I can't believe it. I just lost two hours of writing about my visit back home and how things are not always how we wished or believed them to be. I hit a button some how and lost the whole thing. Now I must start rewriting the whole thing again. I know it will be different and I want to cry. It was good and it was honest. I can only hope my God will bring back the words she gave me in the first piece I wrote.
I had planned and bought my tickets to fly back east to stay with one of my sisters we will call Elle. During those eight months Elle and I texted back and forth almost daily. We were building that relationship I saw in healthy families. We were joking, laughing and sometimes sharing serious things with each other. As the trip got closer, we began talking about all the fun we were going to have. Eating jello and watching our favorite shows. Playing Yahtzee til late into the night. It was going to be so much fun. And with all the work I had been doing the past year, I just knew she and my other sisters were going to love the new me. They were going to be so happy spending time with me and forming a close, loving relationship with one another. I couldn't wait for my nieces to meet me, and I them.
As the trip got within a couple of months, I began to sense trouble in the horizon. My baby sister, (we will call Sheila), were also making plans of our own. There was no reason for Elle to take time off from her new job during my seven day visit. I could spend a couple of them with Sheila. It was exciting. We were planning how we would have time to share and get to know each other do some bonding. When I told Elle our plans of having a couple days together, so she need not worry about taking every day off, she became different. Instead of being relieved to save vacation time, and giving me and Sheila some time together (like a normal family would), she wanted to know why she wasn't included. And was dinner and game night at Sheila's just for me, or was she invited. I saw for the first time since my planned trip, that Elle was just as jealous and controlling as I remembered her to be. I simply told her of course she was invited. And we were just trying to save her some vac. time at her new job. Already I was being sucked into the old "roles" of my dysfunctional family. And it was about to get worse. A few weeks before I was to leave I began to feel uncomfortable and nervous. Through all the texting I was beginning to see that there would be no "Cathie and Sheila time." Elle had gone ahead and taken every day I would be there off from her job. Her way of controlling and manipulating my plans and the trip. She was running the show. There would be no bonding time between me and Sheila, or any family member for that matter except with Elle.
I continued to tell myself it would be alright. Hadn't I changed? Didn't I have some "tools" to use on my visit? I knew not to react to things; to be loving and kind and accepting of my sisters. Letting them be who they were. More important, I knew I could not and should not try to change their lives. Only go to visit. But deep down I was still excited to show them their new better version of Cathie, their big sister. I couldn't wait for Sheila to see her big sister and learn she could trust and turn to me if she ever needed a big sister.
The first two days were fantastic. Elle and I went shopping, out to lunch, just had fun talking and laughing. I was able to spend evenings with our niece who was living with Elle, and getting to see the young lady she had grown into. She had just graduated high school. Sheila came over in the evening after work to visit. She cooked us a meal and now as I look back, there was little time for her to come sit and visit. Again Elle had managed to manipulate it in a way that looked like Sheila chose to cook. And perhaps she did. I only remember not being able to visit with her alone during my entire trip . Elle was always there. I also watched as Elle controlled those around her. She was happy and loving when everyone was living by her script; (remember, I forgot to mail mine ahead). But I also witnessed on several occasions a lot of anger. The one constant during my whole trip was the yelling and constant loud noise. Loud t.v.; the radio going every morning, dogs barking loud and continuously every morning. It was just constant loud noise. Not at all what my fantasy trip looked like. And it was about to get a whole lot worse.
On the third day, another one of my sisters, we will call Betsy, came into the picture. It was Saturday. My grand-nephews 2nd birthday party. I knew no one there and Elle was off busy helping our older niece with the party. Thank goodness for Tina, my niece living with Elle. She kept me company until Betsy showed up. It was not the entrance I expected. When Betsy came into the yard that day I was beyond shock. I could not accept mentally, what I was seeing. As she got closer I saw a very frail, thin rail of a lady, with eyes hidden in dark sockets approaching me with a big smile. She had to use a cane. Was this really Betsy? I saw pictures, she wasn't sick like this. that I remember. I was told she was doing better! She gave me a big hug and sat down by me. She was in a good place mentally, not snowed under with medication (I thought) and we were having such a good time talking and taking selfies. Yes, I was having fun with another one of my sisters, my fantasy was becoming real. Suddenly, Betsy saw Elle sitting across from us alone. She said she better go talk to her before she got angry because she was getting jealous. I was heart broken. This wasn't suppose to happen. I was the one visiting, I didn't have every day with my sisters, Elle did. Why wasn't it OK to have time with each of my sisters without one of them being jealous and getting angry? We were adults now remember? So there I was again. Sitting alone at a party I knew no one. I was growing bored and my back was hurting from too much sitting and walking the last two days. I was ready to go home. I was ignored when asked if we were leaving soon. We had already been there all day; didn't she want to spend time with me, her sister she was so excited to spend time with? I was beginning to regret my decision to spend a full week there.
