It is official. Men DO get grumpier as they get older. This morning I have proof. There have been other times when I could have proven it; however I had simply let it go. Not without a fight mind you. So let me share my beautiful Saturday morning's start.
My husband is the most stubborn man on this planet. No, reader, you cannot say your husband is; I've taken dibs on this one ladies.
It has gotten way out of hand and I am not sure how I am going to continue putting up with it. Think about it. What man in his right mind would pick a fight or get stubborn with a menopausal wife? Is that not insane or what? Yet, this very morning my husband has decided he would. All because once again I knew what was good for him and how happy he would be with a Kindle Fire. Why couldn't he have just accepted the gift? Why did he have to get upset when I continued to badger him about it? Hasn't this man learned in the past 20 years that I know what will make him happy? Gosh, sometimes his stubbornness drives me absolutely crazy! His mood changes are so fast the make my head spin. One moment we are laughing and having a good time and the next, he is snapping my head off. Again, because he was not going to try something I know he would enjoy; a Kindle Fire. So we will argue; I will stomp off into my room and not speak to him. My way of "showing him,"
He, on the other hand, will simply go on as if nothing has happened, the argument is over so no need holding on to the anger, is what he is no doubt thinking. oblivious to the fact that I am in my room ignoring him. I will show him what stubbornness is! I will simply camp out in my room and let him have the whole house, including the television if he pleases. I don't need it. And I will also show this grumpy old man just how well off I can be without any help from him. And when did he turn into this old man? Why does he act old when he is only in his early 60's! I refuse to be married to an old grump. An old anything for that matter. Then it means I am old. Or older I want to say. Anyway, if he doesn't want to listen to me when I am right than so be it. He will just go without a damn Kindle Fire! Or anything else I tell him to get or do that will make him happier. This man always says he "doesn't need it," I keep trying to tell him that is not the point ! Not everything is about need. Sometimes having something is just about having fun, having something to make you feel good. Like me spending money we don't really have, getting my nails done. They look pretty and make me feel good. Isn't that the purpose in life? He just doesn't want to be happy I think. He pretends to be content and satisfied with what he has but I know better. And the sooner he realizes that I do in fact know what will make him happy and satisfied with his life the better it will be for the both of us!
Uggh! If these hot flashes don't go away soon I am going to put us both out of our miseries! He doesn't have to put up with them; nor with having to go without dentures for over a week because of stitches I had to get. Yet, he is the one who got upset because I kept pushing him to take my kindle, and I would get a new one. He wouldn't have to put out the money he doesn't want to 'waste, because he doesn't need it." OK, he did say he would think about it; but really, what is there to think about? If I say this will be good for you, it will be convenient and fun for you to have, why the heck would you argue and get mad and act like a grumpy, stubborn man and decide that now you just won't get one? That is being crazy and unreasonable. Of course as usual, he will make this argument about me. It will have been caused by my constant pushing him to do something he "wanted to think about" instead of accepting he was wrong by not listening to me and acknowledging I am right. So now I will just have to show him.
First, I will start picking up my own prescriptions and things I need at the store. My car will be filled with gas by me; not him and I will no longer allow him to cook my suppers; I will do that myself. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are just fine for me. Another way I will show him is by cleaning up the kitchen so he doesn't have get thanked for doing it. I certainly don't get thanked. And I will clean up after the animals myself, he won't be needed for that either. Yep, I am going to show this husband of mine that I am very capable of living life by myself. He won't have to do a thing. That ought to wake him up.
OK, I admit I could have stopped insisting upon him getting a Kindle Fire when he said, "Let me think about it." I just didn't see what there was to think about. So you get the picture. I had started an unnecessary argument with my husband this morning. There was a difference this time. I ended it before it got too serious. Before it became a fight that ruined the whole day. When he reacted in anger and said, "forget it, I am not getting one." I just waved my hand in the air and said, "Not listening, you are not going to start another weekend with a fight." and here I am, sitting on my bed journaling.
And as usual, writing it out helps me to see the humor in the situation. How silly I can be, or immature if I am to be honest with myself, over the littlest things. Why was it so important for me, that he have a kindle? Yes, they are wonderful and handy. I love having one. So of course I think he would love one as well. Once again I am trying to control what he must do to be happy. But it is not my responsibility to make him happy as it is not his to make me happy. So I am going to stop here and take my dog for a walk. No more pouting; now it is time to be pro active. This is not to say I am not still angry about his stubbornness and grouchiness. I am. It just means I am not going to allow anger to stay burning within and ruin a perfectly beautiful warm day. I will go have breakfast on the deck and take my dog and I for a walk around
Reader you are not going to believe how God turned this whole day around! Well first this God I do not understand but still believe in, filled me with the thought to go for that walk I planned on . On this walk I happened to look into someone's yard and what I was blessed with was to see two deer with a doe between them eating in the yard! It was beautiful. I love to see the Creator's work up and close. He knows how close I feel to this Him/ when outside seeing nature in its natural . I feel uplifted and hopeful whenever I am around trees and animals. I can sense the Universe's Power all around me. I couldn't stop smiling. I could sense my Higher Power smiling and saying, "Cathie, just think, had I not pushed you to walk, you would have missed this creation of mine." I smiled the rest of the way home.
All my anger was gone by the time I got back. My husband was now the one in his room. My first reaction was, oh great, he is reverting back to when he was a kid and would escape into a book rather than fight it out. But then the spirit within gave me a different thought, perhaps he was giving me some space, some time alone to do what I needed to do.
The day was fantastic. I met a very special woman who is the mother I never had, and we went to lunch and movie. I love her so much and have promised to care for her when the time came for her to need it. And I intend to keep this promise. God will need to figure out the details. I will just follow that gentle voice within. We shared serious things at lunch and funny things. I have no doubt at all in my heart that this woman and her husband really love me. That I am special to them and a part of them. That is not easy for me to accept from others, trust, but it is coming along. I want to be able to say one day, "God, I trust that I am a part of you and that you love me."
So back to this morning. Yes, it started out rough, and yes, as the day wore on, I realized that by trying to "show him," my husband. I was really hurting lf. Do I want to have to start cooking for myself, filling up my car, running after work to pick up prescriptions or something we need? No, and I do not want to take away from my spouse, that feeling of pride and joy he gets because he is doing something for his wife. This is important to him. I am not saying I don't feel relieved I do not have to worry about these things, of course it is nice to have someone to do them for me, I'm not a fool. But I also want to work on not taking him for granted. Or controlling what he does or doesn't do. Like or doesn't like.
When I returned home later in the day all was well. He had let it go, actually he let it go right after it happened. It was me hanging onto it. The need to be right. So worried he wouldn't get a darn Kindle Fire. It is going to take more than a few months to grow through feeling responsible for his happiness or lack of. But the evening was fun and we watched a comedy together and shared things, fun things.
Isn't it silly how big fights and arguments come from that small need inside to control a situation, or feel responsible for other people's happiness? I have a husband who frustrates me to no end a lot of the time; but then I can see clearly now, that he too can find me frustrating and controlling at times.
I guess we will both just keep on learning new ways to deal with things that come up. For me that will take letting go of the belief I know what is best for him and then trying to force it down his throat. Do I really want to choke the guy? Of course not.
Today was a successful day. A wonderful, fun day. These are the days I see God the most. I even saw a coyote as well today. Another reminder that I am not in charge. And all this knowledge and understanding came from a Kindle! Really, is it that important he want one? Is it worth ruining a whole day over? I think not. Just chalk it up to a new lesson about my relationships and need to make everyone happy and actually end up making them frustrated or angry.
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