Well, here goes nothing. It is time. Time to set aside all fears and lack of self confidence and just go for it. Nothing may come of this blog and suddenly one day I realized it didn't matter. For once in my life I am going to do something for me. This is my personal secret from spouse and friends. Why? Because I need something I can write for me without those who know me critiquing it. I would then begin trying to write what I think they want and not what is truth for me. Isn't it funny how I can take criticism or negativity from strangers yet not those close to me?
You see, I turned fifty-six last week and was reflecting on the last six months or so. Something within was changing. I was becoming honest with myself and those I was trying to be a part of in life.
It happened one day at church of all places. There I was sitting, listening to the words of the songs, listening to the sermon, then bam! It hit me. I could not do this any longer. I could not keep making believe I believed in the resurrection or virgin birth. I did not and had not. I wanted to, but wanting and doing are completely different. The fighting within had stopped. It was that very moment when I set myself free from the inner turmoil I felt each week. Feeling hypocritical all the time. That was the moment of freedom for me. It opened a whole new adventure. I began to see other areas in my life where I was being dishonest or people pleasing and I knew it had stop. My new year would be one of walking through the fear of writing in public. For one whole year I am going to discipline myself to write weekly. It is my corner to throw up whatever is going on internally or outward.
It is exciting to have a secret. Even at my age. Its not a secret in that you all will read it. But a secret from my inner circle of acquaintances. They will have no say in what I think or write. Now at this time at least.
I don't want to be safe any longer! I want to speak out, I want to WRITE more than I want to please others. I have spent my whole life worrying about others. Now, I want to express myself and hope there are Senior Citizens out there who struggle and enjoy the same things in our crazy world as I do.
So, although I lack discipline, am not a college graduate, I am going to set a new precedence for myself. This blog will be my learning tool. I will learn self-discipline by committing to write one piece a week to start. It will start in a journal as I still love putting pen to paper.
OK, this is just a start and I am writing quickly as my husband will be home shortly. So please don't judge this first piece of work in my writing skills. But I had to write something to get it started. Now I can take my journaling and put it to my blog, (edited of course).
I look forward to walking through my senior years with others like me. To learn that it is never too late to begin a passion no matter your age.Writing has been my passion since I learned my first word.
So, it is time. Time to find out who Cathie really is, what Cathie enjoys and fears. Writing this blog will be the first start in my goal to evolve into the creative, fun accomplished woman I have yearned to be for some time. It will push me to try new things so I will have interesting things to share once in a while. Although I am now fifty-six, I can truthfully say, it was at fifty-five that I came Alive!
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