So, I got all my shopping done for the holiday only to come home and find the list for my Secret Santa and saw realized there were other items I could have gotten her. So I will no doubt be out shopping this week. I do this every year; think I am done only to feel I needed to do more or buy something different. There is that people pleasing in me again. Worrying about what my co-workers will think of my gifts. Funny though, they are no doubt thinking the same thing. I find as I share my insecurities or concerns with others, that they too, have the same concerns and self-doubts. Why do we always feel we are alone in our feelings, worries, self-doubts etc. Why are we so afraid to just be who we are and enjoy the process of becoming who we were created to be? It is my goal to continue working on accepting who I am today and changing only what I believe needs to be changed in myself, not to please others. To learn who I am and leave behind who others think I am or should be.
Perhaps it is a midlife crisis. This sense of wanting to do so many things I haven't. Or things I never thought I could. There is this creative part of me that is growing stronger within. I want to knit my first sweater, cross-stitch my first Christmas cards. Learn to sew more outfits, perhaps even create my own personal wardrobe. And most important. I want to surround myself with creative, fun people who are enjoying learning new things as much as I do. People who are not afraid to fail or make mistakes. I want to laugh more and have stimulating conversations about interesting subjects. No more sullen, boring acquaintances. Life is too short. I used to believe I should be happy to have anyone like me or want me as a friend. Now I believe I can decide who I want to surround myself with. I get to decide if someone is worth my time and worthy of hanging out with on a regular basis. Does this sound arrogant? Its not meant to. When you spend your whole life trying to make everyone around you happy and trying to be accepted by the people who will never accept you unless you do as they wish, it is rewarding to realize one day you are worthy of more than you had ever believed you were.
When it really hits you that this is the only life you are going to have on this earth in this life time, it changes your perspective on life. Suddenly it becomes very important that you do as much as you can without comparing your life to others lives. My focus is no longer on what others are doing or can do that I cannot. It is on what can I do with what I have?
So that being said. I will close this blog for now and get on my cross-stitch project so I can finish at least one darn Christmas card this weekend. I am not naïve. I know the thoughts shared above will not always be easy to live out on a daily basis. I know there will be days and moments when I will fall back on the old Cathie and her doubts. But it is my hope that these moments will be less frequent as more creative, encouraging women come into my life. I have a new found hope and I am not going to let it escape me. I may not have another chance.
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