Finally it was time to go home. I wasn't sure how Elle was going to be when we got in the car. But she seemed OK. I was relieve she wasn't angry over my having fun with my sister. I was soon to learn how wrong I was. Later that night, I mentioned Betsy had said she wanted to ride to the airport with us. It was as if I had announced some terrible news! Elle snapped at me and wanted to know why. And why was Betsy and I hanging all over each other with selfies and never once talked to her! I was shocked and not sure how to respond. I was, after all, staying in her house and we had plenty of time talking, while my time with my other sisters was limited. Where was this anger coming from? I slowly got up and went into the kitchen. I mumbled something about being frustrated over not being able to spend time with my other sisters without causing trouble. I went to go up stairs when Elle got snobby and stated, "what, now your going to go upstairs and pout?" My new learning tools kicked in; I remained calm and simply reminded her that it was she who said, if I needed space, feel free to go upstairs. She calmed down for a bit. I then foolishly stated I did not think it was right that I could not have fun with my other sisters without causing trouble for her. Something to those words. Suddenly not only was she screaming at me about being made to be the bad guy, but then my brother in law came out of his den and began screaming in my face about not knowing what they had to deal with every day with my sisters drug problems. I tried to say that was true, and that is why I thought she was having one of her good days. I was not to explain my side. I could not talk over their screaming and the little frightened guilt ridden girl came soaring into my body. I was no longer the confident, grown up Cathie. Now I was the little girl being screamed at for something she unknowingly, innocently did. I ran up to my room and cried hysterically as I dialed a dear friend who had been there to help me grow and change over the past year and a half. I recall crying out to her, "I want to be an adult in this mess, I was hysterical and felt like I was going to throw up. She calmed me down and helped me to see what I needed to do step by step as I was too confused and emotional to know on my own. I called my husband to see if he could please get me tickets to come home the very next day. I tried to explain what had happened and how I just couldn't stay there and be stressed all week over who I could talk to and when. He talked to me and was so loving and he told me to calm down he would see what he could do. He would get me home. We hung up so he could look into it. Meanwhile my niece walked in and tried to console me and explain that this was Elle. She was very jealous and gets jealous. You just have to accept it and ignore it. In 5 minutes it would all be over and never brought up again. I told her that was not OK, what they did, was not OK nor acceptable. She begged me not leave. To just please give it another day. My phone rang, it was a lady I didn't know, that my friend had called. I told my niece I needed to take this call and would think about what she said. The kind lady on the other end of the phone was gentle and kind as she spoke to me. She shared how she dealt with dysfunctional family members and made some suggestions on how I could get through the next week. It was so helpful. My husband called me back and said he could get me home the next day. I asked about the cost and could we get the money back, he wasn't sure. I asked if we had enough for me to stay a hotel the rest of my trip, we did not. Apparently my God felt it was important for me to stay put. I thanked him for trying and being there for me, but I would stick it out.
True to my nieces words, the next morning I woke up to the usual. Elle sitting at her kitchen table texting on her phone, listening to her radio, dogs barking like crazy, Elle yelling for them to shut up. I could feel the tenseness between us. What was I supposed to do? If I tried to talk about what happened it would create a whole new angry conversation; if I played the game and acted as if everything was forgotten and ok, it would lessen the tension and make life bearable for everyone. I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and took my coffee upstairs while they went back and forth with Betsy and whether or not she was going to the big fair with us. Memories I had safely tucked away slowly crept back into my mind. Memories of my dad beating my mother the night before in a drunken rage; us sisters huddled in terror once again, wondering if tonight was the night he would kill her. The next day we all went about business as usual. What happened the night before was not mentioned and forgotten. I was angry. It wasn't' suppose to be this way. What happened to the fun and laughter we were going to have? I knew without a doubt those times were meant for only for when Elle and I were alone. But when other family members were present, I was conveniently pushed aside while Elle talked and joke with them. I was being gently put in my place. I knew that morning how my trip was going to be played out and I was filled with sadness and anger.
The day at the fair was long and tense. Thankfully Sheila, my baby sister was there and at times she and I were able to go see things together without causing anger in Elle. My niece with the two year old sensed something was wrong but I refused to talk to her about it. Elle for the most part ignored me. At times she would include me; but I already knew my role. Be quiet and join in when invited. I was not the sister from out of town that everyone was spending quality time with; I was simply the sister. Elle was the important one and she made sure whenever a family member started to have fun with me, that I,knew it. The day was long and my back was getting worse from all the sitting and the 12 hours of walking around the fair. I said nothing. I had become who I resented. one of Elle's minions. It would be the only way to survive this trip. I could not imagine how I was going to get through the next four days. That evening was usual. t.v. shows and phone texting. No real conversations. I learned quickly this was her life. I did my best to make the day enjoyable and found little gifts to bring home. I kept being reminded in my head, "you are as happy as you choose to be, you have choices today."
The next day we went to the beach. It was the best time ever and I was going to enjoy the heck out of it; Elle's jealousy be damned! I had a wonderful, fun time at the beach and playing in the water. By evening however, I was ready to leave, my back was in horrible pain and I couldn't sit on the benches. But Elle was insistent that we stay and cook burgers, in spite of me stating I was ready to leave and hurting pretty bad. She snapped something I don't recall, but remember feeling embarrassed and angry. It was as if she were my mother all over again telling me to "shut up and be quiet". Yup, it was becoming a long seven days for sure. But I just kept my eyes on my trip back home. Making the best of each day as I could and not reacting to Elle's controlling jealous character. We both knew the argument had changed us, our relationship.
