I was speaking with someone the other night regarding the resurrection, the virgin birth and how I had a very difficult time believing in these events. We talked a little; then the conversation moved on to other topics of biblical discussions with other people in the group. As I was listening to him talk to this couple I heard him mention Heb. 11:1 and what it said. The conversation had turned to other biblical opinions and beliefs when a thought struck me. It was as if God himself was in my brain at that moment shouting; Cathie hear what he just said. "Faith is the assurance of the things to come; the conviction of what is not seen." Conviction of what is not seen. Wow. it came to me that this verse I had always believed was talking about the future event of Christ's return, (another doubt for me) could posiibly also mean things not seen in the past like the virgin birth and resurrection!
All these years of proclaiming to be a Christian was a lie. The truth was that I did not believe, I only tried to believe in who Christ claimed to be. I did however believe he was sent from God to teach us about things of the spirit. I wanted to have the conviction I saw in other believers but could not. This was causing me to frustrated and anxious in my faith. To begin a journey once again to something I could believe in. This would be a long, time consuming path. Wasn't my Christian path difficult enough to understand without going and trying to find another belief to learn all about? Had I truly given this spiritual path with Jesus a fair chance? What if it were possible. If God is God then can he not in his powerful spirit do whatever he needed to do to show his love for us? Turning to the passage again I asked God for truth and understanding I could accept for that moment. Just that small moment. It was not necessary for me to think ahead or figure things out. Just a small amount of faith. All this time I was trying to believe in something I could not comprehend nor had seen! Not wanting to frustrate or disappoint those who were taking so much time with me to help me beleive I believed what I could to please them. And even convinced myself I believed. In reality the assurance was in the fact it "could have" happened. But these events, the virgin birth, ressurection, miracles, these were things were impossible, incomprehensible to understand.
The message I received that night was; Heb. 11:1 wasn't just speaking about my future with God as I had understood it to refer to eternity with him. But was for faith in all things I could not understand and difficult situations I will find myself in as I walk through this life. The joy and excitement that grew inside told me this was from God and it was a new truth for me to take hold of, tuck away with my other messages from the spirit to use for future reference. The real question now is, am I now willing to give my spirit to God and trust in him for guidance? Was I now willing to believe the events in the bible were true, actual events? It did not mean I had to believe at this moment; nor that I would in the future. The question for me is, "Am I willing to open my heart and mind to the possiblity and accept what comes." It may happen that I will realize no, I do not believe and therefore move on in my spiritual quest. Or it will mean I do believe and still continue on my spritiual quest, just in a different direction. I will never put my faith in church or religious doctrine. But I can put my faith in Christ and what he says about himself. For now however, I will keep it simple and wait on God's spirit to direct me.
Faith and trust are and always has been difficult concepts for me to grasp. Especially in a God I can neither see nor feel. I also know from life experiences that because I believe in God, even though I love God as much as I humanly can; this does not assure me of a life of luxury and joy forever and ever. It does get me through the difficult times knowing I have his strength; that his spirit lives inside me and strengthens me when I am willing to give it a chance.
This I can say with all certainty. When I continue on my Christian path and do not stray from it I am stronger in my conviction. I am at peace with God. When I begin searching all over the place for the "truth" I become confused and anxious; doubtful and frustrated. Quieting my spirit and letting what I believe at the particular moment be ok keeps me centered. As long as I am looking to God through scripture, people's conversations, spiritual reading; when I am open to his spirit, not the churches, to speak wisdom and truth, life is calmer, inner peace is attainable and I am once again free from what others are trying to tell me to believe, or more importantly, trying to accept and believe what I do not at that time. Today that is ok for me. It is ok not to have all the answers. It is ok that I do not and will not ever understand God's power and who he is.
There is a vast difference from listening to one who is sharing experience and one who is sharing opinion on what I must or should believe. Like what was said in class this morning; "people don't want to hear about my faith, they want to see my faith." Attraction not promotion as I have heard it said elsewhere. So, once again I have to ask myself what do I truly, honestly believe about my faith and where do I choose to start it from?
Does this mean I do not accept other religious, spiritual faiths? Do I now claim that Christians have the only true way to heaven or God after death? Absolutely, infatically NO! We cannot make that claim. God is the only being who makes that call, not me.
God is light, God is Love and God is fair. And that my friend is where my faith lies this evening at this moment.
Another piece of my spiritual puzzle is in place. Soon the framework will be done.
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