Doubting God's word has always been a problem for me. Doubting my faith in what I have learned and heard about my Christian faith and what it should look like from one who is "saved" or more "mature in the faith."has caused me such anxiety and self-doubting. The uncertainty and need to believe what I heard has caused me such confusion and turmoil that I cannot or could not obtain the inner peace I have always searched for. I have had glimpses, this is true, they were always just that, glimpses. The past several weeks I have come to understand that only I can tell myself what truth is. It is from within that God's spirit talks to me. Not "out there" This is not true of everyone perhaps; but for me it is. I know this with absolute conviction.
I have never trusted completely in what my gut tells me, what my instincts tell me and I have paid the price many times over for this. But what is really important here is that until I am ready to be completely willing to live this life the way I believe God intends for me each day, I will never experience true inner peace. I will always be in turmoil, I will always be searching. You cannot live up to what someone else says is truth no matter how convincing. If it is not what the Holy Spirit deep within is telling you, then it will not rest comfortably inside of you. It is only by my own conviction that I will be able to stand up straight and say, "This I believe." without feeling aprehensive or defensive. To be honest about who I am, what I trust in and what I believe is to know freedom. And freedom brings harmony and peace with those around me. I am no longer on defense or offense.
A short while back, when I finally admitted to myself and God that I did not believe in the virgin birth or resurrection with complete certainty, I felt such an overwhelming peace and joy within. The truth was out of the bag. I was no longer afraid because I did not believe everything I was taught or been told was truth. I was able to come clean with others since then about my speculations as to taking the whole Bible literally. Of course, I had to make sure these people knew I meant business so I came out strong let me tell you. But today I realize, that when I am being honest with myself, when I am being truthful to myself and what I believe, I do not need to convince you that I am right. It is when I try to force myself to believe something I just cannot believe that I become doubtful and therefore defensive with others because I need to convince you so you will agree, and then don't you see, I can feel confident in my faith. After all you wouldn't come around to my way of thinking if it weren't true right?
Ok, once again I have jumped off the path. Anyway, it has brought great inner peace to realize just how much my opinion does not matter. Nor is it my duty to push it upon others. And with this awareness, I suddenly realized, what other's opinions are does not matter either, nor should I allow them to push their opinions upon me. That is not God's will for us. What a concept! Talk about knowing the truth and the truth setting me free! The search for truth was finally over. I will continue to learn and grow along spiritual lines, but I will no longer try to believe something I cannot or try to believe something because "it might be true." I will simply believe God is - and therefore he will - guide me on my spiritual path towards a deeper relationship with him.
Anytime I am quiet and reading the gospels or other spritual works, I am always given a message or meaning for my day ahead. Or even an answer to an earlier question. Sometimes God will meet with me through a book, another time through a person and another instance through a vision or sorts. But always, when I am willing to hear his message good or bad, I will know it. Am I willing to respond to the message is the real question. Am I willing to change something in me that is wrong? Am I willing to ask for forgiveness, or more difficult still, am I wlling to forgive another?
Where has my self-confidence and security been coming from? Others. Ironically, I have put more trust in other people and what they believe, than in my own confidence of what I know and I don't even trust people all that much! I have always lacked confidence in my instincts. God has seen fit lately to slowly change this in me. Ok, it could just be menopause I suppose. I guess most women come to themselves in mid-life, but deep down, I know it is the spirit within me that is awakening. And it is that spirit, the spirit of God that I want to nourish and care for. It isn't easy that is for sure. It is never easy to go up against the majority in your little world. Nor is it easy for those around you who are used to you being a certain way, to accept your changes. Especially if it effects them somehow. God makes us stronger and more confident when we are finally ready to truly do his will. Maybe that is where, "To thine own Self be true" came from. After all, if you are not honest with yourself how can you really have peace?
I do not hold to the same beliefs my Christain fellows do. I do not believe the virgin birth happened or that Jesus was dead three days and came to life. I just don't. I have tried to convince myself I did for several years now and have known only inner turmoil and anxiety where my faith is concerned. I could not have a meaningful, trusting relationship with God because I wasn't being honest with myself. Once I finally openly admitted to God what he already knew, I began to change and become more joyful and more bold, (This is when I began to see I didn't have a right to force my opinion on others). Slowly I have begun to open my eyes to all that God has for me to see. I have begun to trust in his love for me and for the Holy Spirit's guidance in my soul. I trust in that more and more. I do believe with all my spiritual being that God sent Jesus to the earth to give us guidance and truth. On the other hand, I also believe God sent other prophets to guide us and give us messages; many are in the Old Testament of the Bible, others are from other religions of the world, Buddha for instance. He was a very spiritual being. So were many Catholic Monks. So who am I to say who God sends and how he sends us His messages and love? Are you really confident enough in yourself to go up against God?
So, now I have this wonderful new relationship with God based on honesty and willingness to hear his will for me. Here is the bad news part.
Once God took hold of me, after I finally got honest with him; things began to change and contiue to change. I am no longer willing or even able to sit down and pretend anymore. I can't even if it were more comfortable to do so. It is like taking someone who has spent the majority of his/her life in a basement of a house with no windows; taking him/her upstairs to the well lit rooms and then saying, now you go back downstairs and forget what you have just seen up here. Would you be able to stay down there and be content? No. You would keep wondering what else is up there in those rooms. And then you would wonder, what is outside those rooms? Outside the house? The same applies to what happened to me. I was given the awesome freedom of being truthful where I stood spiritually and there was no confusion or fear regarding salvation. Just a sense of peace and joy. It was ok to be the woman God created all along. Oh yeah, I was talking about the bad news.
I now realize that once I have begun this honest relationship with God that I am slowly changing. I am becoming more confident and honest each day. This can make those close to me uncomfortable. They are not used to me saying "no", or "I don't agree." or worse yet, "I am going with my gut on this one." Even more disturbing to them is that I am becoming quieter, they are always asking, "are you ok?". The most difficult part of this new awakening is knowing that by being truthful to where or what God is leading me to can cause others to be disappointed or hurt. Something I do not ever want to get comfortable doing. But I know there will be times when I will have to put God's will ahead of a friends, or co-workers or yes, even my husband's will for me.
God is teaching me the importance of "being quick to listen, and slow to speak". If I am quick to listen, I will hear what God wants me to hear. If I am slow to speak, I am more apt to hear God say, "Cathie, you really don't need to say that, they really don't need your opinion right now." And even though I disagree at times, when I listen to that inner voice, I almost always hear a message. Good or bad, I get a message. And that message can come through any type of meeting with God.
The meeting with God can be in a passage of a book I am reading, or in a group I am with and even through a vision of sorts. Being a visual person, God sometimes will show me something in my thoughts. And I will actually watch the message being played out. I will share a few on this blog in the future. For now I just want to say, I am back with a vengeance. I am excited to start sharing experiences and messages I receive from my morning readings or life's experiences.
Blessings
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