Why are we so impatient with each other? More and more people are becoming desensitized to others. We are becoming a rude, impatient society who cares only for ourselves. How much we can attain in how short a time. Then we get what we thought we wanted so badly only to lay it aside for something bigger and faster. For me, I just want to sit back and take my time with something. Anything. But it doesn't work that way. It isn't so easy. I get an idea to do one thing only to be thinking about another project I would like to do, or a topic I would like to learn about. Some folks call this Attention Deficit Disorder, me I call it creativism gone wild.
It is time to sit down quietly with myself and look at what I would like to accomplish in the coming year. Not resolutions mind you, just plain old goals. First I will look back over the last year and see what I accomplished, what I may have done better or differently and in what ways have I grown emotionally and spiritually. Its not always easy to look at oneself, but if you want to grow as a person, you need to know what can be changed to get you closer to the person you would like to be. I am still trying to figure out who I want to become; who I believe I think I am. I only hope I know before I become senile and forget, this is one life time I do not want to repeat!
This last year has been one of self talk. Self evaluation and honesty. No longer running from myself, my past mistakes or errors. I have allowed myself with my husband's encouragement, to look at the accomplishments of the months past. To see the positive accomplishments. I have walked through many fears and self doubts. I have become honest with my spiritual doubts and grown in my emotional struggles. In all parts of my life this year I have gotten closer to who I think I want to become. Of course I am not so naïve as to think it won't change next week. Heck, it could change tomorrow. I will read an article, hear something and think, wait a minute, I like that! I think I will work towards that. I am as fickle as anyone can be. I change in a matter of seconds sometimes. But through it all I learn more about Cathie and what she is about.
Today I was so proud of myself. I wanted a latte, went to the store. I was standing there for a bit while the lady at the register was banging on the register trying to void out an earlier transaction. Then with frustration she asked if she could help me. I placed my order and she went back to trying to figure out how to close out the previous order so she could place mine. I realized that I really wasn't sure I wanted this lady to make my latte. I wasn't convinced it was going to come out well. I did something I am sure other women have done without a blink, I stated I would come back later, and walked away. She tried to stop me but I yelled back, that's ok, I will return at a later time. Not a big deal huh? But it was for me. I am the people pleaser remember. But NO MORE! I felt bad for the lady behind the counter, but good for me. I didn't want the drink from the frustrated lady and got up the courage to leave before it was too late. I had stuck up for what I wanted. Or in this case, what I did not want. I am always concerned about he other person's feelings or needs. But not this time. I am finally practicing what I am learning watching women of stronger convictions live out their lives. Not in a rude kind of way, but with self-confidence and conviction.
The only way to change is to change. No easy way. No one is going to do it for me. I just have to walk through the uncomfortable feelings, the fears and self doubts. You know, the voices in our heads that tell us we aren't good enough to get what we desire. No more will I allow these lying voices to direct my life. I am going to create new voices. I am going to meet new people in my life; fun people, smart people, risk takers. To do this, I have to become the person I want to hang out with. And I am slowly doing just that.
I like to believe I am a fun person to do things with. I just need to learn new things so I will be more knowledgeable about topics I find interesting. Or find out where I can meet people with the same interests. I can be that lady who belongs to a group of old ladies sitting around talking while they knit. Or a lady that belongs to a club where none of us know what we are doing but are enjoying ourselves just the same. I can't wait for retirement to do these things. In this day and age I am not sure I will live long enough to retire! So I may as well accept the fact that I will have to work my social life around my job. I will not have the luxury of enjoying myself at retirement. I will have to get up the energy to meet with people after work or weekends. There has got be more women out there who are in the same boat as myself; wanting to enjoy socializing with other ladies with the same interests, yet cannot do it during the day due to having jobs. I cannot be the only woman out there who has to work in her senior years. I don't want to wait until I cannot knit anymore or do other things due to arthritis settling in. I need to do it now. Therefore I better end here and do some web searching to see where all these ladies are. And find out what type of groups or classes we have here in town that are not during the day.
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