There was a time, a very long time ago when I thought I had faith in God. I would talk to him at night during the day. I even started going to church and believing whatever they told me about who God was and what I needed to do to be "saved". These people had such faith, how could they be wrong? In the church I belonged to, 90% had good lives. Big gorgeous houses; beautiful clothes. No worries in the world. At least that is what I assumed. I remember always feeling like the kid in the Charlie Brown cartoon, Pig pen, when I walked into the building and sat down. It took time for the women to talk to me and find that I was not interested in their husbands. And yes, unfortunately I was wrong. These women turned out to be a blessing in my life. They warned me that my new found faith would blow up in my face one day. That because I strongly believed in God's love for me and that he would never let anything more bad happen to me, that when something bad came into my life my faith would disappear. How could they say such a thing? How could they preach faith one day and turn around the next and tell you your faith would be tested one day. I just didn't believe it.
Well, they were right. One day my husband at the time told me he wanted a divorce. He only married me because that was what he should do at his age; get married. I remember a fog slowly form around me. I was safe in this fog. I did not have to feel. I didn't have to talk to anyone. And I certainly didn't want to talk to God. Once again I was made to feel like a fool by my faith in a God I thought I believed in. Then it struck me, I was believing in the church's concept of God. A God of judgement, testing those who he loved; testing our love and loyalty. What kind of God would create us kmnwing one day we would destroy the beautiful life on this planet? No, the more I heard at church, the less I believed in a God of THEIR understanding. I knew it was time to find a God of MY understanding. I needed the God I had in early sobriety. The God I did not need to understand or know; just had to believe he was there and heard everything I said. And every so often this God would show Itself through a "coincident". I once heard, Coincident's are God's way of staying anonymous. Now, once again I believe in a Power Greater than Myself. One that I do not need to understand or put in a box. A God of all Life and creation. We are all part of this Universe, connected through this Higher Being.
If you really think about it; it is pretty arrogant to believe we could understand a God who is powerful enough to Create such a Universe. Where everything is made perfect. But we humans have become our own god. Creating and manufacturing machines and pesticides for things creation was doing all by itself. Did you know that bats eat insects? Yes, they come out at night and the pesty insects we hate. But I guess they don't it well enough to suit us so we created pesticides. A chemical that not only kills insects, but is toxic to us as well. Is this not crazy? If you believe God is the creator of all that exists, why do you litter? Why do you seek to destroy His creation? No, sorry, don't buy it.
The God of my understanding doesn't expect or need anything from me. However I need all from God. Strength for when life is difficult, Courage for when I am afraid or have lost someone important, or a job; I need my God for inner peace when I am in turmoil and my emotions are all over the place. The God of my understanding has no beginning or end and all of us, all that has life in it, are apart of the Higher Being because we are apart of the Universe. We were born into a world filled with greed, envy, anger, murder. But we don't have to let these things consume our every waking moment. At least that is what I have to keep telling myself. You see, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, my life is filled with worry and fear. And that is why every day I start with a simple prayer I learned about serenity, courage and wisdom. I have to accept I am powerless over people and what they do or how they choose to live; not to mention what they think about me. When I can accept I am powerless over others and situations, that trying to control what happens, my life becomes unmanageable. I am working on "Letting Go, and Letting God." It is not easy for me to trust in Power I believe in, yet don't necessarily believe it cares about someone as insignificant as me. Trust, it is a big word for but I am watching my life unfold in a different way and watching out for small miracles and "coincidences". For those times where I am afraid, and suddenly I walk through the fear believing this Power is with me giving me courage. And after I have walked through the fear, (or drove through it in a winter storm), it fills me with more faith and a sense that maybe, just maybe I am not who I believe I am. Perhaps I am stronger and better, but it is hidden deep down by mistrust of the Power's love for me.
Each day I grow closer and closer to believing in a God of MY understanding. A God that is too big for me to define. As I continue on this journey, as I talk more regularly to this Power greater than myself, I believe I will gain back that strong faith I once had before I allowed humans with good intentions tell me who this God is. We are all a family in this universe and as my husband puts so well; This Power greater than all of us, is gentle enough to give each of us an understanding we can turn and trust in God. We will all have our different beliefs and that is OK. It is OK to believe differently, but it is also important that we do not force our personal faiths on others. That we do not judge our fellow brother and sisters in this Power of life. That is playing God. Our purpose while here on this planet, is to help, love and give hope to one another, at least that is what I believe.
So, I will leave it at that. I have an understanding of who God is in my life today, and I believe it will always be changing, and yet staying the same. I love being on the spiritual journey.
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