Somehow I got through the rest of the trip and it was finally my last night. Everyone was coming over to have dinner and say good bye. My niece, the older one, and I were at the computer getting ready to click on the airline site to get good seats on the plane. After we received the confirmation however, we could not get it to print. We were sitting there trying everything and laughing. Having fun you might say. Once again Elle's jealous anger erupted as she came into the room wanting to know what we were laughing about. I explained we couldn't get the ticket to print. She told us both to get up and go eat, she would do it. I heard that a lot over the week come to think about it. She would take control of a situation, then be angry for having to do it. Finally Sheila was able to figure it out. I was eating my supper scared to death I was not going to be able to get a flight home. I was relieved and happy. Sheila had also brought over a beautiful mason jar filled with sand, shells, grass and even a dead crab from the day at the beach! I was so overwhelmed with love towards this sister. She spent most of the evening cooking me a great meal. I joined her in the kitchen a few times but made sure it wasn't too long so it didn't cause trouble with the jealous one. The feeling of being her protective, big sister from the past came back to me with such force, it took all I had to not burst out crying for all the work she put into making this a good trip, I wanted badly to take her aside and tell her she didn't have to live this way. But it was not my place, nor my business. So I prayed quietly and was calmed down.
The next day I could not get to the airport quick enough. I was a couple hours early and it didn't matter. It would be a couple hours to unwind and let what happened sink in. I was disappointed that I was not as changed as I had thought. It hurt my ego to see that I was still easily drawn into reacting to others behavior and moods as I always was. I did not see the amazing growth and change I had hoped to see on this trip. The only difference was Elle and I were still speaking when we got to the air port to say good bye.
My first day home was one of silent emotional melt down. I couldn't feel anything or think about anything. I only remember unpacking slowly and asking myself over and over, what happened? What did I do wrong? I had a good cry that first morning, and the day was pleasantly quiet. Going from constant loud noises and angry yelling, to no one there was both wonderful and troubling. It was as if my brain was having trouble figuring out what just happened. The next day I knew I wasn't ready to go back to work. I wasn't emotionally ready to walk back into the office where the noise level and lack of respect was the same as what I just left. So I did what I needed to do for me and stayed home. By the middle of the second day home I was myself again and everything felt normal. Elle had texted and once again she and I were acting as if nothing had happened. But we both know that wasn't true. We just choose not to talk about it. For now that is OK. I understand with both pity and compassion how sad a life she has.
What positive things can I take from this trip? I gained a sense of gratitude for my life here and with my husband I did not have before. I had it, but not to the degree I now feel. Now I had something to compare my life with. As painful as it was to accept, I knew without a doubt, my relationship with my sisters was not going to be how I had hoped; perhaps it never would be. That is not for me to say. But for today, I will take what I can get. After a few days home, I was able to look at my sisters in a whole different way. I understand where each of them are coming from. I understand why they behave and live the way they do. Like me at one time in my life; they know no different.
So where are we now? We are back to texting, though not as much, like all is well in paradise. Elle's jealousy still pops up anytime I show my baby sister special attention on Facebook. but that is her problem. I am slowly learning when it is about me, and when it is about the other person. I also learned I still have a long way to go when dealing with relationships, especially with those that are important to me. It is time to bury the fantasy of the relationship I had hoped for with my sisters, and accept with unconditional love, the one I actually have. Or should I say, don't have? After all, I am the one that got away.
I have not given up on my sisters completely mind you. I have just accepted the relationships for what they are. And I know that when we do text it is usually because I texted first. Perhaps it is time for me to step back and give them permission to have a relationship with me if they choose to. It is a very painful reality. But I know from experience that when I accept it, I will grow a little more. As my friends always remind me; change is a life long process. It happens slowly. Others will see it before we do.
Last evening we had a party at our home and some friends were over. It was such fun and as I looked around I couldn't help but smile as I watched different conversations going on and everyone was smiling and laughing. There was no arguing nor yelling. Just laughter, some seriousness at times, depending on the subject going on. But in all, it was a night of relaxing and having fun with my new family.
Many years ago, I remember listening to a woman speak who said, "I couldn't choose the family I was born into, but now as an adult, I can create a new family " and so friends, that is what I am slowly doing. I will always be family by blood with my sisters. But I have to remember, I have only been back a few times in thirty some odd years with little conversations in between. I am closer and know more about my friends then I do my sisters. So it would make sense to create a new family with my friends. My relationships are now built slowly with others who are fun, encouraging, and who love and accept me unconditionally just as I am. Knowing I have warts, but loving me while the warts are slowly removed. My friends are what I like to call my "wart removers" although they don't know it yet because I just made it up. I have a long way to go to be a better person, but today I don't have to do it alone. I have a family of friends to help me.
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