Sunday morning and I don't know want to get out of bed. Its quiet in here by myself. You wait for the day your kids grow up so you can have some "alone time" There is just one catch to this, you forget that you are still living with someone. And, as long as you choose to live with someone you will seldom have quiet time to yourself. Even when he is sleeping my wonderful husband cannot help it, he makes noise by snoring Just the other day as he was napping after work, I found myself staring at this man and wondering, is this it? Is this the rest of my life? Never having time to myself more than once a month for a few hours? Is my job the last job I will have the rest of my working life? This could stink big time. Its not exactly what I planned. OK, I never really sat down and planned how I wanted my life to be, or dreamed of how it would be. But if I had I am pretty sure it would not be like this. I did believe as a young girl at one time of growing up and becoming a writer or artist. But that quickly vanished as I got into my teens and took a path of which I am not proud of. Anyway, I really got to thinking about this situation. I have been learning of late that I am the only one who can change a situation I am not happy or comfortable in. Don't go jumping the gun people. I am not considering a divorce, not right at this moment anyway.
Sometimes I resent that I don't have more days to myself to do as I please without being interupted or listening to noise.Time to myself is something I need. Not just desire. And it really is for his own protection as well. Lets face it, happy wife, happy life. When its been a while since I had a day to myself you can sense the tension in the air. He can do nothing right. Every word that comes out of his mouth gets a sharp reply. Out of no where I start ranting at how selfish he is, how unfair it is that he gets so much time to himself when I work on a Sat. afternoon or go to socials. All the things I let slide for months comes flying out of my mouth. It is like having an evil woman living inside me who gets lose and takes over. No matter how I try to keep her bottled in, she escapes and there is no stopping her. Some say this is just part of menopause. I say menopause my ass. He needs to know these things so he can change and I can be happy! To which some lady who is not married, will say, "Now Cathie, you are being unfair, you knew this when you married him." I just spit in her face and walk away. (In my mind of course). The simple fact is, I am a selfish woman who needs her own space and who does not always "play well with others." There is this woman in me who likes to have her own way when she wants it. Not when it is convenient for others who are involved in her life. After all, hasn't everyone learned that life is about me? Perhaps I need to send out another memo.
Maybe I wasn't meant to cohabitate with someone. Maybe I am suppose to be in a relationship where we each have our own place but get together for "special" visits and fun time when it suits both of us. Wouldn't that be the perfect arrangement? Oh come on now. Its not that I hate my husband or want to get rid of him. And I am pretty darn sure he has these thoughts at times as well. After all, by now if you have been reading my blogs you will certainly know I too, am not the easiest person to live with. He just happens to get more time to himself than I do so of course I get resentful. And rightfully so I would imagine.
So, how can I change my life in a way that I can be happy and content. Without having to put much effort or time into it. Remember, I am not a disciplined, "go get em" kind of person. Nor do I have the financial means to hire someone to do it all for me. So, I need to get creative. I mean lets be real here, I love this pain in the butt guy with all my heart, I just need to get him to change a few things so we can have the perfect relationship, you know the kind; where it all goes according to Cathie's plan. So what creative ideas can I come up with for this problem.
I could get up early on a Sunday afternoon and put a sedative under his tongue. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill the guy, just keep him asleep for a while so I won't be bothered while trying to write or watch a good movie. Of course first I would have to get it under his tongue and how do you do that when he is awake? And will a sedative keep him from snoring? I think not. New idea.
Sometimes to get some Cathie time I have to "go to my room". Why doesn't he come in here and I have the whole house to myself for a while? He says he will, but that would mean me telling him I want the house to myself, which would then make me the bad guy for making him stay in the bedroom all day, which would make people fell sorry for him. No, it is better for me to be the martyr and him the spoiled child.
So, here I am, looking around at this bedroom. And I get this idea. It has long counter with drawers and a little drawer on top. It is a vanity of sorts I believe. These were popular when this trailor was first built. Anyway, what if I take it over and give him the dresser. I could use it for my desk. It is far away enough from the living room to concentrate on what I am studying or writing, and it has plenty of room for my books, journal and another bookshelf. With a little creativity, I could have my own "Cathie's Space." And when I am ready to focus and not be disturbed, I can put a sign on the door, "Do not enter." We also have another room off the living room we are making into a craft room. I can sew and he can do his woodcarving crafts. But first we need doors to keep the cats out. Oh. Look, just as I am into this post he is now home from grocery shopping. Once again, impeccable timing. See, when we get the room rearranged, this won't matter because I will be left alone when he comes home from somewhere. Oh, well, I need to edit this anyway, so I will stop here and go buy myself a purse. That will make up for this horrible thing being done to my privacy invasion.
So, its been a while since writing this blog. I have rearranged the bedroom so I have "Cathie's Space" AND! I have a new work schedule where I can take a whole day off once a month and work all day Saturday, instead just four hours off a month work fours in the middle of the day Saturday. (We are required to work one Sat. a month). I am getting creative and all involved are benefitting. Maybe thinking things out can be a good thing. I learn to be a little less selfish, others get more of my good side. We shall see. I do need to get a higher seated chair for my new desk however.
Its funny how such a small thing can bring me more incentive to write and take myself a little more serious as a writer. I have gone through my journals and continue to jot things down on paper due to my strong love of pen to paper.
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