When does it stop. I always believed that mind would mature and age along with my body. That as my body "matured", so would my mind. Where did this silly notion come from? Instead I find my body aging and my mind slowly digressing backwards. Not maturing at all! OK, maybe not completely true.
Last night after my bath, I noticed something that made me want to scream, "who took my body!" There were all these little purple things on my legs, lines and wrinkles where firm skin used lay. Sore body aches where firm muscles used to be. And to top it all off, my hair is doing this weird thing lately. Instead of laying shiny and thick, it is frizzy and course. And there are these gray streaks mixed in with the brown that I swear I did not put there! But if I start pulling them out, which I considered, I would then be bald! I had my nails done a week ago in hopes of making my hands pretty. Then realized all I have managed to do is draw attention to hands that are becoming arthritic and veins showing through the thin skin. I understand now when someone says, "He has old hands." I am just not sure how to wrap my head around all these changes my body is going through without my permission. And I certainly can't seem to get my thinking to mature so it is the same age as my body. My husband who is the least vain person I know, he is one of those people I want to throw a rock at, he is not self conscious about his body at all and will walk naked into the bedroom after a bath as if he were a handsome hunk of twenty. Of course being the loving supportive wife that I am, I say nothing and smile up at him and say "hey handsome". I wonder to myself, do I look as old to him as he to me, is he thinking the same thoughts and just being sweet when he whistles at me? I find myself more and more trying to get dressed before he see's me. How is that for being vain in a different manner? It is not so difficult to understand why women spend so much money avoiding the inevitable; growing old which means looking old.
I think like a twelve year one day, a seventeen year old the next. (I have to admit I act like a twelve year at times as well). What does a fifty or sixty year old think like? Anyone know? Anyone care to share? Somehow I believed that when I reached this age I would no longer concern myself with things such as how my hair looks, or have I gotten fat? I would just finally be able to relax and enjoy my life. I do have to admit this is happening in subtle ways which I will share later in this post, I am just whining right now.
Unless your spouse is ten or fifteen years younger than you, it is even harder to pretend your body is not getting older. When I see my husband aging physically, it is a wake up call that he too is seeing my body age as well. And this really makes me want to scream "I want my young body back! I would not bother myself about such vanity after forty, so I thought. I am just as vain now as I was in my younger years. However, there is some differences.
You would never catch me walking the dog in my pajamas, or running to the store without make up. Today, I throw on a coat and walk the dog. After all who is going to notice at 6am what I am wearing? And in the grocery store do the clerks or other customers give a hoot if I put on make up or not? The cool thing, only thing maybe, about being older is that people really aren't looking at you much anymore. Sadly they are focusing on the younger prettier, sexier ladies. The competition is gone. Unless of course you are in your senior years and still competing to look twenty. I am sorry to inform you that as we age, things that looked attractive in our twenties and thirties no longer appear attractive. Just silly. And when we try to dress like a twenty year old, you do attract attention. The attention though is not positive. Instead of admiring your long legs in a short skirt, they are laughing at that "old" lady trying to look cute. Yes, old. Remember when you were young, in your late teens early twenty's? People in their fifties and sixties were considered old. They may as well have been eighty to us. My husband and I notice it more and more. At work my husband is teased about being the "old guy" in the field. Young clerks call me mam, the polite ones anyway.
I am still immature in some of my attitudes. I sulk when I don't get my way. I have a temper tantrum when people don't treat me the way I think they should or don't drive fast enough. I continue to want what I want when I want it, no patience in this lady. So how does one grow-up? Do you copy another's behavior that appears grown up? I tried that. Felt like a phony and didn't feel it inside. I wasn't finding out who I was as a grown-up, I was just pretending to be someone else. And that someone else wasn't always the best person to be I would find later.
So I did some investigating. I began questioning other women my age or older about their mental status. Did they feel their age? Most said they too thought like a kid. Still wanted things they enjoyed as teen agers. Others were comfortable in their own skin (wrinkled and all) and just accepted it as part of the circle of life. These were the ones I wanted to be like. I am tired of the Cathie who is always trying to be like that gorgeous fifty year old who never ages. Lets face it, the more make up some of us put on our faces, the older and sillier we look. I am at the place in life where "less is best."
What I am learning to do is think before I try to do something. I must ask myself, is this the twelve year old that wants to run around the block? Can the present fifty something do it without causing injury or pain? It is sad when I feel sore after hiking two miles when just last year I was hiking four to five up hill! unfortunately my body has more control over my life these days than my mind.
Yes, being in my fifties is beginning to show in many ways physically; and I have two choices. Continue to judge myself harshly which I have always done; or accept myself lovingly for the wonderful woman I am growing into. There are days when I feel like a grown up and am allowing her to develop her own interests and joys in this life. It takes practice, it takes being uncomfortable and at times making others uncomfortable who are not used to the new confident older woman I am growing into.
As I write this post I am made aware of the many changes that have occurred in the past year and many are good. Living life on life's terms can really be a good thing to practice. I believe I will continue to work on this.
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